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Free To Good Home: One Uterus (slightly used)


I always told The Daver that I wanted a couple of things in life: a monkey butler (proboscis preferred, because obviously but I’d consider a bonobo), unlimited fantasies about Britney Spears’s boobs, and three kids. While I’ve gotten the latter two, after that whole “monkey that ate that woman’s face thing,” I’m thinking the monkey butler is probably out. Unless I can dress him in a Richard Nixon mask and convince Dave that the former president is my butler.

Which could happen. Theoretically. He’s not home much (Dave, not Richard Nixon).

Dave, on the other hand, wanted unlimited access to Gummi Savers, a coffee cup with World’s Best Boss on the side in large letters, and a ridiculously expensive pillow. Notice that there’s no mention of crotch parasites anywhere here. We already had one kid and he wasn’t really all that wowed with the idea of having more.

Don’t get me wrong: I didn’t poke holes in condoms or “forget on purpose” my pills or anything quite so backhanded and sinister (probably because I am not smart enough to do this), but I was the one who pushed to have another.

And later another.

The idea was not to just “get busy” so that I could spend the rest of my days with my “hands full,” but to get ‘er over with so that we could be done having babies early, since we’d gotten a somewhat early start (21 and 23, not 14 or 15). That way, we told ourselves, we could spend our 40’s and 50’s enjoying the relative freedoms we missed out on in lieu of dirty diapers and spit-up stains and all nighters of a completely different ilk.

And here we are.


Free at last.

Now, I make a shitty-ass pregnant person, I’ve never lied about that. I feel like shit, I look like shit, and overall, I just can’t wait to be done gestating. Between that and worrying about additional neural tube defects in subsequent pregnancies (I have been on Folic Acid since Jesus walked on Earth), I’m pretty relieved to be done. But mixed with my sense of relief is a sort-of sense of sadness.

It’s not that I actually WANT more children–I don’t–it’s just that I’m now saying goodbye to a certain chapter in my life, never to go back again. The next time I rub my stomach in public will only be to convince the burrito to go DOWN NOW. And the next time I feel a phantom kick it will only be a burbling fart bubble.

But it’s clear I have issues with saying goodbye to pretty much any and everything. If a restaurant I’ve been to closes its’ doors, I get sort of nostalgic for it WHETHER OR NOT I’ve frequented it. I still occasionally miss nursing school (okay, that is a complete lie). Well, okay, I miss going to school.

I’m sure that from now on when my friends begin to have kids, I’ll always feel the slight tinge of jealousy and nostalgia for those early and exciting times.

And after I’ll inevitably mention this to The Daver, because I am both stupid and lack an internal filter I am certain that he will react by punching himself in the nuts until he’s sure that they’re no longer functional.

Oh well.

I’ll always have my love of Britney’s boobs to keep me warm at night.

posted under The Sausage Factory
33 Comments to

“Free To Good Home: One Uterus (slightly used)”

  1. On March 24th, 2009 at 11:40 am Maria Says:

    When someone on Twitter posted about being pregnant last night I got all sad for a second. I miss all that expectation and even though MJ is only 4 months old I already miss Tiny Baby.


    It’s so ridiculously hugely irrational. And yet here I am woobling and sniffling.

  2. On March 24th, 2009 at 11:55 am Ms. Moon Says:

    Try going through menopause when you are an admitted womb-centered woman. Yes. Four was enough. And I am glad they’re grown.
    But I still have pregnancy dreams.
    It never ends.

  3. On March 24th, 2009 at 12:04 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Britney’s boobs keep many people warm at night, I’m sure.

  4. On March 24th, 2009 at 11:39 am tina Says:

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. We’re done but I’ll always have nostalgic moments, despite what a horrible pregnancy I had.

  5. On March 24th, 2009 at 11:42 am Jenn Says:

    I feel the same way about saying ‘goodbye’ to things. I don’t really want anymore kids (though we haven’t completely ruled it out I guess) but I get that whole jealousy twitch going on every once in awhile when it seems like everyone around me is having another baby.
    And I always wanted a monkey too. Though not as a butler. Just to be my best friend. ๐Ÿ™‚
    But I have never (not even once, I swear!) fantasized about Britney’s boobs. Well, until now.

  6. On March 24th, 2009 at 11:53 am Coco Says:

    Now I want a Monkey Butler. Only I want mine to be a wee Pygmy Marmoset Butler, not a large Face-Eating Rampaging Chimp Butler.

    I guess that means I can only expect very small martinis, but my face should stay safe.

    Also, even though I spend most days swearing to my husband that if he even brings up the subject of another child (as I’m chasing after Hurricane Bean) I will shred him to bits, there are moments I look at tiny babies and sigh longingly.

    Then I have to rescue the cat from a golf club bashing, and I’m over it.

    Good luck with Britney’s boobies. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. On March 24th, 2009 at 12:56 pm Meghan Says:

    I too am in the same boat…but then I have always wanted 4???

  8. On March 24th, 2009 at 12:57 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    For us it’s all about babies… we aren’t sure we want another kid, but another baby? HOOK US UP!

  9. On March 24th, 2009 at 12:05 pm Cassie Says:

    We aren’t done yet, but I know what you mean. Every since Jackson was about 2 months old I have had this intense urge to have more, especially when I see other people’s babies. And then I would think…what is wrong with me? I barely know how to take care of this kid. Plus I probably need to space them out before I end up with 6 kids or something.

  10. On March 24th, 2009 at 12:26 pm heather Says:

    I sometimes wonder if my husband and I made the right decision not to have any children together. My daughter is 15 and I know it’s crazy for me to even consider another one at this point, but I do think about it more frequently the closer she gets to being an adult. Was it a mistake not to have them 10 years ago, when we first got together? Or even 5 years ago, when the age gap would’ve been smaller? MJ says no, he’s fine with things the way they are, and considering my mental state 10 years ago, he doesn’t think I could have handled it emotionally, with all the worry that comes with being pregnant, or if anything bad had happened. Thoeretically, I know he’s right, and I know not having more children was a CHOICE I MADE, but I still have regrets about it sometimes.

  11. On March 24th, 2009 at 12:35 pm kalakly Says:

    sighs….my ending comes with such mixed up emotions and mindfuckedness after all we went through, that even though I know I will always miss the shiny happy pg girl who once was me, I also know my mental sanity was never more precariously perched than it wan when I was pg with the leprechaun. And not having totally fallen off the perch, that was never how I saw myself surrendering my fertility.
    Now I need a drink.

    P.S. No matter how many drinks I have I will NEVER fantasize about B.S.’s boobs. Does that make me weird?

  12. On March 24th, 2009 at 1:11 pm kbrients Says:

    Oh I know how you feel… though I do feel that twinge when I see little babies… I love to be able to flee when those little babies start screamin or messin’

    Moving on is fun thing. Enjoy your kids and the fact that you no longer have to pee on sticks or in cups.

  13. On March 24th, 2009 at 1:42 pm Mantra Says:

    So funny , as always…

    I know what you mean, my last baby was nine years ago and I always miss my uterine days. Sigh.

    Now I just push my oldest to start having sex early so she can ‘accidently’ get pregnant for me… (but, really… not)

  14. On March 24th, 2009 at 2:52 pm giggleblue Says:

    or, you could always get one of those reborn dolls. just don’t tell anyone…

  15. On March 24th, 2009 at 3:27 pm Chris Says:

    Well said. If someone told me tomorrow that I could have another child, I’d laugh and say “THANKS BUT NO.” Four is a nice, round number for us. However, I still think I’m entitled to be nostalgic (despite what some people might think). It seems like just last week that my husband and I were having “the big talk” about starting a family. In the blink of an eye, it’s 10 years later and we have 4 healthy, growing children. And while I’m thrilled to be done with the infant car seat (that damn thing is too heavy), I miss the itty bitty baby that was cradled in it. I’m ecstatic that there’s only one child left in diapers (hopefully we’ll be done with that this summer), I’ll miss the powdery smell and the swishy sound of a new diaper on a baby’s bottom. I’m OVER THE MOON at the idea that I’ll never get up for a midnight feeding, but I can just as easily get teary knowing that I’ll never again curl up in bed with a newborn and listen to the noisy slurping at my breast.

    I think we moms just need a little time to grieve the end of that era. Pull out one of baby’s tiniest sleepers and take a deep sniff…I bet it still smells a bit like an infant. Have a good cry. A deep, sobbing, ugly-face cry. Then stop and rejoice at the fact that your oldest can shower himself, your second one can wipe his own butt, your third one can dress herself with very little help, and your fourth one is thisclose to being 100% done with the stroller. Life is good. A little too quick sometimes….but good.

  16. On March 24th, 2009 at 4:32 pm Fancy Says:

    One was always more than enough for me. There are enough fertile females in my family that there’s always a baby to love and hug and hand back to the mother so I can go home and drink.

  17. On March 24th, 2009 at 4:41 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    If writing about this subject didn’t make me cry so much, I would go on and on about how I would populate a tiny village with my offspring, but I have a feeling, though the words haven’t been said, that this part o fmy life may be over, but, eh, um, the crying. So I have to stop typing now…

  18. On March 24th, 2009 at 5:04 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    Thanks for the offer, but your uterus probably still gets periods every month (or it will when Amelia decreases the constant nursing – and do not count on the lack of periods as proof of non-ovulation), mine doesn’t go through that crap.
    I think I’ll keep mine.
    You did the heavy lifting, I’d make the Davver get a vasectomy. Or get an IUD and you can always change your mind, if you still have one left, after 3 children!

  19. On March 24th, 2009 at 5:38 pm Angellee Says:

    I have been reading for a couple of days.. I found myself here after an hour of googeling ‘Does my dog know I am in labor and if he does… why dont I??’ it brought me to you. I laughed until I seriously peed on my couch, seriously but just a little bit. I wasnt going to say anything for fear of being super creepy but I am 39 4/7 weeks pregnant and I am really willing to argue that I make a far shittier pregnant person that you do! I also am not interested in your uterus and because this is my first baby I have no idea why anyone in their right minds could ever want to do this again… I believe you titled it “utter bat shit craziness” ๐Ÿ™‚

  20. On March 24th, 2009 at 5:38 pm Angellee Says:

    I have been reading for a couple of days.. I found myself here after an hour of googeling ‘Does my dog know I am in labor and if he does… why dont I??’ it brought me to you. I laughed until I seriously peed on my couch, seriously but just a little bit. I wasnt going to say anything for fear of being super creepy but I am 39 4/7 weeks pregnant and I am really willing to argue that I make a far shittier pregnant person that you do! I also am not interested in your uterus and because this is my first baby I have no idea why anyone in their right minds could ever want to do this again… I believe you titled it “utter bat shit craziness” ๐Ÿ™‚

  21. On March 24th, 2009 at 5:46 pm deb Says:

    I just don’t see him punching himself in the nuts till they’re no longer functioning. That would be painful. You may however see him standing in front of the microwave cooking bowls of water a little more often though. Or having xrays for recreational purposes. Those should be red flags.

  22. On March 24th, 2009 at 7:02 pm Cara Says:

    My daughter is 17 months, which if we got pregnant today would make them 26 months apart and I always said I didn’t want to have kids less than two years apart. The idea of having a second child is so scary, though. The sleepless nights, the painful boobies, the pregnancy, ugh. But then I see a baby I’m all like “honey, mrrrow!!”

  23. On March 24th, 2009 at 7:53 pm Betts Says:

    I loved being pregnant and would like to do that part again, but I don’t think I’m prepared to raise another child… going back to nursing, dirty diapers and sleepless nights. But I do miss the kicks, and the looks and smiles from people I met on the street.

  24. On March 24th, 2009 at 8:37 pm Heather Says:

    You crack me up! My Daver and I are also wresteling with this monumental chapter closing, in light of our recent kick in the teeth. It’s terribly sad isn’t it? To close the book. Turn the page…whatever. I hated being pregnant too. Every minute of it. But, I’d do it again…and again…and again… Maybe it’s the squirting boob thing… ๐Ÿ™‚ That was always good for a giggle or two!

  25. On March 24th, 2009 at 9:56 pm swirl girl Says:

    this restaurant closed down two years ago.

    After being open for 43 years , slammed for about 3 of those years, it is now fully refurbished and made over and now never serves red sauce, and has no oven or dairy associated with it.

    best darn place i’ve ever been to.

  26. On March 25th, 2009 at 12:48 am Pamela J. Says:

    “Iรขโ‚ฌโ„ขm sure that from now on when my friends begin to have kids, Iรขโ‚ฌโ„ขll always feel the slight tinge of jealousy and nostalgia for those early and exciting times.”

    Oh, if you’re a nut job like me . . . yes, yes, yes.

  27. On March 25th, 2009 at 6:20 am Daddy Files Says:

    My wife is an absolute nut when it comes to this particular subject. One day she’s done with having kids. She wants her tubes tied, she wants my baby batter to be non-functional and she swears off kids forever.

    Five minutes later she sees a baby and she wants another one. And if I point out the 180-degree change of heart, she just dismisses me like I’M the one who’s crazy.

    Women…can’t live with them and they can’t pee standing up.

  28. On March 25th, 2009 at 8:17 am charmedgirl Says:

    wtf is up with the whole drive for reproduction?? (besides the whole biological *that’s the reason we live* shit.) i mean, shouldn’t our mental liberation free us from such bullshit? it’s so weird. it’s so fleshy and reflexive. it freaks me out.

    and, ummm, yeah…….boobies…….mmmmmmmmmmmmm…….

  29. On March 25th, 2009 at 9:13 am Kristine Says:

    We have a plan for 2…we don’t even have 2 yet, and I’m already thinking maybe 3 would be more fun…

  30. On March 25th, 2009 at 9:54 am Melissa Says:

    I hear you about the whole saying goodbye thing. I mourned heartily when I realized that my (now almost fourteen!) son was going to be a singleton due to my lack of both a fabulous daddy-type with which to procreate and my Betraying Asshole Uterus. There was weeping and tooth gnashing and “why me”s aplenty. Then one day I woke up and I was OK with it.

    My responsible friends are having babies now. I hug ’em and sniff ’em and love on ’em, send them home and go out for drinks. And I relish the fact that if I do overindulge, my kid is old enough to make himself breakfast and not bug me until I’m ready to face the bright and painful morning. ๐Ÿ™‚

  31. On March 25th, 2009 at 11:37 am lady lemon Says:

    Bonobos – those dirty, oral sexgiving primates. Love it.

    God, I am already pretty much nutters now. I cannot even begin to imagine what I’ll be like with babies.

  32. On March 25th, 2009 at 6:45 pm Lola Says:

    Yeah, I’m not like that at all. I can admire a baby, snuggle all over their cute little selves and enjoy every second, but my gut reaction is more like, Thank GAWD that part is over!!!!!

    Puppies, now that’s a whole other story. Can’t see one of them without feeling all warm and fuzzy and wanting one immediately.

  33. On March 26th, 2009 at 10:43 am mumma boo Says:

    I completely understand how you feel. This factory shut down 3 minutes after Cenzo arrived. I don’t regret it, but I do still have those twinges every once in awhile. Thankfully, my good friend A has a 5 month old who satisfies my cheek-noshing cravings, when I’m not trying to smooch the photos of your sweet ickle Amelia, that is. ๐Ÿ™‚

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