Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Kiss My Ass, Valtrex. Oh, Wait, Please Don’t.


I’m sitting, ass glued firmly to the couch cushions, television on for background noise purposes, baby happily babbling in his Exersaucer, and all of a sudden a female voice breaks into my thoughts:

“I have genital herpes” she confesses to me.

The camera pans to her partner, “and I don’t” he confidently informs us.

The commercial goes on to discuss more about these two shmoes goods than I ever cared to know while I sit there completely horrified, jaw gently grazing the cat-hair covered carpet. Why, oh why do I need to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to erase the image of herpatic-vessicle-covered vag-jay-jay’s from my already addled mind?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we need to pretend like STD’s don’t happen by shushing it up (Lord knows Aunt Becky has seen more STD’s than you have. Because I’m a NURSE, you pervert! Get your mind outta the gutter.) and shaming those who have them into institutions or anything, not at all. Hell, plenty of people have them, live with them, while others have managed to barely dodge that bullet, and I don’t honestly think that it’s something to be all that ashamed about.

I just don’t need my Oprah interrupted by having to hear about and subsequently imagine sores on your flipping meat curtains.

Before you flog me for being insensitive to those who have herpes, let me assure you I also don’t really care to have my day interrupted by ads promising to rid me of that pesky yeasty discharge, freshen up the old curtains with a vinegar douche, or make sure I don’t piss my pants in public anymore. For awhile, I wondered if advertisers had somehow read my mind BECAUSE THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD BEEN SUFFERING FROM! ALL OF IT. AT ONCE!


I kid, I kid.

I’m not going to pretend I haven’t dealt with some delicate conditions of my privates over the years, hell, I’ve even gleefully documented When Monistat Attacks (my husband is a very, very lucky man), went to the hospital after I peed my pants, but none of these things have put me on your television set. Sure, I talk about these delicate conditions on my blog, but you have voluntarily chosen to read (or click away quickly. Whateves. Can’t say that I blame you) and I swear to you on all that is holy, I’ve not been endorsed by a soul, and make not even one cent for writing this. In fact, I’m almost certain there are people who would pay me to NOT blog any longer.

Alas, I digress.

But seriously, could we PLEASE put a ban on having to watch people talk about the state of their junk? Even as someone who frequently asks “When was your last bowel movement?” I don’t want to have to consider the rashes of random stranger’s privates (and believe me when I tell you that I have actually had strangers want to “show me their rash” when I tell them that I am a nurse. It happened once on the subway and I will never, ever forget it, no matter how many cocktails I’ve downed.).

So what bugs YOU when you see it advertised? Is it the Viagra commercials? Or perhaps you hate the commercials about people getting shmaltzy about their cats and it makes you want to break your TV set, because those are annoying, too (and I loves me my animals).

Or maybe your Aunt Becky is just in uber-prude mode (which might be the first time ever I would be accused of being a prude. Ooooh Yeahhhhh.), and shouldn’t be bothered by something as simple as an STD medication and should probably get the hell over herself already (this is likely. Very, very likely). In this case, just tell me something, anything that bugs you today.

36 Comments to

“Kiss My Ass, Valtrex. Oh, Wait, Please Don’t.”

  1. On January 10th, 2008 at 12:01 pm Pauline Says:

    I HATE depression/mental illness adds with a passion. They make my therapist mind squirm and want to scream at my t.v. to the tune of “A tiny little pill isn’t going to make ALL your problems go away.” Yes, it can help you feel better, but it does not solve everything. Anyway, I digress. Those adds (like many drug adds,really, I hate ALL drug adds) encourage people to self diagnose, and M.D.’s are so afraid of being sued these days that when someone comes in demanding Drug X because they are SURE they have condition Y they are far more likely to just give them the drug then spend the time necessary really talking about the problem. Knowledge is power, true. You have to be your own advocate, true. But we do not need to be brainwashed by drug companies and given only about 15% (and I actually think this is a somewhat accurate number) of the information about a particular drug and told that it will make our lives sunshiny and great (that IS what those drug commercials imply. I don’t care if you hate me for saying it). Ok. I’m stepping off my soap box now. You’re not alone in your Hatorade Aunt Becky.

  2. On January 10th, 2008 at 12:07 pm kbreints Says:

    I cannot stand the commercials that are advertising a medication– but they cannot say what they are, and go on and on about what the side effects may be. i mean how is this commercial going to make me want to “ask my doctor” about it. How would I even start?

    Yes doctor, please prescribe this unknown un-tested medication to me so I can come back when it has made me want to kill myself with a migriane, rip off my skin because of the itching, and it has stopped my heart three.seprate.times.

  3. On January 10th, 2008 at 12:26 pm Kristin Says:

    There is a commercial out right now for a cell phone company that annoys me to no end. In it, a girl states she was worried about going to college because her father didn’t know how to read his mail and pay his bills. The father brought all his bills to his cell phone company store and a rep helped him. I think it’s supposed to give me warm fuzzies about the kindness of the cell phone company employees – but all I can think is…why can’t the dude pay his bills?

    If the daughter is so concered, why didn’t she teach him how to pay the bills before she left? Aren’t there senior centers to help people like this? What the FUCK is wrong with the guy????

    I don’t know why it bothers me so much – but it does. Since I am in advertising for a living, I think I am hyper-critical.

  4. On January 10th, 2008 at 12:58 pm Tony Says:

    Just about any of the drug commercials get right up my ass. every 60 seconds, you have someone informing you of a new syndrom or disease you may have. “do you wake up tired?”…why yes I do…”do you have difficulty being motivated at work?”…thats two symptoms.shit, maybe I am going to die!!.

    And then at the end of the commercial, they always very quickly and hushedly try to inform you that there are only a billion side effects of this medication , for which I am sure the same company has an over the counter remedy, until they quickly and quietly list ‘sudden death’ as one of the side effects. DEATH?? I think I would rather take my chances ill be fired for being un-motivated…

  5. On January 10th, 2008 at 1:11 pm Jenn Says:

    I hate pretty much ALL commercials. But especially ones where a woman says, “It’s so easy even I can do it!” as thought it’s some miracle someone with ovaries is able to accomplish something on her own that doesn’t even cooking, cleaning or taking care of children. Those Wendy’s commercial with the people wearing the wig… those are really annoying too. πŸ™‚

  6. On January 10th, 2008 at 1:11 pm Jenn Says:

    Argh! Note to self: proofread before posting!

    I meant to say “doesn’t INVOLVE” not “doesn’t even”! Oops.

  7. On January 10th, 2008 at 12:32 pm becky Says:

    Drug commercials ARE terrible, and I couldn’t agree more. Why advertise something that your doctor may or may not prescribe for you in the first place BUT WITH A DIAGNOSIS. Plus, they always take forever, because by law they need to disclose the risks/side effects of meds. Seriously, if I want something to treat my condition X, I’m going to listen to a specialist, not my television.

    And Kristin, I heard that commercial yesterday and wondered the same thing. Why couldn’t she have helped him BEFORE she went away, PLUS, why would a cell phone company CARE about him paying his other bills, etc? I know if I walked into a T-Mobile store without buying something and asked for their help applying my Valtrex (no, not a topical drug, but still) they would laugh at me and send me away to the mental hospital.

    What gives here?

  8. On January 10th, 2008 at 1:52 pm Karen Says:

    I hate the commercial with the people are suffering from side effects of smoking. You know the guy – “I had my cirgarette in this park when I was 6 and they cut my leg off once it began to smell bad”.

    Yes, smoking is bad. DUH. I don’t want to look at some dude’s gangerous (sp?) foot though. I turn the channel every time.

    And don’t get me started about the guy who can’t swim becuase he has a trach…. (sp?) (I hope you, as the nurse, get a kick out of the fact that I cannot spell medical terms)

  9. On January 10th, 2008 at 1:59 pm Manny Says:

    I have to agree with the others and say that those effing prescription commercials piss me the hell off. I mean, seriously, if you include diahrrea, high blood pressure or DEATH as some of your “side effects”, who the fuck are you kidding? I don’t care how may fields of daisies I run through or mountain climbing expeditions I can take if the next time I pop a Valisodynocalostomypriapismtrex I might be found dead in a puddle of my own sick. Rant over.

  10. On January 10th, 2008 at 2:00 pm Manny Says:

    Oh, I also hate commercials for Bryman college.

  11. On January 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm Gail Says:

    Wow. This makes me EXTRA glad I don’t watch tv. And I change the station whenever a radio commercial comes on.

    I love my highly uninformed life. πŸ™‚

  12. On January 10th, 2008 at 3:14 pm MsPrufrock Says:

    You’re like a bad commercial, with all this complaining about the problems of these poor people! You need to get a frickin life, and I hope you get an STD so you know how it feels!

    Ahem. That was me trying to be your first troll. Heh. If it makes you feel any better, my blog has been up and running for just over three years and I’ve never had a troll despite being a rather mouthy cow.

    Anyway, back to this post. The UK has an abundance of personal finance adverts that I could very much do without. They are on all the bloody time and are so cheaply made it’s embarrassing.

    I need a nap.

  13. On January 10th, 2008 at 3:45 pm Leslee Says:

    Dude. I freaking HATE those E*Surance commercials. Stupid cartoon bitch fighting imaginary crime to save me money on my car insurance. I hope she gets blown up.

    And the Have a happy period commercials. There’s NOTHING happy or helpful about my period. Did you know that if you buy Tampax, you can help a chick in Africa get tampons, too? I’m sure that it sucks over there not being able to get a fucking tampon, but DUDE. I do not want to think about helping poor people when I am buying things for the nasty girly time hoo-hoo.

    Oh the happy period. How full of shit you are TV.

  14. On January 10th, 2008 at 3:47 pm Emily R Says:

    And this is why I DVR everything and skip the commercials.

  15. On January 10th, 2008 at 4:11 pm Cricket Says:

    Sleep number bed. Enough said.

    I hate the med commercials, too, particularly because they make me think (more accurately put, as in pulling out eyelashes one by one) of the power and wealth of pharmaceutical companies, but many of them are comforting somehow and I know I am not alone, as in needing some of the aforementioned here.

    There, had to give you one smaltzy respoonse.

  16. On January 10th, 2008 at 4:26 pm tonya cinnamon Says:

    ok ok ok i gotta admit i do hate all commericals but there is one i love .. gleefully love
    the smiling bob commercials..
    Smiling Bob” pitching the pill that supposedly induced his silly grin. It’s called Enzyte.
    some thing about it just cracks my shit up everytime i see it..LOL..

  17. On January 10th, 2008 at 3:48 pm Heather Says:

    I pretty much have a love/hate relationship with commercials (more hate than love, though). Ones I hate: 1) the ‘if you have an erection lasting more than four hours, seek immediate medical assistance’ viagra shmiagra, 2) The Subway commercials with Jared, 3) the Sally Field osteoporosis commercials, and *many* more.

    My favorite is for a carpet cleaning company. This kid yells, “hey, mom, fido learned a new trick!” and the camera pans to this hairy dog dragging his ass across the carpet with his front legs. The the announcer guy says, “in need of carpet cleaning in your house?” LOVE that.

  18. On January 10th, 2008 at 5:21 pm Kristin Says:

    What about the Starburst ad where the whale pukes all over the guys in their wetsuits?

  19. On January 10th, 2008 at 5:27 pm Calliope Says:

    The things that bother me are things that many of you may not be aware of since I watch tv with a geriatric all day. We LOVE to get our Jessica on in Murder She Wrote, but the networks that the show airs on (both Halmark and biography)do this thing with the VOLUME during commercials. They seem to know that old people are watching and so when the show cuts to commercial the volume goes up by 300 points. So we get people SCREAMING at us to buy Proactive or that bed with the numbers of switch to geiko.

    When I am not watching tv with Grandmother what freaks me out are food commercials. That shit is disgusting. Who wants to see a close up of a taco or chili fries?? blech

  20. On January 10th, 2008 at 5:53 pm Lindz Says:

    Oh man, you had me cracking up so hard. I wish I could write the way you do. I just write the way I think, and sometimes that is very confusing!

    Keep it up woman!

  21. On January 10th, 2008 at 5:12 pm Josh Hawkins Says:

    Any of the drug ads, usually for restless leg syndrome or chronic dry eye, or some other med that seems to be targeted to people with nothing better to do with their day, that then have the woman, and it’s universally some hot 40 something woman, out living life, which involves using at some point in the day, an expensive, high end camera that is mostly used by pros or high end amateurs. There is always a photo shoot, always. Ugh.

  22. On January 10th, 2008 at 5:22 pm becky Says:

    Bwahahahahahaha! I fucking love the Enzyte commercials, too. The guy cracks my ass up!

    And yeah, the drug commercials are so bloody pointless that they make my eyes bleed out all over the place. Who gives a rats ass about XYZ medication IF YOU DON’T HAVE THAT DIAGNOSIS? And if you do, and if you’re smart, you’ve already LEARNED all about your diagnosis and the possible meds to treat it. Blech!

    Esurance makes me insane, too.

    This list makes me look like I watch WAAY more TV than I actually do.

  23. On January 10th, 2008 at 5:23 pm becky Says:

    And you’re going to have to come up with some fake email address, Ms. Pru if you want to be a spammer. But it made me feel all happy inside to know that someone might be a troll! Thanks for making my day!

  24. On January 10th, 2008 at 6:49 pm becky Says:

    Cali, I have totally noticed that about certain stations at certain times of the day, and it drives me mad. Stupid commercial people!

    Kristin, haven’t seen that one, but it sounds awful. I hate those ads usually, so I’m pretty sure I’d hate that one too.

    Thanks, Lindz, you’re makin’ me blush.

  25. On January 11th, 2008 at 12:12 am Jessi Says:

    Hey, I just ran across this site from someone’s link…somewhere, I can’t remember. But I love this post. Very well written and I agree wholeheartedly!

    The worst commercials are on the channels my grandma watches all day – Lifetime, Hallmark, ABC Family. They are all aimed at the elderly and they are HORRENDOUS. My kids have seen so many of them from visiting Grandma’s that they have actually memorized phrases from them. It was blindingly sunny out one day and my 4 year old announced, “We need a sunsetter retractable awning! It opens up in less than 15 seconds!”

    And why do commercials make people look so stupid?! Like we can’t figure out how to open jars and drain tuna and wipe our butts without the aid of some special product.

  26. On January 11th, 2008 at 2:04 am Josh Says:

    Do you have any idea how often they show those darn Enzyte commercials during the mid-day Star Trek episodes? After you’ve seen it for the third time in an hour, every hour, for the previous 4 hours, they get old. Trust me.

  27. On January 11th, 2008 at 7:30 am rockmama Says:

    All US ads for prescription drugs are hilarious.

    “Blahmazone has changed my life for the better! (Side effects may include drowsiness, dizziness, vomiting, hair loss, sexual dysfunction, heart palpatations, excess sweating, uncontrollable urination and barking like a dog.)”

    The thing that the drug is treating rarely sounds as bad as all the shit that it cause cause!

  28. On January 11th, 2008 at 10:48 am becky Says:

    Rockmama, you are SO RIGHT! It’s incredibly annoying!

    (waves) Hi Jessi! My son has taken to requesting that I get the Swivel Sweeper mop thing that they advertise on his kids programs. I had to spend a great deal of time explaining to him that the things he sees advertised on television are not always quite what they appear to be in real life.

  29. On January 11th, 2008 at 12:23 pm Chicory Says:

    I was home sick for delurking day, but here I am!

    I get unbelievably, red-facedly, constipatedly annoyed at all the fricking previews at the beginning of children’s DVDs. I mean, I want to just plug the thing in and have it play, not have to, you know, STAND THERE, fast forwarding when I should be making my drink and putting my feet up in front of my computer while my child zones out.

  30. On January 11th, 2008 at 12:49 pm honeywine Says:

    Meat curtains… ::walks away shaking head and mumbling phrase while trying to dispel image::

  31. On January 11th, 2008 at 12:53 pm becky Says:

    Hi Chicory! I feel your pain about the previews. Makes me so irritated.

    Sorry, honeywine, thought you had heard that one by now πŸ™‚

  32. On January 11th, 2008 at 3:23 pm Andria Says:

    Dear Lord, I had to scroll forever to find this box. I wish my lurkers would comment. Sniff.

    Anyway, I do hate those commercials. I mean, if you have all those kinds of things, you’re kinda going to find what you need to fix it so why do you need a commercial about it?

    But, I don’t know much about what my husband does, but I do know that he makes valtrex, so I need that commercial so he can keep his job.

    I love that he makes valtrex because I can use the line “my husband makes and sells drugs” whenever someone asks me what he does.

  33. On January 10th, 2009 at 10:52 pm The Cream of the Crop - Your Best Posts From 2008 « Hey Lady! Whatcha Readin’? Says:

    […] Mommy Wants Vodka – Kiss My Ass, Valtrex. Oh, Wait, Please DonÒ€ℒt. […]

  34. On January 11th, 2009 at 8:58 am Dreamybee Says:

    Agree with everyone about the medication commercials. I also hate all the poorly made local commercials where there’s either some guy yelling at you TO COME TO HIS STORE NOW BECAUSE EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!! or somebody’s kid who can’t do his lines but he’s in the commercial because he’s related. Also, Carl’s Jr. has an ad where they plop down this huge nasty drippy burger onto a hard surface and it sort of bounces around and a big glob of mustard falls off and splats onto the table. Seriously, it’s disgusting-nothing enticing about it at all. Oh, AND the Burger King commercials with the creepy-ass king.

  35. On January 12th, 2009 at 8:44 am hisqueen Says:

    How about those Attorney commercials. All the drugs you’ve taken, all the places you’ve worked or visited are to blame for all your problems. Call us. For a minimal fee of 85% of what we collect for you, we can make all your problems go away.
    The drug for your heart caused liver damage, the drug for your depression caused you to kill someone. The place where you worked 45 years ago caused your cancer, not your lifetime addiction to alcohol and cigs.
    Perhaps some lawyer out there could take on the Ad companys and prove that all our insanity is linked directly to T. V. Ads.
    Any takers??

  36. On January 13th, 2009 at 8:56 am Jeanne Says:

    Um, I don’t see commercials, although I hate the radio ones where someone screams loudly about furniture. I’m just not being a lurker. That word, for me, is forever associated with the Georgia Nicholson books, by Louise Rennison, in which it means a pimple.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...