Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Dear Aunt Becky,

Sponsorship: Wheredya gettit?

sponsorship (noun) the act of sponsoring (either officially or financially).

This definition plucked handily from the Free Online Dictionary, not a source I’d probably use if I were writing a research paper, but for this purpose, Pranksters, I suppose it will suffice.

I’m afraid, Prankster, I’m not entirely sure what you’re talking about.

I’d guess that you mean someone who pays either for my site, in which case I’d suggest my couch. Sometimes I’ve found upwards of 35 cents in there! The downside to finding change in my couch is that it is, in fact, my own change, not someone else’s, and therefore, I’m only finding my own money. When you think of it in those terms, it’s a little more depressing.

I do run ads on my blog as you can see, and those ads pay for things like hosting this blog, my group blog, Mushroom Printing, and my new previously unannounced group blog that I will be opening this week (claps happily)(does victory dance around living room)(shakes ass). I’ll tell you more about my new blog as soon as it’s done.

As far as getting corporate sponsorship and selling out To The Man any further than I have by placing additional third party ads on my sidebar or shilling out myself to companies so that they may send me to conferences on their behalf, I do not know how to do that. I’d assume that it requires several things:

1) A sizable blog

2) The ability to sell yourself to companies

3) Approaching the companies with a good sales pitch.

Really, that’s your call as to how you want to play it. I don’t do it. I haven’t done it. I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable doing it.


Aunt Becky,

Ok I know this is probably stupid to ask but how do the “SYWM” shirts fit? I am 6’1″ (yeah yeah I know like I needed to be 6’1″ with a fireball attitude like mine.  I’m probably a matter of national security now because I KNOW I have the Air Force on edge) and shirts never fit me right.

I am (please don’t kill me) a size 8 (156 pounds) so Mediums are usually about 2″ too short and I end up showing belly. WHAT SIZE SHOULD I GET SO I DON’T FLASH MY BELLEH?

Love Kate

PS You Rock.

Yay! The Shut Your Whore Mouth shirts are awesome and they’re super flattering and I probably should mention sizing. I’d order a size up from whatever you normally wear. These aren’t like crazy belly shirts (which make me stabby) and you’re tall, so I’d go with a L or an XL to be on the safe side.

If’n you have a big rack like me, get the XL. They’re hot. You’re gonna be hot. Can’t wait to hear how you kick ass and take names in it. Please don’t kick my ass. Ever.


Dear Aunt Becky,

I’ve got a bit of a situation I’d like your advice on.  My best friend is a man I’ve known since I was abouut 5.  He’s had a bad run with depression over the last few years, and he’s currently unemployed (unrelated to the depression, but it’s not helping).  Earlier this year he started dating a 21 year old (we’re both thirty), and they’re insanely in love.  Problem is, I’m not entirely sure she’s not just insane.

She has a lot of stories about her past.  She had a child when she was 13 who died 4 years later from the toddler version of SIDS.  Her ex-boyfriend got her addicted to heroin while she slept.  Her mother’s a drug dealer and murderer.  She’s had multiple last names and was in witness protection.  Her other ex-boyfriend beat her and also happened to burn everything she owned of her child.

But she makes my best friend happy, and as far as I’m concerned, you can say your name is Cleopatra and you shit rainbows, and I’ll smile and nod for his sake.

But now the ‘stories’ have started to affect other people.  From what I can gather (because her version of events changes every time she tells it, of course), she was having trouble with her boss, so was relocated to a sister company.  Three days later, she was fired because several of her new co-workers signed statements to the effect of ‘she told us her boyfriend was going to kill her ex-boss’.  Now the ex-boss has taken out a restraining order against her and my best friend.

That one required a lot of tongue biting.  But hey, it’s his life, and if someone’s going to tell her that, even if it was a joke, that was all kinds of fucking stupid, it really should be him. Commandment one of friendship: Thou Shall Not Fuck With Thy Best Friend’s Relationship, right?

Then it got worse.

I got married, and the first time I spoke to her after the wedding, she told me she thought another friend’s husband was ‘really dominant’ towards her, and that he must beat her.
This wouldn’t happen.  He wouldn’t do it, she wouldn’t let him.  But this is a serious allegation and I was distracted that night, and maybe I missed something.  So I asked another friend, one of the most observant women I’ve ever met.  Her answer?
‘WHAT?!’ pause ‘WHHHHAAAATTT?’ It turns out that the best friend’s girlfriend didn’t even speak to the guy she was accusing of battery.  Far as we can tell, she pulled this idea out of her arse.

So, basically, my best friend is madly in love with a pathological liar, and now she’s making allegations about people who also deserve my loyalty. Does anyone have any idea how to handle this?  As weird as this sounds, I love this man almost as much as I love my husband (in a different way, of course!) and I don’t want to lose him.  But not even for him can I just keep smiling and nodding this time.


Normally, I’m down with crazy.

Bloody hell, Prankster. The upside to this is that I’d guarantee everybody reading this has been in a similar situation with a friend. The downside is that I don’t know if anyone knows how to properly handle it.

So, there are a couple of ways to handle it.

1) You say nothing, bite your tongue and watch the situation unfold from a polite distance. Unless you really think you can make him see the light and see the girl for what she is (a potential lunatic), and allow him to get out while the getting is good, this may be the only way to preserve the friendship right now.

2) You go super-stealth undercover (I just whistled the Mission Impossible song) and find out about this girl’s past, and go to confront your friend with some cold hard facts about her past. If you can blow some real holes in her stories, you might have a chance of disproving her lies and allow him to get out now. Because she sounds like a sinking ship.

3) You confront him with no evidence and see how he takes it. If he’s in love, it may not be well. In these cases, it’s usually decidedly UN-well. He may choose her and leave you standing there like an asshole. It’s happened to us all when we opened our whore mouths and spoke up. But then, at least, you said something, rather than nothing. Which may make you feel a bit better. And in the end, he’ll remember it. She’ll be a phase in his life. The Bad Girlfriend.

4) Stage an intervention with a couple of friends and try and all talk to him about her. If he’s depressed, he may not be seeing the situation for what it is. I would advise trying to bring some sort of evidence to him of her lies, if you can dig it up.

Perhaps some combination of these may help and I’m willing to bet that my Pranksters have some advice to offer you on this matter. I’m certain we’ve all been there.

Good luck, darlin’. This is a tough situation. Much love to you. Let us know how it turns out.


As always, Pranksters, please fill in where I left off in the comments below. And feel free to submit your burningest questions here, to the Go Ask Aunt Becky form.

Also: when the fuck did it turn into September? That’s bullshit!

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
21 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On September 5th, 2010 at 12:43 am voni Says:

    Damn! The best friend’s crazy girlfriend already got him in legal trouble, restraining orders aren’t good and they are on your record, so I say speak up… with back up! Gather all the people who have had odd experiences with her or have their stories in hand, so you don’t forget or lose your resolve.
    Gather ALL the info you have on her and look for public records, ask the police for their opinion, in the office, not on the phone, with a copy of the restraining order. He’s never going to pull it together with crazy around his ankles like a ball and chain.
    He may get angry and cut ties with you for a while but it’s better than being silent and finding out the crazy bitch stabbed him and then you’ve really lost your best friend.
    I wish you the best of luck and I hope he sees that you are afraid for him and love him.
    That would be enough for me!

  2. On September 5th, 2010 at 9:14 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yeah, Voni is TOTALLY right. Seconded.

  3. On September 5th, 2010 at 12:56 am Kristin Says:

    I say we go on strike and refuse to recognize the fact that it is September yet. Oh yeah, 111 shopping days until Christmas.

  4. On September 5th, 2010 at 9:14 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  5. On September 5th, 2010 at 1:14 am Heather Says:

    That is one scary situation, but I have to agree with doing research on gal to see what’s true and what’s not. I worry about your friend’s job hunt with this restraining order now on his record.

  6. On September 5th, 2010 at 9:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yeah, NO KIDDING. Good call on that. Having a restraining order on your record is NOT a good thing.

  7. On September 5th, 2010 at 6:21 am Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    I have to say “RUN! RUN away from the crazy person!!!” There are so many people with “issues” out there you can always pick up another crazy. I have met so many KOOKS on Facebook and I have to say am finding the more “normal pranksters” via blogging….RUN I tell you!

  8. On September 5th, 2010 at 9:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Ain’t THAT the gospel?

  9. On September 5th, 2010 at 9:20 am CycleNinja Says:

    “Normally” should also be prepared for the possibility that this guy might break off their friendship. As someone who also deals with depression, it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that he’s grateful for any attention and affection he can get, no matter how twisted. Which is not to say that “Normally” shouldn’t do exactly what you said. Sometimes an intervention blows up in your face, but sometimes it’s the only way to get through.

  10. On September 5th, 2010 at 10:38 am Marinka Says:

    When would be a good time for me to come by and look for coins in your couch?

  11. On September 5th, 2010 at 12:04 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Come on over, sweet cheeks.

  12. On September 5th, 2010 at 8:56 pm Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    Now THAT’s a great idea! We can all go to OTHER people’s houses under the pretense of a “friendly” visit of course and look under their cushions for loose change.

    EXCELLENT idea!

  13. On September 5th, 2010 at 12:24 pm sarah Says:

    Hi Aunt B! Haven’t been here in a while. Actually I have but I’ve been a lazy commenter. Commentor? Nope, spell check says commenter. Anyway, I have to give Normally a lot of credit for not having best-friend’s-girlfriend removed from the wedding. I think I might have told her to get the fuck out, crazy bitch. Or something subtle and classy like that. I think option number two is the best advice. Her poor friend is a victim of this crazy woman. HELP HIM!
    Love ya, Auntie B.

  14. On September 5th, 2010 at 12:41 pm Anonymous Says:

    Aunt Becky, I have to go anonymous for this one, but you can see who I am by my email. Ahem.

    My mom was in an abusive relationship and actually married the guy. I was in grad school, so this guy was never a stepfather to me. The problem is that we all warned my mom and tried to save her. She still married him and cut ties with us – even her own daughters. Eventually, she had to run for her life in the middle of the night – in her pajamas. We knew it would happen, but fortunately she lived and we were there for her to help her escape him for good.

    I am not saying don’t try to help your friend. But be prepared and steel your heart, nay, your soul for what may come. Then, hunker down and make sure that you are protected.

    I am so sorry you are going through this, but remember to protect yourself FIRST. The girlfriend sounds sociopathic and downright dangerous. You need to keep yourself safe so that you can be there for your friend when the inevitable comes screeching down the pike.

    Again, I am SO sorry.

  15. On September 5th, 2010 at 5:19 pm MrsLaLa Says:

    Yeowza about the crazy girlfriend. I think, if it were me, I’d have to tell the BFF that his girlfriend is nuts. Unfortunate? Yes. Possible friendship ender? Yes. But necessary.

    Also, WTH happened to the summer? September can kiss my arse.

  16. On September 5th, 2010 at 9:49 pm Shadowedge Says:

    So… There was a special on either This American Life or Radiolab on lies, lairs and what this does to people. The part that stands out in my mind, is that some of the stuff really reminds me of a crazy grifter that they profiled.

    take a listen, and see what you think, and see if you can find some cold hard research to back up her stories. I’m a research librarian, and might be able to help, in a pinch. Or get really serious, and hire a detective.

  17. On September 6th, 2010 at 3:47 am Kendra Says:

    The girl sounds very much like she suffers from a personality disorder. These types of disorders only get worse if left unchecked and the people who suffer from them CAN’T stop what they are doing without help. There are a bunch of people in this situation that need help and they need it fast. Get information if you can. Then take it to your friend. Get backup if you can. But don’t attack the girl. Care about the fact that she is a human being and is quite obviously sick. State the information almost without emotion. And try to make your friend understand that sometimes when you love a person you have to try to help them get help. If she cares about him and the life they may want to build then she will get help. If she doesn’t then he should get out of the relationship fast.

    And he needs to be careful about that. She does not sound like she would take it well. She may lash out at him or use threats of hurting herself to try to get him back. He may want to consider a restraining order against her himself if she does the former. He needs to ignore all pleas from her and call the police if he fears for her life if she does the latter.

    And should he have to leave this relationship it is very likely his depression will increase. If he is not already, he should consider talking to a counselor because these types of situations are hard and they usually make you feel like you failed the other person.

    The important thing here is to try to help as many people as you can but to get as many people out as unscathed as you can. And to remember that it isn’t all on you. You are not single-handedly responsible for how this comes out.

  18. On September 6th, 2010 at 8:22 am Tiffany @ MomNom Says:

    Totally siked. {you know what I’m talkin’ about}

  19. On September 6th, 2010 at 4:55 pm Kate Says:

    I GOT MY ASK AUNT BECKY QUESTION PUBLISHED! And here I thought she’d just email me back. Silly me :D. I’ll be ordering a hot pink Shut Your Whore Mouth shirt shortly.

  20. On September 7th, 2010 at 9:41 am Carrie Says:

    As for the crazy-ass girlfriend story – remember that birth certificates are public record (unless they are sealed which usually only happens in cases of adoptions). You can go to your state vital statistics office and pay a small search fee and see if that woman actually gave birth to a live infant the year she said she did. It may be a good piece of info to have!

  21. On September 7th, 2010 at 12:42 pm MXW Says:

    On the third one, I have to say if the crazy girlfriend stays in his life, then you’re going to lose him one way or another and if it were me, I’d rather go out telling him exactly who/what she is.

    My aunt married a guy that my WHOLE family knew upon meeting was no good. Red flags like you wouldn’t believe, but she was innnn loooovvveee and just wanted to be married. So she married him. 6 years and 3 1/2 (one in the oven) kids later, turns out he was a child molester of grade school girls in the class he taught at an elementary school. And that’s when my whole family was glad that they had at least tried to tell her that he was no good. Because then it wasn’t looking back and saying “Oh yeah, we knew he was a creep but didn’t want to get involved.” She definitely didn’t want to hear “We told you so!” when she came running back home, but at least we had TRIED.

    So anyway. All you can do is try. And with such a completely lunatic, you can’t not say anything!

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