Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Fat Guy In A Little Coat


After a painful week of weaning Alex off of the juice (no, silly, not THAT kind of juice), it appears that I am finally victorious, because now, his appetite has returned with ridiculous force. The kid has always eaten like a champ without really being one of those hugely fat children often featured on Maury, having received the genetic gift of an awesome metabolism from his father, and food in my house is becoming more of an issue.

Primarily because the kid appears to be giving us a glimpse of life with a teenager. I literally cannot keep up with his eating schedule, and what’s worse is that many of the fuller foods I’d normally try and feed him are completely inedible for someone without teeth.

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with some foods that he is able to eat that will keep him full for more than an hour at a time. You read that right: he’s eating the equivalent of what I eat for a meal every single hour that he’s awake (and I am thankful that it’s not overnight as well, because one of the last things I want to do at 3 AM is to feed my child a bowl of cheerios and milk.). I mean, I guess I could start covering everything he eats with a generous layer of butter and/or Crisco, but somehow with his genetic propensity toward heart disease in general, that seems like a poor decision.

Whole milk would be the obvious choice, but he won’t drink a drop of the stuff without chocolate syrup, and forget the breastmilk, he’s TOTALLY over it. Short of giving him his very own G-tube, I’m pretty much tapped out of high fat/high calorie foods that he’ll eat. Mainly because he’s EATEN IT ALL ALREADY.

While I am pleased that this is a food issue of a completely different color, and he’s eating more than a couple of dust bunnies and toenail clippings each day, I’m just trying to figure out how on Earth to leave the house without causing a fit when his blood sugar drops. Every hour. On the hour.

I guess it’s just time to pray to the God of Teeth that he suddenly pops a few out. I mean, shit, he’s old enough for ’em.

17 Comments to

“Fat Guy In A Little Coat”

  1. On April 8th, 2008 at 1:35 pm Megan Says:

    how about whole milk yogurt or smoothies made with that along with baby cereal, banana, and nut butter of some kind (I recommend SunButter)… might work

  2. On April 8th, 2008 at 2:17 pm KT Says:

    Shredded cheese. Messy, yes, but fun for them. And full of protein. Cottage cheese. My girls LOVE this. Yogurt. Try it. Banana bread. A Banana. Mashed potatoes. Any pasta with a cheesey/fatty sauce. Hmmm…what else? Hummous. Even oatmeal with protein powder?? I never did that but worth a shot. I gave my kids alot of American cheese. Not necessarily the best by way of vitamins, but it was easy for them to gum. Just tear it up into pieces and put it on the tray. Chunks of boiled potatoes or sweet potatoes. I would make a meatloaf and then just rip it apart and put it on their tray in crumbles. Au grautin potatoes. i have a REALLY easy recipe if you want it. Just email me. Scrambled eggs. Scrambled eggs with cheese melted in them. We ATE alot of those back in the day.

  3. On April 8th, 2008 at 2:41 pm Heather Says:

    Sounds like our Beansie. She only had two teeth when she started eating, and I suppose her teeth realized they’d better hurry it up because the food was coming anyway. I’d try him on those foods you think he can’t handle without teeth and see how he does. She uses her back gums to grind food anyway and hasn’t had any choking hazards yet. Beans likes everything, but specifically whole milk (you could use chocolate), cheeses, avocado chunks, bananas, cream of wheat, oatmeal, Morningstar veggie sausage links, whole yogurt, waffles, eggs, etc. She eats whatever we eat now – which is very foreign to me with the original noneater.

    You may want to check with your doc about the peanutbutter, though; we were told no nutbutters at all at her one year appointment and we don’t have any food allergy issues – not sure when she’ll be old enough to have a nip.

  4. On April 8th, 2008 at 1:52 pm Michelle Says:

    What about mac & cheese or some of the sugar free puddings? Gerber also makes those little fruit or vege puffs that dissolve quickly. My daughter really liked those. She also liked rice and plain noodles. (still does!)
    Good luck!

  5. On April 8th, 2008 at 2:01 pm shay Says:

    You are causing me to cast my mind back to the days of the adding of fat/calories to everything son #2 ate. I make things from scratch so if you do it’s easy to add calories. Add and egg to your pancakes/waffles and some healthy oil. Bake your own cookies. Yummy yummy fat.

    The only problem I ran into is that I am NOT in need of the extra calories so…well you get the picture. It gave me some extra junk in the trunk:) Yummy though!

  6. On April 8th, 2008 at 2:01 pm Melissa C Says:

    I second yogurt! (and there is nothing wrong with chocolate milk!) My kids LOVE frozen yog popsicles in the summer too!

    Besides that… you can (coarsely) puree anything you are eating! Whole grain pasta (chopped up) works well(or you can get those tiny little “o” shaped pasta for babies)… ground beef can be fine if it is stirred while it’s cooking so it is small pieces.

    Fish can be mashed, potatoes of course… cauliflour mixed with mashed spuds makes them even healthier…

    We always kept bags or bowls of dry cheerios in the car or in the diaper bag as snacks. Bananas mashed with a fork, or squished between your fingers were adored my my little toothless wonder when he was small…

  7. On April 8th, 2008 at 2:04 pm Rayne of Terror Says:

    What about nut butters (cashew, almond) or tahini mixed into steel cut oatmeal?

  8. On April 8th, 2008 at 3:22 pm KT Says:

    Avocado! Yes. I fed my girls lots of that. I completely forgot. Then we even gave them guacamole when at mexican places. They LOVED and still love it.

  9. On April 8th, 2008 at 2:25 pm paisana Says:

    It’s not fat that keeps him full–it’s a combo of fat and fiber. Try feeding him a little peanut butter.

  10. On April 8th, 2008 at 3:38 pm Ames Says:

    Having a child that is way underweight and in need of fattening up a bit, I have a few ideas I can share that our pediatrician suggested. Try adding carnation instant breakfast (any flavor) to his milk… it will add extra protein (and vitamins) and may help hold him over longer. Also, avocado seems to be a big winner in our house. I have the same issues as you (Gracie only has 4 teeth and isn’t capable of chewing much yet). I also give her pasta w/ alfredo sauce and she is a big fan of scrambled eggs with cheese or grilled cheese with double cheese (I just cut it up in small bite sized pieces and she gums away on it). Hope this helps!

  11. On April 8th, 2008 at 2:54 pm Kristine Says:

    We don’t have this problem…we still can’t get ours to eat for us. Everyone else? Yes. I believe he wants them to think we’re starving him.

    I was told that I could feed him anything pre teeth that you would chew with your molars. That his gums were capable of chewing those things, he just wouldn’t have the biting ability that comes with front teeth. Just in case that broadens your food horizons any.

  12. On April 8th, 2008 at 3:50 pm MsPrufrock Says:

    I’ll second what some others have already said – rice and pasta. P still loves both of them. The kid could eat all the rice in China if given half the chance.

  13. On April 8th, 2008 at 7:00 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    Lovebug – at seven months – discovered the joy of gnawing on pizza crusts. Don’t be too concerned about the no teeth thing, they have tough little gums. I second (third?) the idea of nut butters and yogurt. We also found hummus and whole wheat pita to be hugely filling for Lovebug, back when he used to be ravenous. And Earth’s Best makes a healthy fruit bar that’s easy to chew.

  14. On April 8th, 2008 at 6:38 pm Judy C Says:

    I have seen your future and it is not pretty. They always seem to want “food,” – when you just get home from the grocery store with $200 worth of food and you hear the plaintive “there is nothing to eat!”

    I have seen Son No. 1 and his crew devour a 10 pound roast and all the fixings. And the thing is if you refuse to feed them you get in trouble!

  15. On April 8th, 2008 at 9:31 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    O.K. –I’m glad to hear that these extreme appetites are considered “normal.”

    I’ve got one that eats constantly .. ..

    Seriously . ..ALL.DAY.LONG.

  16. On April 9th, 2008 at 9:42 am b Says:

    Feed that boy! He’s hungry!

  17. On April 9th, 2008 at 10:27 am kbreints Says:

    I will pray to those teeth gods for you too, he is on our nightly list at our house!

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...