Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The One Scarlet With The Flowers In Her Hair


I say “Screw all those freaking feel-good meme’s out there” and in that vein, I am completing one that allows me to complain about things (more than usual), which I was mass tagged for by my friend Sara.

In no particular order, I present to you my current shit list.

1. The Month Of January. Is it just me or does this month suck? The only holiday (holidays tend to be what can make or break a month for me, because I am 12.) I can think of is New Years Day, which I believe Hugh Hefner referred to as “ameteur night” and I agree with him. I’ve never had much good come out of this month aside from surviving it which does not a glowing recommendation make.

2. My Thyroid Gland. Although I have been undergoing testing and dosage increases (since October), it is still underactive and my hair is still falling out with alarming frequency. If this doesn’t get resolved soon, I am going to have to invest in some wigs. Which sounds a lot cooler than it is.

3. Morning People. Although I have hoped, wished, and possibly even prayed that I would somehow turn into this morning person that people claimed I could become, I have yet to see any results. My internal clock is set to be a night owl, and although the world doesn’t function on my time table, I have learned to cope. Until some asshole cheerful morning person gets all high and mighty on my ass, and then I want to regulate.

4. Election Year. Although I’m as happy as a pig in shit that GW will soon be out of office, I am really damn sick and tired of having to field phone calls/watch commercials/get mail all telling me that I should vote for XYZ Candidate. Just stop talking about WHO I should vote for, please?

5. People Who Live In My House But Shall Remain Nameless Who Are Unable To Reload The Toilet Paper. I mean, it’s not rocket science, and yet, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO MANAGES TO DO IT.

6. Drivers Who Tailgate Through A Heavily Patrolled Neighborhood When I Am Going Slightly Over The Speed Limit. I mean, COME ON. I know you want to get wherever you are going, but I assure you that I do, too. But I want to do this WITHOUT paying a $75 ticket.

7. People Who Take Everything Personally. I have a friend who does this (no, not any of you.) and is convinced that I hate her if I haven’t called her back immediately, like I am somehow sitting at home and plotting AGAINST returning her call. While I appreciate that she gives me this much credit for being so scheming, it’s just not that complicated. I haven’t called her back because I have forgotten. Period.

(and trust me, if you read something on my blog, ever, that makes you think I am somehow knocking YOU personally, I’d like to remind you to reconsider. I assure you I am neither that smart or that cunning.)

8. Spandex Leggings. I know that the 80’s is making a comeback (Hello, American Gladiators!) and I’m pretty much okay with that, save for part of the fashion. The part that convinces women to wear spandex leggings underneath their dresses/oversized shirts. Why? BECAUSE IT LOOKS FUCKING STUPID. It did then, and it does now.

9. PPD. It’s not enough for women who have just had babies to be overtired, ridiculously hormonal, and disgusted that their asses got pregnant, too, but now we get to add depression into the mix. I mean, how fun is it to finally get something you’ve wanted for a long, long time and then find yourself weeping into the couch cushions BECAUSE THE PATERNITY RESULTS ON MAURY WEREN’T ON TODAY.

10. Blackberry’s. Now, I like to be as connected as the next person, and maybe it’s because I have no real need to be as connected as someone with a paid job (oooh! A comment for me to moderate!QUICK! MODERATE IT!), but I just can’t get behind a piece of technology that has made it socially acceptable to interrupt a conversation with a real, live person sitting in front of you to read an email. Color it any way you’d like, but it’s fucking rude and it’s tacky. There is nothing that cannot wait 30 seconds until the real live conversation is done. And if it’s genuinely so bloody important, the phone will ring.

Amazingly enough, this took me a long time to complete. I guess I’m not as angry as I thought that I was.

So tell your Aunt Becky, who is on YOUR current shit list? Who (or what) peed in YOUR cheerios today?

21 Comments to

“The One Scarlet With The Flowers In Her Hair”

  1. On February 5th, 2008 at 12:31 pm Kristen Says:

    Wow, that is quite the shit list! This morning mine consists of all the stuff my husband has started and not finished in my house, and my kids wasting my time by not doing their school.

  2. On February 5th, 2008 at 1:08 pm Michelle Says:

    My shitlist just got bigger this morning, with a former High School classmate that did some work on my house. Calling and basically threatening me that we had a signed contract, and when could he do the rest of the work. Because he was late the 2 days he was here I just paid him the full amount to get him to go. This morning while in the shower he comes pounding on my door!

    Second on the list is one like yours, the phone calls and mailings from the local politicians. If Denny Hassert or Jim Oberweis call me one more time I will scream!

  3. On February 5th, 2008 at 1:18 pm Tony Says:

    I am with you on the Brain Implant (you say blackberry, I say brain implant). I have one, and they are annoying, frustrating and HIGHLY ADDICTIVE.

    I am a morning person though, and for one reason: Its the only time of day when nobody is awake to bother me.

  4. On February 5th, 2008 at 1:18 pm Kristin Says:

    Radio sales reps. Is mental retardation a prerequisite for this position?

  5. On February 5th, 2008 at 1:29 pm shay Says:

    I might just print off the Blackberry thing and show it to my husband!
    I have to admit to having one too but in my defense, I don’t’ have the email option and my hubby is kind of a tech guy so I have all these gadgets young guys working at those booths in malls are super impressed by. I had one stop me and, all excited, mention we have the same BB and how do I like mine? I mentioned that it makes calls just fine and I couldn’t care less lol.

    So there you go…stupid young guys at booths in malls bug me:)

    And kids screaming in the car while I’m trying to drive. well not just any random kids, MY kids….

    I could go on and on….

  6. On February 5th, 2008 at 2:00 pm Kristine Says:

    1. The guy who whips around me in traffic nearly causing accidents to end up…right in front of me at the next light. You got so far by endangering other people!

    2. The officer who threatened your husband that they are going to harass you by sitting at the end of your driveway and not let you leave your house, and when the patrol sargent is called to complain, he says “eh…oh well.”

    3. The person whose house you are visiting knows full well you are trying to cut back on carbs, and have thus far been successful in actually losing come baby weight, excitedly tells you that she plans to make an entire meal of flour and sugar.

    4. And your husband tells you that you are not allowed to decline that meal, because it might hurt said person’s feelings. Even though she has no such restrictions on hurting yours.

    5. People who use cell phones in bathrooms.

    This could go on a while…

  7. On February 5th, 2008 at 2:02 pm SaraS-P Says:

    Looks like we are on a very similar bitching wavelength. Morning people are fooling themselves, I’m convinced. I refuse to ever get a Crackberry (people, it can wait!). I love tights (to cover my back of the knee stretch marks), but hate the riding up and pinching inherent with leggings. And I can’t stand skinny girls and women who wear the leggings as pants, sometimes not even paired with a long shirt so they might as well romp around naked.

  8. On February 5th, 2008 at 2:13 pm Emily Says:

    At the risk of being accused of #7, I will tell you that all us #3s are not so bad, and we actually envy those of you who can stay up past 10:30.

    On my shit list? People who don’t listen when you check with them about dates before you buy really expensive plane tickets and say “That’s great” only to send you an email the next day telling you they will be out of town for part of your visit.

    Not that I have anyone particular in mind.

  9. On February 5th, 2008 at 1:34 pm magpie Says:

    Loud talkers on the train. Oof. Give us some peace and quiet.

  10. On February 5th, 2008 at 2:57 pm Cricket Says:

    Okay, the thyroid explains everything. I was diagnosed two and half years ago and still am not right. This is common. It is frustrating. It sounds like they’re not treating you aggressively enough and it sound like they’re a little too concerned about labs. Get them to give you enough thyroxine to make you feel better, numbers be damned.

    Or just tell me to shut up and avoid my phone calls.

  11. On February 5th, 2008 at 3:00 pm Karen Says:

    I have to admit that I am one of those blackberry freaks. Sorry.

  12. On February 5th, 2008 at 3:18 pm Jenni Says:

    my list?
    1. people who won’t help you do the dishes but have no problem standing over your shoulder telling you how you’re doing it wrong.
    2. when out with girlfriends for a much needed night out, dealing with the a-hole who doesn’t take the words I’m married as a hint to F-Off.
    3. when the toddler purposely does something he knows he’s not allowed to do… and stares right at you as he does it…

  13. On February 5th, 2008 at 3:58 pm Leslee Says:

    1~ Little boys who insist on being loud and fighting like cats and dogs.

    2~ Not being able ot take my Happiness (read:NyQuil) cuzz the new med the doc gave me will make my Happiness kill me. Or something similar.

    3~ Not being able to swallow without wanting to slit my own throat.

    4~ The weather telling me that there is gonna be 6 inches of snow accumulating ON TOP of the 1/4 inch of ice that we’re supposed to get tonight.

    5~ The fact that I’m dreading going back to work on Friday. I SO wish I could just fucking quit.

    I think I’ll stop there. 😛

  14. On February 5th, 2008 at 3:31 pm Heather Says:

    Ugh, morning people; I’ve been trying to force myself to be a morning person – as you well know, but it’s so damn hard.

    I also loathe drivers who are extreme – either driving dangerously slow or aggressively.

    And one more thing. Guy hair that’s kind of long and looks like it’s been blown forward forming a sort of Farah Fawcett-like dome of mushroom boy hair – smashed under a trucker’s hat.

  15. On February 5th, 2008 at 4:55 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    Oh, I love this idea. I may have to borrow it. But since I have plenty of things that tick me off, I can also list some here:

    1. The fact that at least one family member has been ill ever since Ironflower began preschool. . .last SEPTEMBER.

    2. Grocery store prices.

    3. People who tailgate me while talking on their cell phones.

  16. On February 5th, 2008 at 7:24 pm ewe_are_here Says:

    January, morning people, tailgaters, people who can’t figure out how to replace toilet paper on the roll … all things worthy of bitching about.

  17. On February 5th, 2008 at 8:41 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    I find this strikingly odd . . .I complain constantly . .. I’m sure that I do! But when someone actually asks me to complain, I can’t think of a single, damn thing.

    I guess I’ll complain about that . . .

    Lack of an adequate brain!

    I’ll write that in big, bold, letters, next to #1.

    When I think of #2 . ..I’ll get back to you. . . .

    (or maybe not . . .due to #1)

  18. On February 6th, 2008 at 3:26 am baseballmom Says:

    I posted a random list on my site that pretty much turned into a shit list…I was amazed to come over and see your post right after that…great minds, ya know!

  19. On February 6th, 2008 at 3:26 am baseballmom Says:

    I forgot…’regulate’ bwaaaahaaaaa!

  20. On February 6th, 2008 at 9:56 pm honeywine Says:

    Cullotes! Ugggh… Forget spandex…CULLOTES! And I can’t believe SJP brought them back…uugghh…

    I feel your hairy pain. I had a gastric bypass almost 2yrs ago, and my hair is just now starting to recover. It came out in handfuls for a long time. If I hadn’t had very thick hair to begin with, I’d have been bald.

  21. On February 9th, 2008 at 12:43 pm Pamela J. Says:

    Oh my God, I so totally love the line about Maury and the paternity test results!

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