Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Dear Aunt Becky,

Just 3 weeks ago, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been sleeping with an ugly, stupid woman he works with.  He used to make fun of her all of the time by forwarding her emails to me and to other people in her office.

Her emails contained such gems as “I am staying home with a migrant today.”  She meant “migraine,” but everyone speculated that she had swung by Home Depot and picked up a guy for the day.  She also claims that things aren’t “worth her wild.”  I still have those emails.  What should I do?

You’re the best!


Oh, Prankster, how my heart hurts for you, because I have SO been there before, and I can tell you that it’s bad enough when someone cheats on you, but it’s THAT MUCH WORSE when it’s someone with half a brain. Or someone who is, perhaps, butt-ugly WITH half a brain.

So I’m sorry. That’s lousy and I have total sympathy. It’s happened to me twice and it’s brutal.

As for what you should do with the emails, I can suggest posting them on Mushroom Printing (it’s the group blog and you can post them over there if you choose), and I’ll ask my other Pranksters for advice here as well. What should she do with these emails?

Dearest Aunt Becky,

I have a dilemma that I would love your advice on. I’m not close to any of my real aunts and I don’t have any sisters, but you are the best Aunt of the Internet out there so I figured you could help. Forgive me that it’s a bit long.

Anyway, I am having a problem with men. Just like every other woman in the world. However, I feel like my own judgment can’t get any worse and I need to dig myself out of this hole I am in.

I am 19 years old. I dated a much older man for about two months. He was mostly good to me and we had a great time together. Amazing chemistry. I found myself falling in love with him very, very fast and equally hard! I was head over heels for this guy (still am…) and I would do anything for him. Including “understanding” him being with his ex-girlfriend. They had a history and clearly he wasn’t ready to let go of her, although they broke up over a year ago. He stopped seeing her altogether when we were dating. In my naive little mind, things were going my way. Then, all the sudden, he meets up with his ex, they “talk” and she ends up spending 2 nights at his house, all while he ignores my calls and ruins our plans together.

So I was done with him. Extremely broken hearted and deeply in love, the last time I saw him was when I left his house sobbing so hard I couldn’t even drive straight.

Fast forward to the present day, about 3 weeks later. I met a really nice guy on July 4th. We have been dating since. However, I find myself really…not myself in this relationship. Normally I am sweet, fun, flirty, and very affectionate. I tend to get close to people quickly.

This hasn’t happened with the new guy.

I like him a lot, he’s a very sweet guy and nothing like the last prick I dated. I just find myself not caring if he calls me, not caring if he wants to see me, and not caring about…him in general.

I feel so numb from my last relationship that I don’t give a shit if I get close to this guy. I really, really want to give a shit, though. I want to be my old self. I want to let my guard down. But I feel like the last guy broke my heart so bad that it can’t even function.

I’m way too young to even be in this situation. Aunt Becky, what the flying fuck do I do?!

Much love,


Aw, sweetie, I’m sorry you got your heart trampled on. Same thing happened to me at that age and I STILL remember driving away from his house sobbing like a baby (aside: I am not sure I have a heart anymore, but that is neither here nor there). When we fall, we fall hard, huh?

Anyway, that’s a good thing that you can love so deeply, even if it hurts now. Sometimes, we need time to get over the people we loved before we can let ourselves open up to someone new. It sounds to Your Aunt Becky like your heart is still hurting from the one who broke your heart before and that’s okay. There’s no time limit on the length of time it takes to get over something like that.

I think the people we loved are always a part of us even when we’re no longer together.

That love you had changed who you were forever. Maybe for now, you’re a little more wary of opening up to someone new, but I promise, you will be able to love someone again. Just give yourself time to mourn what you lost before expecting yourself to bounce right back.

Love you, Prankster. Hard.

Dear Aunt Becky,

In the few months I’ve been following your blog, I’ve tried to come up with a suitable question for you. Unfortunately my mind seems to be stuck on a single question and until I ask it, I’m not going to be able to think of another. So, would you rather watch a porno with your parents, or one starring them?


The answer is simple, my good friend: mayonnaise.


As always, Pranksters, please fill in with the comments where I left off, yo.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
22 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On August 1st, 2010 at 12:27 am Ashley Says:

    Oh, Lauren. My little sister finds herself in your situation with EVERY boyfriend she has.

    I think, my dear, that what might be best is for you is to be single and work on you for a little while. Your heart has been broken, and a rebound benefits no one. You’re only hurting a good guy by stringing him along when you don’t have feelings for him, and I’m sure that (because you’re an AB follower and we’re all fucking awesome) you’re a good person and would never do that if you were in the right state of mind. Work on getting to know and love Lauren, and things will fall into place.

  2. On August 1st, 2010 at 7:16 am megan Says:

    I absolutely agree. Spend time without a man. I know it can seem hard to be alone, especially if your friends are all dating, but I promise that it’s the best thing for you. You had absolutely no time to get over the asshole who broke your heart before you started dating this new guy, and it means that you won’t be able to give the new guy a chance because you’re still in mourning. It doesn’t matter that the guy turned out to be a jerk, you still have to mourn the love lost. And it’s always, always good to be alone for a while and learn who you really are and what you really want out of life. Good luck!

  3. On August 1st, 2010 at 10:35 am Another Jennifer Says:

    Absolutely agree. 100%.

  4. On August 1st, 2010 at 2:20 am Stina Says:

    I feel for you, ThreeBadDog, betrayal sucks. However, the “dumb, stupid woman” wasn’t the one who was supposed to be faithful to you. She sounds kind of sad actually, the type of person who is the butt of all jokes and the target of all the so-called “funny” pranks. Even your cheating boyfriend made fun of her.
    As for the mails – don’t do anything while you’re still angry.
    However, you could always save the mails on the off chance that the cheater ends up with her. Then I encourage you to send them to her with a sweet note explaining exactly what a scumbag he is.
    I wish you strength and peace – whatever you chose to do!

  5. On August 3rd, 2010 at 12:20 pm Kelly Says:

    I appreciate the advice. I left some salient bits out in the interest of brevity because I am sometimes a dunce that way. I know this person. I used to work at the same place that they both work now. I have met her and talked to her and she knew that my boyfriend had a girlfriend. He didn’t lie to her to get her into the sack — she made a choice to do that even though she knew me. So I’m pretty sure she already knows he’s a scumbag, because she’s one too. Anyhoo, I appreciate your kindness and support.

  6. On August 1st, 2010 at 9:02 am Scatteredmom Says:

    I just want to point out too that those “hilarious” e-mails with the spelling/grammar mistakes might not mean the chick is dumb as a rock. My husband has dyslexia, my kid is learning disabled, and both of them are very smart but when it comes to writing they struggle. Mixing up words, the endings on words, etc is pretty common with someone who is learning disabled-which she could be.

    She might be a nice person after all and to be the butt of jokes is just kinda cruel. The guy sounds like a real asshole to make fun of her and forward her mail everywhere, too. I’d delete them. There’s no need to be as cruel as the stupid man, it’s not the girl’s fault he’s an asshole and cheated on 3baddogs.

  7. On August 3rd, 2010 at 12:24 pm Kelly Says:

    I noted in my reply above that often I leave out important bits of the story. I was trying to be brief. I know this person and she knows me. I used to work at the same company that still pays these two (I won’t say they work there for reasons of precision). I am in the education field and I understand dyslexia and I would never ever go there in such a case. I know she’s stupid because I have heard many, many stories about her over the years. Since she knows me and knew that he was my boyfriend and hopped in the sack anyway, I hate her too (but him more). I am trying to get over the anger. Asking Aunt Becky just seemed like a fun way to express some of it because she’s just fun. Thanks for the advice!

  8. On August 1st, 2010 at 10:34 am Another Jennifer Says:

    @The poster with the cheating boyfriend: Delete the emails, delete the boyfriend, and spend some quality time with some tissues, a carton of ice cream, and a comfy blanket.

  9. On August 1st, 2010 at 10:57 am Shelli Says:

    ThreeBadDogs, I’m with Aunt Becky–post them on Mushroom Printing.

    Megan, honey, give yourself some time. Three weeks may seem like long enough, but it is no where near enough time. Cut yourself some slack. Enjoy being single. Have fun with friends. Don’t expect yourself to fall right back in love with someone else. You’ve got plenty of time.

  10. On August 1st, 2010 at 12:56 pm Kristin Says:

    Mushroom Printing is the absolute PERFECT solution for Prankster #1.

  11. On August 1st, 2010 at 2:02 pm Mary Says:

    #1. If this woman knew that your boyfriend was in a relationship, in many companies, dating a fellow employee can be grounds for dismissal. Maybe you can get your ex to admit to it in an e-mail.If you do this, please let us know. I, for one, will be rooting for you.

    #2 If you like this guy a lot, and you are asking for advice, I would say that you do care about this guy. You can’t like a lot and not care at the same time. Of course, you don’t want to go through the same thing. And you need time to recover. Let this new guy know. Tell him you need to take it slow, maybe even be friends for awhile. Getting close to people too quickly does not mean that you really know them . And now that you have had this experience, you will be better able to judge when something doesn’t feel right

  12. On August 1st, 2010 at 2:15 pm AmyBlam Says:

    So I once asked my guy friends why guys always cheat with someone not nearly as fabulous as the person they are with. And they all said, because she’s easy. Not easy in a immediate panty drop kindof way, though that’s often the case, but easier to deal with. Because they do cheat with girls that aren’t as smart, pretty, responsible. Do they want to be with her? No. That’s why boys are stupid.
    Personally I would do nothing with the emails-at least nothing in a public forum that can be traced back to you kindof way. The most valuable lesson I learned from one of my gay boyfriends was that when other people show their ass, you show your class. And while it gets REALLY old being the bigger person, in the end you’ll be glad you did.
    (I’m not naysaying doing something devilish that can’t be traced back to you, btw.)

  13. On August 1st, 2010 at 5:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh yes, I agree with your gays. I remember being much younger and having a particularly bad breakup where I ran around making an ass of myself. In the end, I looked bad, and what did I expect would happen? He’d come back because I’d cried so hard? He’d see the error of his ways because I’d made a fool of MYSELF?

    Nope. Never.

    I’m older now and frankly, I *am* too proud to beg. Period.

  14. On August 1st, 2010 at 4:26 pm Coco Says:

    Dear Prankster #1 – It can seem almost irresistible to seek revenge in any way possible when we find out we’ve been betrayed. However, whether this other woman is dumb as a rock, is uglier than you/almost anoyone else in the world/was aware of your relationship with him or not is beside the point as far as I’m concerned. The fact is, your boyfriend (now your ex-boyfriend, I hope?) is the one who deserves 99% of the blame and scorn here. He chose to cheat on you. He chose to disrespect you AND another woman at the same time with his behavior. Forgive me, but any man who treats women so shabbily is someone you are well rid of.

    Take the high road and don’t do anything with those e-mails, unless you delete them. First, I suggest reading them carefully one more time to remind yourself, again, why he is not worthy of you. Then, buy yourself some new undies and a sexy dress in the style and color of your choice. Go out with the girls. Enjoy your new freedom.

    And one day, when you are strolling down the street in the arms of Hot New Boyfriend Who Treats You Like A Goddess, D-Bag The Horrible will see you and realize exactly what he lost. You will smile politely but distantly as you pass, secure in the knowledge that your superior personhood is what influenced Karma to lead HNB to your doorstep. Meanwhile, D-Bag will have his pocket picked and his foot run over by a bus.

    Living well is ALWAYS the best revenge. But the bus thing will help too.

    Hang in there.

  15. On August 1st, 2010 at 9:36 pm ScienceGeek Says:

    What Coco said.
    Forget about the woman. She’s not the one who treated you like shit. She was just the instrument of your boyfriend’s betrayal. She’s already so far beneath you that you’re going to have to drop a lot of levels to roll around in her mud, and even for revenge, that’s not worth it.

    And… there’s no nice way to say this, but some people are judgemental fucks. They hear ‘X cheated on Y with Z’, they’re going to come to one of two conclusions:
    1) X is a moron.
    2) Z is better than Y in some way.

    You ‘do something’ with these emails to try to humiliate that woman, all you’re going to do is turn the tide of opinion towards option 2 (being that, sure, Z might be illiterate, but Y (stands for ‘you’) has one hell of a vindictive streak).

    Take the high road, and everyone will chose option 1. Learn, grow, focus on yourself, all that good stuff. If you absolutely feel the need for revenge, make it something silly and focus it on HIM (rub prawns on the intake vent of his car’s air conditioner), something you can laugh with your friends about over a few drinks. Then move on.

  16. On August 2nd, 2010 at 11:03 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Exactly. You always do look better when your mouth is shut and your head is high.

  17. On August 3rd, 2010 at 12:30 pm Kelly Says:

    Thanks to all of you. I wasn’t ever really going to do anything with the emails except what your awesome pranksters suggested: remind myself why I’m better off without him. I think I’ll just let karma have its way with those two idiots while I work hard at following Coco’s advice. I’m aiming for that high road, but DAMN! sometimes it just hurts. Y’all are great.

  18. On August 1st, 2010 at 4:30 pm Krissa Says:

    Er, no…. Mustard!

  19. On August 1st, 2010 at 9:30 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Burn the e-mails and move on. The fact that he feels so shitty about himself that he has to make himself feel better/smarter by showing you her poorly spelled e-mail, really points out his character flaws. The fact that he nailed her on top of that, really underlines those flaws. Move on. It’s painful, but you deserve MUCH better.

  20. On August 2nd, 2010 at 1:45 am Aimee @ Ain't Yo Mama's Blog Says:

    Aunt Becky, your advice is fantastic. Move over, Dear Abby.

    As for what Prankster #1 should do with the e-mails, I can’t say it any better than Coco and ScienceGeek. So, I won’t.


  21. On August 2nd, 2010 at 8:23 am Dot Says:

    To Lauren, I would add that it’s probably too soon to be entering a new relationship, and I’m pretty sure that when you’ve resolved the feelings from the old one more, your feelings toward new men will change. Be really good to yourself right now, the way that schmuck should have been to you.

  22. On August 2nd, 2010 at 11:54 am Alison Says:

    Ok… so maybe I am more of a vengeful bitch than most but to Prankster #1: If the girl knew that your bf was in a relationship (which usually they do) then take those emails and send them on to her. Let her feel humiliated they way you felt. Then wash your hands of the situation and be done. I assume the bf is now your ex because well.. obviously. So go get a new hot dress, get your hair done, go out with you friends and let some hot guy buy you a drink! All will be better soon, my friend!

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...