Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.


Last month (was it really a month ago?), I mentioned that maybe, just maybe I had once had a completely inappropriate crush on Vincent D’Onofrio for a spell, and that I had subsequently moved on to more snarky pastures (i.e. Anthony Bourdain).

But even in my wildest fantasies, I didn’t imply that I would have wanted to have hot monkey love with the guy. Either of ’em. I’d have preferred that we sit around reading poetry to each other while occasionally discussing the virtues of Manet vs. Monet. And then mocking people mercilessly. (I’ll let you figure out who I would do what with).

So today I will present to you the one celebrity with whom I would love to have a night of (hot) gross, dirty sexin’: Tommy Lee.

Yes, you heard it here first: Tommy Lee. I want to have The Sex with Tommy Lee. And then never speak to him again.

I mean, shit, we know he’s packin’.

Your turn. Who would you like to get ridin’ DURRTY with?


A couple of weeks ago, one of my wonderful blog friends gave me an award (and no, I didn’t even pay her) that made my ickle heart smile. I haven’t mentioned it before for two reasons: one, I have no idea how to put the icon on my blog (I had been contemplating glue and scissors, but it didn’t work, and WHOO BOY did it make a MESS) and two, I had to choose some recipients for ME to award it to.

All right, even Niobe and all of her tech-y goodness couldn’t make it work. Dumb blog not doing what I want it to do.

This is not an easy task.

In spite of my tendency toward bitchiness, I am not very good at singling people out. Maybe it’s the mother in me, but I can’t help but want everyone to win and no one to feel sad (this may be the only nice part of my personality, so deal, people.).

The award is called Daily Dose, and it started over here. It’s supposed to be given to people whose blogs you cannot seem to live without. But if you’re blog is over on my blog roll, I probably at least check in with you once a day (not clever enough to use Google Reader, and I tried bloglines but it confused me, so yeah, I just click on your link here. I’m very high-tech, I know), so that’s not a good means to determine who I give an award to.

So I needed another qualifier and I’m using the word “Daily.” I will give you this award only if you post daily (some of my favorite blogs of all time do not have daily posts, mainly because other people tend to have actual lives, whereas I do not.).

Without further adieu, I present to you my recipients:

My darling Cali, who is going through a not-so-fun time in her life, and yet, remains cheerful and optimistic, which I love about her. Plus, we’re currently in a fight over who gets to be president of the Vincent D’Onofrio fan club, and maybe this will kill her with kindness until she allows me to reign over this important fan club job.

I will also give this award to my girl-crush Niobe , over at Dead Baby Jokes. She always posts something interesting or thought provoking and usually provides a snazzy picture or two that make me green with envy over her talent.

Miss Cricket has voluntarily agreed to post every day for the whole year, a feat that although I wish I could join her in, I am not brave enough. Plus, she just adopted a new kitty-cat, and I loves me my cats, so go check her out.

And lastly, I award this to Karen, who not only posts daily, but was my first (non-paid) Internet Person, whom I had never actually met (and yet, was not a spammer). I was shocked and thrilled that someone WHO I DIDN’T KNOW was reading my blog. Plus, she just got a new job, and how cool is that?

If I missed you and you post something most days, which I probably did, as this post has taken me a ridiculous amount of time to complete, give me a holler in the comments and I’ll include you up here.

Thanks again, Miss Em, for deciding that I was worthy of an award. I’ll admit, that maybe I blushed a wee bit when I saw that for once in my life, I’ve finally won something. For reals and for true.

21 Comments to

“Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.”

  1. On February 1st, 2008 at 12:28 pm Ashley Says:

    Tommy Lee is on my list. So is Chris Cornell. But if I had to pick strictly for a disgusting time…it would be a toss up between Colin Farrel (I probably can’t spell his name, but that doesn’t matter if I just want to hit it and quit it) and John Mayer. I’m not sure why on the 2nd one. He just seems like he’d man handle you and then write you a song 🙂

  2. On February 1st, 2008 at 1:03 pm Chris Says:

    1. Snoop and I are still having mad, mad dirty love, but I will stop for a second and fight you TO THE DEATH for Tommy Lee. And Dave Navarro.

    2. Email me your password and I will set you up with google reader. I read A LOT of feeds and I promise you that it is the most awesome thing ever.

  3. On February 1st, 2008 at 1:26 pm honeywine Says:

    I’ve never been into the durrty ones. Put a man in a good suit with a sexy accent and I’m just liable to jump his ass right in the middle of Walmart (then again…what the hell is a guy like that doing in walmart?).

    As for the awards, Congrats to all. And I’m not sure I’d post everyday for a million bucks. What the hell am I saying? Yes I would! But it would be utter jibberish even more so than usual!

  4. On February 1st, 2008 at 12:38 pm becky Says:

    I think John Mayer is pretty nasty, but then again I’ll never forgive him for “Your Body Is A Wonderland.”

    Interestingly enough, though, I’d probably hump James Blunt for the same reasons as you’d hump John Mayer.

  5. On February 1st, 2008 at 1:57 pm Kristen Says:

    Yay, Aunt Becky! Congrats!
    And I can not believe I am not the only one with secret Tommy fantasies, since I was like 12. But I think I am over him, my new hot and sweaty guy has got to be Clive Owen…drool…

  6. On February 1st, 2008 at 2:00 pm PiquantMolly Says:

    I’m with you, Kristen – definitely Clive Owen.

    No question.


  7. On February 1st, 2008 at 2:06 pm Cricket Says:

    Thanks for the shout! Two new kitties in two weeks. Things are hopping. Not really. They’re amazingly settled already.

    A free bop? I’d go for the entertainment value, like Jack Black, Steve Zahn, or Jason Lee.

  8. On February 1st, 2008 at 2:16 pm baseballmom Says:

    Ohhh, yeah…Tommy, for sure! Also Ami James and Chris Nunez from Miami Ink. Yum!

  9. On February 1st, 2008 at 2:31 pm Calliope Says:

    Tell me you have seen THE video. You know the one with Pam? The one where he drives the BOAT with his manhood…it is very, um, intimidating. You might need a few weeks to prep for your one night.

    Since you already know that I tend to lean towards the odd ducks I feel no shame in admitting my tiny bit of lust for Jeff Goldblum. But my GIANT crush is on a used to be sort of kind of celeb but not really: Diarmuid Gavin. He used to have a show on the BBC

    Thanks for your extremely kind and sweet words. Now cut it out- it troubles me when you are nice for prolonged moments of time

  10. On February 1st, 2008 at 2:54 pm Kristin Says:

    2 words. Lenny. Kravitz. I know that he just vowed to lay off the sex – but that doesn’t mean me, right?

  11. On February 1st, 2008 at 3:21 pm Emily Says:

    You totally deserve it.

    And? Bradley Whitford.

  12. On February 1st, 2008 at 3:30 pm Kim Says:

    Dave Matthews…..john mayer would have made it, but he’s so young, I just can’t say it out loud, and that thing with Jessica Simpson, ewwww.

    yeah, Dave Matthews

  13. On February 1st, 2008 at 3:38 pm Karen Says:

    I would do Tommy Lee too. But given a choice, I think I would bang Richie Sambora in the dirty musician arena. But my overall dirty famous guy fantasy is Jeremey Shockey. That man makes me want to do dirty, dirty things.

    And thanks so much for the award. You Rock!

  14. On February 1st, 2008 at 3:43 pm Doc Says:

    Who would I love to make the alagorical beast with two backs with? If there were no strings attached and it was just for fun then probably Fergie (cause she looks like she enjoys it)…. however if I were allowed to possibly sell my story for profit or blackmail then I woudl hold my nose and have a romp with Hillary…and derail her Presidential campaign in the process. Obama would offer me a cabinet post.

  15. On February 1st, 2008 at 3:56 pm niobe Says:

    Ooooh…thank you, thank you, thank you for the pretty, pretty award. Am I *really* your girl-crush??? (blushing)

    If you want to put up the picture, here’s the code. Just replace the ( and ) at the beginning and end with

    (a href=”” target=”_blank”></a)

  16. On February 1st, 2008 at 3:59 pm niobe Says:

    Ignore the previous message (the code part of it anway). Let me try again. If this doesn’t work, I’m giving up.

    Replace every ( and ) with and delete the spaces between ht tp.

    (a href=”ht tp://” target=”_blank”)(img src=”ht tp://” border=”0″ alt=”Photobucket”)(/a)

  17. On February 1st, 2008 at 4:02 pm niobe Says:

    What I meant was: replace ( and ) with the pointy parentheses things > <

  18. On February 1st, 2008 at 4:15 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    Congrats on the award! That’s how I found you, and I LOVE your blog!

    But Tommy Lee?? Not so much . . . .

    I’m thinking . . .Kenny Rogers????

    (only kidding . . .and I know you get it!!! 🙂

  19. On February 1st, 2008 at 4:33 pm Heather Says:

    When you said Tommy Lee, I thought you meant Tommy Lee as in Jones, who would tempt me only slightly more than The Tommy Lee. Sorry.

    Clive Owen and Jeff Goldblum for me, too. And my all-time favorite? Billy Bob Thorton.

    Congrats on your award – your dedication at posting something for me to read daily is impressive!

  20. On February 2nd, 2008 at 1:12 am Jenn Says:

    You don’t have google reader? I couldn’t live without it!
    Your award recipients are most worthy. 🙂 Your blog is the only one lately that I make sure to check every day. I come here more than I visit my own!

  21. On January 25th, 2011 at 11:31 pm Kat Says:

    My husband, for sure.

    Ok fine…someone besides him? Hm…Johnny Depp. SHUT UP.

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