Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Just The 5 Of Us


The title should probably read “Just The 4 Of Us” since The Davers has been working, well, like the work-a-holic that he is (rough estimate is 80 hours a day, but who’s counting?), but I’d rather not sound like this post is all about bitching about being alone with my kids because it’s totally not. Also: how awesome was THAT run-on sentence? (Answer: Awesomeness to the max!).

I remember when people would routinely stop me in the store, my biggest son beside us, my belly swollen with one child while her middle big brother played wack-a-mole with her as I held him in my arms, sweating, panting and generally full of The Unsexiness. They’d almost always say the same thing “Man, you’re going to have your hands FULL!” and I never knew how to respond. On the one hand was the obvious “Duh!” and on the other was my personal favorite “You’re being awfully sanctimonious, you fat sack of shit.” I mean, what do you say to the most obvious thing someone could point out. And they always said it so…gleefully. Like they were about to laugh at my misery.

ASIDE TIME! The other annoying thing that people liked to say? ‘”You’ve obviously been busy!” The implication is, of course, that The Daver and I hump like bunnies. Which would be more appropriate if our children weren’t nearly 2 and 5 years apart. But whatever. How do you respond to THAT? “Oh YEAAAHHHH! The sex is GREAT! And that new butt-plug? SWEEEEET!” *waggles eyebrows suggestively*

But even as those sanctimonious assholes would tell me that as I rolled my eyes (internally) at them, I knew full well that they were right. I was going to have my hands full. From experience, though, I knew better than to really spend a whole lot of time worrying about it. To me, worrying about that was like worrying about how it would feel to do a bowel prep for a colonoscopy. Sure, it sucks, but no amount of worrying would really prepare you for how much it would suck.

I hate to be the ones to inform them, though, that they were dead wrong. It doesn’t suck. Not even remotely.

Alex is having a hard time, that’s not debatable, but I’m beginning to wonder if it isn’t the standard 2 year old growing pains. He’s quick to decide never, ever to touch a food NO!NO!NO! that yesterday was his favorite (thanks to Ben’s autism, I’m intimately familiar with food issues and I don’t sweat them). He tantrums at the drop of a well, ball, these nasty long and drawn-out affairs that involve him throwing himself around the room while weeping histrionically and inconsolably (come to think of it, he sounds an awful lot like his mother).

He loves his sister as fiercely as someone his age possibly can, and when all else fails, I can throw him outside to play. But not in traffic. That would be uncool.

And Ben, oh my Ben, well, he just adores having a little sister. He’s the big brother I wish I’d had (my own frequently wiped the dog’s ass with a rag and then wiped my face with it. Oh, and pretended to be the boogeyman in my closet) and I’m shocked that someone as sweet as he could have come from my own loins.

That said, he’s developing the 7-year old attitude and lip and is actively trying to give me more grey hairs. Did I tell you he’s going to have 3 wives when he grows up? Because this is his plan: a harem of women.


Well, with all those ladies, one of them is bound to like me as a mother-in-law, right? Or is the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship always weird? Inquiring minds want to know.

And my wee cinnamon girl, my sweetest baby Amelia. She is wonderous and amazing and if she would only fall asleep without active work, she would be the ideal baby. She is also my last baby and I’m still not sure how I feel about that. But that, my fair Internet, is a story for another day.

She makes my family, the family I never knew I would be lucky enough to have, complete.

Diaper blow-outs and all.

Now I WAS going to put pictures here (although sadly for my #1 Fan, I will not be posting pictures of myself breast-feeding while walking through a store. Because I don’t have enough hands to take a picture), but my wordpress upgrade won’t let me. Well, it will, but the pictures are fracking huge and it looks weird. So, Internet, I am sorry, but I have no pictures for you right now.

posted under The Sausage Factory
45 Comments to

“Just The 5 Of Us”

  1. On March 19th, 2009 at 1:41 pm heather Says:

    Sadly, I think young Alexander’s problem is far less situational than just run-of-the-mill two-year-old angst. How do I know this? Oh. I just know. I won’t go into it here, but trust me – new sister or not, he’d still be bringing the rage.

  2. On March 19th, 2009 at 1:33 pm rachel, too. Says:

    yes! the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is ALWAYS weird. i am currently dealing with it on a daily basis. oy vey.

  3. On March 19th, 2009 at 5:29 pm Anjali Says:

    They DO sound absolutely perfect. I’ve had very, very hard days with my three. But never has it sucked.

  4. On March 19th, 2009 at 4:54 pm Cathy Says:

    I always hated the “you have your hands full!” variety of comments. I tend to look at them and say “why yes, because I have two hands and two children, and thus frequently YES, my hands ARE both occupied with children.” The less kind days find me more along the lines to say “far too full to deal with stupid people” as I walk away.

    Having twiins, we’re especially open to stupid comments. Such as “do twins run in your family?” which elicits anything from a “yes, look at them go!” to an in depth biology lesson with snapshots of my needle collection. And LATELY we’ve gotten the backhanded comments about our sex life because they don’t believe they ARE twins, which .. well, insulting on two levels! I haven’t had enough time to come up with appropriate responses, but I might borrow yours, and and an “asshole” to the end.

    In any case, I am glad you have your perfect little family. They all sound so sweet.

  5. On March 19th, 2009 at 6:19 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    I’m sorry, I know I should have some kind of witty comment, but all I’ve got right now is, “Aunt Becky uses a BUTT PLUG?!?”

  6. On March 19th, 2009 at 5:30 pm deb Says:

    The MIL/DIL relationship’s not weird at all if DIL up and moved 3000 miles away. It’s actually quite relaxed.

    So sweet to hear you talk of the love you have for your family. Warts (or diaper blow outs) and all.

  7. On March 19th, 2009 at 6:51 pm Mrs.spit Says:

    Booo! No pictures! Booo!

  8. On March 19th, 2009 at 8:47 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    I had a friend who had EIGHT CHILDREN. Really. And they were spread out over decades. She had her first when she was seventeen, I think, and her last two were twins that she had at forty. She told me that she knew that everyone thought that all she and her husband did was have sex when in reality, they had sex ONCE the year she got pregnant with the twins. And then…well, twins.
    Sounds to me like you’re doing the new mama thing with verve and style. Good for you!

  9. On March 19th, 2009 at 8:52 pm lola Says:

    Doesn’t Alex turn three soon? Three is when my sweet monkey went crazy. Five was a bitch, too. Oh, well, you’ll have your hands full for the next 20 years or so 😉

  10. On March 19th, 2009 at 8:35 pm amy Says:

    Um, yes, I do believe the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is ALWAYS weird! I can’t stand mine most of the time, and yet I work with her and will be temporarily moving in with her. I know…please send pharmacudicals ASAP.

    I was hell-bent on having all boys, and then I realized…Damn, I too will have some bitchy little daughter-in-law one day. Now I just pray Jack ends up gay!

  11. On March 19th, 2009 at 9:59 pm Em Says:

    So glad things are settling in well – well, not the terrible twos, but you know what I mean.

    Normalcy is so underrated.

  12. On March 20th, 2009 at 12:56 am Danielle Says:

    Ahh yes the sanctimonious assholes that like to talk to you like you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. It’s good times, I tell ya! You should write a book on how to deal with em! Get input from all your readers…oh YEAH! *AHEM* I get royalties, biotch ;o)

  13. On March 20th, 2009 at 5:27 am theramblinghousewife Says:

    This is exactly how I feel with #3 on the way (8 weeks left and counting…) On one hand, I think, “Man, I’m going to be totally on over my head.” But on the other, something about it just seems so right! 😉

  14. On March 20th, 2009 at 6:48 am Badass Geek Says:

    Who wouldn’t want to see a picture of a diaper blow-out?

    Me. That’s who.

  15. On March 20th, 2009 at 5:58 am Rayne of Terror Says:

    Damn, I think I’ve made that you’ve been busy comment, but I never meant it in relation to a person’s sex life. That would be awfully presumptuous.

    How do you find the nearly 5 year gap? Henry’s going to be 4 3/4 when baby #2 is born.

    I’m getting the motherload of maternity clothes this weekend from my mom’s co-workers. One in particular is emptying her closet for me. Yay for not having to brave the shops looking for the one professional XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXlarge they have in stock.

  16. On March 20th, 2009 at 6:41 am Kristine Says:

    Unfortunately I think the MIL/DIL relationship is always at least a little weird. Mine is doubly so, since they lost a daughter at 20 – they tried to use me as a replacement daughter and I tried to explain that I already had parents and I didn’t need another set, especially not as an adult – I’m raised, thank you very much. And then we had a kid and they didn’t know how to be grandparents so they tried to be parents AGAIN, and I had to explain that they are not his parents either. Of course it doesn’t help that my husband idolizes them and they can do no wrong – so I turn out looking like a bitch about things about 85% of the time.

  17. On March 20th, 2009 at 6:42 am Kristine Says:

    P.S. I’m hoping that having had a discfunctional MIL/DIL relationship, means I can correct those wrongs with my own DIL – and also kind of hoping for the gay thing.

  18. On March 20th, 2009 at 6:57 am Eva Says:

    I get along great with my MIL. Never a problem. I love how she never expresses opinions. Of course she lives on another continent and I only see her for two weeks every year or two.

  19. On March 20th, 2009 at 7:07 am The Mommy Says:

    My MIL lived with us for 5 years. Talk about W-E-I-R-D! I was essentially her caregiver. You need to pray every day that that does NOT happen to you. Seriously.

    And I love when people tell me I’m going to have my hands full – especially when I’m out with only my youngest two! I usually go for the shock factor and say something like, “Yeah, this 15th pregnancy is ROUGH!” Seriously, shut up! Nothing quite like stating the obvious…

  20. On March 20th, 2009 at 7:13 am heather Says:

    Eh, I’d like to have 3 husbands, so I’m cool with him wanting 3 wives. What I think he’s trying to tell you is that he thinks it will take 3 women to take care of him as well as his 1 mother. And I think a lot of men feel that way. lol

  21. On March 20th, 2009 at 8:07 am Kendra Says:

    I understand that sometimes people want to say something but aren’t feeling particularly creative, but really. My first was due in August, and all I ever heard was how hot I was going to be for that last month. Yep, they were right, it was a nasty sweaty mess. Thanks for pointing it out months in advance. And I had the same experiences when I was pregnant with #3. And just to make it even harder to deal with, she was a big shock and I was feeling pretty ambivalent about the whole thing for at least the first half of my pregnancy. When you just want to curl up and cry and wonder what’s going to happen when this thing shows up and messes with the family you just got working okay… all you really need is a stranger around to point out how much work it’s going to be.

    I’m not much for thinking on my feet and so would usually just smile and thank them for the insight. Maybe I need to keep a list of Becky-isms I can pull out when I need them!

  22. On March 20th, 2009 at 9:03 am Sara Says:

    Funny how if you have more than one kid all you do is mattress mambo with your husband. (Which, I thought is what married people were SUPPOSED to do. Socially acceptable and all.)

    My kids are FOURTEEN months apart. Big Z was 5 months old when Little Z was created. Guess what kind of shit I got when I was waddling around and planning my kid’s first birthday!

    And you COULD have a good relationship with a MIL. I do. But only because mine knows better than to start crap. She has a crappy relationship with HER mother in law, so she’s trying to avoid it. So it IS possible. Just not always likely.

  23. On March 20th, 2009 at 11:33 am Meghan Says:

    If I have only to move 3000 miles away to fix the MIL/DIL relationship…I’m moving tomorrow;). I also hate the hands full comment too and the “my have you been busy, wink, wink” as mine are all 21 onths apart. I’d love to hit them when they say it. If only I didn’t have Leigha in a sling and was holding onto the boys as they tried to run for it.

  24. On March 20th, 2009 at 11:02 am fidget Says:

    the hands full comment always pisses me off. It’s like they are implying that my kids are total heathens when it’s only occasionally true

  25. On March 20th, 2009 at 11:13 am carlynn Says:

    Just catching up and I see I have missed A LOT. Congratulations! She looks adorable and I hope to see lots more cute baby photos. Glad the cankles have vanished. I almost flew through your city. I was going to wave but now everything’s been cancelled.

  26. On March 20th, 2009 at 1:01 pm Daniel Says:

    my siblings and I are all 12 months apart… I STILL feel sorry for my mom.

    go get a flickr account, then you don’t have to worry about sizing, just copy and paste the link of the size you want.

  27. On March 20th, 2009 at 1:47 pm Coco Says:

    I wish I could say something profound and wise and pithy, but I’m still laughing my ass off over your butt plug and suggestively waggling eyebrows remark.

    You’re so full of awesome.

  28. On March 20th, 2009 at 2:54 pm lady lemon Says:

    Histrionic is totally my favorite personality disorder.

  29. On March 20th, 2009 at 4:19 pm Miss Grace Says:

    In answer to your aside: Yes, that’s EXACTLY how you respond to it. Only maybe mention the cock ring too.

  30. On March 20th, 2009 at 4:31 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    Yes, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is always wierd. As a mother-in-law, you can do nothing right. Anyway, I don’t think you have to worry about it for a few years.

  31. On March 20th, 2009 at 5:20 pm mandy Says:

    mannnnn, I want some pictures!

  32. On March 20th, 2009 at 5:36 pm Betts Says:

    When my daughter used to have tantrums, I’d go hide in the closet until she realized I was missing. She thought I’d left the house and would wander around whimpering and calling me, cpmpletely forgetting her tantrum. When she got far enough away so I wouldn’t give up my hiding place, I would come out and act nonchalant and she’d hurl herself at me, hugging me because she was so happy to see me again.

  33. On March 20th, 2009 at 5:56 pm Io Says:

    The first thing I saw was butt plug.
    I’m pretty sure your son will eventually realize that one relationship is hard enough – three would be hell. At least, that’s what I keep trying to tell my husband.

  34. On March 20th, 2009 at 8:42 pm KathyB! Says:

    I had four kids in four years, and the conversation usually started with, “they aren’t all yours are they?!” and then proceeded to the ever-so-slightly-judgemental, “Wow, you are going to have your hands full!”


  35. On March 20th, 2009 at 8:56 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    This is a really sweet post. Really! You are busy, and you wouldn’t want it any other way, and really, this time, with such a flurry and such varied needs, is a blink in time when we really consider it. My oldest is 11, nearly 12, and it’s stunning me to think how little time I really have left with him under my fold.

    I just hope he one day brings home a decent girl. I swear I’ll be a great MIL, and I won’t talk her freakin’ ear off, ilke my MIL may or may not do to me…


  36. On March 20th, 2009 at 10:02 pm Mrs.LaLa Says:

    Oh joy. I can’t wait until I start showing. I can imagine already the brilliant comments I am going to be getting from people when I am as huge as a whale…hauling around 9 month old TWINS! OH – fun time ahead I tell ya.

  37. On March 20th, 2009 at 11:37 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    what kind of comments are you getting in the store these days? 😉

  38. On March 21st, 2009 at 6:06 am zelzee Says:

    Good luck with that MIL/DIL thing! It can be really really bad………..

    Just enjoy your children every day…..I know there are days that you think will never end, but just savor each moment.
    My children were more fun with every year! Even the teen years were wonderful. I absolutely loved it!

    Too soon, they’re grown and gone…………..

    and it’s too quiet.

  39. On March 21st, 2009 at 10:31 am sara Says:

    I hate the comment…”you’ve been busy.” It’s like no sh-t sherlock! And I agree with you…what the heck is that supposed to mean? You should wear a t shirt that says…yes I have my hands so full that I can’t deal with idiots and their comments. Hope you’re having a good week ((hugs))

  40. On March 22nd, 2009 at 2:31 am Sarah Says:

    Becky-isms… The Musical? That would kick ass, you’d make mad cash, and just *think* of the butt-plug scene!!

  41. On March 22nd, 2009 at 8:43 am charmedgirl Says:

    i tremble at the memory of taking the kids for a walk in the friggin limo of a trip stroller with a huge belly. the stares and comments…omg. why are people such stupid idiots?

    as far as the polygamy…i probaby wish on a daliy basis that i could have another wife around. unless she was fertile, cause, well, then she would beat me in the eyes of said husband…not to mention adding to the children. on second thought, i should just wish for the money for a mother’s helper.

  42. On March 22nd, 2009 at 10:17 am mumma boo Says:

    Alex is just being two. I know of where I speak as Cenzo is deep in the throes of it, while adding on a bit of the Troublesome Three’s to Come, just for fun. And lets get Ben and Cheeks into a sass contest. Maybe then they’d see just how tiring it can get listening to it. Ha. My favorite in-store comment came the other day as I was shopping with Cenzo. The grocery cart was quite full as I try to do it only twice a month, and with the 2for1 sales going on, I was stocking up. Some lady came up and asked me how many other kids I had at home because, seriously, we were going to eat all that? I just had to laugh – mainly because I was too shocked to get a snide comment out. People are weird.

  43. On March 22nd, 2009 at 2:08 pm kalakly Says:

    I’ve NEVER met my MIL…and we still don’t talk.How’s that for weird. Married 14 years and wouldn’t know her if she showed up on my doorstep.

    Butt plug….hehe

  44. On March 23rd, 2009 at 2:36 am Emily Says:

    Hate the hands full / you’ve been busy comments. And the way people look at me like I am the Octomom when I am out and about with my double stroller and the baby bjorn. People are dumb, and more than likely don’t mean anything by their comments, but it does totally get old.

  45. On March 23rd, 2009 at 11:20 am Minnie Says:

    I never could quite figure out what the fuck people have wrong with them? Moreover, if that is, in fact what they think, so be it, but what filter is broken to allow them to say it outloud?

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...