Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



I’ve been so full of The Laze ™ these past two days that it would be laughable, except that it’s not. I can’t seem to find the motivation to do a whole lot, save from playing Lego Star Wars (no, sadly for The Daver, I am not a Video Game Person, I just happen to like playing that one) and taking care of the absolutely pertinent day-to-day stuff.

I could lie and tell you that I’ve got a To-Do list a mile long that’s preventing me from being productive, but you know I would never lie to you, baby. Ssshhh, baby it’s okay, don’t worry, Aunt Becky wouldn’t lie to you. I love you too much for that.

Once Alex is carried back to reality from his morning nap (!), I’m going to hoist myself off my less-wide (thank you Synthroid, oh THANK YOU for finally making my metabolism go the right way and allowing me to lose 6 pounds. I am going to throw a parade in your honor!) ass and run some errands.

Normally, when I’m feeling full of The Laze ™ it’s because I’m depressed and lonely and sad and pathetic and dramatic (oh! the! drama!), but this time it’s not the case. I think I’m just sick to death of winter and am feeling rather stir-crazy and bored. Staying home with the kidlets is great in some regards, but can make a person feel like they’re slowly being pecked to death by a flock of adorable chickens.


At least the snow is melting today (this means it’s likely to dump 12 feet of snow on us tonight. Stupid Chicago weather).


I got tagged by my darling fellow Chicagoian LAS (who you should really check out. She could use a bit of Internet Loving right now, and I know you guys are up to the task) AND my sexy friend Complicated Mama to do this book meme.

Directions: Pick up the closest book. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences.

Without further adieu, I present my book:

“Baby Make Me Breakfast,” by Lisa Brown. Since there is no page 123, I will be giving you the book in it’s entirety:

“I would like…

half a grapefruit,

a soft boiled egg,

a piece of toast,

a cup of coffee,

and a couple of aspirin.

Thank you Baby!

(now scoot, Mama’s hung over).”

(oh yes I just did).

Hmmm, I’ll tag… Pauline, Ames, and KC.


Okay, Sexy Internet, quick question for you. Put yourself in Aunt Becky’s kicky pink gogo boots and riddle me this: if you were throwing a birthday party at the end of the month for your second child, but you didn’t have many friends with kids, AND you stupidly put “RSVP regrets only” on your invites, would you:

1) Make gift bags for everyone who may be attending (which will likely be mostly adults).

2) Guess how many kids will be coming and make gift bags accordingly just for the kids.

3) Fuck gift bags. You’re already giving them food.

*smootches, Internet, I heart you*

37 Comments to


  1. On March 6th, 2008 at 11:52 am b Says:

    Dude, you’re feeding them AND you want to give them presents? Fuck that! If they want hand outs..point them towards the nearest soup kitchen. : ) BTW, I think you cheated on your book meme. I’m just sayin…

  2. On March 6th, 2008 at 12:01 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Aren’t the Winter Doldrums just grand?? Bleh.

    I’ve never given out gift bags. When I ceded the Birthday Event Of The Year (also know as the Evil Genius’s fifth birthday) to Chuck-E-Cheese, they provided goodies, but I won’t do it. I think it’s a ploy of the Cheap Plastic Crap industry in conjunction with the Extreme Sugar Overload manufacturers to make parents feel like schmucks if they don’t give party-goers gifts…like bribes for coming and giving your kid a present and gobbling cake and stuff. Can you tell how much I delight in birthdays??

    So I vote for option the third, fuck gift bags, they’re getting fed.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  3. On March 6th, 2008 at 12:24 pm Pauline Says:

    I agree. We don’t need presents. The food and the company are plenty. 🙂

  4. On March 6th, 2008 at 12:46 pm The Milk Maid Says:

    I vote for fuck that! Or a gift bag for everyone with a TIP envelope.

    Ya know, GA has no snow. Well, maybe like once every 2 years we get enough to almost over the grass. You could move here. Just sayin’!

  5. On March 6th, 2008 at 12:51 pm Tony Says:

    Make ’em wrestle for the gift bags.

  6. On March 6th, 2008 at 1:04 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    I say make gift bags for all of the possible kids that are coming (you said there weren’t many). But fill them with things that your kids eat (like baby crack, I mean fruit snacks, individual packs of goldfish, teddy grahams, etc.)

    That’s what I do anyway! That way, whatever is not given away will be undoubtedly inhaled by my second born child (and likewise by yours!) 🙂

  7. On March 6th, 2008 at 1:07 pm KC Says:

    Oooohhh, tagged for the very first time in the blogosphere. I will have to update once I get home (I don’t have any books at work)

    As for the gift bags. I demand gift bags! I want shiny, sparkly things – expensive things! I kid, I kid, screw gift bags. The party is for Alex – not the guests.

  8. On March 6th, 2008 at 1:25 pm Kristen Says:

    Gosh, I am feeling exactly like that. And the sun was out yesterday and then it snowed again last night. ugh.

    kiddy gift bags only.

  9. On March 6th, 2008 at 12:28 pm Jenn Says:

    I go with #3. Fuck em if they want more.

    Oh and BTW – I’m F*ckin’ Matt Damon – On the bed, on the floor, up against the mini-bar!

  10. On March 6th, 2008 at 1:34 pm Big Says:

    Depends. What’s in the gift bags?

    Plastic Crap ™ – skip ’em.


    Adult novelties – I’ll take two.

  11. On March 6th, 2008 at 1:35 pm Rayne of Terror Says:

    Skip the gift bags if you are feeding the guests.

  12. On March 6th, 2008 at 1:40 pm Gail Says:

    Kidlets love the gift bags. But HE’S TURNING 1!!!! His little friends don’t need shit, and don’t have any expectations of getting any. Gabriel’s friends hate me for my gift bags. They get shit like pencils and little paint-by-numbers things. No freaking candy. I think the other Moms punish me by buying the WORST, SUGARIEST, MOST DISGUSTINGEST candy ever and putting extra in Gabriel’s gift bag.

    Adults don’t need or want or expect gift bags, unless they come with adult novelties, as Big noted above.

  13. On March 6th, 2008 at 1:53 pm As American as Apple Pie Says:

    I’ll echo the sentiments of the masses…Fuck the gift bags. Especially on his first birthday. You’re giving them elaborate cake right? What more do they need? Although, I would go for adult novelty giftbags myself.

  14. On March 6th, 2008 at 2:24 pm Kirsten Says:

    Definitely F*ck gift bags! Who thought this up and when did it start? I never got gift bags as a kid…

  15. On March 6th, 2008 at 1:53 pm magpie Says:

    Fuck the gift bags. Get mylar balloons for decoration, and each kid gets to take one home.

  16. On March 6th, 2008 at 3:44 pm electriclady Says:

    Fuck gift bags. I did not for one second consider doing gift bags for Bat Girl’s birthday party.

  17. On March 6th, 2008 at 4:22 pm baseballmom Says:

    Fuck ’em. Also? Lego Star Wars rawks…it’s the only game I like playing too!

  18. On March 6th, 2008 at 3:32 pm LAS Says:

    Fuck the gift bags!

  19. On March 6th, 2008 at 4:36 pm Jenn Says:

    Fuck gift bags. But I’ve already proved I’m a shitty host so you may not want to take my advice on this. I can see the point if you are throwing a party for a 5/6/7 year old and his friends are coming but other than that? Fuhgeddaboutit. Or something.

  20. On March 6th, 2008 at 4:56 pm Joann Says:

    I would give the gift bags to ONLY the kids
    Like almost everyone else said, put snacks in
    them not crap!!!
    I went through the same feeling about a week ago
    I fix it by meeting up with my best friend & went out
    to lunch & did some shopping with out kids.
    See I have my grand child all the time & she just turned 3. I needed a brake & that’s what worked for
    me. You should try it.
    As for the rest of the month we have 2 childrens parties
    the circus & we get to go see Dora & Deago
    Lucky me..
    Waho can’t wait….
    Hope you cheer up!!!!

  21. On March 6th, 2008 at 4:56 pm Joann Says:

    Ok sorry I went on & on

  22. On March 6th, 2008 at 4:59 pm shay Says:

    Argh on the winter blahs! I had an entire month of them but the sun is out and the weather is warmer so things are looking up! Hang in baby!

    Um…kids only for the goodies and skip the cheap toys and go straight to the candy. I finally figured this out after years of finding cheap toys under the seats of my van, thrown there in the desperate search for the candy on the way home from parties.

    -course I would want a goodie bag so it depends on how kid-like your adults are….;-)

  23. On March 6th, 2008 at 5:37 pm Valerie Says:

    as all my school texts sit next to me as i work, here’s a meme from a better book: prep by curits sittenfeld.

    “You should all make a point of reading at least one book by her.” She gestured toward the chalboard behind my side of the table, where the line from Kafka was printed. It occurred to me that she must have entered the room before class, written it there, then left again.

  24. On March 6th, 2008 at 4:45 pm Heather Says:

    “Fuck gift bags. You’re already giving them food.”

    I have never given gift bags; with just immediate family (e’s siblings and their children/parents and mine) there will be about 20 kids. They all give out gift bags at their parties, but I’ve already earned the reputation of not, so why disappoint, yk?

    We do let them fight each other over balloons, though, so you could do that.

  25. On March 6th, 2008 at 8:07 pm Blondie Says:

    What’s this thing you call “snow?” I think I saw it on TV once, oh wait, no that was just Bobby Brown’s coffee table. Just being a So Cal beeeyatch!
    Just in case you didn’t get enough input on the goodie bags, I wouldn’t go so far as to say “Fuck them,” but let the kids who come decorate a plain white bag with crayons and/or stickers. Or you could give them a pack of crayons and coloring book to take home? Mainly, don’t stress, save money for the booze!

  26. On March 6th, 2008 at 8:20 pm Karen Says:

    I have been having The Laze also. I just want to hide under my covers and ignore the world.

  27. On March 6th, 2008 at 7:22 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    Skip the gift bags for one year old birthday parties. It’s not like Alex is going to have fun picking out the stuff for the bags, is he?

    And I need that book you used for the meme.

  28. On March 6th, 2008 at 9:19 pm janet Says:

    Forget the gift bags – they don’t need it. We didn’t do gift bags until rose was 3 or 4 and actually understood what a gift bag was, even if we did have older kids coming.

  29. On March 6th, 2008 at 9:14 pm Amy Says:

    I too say fuck gift bags, I like the balloon idea though, balloons are always a hit with kids.

    Thanks for the tag, I’m having a bit of writers block today (or maybe its the fact that I’m on Vicodin for this horrid ovary pain that is making my brain completely blank). All my books are still packed away from the move so I’ll have to find the box and just use the first one I pull out.

  30. On March 7th, 2008 at 1:30 am Lindz Says:

    well if your doing the alice in wonder land theme, why not Make ADULT/KIDDY bags.

  31. On March 7th, 2008 at 5:13 am Emily Says:

    Gift bags are too much work, and they just end up in a landfill. You know my motto: Less is better for the planet. OR, create an art project the can take home.

    I love the adorable chickens line. That is how I feel a lot of the time.

  32. On March 7th, 2008 at 11:52 am Andria Says:

    Don’t start the gift bags before you absolutely have to!

    He’s one. He won’t know if some snarky kid tells everyone his mama sucks because she don’t buy the goods.

    But, I know what you’re feeling, we just got off the birthday train ourselves. I now have five crap-and-candy filled gift bags lining my closet floor all ripe for the ten month old’s taking. And she does. She loves her some smarties she does, keeps her mama on her toes.

    Screw the gift bag. If you absolutely must give something, go to the grocery, geta pack of brown paper lunch bags, give the kids some markers and have them decorate them and then put out a bowl of leftover Halloween/Christmas/Val. candy and tell them to go for it.

    We are all about lego star wars here these days. May the force be with you.

  33. On March 7th, 2008 at 11:57 am kbreints Says:

    Screw the gift bags– buy a couple wittle toys and if you do not use them all – your kids will play with themm!

  34. On March 7th, 2008 at 12:00 pm kate Says:

    gift bags…bah. whose idea was that anyway? it’s ridiculous.

  35. On March 7th, 2008 at 1:08 pm Doc Says:

    Just food

  36. On March 7th, 2008 at 5:28 pm honeywine Says:

    I live in fear of Mommy Patrols (they’re EVERYWHERE) so I’d probably cave and make sure the kids had gift bags. Lest, I meet up with a flock of adorable chickens who dislike people who don’t give with the gift bags. They scare me. :O

  37. On March 7th, 2008 at 10:04 pm melissa Says:

    no idea how i got here but, me likey!! and…because of that…i’m not going to lurk. i’m going to give my 2 or so cents…
    goody bags…make copious amounts…you can always return unopened goodies. kids hate going to parties without goody bags and…you just don’t want to be known as “that mommy”.
    ok…my couple of cents…take it or leave it.
    peace, out!

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