So, I am now munching on my foot (tastes great with ketchup!) as I realize just how bad PMS must be for some people, and I am staunchly apologizing for not being more sympathetic (don’t expect monthly roses, though).

Normally when I get my period I barely notice it until it’s soiled some pants, but shit, now that I had a chemical pregnancy that has left me more clinically insane than Courtney Love on a drug binge, I have a ton more respect for hormones.

(as an aside, every time I hear the word “hormones” I think of that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding where what’s-her-faces aunt is talking to her future in-laws and says “bibosy”–biopsy–and “hor-mone- eees” for hormones. Cracks me up)

I’m up and down and sad and anxious and generally probably pretty annoying to put up with (I can hear Dave counting down the minutes until he has to go back to work as I type this), so I’ll be back when I feel more righted and less manic-depressive.

*Shit*

*In something completely unrelated, I’m going to update all of my sweet readers who were so kind and supportive during my whiny post about pregnancy tests. I went to the doctor yesterday and got some labs drawn, and it was confirmed: I had an early miscarriage. I’m really okay with it, just, as I was before, a touch blue. Thank you for everyone who commented and expressed your sympathy, although it was completely unnecessary, it was nice to hear. I love you guys (man, I’m gushy today. EW.)*

For the first time in almost two years, I am finally at peace with my decision to stay home and not go out and work. When I first stayed home, it was not so much by choice as by necessity. I was so sick with Alex, barfing my brains out all night long that I couldn’t drive to work without the very real possibility that I would hork in the car (out the window works best, I’ll tell you now) at 45 mph.

After a ridiculously long LOA punctuated by calls from my nasty HR department, I threw in the towel and quit. While it SOUNDS happy on paper here, I’ll tell you that it was very, very stressful for me. We hadn’t budgeted for me leaving work until closer to Alex’s birth, so money was quite an issue.

But now, now things are looking up. I no longer regard the term “housewife” as a dirty word, I’m generally happy and fulfilled most of the time with what I do, and I’ve come to grips with the fact that although *I* may never have a career in my degreed field, that is A-Okay, and doesn’t brand me a Loser (more than I am by nature, of course).

I have a couple of projects in the works for around the house and a super-secret one up my sleeve for myself (and no, it does not involve the phrase Baby #3), and I feel good.

Good enough to start looking for something else to do. Some volunteer work, I’m thinking. We fostered homeless cats for a local organization until Alex was a couple months old, and I suppose that we could go back to doing that, but I’m thinking of something more outside the house as well.

I’ve been searching through volunteer websites for the area, and nothing is really jumping out at me yet, which is where YOU come in, My Sweet Internet. What’s a good very part-time volunteer job that I can do (here’s the annoying stipulation) WITH Alex in tow. I’d like to leave him at home, but you know, he’s still not able to get himself something to eat, and that’s probably considered “child abuse” if I do it.

Any ideas?

(and no, I’m not inspired JUST BECAUSE I WEPT THROUGH ALL OF “IDOL GIVES BACK.” SHUT UP. I AM NOT THAT PATHETIC.)

“Your previous posts were real rubbish, but this is good. This one is brilliant. Your blog is getting really better.”

Gee, THANKS!

I promise I will be back in a couple of hours with a better post (see, lookit the time stamp, IT’S TOO EARLY FOR ME TO POST.), or at least less garbage-like.

Spammers are freaking hilarious.

Me: You know, someday when I die, if I get reincarnated or whatever…

Daver: Yeah?

Me: I want to come back as The Village Idiot.

Daver: It’s good to have such high goals, Becky.

On Sunday, as The Daver and I were strolling happily through Mecca (read: Target) I realized that I couldn’t remember when I had my period last, and decided that I should probably know one way or another what was up (down?) with my uterus. I picked up a pack of generic pregnancy tests and went on my merry way.

Because of my exhaustively documented squirrel-sized bladder, I had to whiz when we got home and figured now was the time to break out the ole pee sticks.

I feel I must clarify several things here before I continue.

First, I have to be pretty religious about making certain that I am or am not with fetus, honestly for medical reasons (I’d explain but you’d probably try to impale yourself with your monitor or keyboard because it’s so mind-numbingly dull. Just know that I need to know the status of my uterus). If I didn’t have to, I’d just as soon not find out right away, because then The Worry will begin and I will become unhappy, obsessive, and probably start to smell bad.

Secondly, just for the people who would click away furiously at the audacity of my fertility, I am not pregnant. It’s a spoiler, for sure, but I think it’s necessary to tell you this ahead of time. Maybe it’s not as dramatic this way, but hey, we do what we can.

Anyway, moving back to the story, now that I’ve filled you in on those delicious details, so here I am, whizzing on a peestick shamefully (I am totally ashamed of taking pregnancy tests. Isn’t that the most juvenile thing you’ve ever heard? YES, I AM 27 YEARS OLD, I HAVE TWO KIDS AND I AM SHAMED BY PREGNANCY TESTS. Pathetic.) and expecting one lone line to show up. And sure enough, that line does show up, and is followed by a second line several minutes later.

I am so shocked that I say nothing to anyone, finishing my planting and puttering uselessly about while I wonder what the hell that means. Eventually, my curiosity gets the better of me, as I happen to have the patience of a toddler and I trundle shamefully back to the bathroom where I comense to piss on yet another stick (grumbling about both the cost and the quality, I must add, because I am one crotchety bitch), where I expect, well, I don’t know.

Eventually those two lines show up again, and I realize that I probably should tell my husband that punching himself in the balls does not an at-home vasectomy equal. Not being the most sentimental bitch on the block, I don’t know what else to do but to place my piss-covered stick, complete with two lines in front of him on the table. He looks at it and then back at me, clearly confused as to what I have put in front of him.

Not knowing what else to say, I tell him “congrats” and tell him that it looks like we might be having another child. We both spend the rest of Sunday night in a daze, a happy daze but a daze nonetheless.

Figuring that I might as well deplete my three pack the following morning before I call all of my doctor’s offices, I pull out my last stick Monday morning and stick it in my pee. And sure enough, that control line pops up. And absolutely nothing else. Ever.

So I think to myself, well, a digital test, you know, the kind you were too damn cheap to shell out for would probably give you a better answer, figuring one out of three tests could be wrong.

Statistically, it was still more likely that I was pregnant, especially considering after years of peeing on sticks shamefully I have never seen a second line (i.e. positive test) unless I was, in fact, with child. And again, it’s fairly important that I know one way or another.

I packed Alex up and headed to Walgreens, where I picked up a digital test and immediately head home to whiz on it. I pretty much hate those digital tests because it always seems so damn smug when “Not Pregnant” pops up (just so you know, every time I put my weight in the box at weight watchers online and it chides me for not losing or having lost too much, I always get the sense that it’s talking smack to me. I am quite certifiable, eh?), and sure enough the blinky “Not Pregnant” pops up and then I do know for sure that I am not, in fact, pregnant.

The period this morning solidified it for me.

I mean it’s not like we’ve been humping for a purpose, honestly I can’t take the stress of that (not the orgasms, the “am I pregnant or is that just gas” obsessing that I do when trying to get pregnant), and we both agreed that we’ll take our chances for a third, should that ever happen (before you rue my fertility, let me tell you that it’s been over a year now and still nothing. Strangely I am okay with that). So we’re not trying and we’re not NOT trying either.

But The Daver and are both feeling well, just a touch blue about it. I mean, if I was pregnant for a nanosecond and miscarried it super early, it’s not like I’m going to grieve over it. If it was anything it was a bunch of cells multiplying badly, and shit, seriously, it’s better that it happened now rather than later. Later I’d be upset, now I’m just a might bit blue.

Who knows, it could have been a bad batch of tests. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell happened, and I probably never will. I’d venture a guess that it was probably a really early miscarriage, but I don’t know. I mean, whatever, right? I’ll call one of my many doctors tomorrow, get a shot in the old butt and move the hell on with my life. All that I can do at this point.

All that I know for sure right is that the grey, rainy day today was the perfect fit for my cranky-assed mood.

After a painful week of weaning Alex off of the juice (no, silly, not THAT kind of juice), it appears that I am finally victorious, because now, his appetite has returned with ridiculous force. The kid has always eaten like a champ without really being one of those hugely fat children often featured on Maury, having received the genetic gift of an awesome metabolism from his father, and food in my house is becoming more of an issue.

Primarily because the kid appears to be giving us a glimpse of life with a teenager. I literally cannot keep up with his eating schedule, and what’s worse is that many of the fuller foods I’d normally try and feed him are completely inedible for someone without teeth.

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with some foods that he is able to eat that will keep him full for more than an hour at a time. You read that right: he’s eating the equivalent of what I eat for a meal every single hour that he’s awake (and I am thankful that it’s not overnight as well, because one of the last things I want to do at 3 AM is to feed my child a bowl of cheerios and milk.). I mean, I guess I could start covering everything he eats with a generous layer of butter and/or Crisco, but somehow with his genetic propensity toward heart disease in general, that seems like a poor decision.

Whole milk would be the obvious choice, but he won’t drink a drop of the stuff without chocolate syrup, and forget the breastmilk, he’s TOTALLY over it. Short of giving him his very own G-tube, I’m pretty much tapped out of high fat/high calorie foods that he’ll eat. Mainly because he’s EATEN IT ALL ALREADY.

While I am pleased that this is a food issue of a completely different color, and he’s eating more than a couple of dust bunnies and toenail clippings each day, I’m just trying to figure out how on Earth to leave the house without causing a fit when his blood sugar drops. Every hour. On the hour.

I guess it’s just time to pray to the God of Teeth that he suddenly pops a few out. I mean, shit, he’s old enough for ’em.

Finally, FINALLY after many years months of winter (you know, every single winter, towards the end, I wonder what the hell we’re thinking living here. Winters are long and frigid, summers are sweltering and unbearable) we had our first nice weekend since the fall. It was funny, all of my neighbors trickled outside while I was out front with the kids, we all looked a bit doughy and larva-like, squinting in the sun, and we very nearly assembled a block party to celebrate the oncoming spring (FINALLY).

And I was able to realize a 2 year old dream: I was finally able to get down -n- durrty in the garden.

It’s shocking to most people that I know, and I imagine the Internet drawing in a collective breath when I inform you that I am an avid (but novice) gardener and that I don’t just pay someone else to do it for me (much, MUCH more my MO for stuff that involves work and stuff) AND that I don’t burst into flames when presented with direct sunlight.

Apparently, this love of gardening runs in my family. My grandfather had his own greenhouse, I spent most of my spring, summer and fall as a child at the local botanical gardens (Aptly called The Chicago Botanical Gardens), my mother has always tended and grown nice gardens, and there is very little that makes me feel more alive than walking into the warm, wet humidity of a greenhouse. If I could bottle that smell up and wear it (much to Dave’s dismay) I would do it in a second.

The past two years have not afforded me much gardening time, first I was hugely pregnant last spring THEN I gave birth to what my father calls “Devil Boy” who is not only an albino (not really) but was a complete dick head last summer so that I couldn’t get out and do my thang. Sure, some of my (pathetic) bulbs from the previous year did come up, but I spent almost no time weeding or playing them Brahms urging them to grow as I normally would.

Although I have a knack for it (and not a black thumb like The Daver), I am still puzzling certain things.

Mainly, do I buy bulbs in bulk (I’m planning a cala lilly/rose garden) from the hardware store OR do I shell out more cash and buy cala lilly bulbs from The Internet (which not only costs a bit more, but denies me the instant gratification of going and buying them right away)? Or is it just a scam for eager novices such as myself?

What do I need to know about standard roses? Partial sun? Fertilizer? I’m not planning to cross breed them or anything truly interesting (I need my own greenhouse before I can do this), I just want one to three rose bushes to intermix with the cala lilies (I’ve completely given up on the annual thing for anything but the many, many hanging baskets I will eventually have).

Any advice? I’ve tried to read up on it on my own, and have gotten absolutely nowhere. Apparently, the books and articles are written in a language I can’t possibly understand (maybe it’s ENGLISH).

——————

(P.S. Ross, please put on a diaper)

So, I have a question for all of you, my sweet and faithful readers, because I love you THAAAT much (imagine me stretching out my arms very, very widely).

Part of the reason for my new iMac, is because I had previously messed up my lappy, an iBook G4 from 2005. And I loved that lappy ALMOST as much as I love The Internet. BUT, the screen on it is broken and I am too lazy to fix it (actually, The Daver bought me a new screen for the wrong size iBook).

It’s an expensive fix for a lappy that cost a little over a grand three years ago, and I no longer trust myself WITH a lappy (delicate is not my middle name), but if one was inclined, you could hook a monitor up to it OR fix it (The Daver tells me).

Anyone actually want the thing? I’d eBay it, but I’m a) lazy as hell (previously well documented) and b) I’d be afraid that someone would buy it and sue me or something b/c the screen is broken. I am very, very afraid of selling stuff on eBay.

The laptop has been sitting under my couch for ages, and I would really like someone to use it (if they want). If you want it, drop me a comment. BUT DON’T SUE ME BECAUSE THE SCREEN IS BROKEN OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Or help me figure out WHAT to do with it, please!?!

See how much I love you all? I’m sure I could get AT LEAST $30 from eBay 😉

And hell, if no one else wants it, maybe I’ll put it up on FreeCycle.

Anyone, anyone? Going once, going twice…

(This post will remain at the top until Sunday. I want to pay tribute to all of the goodness and kindness that we started, and I want to honor these babies to the best of my ability. Oh, and I’m sorry that the formatting keeps going wonky. I don’t get it.)

——————

I am shocked, seriously shocked by the overwhelming love and support that my post spawned.

I suppose I never expected the reaches of it would be so wide spread, and I am honored that Alex’s first birthday was able to generate such kind deeds and love for other people.

To be honest, I’ve always believed in the overall goodness of human nature (and no, last I checked neither sunshine nor rainbows have been falling out of ANY of my orifices now or ever, nor do I sit around singing “Come on people now, smile on your brother…” unless I am mocking someone or something. And YES, my parents ARE hippies. So what?).

I think that people often want to do the right thing, even if they’re unable to do it in the right way, and sometimes a gentle nudging swift kick in the ass is all that people need to make things right-er (I KNOW it’s not a word. Never said I was a cunning linguist. Hehehe).

But what has happened with my plea for good deeds in the name of all of my angel babies who were at Alex’s party only in spirit (and they were. I swear to you. Now I sound like a kook. Shit.), has overwhelmed even me.

Seriously, I want to thank each and every person who has stepped up and performed acts of kindness from the bottom of my ickle heart.

I’d hug you all personally if I was able and buy you each a big fat drink and tell you how much this has meant not only to me, but to the parents of all of the children we paid tribute to.

And I am informing each of you that this is going to be a tradition over here at Casa de la Sausage, that for each and every holiday I celebrate (which does not include Arbor day, Flag day OR Bastille Day–the day before my own birthday) my blog will again be paying tribute to all of my angel nieces and nephews with more pleas for acts of kindness and love.

It’s the least that we can each do (I never said you had to give cold hard cash) for all of the families out there who are missing one each and every day that they live. I know that the holidays are filled with sadness and longing, and the absence of their physical children is amplified by the what-could-have-been’s. If we can lighten this load even in the slightest way, we can and we will. So get your thinking caps on, May is up next.

This is who we did our deeds for:

Caleb

Baby JP

Kalila

William

Isabel Grace

Maddy

William Henry

Aodin

Callum

Sarah

Connor

Liam

Samuel

Caden

Masyn

Olive Lucy

I am completely aware that this is by no means an exhaustive list (far, far, from it), and I will be adding to this as I learn the names of more children. Please, please, leave me a comment if you would like your child added here. I will only do it with express permission from Mommy or Daddy.

But we pay tribute to the lives of my angel nieces and nephews today and every day, never to forget a single name off this list, because this is the good and right thing to do. Go visit these parents and learn all about their children and the lives that they touched.

There are some truly amazing people out there. We send light, love, peace and happiness to each and every one of you, my sweet babies, and to your brave and amazing families. Smootches from your Aunt Becky, her Alex, her Benny and her The Daver.

We love you very much, my sweet baby angels.

We also send cake:

Alex left PLENTY to share.

And now comes the time that I wanted to share with you all of the amazing things that people have done:

Kyddryn made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Ames made a donation to March of Dimes (she’s the one who is walking for her daughter Gracie. She’s accepting donations for her team until April 19) AND Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Amy (William Henry’s Mommy) made a donation to M.O.M project and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, AND did the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard of. I’m getting tearful just THINKING about it. Go see what she did, and tell her how amazing she is.

Judy is making a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Jenn (Sarah’s Mommy) made donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, AND started a Love Train of her own. Go see her and tell her how awesome she is.).

Baseball Mom made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

The Rambling Housewife made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Heather (also, Aodin’s Mommy) made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Tash (Maddy’s Mommy) is going to make sure local hospitals and NICU’s know about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Kristen (Kalila’s Mommy) made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

B made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep AND March of Dimes.

Kbreints made a donation to March of Dimes.

Ms. Prufrock is making a donation to March of Dimes.

Andria made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

The Daver (a.k.a. “Mr. Aunt Becky”) has been donating computing power to AIDS research and protein folding.

Sarah Ross (Isabel Grace’s Mommy) made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep as well as March of Dimes.

Go see what Hope has done. It’s too sweet for words.

Carylnn is making a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

And see here! Someone I DON’T EVEN KNOW is perpetuating this kindness.

B1G1 has made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Anjali has made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

(If I have made an error in any of these, or have neglected to mention you specifically, drop me a comment OR email me at becky (at) dwink (dot) net.I am often glaringly stupid, but in this case, since it involves people outside of my head, I don’t want to fuck it up.)

And wow, that’s a huge list, people. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You guys are all amazing to me, and I’m proud as hell to have met you through the Internet.I will hold a drawing and pick out a couple people to send rockin’ prizes to (i.e. autographed pictures of Aunt Becky. Like this one.)

(obviously, I hadn’t had time to cake on the eyeliner, but hey in my defense, it was early. And no, surprisingly no one had stuck a finger up my butt right before this picture was taken. I’m just that cheerful looking ALL of the time. My husband is one lucky man.).

“May the good Lord, shine a light on you,Make every song you sing, your favorite tune.”

———-

I miss you, Steph, and I wish you were here with me. I know that you’d be proud of us. Take care of my darling baby angels, okay? Tell them that I will bring candy and presents when I come up with you guys. I’ll be missing you.

Aunt Becky got a BRAND new toy.

Apparently, she was a very, very good girl.

Well, that or The Daver wanted a new toy to play with. TOO BAD HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO PRY MY COLD DEAD HAND OFF OF IT FIRST! Muahahahahaha!

Wanna see? Sorry, y’all. You’re going to see anyway.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to dry hump an MY iMac. Oh, how I missed my Mac…