Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

A Life Of Many Colors

April2

Today is World Autism Day, and although I am a rebel who tends to ignore such days as “World Water Day,” “World Bread Day” and my favorite “World Plone (huh?) Day,” I can’t seem to ignore this one.

My firstborn son, my Ben, is on the spectrum.

After his ebullient first birthday party died down and all the gifts were opened (although primarily by the adults) we noticed that Ben was gifted a copy of a Baby Einstein DVD called The Planets. After some hemming and hawing on my part since reading that the American Academy of Pediatrics was strongly opposed to allowing children that young to watch television, one day as I was trying to do some homework quietly, I popped it in the DVD player. I figured that the American Academy of Pediatrics didn’t have the issue of trying to finish a ten page research paper on the use of secret police during the division of East and West Germany during the 1980’s'”fascinating stuff, I tell you–while entertaining a toddler and that they could take their standards and shove them where the sun don’t shine.

And if they didn’t care for that answer, they could always come over and babysit for me.

Even though he’d occasionally caught Sesame Street on the boob tube, I’d never seen the look on his small face peering out from his dark brown bangs before. It took me a couple of minutes to properly identify it. Ben looked, to my shock, as close to happy as I’d ever seen him. The thirty minute movie captivated him and he danced wildly to the music, flapped his arms at the pictures of the planets, while even occasionally smiling. For someone who’d never taken the slightest bit of interest in anything around him save for the pendulum on the grandfather clock in the hallway at my parents house, or the scads of Little People he’d carefully line up in rows snaking around the house, I was stupefied by his reaction.

People, even his own mother, he could have cared less about, a reaction that I had expected 16 years later from him. As a teen, I understood it, as a toddler, I was flabbergasted. I’d thought that all babies were programmed at birth to like people. And animals! Who doesn’t like animals? Ben, that’s who. Animals, even the doting black labs and cuddly kitties we lived with who adored him, not a single one of those interested him in the slightest. If we’d all disappear, only to return to give him such things as food and sippy cups, he’d have probably been perfectly content. His need for socialization and interaction was simply non-existent. Which was hard for me to accept since I had been known to both talk paint off walls and feel suffocated without the telephone affixed to my ear. To each their own, I told myself. Not everyone has the desperate need to be as social as you are, Becky.

After the thirty minute DVD returned to the menu, filling the room with a loop from Holst’s Mars Suite, he indicated through a series of hand-gestures–as he rarely opened his mouth to speak–that he’d like to watch the video again. Still shocked and amazed by this new side of my son, I carefully depressed the play button and watched his reaction closely. Once again, as the movie began and the heavenly bodies were depicted on the screen, he was enraptured. For all of the soothing and comforting that he would not accept from us, this movie seemed to do it all and more. I’d never seen my quiet, strange son so happy and contented in his entire life.

Over and over we’d watch this DVD until I probably could have acted the entire feature out by myself and without prompting, but he never tired of it. Instead, he soaked it all in, able to not only name the nine planets by heart, but soon learning the names of their moons. I followed his lead, and took this pint-sized toddler to the bookstore to pick out a book of his choosing. Rather than enjoying the board book Goodnight Moon that I suggested, instead he found a copy of an encyclopedia of the planets, designed for middle to high school-aged children and became enamored. Before bed we read it, between viewings of his DVD we read it, we read it until the spine cracked and the pages were well worn, and he absorbed every single piece of information inside it’s cracked covers.

While his compatriots in the proverbial sandbox were learning what sound a doggie makes (woof, woof, for those not in the know), Ben was learning to differentiate and name the moons of Jupiter, all sixty-three of them and had become able to identify each and every one, no matter how blurry the picture was. His favorite was Io, but Ganymede was a close second. He would spend hours and hours constructing elaborate solar systems with all of his toys, and would try his best to get the distances between them as accurate as possible when working with Little People and balls. It was quite the uncanny concentration and devotion for someone who was not even two years old. I don’t need to tell you that this was at the same age when I learned how to eat my own boogers and how best to fart on the dog without making her run away.

The depth of his knowledge was both freakish and amazing; awesome and terrible at the same time.

  posted under The Sausage Factory | 41 Comments »

Amelia’s Grace

April1

After Amelia was born and it was determined that there was some sort of issue with her head and brain (bright spots, although excellent on jewelry–think diamonds–are not something, apparently, you want to see on an MRI), I could barely watch that commercial with Alec Baldwin and the brain. Nor could I watch House, MD without having to avert my eyes whenever the picture of the brain came up in the credits.

Neurotic much?

Why yes, yes I was neurotic. I was probably as bat-shit crazy as I’ll ever be (God willing) and there’s a small part of me that feels as though I should be apologetic for it. Things did, after all, turn out as well as they could, especially considering the diagnosis.

But I’m not sorry. Not even remotely. Since I hadn’t thought there was an actual encephalocele, I’d actually prepared myself for a better Worst Case scenario than. Which means I wasn’t nearly as neurotic as I could have been. How frightening is THAT?

Besides, from the moment she was born, no one told us jack SHIT about anything. It was kind of remarkable, just how little information the hospital and it’s employees would divulge. I probably could have learned more from the lady who cleaned my bathroom than I did from all of the nurses and doctors. COMBINED. My friends who have been there will know if that’s standard or not, but damn, how powerless did we feel?

Moving right ahead, now that my neuroses have been well documented yet again. (If that’s not the purpose of blogging, I don’t know what is)

Amelia turned a whopping 2 months old on the 28th of March and we celebrated, perhaps a bit belatedly, by going to back-to-back doctors appointments. Lucky girl!

Before we went to her pediatrician yesterday, I had a rare couple of quiet minutes wherein I waxed eloquent (If Aunt Becky waxes eloquent and no one is around to hear it…? Did it happen?) about how relieved I am that this is my last child. With my other two, even with Ben’s autism, I was much more laid back and relaxed.

So what if Ben ate from exactly one food group (White Food, for those who wonder)? Who cares if Alex didn’t walk until 16 months? That rash on his ass? Slap some Vaseline on it and call it a damn morning.

But suddenly, after Amelia was born and the threat of her developing abnormally was a Front and Center Issue, I consistently noticed things about her. Wait, she’s rolling her eyes into the back of her head as she sleeps, IS THAT A SEIZURE? Oh my GOD, what is WRONG with her hard and soft palate? IT LOOKS WEIRD.

From neurotic to MORE neurotic, I quickly went.

Until yesterday, when I went to the ped with her and I had an epiphany (ala Arby’s = RB’s = Roast Beef! What? I never claimed my epiphanies were bright.). My daughter seemed…normal. Completely normal. She eats well, has regular craptastrophies wherein several items of clothing are damaged, smiles when she’s happy, pouts and screams when she’s mad, and acts just like a…baby.

MY baby.

Maybe she’ll never join MENSA (to be fair, they’ve certainly never beat down MY door either), maybe she’ll have as hard a time with fractions as her dear old mother does, and maybe she’ll never be known as a Brilliant Mind.

Say it with me now: So. Fucking. What?

Today, at her follow up with with her neuro (F/U in medical lingo. Which always brought me much satisfaction to see in a chart when I was an actual nurse because I am very, very mature) she was discharged from the neurologist who told us that we’d see him in the next lifetime. Which may be entirely too soon for me.

Next week, we’ll be visited by the county health nurse who will follow Amelia for the next two years to determine if she’s meeting all of her milestones. We’re also being followed by the University of Illinois. Apparently her diagnosis is not only rare, but totally interesting!

And they’ll probably find something, because if you look for something long enough, you’re bound to find something or another wrong. But I don’t care.

Normality is totally overrated.

  posted under Abby Normal, Cinnamon Girl | 49 Comments »

And Now You Are Two

March30

Dear Alex,

Today at 5:18 you will turn 2 years old. I always hate it when people are all like “where does time go?” but seriously, kid, this getting too big too quickly has got to give your poor bedraggled mother a break. Stop getting so big!

(Pictures, for the interim, can be found here, at my Flickr account. I tried to upload a picture of me holding Amelia, and it was so big that it made my armpit look like a vagina)

The first thing I thought when I saw you was “OHMYGOD, I gave birth to Elmer Fudd” (but since I thought “OHMYGOD I gave birth to a statue” when I birthed your sister, I think you have it pretty good. I was in too much pain–no epidural for pushing and subsequent hemorrhage from his gigantic melon–when your brother was born, so I was barely conscious) but the first thing other people thought (besides your father, who may have gotten slightly teary while waxing poetic about your beauty) was “Holy Shit, he looks like Dave.”

And you do.

But, my love, you also look like your mother. And if people don’t see it, all they have to do is to hang out with you for an hour or so to realize that even if you’re not my spitting image–that honor was bestowed upon your sister, poor girl–you’re my clone. Your personality is all mine and I’m more than pleased to take credit for it.

Sure, you might be able to destroy a room faster than, well, a tornado, and maybe your screams of joy and horrifying temper may drive other people away (I’m looking at your grandmother on your father’s side) or to drink, but in every shriek of your gigantic mouth, I can hear me.

You’re 100% boy, all rough and tumble and stinky feet and throwing rocks, (although I just claimed ownership for your personality, I am not a dude. My sweater kittens and ability to shoot kids from my nether regions says as much.) which pretty much makes you your brothers exact opposite. You’re born opposites in every way I can think of besides the sweet streak that is obviously of your father.

I know it’s a lot to put on a child, and trust me when I tell you that it’s not something you’ll ever be able to change, no matter what happens, but you, my son, you are the one who made me feel like a mother. Your brother, as you’ll learn, was blessed with some pretty interesting issues and sits pretty squarely on the autistic spectrum. One of his challenges and one of the hardest things about parenting him is that he lacks a real ability to show his emotions. It’s okay in day to day life (who needs an emotional basketcase for a 7 year old?), but as a mother, it broke my heart so often I cannot believe it’s whole.

Then you came along, Sweet Baby J, and you reminded me that it wasn’t my fault, that I wasn’t just a lousy mother. While that certainly translated into a relationship that you couldn’t bear to be apart from me for even a single moment, it rarely bothered me. Nothing can top seeing you vibrate with joy, your little legs pumping up and down when you see me at the top of the stairs. You fill up the house with your “MMOOOOOOMMMMYY!!” and jump into my arms when I open them to you.

Nothing, not even a brand-new Prada purse can top that feeling.

I’ll admit, Mr. Jubbs, that I was highly nervous about bringing your sister home from the hospital, as you are an admitted Momma’s Boy. I was terrified that you’d try and club her to death with one of your many soccer balls (GOOOOAAALLL balls, as you call them, you soccer nut you) or poke out her eyeballs like a bird, but you seem….okay with her. You’re not really sure what to make of her which I cannot blame you for, but you know she’s yours.

I know that you think of her often because your mantra is this “Mommy, Dada, MeYA” and you chant this when you’re:

1) Happy
2) Sad
3) Mad
4) Hurt
5) Jubilant
6) Furious George HULK SMASH>

Your poor brother, who thinks that the sun rises and sets on you, has earned the name of “EW.” Which sounds nothing like “Ben,” nor has it ever been anything we’ve called Ben, EVER. But you call him “EW,” you drag him by the shirt or pants from room to room, occasionally insisting that he get on the floor so that you can jump on top of him and wrestle him silly. He doesn’t object–he loves it–and it’s one of your favorite things to do.

Last year, if you remember, I wanted to pay tribute to the little lives of babies I’ve met who have been lost too soon. I urged my readers to do something nice for someone–even themselves–in the name of these lost little souls and their parents, who wait here on Earth without them. The kindness that I saw was unbelievable and amazing: I have some of the best, sweetest readers on the planet.

So today, as I celebrate my son, I celebrate the lives of my lost nieces and nephews with kindness to others. I urge you to help me to spread the love. Do something, anything, kind for someone else. Leave me a comment, let me know what you do. I’ll randomly select someone to send something to.

Join me in remembering:

Hannah

Caleb

Baby JP

Kalila

William

Isabel Grace

Maddy

William Henry

Aodin

Callum

Sarah

Connor

Liam

Samuel

Caden

Masyn

Olive Lucy

Seth Milton

Abigail Hlee

JoeJoe Sherman

Baby Nick

Gabriel Anton

Ryan

Jonathan

Devin Alin

Jacob and Joshua

Baby K, Gabriel Connor, Christian Elliot

Emmerson

Baby Kuyper

Mara S.

(Please let me know via comment or email to becky (at) dwink (dot) net if you’d like me to add another to my posts of remembrance.)

So, Alexander, here’s to another year behind us. I can hardly wait to be your mother for another whole year.

I love you bigger than the sky, my sweet baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

  posted under The Sausage Factory | 40 Comments »

Fattykins

March29

Now I’m just going to out and say it: I get fat when I’m pregnant. It doesn’t seem to matter if I spend my days cradling the porcelain god with all my might or eating a box of cupcakes a day. Bottom line is, I gain between 50-70 pounds with my babies.

Now, the first time I got pregnant, I told myself I’d breastfeed whatever pesky pounds were left once I dropped around 40 pounds at the hospital. I’d be back in my size 6’s within a couple of weeks!

Breastfeeding didn’t work out for us so well and it took nearly 3 years (admittedly 3 years wherein I didn’t exactly diet it off) to get back down to my prepregnancy weight. But I did get down there.

Breastfeeding DID work out with Alex after over nine months of puking my brains out and eating like an anorexic bird still piled 60 pounds onto my frame, so I told myself that the fat would melt off me!

Har-dee-har-fucking-har.

Between Weight Watchers and chasing Alex around the house, I managed to get within 15 pounds of my pregnancy weight before getting pregnant again (3 times, but who’s counting?).

Making a conscious effort not to flip the shit out over my weight and vowing to enjoy the shit out of each and every milkshake that passed through my yawning maw, I ignored the scale this time around. Until about 2 weeks ago when out of morbid curiosity, I stupidly trundled onto it.

I have been depressed ever since.

But, rather than sitting around and moping from room to room, sighing deeply and looking morose, I got off my ass today (to be fair, I’d been waiting on my 6 week post-partum visit to start this diet. Which happened at 8 weeks and on this past Friday) and rejoined Weight Watchers.

I have a long road and about 60-odd pounds to lose, but I’m giving myself an entire 2 years to do it rather than wean my daughter early (read: tomorrow). I’ll do my best for her and try my hardest not to kill myself that I cannot drop the LBS like they’re hot.

(ed note: they are NOT hot)

Breastfeeding and weight loss combined just don’t come easily to me like they do for some other people because I am speshul.

So goes nothing. 60+ pounds. 2 years. And a desire to look less like an Oompa-Loompa. Or John Wayne Gacy (post partum hair loss! SWEET!).

Anybody with me? Any good tips?

  posted under Fatty-Fatty-Bo-Batty | 51 Comments »

TP? We Don’t Need No Stinking TP.

March27

Now, as my trolls are quick to point out (squee! I have TROLLS!) and as I myself will happily acknowledge, I’m not a very smart person. Given the opportunity to save a couple of bucks using coupons, I’m quick to forget them at home. When the baby needs to nurse, I can never remember which boob was the last to be subjected to her tiny mouth. Hell, one time I even set my sheets on fire.

But since my husband is addicted to work-a-hol and isn’t home to supervise me ruining Jello (true story!), my stupidity doesn’t factor too much into the fact that I have not only earned the title of Queen of the Sausages, but also Keeper of the House. If it’s a choice between myself and Ben, well, I’m tall enough to work the gas pedals and have valid credit cards. I’ll suppose there’s no contest there.

So when it comes to doing Grown-Up Things, like scheduling carpet cleanings (why does that sound dirtier than it should?), cleaning up after the savages that I share a home with, and occasionally threatening to throw the dog into traffic, it’s all my realm. What is also my realm and my responsibility is making sure that I know what needs to be bought at the store.

Like toilet paper.

Between the scads of people that use my house to take dumps and the frequency with which I pee–damn you squirrel sized bladder!–this is something we often need. After being the one responsible for buying said ass-paper for upwards of 6 years now, you’d think that I’d have it down pat by now.

And you’d be wrong.

Dead wrong.

Because, you see, I cannot seem to properly purchase it. It’s like I have a brain blockage when it comes to buying TP. I suppose it’s because there are just too many choices and I don’t quite understand how each of the packages differs from the other. 1-ply? 2-ply? Quilted? WITH OR WITHOUT CREEPY BEARS?

I just don’t know!

When we first bought a condo out in Oak (no) Park, we went on a Campaign To Save Money. Against my better (read: snobbish) nature, we decided to start buying generic stuff. Imagine my surprise upon purchasing said generic toilet paper that using it was akin to wiping your ass with wax paper!

But since a Campaign To Save Cash also meant that we bought in bulk (despite the fact that aforementioned condo had absolutely nil closet space), we suffered through a seemingly endless supply of TP guaranteed to chap your ass and make it bleed.

Tres awesome.

This was years ago and I thought I had learned to allow my husband to pick out the ass-paper. When in need, The Daver was The Man With A Plan (or, at least, a better idea of how to avoid hemorrhoids).

Until the day before my induction with Amelia when The Daver and I decided to do our last bit of shopping for awhile. And while he perused such exciting aisles as The Kitty Litter Aisle, I noted that there was a most excellent sale on TP! It was my lucky day!

Without so much as consulting my husband before making this purchase, I quickly threw the ginormous pack into my cart and headed off to buy sheets.

I didn’t think about it again until I came home from the hospital with a gigantic episiotomy and a raging case of hemorrhoids and went to gingerly wipe myself. I nearly screamed as I realized that instead of TP, I’d bought SANDPAPER.

Once again, the TP Boner was all mine. And, of course, in bulk.

After enduring the excruciating bathroom! fun! time! for nearly two months (because I am not only stupid, but stubborn too.) I think that we may have finally gotten to the end of the rolls of wax paper cleverly disguised as toilet paper. And if not, the rest of the rolls will be placed squarely in the garbage can where they belong.

I’ve since been banned from even looking down the TP aisle. My ass and my husband both seem to think this is probably for the best.

So, Internet, dish. What is it that you can’t seem to get the hang of no matter how simple other people find it? Before you’re all like “damn, Aunt Becky, I have NOTHING I can’t seem to do!” because you’re too embarrassed to admit that you can’t pump gas or something, remember I just told you about my hemorrhoids. How more shameful can you get?

  posted under This Boner Is For You. | 66 Comments »

We Don’t Even Charge Admission To The Freak Show

March26

Aunt Becky: “Dude, I’m STARVING. I can’t wait to finish buying this car* so we can eeeaaaattt.” (rubs stomach dramatically for effect)

Daver: “Me too.”

Aunt Becky (jokingly): “Are you saying I’m fat?”

Daver (rolls eyes, voice dripping with sarcasm) “Yes. You’re a damn beached whale.”

Aunt Becky (laughs): “Ass.”

Car salesman eyeball go back and forth and eventually become as wide as dinner plates.

Car Salesman: “So, heh-heh, how long have you been married?”

Aunt Becky begins to count on fingers as The Daver looks on, amused.

Aunt Becky: “Uhhhh….”

The Daver: “I can’t believe you don’t remember our anniversary.” (sniffs loudly for effect) “Three and a half years. We’ve been married three and a half years.”

Aunt Becky: “No shit?”

Daver: “No shit.”

Aunt Becky: “It seems like a freaking eternity.”

Daver: “You’d better mean that in a good way…”

Aunt Becky: “Uh, heh-heh, of course, dear.”

Car Salesman looks acutely uncomfortable and makes up an excuse to get up and walk away.

Daver: “We scare people.”

Aunt Becky: “Hehe.”

*Didya like how I tried to NOT tell you that I bought a mini-van after we’d spent the weekend packing the kids into the car like sardines? As my best friend said, the old Becky would be mocking how suburban I’ve become. Just need that pesky pill addiction, right?

  posted under I Think I Love My Husband | 40 Comments »

Everywhere I Look I See Your Eyes

March25

We gathered there, improbably, given the circumstances, at a nearby bar, all of us together once again. Gone were the Metallica and Megadeth tee-shirts, the sparkly headbands left at home, retired for the night.

This night.

They’d been replaced by somber suits and dress clothes, I tottered on impossibly high heels as we sat there together again, all of us together again, coming from various parts of the state to be together this time, drinking whiskey and vodka to drown the voices in our heads.

I remembered drunkenly as we ordered our first round, that the last time we’d all been together and dressed up was for my wedding three years before. As the happy memory of that played in my mind I was haltingly reminded that one of us was not sitting a block away, cold, hard and dead back then. She was alive and vibrant, laughing and joking with us all.

Suddenly, I didn’t want to remember anything.

To onlookers, we must have looked like quite the jovial bunch of people, obviously close friends who knew each other so well, the comfortable familiarity was palpable. I alternated between snuggling the man on my right and the man on the left, neither of them my husband.

We laughed loudly and comfortably at each other with each other our mouths wide open, the picture of pure bliss. But was it? Was this bliss? To nearby patrons, I’m sure that’s what they saw as they formed mental pictures of this motley band of brothers'”a sister or two thrown in for good measure'”these people out for a night on the town, drinking to life, to liberty, to the pursuit of happyness.

Not one of us was happy, I’ll tell you that for sure. Not a single one of us was happy to be there, to be together for this night. Happy people don’t have these conversations.

“When I die,” I slurred drunkenly. “I don’t want any shitty fucking flowers at my funeral. I’m appointing you there Kristin, to make damn sure that no one sends me fucking filler flowers. No carnations, no baby’s breath, and no goddamned fucking lilies. I fucking hate lilies.” I spat this out as though the words tasted bitter and mean.

I sat back, everyone laughing without a trace of happiness, as I slurped the last bit of whiskey from the bottom of my glass.

“And NO OPEN CASKETS. You all don’t need to see what I look like when I’m dead and made up in clown makeup. So, you’ve got to make me up like Gene Simmons from KISS. You’ll have to somehow pin my tongue out like he does. Then any sick fuck that wants to see my corpse will get quite the shock.’ This seemed to be uproariously hilarious, as we all pounded the table, laughing but not really laughing.

Scott started next. “When I die,” he said joyfully without joy. “When I die, I want you all to stuff me like the guy from Weekend At Bernie’s.” We laughed from within, all of us mentally picturing Scottie in a lawn chair, being rolled in and out of rooms. “And I want a big bonfire and a kegger.” We tittered, remembering all of the bonfires Scott had thrown in his parent’s backyard. “Then, at the end of the night, I want you to throw me on the bonfire.”

We laughed so hard at the thought that we were all left clutching our sides, a painful cramp had formed there.

We drank long and we drank hard, each of us processing the magnitude of what had just happened together but in our own way. I was left clutching a man, walking drunkenly back to his car with him propping me up and helping me past the slick patches of ice. He would have carried me if I needed him to, I knew this and found this an unlikely comfort.

It was cold, freezing cold, I knew logically, but I felt nothing. For the first time in a week I was comfortably numb. It was only then that I realized how much I’d been hurting, the relief I felt at blissfully unfeeling anything at all.

Tomorrow I would wake up and feel it all over again, the pain, the anguish, the incredible hangover, but tonight I was finally free.

  posted under You Are SO Boring | 36 Comments »

Free To Good Home: One Uterus (slightly used)

March24

I always told The Daver that I wanted a couple of things in life: a monkey butler (proboscis preferred, because obviously but I’d consider a bonobo), unlimited fantasies about Britney Spears’s boobs, and three kids. While I’ve gotten the latter two, after that whole “monkey that ate that woman’s face thing,” I’m thinking the monkey butler is probably out. Unless I can dress him in a Richard Nixon mask and convince Dave that the former president is my butler.

Which could happen. Theoretically. He’s not home much (Dave, not Richard Nixon).

Dave, on the other hand, wanted unlimited access to Gummi Savers, a coffee cup with World’s Best Boss on the side in large letters, and a ridiculously expensive pillow. Notice that there’s no mention of crotch parasites anywhere here. We already had one kid and he wasn’t really all that wowed with the idea of having more.

Don’t get me wrong: I didn’t poke holes in condoms or “forget on purpose” my pills or anything quite so backhanded and sinister (probably because I am not smart enough to do this), but I was the one who pushed to have another.

And later another.

The idea was not to just “get busy” so that I could spend the rest of my days with my “hands full,” but to get ‘er over with so that we could be done having babies early, since we’d gotten a somewhat early start (21 and 23, not 14 or 15). That way, we told ourselves, we could spend our 40’s and 50’s enjoying the relative freedoms we missed out on in lieu of dirty diapers and spit-up stains and all nighters of a completely different ilk.

And here we are.

Done.

Free at last.

Now, I make a shitty-ass pregnant person, I’ve never lied about that. I feel like shit, I look like shit, and overall, I just can’t wait to be done gestating. Between that and worrying about additional neural tube defects in subsequent pregnancies (I have been on Folic Acid since Jesus walked on Earth), I’m pretty relieved to be done. But mixed with my sense of relief is a sort-of sense of sadness.

It’s not that I actually WANT more children–I don’t–it’s just that I’m now saying goodbye to a certain chapter in my life, never to go back again. The next time I rub my stomach in public will only be to convince the burrito to go DOWN NOW. And the next time I feel a phantom kick it will only be a burbling fart bubble.

But it’s clear I have issues with saying goodbye to pretty much any and everything. If a restaurant I’ve been to closes its’ doors, I get sort of nostalgic for it WHETHER OR NOT I’ve frequented it. I still occasionally miss nursing school (okay, that is a complete lie). Well, okay, I miss going to school.

I’m sure that from now on when my friends begin to have kids, I’ll always feel the slight tinge of jealousy and nostalgia for those early and exciting times.

And after I’ll inevitably mention this to The Daver, because I am both stupid and lack an internal filter I am certain that he will react by punching himself in the nuts until he’s sure that they’re no longer functional.

Oh well.

I’ll always have my love of Britney’s boobs to keep me warm at night.

  posted under The Sausage Factory | 33 Comments »

The Holy And The Broken Hallelujah

March22

Because we are all about consolidating here at Casa de la Sausage (plus girl) my GP is the same as our pediatrician. He’s an Old Skool former military doc which means he’s incredibly no-nonsense kind of guy and for that I love him. But since I delivered Amelia at a hospital that he doesn’t have privileges at (likely by his own design), we were seen by another ped. Rather than transfer everything over to my GP after we were discharged because we are also lazy, we’ve been having Amelia see the doc she saw in the hospital.

Man, that was a long and boring paragraph. But it has a point!

This week I had to follow up with my GP after my dosage of my anti-depressant was tweaked just to make sure, I guess, that I wasn’t going to kill myself OR others (and if I had, thanks to my incredibly helpful OB nurse, I’d have gone IMMEDIATELY to the ER. Because that’s what suicidal/homicidal people do. They behave rationally! Because suicide and homicide are both REALLY rational things to do! Obviously!). And because I am an incredibly wonderful daughter, rather than saddle my mother with all three of my children, I took my youngest along with me.

(complete aside! You know you’ve been to the doctor WAAY TOO MUCH when you actually notice that all of magazines are ones you’ve seen already! Like Audubon Monthly! Although I don’t read them, preferring to stare vapidly into space, I like to see different things at different offices)

The point of that insanely boring first paragraph is that my GP had not yet met my daughter who will become his patient (arbitrarily) after she is (hopefully) discharged from the neuro. So, because I am that kind of patient–you know, the kind that wastes the precious time of busy doctors–I immediately showed him the back of her head and told him all about Amelia’s encephalocele.

He examined her and told me about one of the saddest stories I’d heard in awhile. Sometime in the 70’s or 80’s, he’d gotten a call from an OB asking him to come to be at this C-Section. The OB suspected a problem with the baby, but without the fancy diagnostic tools we have now, he had no idea what the problem WAS.

Well, it turned out to be a mighty encephaolcele stretching from the top of the head to the nape of the neck.

As you can imagine, the baby didn’t make it.

This was the beginning and end of the experience he’d had with my daughter’s diagnosis.

And this reminded me of how amazing it is that any of us turn out as well as we do. How often things actually go RIGHT.

And what a fucking miracle Amelia is. Needless to say, I’ve been holding all of my kids a little tighter.

  posted under Abby Normal, You Are SO Boring | 40 Comments »

Just The 5 Of Us

March19

The title should probably read “Just The 4 Of Us” since The Davers has been working, well, like the work-a-holic that he is (rough estimate is 80 hours a day, but who’s counting?), but I’d rather not sound like this post is all about bitching about being alone with my kids every.minute.of.every.day. because it’s totally not. Also: how awesome was THAT run-on sentence? (Answer: Awesomeness to the max!).

I remember when people would routinely stop me in the store, my biggest son beside us, my belly swollen with one child while her middle big brother played wack-a-mole with her as I held him in my arms, sweating, panting and generally full of The Unsexiness. They’d almost always say the same thing “Man, you’re going to have your hands FULL!” and I never knew how to respond. On the one hand was the obvious “Duh!” and on the other was my personal favorite “You’re being awfully sanctimonious, you fat sack of shit.” I mean, what do you say to the most obvious thing someone could point out. And they always said it so…gleefully. Like they were about to laugh at my misery.

ASIDE TIME! The other annoying thing that people liked to say? ‘”You’ve obviously been busy!” The implication is, of course, that The Daver and I hump like bunnies. Which would be more appropriate if our children weren’t nearly 2 and 5 years apart. But whatever. How do you respond to THAT? “Oh YEAAAHHHH! The sex is GREAT! And that new butt-plug? SWEEEEET!” *waggles eyebrows suggestively*

But even as those sanctimonious assholes would tell me that as I rolled my eyes (internally) at them, I knew full well that they were right. I was going to have my hands full. From experience, though, I knew better than to really spend a whole lot of time worrying about it. To me, worrying about that was like worrying about how it would feel to do a bowel prep for a colonoscopy. Sure, it sucks, but no amount of worrying would really prepare you for how much it would suck.

I hate to be the ones to inform them, though, that they were dead wrong. It doesn’t suck. Not even remotely.

Alex is having a hard time, that’s not debatable, but I’m beginning to wonder if it isn’t the standard 2 year old growing pains. He’s quick to decide never, ever to touch a food NO!NO!NO! that yesterday was his favorite (thanks to Ben’s autism, I’m intimately familiar with food issues and I don’t sweat them). He tantrums at the drop of a well, ball, these nasty long and drawn-out affairs that involve him throwing himself around the room while weeping histrionically and inconsolably (come to think of it, he sounds an awful lot like his mother).

He loves his sister as fiercely as someone his age possibly can, and when all else fails, I can throw him outside to play. But not in traffic. That would be uncool.

And Ben, oh my Ben, well, he just adores having a little sister. He’s the big brother I wish I’d had (my own frequently wiped the dog’s ass with a rag and then wiped my face with it. Oh, and pretended to be the boogeyman in my closet) and I’m shocked that someone as sweet as he could have come from my own loins.

That said, he’s developing the 7-year old attitude and lip and is actively trying to give me more grey hairs. Did I tell you he’s going to have 3 wives when he grows up? Because this is his plan: a harem of women.

*sighs*

Well, with all those ladies, one of them is bound to like me as a mother-in-law, right? Or is the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship always weird? Inquiring minds want to know.

And my wee cinnamon girl, my sweetest baby Amelia. She is wonderous and amazing and if she would only fall asleep without active work, she would be the ideal baby. She is also my last baby and I’m still not sure how I feel about that. But that, my fair Internet, is a story for another day.

She makes my family, the family I never knew I would be lucky enough to have, complete.

Diaper blow-outs and all.

Now I WAS going to put pictures here (although sadly for my #1 Fan, I will not be posting pictures of myself breast-feeding while walking through a store. Because I don’t have enough hands to take a picture), but my wordpress upgrade won’t let me. Well, it will, but the pictures are fracking huge and it looks weird. So, Internet, I am sorry, but I have no pictures for you right now.

  posted under The Sausage Factory | 45 Comments »
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