Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Stuck In The Middle (With You)


Every winter, ’bout this time, when the cold days have dragged on and on to the point where a 100 degree day (Celsius even!) sounds more tolerable than bundling up the kids AGAIN and having the boogies in my nose freeze for the forty-millionth time that day, and when getting the mail (at the end of my driveway) seems like a drastic undertaking, I start to have this fantasy in which we move to more temperate climates.

And because, in my fantasy-land, I am also slightly practical and don’t have visions of moving to a completely foreign country and having to learn a new language (you mean people don’t speak American EVERYWHERE?), I envision us moving to one of the coasts.

For a good 290 days of the year, I like where I live, honestly I do (and probably in part as a defense mechanism, as moving out of state would be brutal as far as custody arrangements go for The Big One), and besides a small jaunt away from here several years ago, I have lived in the same town most of my life. It’s a sweet river town, full of character and pep (and a number of the exact same strip malls), and it’s great BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS (I never claimed to be adventuresome, now did I?).

But, for as teeny as my family is, I do happen to have some that live out of state in California, where I have been any number of times. And I genuinely love it out there, it’s interesting, it’s clean, people are nice, and if it weren’t for such amazingly high property prices, we might live out there for reals.

Well, the cost of living AND the fact that I am not positive that I am good-looking enough.

California is weird like that, and I’ll never forget being there as a teenager to attend my cousin’s wedding. A busboy (a BUSBOY!) in the joint where we were dining nearly caused me to choke on my steak, so uncanny was his resemblance to Brad Pitt (the 12 Monkeys/Seven version, whom I had many a naughty fantasy about).

A couple of years later, I was back again, and I noticed that even the bums on The Haight were sexy. BUMS were SEXY! Even the one who flashed me his penis was good looking (and well hung)!

It was like entering an alternate universe.

As I got older and every time I went back to Cali, I noticed more and more unlikely and attractive people. Airport baggage claim guys were hot! The chick at the rental car place looked as though she’d stepped off the runway to make my car rental experience a complete nightmare. I kept expecting the dude who took my toll money to start selling me shampoo, so magnificent was his shiny mane of hair, so full of body and style.

Just based on experience (and without real knowledge), I would even venture to guess that the people who worked at the DMV were extras on a movie set in their spare time (away from being nasty to people who were stupid enough to get into the wrong line– EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T LABELED).

I don’t know about your state, but typically the DMV workers are thought to be the bitchy Missing Link anthropologists are always harping on about (I wonder if their studies would take them to the DMV, because it should), but I would venture a guess that in California, they, too, are beautiful, attractive, and of the highest genetic pedigree.

Even if I were rich enough to buy a shack in California, I’m fairly certain we’d be turned away at the border for being undesirably unattractive.

For now, I will take comfort living here in the Midwest, just outside of Chicago, knowing that while we may be ugly and dumpy, at least we’re landlocked, so no hurricane will make it to our doorstep.


44 Comments to

“Stuck In The Middle (With You)”

  1. On March 10th, 2008 at 10:56 am b Says:

    Get the fuck outta guys are gorgeous! BTW, Houston is awesome..and the beach is 40 minutes away..i’m just sayin. I don’t even know if i can visit your blog anymore..if you’re dog food, we’re not even like bargain basement Ol’ Roy dog food.

  2. On March 10th, 2008 at 11:03 am kim Says:

    Who are you calling dumpy and ugly?! The photo of the both of you is beautiful, as are your offspring! They’d let you in, they probably have you all on the list of invitees…..

    Did you name this post as an ode to Jeff Healy?


  3. On March 10th, 2008 at 11:17 am Ashley Says:

    I felt the same way at the Hard Rock in Vegas. Not all of Vegas, just the Hard Rock. With its cocktail waitresses in fishnets and booty shorts and no fat on them. It made me feel really bad about myself. Like I belonged at the fugly table in the corner.

    If you and the sausages do take off to Cali, can I come too?

  4. On March 10th, 2008 at 11:48 am Kristine Says:

    Wha??? Y’all are not ugly and dumpy!

    I have never had an especially nice dealing with the DMV here either.

  5. On March 10th, 2008 at 11:55 am As American as Apple Pie Says:

    You’re gorgeous!

    The DMV sucks rocks! I think they all have to go through special training on how to make your life hell.

  6. On March 10th, 2008 at 12:17 pm Rambling Amy Says:

    I was actually born in Cali. Don’t remember it though since my parents left when I was 2. Seems they prefered a hog farm next to their house rather than a Meth lab and since they were both from the midwest they moved back to raise us in a much better environment.

    Who knows though. Perhaps the CA authorities got wind of our genetically hairy backs and arms. Plus that would have been back before over the counter teeth whitening products were affordable and available.

  7. On March 10th, 2008 at 12:32 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    Is that you Aunt Becky?? You look mahvalous dahling!! 🙂

    And I so know what you mean about the beautiful CA people. It blew my mind, the first time I went to San Diego. People were dressed to the nines at the mall.

    In Texas we wear jeans and T-shirts. We tuck them in, if we’re dressing up.

    Know what I mean?

  8. On March 10th, 2008 at 12:42 pm LAS Says:

    You look beautiful! I don’t know what you are talking about – that’s a great photo! I too am caught right in the middle of a fantasy about moving away from Chicago.

  9. On March 10th, 2008 at 1:36 pm magpie Says:

    My sister felt the need to have her eyebrows threaded the last time she was in California. It’s like that.

  10. On March 10th, 2008 at 2:14 pm kalakly Says:

    Oh now, come on, we’re not that bad!!! Having been a “Cali” girl all my life I can assure you, we’ve got plenty of the not so good looking runing around here, come on over to my house first thing any morning and I’ll prove it:)
    Also the guy on Haight…I think I may have known him, I used to live on Ashbury and I distinctly remember shooing someone with similar body parts to those you mentioned, out of my car one morning as I was trying to leave for work. Yea, that was pretty and fun. The memory of him has faded but his oder, not so much….see it’s not all wine and roses out here afterall.

    And remember, if you live in Cali, you must, after you become famous, remove all undergarments from your wardrobe and then learn the unbelievably tricky skill of getting out of a vehicle just slow enough and just, um, spread out enough, to let the photogs get a still of your nether land. And then, of course, be appropriately outraged. I, myself am still working on that. The skill, not the outrage:) yet.

  11. On March 10th, 2008 at 2:17 pm kalakly Says:

    P.S. Thanks for the kindness over at my place. I wish you had been my nurse…I suspect my iv’s would have been much tastier:)

  12. On March 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm Cricket Says:

    Your mirror is lying to you if you think you’re unattractive!

  13. On March 10th, 2008 at 2:24 pm Jenn Says:

    You two are adorable! And if you’re moving to the coast, you could always come to Maine. *wink wink* I assure you, you would be among the the most attractive out this way!!
    Although, as you have probably gathered from my own incessant bitching about the winter, the weather here isn’t any better than it is there. 🙂

  14. On March 10th, 2008 at 2:49 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I think you guys are adorable, but I just spent nine years living in the Mid-West and then moved to Jersey – where it REALLY takes ALL kinds – so what do I know? 😉

  15. On March 10th, 2008 at 3:01 pm Heather Says:

    Aunt Becky, I think you need a good l o n g vacation out of that Illinois snow! Maybe to CA? BTW there are plenty of ugly folks in CA (they just have the means to hide it better!). My sister lives there, and it nice to visit and escape the land of blah every now and again.

    And you and the Daver are just lovely — CA would be thrilled to have you!

  16. On March 10th, 2008 at 3:02 pm Doc Says:

    Speaking of naughty fantasies…. HELLOOOOO white dress!

  17. On March 10th, 2008 at 3:08 pm Chris Austria Says:

    I’ve lived in tropical places, and visited California. It’s true it seems that everyone there is beautiful. But there something about Chicago that I cannot shake off. People in California maybe are beautiful but at least in the Midwest or Chitown to be precised, PEOPLE ARE REAL! GO BEARS!!!!!!!

  18. On March 10th, 2008 at 4:03 pm Ahuva Batya Says:

    We are two people with a single thought… last week was my annual “Honey, I can’t stand it here anymore and we need to move south” day. Happens every single year. At least this year I haven’t experienced the usual melancholy that usually accompanies February. By the way, you two are not dumpy in the least, but quite attractive.

  19. On March 10th, 2008 at 4:28 pm Joann Says:

    Wow great picture of you guys, you look fabs.
    Great to put a pic. to the post.
    Spring will be here before you know it.
    I no the feeling I’m tired of the cold too!!!

  20. On March 10th, 2008 at 4:50 pm Angela Says:

    Oh, look at how beautiful you are. Seriously, now. You are gorgeous.

  21. On March 10th, 2008 at 4:54 pm KT Says:

    If that pic is of you and the Daver, I’d have to say you are a gorgeous couple. Dave is cute cute. Ugly? My ass. You should go live in CA. But being just 4 hours from Chicago, I’d have to agree that the Midwest rocks, except for the last month of winter. Anyhow…you are far far far from ugly. Simply gorgeous.

  22. On March 10th, 2008 at 4:59 pm Manny Says:

    (Takes out body fat measuring device, measures photo) Apparently you’re photo has zero body fat, which actually makes you eligible to be our Most Excellent Supreme Leader. However, upon closer inspection it appears your life partner is holding his wine glass by the rim instead of the stem, which COMPLETELY disregards rule #372 in the California Wine Snobbery Manual. Thus, you are only eligible to live in the San Bernardino County area. Property prices are reasonable if you are willing to forego being within driving distance of civilization. Feel free to engage in “Free Meth Night” at the local Y.

  23. On March 10th, 2008 at 5:05 pm KC Says:

    Awwww. You guys are just too awesome for Cali. Besides, I would miss you.

  24. On March 10th, 2008 at 5:22 pm Lindz Says:

    whaat? that is not you and the daver..O.M.G. You sincerely look different than I imagines you would.

    How can people, whoare so damn hunk, and babalicious..have such a wicked sense of humor.?? tell me.

  25. On March 10th, 2008 at 6:23 pm Michelle Says:

    You are hardly fat or dumpy! It is nice to put a face to the blog-thanks!
    Now I feel inferior at my kids preschool, so I would hardly make it onto a plane headed to CA! One look at my hair highlighted with grey, and I would be politely asked to leave my seat!
    Have a great day-warmer weather is coming!

  26. On March 10th, 2008 at 7:32 pm Karen Says:

    Shut up you hottie! While I do agree that people in Cali are good looking – that is really just is southern Cali. So if you move up to Fresno or something you would clearly be the queen of the land.

  27. On March 10th, 2008 at 8:59 pm Chris Says:

    Boy, you look at that picture and you’d never know it was 100 in the shade that day…

  28. On March 10th, 2008 at 9:09 pm Kyddryn Says:

    I refuse to go to California – I am convinced that the minute I set foot out there, it (California, I mean, not my foot) will fall right off and sink. Yep.

    Also, I am fairly certain they would pelt me with free-range, hydroponically (sp?) grown, organic, low-calorie, fertilizer ready vegetation, using sling shots made from Pilates elastics and boutique-worthy jeweled sweat bands, all the while screaming “unclean, unclean, fat, fat, fat” and weeping tears of purest Evian as they chased me right back over the border. Double yep.

    I think I’ll stick to Georgia, thanks.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  29. On March 10th, 2008 at 9:13 pm Kristen Says:

    You are a beautiful couple!
    but maybe too real for Cali. I love how you tell it like it is, I wonder if they appreciate that as much in plastic land.
    I am pretty done with winter though and have done a fair amount of fantasizing of warmer lands myself.

  30. On March 11th, 2008 at 8:55 am MsPrufrock Says:

    I don’t need to worry about such things as I am more than beautiful enough to live in any environment.

    As for you, what kind of mirror are you looking into? Yous guys are cute. I pictured you with big hair and heavy eyeliner for some reason, though I suppose that you might look like that on days other than your wedding day. The lady in the picture doesn’t look as if she’d dare to swear. Heh. That sounds like some kind of cheesy anti-swearing PSA slogan. DARE NOT TO SWEAR!

    Anyway, I’ll shut up now.

  31. On March 11th, 2008 at 10:35 am Rayne of Terror Says:

    Look how cute you are! I have the same experience when I come from downstate to Chicago. I think, “look at all the beautiful people here.” You should bring the kiddos down to Normal sometime and we can take them to the Discovery Museum.

  32. On March 11th, 2008 at 1:56 pm kbreints Says:

    What a great picture! Hey– we midwestern-ers are gorgeous, we just shoose not to flaunt it. HAHA

    I love the midwest, I can get away with no makeup and jeans to the grocery store. ya know?

  33. On March 11th, 2008 at 1:58 pm becky Says:

    You’re crazy. (And hott.)

    Just tough it out a few more years in the city. By that time, global warming will have established a pattern, and winter will probably be nonexistent in Chicago. Plus, think of all the waxing you’ll have to go through to live in CA. Winter in Chicago is a Godsend in that way.

  34. On March 11th, 2008 at 2:02 pm charmedgirl Says:

    um, manny? that’s a martini glass. pink like a cosmo, but that looks like an orange (cosmo=lime), so probably not. although still, should hold by the stem…probably moreso than wine.

    anyway, cali is for fake whining followers. doesn’t seem like you. plus, i would think you could get wayyy more wow-factor for those gogoboots where you’re at, no?

  35. On March 11th, 2008 at 6:26 pm tryingin2007 Says:

    maybe if you resembled that adorable couple you’d do very well in cali. you’d fit right in. how cute are they?


  36. On March 12th, 2008 at 8:04 am Emily Says:

    You SUCK! How could you know that one of my greatest anxieties about my move to LA NEXT FRIDAY is that everyone will be better looking than me? I may need to write a post on this, just to make you feel guilty.

    And, you are WAY better looking than I am.

  37. On March 12th, 2008 at 9:32 am Ames Says:

    I don’t know what you are talking about, I think you are absolutely gorgeous!

  38. On March 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm PiquantMolly Says:

    Um yeah, holy shit, you guys are so ugly I’m going to vomit all over my computer screen.

    Shut up, you look like you just walked out of Chanel on Rodeo Drive with Maddox, Pax, Zahara, and Shiloh in tow.

  39. On March 12th, 2008 at 1:58 pm Calliope Says:

    It must be the sickness that has distorted your seeing your fabulosity.

    get well & then relax into a long gaze with a shiny mirror.

  40. On March 12th, 2008 at 10:42 pm honeywine Says:

    Stroll through Walmart and you’ll feel all better. That’s what I do! heehee No one dresses here. If someone is wearing makeup and jewelry, they work in an office or are attending an event. I won’t leave the house without both! A week in the hospital with no makeup and no jewelry was torture on so many levels. I felt fugly all week.

  41. On March 17th, 2008 at 4:58 am Into the fire « Wheels on the bus Says:

    […]             I think last week he might have been smoking some rare form of crack, because the haircut he gave me makes me look like a cocker spaniel with a mullet.  Thanks, dude.  And, so, I came home from the salon, close to tears, but reassuring myself it could not be so bad.  Surely, everyone in LA is not as good-looking as they are made out to be.  There have to be SOME people there who are not failed movie actors.  I read a few blogs to make me feel better, and came across this post.  Thanks for boosting my spirits, Becky. […]

  42. On July 3rd, 2008 at 11:17 pm Hung Hunk Says:

    To be honest, I don’t agree with you, but you marked some good points here.

  43. On May 15th, 2009 at 12:07 pm Miss Grace Says:

    California is Paradise. Because I live here. Holla.

  44. On May 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm Dana Says:

    Wait just a minute! I live here in the Midwest, just outside of Chicago … are you saying that *I* am ugly and dumpy too??

    I just wish I was as “ugly and dumpy” as you *wink*

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