Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Sometimes, Pranksters, even Your Aunt Becky likes to take a couple of moments to pull her head out of her bejeweled ass to do some good in the world. Today is one of those days. I’m simply going to direct you to Save The Children, a charity that is trying to help local health workers bring basic first aid and health care to children around the world.

Every four seconds, a child survives THANKS to the health care provided by local health workers on the front lines.

Using our blogs, our facebook profiles, and our Twitter accounts, we can help Save The Children get the word out about this campaign. Throw up the badge, visit the site, see what you can do to help. You don’t have to pull out your wallet to help.

As a nurse, a member of the local medical reserve corp (stop gasping in fear, Pranksters, I won’t accidentally give you vodka rather than normal saline!), and a future traveling health worker, I can think of no cause I’d rather get behind.

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(that’s the code for the badge, display it with pride!)

Let’s do what we can.

Dear Aunt Becky,

So, I did something awesome today. I paid off the remainder of my unsecured rediculous debt (yeah me!)

I am so overjoyed.

… and I feel like humping my own leg.

My question, aunt becky, because you are so FULL OF THE AWE and a little bit of the SOME (AWESOME!) How do YOU keep from humping your own mother humping leg all the time?? Ya know, besides it’s physically impossible?

More importantly, how to reward yourself for something so cool without going out and spending money??? HMMM???

Now YOU are so full of the awesome that I’m here humping your leg from Chicago, which means that you either have insanely long legs or I have a very, very bendable crotch which is probably the grossest image ever so let’s move on, shall we?

Congrats, you! That’s a huge responsible thing to do and I’m super proud of you.

Clearly celebrating by going out and blowing a fistful of cash on stuff isn’t smart–even though it’s fun–so maybe you should go do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Give a concert for the homeless (snort!) or do some crossword puzzles (double snort!).

Sorry, I always hate those lists of things that “you can do while NOT spending money!!” because they always sound hokey to me. Not that they always ARE hokey, just that they SOUND that way. Taking a walk is nice, but when you’re all, “Strolling through the park on a spring day,” suddenly you’re in a Nicholas Spark novel and I’m vomiting in the corner.

So, if I were you, and you were as compulsive as I am *ahem* I’d pick some projects around the house to do that give you some sense of satisfaction. Clean your closets and purge the hell out of your basement. Or come to my house and give me a hand doing it. I’m swamped.

Bottom line: projects are an excellent distraction until you get used to not swiping that credit card all of the time. So long as they’re not like “take up scrapbooking” which is hella expensive (what the fuck?).

And if you’re still stumped, like I said, COME ON OVER AND HELP ME OUT.

Dear Aunt Becky,

About three weeks ago, I left my jerk of a husband a note telling him I was filing for divorce. Why a note, you ask? Because if I hadn’t, there was sure to be a scene. And he hasn’t let me finish a thought or a sentence in years. Anything on my heart was dismissed, ignored or argued with. (Sadly, there are two small children involved. So I’ve held on so long for them and for what!)

I wonder, if he hadn’t been so emotionally unavailable and such an ass all these years, would I still feel the same? I don’t think so. I don’t think I would have ever left. But would I have been in love? I don’t know that either. They (whoever they is) say that love grows over time and that love has its seasons – its ups and downs. And they say (again, who the hell) that when all is said and done at the end of the road, who you end up with after all the years is what matters most. I am not sure who that would have been for either him or me. Of course, I don’t have a crystal ball and there is no way I would have known, but I am not sure I would have been ME.

What I am doing now is trying to find myself (so cliché, but damn. So true!). I am just having such a hard time with this. I don’t want to be married to him. But I don’t want to be married at all. I know it’s probably still so fresh and I am still so raw. So I know I should give it some time.

While I have all these conflicting feelings, I do still want to be close to a man. I want to feel that desire and fulfillment. I think I now understand why some women in my position just go nuts and screw their brains out. I’m not that kind of girl, but I feel like I could be.

I think I am learning that I am a very loving person. And it’s soooo hard to be going through this and feeling this near-hate for the man I’ve been married to and supposedly in love with for years.

Do I need to just get this out of my system? Is this normal? Should Jesus be my husband for a while? I’ve always been annoyed at women who say that. Should I be chaste? Should I just get a boy toy for a while? I don’t think I have it in me to do either. Dr. Feelgood, what do I do?

Aw, Prankster, I’m so sorry. It’s hard when the relationship is insidiously difficult and there isn’t a simple explanation to why things were so hard. It sounds like you’re making some positive decisions for yourself now.

But you’re spinning.

So take a deep breath. Finding yourself is no easy task. You’re not hidden under a bed or around the corner and it’s not as easy as just snapping your fingers and wishing it was all better (trust me on this).

You’re on the right path, but you need to just step back and start living again. Start by breathing slowly, finding the joy in small things, and taking care of yourself one small thing at a time. It’s in those small places you’ll find yourself.

The beauty of it all is that you don’t HAVE to make up your mind as to whether or not you want a new relationship right now. Rushing into anything right now is a bad, bad idea, because it’s just too soon. These fresh wounds need to heal and you need to focus on you for awhile without having the pressure of any other adult to care for.

In time, you’ll know what you want, and you’ll be able to find it. But just remember to breathe and take care of yourself. There’s no rush.

Much love.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
24 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On July 18th, 2010 at 1:19 am Alexandra Says:

    What an honest, vulnerable leter.

    Thank you for being so kind to her with your response.

    You can tell how much she knows about herself.”Very good response.

  2. On July 18th, 2010 at 10:33 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    She’s a smart lady and she’s going to go places. I can’t wait to see what she learns about herself along the way. It’s going to be a lot.

  3. On July 18th, 2010 at 2:05 am Christelyn D Says:

    …But, what if I WANT you to put vodka in instead of saline?

  4. On July 18th, 2010 at 10:32 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Come on over, baby!

  5. On July 18th, 2010 at 5:18 am Sharon Says:

    Re: spendless celebrations, I have always enjoyed the Home Film Festival. I get a boxed set from the library or video store of whatever guilty pleasure I have missed while working so hard, close the curtains and watch it obsessively for a weekend.

    Can’t add a thing to Aunt Becky’s Dr. Feelgood answer, except maybe a suggestion that if Jesus is your temporary boyfriend, he will probably to say nice things to you and help with the laundry, as opposed to a boy toy who will probably just empty your fridge and play video games.

  6. On July 18th, 2010 at 10:32 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahahahahahaha! I need Jesus in my life, apparently.

  7. On July 18th, 2010 at 8:02 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Yeah, Aunt Becky nails it again. Relax, give yourself time and don’t rush into a new man. You’ll only have to break him in like a puppy. A puppy seems a better option. They never interrupt when you are speaking.

  8. On July 18th, 2010 at 10:32 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahahahaha! I love you.

  9. On July 18th, 2010 at 8:19 am Shelli Says:

    Very nice answers, Aunt Becky.

    I just want to add that if you just “screw your brains out” that won’t help you find yourself, it may just make you feel terrible about yourself.

    I will stick that badge up and do a post about it. I, too, am a nurse and a pediatric one, at that.

  10. On July 18th, 2010 at 10:31 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Working with charities now and again makes me feel like less of a jackhole for writing about myself the rest of the year. So thank you for helping out. xoxo

  11. On July 18th, 2010 at 10:39 am Silver Says:

    Aside from the part about leaving the “I want a divorce” note, *I* could have written every word of that letter six years ago. My marriage ended with an episode of Melrose Place Season Finale proportions instead. oops.

    Anyway, your advice is right. She needs to take some time to stand on her own two feet and figure out who she is again. And NOT jump out of one frying pan relationshipt and into another to avoid the flaming difficulty that is single parenthood. It’s tempting but unsatisfying. And maybe try some therapy. seriously. worked for me.

    Stay strong.

  12. On July 18th, 2010 at 11:29 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Therapy, I’m learning, is very, very useful. If for no other reason than to organize your own thoughts. Very glad you chimed in here and that you’re doing well 6 years out. Much love, Prankster.

  13. On July 18th, 2010 at 11:50 am Barb Says:

    The ‘divorcing’ letter, I understand completely. I am divorced 2 years and it wasn’t long after my ex moved out that people began saying It’s so nice to have ‘you’ back. I was so unhappy for many yers that I had really lost myself. I am glad to be on my own, although I hate that my kids have divorced parents. And no sense in jumping into another relationship. Take some much needed time to get yourself and kids together. Good luck!

  14. On July 18th, 2010 at 12:10 pm cindy Says:

    Well, A puppy seems a better option. They never interrupt when you are speaking. Anyways, Nice sharing!

  15. On July 18th, 2010 at 12:27 pm yogurt Says:

    Physically impossible to hump one’s own leg? She obviously did not sit behind a girl named G___ in her History class who managed to do so on a regular basis and look like she was having an awfully good time at it.

  16. On July 18th, 2010 at 1:35 pm Melissa Says:

    While not in debt, I just had to get a credit card for the first time in years for an emergency, and I made sure the limit was low. Congratulations, it IS a good feeling.

    And while I was divorced, I didnt have kids, and did screw my brains out for a year or so, but hey, I was 22 and I lived in Vegas. After a case of Chlamydia (no, it’s not a flower<<that is the weirdest pamphlet EVER), yeah, wasnt feeling so great about that. So THEN I dusted off, took my meds, moved home, and got another creepy boyfriend. So I am probably just ranting here instead of giving good advice, never mind.

  17. On July 18th, 2010 at 3:23 pm Mandy Says:

    Before I had kids, I would reward myself with the 3 B’s…Book, Bubbles (preferably the champagne kind) and a long, peaceful soak in the Bathtub. Oh, what I wouldn’t do for any one of those now!

    To the awesome, full of courage and strength woman, who filed for divorce…Aunt Becky is absolutely right. This shit’s just gonna take time. The prob with time though, is that it is so mother-effing slow sometimes. So, in the meantime, forget the boy, just get a toy. Seriously. It’s sole purpose is to pleasure you and it doesn’t interrupt or shit the floor. And also, try following @TheSingleWoman on Twitter. Being reminded on a daily basis that you are important and you made the right decision, while sometimes cheezy, is also surprisingly helpful. Good luck. 🙂

  18. On July 19th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Queen of the Rant Says:

    Congrats for paying off your debts, and congrats for finally getting up enough nerve to leave your husband. Bliss is just around the corner, if its not already here.

  19. On July 19th, 2010 at 2:52 pm bertsayswoof Says:

    I usually read this blog from work, so I don’t comment much, but last August I called off my wedding (after 7 years with the guy, over a year engaged, and two months before the HUGE wedding). I had lost myself. The best thing I did was find a good therapist (you will know a good one, if you aren’t comfortable, keep searching). She recognized my creative mind and contoured a therapy towards that. It was weird to be told to sketch my way to a healthy me, but I did. I took care of me. Ate healthier. Found an exercise that didn’t make me want to cry. Drank more wine with dinner. By taking time to learn yourself, you will learn what you need to grow in a relationship. I am now in the most loving relationship I have ever imagined. Hang in there. It will take time. You will feel so wonderful the day you wake up though, and realize that you know yourself.

  20. On July 19th, 2010 at 4:56 pm amy Says:

    Dear Letter Writer Number Two,

    There is a reason sex toys were invented. Just sayin’. The release may at least help put off some questionable decisions.



  21. On July 20th, 2010 at 3:13 am poosemommy Says:

    To Prankster #1: Yeah for you! I don’t know what to tell you to do to celebrate (I’ll be done with a buttload of CC bills in about 2 years – thank you credit counseling!)
    To Prankster #2: I would go for the toy sans boy and here’s why: you just left, you have two small children. That combination presents some potential problems: a parade of boyfriends will send some seriously mixed messages to your kids (and could potentially put them in dangerous positions) plus, if your divorce is not final, your soon-to-be ex can use adultery against you in the proceedings. That’s not good for anybody. Besides, rebound relationships rarely last. Your kids have already been through one break-up. Find out who YOU are before you look for the other piece – you don’t want them to get attached and then feel that loss again because it was just too soon. Good luck!

  22. On July 21st, 2010 at 9:06 am Kendra Says:

    Well said about Save the Children, Aunt Becky. Thanks. I will be happy and proud to support and organization that helps children survive, much more than one that berates me about the people dying because I didn’t help in time.

    After paying off large debts, I can totally see the desire to go out and spend. If you’re into crafting or making things in any way (it’s what I like to do when I’m feeling the desire to be productive), you could check out something like freecycle. People are often giving away fabric scraps or yarn or other materials that you could put to good use without going and spending a ton of money on a quilting table so you can feel proud of your budgeting skills. But congratulations on the paid-off debt! That’s a huge accomplishment, and you should be proud.

    If you’ve felt you haven’t been heard for years, I can totally see the desire to feel connected to someone. And now that you feel freed from your marriage, you finally have the chance to make that connection. But I agree that you don’t yet know what you want or how you would get it anyway. Make friends–with men, with women, with yourself–and you’ll figure out what kinds of people you want in your life. Then when, and if, you’re ready to have a romantic connection with someone, you’ll have a sense of what you want it to be like. You’re not closing the door on romance, just treating it like the roofers who are always knocking at my door, asking it to knock on all the other doors in the neighborhood and come back in a few days, when you’ve had some time to sort out what you need done.

  23. On July 22nd, 2010 at 1:41 pm The One who's spinning Says:

    Thanks everyone… Therapy is awesome. I will find out who the hell I am someday. I can’t wait to meet me 🙂 Much love to all you fellow Pranksters.

  24. On July 28th, 2010 at 12:01 am Shelli’s Sentiments − Save the Children Says:

    […] got this from Aunt Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka. If you haven’t heard of her or seen her blog, you should check it out. Tagged and […]

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