Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Hi Aunt Becky,
My fiance and I are planning on getting married in a little over a year, but with relocation, finding jobs after school, and a bunch of other things going on in our lives right now we have yet to plan a single detail.

It’s getting to be about that time to book churches, reception halls, and figure out colors or whatever (my sister is good at the planning so I’m passing it all off onto her).  The problem is, I just started a job that is going to be able to pay my monthly bills and that’s it, and my fiance is still unemployed.

Here’s the kicker: He wants a big wedding with a DJ, food for people (a main meal and drunkie snacks at the end of the night) and other wild things that we just can’t afford without taking on more debt.  I think we should just invite our guests down to the Church reception hall for coffee and cake after the ceremony and be done with it.  I really don’t want to spend a ton of money on one day when we could be putting it toward a house or a kick ass honeymoon.

Help please!

-Unhappy Planner

Oh, my Unhappy Planner Prankster, how I empathize with you entirely, because Your Aunt Becky is SO not a wedding person. I’m very much a PARTY person, but not at all a wedding person. I’m the chuck-it-all-and-go-to-Vegas-and-get-married-by-Elvis-kind-of-girl, actually, but you know, apparently that’s not en vogue or something.

So here’s what my advice is to ALL of those out there planning weddings: this is your first step as a soon-to-be married couple in what marriage is all about: compromise.

I suggest you each make a list of what it is that you want in your ideal wedding without input from the other person. Then, add an approximate cost associated with each item. After that, rank each item from order from most to least important.

THEN, regroup and have a real discussion about what you can combine to make this work for you both.

Marriage is a partnership and nowhere is that going to be more evident than now. So I suggest you start getting accustomed to thinking like a twosome now. Two is the new one, you know.

Good luck, Prankster.

(for the record, I’d do Vegas)

Dear Aunt Becky,

I am turning 21 on July 21st. I really want to go out for my birthday. I don’t even want to drink- I just want to go dancing. Here’s the kicker. I am going to be 29 weeks pregnant on my birthday. And, as bad as I want to go dancing, I don’t want to deal with the fucktards that are going to be giving me the stink-eye the whole time I am there. It’s not like I am massively huge pregnant either, I have only gained 4 pounds, and I don’t have this raging prego belly, just a little bump.

So, Aunt Becky, does being pregnant mean I have to sit at home and act like I am dead because I have this thing growing in my stomach? Or can I go out and shake my ass?!? I mean, I am just pregnant, not dead!

Aw, Prankster, I missed answering this one in time for your birthday and I’m sorry. Happy Birthday, belatedly, my friend.

So, should you go out and celebrate on your 21st birthday while pregnant? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! I was a whopping 37 weeks pregnant (or perhaps 48 weeks?) with Ben when I turned 21, and you bet your ass I walked into that liquor store and bought a bottle of champagne with my brand new driver’s license.



Then, I waddled my sorry ass home and went to bed. Of course, I didn’t DRINK any of it or anything, but I just did it because I had to.

And frankly, anyone who thinks that pregnant women should stay home with their feet up resting and watching TLC, hiding from the world, should be beaten about the head. If you want to go dancing on your birthday, baby, you shake that ass.

I’ll never forget back when I was a bartender, this very pregnant lady came in and ordered a non-alcoholic beer for herself. The bottle does, of course, look like, well, a BEER bottle, and the bar was bumping. That poor woman got SO many dirty looks that I eventually had to start stepping in and fending people off of her.

It’s bad enough to be hugely pregnant. If the woman wants to drink a non-alcoholic (blech) beer, let the damn woman do it (and yes, I know it has a tiny bit of alcohol in it. She had ONE).

So I hope you shook that ass and had a great birthday, Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I did not grow up with a gun in the house. It was never like an “oooh guns are scary” type of thing, they just were never a part of my life. And frankly, I’ve just never cared for the thought of one around.

My boyfriend on the other hand, has always had guns in the house. He competitively shot as a teen, and his father collects them.

Now basically he has just the one side arm that he keeps in his nightstand, unloaded, with the ammo far from it. He’s not an irresponsible gun owner in any way. But still the gun bothers me. He says its just for protection, that it helps make him feel safe. That there’s nothing for me to worry about, and still, I worry.

I know he won’t just get rid of it because I want him to, and I really don’t have a good reason other than it bothers me. How do I get over this? Should I just get over it?
It’s not a pressing issue, as we don’t live together at the moment, but we’re planning on getting married, and moving in with him means moving in with it…

Annie Get Your Gun

Oh Annie, I so get where you’re coming from because my hippie parents wouldn’t ALLOW us guns of any sorts. Not even SQUIRT guns until I was much, much older (I wasn’t allowed Barbies either, which probably explains my personality a lot more, too).

So I’m actually a little afraid of them. Okay, I’m a lot afraid of them. And it’s a stupid fear, honestly.

But what I need to do, and what YOU need to do is to do something about it.

A gun is an inanimate object that can’t physically JUMP UP and hurt you, right?

So I think that first you should talk to your boyfriend about your fears about the gun. Then, maybe you should have him take you shooting, just so you learn how to use it. Clearly, he’s no amateur and isn’t going to be unsafe with it, so I’d trust that he knows what he’s doing. If you’re going to move in with him, you need to be comfortable with him and with his hobby and lifestyle.

Or, of course, not, if that’s a deal breaker for you.

And as for me, I need to confront this and learn how to shoot a damn gun.

Good luck to you, Annie.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
39 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On July 25th, 2010 at 1:04 am Katherine Says:

    Um, why would you have an unloaded gun in your nightstand for protection? That doesn’t make any sense! It’s not like danger’s gonna wait while you load it!

    I also grew up in a house were we were not allowed guns as toys but for a very different reason. My parents have guns, and it’s a safety thing. Guns are NOT toys, and they didn’t give us any toys to make sure it was crystal clear. We did get squirt guns but they were as un-gun like as possible. But they took us out starting at about 7 or 8 and started teaching us the basics of shooting safety. So I’m very comfortable with guns, and now that I live alone, have one for protection in my nightstand and damn straight that it’s loaded.

    And funnily enough, I don’t live in like Texas, or some big gun state, I live in San Diego, and grew up in Southern CA…

    But, yeah, get him to take you to a range and check it out. A respect for guns is a good thing. You might end up really liking it. I take my friends out, and now we’ve got a group that goes desert target shooting pretty regularly. One of them even ended up marrying a gun nut, and now we’re all learning to shoot skeet. Same goes for you Aunt Becky!!

  2. On July 25th, 2010 at 1:45 am Lynette Says:

    Man, we totally had a party in the park, and brought a stereo with our own music mix for our wedding. And I made BEER. It was AWESOME.

    Also, geez, ONE DRINK isn’t going to hurt. It’s the constant, steady abuse of alcohol that causes problems. People need to lighten the f*** up.

  3. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That sounds like a great wedding, duder. Seriously. I’d go to that one.

  4. On July 25th, 2010 at 7:33 am Gunfighter Says:

    Wow. Can I field this one, Becky?

    Annie, I am a professional tactical firearms instructor… which is to say that I teach people how to fight with a variety of weapons. I would like to tell you, first thing, that aving guns in the house doesn’t make you safe. I’ll say that again. Having guns in the house DOESN’T make you safe… it makes you FEEL safe, and those are two very different things.

    That your boyfriend keeps his gun unloaded is the preogative of a wise gun owner. Unless you are living at a forward combat base in Afghanistan or an EXCEPTIONALLY rough neighborhood, that likelyhood of having to pull out a pistol and fight off an attacker from your bed isn’t all that high.

    Your discomfort is reasonable, as the proximity of guns isn’t something that is in your normal realm of existance… so I would suggest that you talk to your boyfriend… and then seek some training for yourself… but have someone else teach you. Boyfriends, no matter how experienced, don’t always make the best teachers… and don’t get any training from “your buddy down the street who is a local cop”, because most cops can’t shoot worth a crap, and I should know, because I work with them every day.

    If you have any uestions on the subject, I would be glad to help.

  5. On July 25th, 2010 at 9:48 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yes, Gunfighter is TOTALLY the authority here, Annie. I would TOTALLY listen to him.

  6. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:39 am Melissa Says:

    Amen, my ex-husband is a cop, and I happened to google him last night, which may or may not be weird, I will go with not weird, cuz I like google.

    He was an ex-marine (FORMER MARINE LEST HE COME AFTER ME)

    He IS a cop, ironically in charge of domestic abuse right now apparently.

    I have had a bullet graze my head over burnt pizza, then when I insisted that gun be unloaded BEFORE he comes into the house had a bullet go through my hair. Just because he thought it was funny. You know, because that is just a fucking riot.

    I should have known better. When we were merely dating I mentioned I hated motorcycles. I got a motorcycle as a gift for my birthday. When he became a cop, and KNEW I hated guns (for a very good reason), he would flaunt his at all times, and NOT put it in the safe. He even bought me one, which I never even touched.

  7. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:54 am Melissa Says:

    The likelyhood of getting shot (or shot at) is also very high if you have a gun in the house.

    And yes, cops suck at shooting, which is fortunate for me. Guns in the home statistically make you UNSAFE!

  8. On July 26th, 2010 at 6:23 am JamieH Says:

    I have to stick up for some cops here! My hubby is a cop and while a lot of them do suck NOT ALL of them do! He is one of the top shooters in the state (that we live in) and has been recognized for it… He is incredibly safe with guns and has taught me how to defend myself (I have also taken classes), he has also trained with different methods of self-defense and doesn’t rely on his gun as the ONLY means of stopping someone… A lot of the people he works with though, do suck at shooting and as his wife when he needs back-up in a situation where they might have to be used, that does scare the crap out of me because THEY rely on the gun or the taser too much… We do keep a couple of guns (his off-duty carry and his on duty) loaded in the house… We keep them out of reach of children but where I can get to it. At any given time there are at least 5 more UNloaded in our house, they are a combination of rifles and hand guns. I do not feel that because I have a gun I am safe, but at least I’m not defenseless either.
    Melissa I am sorry that your ex was a douche, but not all cops are unsafe assholes! It’s officers like him that give cops a bad name and that makes me sad.
    Annie, I think if you took some classes and had your boyfriend teach you, you would feel more comfortable with it.

  9. On July 26th, 2010 at 9:44 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I happen to love cops, too. So yes count me in on the GO COPS crowd. Because I’ve met some awesome cops in my day.

  10. On July 25th, 2010 at 7:48 am Val Says:

    By all means go out and enjoy yourself while pregnant. I don’t think you should drink/smoke/do drugs, etc, but exercise (dancing) is recommended! Since we don’t live under the Taliban, and pregnancy is not some communicable disease, go out and be as active as you feel able to be.

    We have guns in the house. Our situation is different because we have small kids in the house. Ours are locked up, with trigger locks as well, and the ammo is kept locked somewhere else. We don’t consider them to be for ready self protection. Catherine is right, the only way to get comfortable is to shoot with guidance. I actually enjoy it quite a bit, and women tend to naturally be good shots. Enjoy!

  11. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Well said! Pregnancy is NOT a communicable disease. EXACTLY.

  12. On July 26th, 2010 at 9:43 am Gunfighter Says:

    Women aren’t naturally good shooters.

    Women, however are usually much better students than men, because they don’t equate firearms with their sexuality, as many men do. When I am training a woman the has no previous experience with firearms, she tends to listen and has a healthy amount of fear/respect for what guns cabn do when used improperly.

  13. On July 25th, 2010 at 9:16 am Jerseygirl89 Says:

    Make your fiance watch a Bridezillas marathon and see if that helps mellow his wedding plans a bit.

    Pregnant women should go dancing and do whatever the hell else they want that won’t harm the baby because pretty soon they’ll be too exhausted to dance.

    We only have antique guns in the house, but even they freaked me out at first. It was unfamiliarity, plain and simple. I agree with all the advice about learning about them.

  14. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bridezillas makes me want to sew my vagina shut.

  15. On July 25th, 2010 at 9:17 am Jennifer B Says:

    Unhappy planner – AB is totally right, make your lists and try for compromise. Birthday girl, of COURSE you should dance, pregnant or not. I have been pregnant twice, and both times, I was out there shakin it until about a week before I gave birth. There is nothing against dancing while pregnant, it’s great exercise!!! Just because there’s music involved doesn’t make it bad. Annie, again, I’m with AB. Learn more before making any decisions. Good luck!

  16. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Compromise = marriage. Period.

  17. On July 25th, 2010 at 9:26 am melanie Says:

    I was also going to chime in, that if guns bother you because they are just in a drawer, perhaps you could compromise and get a safe?? they make smaller safes that use fingerprint technology to open, so you don’t even have to remember a combination if you are in the middle of a scary situation…. just a thought!

  18. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OOH! Good one! I want a fingerprint safe now! (just to have one, though)

  19. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:26 am melanie Says:

    they are expensive, but might be a good compromise…. still quick access but just not laying around.

  20. On July 25th, 2010 at 9:29 am Didactic Pirate Says:

    Aunt Becky, I think you gave the gun worrier the solution in your reply: she should just sneak into her boyfriend’s nightstand, take out the firearm, and replace it with a WATER PISTOL! Possibly a cool green one with a G.I. Joe logo on it! That way, if an intruder breaks into the house, the boyfriend can slooowly reach into the nightstand, draw his weapon, and feel like a big-time macho bad-ass firing a gun like Jason Statham in every movie ever, and that intruder will get a BIG SHOT OF WATER IN THE EYE, and then leave feeling very, very sheepish.

    And as an added bonus, if the intruder is actually the girlfriend coming home late, he won’t have shot her dead. He’ll only have gotten her wet.


  21. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:22 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think we should all just buy more squirt guns. OBVIOUSLY!

  22. On July 25th, 2010 at 11:45 pm Punk Rock Nurse Says:

    and fill them with vodka…..please?

  23. On July 25th, 2010 at 9:49 am Amber El Says:

    Well, I’ve never planned a wedding, so now help from me on number 1.

    As for number 2, when I turned 21, I had an 8 month old at home. I did end up going out, but not without feeling really guilty. (Which could be the subject of a completely different Go Ask Aunt Becky.) I say, go out and celebrate before the baby is born, because after s/he is you’ll be too exhausted! Or if you’re like me, you’ll be too much of a guilt-ridden, I-can’t-leave-my-baby, boring face like me. There’s nothing wrong with dancing and having a good time with your friends, no matter if your 2 months pregnant, 9 months pregnant or a mother of 3. Everybody deserves a social life!

    And number 3, well…I can’t help much there either. Though, I’m in a similar situation with my boyfriend. What with his guns and hunting knives. Mr. Outdoorsman, you know?

  24. On July 25th, 2010 at 10:22 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh the guilt, that NEVER does end, does it? I swear, I’d feel guilty if I was doing everything FOR them or not.


    We need to form a support group for maternal guilt, duder.

  25. On July 25th, 2010 at 11:05 am Mario (Brewed For Thought) Says:

    The dirty looks at the pregnant woman are all a part of this country’s problem of not minding their own business.

    In Ireland and much of the UK through the industrial revolution a

  26. On July 25th, 2010 at 11:22 am Kyddryn Says:

    I didn’t want a huge wedding – I had no budget and no interest in spending money I didn’t have…so I asked a friend to make my dress, told everyone to wear their favorite Renaissance costume or whatever was comfortable, and had the ceremony and a pot-luck reception in my mother’s yard. I even wrote the ceremony, and it took longer to walk down the garden path than it did to say our vows. Hey, there was cake waiting… I don’t see the sense in beggaring yourself for one day and burdening your new life with a load of debt. It may behoove you to find out WHY your fiance wants such a large to-do and to explain clearly why you’d rather be a little less formal and a lot more debt-free. Otherwise, I’m thinkin’ Aunt B has it right – compromise is going to be your friend for (one hopes) a very long time, may as well get into the swing of it now.

    It always cheeses me off when people give me grief over being pregnant and doing…whatever. Don’t lift that box, move the table, bend over to pick something up, drum and dance around the fire until two in the morning. Pfft. I often (tartly) reply that my arms, legs, and back are not pregnant and they still function just fine thankyouverymuch. Also, FYI, doctors now say that as much as a glass of wine a day won’t hurt, and often advise one after an amnio. Really! So yeah, go out and shake what the gods have blessed you with, and that includes your sweet baby bump. If someone has an issue with that…well, it’s their issue and no need to spoil your fun just because they’re glued to the dark ages.

    Guns, ugh. Yes, that’s how I feel about them. I don’t want firearms in my home, because of what they represent TO ME. That said…I’ve lived with firearms in my home. Loaded ones. I know why I don’t like them, but I also know I can handle them if I must. I won’t, but I can…and that’s key, I believe. It’s important to both know whether you can handle one safely, and also where you limits are. Lack of familiarity makes things scarier…so I would suggest learning as much as you are comfortable learning. Let your boyfriend show you how to fire his weapon (that’s what she said! heh…), how to clean it and load it and handle it safely. While you may never be keen on using one, you may find yourself more comfortable having one around…and if not, at least you will have tried.

    Shade and Sweewtater,
    K (who has an opinion and isn’t afraid to use it)

  27. On July 25th, 2010 at 11:24 am David Kay Says:

    My birthday was July 21, too. I turned 60. Obviously never been pregnant. But I went to the beach, and on the way home bought a bottle of “frontier” whiskey. So do whatever the hell you want: you’ll be 60 before you get the chance again.

    From Hollywood to the “to protect and serve” slogan painted on their cars, cops have great PR. It’s horseshit. There’s a drug dealer living to the left of me and a meth lab to the right of me. Police response is non-existent. Get a gun: I did.

  28. On July 25th, 2010 at 11:24 am David Kay Says:

    My birthday was July 21, too. I turned 60. Obviously never been pregnant. But I went to the beach, and on the way home bought a bottle of “frontier” whiskey. So do whatever the hell you want: you’ll be 60 before you get the chance again.

    From Hollywood to the “to protect and serve” slogan painted on their cars, cops have great PR. It’s horseshit. There’s a drug dealer living to the left of me and a meth lab to the right of me. Police response is non-existent. Get a gun: I did.

  29. On July 25th, 2010 at 1:34 pm K Odell Says:

    K sounds like she had a great wedding- I want my (next one -grin) to be potluck and a party. But, for wedding girl- Hubby needs to understand you can’t spend money you don’t have- its a major cause for divorce, money issues are that is. Compromise, good, excellent. But maybe also think about putting off the wedding until you can afford it, or having a big party for an anniversary and having a small wedding or courthouse thing now.

    I was in labor on my 21st birthday! but prior to that, I hung out in bars, went dancing, etc while I was hugely fat pregnant. (Ex)Hubby thought it was so great he had a sober driver- and I loved getting out of the house. If anyone wants to judge- thats their problem.

    I hate guns too. The Ex owns one now because when we camp it’s safer to be protected. But I still hate it.

  30. On July 25th, 2010 at 4:49 pm Emma Says:

    This is such a cultural devide. I’m from England. In the country farmers and a very few landowners have guns, but we are talking about shotguns- for hunting rabbit, pheasant etc. My father and sister bother hunt, but we never had guns in our house. There are laws about them having to be locked away as well. Hand gins are rare. Our normal policemen don’t even carry them. There is some gun crime in a few cities, but as far as families having guns in their home? I don’t know anyone, I don’t think I’d know anyone who who’s anyone who’d have one.
    A gun is a weapon. It is designed to kill. I don’t see why Annie should have to “get used” to them. A fear, uneasiness around a weapon in her bedroom is healthy. Annie- you don’t need to handle guns. If you live in a nice area, chances of someone breaking into your house is low, chances if you being home at the time is lower, chances of you intruder coming to your room instead of stealing the car keys, cash and valuables downstairs EVEN lower. If you confronted an intruder with a weapon then they may panic- make a rash choice and attack/shoot you if they are armed, or take the gun from you then shoot you… The best thing to have in your room if there’s an intruder in your room is a mobile phone. Call the police. Txt friends and ask them to call if your too scared to talk. Follow your instinct Annie- it’s probably right.

  31. On July 25th, 2010 at 7:02 pm Siers Says:

    Ah Hell I hate when people judge you for being pregnant in a bar. When I was 7 weeks pregnant I went on a roadtrip with a friend. We went out dancing, I made a comment in the bar that I wasn’t drinking to my friend and a girl said to to me “how can you be at X bar and not be drinking?” when I told her I was pregnant, she looked at me and said shouldn’t you be home nuturing your baby? And I said straight up “I am not drinking, I am not smoking how am I harming my baby?” And she saw my point. Whne I see a pregnant lady dancing and whopping it up on the dance floor I give a silent cheer for her.

  32. On July 25th, 2010 at 9:41 pm Angela Says:

    I want to go to a shooting range just so I can finally shoot some six-shooters old west style. Thats how I roll

  33. On July 26th, 2010 at 7:17 am ToyLady Says:

    We had virtually no budget for a wedding – besides, it was my second wedding, and my husband, well, he was over 40 and didn’t much care about the tux-cake-flowers-fairy princess thing either. So I have a college buddy who now lives WAY out in the boonies, and she’s a local judge – we spent the night at Susan’s house, then, the next morning, we were married at sunrise, with her husband and my son as witnesses. Celebratory champagne at 6AM – not a bad way to start married life!

    As to the gun thing – my husband has a small gun safe he keeps under his side of the bed – it’s handy, but inaccessible to anyone other than us.

  34. On July 26th, 2010 at 12:49 pm Extragrunty Says:

    I’ve been reading a website for a few years now that really resonates with me, and would perhaps resonate with “Unhappy Planner” and other Aunt Becky readers.

    One of Meg’s recent posts about the media saying “In this economy people are waiting to get married.” :

    I have nothing to do with that website other than I really love the sane advice.

  35. On July 26th, 2010 at 1:40 pm Kate Says:

    Unhappy Planner: we skipped ANY wedding, went to eh Justice of the Peace, husband wore khakis (refused to wear dress blues) and I wore a strapless white sundress. Best man? Was in his flight suit. It was about ME and HIM. We saved a TON of money and bought a house and now we have a very special day that was abut us, stress free…it was wonderful, personal….and not about anyone else. I am NOT a fluffy dress kind of girl, and I am thinking you aren’t either. Stand up for yourself if it bugs you that much and be practical!! I would NOT trade my house for ONE DAY where EVERYONE ELSE gets to get drunk and be obnoxious.

    Pregnant Girl: I turned 21 and was 7 months pregnant. I totally understand how you feel. I went and bought all my friends drinks for them, bought beer for my husband, and bought non alcoholic champagne for me. BECAUSE I COULD!!! Having been that pregnant on such a momentous birthday, I can also tell you you may not want to be out that late. People probably will look at you like a horrible person if you go to a nightclub…Not going to lie, I would, but that’s mostly because if the secondhand smoke and DAMN when I was that pregnant I didn’t even want to move, I was so tired. So you need to do what you want to do because you’re an adult, and you are having a baby which means you are going to have to make a LOT of adult decisions very soon. Go or don’t go, but don’t get mad at other people who look at you like you’re a mother of the year candidate if you go out.

    Annie, he’s an odd duck. My husband keeps his side arm in a safe when he is at home (we have a toddler) but when he is deployed? It’s right there with him on his pillow. It freaks me out. I would definitely discuss your concerns with him because…it would freak me out. If you have cats or something, what if one knocks your gun over?? Or…uses cat ninja reflexes to hold you hostage (not knowing it is unloaded?). Cats are known to plan stuff like that, you know!

  36. On July 27th, 2010 at 2:14 am Kristin Says:

    @unhappy planner – in addition to this bit:
    [quote]I suggest you each make a list of what it is that you want in your ideal wedding without input from the other person. Then, add an approximate cost associated with each item. After that, rank each item from order from most to least important.[/quote]
    Do this for what you want from your MARRIAGE & your LIFE. Not just the wedding.

    Kids? Private school?
    Retirement fund?
    New computer?
    Dinners out once a week?

    I see so many spend huge on the wedding itself giving no thought to all the real life, day to day and future expenses they will have. And it sucks to have more debt on your back, and no tangible asset to show for it, than you really need.

    Good luck and congratulations!

  37. On July 27th, 2010 at 4:56 pm ScienceGeek Says:

    Unhappy Planner> Go to a bridal show, get the price lists before writing your ‘ideal wedding’ list. I wrote a ‘rough budget’ when I started planning my wedding, and very quickly discovered I’d had no idea how expensive everything is.
    It may be that your fiance has an idea of what your wedding day should be, but no concept of how much it costs. It’s really not uncommon, especially amongst people who got married thirty years ago. For instance, both our mothers had no idea that an average photographer costs over a thousand dollars, and one who’ll be there the entire night will be three times that. They thought $50 a head was more than enough for the meal/drinks at a reception venues and were incredibly shocked to learn that it’s twice that now.
    Either way, I think you’re going to have to have The Conversation. You know, the one about how you both treat money, and what you expect when you get married. Work out a system now, before you get married and combine bank accounts, so you’re already in the habit of compromise and working towards your goals together. (By the way, I cannot recommend enough the concept of ‘guilt-free spending money’, that is, each of you gets a set amount of money each paycheque that can be used for whatever the hell you like that isn’t the shared expenses of bills or food. It’s ‘my’ money, instead of ‘ours’, and it makes such a difference. I use mine to buy lunch, the ITGeek uses his to fund his expensive hobbies and there is never an arguement).

  38. On July 28th, 2010 at 12:18 pm Nic Says:

    I think all women need to learn to shoot. Like i’ve said in a recent post, it’s your right to have a gun should you need to protect yourself.

  39. On July 28th, 2010 at 5:46 pm Kendra Says:

    Dear Planner: I hope you and your fiance can come up with some really happy compromises. My husband and I were married in a State Park (the Mississippi headwaters–so beautiful) right after Labor Day, when many rental rates went down. We used a rural photographer and a rural florist and had the park cater our dinner. We decided what was most important to us (the location was extremely important in our case) and what wasn’t (we didn’t have any music or dancing; it’s just not our thing, so we didn’t have to worry about that cost). And the thing is, almost 8 years later, every time we see a wedding, we both talk about how much fun ours was. Not that our flowers were the prettiest or we had the best music, but we really remember having the most wonderful time. I understand not wanting to go into debt just for a wedding, and I understand wanting to live out some longstanding dreams of what it will be like. But if you can compromise (Aunt Becky’s advice was great), it can be something you will remember with great joy, and I think that’s what you both really want.

    And Birthday Girl, I hope you had a marvelous time! The thing about being pregnant (or a new parent or any parent at all) is that people think they now get to judge everything you do. You sound like you understand what is wise and what isn’t wise when you’re pregnant, and you just want to celebrate your birthday. I hope you did and that you had a terrific time. Be wise, be safe, and congratulations–on the birthday and on the baby!

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