Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

And So On, And So On, And Scooby-Dooby Doo

March13

Last night it was deemed to be Let’s Let Ben Make A Scummy Ring Around The Tub Night, and so The Daver threw the Big One into the bathtub (the Little One had just been bathed, Bon Jovi mullet and all). I sat downstairs on my (shrinking!) ass playing Free Cell obsessively while Alex thought of new and ingenious ways to make my life difficult. Well, that, or just obsessively go from room to room pointing out Balls! and Wind Chimes! and Kitty-Cats!

Eventually Alex made his way to the bottom of the stairs where he could see his father and brother shamelessly hanging out WITHOUT HIM, and his patented Rage ™ began. HE wanted to be with THEM upstairs! HOW DARE THEY HANG OUT WITHOUT HIM?

Sensing his mewling plight, I plucked him up from the bottom of the stairs and carried him up to see what was going on with the Elder Sausages.

I plopped him onto the 70’s tile floor and he looked as happy as a pig in shit. Ben was close, Dad was close and Mom was RIGHTTHERE next to him. Life was good.

Ben suggested that I give Alex some of his old bath toys to play with (although Ben is NOT too cool to play with Alex’s new walker-thingy he IS too cool for bath toys. Whatever.), so I craned my body over (our upstairs bathroom is not quite a model of elegance or size) to select one that was not too dingy looking for Alex to bang incessantly on the ground.

In this process, I edged myself over to the door, where Alex noticed his new favorite toy, a DOOR! and promptly began to shut it on me.

At 11 months old, Alex has now begun requesting politely insisting upon Dude Time. No Vagina’s Allowed.

Shit, I need a daughter.

Stuck In The Middle (With You)

March10

Every winter, ’bout this time, when the cold days have dragged on and on to the point where a 100 degree day (Celsius even!) sounds more tolerable than bundling up the kids AGAIN and having the boogies in my nose freeze for the forty-millionth time that day, and when getting the mail (at the end of my driveway) seems like a drastic undertaking, I start to have this fantasy in which we move to more temperate climates.

And because, in my fantasy-land, I am also slightly practical and don’t have visions of moving to a completely foreign country and having to learn a new language (you mean people don’t speak American EVERYWHERE?), I envision us moving to one of the coasts.

For a good 290 days of the year, I like where I live, honestly I do (and probably in part as a defense mechanism, as moving out of state would be brutal as far as custody arrangements go for The Big One), and besides a small jaunt away from here several years ago, I have lived in the same town most of my life. It’s a sweet river town, full of character and pep (and a number of the exact same strip malls), and it’s great BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS (I never claimed to be adventuresome, now did I?).

But, for as teeny as my family is, I do happen to have some that live out of state in California, where I have been any number of times. And I genuinely love it out there, it’s interesting, it’s clean, people are nice, and if it weren’t for such amazingly high property prices, we might live out there for reals.

Well, the cost of living AND the fact that I am not positive that I am good-looking enough.

California is weird like that, and I’ll never forget being there as a teenager to attend my cousin’s wedding. A busboy (a BUSBOY!) in the joint where we were dining nearly caused me to choke on my steak, so uncanny was his resemblance to Brad Pitt (the 12 Monkeys/Seven version, whom I had many a naughty fantasy about).

A couple of years later, I was back again, and I noticed that even the bums on The Haight were sexy. BUMS were SEXY! Even the one who flashed me his penis was good looking (and well hung)!

It was like entering an alternate universe.

As I got older and every time I went back to Cali, I noticed more and more unlikely and attractive people. Airport baggage claim guys were hot! The chick at the rental car place looked as though she’d stepped off the runway to make my car rental experience a complete nightmare. I kept expecting the dude who took my toll money to start selling me shampoo, so magnificent was his shiny mane of hair, so full of body and style.

Just based on experience (and without real knowledge), I would even venture to guess that the people who worked at the DMV were extras on a movie set in their spare time (away from being nasty to people who were stupid enough to get into the wrong line– EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T LABELED).

I don’t know about your state, but typically the DMV workers are thought to be the bitchy Missing Link anthropologists are always harping on about (I wonder if their studies would take them to the DMV, because it should), but I would venture a guess that in California, they, too, are beautiful, attractive, and of the highest genetic pedigree.

Even if I were rich enough to buy a shack in California, I’m fairly certain we’d be turned away at the border for being undesirably unattractive.

For now, I will take comfort living here in the Midwest, just outside of Chicago, knowing that while we may be ugly and dumpy, at least we’re landlocked, so no hurricane will make it to our doorstep.

DENIED ENTRY INTO CALIFORNIA DUE TO EXCESSIVE UNFLATTERING GENES.

UnInspiRED

March6

I’ve been so full of The Laze ™ these past two days that it would be laughable, except that it’s not. I can’t seem to find the motivation to do a whole lot, save from playing Lego Star Wars (no, sadly for The Daver, I am not a Video Game Person, I just happen to like playing that one) and taking care of the absolutely pertinent day-to-day stuff.

I could lie and tell you that I’ve got a To-Do list a mile long that’s preventing me from being productive, but you know I would never lie to you, baby. Ssshhh, baby it’s okay, don’t worry, Aunt Becky wouldn’t lie to you. I love you too much for that.

Once Alex is carried back to reality from his morning nap (oh.my.God.my.kid.finally.naps.like.a.normal.kid!), I’m going to hoist myself off my less-wide (thank you Synthroid, oh THANK YOU for finally making my metabolism go the right way and allowing me to lose 6 pounds. I am going to throw a parade in your honor!) ass and run some errands.

Normally, when I’m feeling full of The Laze ™ it’s because I’m depressed and lonely and sad and pathetic and dramatic (oh! the! drama!), but this time it’s not the case. I think I’m just sick to death of winter and am feeling rather stir-crazy and bored. Staying home with the kidlets is great in some regards, but can make a person feel like they’re slowly being pecked to death by a flock of adorable chickens.

Sighs.

At least the snow is melting today (this means it’s likely to dump 12 feet of snow on us tonight. Stupid Chicago weather).

—————-

I got tagged by my darling fellow Chicagoian LAS (who you should really check out. She could use a bit of Internet Loving right now, and I know you guys are up to the task) AND my sexy friend Complicated Mama to do this book meme.

Directions: Pick up the closest book. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences.

Without further adieu, I present my book:

“Baby Make Me Breakfast,” by Lisa Brown. Since there is no page 123, I will be giving you the book in it’s entirety:

“I would like…

half a grapefruit,

a soft boiled egg,

a piece of toast,

a cup of coffee,

and a couple of aspirin.

Thank you Baby!

(now scoot, Mama’s hung over).”

(oh yes I just did).

Hmmm, I’ll tag… Pauline, Ames, and KC.

—————–

Okay, Sexy Internet, quick question for you. Put yourself in Aunt Becky’s kicky pink gogo boots and riddle me this: if you were throwing a birthday party at the end of the month for your second child, but you didn’t have many friends with kids, AND you stupidly put “RSVP regrets only” on your invites, would you:

1) Make gift bags for everyone who may be attending (which will likely be mostly adults).

2) Guess how many kids will be coming and make gift bags accordingly just for the kids.

3) Fuck gift bags. You’re already giving them food.

*smootches, Internet, I heart you*

Um, Yeah, Hi Winter, I’m Totally Over You.

February6

The first snow around here is always a magical time in my head. It reminds me of childhood excitement (maybe, just MAYBE school will be cancelled tomorrow!) and of the holidays and it makes even the homeless people look pretty.

That said, the older I get, the more winter seems to drag the fuck on.

If it’s not butt-assed cold, it’s icy, if it’s not icy, it’s snowing, if it’s not snowing, then the yellow snow and grime are making the world look to be an ugly place. And the boogies STILL freeze in your nose when you pop outside (and even clad in Burberry’s finest, how dignified can you look with a nose full of frozen boogers?).

Mr. Yucks.

The Weather Man is calling for another 12 inches today (but we all know how wrong HE can be), and as far as I’m concerned, he can kiss my flabby white butt. Winter sucks.

So what’s winter like where YOU live?

The One Scarlet With The Flowers In Her Hair

February5

I say “Screw all those freaking feel-good meme’s out there” and in that vein, I am completing one that allows me to complain about things (more than usual), which I was mass tagged for by my friend Sara.

In no particular order, I present to you my current shit list.

1. The Month Of January. Is it just me or does this month suck? The only holiday (holidays tend to be what can make or break a month for me, because I am 12.) I can think of is New Years Day, which I believe Hugh Hefner referred to as “ameteur night” and I agree with him. I’ve never had much good come out of this month aside from surviving it which does not a glowing recommendation make.

2. My Thyroid Gland. Although I have been undergoing testing and dosage increases (since October), it is still underactive and my hair is still falling out with alarming frequency. If this doesn’t get resolved soon, I am going to have to invest in some wigs. Which sounds a lot cooler than it is.

3. Morning People. Although I have hoped, wished, and possibly even prayed that I would somehow turn into this morning person that people claimed I could become, I have yet to see any results. My internal clock is set to be a night owl, and although the world doesn’t function on my time table, I have learned to cope. Until some asshole cheerful morning person gets all high and mighty on my ass, and then I want to regulate.

4. Election Year. Although I’m as happy as a pig in shit that GW will soon be out of office, I am really damn sick and tired of having to field phone calls/watch commercials/get mail all telling me that I should vote for XYZ Candidate. Just stop talking about WHO I should vote for, please?

5. People Who Live In My House But Shall Remain Nameless Who Are Unable To Reload The Toilet Paper. I mean, it’s not rocket science, and yet, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO MANAGES TO DO IT.

6. Drivers Who Tailgate Through A Heavily Patrolled Neighborhood When I Am Going Slightly Over The Speed Limit. I mean, COME ON. I know you want to get wherever you are going, but I assure you that I do, too. But I want to do this WITHOUT paying a $75 ticket.

7. People Who Take Everything Personally. I have a friend who does this (no, not any of you.) and is convinced that I hate her if I haven’t called her back immediately, like I am somehow sitting at home and plotting AGAINST returning her call. While I appreciate that she gives me this much credit for being so scheming, it’s just not that complicated. I haven’t called her back because I have forgotten. Period.

(and trust me, if you read something on my blog, ever, that makes you think I am somehow knocking YOU personally, I’d like to remind you to reconsider. I assure you I am neither that smart or that cunning.)

8. Spandex Leggings. I know that the 80’s is making a comeback (Hello, American Gladiators!) and I’m pretty much okay with that, save for part of the fashion. The part that convinces women to wear spandex leggings underneath their dresses/oversized shirts. Why? BECAUSE IT LOOKS FUCKING STUPID. It did then, and it does now.

9. PPD. It’s not enough for women who have just had babies to be overtired, ridiculously hormonal, and disgusted that their asses got pregnant, too, but now we get to add depression into the mix. I mean, how fun is it to finally get something you’ve wanted for a long, long time and then find yourself weeping into the couch cushions BECAUSE THE PATERNITY RESULTS ON MAURY WEREN’T ON TODAY.

10. Blackberry’s. Now, I like to be as connected as the next person, and maybe it’s because I have no real need to be as connected as someone with a paid job (oooh! A comment for me to moderate!QUICK! MODERATE IT!), but I just can’t get behind a piece of technology that has made it socially acceptable to interrupt a conversation with a real, live person sitting in front of you to read an email. Color it any way you’d like, but it’s fucking rude and it’s tacky. There is nothing that cannot wait 30 seconds until the real live conversation is done. And if it’s genuinely so bloody important, the phone will ring.

Amazingly enough, this took me a long time to complete. I guess I’m not as angry as I thought that I was.

So tell your Aunt Becky, who is on YOUR current shit list? Who (or what) peed in YOUR cheerios today?

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.

February1

Last month (was it really a month ago?), I mentioned that maybe, just maybe I had once had a completely inappropriate crush on Vincent D’Onofrio for a spell, and that I had subsequently moved on to more snarky pastures (i.e. Anthony Bourdain).

But even in my wildest fantasies, I didn’t imply that I would have wanted to have hot monkey love with the guy. Either of ’em. I’d have preferred that we sit around reading poetry to each other while occasionally discussing the virtues of Manet vs. Monet. And then mocking people mercilessly. (I’ll let you figure out who I would do what with).

So today I will present to you the one celebrity with whom I would love to have a night of (hot) gross, dirty sexin’: Tommy Lee.

Yes, you heard it here first: Tommy Lee. I want to have The Sex with Tommy Lee. And then never speak to him again.

I mean, shit, we know he’s packin’.

Your turn. Who would you like to get ridin’ DURRTY with?

——————–

A couple of weeks ago, one of my wonderful blog friends gave me an award (and no, I didn’t even pay her) that made my ickle heart smile. I haven’t mentioned it before for two reasons: one, I have no idea how to put the icon on my blog (I had been contemplating glue and scissors, but it didn’t work, and WHOO BOY did it make a MESS) and two, I had to choose some recipients for ME to award it to.

All right, even Niobe and all of her tech-y goodness couldn’t make it work. Dumb blog not doing what I want it to do.

This is not an easy task.

In spite of my tendency toward bitchiness, I am not very good at singling people out. Maybe it’s the mother in me, but I can’t help but want everyone to win and no one to feel sad (this may be the only nice part of my personality, so deal, people.).

The award is called Daily Dose, and it started over here. It’s supposed to be given to people whose blogs you cannot seem to live without. But if you’re blog is over on my blog roll, I probably at least check in with you once a day (not clever enough to use Google Reader, and I tried bloglines but it confused me, so yeah, I just click on your link here. I’m very high-tech, I know), so that’s not a good means to determine who I give an award to.

So I needed another qualifier and I’m using the word “Daily.” I will give you this award only if you post daily (some of my favorite blogs of all time do not have daily posts, mainly because other people tend to have actual lives, whereas I do not.).

Without further adieu, I present to you my recipients:

My darling Cali, who is going through a not-so-fun time in her life, and yet, remains cheerful and optimistic, which I love about her. Plus, we’re currently in a fight over who gets to be president of the Vincent D’Onofrio fan club, and maybe this will kill her with kindness until she allows me to reign over this important fan club job.

I will also give this award to my girl-crush Niobe , over at Dead Baby Jokes. She always posts something interesting or thought provoking and usually provides a snazzy picture or two that make me green with envy over her talent.

Miss Cricket has voluntarily agreed to post every day for the whole year, a feat that although I wish I could join her in, I am not brave enough. Plus, she just adopted a new kitty-cat, and I loves me my cats, so go check her out.

And lastly, I award this to Karen, who not only posts daily, but was my first (non-paid) Internet Person, whom I had never actually met (and yet, was not a spammer). I was shocked and thrilled that someone WHO I DIDN’T KNOW was reading my blog. Plus, she just got a new job, and how cool is that?

If I missed you and you post something most days, which I probably did, as this post has taken me a ridiculous amount of time to complete, give me a holler in the comments and I’ll include you up here.

Thanks again, Miss Em, for deciding that I was worthy of an award. I’ll admit, that maybe I blushed a wee bit when I saw that for once in my life, I’ve finally won something. For reals and for true.

Kiss My Ass, Valtrex. Oh, Wait, Please Don’t.

January10

I’m sitting, ass glued firmly to the couch cushions, television on for background noise purposes, baby happily babbling in his Exersaucer, and all of a sudden a female voice breaks into my thoughts:

“I have genital herpes” she confesses to me.

The camera pans to her partner, “and I don’t” he confidently informs us.

The commercial goes on to discuss more about these two shmoes goods than I ever cared to know while I sit there completely horrified, jaw gently grazing the cat-hair covered carpet. Why, oh why do I need to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to erase the image of herpatic-vessicle-covered vag-jay-jay’s from my already addled mind?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we need to pretend like STD’s don’t happen by shushing it up (Lord knows Aunt Becky has seen more STD’s than you have. Because I’m a NURSE, you pervert! Get your mind outta the gutter.) and shaming those who have them into institutions or anything, not at all. Hell, plenty of people have them, live with them, while others have managed to barely dodge that bullet, and I don’t honestly think that it’s something to be all that ashamed about.

I just don’t need my Oprah interrupted by having to hear about and subsequently imagine sores on your flipping meat curtains.

Before you flog me for being insensitive to those who have herpes, let me assure you I also don’t really care to have my day interrupted by ads promising to rid me of that pesky yeasty discharge, freshen up the old curtains with a vinegar douche, or make sure I don’t piss my pants in public anymore. For awhile, I wondered if advertisers had somehow read my mind BECAUSE THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD BEEN SUFFERING FROM! ALL OF IT. AT ONCE!

*ahem*

I kid, I kid.

I’m not going to pretend I haven’t dealt with some delicate conditions of my privates over the years, hell, I’ve even gleefully documented When Monistat Attacks (my husband is a very, very lucky man), went to the hospital after I peed my pants, but none of these things have put me on your television set. Sure, I talk about these delicate conditions on my blog, but you have voluntarily chosen to read (or click away quickly. Whateves. Can’t say that I blame you) and I swear to you on all that is holy, I’ve not been endorsed by a soul, and make not even one cent for writing this. In fact, I’m almost certain there are people who would pay me to NOT blog any longer.

Alas, I digress.

But seriously, could we PLEASE put a ban on having to watch people talk about the state of their junk? Even as someone who frequently asks “When was your last bowel movement?” I don’t want to have to consider the rashes of random stranger’s privates (and believe me when I tell you that I have actually had strangers want to “show me their rash” when I tell them that I am a nurse. It happened once on the subway and I will never, ever forget it, no matter how many cocktails I’ve downed.).

So what bugs YOU when you see it advertised? Is it the Viagra commercials? Or perhaps you hate the commercials about people getting shmaltzy about their cats and it makes you want to break your TV set, because those are annoying, too (and I loves me my animals).

Or maybe your Aunt Becky is just in uber-prude mode (which might be the first time ever I would be accused of being a prude. Ooooh Yeahhhhh.), and shouldn’t be bothered by something as simple as an STD medication and should probably get the hell over herself already (this is likely. Very, very likely). In this case, just tell me something, anything that bugs you today.

My Favorite Flavor, Cherry-Red (Deux)

January7

Having just been through a slump in my (not-so) fashionable life, one that I like to call Wow, I’m 27 And I Have Two Kids, Therefore I Am Frumptastic, I decided that today was the day to mix things up a bit.

I walked into the Beauty School (yes, I got my hair done at the beauty school. No, sadly no one sang “Beauty School Drop-Out” when I was there.) with long dark hair that went down (probably) past my overly large nursing nipples (have I mentioned how glamorous motherhood is? Because that would be a lie), and walked out a mere two hours later with platinum and cherry red (remarkably the same colors from my wedding, and suprisingly not a tribute to my wedding and/or marriage) hair that brushes my shoulders and only $81 dollars poorer for it.

(I will insert a picture as soon as I am smart enough to upload pictures from the camera to my computer. I am not smart enough to do this without help. Period. Picture me trying to insert the card into the DVD drive for several hours until it is smashed to bits. Then multiply it by about 50. That’s me + technology.).

It’s not quite the full sleeve tattoo or eyebrow ring that would secure my position as Truly Hardcore, but hey, it’s a start. Besides, I’m unsure about sleeves on women. I fluxuate wildly between thinking that they’re awesome and tacky, depending entirely on which sort I’ve seen most recently.

It’s amazing what a ickle bit of pampering will do to bolster your mood. I got caught in the age-old rut of “if I don’t feel good about myself I might as well not do anything whatsoever to enhance my appearance,” and I am taking a personal vow to stop acting like such a damn sissy. Maybe I’m not 100% thrilled about being 20 pounds heavier than I was before I had Alex, but it’s not 200 pounds, and I have GOT to lay the fuck off of it for awhile. I’m doing what I can (which is Weight Watchers online) to make sure I lose this weight by oh, I don’t know, OCTOBER 25 of this year, and I’ll bet that I can do it. Or at least get close enough for government work.

Who is with me here? Who wants to do something nice for themselves AT LEAST once each month, even if we don’t feel like we’re worth it? I’m talking about going tanning, or getting a massage (well, not Aunt Becky who shudders at the thought of someone massaging her. I did it once, when I was about eleventy-hundred months pregnant with Alex to try and convince him to come out. Didn’t work, but hey, I felt like I was DOING something. It seemed safer than the Castor Oil induction I had been considering), getting a haircut, or having some unmentionables waxed.

And let me give a shout-out to Kim, who has been smoke-free for (over?) 4 days now. As Aunt Becky knows well, smoking is both fun and entertaining, but terrible for you and smells bad. Quitting sucks hard, and takes amazing resolve to make it work. But it’s possible to do it, and you will (just look at Kristin!).

To Have And To Hold

January2

As I’m sure you can imagine, I made a terrible bride. I can’t say that I was a Bridezilla obsessing about centerpieces and hair length, but I sure as hell never imagined myself in the fluffy white dress, saying my vows in front of God and my whole family. I’d always thought of weddings as a sort of silly waste of time, effort and money, and you know what? I still do.

However, my saving grace while making our wedding invitations, fancy programs and seating arrangements was my best friend, Ashley. She knew what I was supposed to be doing and helped me choose things that weren’t unbearably tacky (and also put the kibosh on my requests to have the makeup artist give me black eyes on My Special Day) all the while maintaining my sanity. The process was not fun for me, as I’d never thought of myself as the Bridal Type. As a child, I played Army Ranger rather than Wedding with my gaggle of guy friends, preferring camoflouge makeup to a tiara.

I met Ashley when she was dating one of my best friends from high school, Paul, and when she yelled at him for telling me that he was sorry that I was pregnant with Ben when I informed them of my delicate condition. It was then that I knew that I had a friend for life.

It was she and I who had our first Lesbian Valentine’s Day when we weren’t dating worthless scum, and I still heart Big Pink (the vibrator) that she bought me. We’ve been there for each other through two of my children (and dude, I know you’re reading this, so if/when I have Baby #3, you’re in the room with me, whether or not I crap on the table), a string of worthless boyfriends, being single and unhappy, being with someone and unhappy, and now this, marriage.

Because I am so not like that, I don’t have anything poignant to say about marriage that hasn’t been said better by someone else (besides, being deep and meaningful makes me itch in the darnedest of places). Like anything else in life, it has it’s good times and it’s bad ones, but in the end it’s worth every ounce of energy you put into it.

I couldn’t be any happier for her if I tried, and when she told me yesterday, I got a bit misty (which is a complete rarity for Aunt Becky) and verklempt. And it made me wish I had some worthwhile piece of advice to give her about weddings and marriage other than “they bring out the worst in people” and “you’re gonna have to massage broken egos and mend hurt feelings during this whole process” (this sucks donkey ass, but it’s true).

So what would YOU tell someone about marriage? What’s the one piece of advice you’d give to someone who was newly engaged (but after a marriage without the license) about weddings or marriage (something you wish someone had told you)?

And Ashley, Congratulations! Tonight I raise my glass to you.

Aunt Becky’s Guide To Tipping The Staff

December18

For an obscene number of years, I worked as a waitress at places ranging from a greasy spoon, to a pizza place, to an upscale dining establishment. It was hard work, genuinely it is, but I loved it. It’s been a great fall back for me, as well, (blessing AND a curse, really) in case we needed a couple of extra Benjamins (not my child), because my experience is lengthy and varied.

But like Carney’s to street festivals, the holidays often bring out the worst people in the world flocking to every restaurant.

I take that back: HALF of the people who come out to eat for the holidays are the dredges of society. The other half are jolly, happy, and full of good manners. These people tend to overtip, use polite phrases such as “please’s” and “thank you’s”, do not let their children dump out condiments onto the table (just to entertain them). They genuinely recognize that although their server maybe SERVING them, it doesn’t mean that they are any less on the hook to buy Christmas gifts or any less of a person for choosing this job.

Aunt Becky doesn’t want to talk about THESE people, though, although she would like to give a shout out to them thanking them for being awesome.

No, Aunt Becky would like to tell you a little story.

Years ago, when Ben was a wee ickle baby, I began to work at an upscale pizza place as a server. I began this job when the joint had only been open for a couple of months, so all of the kinks hadn’t yet been worked out AND the holiday season was beginning. The hostess stupidly put together a couple of tables in such a position that getting near the table was damn near impossible, but since she didn’t know better, a party of eight soon decended upon it.

I was standing in the server station in complete view of these people, waiting until they sat down to get their drink order, while the (extremely inexperienced) busboy began to set down their water glasses. The space was so tight between this table and the surrounding tables that Kate Moss would have had a tough time making her skinny way through, and the busboy made a grave error: he accidentally spilled PART of a glass of water on a kid of about 10.

Now, I saw the glass beforehand, so I can absolutely attest that it was indeed filled with water (two hydrogens plus an oxygen) and not battery acid (lead metal electrodes, lead oxide, and sulferic acid), but you would NEVER know this based on the little brat’s reaction. Much screaming ensued, many crocodile tears were shed, and eyes were rolled heavily (mine, of course). Let me put it this way: if this were to happen to my own son and he were to react this way, I would smack him for being a damn baby.

The Sea Hag (likely his grandmother), sitting to his right, IMMEDIATELY began to scream (no small feat, as the dining room was extremely loud that night) “I EXPECT MY MEAL TO BE FREE!” I had made my way over to the table by that point, bearing a pile of napkins to wipe up the spilled water. When I reached her (a teeny part of her sweater had also gotten splashed), she held up her arm for me to blot it off.

Tips be damned, I was NOT about to wipe water off some Old Bag’s sweater. I shoved the napkins into her hand and apologized to the rest of the table (who were actually suprisingly nice). Drinks were ordered and delivered without incident.

When it came time to order their entrees, the Sea Hag asked about doing a combination ravioli, as we had several types. I explained to her that since there were five ravioli’s per order, she would get two of one variety and one of another (you can see my error here. Even Dumb Old Aunt Becky knows that 3 +1 does NOT = 5). She scoffed at me, rolled her eyes and haughtily informed me (how someone wearing a sequined Christmas tree sweater can take herself seriously enough to be haughty eludes me to this day) “That’s TWO of one and THREE of another, har-har-har,” as she turned to her neighbor and began laughing snottily at me.

(I should note one thing here. Although she was snotty to me, she was NOT a rich bitch, which our town is known for. She happened to be white trash who believed that somewhere in her pea-sized brain that she was better than the staff. It was odd. I’ve rarely seen that from homes where the average income is less than $400,000 a year).

Equally snottily, I informed her that I was completely aware of what the products of two and three are, but she wasn’t listening to me.

The rest of the meal was completely without incident. I had someone else bring out the food for her, as I had no desire to interact with her any further. They tipped decently, I had the manager comp exactly NOTHING for them, and they left.

Ah, serving.

I admit that I’m STILL confused by how to tip other professions, how much do I need to tip a hairdresser WHEN I KNOW that she gets about half of the cost of the cut? Cabbies get a buck or two, more if it’s a long ride, sometimes I’ll throw my change at the barista (well, not LITERALLY), but servers get at least 20%, but far, far less if they’re assholes.

(Word to the wise: you want to REALLY piss off a server? Tip them a quarter. A deliberate quarter. I promise it’ll make them madder than if you tipped them nothing at all.)

But this is for unforgivable offenses. Kristin, remember the server we tipped 30 cents AND left a note so there would be no doubt as to WHY we’d done that? If you write that up and leave it in the comments, I’ll repost it here. It was hilarious.

I guess the moral of the story is that no matter how it appears to you, your server does have to buy Christmas presents for her family, too. Just because you have spent too much on buying your family gifts doesn’t mean that you get to take your anger out on the staff. It’s not their fault, I promise. You don’t have to OVERTIP if you don’t want to (although I swear it will be appreciated), but don’t take out your Grinchness on your poor server.

Now it’s your turn. I want to hear ALL of your WORST customer service stories, serving or not. I’ll add them up here if you leave them in the comments.

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