Dear Aunt Becky,

I have a blog (that I tend to forget about pretty frequently…  but I’m trying to change).  I think my problem is the whole commenting-conversation thing.  How should I reply to comments?  Email?  The same thread?  On the person’s own blog on a totally unrelated post?

I don’t really think most people (or maybe I’m just a jerk) go back over and over to check further comments on a post they commented on so my response would basically be lost forever.  But on the other hand I don’t want people to feel obligated to talk to me if I email them in response.  I just want to be able to be “Hey you, you’re recognized.  Thanks.  You deserve a cookie.”

How can I do that without being too pushy/annoying?

Good question, oh Prankster, my Prankster (mostly because it’s a question I can answer without having to work my pea-sized brain too hard)! I’ll be very anxious to hear what my other Pranksters say about this, as well.

So when I first started blogging, I was all, Imma respond to comments in my comments! And it worked out well, because the people who read my blog were the people who’d followed me here from Mushroom Printing, where we always had a dialogue back and forth. It was fancy, until I got readers who weren’t the same as people who’d been to my wedding and had likely seen me streak naked around my house while drunk.

Then I realized that it was probably a massive waste of time to respond to comments in my comments because who the hell wants to come back and sit on a blog and hope and pray that the blog owner is responding? Answer: like 2 people.

So I stopped.

THEN, I felt like a douche, because I was all, I READ MY COMMENTS AND DRAW PUFFY HEARTS ON THEM PLEASE KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU COMMENTERS!

So I tried emailing people with the email addresses you left. But since you didn’t always know MY email address, I got a lot of, “and who the fuck are you?” emails.

Then I cried. I wore sadpants for a long, long time.

THEN! I found out about this awesome new plug-in called WP-Threaded Comments! And I installed it! THEN I WORE HAPPY PANTS!

Because I could respond to comments! And if you leave an email address like, ‘gofuckyourselfauntbecky@gmail.com’ and I respond with, “Oh, I love you, wise commenter, can we make babies?” I don’t know when the email bounces!

The end!

Dear Aunt Becky,

I have to be friends with women I wouldn’t normally be friends with- their husbands are my husbands’ buds, and we all get together every weekend.  I’ve tried making my own friends, but it’s hard when you don’t really have a hobby and suffer with a mood disorder.  I’ve also tried being genuine friends with these women, and it’s not terrible, just not *me.*

So, I’m looking to go on this Aunt Becky’s Family Reunion Cruise, and I don’t want to let them know about it.  Nothing personal, I just don’t want to be on a boat with them.  We tried an “all girls” vacay and it failed miserably and ended in drama.  I’d rather go on my own and make my own friends, anyway.

Does this make me a bad person?  And how do I explain that I’m going on a cruise (without the Hub nonetheless) and didn’t mention it to nor invite them?

So, Pranksters, this is a good time to remind you that WE’RE GOING ON A MOTHERTRUCKING BOAT. It’s Aunt Becky’s FAMILY REUNION and you’re freaking INVITED so get your ass on a boat with us! The details are here! It’s cheap! And you’re COMING!

When you’re with us, you’re fucking FAMILY, so you’d best act like you LIKE IT. Get your ass on that boat! It doesn’t matter what kind of bits are between your legs. EVERYONE IS WELCOME.

Except, of course, the bitches that this Prankster is talking about. THEY are not invited because they sound like royal assholes.

So, Prankster, back to you, now that I’ve put away my megaphone. Of course you are not a bad person. I once made the mistake of going on vacation with two other girls and it was a fucking nightmare. I’ll have to recount the story sometime. *shudders*

Here’s what you do, if you have to mention it: tell you’re friend you’re going with some people from the INTERNET. Say it like they do on To Catch a Predator. Like we’re going to be plying you with Zima (gags) and condoms and slipping you roofies, rather than pranking and merrymaking on the high-motherfucking-seas.

Tell them it’s some sort of timeshare thing (scares everyone) and that you’ve been conned into selling Mary Kay or Pampered Chef or one of those 4-day long candle party things. Or maybe you’re selling a kidney. Or an arm. Or drug trafficking! Illegal arms deals!

Or you could tell them that you’re going with some bloggers.

Which is the fucking scariest suggestion of all.

*shudders*

Pranksters? Suggestions?

Dear Aunt Becky,

I have been a quiet follower of yours for quite some time. I think I’ve been drawn to following because of what you’ve gone through with your little girl. Now, I won’t pretend for one second that I have a clue what you’ve gone through, because really, I don’t. My son Athan, had heart surgery when he was 5 days old, was released from the hospital at 10 days old and has been doing quite well ever since.

When I first started following you, I thought, “Wow, I can empathize with her,” if only on the tiniest of levels. The thing is, in few short months, we are expecting a little girl we’ve named Jillian. I know your little Amelia had a neural tube defect when she was born, that required her to be in the hospital for far too long after she was born. My little one is facing a very severe congenital heart defect that will require several surgeries and far too much time in the hospital also. We have a 3 1/2 year old son, Oliver and 2 year old Athan and I have no clue how we’re going to manage all the time in the hospital, the stress, the decisions, etc.

My question is this: How the hell did you do it? How the hell do you still do it? How did you/do you maintain a “normal” life, if that’s even possible? I have started a blog- (There was a URL here, but it’s not functioning anymore), so that I can release some stress, while letting friends and family know what’s going on.

Some days I don’t feel like talking to anyone, and I know I don’t owe anyone anything, but I still feel like I should at least let keep them in the loop. In comparison to you, I am shit on your shoes when it comes to blogging, but I’d really appreciate if others could at least take a look and say a quick, simple prayer for her. Can you please make a quick note one day for people to take a look? I’m not expecting followers, but would appreciate any little prayers we can get.

Thank you,
Sincerely,
Hurting Mama (aka, Nikki Janik)

Oh Prankster, there are tears pouring down my cheeks right now, and I’ve got to be freaking out my neighbors with my ugly cry and you know what? FUCK ‘EM! Of course we’ll pray for you and your little Jillian! I wish your blog link worked so we could visit you properly.

I hope you’re reading this and know that we’re all sending you and baby Jillian all the love and light and prayers that we have.

The only way I know to get through hell is to keep going. You’ll make it through, even though you won’t know how. I don’t have your email address or any way to contact you except through my posts, but if you need a shoulder, I’m here, okay? I’ll be keeping you and Jillian in my prayers. Much, much love to you both.

I’m sure all my Pranksters will be, too. They’re full of the awesome, my Pranksters.

—————-

This seems like a good place for me to tell you that I have a spot for you, Hurting Mama, in case you did shut down your blog. It’s a place for all of us, actually. I’m quietly announcing it today, and I’ll loudly announce it tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and I’ll beg you, all of you, Pranksters, to help me announce it.

It’s called Band Back Together, and it’s a group blog for stories like yours, Hurting Mama. It’s a place to go to share our stories, old and new, and you’re all welcome to use it.

I’m a little shy about it, because I’ve worked really hard on it, but I hope you dig it. It’s not quite done yet, but do let me know what it still needs.

And please, Pranksters, fill in where I left off in the comments. And be sure to love on Hurting Mama. She could use it.

Dear Aunt Becky,

Sponsorship: Wheredya gettit?

sponsorship (noun)– the act of sponsoring (either officially or financially).

This definition plucked handily from the Free Online Dictionary, not a source I’d probably use if I were writing a research paper, but for this purpose, Pranksters, I suppose it will suffice.

I’m afraid, Prankster, I’m not entirely sure what you’re talking about.

I’d guess that you mean someone who pays either for my site, in which case I’d suggest my couch. Sometimes I’ve found upwards of 35 cents in there! The downside to finding change in my couch is that it is, in fact, my own change, not someone else’s, and therefore, I’m only finding my own money. When you think of it in those terms, it’s a little more depressing.

I do run ads on my blog as you can see, and those ads pay for things like hosting this blog, my group blog, Mushroom Printing, and my new previously unannounced group blog that I will be opening this week (claps happily)(does victory dance around living room)(shakes ass). I’ll tell you more about my new blog as soon as it’s done.

As far as getting corporate sponsorship and selling out To The Man any further than I have by placing additional third party ads on my sidebar or shilling out myself to companies so that they may send me to conferences on their behalf, I do not know how to do that. I’d assume that it requires several things:

1) A sizable blog

2) The ability to sell yourself to companies

3) Approaching the companies with a good sales pitch.

Really, that’s your call as to how you want to play it. I don’t do it. I haven’t done it. I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable doing it.

—————-

Aunt Becky,

Ok I know this is probably stupid to ask but how do the “SYWM” shirts fit? I am 6’1″ (yeah yeah I know like I needed to be 6’1″ with a fireball attitude like mine.  I’m probably a matter of national security now because I KNOW I have the Air Force on edge) and shirts never fit me right.

I am (please don’t kill me) a size 8 (156 pounds) so Mediums are usually about 2″ too short and I end up showing belly. WHAT SIZE SHOULD I GET SO I DON’T FLASH MY BELLEH?

Love Kate

PS You Rock.

Yay! The Shut Your Whore Mouth shirts are awesome and they’re super flattering and I probably should mention sizing. I’d order a size up from whatever you normally wear. These aren’t like crazy belly shirts (which make me stabby) and you’re tall, so I’d go with a L or an XL to be on the safe side.

If’n you have a big rack like me, get the XL. They’re hot. You’re gonna be hot. Can’t wait to hear how you kick ass and take names in it. Please don’t kick my ass. Ever.

——————-

Dear Aunt Becky,

I’ve got a bit of a situation I’d like your advice on.  My best friend is a man I’ve known since I was abouut 5.  He’s had a bad run with depression over the last few years, and he’s currently unemployed (unrelated to the depression, but it’s not helping).  Earlier this year he started dating a 21 year old (we’re both thirty), and they’re insanely in love.  Problem is, I’m not entirely sure she’s not just insane.

She has a lot of stories about her past.  She had a child when she was 13 who died 4 years later from the toddler version of SIDS.  Her ex-boyfriend got her addicted to heroin while she slept.  Her mother’s a drug dealer and murderer.  She’s had multiple last names and was in witness protection.  Her other ex-boyfriend beat her and also happened to burn everything she owned of her child.

But she makes my best friend happy, and as far as I’m concerned, you can say your name is Cleopatra and you shit rainbows, and I’ll smile and nod for his sake.

But now the ‘stories’ have started to affect other people.  From what I can gather (because her version of events changes every time she tells it, of course), she was having trouble with her boss, so was relocated to a sister company.  Three days later, she was fired because several of her new co-workers signed statements to the effect of ‘she told us her boyfriend was going to kill her ex-boss’.  Now the ex-boss has taken out a restraining order against her and my best friend.

That one required a lot of tongue biting.  But hey, it’s his life, and if someone’s going to tell her that, even if it was a joke, that was all kinds of fucking stupid, it really should be him. Commandment one of friendship: Thou Shall Not Fuck With Thy Best Friend’s Relationship, right?

Then it got worse.

I got married, and the first time I spoke to her after the wedding, she told me she thought another friend’s husband was ‘really dominant’ towards her, and that he must beat her.
This wouldn’t happen.  He wouldn’t do it, she wouldn’t let him.  But this is a serious allegation and I was distracted that night, and maybe I missed something.  So I asked another friend, one of the most observant women I’ve ever met.  Her answer?
‘WHAT?!’ pause ‘WHHHHAAAATTT?’ It turns out that the best friend’s girlfriend didn’t even speak to the guy she was accusing of battery.  Far as we can tell, she pulled this idea out of her arse.

So, basically, my best friend is madly in love with a pathological liar, and now she’s making allegations about people who also deserve my loyalty. Does anyone have any idea how to handle this?  As weird as this sounds, I love this man almost as much as I love my husband (in a different way, of course!) and I don’t want to lose him.  But not even for him can I just keep smiling and nodding this time.

signed,

Normally, I’m down with crazy.

Bloody hell, Prankster. The upside to this is that I’d guarantee everybody reading this has been in a similar situation with a friend. The downside is that I don’t know if anyone knows how to properly handle it.

So, there are a couple of ways to handle it.

1) You say nothing, bite your tongue and watch the situation unfold from a polite distance. Unless you really think you can make him see the light and see the girl for what she is (a potential lunatic), and allow him to get out while the getting is good, this may be the only way to preserve the friendship right now.

2) You go super-stealth undercover (I just whistled the Mission Impossible song) and find out about this girl’s past, and go to confront your friend with some cold hard facts about her past. If you can blow some real holes in her stories, you might have a chance of disproving her lies and allow him to get out now. Because she sounds like a sinking ship.

3) You confront him with no evidence and see how he takes it. If he’s in love, it may not be well. In these cases, it’s usually decidedly UN-well. He may choose her and leave you standing there like an asshole. It’s happened to us all when we opened our whore mouths and spoke up. But then, at least, you said something, rather than nothing. Which may make you feel a bit better. And in the end, he’ll remember it. She’ll be a phase in his life. The Bad Girlfriend.

4) Stage an intervention with a couple of friends and try and all talk to him about her. If he’s depressed, he may not be seeing the situation for what it is. I would advise trying to bring some sort of evidence to him of her lies, if you can dig it up.

Perhaps some combination of these may help and I’m willing to bet that my Pranksters have some advice to offer you on this matter. I’m certain we’ve all been there.

Good luck, darlin’. This is a tough situation. Much love to you. Let us know how it turns out.

————–

As always, Pranksters, please fill in where I left off in the comments below. And feel free to submit your burningest questions here, to the Go Ask Aunt Becky form.

Also: when the fuck did it turn into September? That’s bullshit!

Anyone scouring my archives will note that this is a rerun of perhaps my first (?) Go Ask Aunt Becky column, which I am lazily reposting since probably 2 of you have read it before.

———–

Dear Aunt Becky,

Is it trashy to hang your child’s art work (one construction paper size piece from each child) on the storm door?

Oh, Gentle Reader, if only you knew how many nights I stayed awake, soaking the pages of the newest Pottery Barn catalog with my drool, dreaming, just dreaming of the days when my sofa might match the drapes and I might be able to use my coffee table for more than a toddler-jumping-off platform (it is also used, I want to add, as a bed for Auggie. Which, I know. Huh?). I fantasize about the days when I will have end-table books and breakable hurricane lamps on my dining room table.

Truth be told, I fantasize about being a size 4, too, and, well, yeah.

I’m no (insert home style star here) and if I had to describe my house, it would be kid chic, complete with a side of dog and cat fur! So I may not be the best person to ask this question to, but I will try to answer you proud.

Providing that you’re not trying to score a centerfold spread in Architectural Digest or act like you live in a house that has no kids, I say why not? Providing, of course, that the drawings aren’t of anything graphic (OR DECIPHERABLE if so) and/or containing: penises, vaginas, butts, poop, or people in various stages of killing each other.

Unless, of course, you’re trying to scare off potential door-to-door salespeople or people who want to tell you about how God Can Save YOU. Then, I would be as graphic and foul as possible.

If it’s cute and it makes you happy to look at and you don’t mind telling the world that you have kids, I’d say go for it.

—————-

I have a family member who gives Mister and I, and our children, things we really don’t need. (Or want) This person is a semi-compulsive shopper in recovery, and I think a lot of her “gifting” is actually “cleaning off a shelf.” I’ve tried to hint that we really don’t need these things, without sounding like an ungrateful bitch.

What really makes me feel bad is that she takes the time to wrap them, and pays good money to ship them across four states. Is it rude to say, “Let’s just exchange one gift per person this Christmas.” Which would be code for, “Please don’t pay Fed Ex to ship me a(nother) salad spinner, a shoe shining kit, a pair of socks with cats on them, and a flashlight, wrapped in red and green paper.” (Ugly! Hateful!) Help!

Now this, my dear friend is a tricky question.

First, I would probably thank her for her generosity (on, at least, the phone, if not in person. Email can be tricky because tone cannot be interpreted) as kindly as possible, because, well, that’s polite. Then, as she’s ‘you’re welcoming you,’ I’d throw in a really, really, really sweet sounding “you really don’t have to go to all the trouble!”

I would probably leave it at that so as not to offend her.

If she persists (getting rid of some of this stuff may be sort of a gift in and of itself to her, because perhaps it makes her feel as though she’s really sending the stuff to a good home) sending gifts, I would donate them to charity.

Because I understand that you need another whimsical Santa-head oven mitt like you need a hole in your head.

Trust me.

——————-

Hey Aunt Becky,

Since you’re such a people person, what thoughts do you have on avoiding relatives who plan on sleeping (and yelling) at your house for a week during Christmas WITHOUT actually telling them to their face how much you can’t stand them?

No this is not early, they just ordered their plane tickets on the internet, and I do not have the money to send my family of five flying in the opposite direction.

Thoughts?

“In the Middle” (Thanks, I’ve always wanted to use a corny pseudonym.)

ps. Something is messed up on the sight right under “ask”.

First, corny pseudonyms are drastically underused today, Aunt Becky agrees*.

If being honest about this is out of the question and straight up mentioning (or having your spouse say) that having a houseful of guests isn’t feasible, I would go with one of the following options:

Option 1: I would do whatever (and I MEAN whatever) I could to make sure that they stayed in a hotel. Your sanity is worth a hell of a lot, and if you’re dreading Christmas already (SO been there), then maybe you can find a cheap rate for a nearby hotel. You could GRACEFULLY, tactfully insist that they stay here, as your gift to either them, or to you.

Option 2: Depending on your relationship with them, if it were good enough, I might ask at some point (in my stupidest, I don’t know anything tone) “Oh! Where are you staying!? I hear there are some AWESOME rates at (name local hotel). Want their number?” Be forceful, stupid sounding and gentle at the same time.

Option 3: Convince your family that you have some horrible communicable disease like rabies and they cannot possibly be exposed! O! The humanity!

Option 4: Call your doctor and get a prescription for Xanax and spend your holidays living on a fluffy, pink cloud where you won’t care that everyone is yelling at you.

Option 5: Call your liquor store and get a case of (insert your drink of choice) and spend your holidays living on a fluffy, pink cloud where you won’t care that everyone is yelling at you.

Option 6: Move out for that week. Fake a work trip, a separation, whatever, and get the hell out of there.

Option 7: Praise Sweet Merciful Baby Jesus that your family doesn’t live closer and try and grin and bear it. Then say a prayer thanking Sweet Baby Jesus that the holidays only come once a year.

Now, none of these options excludes the other, so if you like a little from Column A and a little of Beaker B, feel free to mix them up.

I wish you good luck, my friend. Good luck indeed.

—————

As always, should you have a burning question for Aunt Becky other than “How does anyone stand you?” please go up to the top of the page and click on the “Go Ask Aunt Becky” page. You can freely send me questions, compliments and marriage proposals which I do answer every Sunday.

And, Pranksters, please feel free to fill in where I left off in the comments.

Dear Aunt Becky,

So, I’ve been single for over three years.  I’ve dated a couple of guys here and there, but haven’t found any that I “click” with or even enjoy after being around them a handful of times.  It’s been over seven years since I met someone that made me feel all squishy inside and that relationship ended horribly after only four years.

I’m nearing thirty (very, very nearing), which isn’t old, but it feels like as I get older, I just don’t find many men attractive anymore.  If I meet one that likes me (which happens decently often it seems), I’m usually not interested or become disinterested incredibly fast.

Is this normal?  I’m not looking to jump into a relationship, marriage, or have kids.  I’m just looking for someone that I actually *feel* something for and want to spend time with every so often.  It’d be a breath of fresh air, because I’m starting to feel like it just isn’t going to happen anymore.

I know these seem like crazy thoughts, but I was wondering if anyone else experienced the same thing?  I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and becoming the crazy cat lady who never leaves her home.

Some background: I’m attractive, work out, have an excellent job and am well-educated, I don’t have high standards (I will give almost any man a first date just because he had the balls to ask me) or expectations.  I do a decent amount of varying social activities, so I’m not limited in where I would meet men. I just don’t seem to connect with anyone, even when they’re great guys.

Am I not giving them enough time to grow on me?  Am I expecting a connection in the beginning when there doesn’t always have to be?  In my experience, no connection in the beginning means no connection later on.  Am I wrong?

Signed,

Frustrated, confused, and missing that loving feeling.

Well, Prankster, I’ve enlisted The Daver AND my homie The Next Martha to help me with this question because Your Aunt Becky isn’t the best at answering dating advice, and we all have some advice for you. Hopefully, my Pranksters will also be able to fill in the gaps.

First, I’d offer up my own words of wisdom (which, frankly, is worth cat shit in a bag): the times when you’re LEAST looking for a relationship is always when they manage to find you. There’s something about when you’re alone and really comfortable in your aloneness that really seems to attract that one special person. So I’d say that perhaps getting nice and comfortable with yourself is the way to be.

The Daver pointed out that perhaps you’re dismissing the people you’re going out on dates with too soon to decide if you have a real connection with them. He also thinks that maybe you need to be more choosy about the people you go on dates with (so that you value the dates more).

The Next Martha thinks that maybe you have some unresolved issues with your ex-boyfriend that you may have to work through before you can move on to successfully date again.

So there you have it: three different people with three different sets of advice for you. Ignore what you hate, take what you like, and hopefully my very brilliant Pranksters will fill in where we left off.

Good luck, Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I come seeking advise from thee, oh wise and great one.

Basically my family does DRAMA. Most of the time in a good, snarky, crack you up laughing at something really twisted sort of way. But lately… its gotten a bit complicated and every time I come to town it gets WORSE.

Long story short: Me, my Hub, and the wee one live 1000 miles from my folks, my sister, bro in law and nieces.

Base conflict: One of my nieces is special needs, as part of my sister’s reaction to this she has become ULTRA SCHEDULED. She is all about the plans and the control. Things do not go well when the plans get dissed. Understandable but frustrating b/c my sister is a very intense, relentless type person, which is good in some ways and tiring in others.

My parents have both survived multiple rounds of cancer. They now refuse to get worked up when plans fall through. They just roll with it. This makes them a bit flakey but lowers their stress. I tend to be more like my folks and try to roll with things.

Needless to say my sister does NOT handle the flake well. Most of the time they just deal with it. When it becomes a MAJOR problem is when I come to town.

Because apparently I am a hotter commodity than chocolate in a PMS convention and so lots and lots of plans are formed when I come to town. Some times one group does not even inform the other groups that plans have been formed.

But either way the melt down that will ensue regardless of whether the dissage was informed or not is a sight mighty to behold.

And honestly its getting REALLY old. Its almost never personal when the plans get dissed. I do love my sister and want to see her. I also wouldn’t mind getting some one on one time with my Mom. But the sis seems to take this personal.

Any suggestions on how to defuse the situation? B/c the repeated melt downs almost make me wanna NOT go home and they rob so much of the joy from my trip.

I don’t wanna cause drama. I just wanna see my family. I’ve even said this and it hasn’t made a dent apparently.

And so in my extremely verbose fashion I seek wisdom from the great and glorious Aunt Becky (bytheway – have you lost weight? Cuz dang girl!!).

Sincerely,
Gonna Beat ‘Em ALL Down and Be Done With It

Prankster, you’re making MY head spin with this, so I can only imagine how this would be for you to deal with. Your Aunt Becky needs a drink (or thirty) right now just to type this response.

So, it sounds as though your sister needs concrete plans for the days that you’ll see her. I understand that. I have kids on a rigid schedule, too, and that makes sense. Flakiness is hard to handle for us, because our time-table is fairly, well, rigid. You should make sure that you make the plans with her ahead of time and stick with them first and foremost. If everyone else is more laid back, then plans with her will be the ones that are most important to be on time.

As for the rest of the time, maybe it’s wise to schedule it out BEFORE you leave for the trip with the people who will want to see you if you’re interested in avoiding The Dramaz. This way, you’ll know on X Day this is the plan-ish. If they fall through, okay, but that’s the plan for the day. Then there’s not so much up-in-the-air-ness about the whole situation and if your sister can make it to the events that are planned–great–if not, okay.

Sometimes plans change. It’s hard for those of us with special needs kids to accept that the rest of the world doesn’t live like we do. It just is.

But maybe if you can do a lot to get it planned out ahead of time, it might save you some grief during the vacation.

I hope it helps.

Pranksters, I’d love your take on it.

——————

As always, please fill in where I left off in the comments. And feel free to submit your burningest questions to Go Ask Aunt Becky button at the top of the screen.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I have a crummy blog that gets comments every now and then, which makes me more happy than you would ever imagine.  Well, the thing that bothers me is that after a few days I stop checking for new comments (I may be a bit vain but not vain enough to check every entry for the rest of my life, right?)

The thing is that I really want to know if I have any new comments because those comments mean the world to me.  Like way more than you’d ever know!

Is there something I can do on a blogger account so that I know when someone has commented on my blog?  Especially the older ones??

Trust me, my friend, I know all about how important comments are, which is why I dutifully fish through 800 pages of Russian Porn Spam to find the one single comment that my blog spam filter has accidentally marked as spam. So, comments = GOLD to a blogger. I dig this.

As I am a lowly WordPress Blogger, I did not immediately have an answer to this question for you.

But, Merry Prankster! Have no fear! I also have a BLOGGER blog set up so that I can comment on all of your “I don’t allow anonymous comment Blogger blogs.” I just had to remember how to FIND it and get in there. It’s clearly unused.

From your dashboard, go to Settings. The settings menu will offer you a variety of selections. You want “Comments.”

Now, scroll ALL THE WAY DOWN to the bottom of the screen, which I cannot actually show in an entire screen shot, because, well, I don’t know.

But at the very bottom you will see this:

In that box, you can add your email (or 10!) and it should email you, after, of course, you click, SAVE SETTINGS (something Your Aunt Becky FREQUENTLY forgets to do because she is very, very smart), whenever anyone comments. Even those lovely spammers you get.

WordPress is wonderous because the comments are such that the most recent ones–no matter on how old the post–go to the top of the comment queue on the dashboard. I heart you, WordPress. Hard.

Hope that helps, Prankster.

——————

Good Morning Lovely,

Can you recommend a blog designer?  I need a little updating…

Minnie

Well, my darling friend, I’m so glad that you asked. Because I will tell you what NOT to do, my Merry Pranksters.

Do NOT get onto Twitter and say: “I NEED A SITE DESIGNER” when you are slightly drunk because you know what? The world is a site designer. Except of course, me, who is all, “I LIKE SPARKLES! AND PINK! AND UH, MOTHERFUCKING SKULLS WITH RAZORBLADES HANGING OUT OF THEM.”

It’s very helpful when you know precisely what you want (read: not me) but not helpful when you don’t know what you want (read: me).

But the person who did my site design and tolerates my questions like: “WHY *stamp stamp stamp* can’t I make that feed-thingy work?” is Jon from Keeping You Awake. What’s shocking is that he STILL tolerates me. Actually, what’s shocking is that ANYONE tolerates me.

Alas, I digress.

I do not, however, know how much time Jon has for this stuff. So I am also shouting out the fabulous Robin from Oppositional Design, a.k.a. My Business Card Person. I’m telling you that you need to ASK someone how cool they are, because the coolness cannot be captured on film.

(seriously, it cannot)

(P.S. I still have a kajillion of them, so Imma be passing them out for-freaking-EVER)

(P.P.S. I SUCK at social networking, apparently)

(P.P.P.S. I’m going to Type A Mom. I’m going to be FLINGING the cards at people. Sorry if I hit you in the face with one).

But Robin does this stuff for a living AND puts up with me AND still takes my emails, so, Pranksters, I’m giving you two people that Your Aunt Becky can personally vouch for. Hit it up in the comments, Pranksters, because I know YOU guys must know other people who are also awesome in the graphic design world.

———————-

Dear Aunt Becky,

What to do with a mother-in-law who insists on always trying to give/serve expired food?

OMG so gross!

Oh Prankster, you asked the right person this question. Because I? Have FOOD ISSUES. I’m sure if I were a kid, they’d be all, “she has sensory issues,” but really, I’m just weird about my food (okay, I’m just weird.).

First, you’re clearly not going to change her mind by leaving pictures of E. Coli viruses out, so I wouldn’t bother. Second, I’m guessing that your husband just tolerates it because that’s his mother, right? I mean, what can he do? (no really, what can he do?) Third, I’m assuming, of course, that she is in her right mind.

My advice is to take a page from the Aunt Becky Playbook:

1) Eat before you get to her house.

2) If you’re going for any amount of time, pack food in your purse. Like non-perishable stuff, not a turkey or something because if you packed a whole turkey, now, guess what? YOU’RE THE FREAK.

3) Push the food around your plate LIKE you’re eating, but instead of actually eating, just occasionally put the empty fork in your mouth. That way you’re being polite and not a jerk, because really, hurting her feelings isn’t going to solve anything.

4) Drink lots of tap water or bottled water or whatever to make it look like you’re eating like a normal person.

5) Compliment her often. Again, you’re not doing this to be cruel, you just can’t really be rude. It helps nothing.

Also, I wish you good luck and God Speed, Prankster. I’ve SO been there. Not with the expired food or anything, just because I’m a freak.

—————–

As always, Pranksters, please fill in where I left off in the comments. And please feel free to submit your mostest burningest questions to the button-thing at the top that says, “GO ASK AUNT BECKY.”

Dear Aunt Becky,

Just 3 weeks ago, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been sleeping with an ugly, stupid woman he works with.  He used to make fun of her all of the time by forwarding her emails to me and to other people in her office.

Her emails contained such gems as “I am staying home with a migrant today.”  She meant “migraine,” but everyone speculated that she had swung by Home Depot and picked up a guy for the day.  She also claims that things aren’t “worth her wild.”  I still have those emails.  What should I do?

You’re the best!

ThreeBadDogs

Oh, Prankster, how my heart hurts for you, because I have SO been there before, and I can tell you that it’s bad enough when someone cheats on you, but it’s THAT MUCH WORSE when it’s someone with half a brain. Or someone who is, perhaps, butt-ugly WITH half a brain.

So I’m sorry. That’s lousy and I have total sympathy. It’s happened to me twice and it’s brutal.

As for what you should do with the emails, I can suggest posting them on Mushroom Printing (it’s the group blog and you can post them over there if you choose), and I’ll ask my other Pranksters for advice here as well. What should she do with these emails?

Dearest Aunt Becky,

I have a dilemma that I would love your advice on. I’m not close to any of my real aunts and I don’t have any sisters, but you are the best Aunt of the Internet out there so I figured you could help. Forgive me that it’s a bit long.

Anyway, I am having a problem with men. Just like every other woman in the world. However, I feel like my own judgment can’t get any worse and I need to dig myself out of this hole I am in.

I am 19 years old. I dated a much older man for about two months. He was mostly good to me and we had a great time together. Amazing chemistry. I found myself falling in love with him very, very fast and equally hard! I was head over heels for this guy (still am…) and I would do anything for him. Including “understanding” him being with his ex-girlfriend. They had a history and clearly he wasn’t ready to let go of her, although they broke up over a year ago. He stopped seeing her altogether when we were dating. In my naive little mind, things were going my way. Then, all the sudden, he meets up with his ex, they “talk” and she ends up spending 2 nights at his house, all while he ignores my calls and ruins our plans together.

So I was done with him. Extremely broken hearted and deeply in love, the last time I saw him was when I left his house sobbing so hard I couldn’t even drive straight.

Fast forward to the present day, about 3 weeks later. I met a really nice guy on July 4th. We have been dating since. However, I find myself really…not myself in this relationship. Normally I am sweet, fun, flirty, and very affectionate. I tend to get close to people quickly.

This hasn’t happened with the new guy.

I like him a lot, he’s a very sweet guy and nothing like the last prick I dated. I just find myself not caring if he calls me, not caring if he wants to see me, and not caring about…him in general.

I feel so numb from my last relationship that I don’t give a shit if I get close to this guy. I really, really want to give a shit, though. I want to be my old self. I want to let my guard down. But I feel like the last guy broke my heart so bad that it can’t even function.

I’m way too young to even be in this situation. Aunt Becky, what the flying fuck do I do?!

Much love,

Lauren

Aw, sweetie, I’m sorry you got your heart trampled on. Same thing happened to me at that age and I STILL remember driving away from his house sobbing like a baby (aside: I am not sure I have a heart anymore, but that is neither here nor there). When we fall, we fall hard, huh?

Anyway, that’s a good thing that you can love so deeply, even if it hurts now. Sometimes, we need time to get over the people we loved before we can let ourselves open up to someone new. It sounds to Your Aunt Becky like your heart is still hurting from the one who broke your heart before and that’s okay. There’s no time limit on the length of time it takes to get over something like that.

I think the people we loved are always a part of us even when we’re no longer together.

That love you had changed who you were forever. Maybe for now, you’re a little more wary of opening up to someone new, but I promise, you will be able to love someone again. Just give yourself time to mourn what you lost before expecting yourself to bounce right back.

Love you, Prankster. Hard.

Dear Aunt Becky,

In the few months I’ve been following your blog, I’ve tried to come up with a suitable question for you. Unfortunately my mind seems to be stuck on a single question and until I ask it, I’m not going to be able to think of another. So, would you rather watch a porno with your parents, or one starring them?

Mystern

The answer is simple, my good friend: mayonnaise.

—————

As always, Pranksters, please fill in with the comments where I left off, yo.

Hi Aunt Becky,
My fiance and I are planning on getting married in a little over a year, but with relocation, finding jobs after school, and a bunch of other things going on in our lives right now we have yet to plan a single detail.

It’s getting to be about that time to book churches, reception halls, and figure out colors or whatever (my sister is good at the planning so I’m passing it all off onto her).  The problem is, I just started a job that is going to be able to pay my monthly bills and that’s it, and my fiance is still unemployed.

Here’s the kicker: He wants a big wedding with a DJ, food for people (a main meal and drunkie snacks at the end of the night) and other wild things that we just can’t afford without taking on more debt.  I think we should just invite our guests down to the Church reception hall for coffee and cake after the ceremony and be done with it.  I really don’t want to spend a ton of money on one day when we could be putting it toward a house or a kick ass honeymoon.

Help please!

-Unhappy Planner

Oh, my Unhappy Planner Prankster, how I empathize with you entirely, because Your Aunt Becky is SO not a wedding person. I’m very much a PARTY person, but not at all a wedding person. I’m the chuck-it-all-and-go-to-Vegas-and-get-married-by-Elvis-kind-of-girl, actually, but you know, apparently that’s not en vogue or something.

So here’s what my advice is to ALL of those out there planning weddings: this is your first step as a soon-to-be married couple in what marriage is all about: compromise.

I suggest you each make a list of what it is that you want in your ideal wedding without input from the other person. Then, add an approximate cost associated with each item. After that, rank each item from order from most to least important.

THEN, regroup and have a real discussion about what you can combine to make this work for you both.

Marriage is a partnership and nowhere is that going to be more evident than now. So I suggest you start getting accustomed to thinking like a twosome now. Two is the new one, you know.

Good luck, Prankster.

(for the record, I’d do Vegas)

Dear Aunt Becky,

I am turning 21 on July 21st. I really want to go out for my birthday. I don’t even want to drink- I just want to go dancing. Here’s the kicker. I am going to be 29 weeks pregnant on my birthday. And, as bad as I want to go dancing, I don’t want to deal with the fucktards that are going to be giving me the stink-eye the whole time I am there. It’s not like I am massively huge pregnant either, I have only gained 4 pounds, and I don’t have this raging prego belly, just a little bump.

So, Aunt Becky, does being pregnant mean I have to sit at home and act like I am dead because I have this thing growing in my stomach? Or can I go out and shake my ass?!? I mean, I am just pregnant, not dead!

Aw, Prankster, I missed answering this one in time for your birthday and I’m sorry. Happy Birthday, belatedly, my friend.

So, should you go out and celebrate on your 21st birthday while pregnant? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! I was a whopping 37 weeks pregnant (or perhaps 48 weeks?) with Ben when I turned 21, and you bet your ass I walked into that liquor store and bought a bottle of champagne with my brand new driver’s license.

Why?

BECAUSE I COULD.

Then, I waddled my sorry ass home and went to bed. Of course, I didn’t DRINK any of it or anything, but I just did it because I had to.

And frankly, anyone who thinks that pregnant women should stay home with their feet up resting and watching TLC, hiding from the world, should be beaten about the head. If you want to go dancing on your birthday, baby, you shake that ass.

I’ll never forget back when I was a bartender, this very pregnant lady came in and ordered a non-alcoholic beer for herself. The bottle does, of course, look like, well, a BEER bottle, and the bar was bumping. That poor woman got SO many dirty looks that I eventually had to start stepping in and fending people off of her.

It’s bad enough to be hugely pregnant. If the woman wants to drink a non-alcoholic (blech) beer, let the damn woman do it (and yes, I know it has a tiny bit of alcohol in it. She had ONE).

So I hope you shook that ass and had a great birthday, Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I did not grow up with a gun in the house. It was never like an “oooh guns are scary” type of thing, they just were never a part of my life. And frankly, I’ve just never cared for the thought of one around.

My boyfriend on the other hand, has always had guns in the house. He competitively shot as a teen, and his father collects them.

Now basically he has just the one side arm that he keeps in his nightstand, unloaded, with the ammo far from it. He’s not an irresponsible gun owner in any way. But still the gun bothers me. He says its just for protection, that it helps make him feel safe. That there’s nothing for me to worry about, and still, I worry.

I know he won’t just get rid of it because I want him to, and I really don’t have a good reason other than it bothers me. How do I get over this? Should I just get over it?
It’s not a pressing issue, as we don’t live together at the moment, but we’re planning on getting married, and moving in with him means moving in with it…

Sincerely,
Annie Get Your Gun

Oh Annie, I so get where you’re coming from because my hippie parents wouldn’t ALLOW us guns of any sorts. Not even SQUIRT guns until I was much, much older (I wasn’t allowed Barbies either, which probably explains my personality a lot more, too).

So I’m actually a little afraid of them. Okay, I’m a lot afraid of them. And it’s a stupid fear, honestly.

But what I need to do, and what YOU need to do is to do something about it.

A gun is an inanimate object that can’t physically JUMP UP and hurt you, right?

So I think that first you should talk to your boyfriend about your fears about the gun. Then, maybe you should have him take you shooting, just so you learn how to use it. Clearly, he’s no amateur and isn’t going to be unsafe with it, so I’d trust that he knows what he’s doing. If you’re going to move in with him, you need to be comfortable with him and with his hobby and lifestyle.

Or, of course, not, if that’s a deal breaker for you.

And as for me, I need to confront this and learn how to shoot a damn gun.

Good luck to you, Annie.

Sometimes, Pranksters, even Your Aunt Becky likes to take a couple of moments to pull her head out of her bejeweled ass to do some good in the world. Today is one of those days. I’m simply going to direct you to Save The Children, a charity that is trying to help local health workers bring basic first aid and health care to children around the world.

Every four seconds, a child survives THANKS to the health care provided by local health workers on the front lines.

Using our blogs, our facebook profiles, and our Twitter accounts, we can help Save The Children get the word out about this campaign. Throw up the badge, visit the site, see what you can do to help. You don’t have to pull out your wallet to help.

As a nurse, a member of the local medical reserve corp (stop gasping in fear, Pranksters, I won’t accidentally give you vodka rather than normal saline!), and a future traveling health worker, I can think of no cause I’d rather get behind.

<a href=”http://goodgoes.savethechildren.org/r/goodgoes?r=badge200″ target=”_new”><img src=”http://goodgoes.savethechildren.org/assets/goodGoesBadge.gif” border=”0″ alt=”GoodGoes.org”></a>

(that’s the code for the badge, display it with pride!)

Let’s do what we can.

Dear Aunt Becky,

So, I did something awesome today. I paid off the remainder of my unsecured rediculous debt (yeah me!)

I am so overjoyed.

… and I feel like humping my own leg.

My question, aunt becky, because you are so FULL OF THE AWE and a little bit of the SOME (AWESOME!) How do YOU keep from humping your own mother humping leg all the time?? Ya know, besides it’s physically impossible?

More importantly, how to reward yourself for something so cool without going out and spending money??? HMMM???

Now YOU are so full of the awesome that I’m here humping your leg from Chicago, which means that you either have insanely long legs or I have a very, very bendable crotch which is probably the grossest image ever so let’s move on, shall we?

Congrats, you! That’s a huge responsible thing to do and I’m super proud of you.

Clearly celebrating by going out and blowing a fistful of cash on stuff isn’t smart–even though it’s fun–so maybe you should go do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Give a concert for the homeless (snort!) or do some crossword puzzles (double snort!).

Sorry, I always hate those lists of things that “you can do while NOT spending money!!” because they always sound hokey to me. Not that they always ARE hokey, just that they SOUND that way. Taking a walk is nice, but when you’re all, “Strolling through the park on a spring day,” suddenly you’re in a Nicholas Spark novel and I’m vomiting in the corner.

So, if I were you, and you were as compulsive as I am *ahem* I’d pick some projects around the house to do that give you some sense of satisfaction. Clean your closets and purge the hell out of your basement. Or come to my house and give me a hand doing it. I’m swamped.

Bottom line: projects are an excellent distraction until you get used to not swiping that credit card all of the time. So long as they’re not like “take up scrapbooking” which is hella expensive (what the fuck?).

And if you’re still stumped, like I said, COME ON OVER AND HELP ME OUT.

Dear Aunt Becky,

About three weeks ago, I left my jerk of a husband a note telling him I was filing for divorce. Why a note, you ask? Because if I hadn’t, there was sure to be a scene. And he hasn’t let me finish a thought or a sentence in years. Anything on my heart was dismissed, ignored or argued with. (Sadly, there are two small children involved. So I’ve held on so long for them and for what!)

I wonder, if he hadn’t been so emotionally unavailable and such an ass all these years, would I still feel the same? I don’t think so. I don’t think I would have ever left. But would I have been in love? I don’t know that either. They (whoever they is) say that love grows over time and that love has its seasons – its ups and downs. And they say (again, who the hell) that when all is said and done at the end of the road, who you end up with after all the years is what matters most. I am not sure who that would have been for either him or me. Of course, I don’t have a crystal ball and there is no way I would have known, but I am not sure I would have been ME.

What I am doing now is trying to find myself (so cliché, but damn. So true!). I am just having such a hard time with this. I don’t want to be married to him. But I don’t want to be married at all. I know it’s probably still so fresh and I am still so raw. So I know I should give it some time.

While I have all these conflicting feelings, I do still want to be close to a man. I want to feel that desire and fulfillment. I think I now understand why some women in my position just go nuts and screw their brains out. I’m not that kind of girl, but I feel like I could be.

I think I am learning that I am a very loving person. And it’s soooo hard to be going through this and feeling this near-hate for the man I’ve been married to and supposedly in love with for years.

Do I need to just get this out of my system? Is this normal? Should Jesus be my husband for a while? I’ve always been annoyed at women who say that. Should I be chaste? Should I just get a boy toy for a while? I don’t think I have it in me to do either. Dr. Feelgood, what do I do?

Aw, Prankster, I’m so sorry. It’s hard when the relationship is insidiously difficult and there isn’t a simple explanation to why things were so hard. It sounds like you’re making some positive decisions for yourself now.

But you’re spinning.

So take a deep breath. Finding yourself is no easy task. You’re not hidden under a bed or around the corner and it’s not as easy as just snapping your fingers and wishing it was all better (trust me on this).

You’re on the right path, but you need to just step back and start living again. Start by breathing slowly, finding the joy in small things, and taking care of yourself one small thing at a time. It’s in those small places you’ll find yourself.

The beauty of it all is that you don’t HAVE to make up your mind as to whether or not you want a new relationship right now. Rushing into anything right now is a bad, bad idea, because it’s just too soon. These fresh wounds need to heal and you need to focus on you for awhile without having the pressure of any other adult to care for.

In time, you’ll know what you want, and you’ll be able to find it. But just remember to breathe and take care of yourself. There’s no rush.

Much love.

Hi Aunt Becky!

My husband and I have found out that we are expecting a baby in October after 2 years of trying… I have had my first appointment with my Dr. and my husband and I are super excited! We are getting LOTS of advice and opinions that we haven’t asked for though. We have decided that we are going with a doctor instead of a mid-wife, are not going to baptize the baby, and have made other decisions that my in-laws and family aren’t comfortable with.

His family is into all-natural shit (to the point of not even listening to doctors which is where the advice comes is.. “oh your Dr. said that? No, you should do this instead!!”) and is super religious and mine is just religious and thinks that you are going to Hell if you aren’t baptized… How can we tell them to, you know, leave us the fuck alone to raise our child the way we want to??

Love,

Excited To Be A Mommy!

Well, first things first, Prankster +1, and let me say, CONGRATS! I’m so excited to hear that you’re having a baby, especially since it’s not mine. Because HELLO AWKWARD. Can’t wait to hear more about my new niece or nephew come October.

So, you’re running into the same thing all of us parents do: The Unwanted Advice-Givers. From “that baby needs to be wearing shoes!!!” to “your baby is going to HELL!!!!” you know you’re a parent when people start telling you your business.

Let me offer you a sympathetic cup of (decaf) tea and all of my deepest condolences for this introduction to parenting because it’s not going to stop. Ever. It’s as much a part of parenting as wiping butts and hemorrhoids.

My advice is this: you cannot control what other people will tell you about your children. You CAN control how you react to it. ALL new parents are FURIOUS by the unwanted advice. Rightly so, I should add.

By the second or third kid, you simply stop hearing it.

Why? Because it’s not fucking worth it to your sanity.

I’m pretty sure my mother thinks I’m a shitty mom. My mother-in-law does too. Frankly, they can both eat a hot bowl of dicks for all I give a fuck.

But I used to be outraged by it.

So my advice is to simply smile, nod, and turn the other cheek. Opinions are like assholes (presumably because everyone’s got one) and this is YOUR kid, not theirs. You can kindly tell them to shove their opinion up their puckered pooper with your words, or you can just ignore them. Or some combination of both.

But you are going to have to get used to it. And I’m sorry, because it IS annoying as hell.

Good luck, Prankster +1.

Dear Becky,

I’m in a curious doubt here. I’m the mother of a wonderful 3 years-old girl. I’ve never wanted a lot of kids. I did not enjoy being pregnant.
On the other side, all my girlfriends are having their second babies, and they look sooo cute. And I’m 33.

The question is: I went to my doctor, and asked to change my birth control method (from condoms to pills). Then I decided (by myself) to come back to using a diaphragm.
Am I trying to get pregnant or am I scared of getting pregnant? I REALLY can’t figure that one out… Pleeeease help me!

Well, Prankster, I’m not much of tie-breaker here, but what it SOUNDS like to me is that you feel like you SHOULD want a second baby because that’s what everyone else is doing. Which makes sense. Babies are squishy and cute and stuff. Baby envy is common.

But I’d take a long hard look at your motivation before you go throwing condoms out of the window just because. Trust me when I say that two is a FUCK of a lot more than one. For serious. And there’s not a damn thing wrong with a singleton. I promise.

Aunt Becky,

It seems I’ve come across a situation that even my vast problem-solving skills can’t solve. All the pro-con lists haven’t helped. I’ve asked therapists, I’ve asked my family and most of my friends and now I’m coming to you, ’cause Becky…I’m lost.

I’m a single mother of a beautiful 21 month old daughter. Her father and I split up about a year ago and though our relationship is still friendly, I don’t know what to do about a very glaring and disconcerting fact: he’s an alcoholic.

He pops in and out of our lives with no patterns or modicum of reliability. He can’t keep a job, he can’t finish school; he’s 22 years old and already falling apart. He’s not allowed to be alone with our child, but I just don’t know whether to cut him out of her life entirely.

I really don’t want her first memories to be of her drunk of a father, but I don’t want to give up on him either. I juggle being a young mom of a young child and finishing my senior year of nursing school. I have enough on my plate and I don’t want to have to be dealing with this drama as well. I just don’t know how to deal with him; no answer feels right. My daughter is my world and I love her more than anything so I need to make sure I’m doing the right thing for her. Whatever that is.

–Amber (Who is not witty)

Oh Amber, my heart hurts. My heart just hurts for you. I’m so sorry.

As the daughter of two alcoholics, the baby momma of a semi-unreliable daddy and the wife of a workaholic, I will try my best to answer this. I will also ask my Pranksters to answer this. I know that a lot of them have experience with this, too, and honestly, there is no “right” answer. It’s a shitty situation. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I don’t think that your daughter’s father is in any place to be a responsible parent right now, and I don’t know that being around him will do your daughter any good. Now that I’m finally dealing with all of the bullshit that I was taught by my parents–when they weren’t “teaching” me anything–I see just how much they destroyed of my childhood.

I can’t get that back. I’ve spent many years forgiving them so that I don’t carry the anger around like a noose around my neck, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t give both of my legs to get a redo on my childhood. I don’t want that baggage, I don’t want these scars, and I don’t think that I could counsel someone to willingly allow that sort of negativity around their child; parent or no.

Kids need consistency, they need normalcy, and they need routine, especially as they get older. You can throw a toddler into an unfamiliar situation and they’ll adapt, but the older a child gets, the harder it is, and the worse it will be for them when the situation unravels.

I don’t think that you have to give up on him as a person, and trust me, I know how awful it is to watch someone swirl the tubes, but you can’t let him drag you and your daughter down. You can’t change an alcoholic. Period.

Before my father was in recovery, our relationship was incredibly volatile. He’d badger me, belittle me, and eventually, I’d leave in tears. I was 26 years old (I am 29 now). As a child, he was the only one who cared about me. As an adult, he seemed to hate me.

I was about to cut him out of my life (before he went into recovery), and the lives of my children, because I could not, as their mother, allow my children to see their grandfather to treat me like an asshole. What was I teaching them by doing that?

This is precisely what I told Daver about the workaholism.

I cannot, in good conscience, teach my children by proxy, lessons that I don’t want them to learn when they are small. There are plenty of times for them to be hurt, disappointed, and left crying. This is not the time for it.

I think that perhaps you need to think about it from that perspective.

And Amber, I do wish you the best. You deserve it. I’m sorry things are so hard right now and I hope that it gets better for you soon. There’s a big fat “EMAIL AUNT BECKY” button on my sidebar. You can use it any time.

————————

Pranksters, as always, please fill in where I left off in the comments.

Aunt Becky out.

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Funniest Blog, tomorrow’s the last day to vote!

My best friend has depression.  Not currently controlled by medication level depression. Evil, soul-sucking Dementor-level, capital D, Depression.  Besides listening, and being there for her (which I am trying to do, & hope I am doing enough of), how else can I help?

I’ve never had depression myself, so I feel completely incompetent here, and all of the “advice” I’ve gotten so far is in the “just be there” vein.  I’m HERE, but she doesn’t exactly always want me here.  I’m listening, but she’s sick of talking.  Any advice – from you or your pranksters – would be much appreciated.

Depression is a dog from hell.

I’m a sufferer myself, so all I can say is that you have to remember that depression changes how we feel about the smallest things fundamentally — when I’m depressed, I look at a computer and sigh and feel like it’s draining me just to think about it. When I’m not, I passionately solve problems with technology; it’s my job!

The same thing goes for my feelings about interacting with people. I will disappear into a hole, reading Twitter and — get this — desperately wishing that someone would notice how lonely and crappy I feel and reach out to me. But I don’t say a word. And if someone DOES reach out I probably wouldn’t respond except to claim that everything’s all right. It’s completely irrational and stupid. But that’s what depression does! And it’s self-fulfilling once it gets a hold of you.

So the important thing is, does she recognize her symptoms? Is she seeking treatment, and it just isn’t quite enough yet? Or is she denying it?

If she’s getting treatment, then all you can do is encourage her to stick with it. Sometimes it can take years to work out the right balance, but if she goes off her meds or skips therapy sessions then try to help get her back on the horse.

If not, then encourage her to get help. I can’t stress this enough: it took a LOT of gentle nudges and convincing to get me to go, but I’ve had a lot of good years thanks to it.

And here I lean on the Pranksters for further advice!

————

Aunt Becky, my love

I often randomly IM you on AIM and ask you little questions, or just talk about little nonsensical things with you. I understand you have children and as much as I would enjoy having a chance to just sit down and talk with you one on one, I realize you need to tend to their needs, your needs, and your 8 million plus Orchids’ needs.

I just read your Go Ask Aunt Becky about the woman who has depression. I am definitely feeling a bit of the same. I can’t snap out of it.

I was on antidepressants for a year, but I hated them, they actually made me miserable. I had quit taking the antidepressants (had a major crash) and quit taking my birthcontrol as well. I figured ingesting so many hormones was just fucking with me.

I felt a hell of a lot better afterwards. For about a month.

I am, in fact, more cheerful and much happier at home and with my relationship. I usually have no problems getting off my buttocks and going to the store or cleaning the house but, and there’s always a but! (heh heh..butt)

I cannot, for the life of me, get the motivation to go to school.

I go to a vocational school to learn to cut hair. So, basically I’m paying about 10k to work for free. I enjoy the work itself.

I love cutting hair, coloring it, styling it, etc. I just hate the people there.

My “coworkers”/”classmates”, the teachers. It’s like being in highschool s that one word or two?) all over again. We’re supposed to have theory on Wednesday and Thursday mornings. I stopped going a long time ago because it was just 3 hours of gossip. Talking about the students not there, mocking them, laughing at how they can’t do something.

I should point out that they’re speaking in a language I am not fluent in. I do understand what they’re saying, although I make it seem that I am clueless and stupid.

They’re very racist towards me. Most of the people I have met are racist towards anyone of a different nationality. If you are not fluent in the language, they are even more racist towards you.

It’s common that you meet someone at the bar and you’re a tourist or you’re not native, the first thing they ask you is “Why are you here” and then they ask you “When are you leaving?”

It’s happened to me on many occasions. I am even a citizen here, and it makes me crazy.
It’s horribly depressing and I just don’t know what to do anymore. My husband is worried about me and my father is being a dick. I have no idea how to handle this situation in a way that is socially acceptable.

If I’m lucky, I get to move back to the USA by the end of this year, but there are no certainties. I have nothing definite to look forward to to ease my troubles.

I’ve considered going to see a shrink, just to have someone to talk to about all of it. I just have an issue of having these expectations of said shrink. For instance I want them to ask me questions, talk to me, tell me what they think, see if they have advice to help me target these feelings.

I’m not sure if I am angry or if I am depressed.

I’m rambling and confused. I do get enraged over small, stupid little things. To the point of wanting to throw a bottle of bourbon through the funeral parlor window… (I hope you get the reference).

What do I do!?

-Gone to HEL

Dear Gone to HEL,

Firstly, let me just say that being frustrated and put off by gossiping racist fuckhead morons seems like a pretty reasonable reaction to your situation. I used to work in an office which was a lot more like a frat house than an office, including hazing and all the other BS.

At first, I thought that it was just a job and I would just ignore the antics and get the experience I wanted…but after a while I found myself straddling a fence: I wasn’t participating in the antics so I wasn’t respected and not included in the decisions I should have been. So I’d participate some, but then I felt I was betraying my own values. It wore me down and plunged me into the worst depressive time in my life.

I eventually quit and found another job, but I also got help for my depression. In doing so, I was able to make better decisions about what I wanted, and I was able to find a job a really liked — I have been there ever since.

So — step one: get through the depression symptoms. Once you can think about it clearly, then you can take a look at whether this school or career choice is right for you; perhaps this is only a step to tide you over until you find what you really want to do. But the important thing is to take a step. If the therapist isn’t what you wanted, try another one; if you had a bad reaction to one drug, try another. Doing nothing will feel much worse.

————-

I am 27 and I have been in two real relationships.  I’ve dated here and there but these two relationships were the serious ones.  Both lasted around three years.  The problem with this is they were both highly abusive relationships.  My partners were brilliant people but also mean, angry, and negative.  I spent most of both of those relationships being told what to do and paying high emotional and sometimes physical consequences for it.

I have taken almost a year off of having a serious relationship and have recently started to really fall for a guy.  There are many things that are different even at the beginning of the relationship.  He asks my opinions and seems to want to hear the answers.  He doesn’t push me when I don’t agree with him.  He has a career and future goals.  Really, he seems much different than my previous partners.

And I am different now.  I have been going to therapy and taking medications and doing all the things that are supposed to make you a better decision maker.

I can’t shake that I was the common denominator in my previous relationships though.  I don’t think I caused them to act the way they did but I let them.  I stayed for years in relationships that literally almost killed me.  How do I trust my judgment now and can I even actually trust my judgment at this point?  How do I know that this guy doesn’t suck just as much as my last two partners?

—

Okay, so look: the fact is, you simply won’t know for sure. But you DO know what you went through those last times, and you know that you don’t want to go through it again, right? So make yourself a promise RIGHT NOW: you will not stand for a mean, angry, negative person in your life.

If things change with this guy, if you see it going down that road, then you turn right around and walk out that door. As I said in my earlier response, depression makes you irrational, and it makes it seem so much easier to deal with what you already are dealing with than to make an unknown change — and THAT is likely to be more the common denominator than you as a person.

So, it sounds like this guy has some qualities that show he is deserving of a chance — I’d say the best thing you can do to be more confident in your judgment is to exercise it! Tread lightly, build the core friendship that a good relationship is founded on, and enjoy yourself.

Today is today, and you are more aware, and you deserve to be with someone who treats you well. Don’t let the past hold you back, but don’t lose the lessons you learned from it either. Stick with your meds and your therapy, and just remember to never again compromise yourself the way you did in the past. I wish you luck!

———

And if you want to vote for Your Aunt Becky, who I graciously nominated for Funniest Blogger, you can do so here. Voting is once per day per person until July 11.