Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

We Don’t Even Charge Admission To The Freak Show


Aunt Becky: “Dude, I’m STARVING. I can’t wait to finish buying this car* so we can eeeaaaattt.” (rubs stomach dramatically for effect)

Daver: “Me too.”

Aunt Becky (jokingly): “Are you saying I’m fat?”

Daver (rolls eyes, voice dripping with sarcasm) “Yes. You’re a damn beached whale.”

Aunt Becky (laughs): “Ass.”

Car salesman eyeball go back and forth and eventually become as wide as dinner plates.

Car Salesman: “So, heh-heh, how long have you been married?”

Aunt Becky begins to count on fingers as The Daver looks on, amused.

Aunt Becky: “Uhhhh….”

The Daver: “I can’t believe you don’t remember our anniversary.” (sniffs loudly for effect) “Three and a half years. We’ve been married three and a half years.”

Aunt Becky: “No shit?”

Daver: “No shit.”

Aunt Becky: “It seems like a freaking eternity.”

Daver: “You’d better mean that in a good way…”

Aunt Becky: “Uh, heh-heh, of course, dear.”

Car Salesman looks acutely uncomfortable and makes up an excuse to get up and walk away.

Daver: “We scare people.”

Aunt Becky: “Hehe.”

*Didya like how I tried to NOT tell you that I bought a mini-van after we’d spent the weekend packing the kids into the car like sardines? As my best friend said, the old Becky would be mocking how suburban I’ve become. Just need that pesky pill addiction, right?

40 Comments to

“We Don’t Even Charge Admission To The Freak Show”

  1. On March 26th, 2009 at 12:11 pm kbrients Says:

    yeah… but you NEED a min-van with three kids…

  2. On March 26th, 2009 at 1:14 pm Badass Geek Says:

    If you’re looking for something to get addicted to, I know a guy who know’s a guy who’s related to someone in Chicago that can hook you up.

  3. On March 26th, 2009 at 12:16 pm Daniel Says:

    i scare a lot of people, and i don’t even have to talk to them 🙁 hehe

  4. On March 26th, 2009 at 12:21 pm kate Says:

    you have the ability to make a car salesman GO AWAY? holy hell. bottle it and sell it.

  5. On March 26th, 2009 at 12:22 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    heh..Aunt Becky, this is why I heart you!!!
    and don’t worry, you will soon not care what the old Becky says about the mini van as soon as you go on a long trip w/ 3 kids in it..OMG to not have anyone poking each other…pure bliss

  6. On March 26th, 2009 at 12:35 pm Kendra Says:

    I know, but I love the minivan. Not for the in-car DVD player (don’t have it) or for the surf boards or the playing Jenga in the backseat or whatever else the commercials seem to think I’m planning to do in my car. But just for the joy of not actually squashing anyone as I cram myself, my husband, 3 kids, and sometimes the father-in-law in the car. I would be a much angrier person with our old car, I assure you.

  7. On March 26th, 2009 at 12:37 pm Nity Says:

    This exchange cracks me up. Love it.

  8. On March 26th, 2009 at 12:47 pm stacey Says:

    Did they give you a discount hoping to get the crazy people out of their store? Because we’re going to need to go car shopping soon and acting freaky gets some money off we’re all over it.

  9. On March 26th, 2009 at 1:48 pm Heather R. Says:

    MDMA is the pill popping choice of suburban moms everywhere.

  10. On March 26th, 2009 at 12:54 pm Catizhere Says:

    We chased away a salesteenager at Best Buy. We’re looking at tv’s. Kid was extolling the virtues of the all-in-one remote (like who *doesn’t* have a universal remote right?) Joe tells him,”We don’t need the remote. The day that I’m too friggin’ lazy to tell my wife to get up & change the g-damned channel, I’ll get a fancy-schmancy remote like that one.” The kid just looked at me & said, “I’ll let you guys have a bit more time to make your decision. ” and walked away. The manager came over a few moments later to complete the sale.

  11. On March 26th, 2009 at 12:59 pm kalakly Says:

    You need the fake boobs to complete the picture. Oh wait, that’s where I live.

  12. On March 26th, 2009 at 1:01 pm deb Says:

    Why you dissin sardines like that Bex?! That’s messed up.

  13. On March 26th, 2009 at 1:13 pm swirl girl Says:

    I’ll pretend I don’t know you when I see the mini van at the drive thru.

  14. On March 26th, 2009 at 2:19 pm Mrslala Says:


    Ah, the minivan.

    I’ve been tip-toeing around the fact that we are going to have to purchase one of those within the next 7 months or so ourselves. ::sigh::

  15. On March 26th, 2009 at 1:28 pm giggleblue Says:

    fuck all that. you brought a mini-van. oh, god. in like three more posts you are going to be talking about how you got some of those god-awful little stick figure family member stickers stuck to the back of that bitch.

    you are selling out.

  16. On March 26th, 2009 at 1:59 pm Io Says:

    Count me impressed that you can scare a car salesman away!

  17. On March 26th, 2009 at 2:35 pm a Says:

    From what I’ve seen on A&E and 20/20, meth is a good alternative to the pill addiction – and you lose weight and have more time for child related crafts and activities (you know, since you don’t have to bother with the annoying sleep thing). Just remember to keep brushing your teeth, though. And, now that you have the huge ride, you can also set yourself up a mobile lab, so as not to incinerate the children when it all blows up. It’s a bonus all around!

    That salesman will be looking for another job if that’s all it took to put him off!

  18. On March 26th, 2009 at 2:38 pm Betts Says:

    Can you scare away telemarketers and door-to-door salemen too? If so, I’d like to hire you.

  19. On March 26th, 2009 at 2:49 pm Kristine Says:

    I’m totally flying you down here the next time I need to buy a car. I need those skills that make a salesman walk away. You can either teach me or just accompany me – I think the latter would be more effective.

  20. On March 26th, 2009 at 3:34 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    I’m sure you got a great deal on the minivan – I drove one for years, drove it into the ground. Then my son resurected it and drove it a few more years. I hope you got the DVD player option, too!

  21. On March 26th, 2009 at 3:36 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Now you just have to open the windows and blast some Kenny G or other embarassing music as you drive around town.

  22. On March 26th, 2009 at 4:46 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I hope you used that conversation as an excellent bargaining technique!

    p.s. – You TOTALLY need a minivan! Once you go minivan, you never go back. Sadly.



  23. On March 26th, 2009 at 6:00 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Welcome to the dark side. We have cookies (that will inevitably get crushed into your van’s carpet).

  24. On March 26th, 2009 at 5:13 pm mumma boo Says:

    So, did you get to eat after you scared the salesman off? And did you eat in the brand new car?!?! Nothing christens a new car like spilled french fries. Heh.

  25. On March 26th, 2009 at 5:40 pm zelzee Says:

    Are you kidding? Minivan moms scare the hell out of me!

    Those badass women are serious about getting their kids to practices on time…..get outta their way!

    Welcome to their world………….I will be the one pulling over on the side of the road to let you pass!

  26. On March 26th, 2009 at 9:31 pm Miss Grace Says:

    Minivans are awesome.

  27. On March 26th, 2009 at 11:23 pm Lola Says:

    Well, it is a sad fact that you will be madly in love with the damn thing in no time. All of my baby factory friends just love theirs 😉 Is it at least black with leather seats and tinted windows?

    Do they even make black mini vans? Holy shit, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a black one.

    I gotta Google this right now…

  28. On March 26th, 2009 at 10:42 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    but did it help you get a lower price??? 😉

  29. On March 27th, 2009 at 5:52 am SCY Says:

    *LOL* you crack me up lady…

  30. On March 27th, 2009 at 6:12 am Anjali Says:

    You were in denial about getting a minivan even longer than I was. I’m impressed!

    Enjoy driving a whale!

  31. On March 27th, 2009 at 6:30 am Jenn Says:

    I’m jealous. We’ve been looking for a new minivan but cannot decide which one to get. Very frustrating!

  32. On March 27th, 2009 at 7:57 am Miranda Says:

    This is hilarious! It sounds just like me and my husband having a conversation. I can never remember how long we’ve been married but yep, it feels like an eternity at times. LOL I remember my post about buying a mini-van.. but man, they’re so comfortable and easy to get the kids into.

  33. On March 27th, 2009 at 9:30 am michelle Says:

    Yeah. minivan. Just tell me it isn’t yellow. Like the short bus.

    Now sprinkle it with cherrios, ground in some graham crackers and hide a dirty diaper under the 3rd row seat and that sucker is all broken in!

  34. On March 27th, 2009 at 9:36 am Lainey-Paney Says:

    It’s all good.
    Hubby & I scare others with our antics as well.
    Of course….I am lacking the mini-van & pill addiction…but a gal can dream, right?

  35. On March 27th, 2009 at 10:24 am Don Mills Diva Says:

    I so get this – I’m working on the pill addiction right now in fact.

  36. On March 27th, 2009 at 10:27 am amy Says:

    Congrats on the Loser Cruiser! I, myself, WILL NEVER get behind the wheel of a mini van….I want you to remind me that I said that after I have child #2 and Possibly child #3 and try to fit them all in a Dodge Stratus!

  37. On March 27th, 2009 at 11:18 am Chris Says:

    With 4 kids, we don’t fit into ANYTHING besides a minivan…..believe me, I’ve tried. We’re currently shopping for a new Honda Odyssey.

    FYI……As soon as my 4th (and final) child was born, I immediately Googled “stick figure families” so I could get one of those AWESOME stickers.

    Now nothing says LOSER like one of those “My kid was on the honor roll for 5 seconds at Dipshit High”. I wonder how many of those kids end up pumping gas for 35 years AFTER high school?????

  38. On March 28th, 2009 at 10:40 am Stefanie Says:

    Well, I have the minivan AND the pill addiction. I win.

  39. On March 28th, 2009 at 10:26 pm Purva Brown Says:

    Hahahaha… good for you guys! We might try something like this when we buy another car. I HATE buying cars. This might make it fun!

  40. On July 24th, 2010 at 11:30 pm Surfing Solutions Says:

    This is very funny, had me in stitches, thanks Beck’s

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