Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

To Have And To Hold


As I’m sure you can imagine, I made a terrible bride. I can’t say that I was a Bridezilla obsessing about centerpieces and hair length, but I sure as hell never imagined myself in the fluffy white dress, saying my vows in front of God and my whole family. I’d always thought of weddings as a sort of silly waste of time, effort and money, and you know what? I still do.

However, my saving grace while making our wedding invitations, fancy programs and seating arrangements was my best friend, Ashley. She knew what I was supposed to be doing and helped me choose things that weren’t unbearably tacky (and also put the kibosh on my requests to have the makeup artist give me black eyes on My Special Day) all the while maintaining my sanity. The process was not fun for me, as I’d never thought of myself as the Bridal Type. As a child, I played Army Ranger rather than Wedding with my gaggle of guy friends, preferring camoflouge makeup to a tiara.

I met Ashley when she was dating one of my best friends from high school, Paul, and when she yelled at him for telling me that he was sorry that I was pregnant with Ben when I informed them of my delicate condition. It was then that I knew that I had a friend for life.

It was she and I who had our first Lesbian Valentine’s Day when we weren’t dating worthless scum, and I still heart Big Pink (the vibrator) that she bought me. We’ve been there for each other through two of my children (and dude, I know you’re reading this, so if/when I have Baby #3, you’re in the room with me, whether or not I crap on the table), a string of worthless boyfriends, being single and unhappy, being with someone and unhappy, and now this, marriage.

Because I am so not like that, I don’t have anything poignant to say about marriage that hasn’t been said better by someone else (besides, being deep and meaningful makes me itch in the darnedest of places). Like anything else in life, it has it’s good times and it’s bad ones, but in the end it’s worth every ounce of energy you put into it.

I couldn’t be any happier for her if I tried, and when she told me yesterday, I got a bit misty (which is a complete rarity for Aunt Becky) and verklempt. And it made me wish I had some worthwhile piece of advice to give her about weddings and marriage other than “they bring out the worst in people” and “you’re gonna have to massage broken egos and mend hurt feelings during this whole process” (this sucks donkey ass, but it’s true).

So what would YOU tell someone about marriage? What’s the one piece of advice you’d give to someone who was newly engaged (but after a marriage without the license) about weddings or marriage (something you wish someone had told you)?

And Ashley, Congratulations! Tonight I raise my glass to you.

14 Comments to

“To Have And To Hold”

  1. On January 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm Ashley Says:

    Awww thanks Becky!!! I love you (and the sausages too)!!!

  2. On January 2nd, 2008 at 2:42 pm Cricket Says:

    Get the quick, simple wedding over as quickly as possible. That way, toes aren’t stepped on for months and everybody doesn’t hate everybody. You make decisions so that they’re done, not necessarily perfect. And if someone offers help, you take it and are glad with whatever they do.

    I could not have the pressure of a big, fancy, perfect wedding. If I were to get married again, I’d go to Vegas with my groom for a quickie.

  3. On January 2nd, 2008 at 5:00 pm Gail Says:

    DO WHAT YOU WANT. Whatever makes you BOTH happy. For me, that was a meticulously planned event including bus transportation, specific music at specific times, very specific location, theme, favors, cake, flowers, props, brand of champagne, food, appetizers, custom dress, a list of songs that would ensure the dj didn’t get paid if they were played, etc, etc, etc. I planned every single excruciating detail from 800 miles (and a whole different country) away, and enjoyed every single second of it.

    One other piece of advice – if you hire a wedding planner, interview a few of them and GO WITH YOUR GUT. I didn’t. I went with the most experienced person. She is lucky to still be alive. If it wouldn’t be a longer story than the entire blog post, I’d tell you why. But it’s a story better told in person, anyway.

    I was lucky enough to marry someone who supports me in my OCD-style of entertaining, so we were both happy with the result.

    The two comments I received about my wedding that told me that I had done it exactly right were from an actor friend who suggested I go into production work and in an anniversary wish a year later. That friend wrote that she couldn’t believe it had already been a year, but that her biggest memory of our wedding was how loved she felt as a guest – that we had gone above and beyond in seeing to the comfort of our guests and it made her feel great. 🙂

    Those might not be the comments that would warm the cockles of your heart, Ashley, but they were the exact right ones for me.

    So, if a mud-wrestling bikini-clad backyard BBQ is what does it for you, that’s what you should do!

  4. On January 2nd, 2008 at 5:00 pm Kristin Says:

    Somehow, I think that Ashley is going to adore every second of planning.

    Congrats to her!

  5. On January 2nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm Amy Says:

    I’m going to say “ditto” to the quick and easy wedding. I went for the big fancy wedding and about 6 months before the wedding I was ready to rip my hair out and wanted to hop the next flight to Vegas. Not to mention I had 18 months between our engagement and our wedding date…way too much time to play with.

    A second piece of advice…do things the way YOU want to do them. I spent way too much time trying to please everyone else when planning my wedding and not enough time worrying about what I wanted. Just do you what you want to do and make sure that you are happy with it…screw everyone else (boy do I wish someone would have given me that advice 3 years ago).

  6. On January 2nd, 2008 at 6:41 pm Leslee Says:

    Heh. I was 6 months pregnant and got married by the mayor of the town next to where I lived. The ex-husband had joined the ARMY (this was the first time he enlisted) and we needed to be married for the insrance. And, even though it was a quicky cheap ass wedding, it still managed to be about every one except me! o_O

    I try not to give any one advice on weddings and/or marriage. I’m far too jaded to be doing that.

  7. On January 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm Karen Says:

    Congrats to your friend. Despite many years of being a divorce lawyer, I still get goosebumps when someone tells me they are getting married. It is such a magical time. I always joke that I could write a booke about marriage – and while that book alludes me, I have written dozens of articles and legal documents. My advice is just to be realistic about the wedding, and especially the marriage. I see too many relationships fall apart because people expect perfection.

  8. On January 2nd, 2008 at 7:29 pm becky Says:

    I’m with Gail, dude. I think I already warned you of how everyone else expects to be appeased during your wedding. It’s damn annoying, that’s for certain.

  9. On January 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 pm becky Says:

    Karen, I think you just touched on one of the hardest and most important things in a marriage and/or relationship, and really life: perfection is not even remotely attainable. Not even close.

    Once you let this go, it’s much easier to be happy with what’s right in front of you.

    Unfortuately, no one is perfect, nor would we want them to be. Our flaws are what make us interesting.

  10. On January 2nd, 2008 at 11:22 pm Jenn Says:

    Ugh. I feel the same way about weddings! I didn’t even have one (which pissed my in-laws off but hey, you can’t please everyone!), we got married in our living room by a notary public, haha.

    Being married is pretty great, though. If you’re married to the right person. Congratulations to your friend!

  11. On January 3rd, 2008 at 12:12 am Heather Says:

    It’s totally normal to wake in a cold sweat from a nightmare involving you, your dude-to-be, and the wedding party at KMart (and you in the buff because you forgot the dress!). Isn’t it?! Or was that just me?

    Okay, joking aside, pocket the cash and take a really nice extended honeymoom. If not that, hire a wedding coordinator who won’t be afraid to take care of business. And congratulations, Ashley!

  12. On January 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 am Kristine Says:

    Are we doing wedding advice or marriage advice?

    Wedding advice – it’s YOUR day, pick the things you care about the most and make those decisions, and let someone else (your future spouse, your mom, your best friend, your sister) make the rest of them. And if you can’t hire a wedding planner, at least pick a friend to “run the show.” Someone to tell people where to stand and what’s going to happen next. And then let them do their job.

    Marriage advice – always remember that there are 6 sides to a conversation. (1)What I said, (2)What I think I said, (3)What you think I said, (4)What you said, (5)What you think you said, and (6)What I think you said. Communication is key.

  13. On January 3rd, 2008 at 9:35 pm honeywine Says:

    Wear something under the dress that would appall EVERYONE IN THE ROOM! That way you can keep smiling as you think about the Swastika underwear you got on sale!

    Oh…and if you stay up until 4am sewing clear sequins onto your veil that no one can see but you. You won’t give a damn what any of it looks like. You’ll just be glad you get to sleep soon.

  14. On January 4th, 2008 at 12:38 pm becky Says:

    Honeywine, I LOVE the way you think. I wore hideous granny-panties to my wedding and was proud as hell of it. No sexxy lingere for me here, no sir. Only underwear that went up to my belly button and covered both my asscheeks with room to spare.

    Come to think of it, I SHOULD have written something hilarious on the ass like “Exit Only.” That would have been a hell of a photo-op should my dress have come up to display that.

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