Mommy Wants Vodka

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‘Til The Deal Goes Down


On Sunday, as The Daver and I were strolling happily through Mecca (read: Target) I realized that I couldn’t remember when I had my period last, and decided that I should probably know one way or another what was up (down?) with my uterus. I picked up a pack of generic pregnancy tests and went on my merry way.

Because of my exhaustively documented squirrel-sized bladder, I had to whiz when we got home and figured now was the time to break out the ole pee sticks.

I feel I must clarify several things here before I continue.

First, I have to be pretty religious about making certain that I am or am not with fetus, honestly for medical reasons (I’d explain but you’d probably try to impale yourself with your monitor or keyboard because it’s so mind-numbingly dull. Just know that I need to know the status of my uterus). If I didn’t have to, I’d just as soon not find out right away, because then The Worry will begin and I will become unhappy, obsessive, and probably start to smell bad.

Secondly, just for the people who would click away furiously at the audacity of my fertility, I am not pregnant. It’s a spoiler, for sure, but I think it’s necessary to tell you this ahead of time. Maybe it’s not as dramatic this way, but hey, we do what we can.

Anyway, moving back to the story, now that I’ve filled you in on those delicious details, so here I am, whizzing on a peestick shamefully (I am totally ashamed of taking pregnancy tests. Isn’t that the most juvenile thing you’ve ever heard? YES, I AM 27 YEARS OLD, I HAVE TWO KIDS AND I AM SHAMED BY PREGNANCY TESTS. Pathetic.) and expecting one lone line to show up. And sure enough, that line does show up, and is followed by a second line several minutes later.

I am so shocked that I say nothing to anyone, finishing my planting and puttering uselessly about while I wonder what the hell that means. Eventually, my curiosity gets the better of me, as I happen to have the patience of a toddler and I trundle shamefully back to the bathroom where I comense to piss on yet another stick (grumbling about both the cost and the quality, I must add, because I am one crotchety bitch), where I expect, well, I don’t know.

Eventually those two lines show up again, and I realize that I probably should tell my husband that punching himself in the balls does not an at-home vasectomy equal. Not being the most sentimental bitch on the block, I don’t know what else to do but to place my piss-covered stick, complete with two lines in front of him on the table. He looks at it and then back at me, clearly confused as to what I have put in front of him.

Not knowing what else to say, I tell him “congrats” and tell him that it looks like we might be having another child. We both spend the rest of Sunday night in a daze, a happy daze but a daze nonetheless.

Figuring that I might as well deplete my three pack the following morning before I call all of my doctor’s offices, I pull out my last stick Monday morning and stick it in my pee. And sure enough, that control line pops up. And absolutely nothing else. Ever.

So I think to myself, well, a digital test, you know, the kind you were too damn cheap to shell out for would probably give you a better answer, figuring one out of three tests could be wrong.

Statistically, it was still more likely that I was pregnant, especially considering after years of peeing on sticks shamefully I have never seen a second line (i.e. positive test) unless I was, in fact, with child. And again, it’s fairly important that I know one way or another.

I packed Alex up and headed to Walgreens, where I picked up a digital test and immediately head home to whiz on it. I pretty much hate those digital tests because it always seems so damn smug when “Not Pregnant” pops up (just so you know, every time I put my weight in the box at weight watchers online and it chides me for not losing or having lost too much, I always get the sense that it’s talking smack to me. I am quite certifiable, eh?), and sure enough the blinky “Not Pregnant” pops up and then I do know for sure that I am not, in fact, pregnant.

The period this morning solidified it for me.

I mean it’s not like we’ve been humping for a purpose, honestly I can’t take the stress of that (not the orgasms, the “am I pregnant or is that just gas” obsessing that I do when trying to get pregnant), and we both agreed that we’ll take our chances for a third, should that ever happen (before you rue my fertility, let me tell you that it’s been over a year now and still nothing. Strangely I am okay with that). So we’re not trying and we’re not NOT trying either.

But The Daver and are both feeling well, just a touch blue about it. I mean, if I was pregnant for a nanosecond and miscarried it super early, it’s not like I’m going to grieve over it. If it was anything it was a bunch of cells multiplying badly, and shit, seriously, it’s better that it happened now rather than later. Later I’d be upset, now I’m just a might bit blue.

Who knows, it could have been a bad batch of tests. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell happened, and I probably never will. I’d venture a guess that it was probably a really early miscarriage, but I don’t know. I mean, whatever, right? I’ll call one of my many doctors tomorrow, get a shot in the old butt and move the hell on with my life. All that I can do at this point.

All that I know for sure right is that the grey, rainy day today was the perfect fit for my cranky-assed mood.

31 Comments to

“‘Til The Deal Goes Down”

  1. On April 8th, 2008 at 7:55 pm Becky Says:

    Oh, yeah, I went off the old birth control pills when I realized that I’m too stupid to remember to take them every day. I’m a dumbass.

  2. On April 8th, 2008 at 7:50 pm Ashley Says:

    ummmmm, dude? what? what happened to the birth control? i mean your kids are beautiful and more power to you if you guys are aiming for more, but the ashley is confuse-ed…

  3. On April 8th, 2008 at 7:55 pm Heather P. Says:

    Period or not, this would send me into fits! I mean I would have cleaned out the Walgreens of pregnancy tests!
    You know some women do have periods while they are pregnant. I know someone this happened to.

  4. On April 8th, 2008 at 8:56 pm andria Says:

    Well, I’m sorry?

    This happened to me twice. The months before I conceived the boys. I don’t know what it was, but just that it was frustrating and weird.

  5. On April 8th, 2008 at 10:26 pm Heather Says:

    Cranky-ass abounds, apparently – though you do have more of a reason than I. I have an IUD and freak out every month anyway as I can *never* find that damn “string” (you don’t even want to know) to know that it’s still in place and not shot out somewhere ;).

  6. On April 8th, 2008 at 10:03 pm KC Says:

    aww. I’m sorry. 🙁

  7. On April 8th, 2008 at 11:43 pm Tonya Says:

    It is a bit of a mind fuck, first you see it, then you don’t. I had one of those (a so-called chemical pg), and it sucks when you’re any way disposed to be excited about news like that. Hoping all turns out well.

  8. On April 9th, 2008 at 6:20 am Tricia Says:

    I’m sorry. This never happened to me but it did to a friend of mine.

    A couple of tidbits:

    All of those pregnancy tests detect at different HCG levels (I found a list on line so I could find one with the lowest). So you could easily get a positive on one and a negative on a different one, especially if it’s early.

    The length between each test, also would give an indicator as to whether it was bad tests or miscarriage. (HCG doesn’t drop that quickly – plus you could have diluted your urine which can cause a false negative as well). If you did all 3 of the tests within hours of each other, I would lean towards crappy tests that you should be able to sue for.

    Again I’m sorry.

  9. On April 9th, 2008 at 6:33 am CLC Says:

    I am sorry. What sucky news. I know you say you are ok with it, but I am guessing you probably got just a tiny bit excited on Sunday. And it always sucks to have your hopes dashed.

  10. On April 9th, 2008 at 7:14 am Kristine Says:

    I used to religiously take my birth control pills. And then I got pregnant and couldn’t even remember to take the prenatal vitamin. So we’ve decided to go with the teenage choice of birth control. Condoms and prayer.

  11. On April 9th, 2008 at 9:16 am Chris Says:

    My wife and I have had multiple incidents like this, we have 5 children BTW. The only way to stop this is to stop doing the nasty because we all know that abstinence is the only 100% for sure birth control. But and a big BUT, I would rather kill myself than give up sex with my wife.

  12. On April 9th, 2008 at 8:26 am Doc Says:

    I am a tad bit dissapointed… I was hoping to read that Wommy Wants Vodka is now going to have even MORE sausage ??

    Oh well… (psst. glad you go things fixed. Hope I helped)

  13. On April 9th, 2008 at 9:10 am g Says:

    Have you seen that commercial, where the simulated pee (it’s clear though) flows down onto the pee stick? The announcer even talks slowly about the best technology… yadda yadda… That played over and over in my head as I read your post. Which means I was visualizing you peeing.


  14. On April 9th, 2008 at 9:38 am LaskiGal Says:

    Ugh. Dare I say I’ve been there . . . oh, especially this part: “I pretty much hate those digital tests because it always seems so damn smug when “Not Pregnant” pops up.” I mean, rub it in why dontcha?

    I get the blue part–your relieved, yet sad, yet content, yet bummed out–sort of an ambiguous set of emotions.

  15. On April 9th, 2008 at 9:42 am b Says:

    I hate pregnancy tests..hated when the wife busted em out..hated when she cried and put them away again. I think they are tools of the devil. Just my theory.

  16. On April 9th, 2008 at 10:26 am kbreints Says:

    Oh i am sorry about the blusey day– hormones have a lot to do with that too I suspect. (I hate it when people tell me that) Are you wanting another kiddo? I hope that it happens for you if you are… Keep on keepin’ on.

    Damn pregnancy tests, I had to take 3 (all within a day) before both my pregnancies. The first two were negative. Then of course I got that positive both times.

  17. On April 9th, 2008 at 10:29 am honeywine Says:

    Don’t ya hate those. I’ve done it a couple of times now (complete with throwing up and sore tatas). I’m sure Alex will fix it. Just run after him about 20 times for trying to eat the cat, crayons, sofa, etc. and the no-baby-blues will subside (if you don’t try to remove your ovaries with a rusty spoon lol).

  18. On April 9th, 2008 at 11:14 am Amy Says:

    You do realize that if you were to be pregnant you’d have a whole bunch of us wanting to snag your baby don’t you?!! No, I think I’d seriously leave your baby alone, and be happy for you! You’re not only Awesome Aunt Becky but Totally Rad Mommy Becky too!
    Thinking of you today! The baby blues will hopefully pass or you and the Daver will have to start doin’ it like monkeys!

  19. On April 9th, 2008 at 1:53 pm MsPrufrock Says:

    I’d go with the chemical pregnancy idea. Plus, as other wise folks have said, pregnancy tests range in their sensitivity. Still, a shame you had to have your happiness shattered like that.

    I could have done without Amy’s “doin it like monkeys” comment though. Ew.

  20. On April 9th, 2008 at 2:43 pm baseballmom Says:

    Yikes…hopefully no high school girls or something get those bad tests and think they’re pregnant!

  21. On April 9th, 2008 at 2:43 pm Kristen Says:

    I am sorry that you are so blue. I had 4 months of those before getting pregnant this time, and I kept telling myself that I didn’t want to be pregnant. Obviously there was a big part of me that did. I cried every month when Flo came and then had those blues for like a week each time.
    I hope that you get what your heart desires, when you are ready.

  22. On April 9th, 2008 at 3:17 pm The Milk Maid Says:


    A big hearty “I’ve been there” sigh from the Milk Maid…

    Have a lil vodka Aunt Becky? It’s on me… c’mon now.

  23. On April 9th, 2008 at 5:33 pm Ames Says:

    I agree that those digital tests do seem like they are mocking you. Every time I get a “Not Pregnant” I want to pick the thing up and chuck it across the room…good to know I’m not the only one that feels that way.

  24. On April 9th, 2008 at 5:45 pm Jodie Says:

    you don’t know me…I am one of those lurkers (I found you through LAS-she’s my cousin!) I love reading your blog by the way and for some reason today I have to comment. I guess to tell you that I had the same experience and I also had blood work done (we had been struggling with infertility for years so I was out of my mind with frustration) anyway, it was a chemical pregnancy for me. But the thing is I got pregnant with my daughter who is now 2 the next cycle and was told that you are super-fertile after something like that! So if you want #3 now just might be the time! Also I Just wanted to say sorry-it is a difficult no matter when it happens! Oh and thanks for your blog- I would say I am addicted!

  25. On April 9th, 2008 at 8:08 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    Aww, I’m so sorry!

    I always go back and forth too. There are moments in the day when I think about having a third. Those sweet,precious moments when my children are behaving like perfect angels . . .(o.k., there was this ONE moment . . .one time . . .)

    And then others times, (23.95 hours of the day) I’m like . ..Dude. There is no way I could handle ANYTHING else. THANK GOD I AM NOT PREGNANT!!

    So, I go back and forth too!! I totally get it!!

    Maybe someday . .. .but then . . .

    Maybe NOT!!!

    (See what I mean??) It’s nuts, isn’t it?

  26. On April 9th, 2008 at 8:44 pm c. Says:

    Funny. I peed on a stick for 8 months and got 2 lines, but no baby. How the fuck did that happen? Bad deadbaby humour. Sorry.

    I am sorry your not trying didn’t end up in “Surprise!” I hope it does. For you. For me. For everyone who is accidentally, on-purpose hoping to get prego. XO, Becky. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

  27. On April 10th, 2008 at 4:05 am Dolores Schwartz Says:

    That really sucks!! I am part of the fout kid club! So, I don’t want anymore… OR so, I don’t think… Not an option but, still… OH BECKY THAT STINKS!!

  28. On April 10th, 2008 at 2:02 pm Carlynn Says:

    I’d have been so excited if you were pregnant. I would have thought of coming over to see you (before you got a stomach of course because that might still be difficult for me).

    I’m sorry, Becky. A disappearing second line is never a nice thing. I also want 3 kids and that sucks that one day you were almost there and the next day there was nothing. I’m really sorry. I wish I could send you something.

    I hope you’re feeling better.

  29. On April 10th, 2008 at 5:27 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    This is what you get for laughing at my pregnancy angst, you know. 🙂

    Is it bad to say that that was the funniest post about being blue I have ever read? I hope you’re feeling better.

    Oh, I too also feel shame when I buy the pregnancy tests. Every time. It’s always like that time I bought one in my teen years. . .for a friend. I swear. Nevermind that I’m a married mother now, put one of those things in my hand I’m a teenager all over again.

  30. On April 10th, 2008 at 6:03 pm Jenn Says:

    Kent and I were just talking about this recently because we always said we would have 3 kids. Until the second one ended up being Boo (aka the child that never sleeps) and he decided two was ENOUGH. (I still want 3 though, bah.) Anyway! I can totally understand you being a bit blue, I would feel the same way.

  31. On April 11th, 2008 at 1:28 pm Ann Says:

    That sucks. I would be blue, too. It’s a let down even if it’s not expected. Stupid sticks. Have a martini, love. xo.

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