Dear Aunt Becky,

Any good books out there re. pregnancy over 40?  Most of what I see deals with fertility and/or doesn’t get into the nitty-gritty (breastfeeding vs. copious sag tit, etc…).  Seriously, would appreciate any advice.  We can dial it down to “over 35,” if that helps.

Regards,
Terry

Pranksters? I have no personal experience, Terry, so I’m going to let my Pranksters take this one.

I wish you the best of luck, mah friend. Tit sag is a BITCH.

Dear Aunt Becky,

Sooo… my older brother has been loud and proud for 15 years and I’ve always been more than supportive of him, having a blast at gay bars, going to dinner with the new flavor of the week, honestly, I don’t care (and never have cared) that he’s gay.

The thing is.. my brother is an asshole.  That’s the part I don’t like.  I’ve offered up my place for him to host parties and come home to find everything broken and condoms everywhere.  Oh and a passport under my bed from a boy I’ve never met who had just turned 18 years old.  Not fucking cool.  So, no more parties.  My brother has no respect for other people.  He’s 32 and lives at my parents place.

Blah blah blah.. it just came to my attention that my brother’s new boyfriend of a few months used to do a lot of gay porn.  I was sent the link.. it’s the new boyfriend.. and well, I mean to each their own, but I’m just not really cool with embracing a man whose images I can’t get out of my head.

No one in the family knows except for me and the family is in love with him.  It looks like he’ll be around for a long time.  And honestly, I don’t even know if my brother knows about his boyfriend’s past.

I have a ton of question for you.. but the main one is, how the hell do I handle this???

Thanks Aunt Becky!

Dear Prankster,

If it seems like this dude is going to be around forever, I’d go ahead and try and remember all those pictures we took in Cancun, that one drunken night, then decided to repost on The Facebook. Not that porn is the same as those stupid photos of my boobs from Cancun, but you get the idear.

I know your brother is an asshole, but perhaps you can take aside his partner and make sure he’s clean. You know, free from The Crotch Rot? Because honestly, that’s the only thing I can really take issue with or worry about. I mean, if he’s still making porn, there’s prolly another discussion to be had.

Other than that, try not to picture that dude getting plowed while you pass the potatoes on Thanksgiving and remember that we all have unsavory bits in our past.

Good luck, Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky,

Why the fuck do people wear white shirts and jeans for family portraits? Is there some special meaning or is it just a god-awful trend (using the word trend liberally)? I’m not one for professional portraits (neglectful mom) so the whole idea of any kind matching outfit or let’s-all-look-over-our-shoulders-whilst-at-the-beach is abhorrent to me.

But why THIS particular outfit?  I’ve seen it before, and I’m all MORMON! but now I think it’s a THING.  What is it? (Besides something insignificant that bothers me too much for no reason.  AKA people dipping everything they eat into ranch dressing).

Thank you,
Kristin

Dear Prankster Kristin,

I think that the whole matching white shirt and jeans thing is probably caused by people who are actually being held for ransom by the mafia. Like they’re taking these pictures to send a warning to friends and family, which is why they send YOU a copy (also: me). They’re saying, don’t FUCK with the mob or the MOB will fuck you BACK (by making you wear white shirts and jeans so you “match” your family, just like you’ll wear “matching” cement shoes into the river).

I cannot think of any other good reason for the uncomfortably posed, matching clothes pictures. Really, who goes and sits around a fake fireplace together, giving each other those sappy fucking grins?

PEOPLE BEING HELD AT GUNPOINT, THAT’S WHO.

Pranksters, any better idears?

—————–

As always, Pranksters, please submit your questions to Go Ask Aunt Becky and you, too, may receive a totally pointless response from me.

Dear Aunt Becky,

A little more than a month ago I found out my best friend, who is only 16 like me, was cutting. After my initial shock, with a lot of arguing and tears, I managed to convince her to tell her parents and get help. Since then she has been diagnosed with depression and has begun seeing a therapist.

Just recently she was talking about how she is sort of relieved that it’s out, but that she feels like any therapist can’t really help her, and she is anxious about getting medication.

I know that this process is really rough in the beginning and that over time she might find a combination of therapy and/or medication that works for her, but for now I want to help her in anyway that I can. I’m always try to listen to her, but she says that talking about it doesn’t really make her feel better.

How else can I help and support her?

Prankster, can I just tell you how proud I am to know you? What an amazing friend you are to your friend? Because you are. I hope that one day you, too, will be MY friend. You’re a good soul.

As for what you can do for your friend, just be patient. Listen when she needs you to. Acknowledge that her pain is really real. Suggest alternatives to cutting. Offer gentle, quiet support every day, and remind her that she is loved. Being stuck underwater with depression, well, that means it’s often hard to see the surface; remind yourself that there ARE people above holding out there hands.

So stand by her, encourage her as best you can, and remind her that she is so, so loved.

All of us should be so lucky to have a friend like you.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I need some advice. First let me just say that you are hilarious and when I grow up I want to be just like you 🙂
Now, some background information. I’m 25, married to a wonderful man and mother to a wonderful 3 year old. We both have steady jobs and work full time. Currently we are living paycheck to paycheck, just scraping by. My husband wants another baby. I don’t.

At least I don’t think I do.

I do a majority of the housework, dishes, laundry all that jazz on top of working 40 hours a week. Due to my husband’s hours I also do the majority of the child-rearing. Add three dogs and a cat to the mix and by bedtime I am completely exhausted. Not to mention the fact that we have very little family support. My biological mother is incarcerated and the woman who raised me passed away two years ago. So that leaves me an orphan. My in-laws are fantastic but they are in their late 60’s and 70’s.

I am terrified that if we have another child we are going to drown. I was raised poor, so as long as we have a roof overhead (we do) and food for our bellies (we do), I’m happy. At this point, the only thing that is keeping me on the birth control is money. We just don’t have enough of it.

Is it ridiculous to want to wait until we are more financially stable? Please help Aunt Becky!

Xoxo,

Less Money, Mo’ Problems

Ah, the old quandary: when to have another baby.

I’m afraid I can’t answer that question easily, but I can say this: waiting until the time is easier financially is much less stressful on your life. I’ve had a baby when I was so butt-broke I couldn’t even buy him a single thing myself. I relied on the kindness of strangers, who were unbelievably kind to me. That didn’t make it less hard. Then, I’ve had babies who I can – without thinking too much – buy formula, diapers, and clothes for. While I’ve managed both sets of circumstances, it’s much harder the first way.

However, that does not mean it is impossible.

But you should wait until YOU are ready to have a second child. Spending nine months waddling around is hardest on you, not anyone else.

I wish you the best of luck, Prankster.

Dearest Rockin’ Aunt Becky,

I’m due soon with my very first crotch parasite.  So I’m doing all my first time parental duties and reading the books, checking out the websites and generally preparing.

Why is it that in every book or website the people post how “magical” and “wonderful” this whole pregnancy thing is?  I’m sorry, not one bit of this has been “magical” for me.  I gained 10 lbs of bloat during the first trimester, have zits the size of jupiter, was sick for 15 weeks,  and am generally unhappy.  I have a child growing inside me who has been kicking me so hard since 16 weeks I jump out of my chair at work.  Typical posts online are “oh i loved it when my baby kicked it was such a wonderful feeling”.  

What? Really? How is it wonderful? I feel like my insides are being pummeled into tenderized meat.

I’m wondering when I’m going to feel the “magic”.  Is it a drug women take? I feel really alone in feeling like this and everytime I post something about it on Facebook or The Twitter people think I’M the crazy one.  I’ve learned to just shut up and take it b/c my lonely “miserable while pregnant” island has a pretty small population, of One, me.

So in conclusion, Aunt Becky, Please tell me I’m not the only one who can’t WAIT for this stage to be over and to hold my little girl.  

If I am the only one who feels this way, please mail me some of those “I Love Pregnancy” drugs everyone seems to be taking (along with a Shut Your Whore Mouth t-shirt).

Truthfuly yours,
Knockered up in RI

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Are you kidding? ARE YOU KIDDING? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I love my children dearly, but I will be the FIRST to admit that I was the most miserable, unhappy, fat, and unpleasant pregnant woman on the plant. Maybe you’d have sat on MY misery island with me.

Read THIS.

Feel better? You should.

P.S. Better name the baby “Aunt Becky.” Just, you know, because.

Dear Aunt Becky,

Judge Judy has a saying: “How can you tell when a teenager is lying? His or her mouth is moving.”

Judge Judy is a pillar of our society. Do we teenagers owe it to her to lie when we otherwise wouldn’t, just to avoid the rude act of contradicting ones elders?

Alexis

Dear Alexis,

Would you really take advice from someone who looks as though she’s been mummified?

Thought not.

Love,

AB

Hello my dear!

I was reading your post today, and you mentioned you have PTSD, and it just made me think, “if this bitch can do it, and deal with kids, and be amazing, WTF is my problem?”

So I just want to know, how the hell do you do it!? The anxiety/panic attacks are fucking killing me! I’ve been dealing with this for years, and it still has a nasty grip on my everyday life.

And another question… I have just moved to a place to get a fresh start, and I have an awesome support group here, but no one knows about the PTSD, or the crippling panic attacks I get, so how do I explain it to them with out coming off crazy? Because I feel crazy when I talk about it!

Thank you so much for your awesomeness! You amaze me, and I am so happy that I have found you and your blogs! Love to you!

Millie

Dear Millie,

I’ve managed my PTSD with a combination of therapy, better living through chemistry and more therapy. Oh, and writing. OH, and my roses. There are days when it still gets it’s wily grips on me and I fear I’ll never again be normal.

Those days, I remember that “normal” is bullshit and I’m perfect just the way I am. I gently suggest you try some therapy and medication to stave off the worst of the panic and anxiety. And when all else fails, try something soothing. Like gardening. It helps your mind be free to work through all of the panic while doing something with your hands. Very therapeutic.

Or, if you’d like, you (that means ALL of you, Pranksters) are invited personally to share your experience on Band Back Together. Writing has saved my life more than once.

As for telling people about your PTSD, there’s no need to do so. I mean, right away. Of course you need a support system, but not everyone will be able to understand how you feel. Perhaps your therapist can give you some support groups in the area so you can find some people who fully understand you.

I wish you the very best.

Hi Aunt Becky!

Disciplining other people’s children: lots of different opinions, OK. What about “mannering” other people’s children? Is it horrible to prompt little Billy-not-my-kid to say “thank you”/blow his nose/ask politely, or will Billy’s Mom have a conniption, like I’m judging her parenting?

A totally different, but related (I swear!) question; My sister-in-law (about my age) has Down Syndrome, and thus is at about the intellectual level of a child (give or take, in various categories). She has horrible manners, due in *part* to her disability (stubbornness, unwillingness to compromise), but mainly thanks to inadequate parenting (I love my MIL dearly, but I can see it even in my husband).

So is it weird to correct my SIL’s manners (not in public or anything)? Prompt her to say “thank you” when I hand her $20 for lunch, or someone goes out of their way to help her? Pranksters, if you were my MIL, would you be hurt, thinking I was critiquing her parenting skillz?

Raising youngsters of my own, and being used to constantly prompting manners, it’s getting harder and harder to not prompt my SIL (and other children we’re around). Hell, my toddler is more polite than she is!

What do you and your Merry Band think, My Dear Aunt Becky? Offensive? Or might I actually do some good? As of yet I’ve kept my mouth shut, but it’s getting harder and harder.

Ta!
Mrs. Manners

Dear Mrs. Manners,

As someone who routinely swears in front of her children (WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?) it may surprise you to learn that I’m surprisingly anal about manners. As in, I’d be shocked and horrified that someone corrected my children before I, in fact, could. However, on the off-chance I was too distractible by the SkyMall kitties and didn’t prompt a “THANK YOU” out of my crotch parasites, I’d be amenable to someone reminding them.

However, if it was simply someone correcting them without first giving me the opportunity to do so, I’d be a little annoyed. Not terribly annoyed, mind you, but annoyed nonetheless.

So what say you, Pranksters? What are your thoughts on that? And, frankly, anything else.

Dear Aunt Becky-

Do you make your I Kicked Cancer’s Ass t-shirts in toddler sizes? I NEED one for my 2 year old. This kid is totally kicking cancers ass.

xoxo
Lisa

Dear Lisa,

YAY for your toddler kicking cancer’s ass! That’s AMAZING.

We do not currently make those in toddler sizes, but we need to. Period. So you’ve put a bug up my ass about it and now? We’ll make it happen. Stay tuned!

P.S. Did I mention that your kid rules?

Dear Aunt Becky,

Do you still have the shut your whore mouth shirts, I cannot locate them on the site or I could be and idiot too!!

Sure do, Prankster! Our Shut Your Whore Mouth shirts are RIGHT here! Enjoy.

P.S. Send me a snap of you with the SYWM shirt when you get it. I’ll add it to my awesome photo gallery.

Hello Aunt Becky,

First I wanted to tell you that I completely enjoy your blogs! And I admire the courage you have for being able to share with humor all you and your family goes through. I am asking if you or any of your Pranksters might have any advice for me beyond the thought of I need a hugging coat and to do the thorazine shuffle, because I do believe I have gone cocoa for coo-coo puffs.

8.5 years ago my twins passed away due to complications with CF. (CF sucks big monkey butt btw)

I was told when they were born that a massive amount of damage was done and I would not be able to have anymore children. Fast forward to present day, I have a huge miracle in my baby girl that is 5 months old now. I love her beyond reason, and want to do my level best for her.

So what the hell is my problem?

Well, I think I’m screwing up. I was so used to parenting 2 very sick little ones, that I have no clue how to be a parent to a healthy child. The poor kiddo gets interrupted naps, because out of habit, I go to make sure she’s breathing clearly, not running a fever, all of those crazy things I had to do before. I find myself having damn near a panic attack when we go to the pediatrician for shots and check ups. I try every day to tell myself that she is not them, and is healthy and I can get a full night sleep. The only reason she wakes up at night, is because I wake her up checking on her.

My logical brain knows she is healthy and I need to knock it off. But that fear, is just sitting there, almost mocking me. I tried talking to my husbands family about it, they told me I needed to get over it. Yeah, I have no real support system to speak of. I guess I’m just wondering if this is normal for parents that have been through this? Or am I just simply that crazy? Thank you in advance for your thoughts on the matter.

And for being a bright spot in many a mothers day.

Oh Prankster, I’m so sorry for the loss of your twins. That makes my heart break into a zillion tiny pieces.

I’ve thought about your question for awhile now (shut up, I CAN think)(sometimes) and in knowing that I am neither a doctor, nor do I play one on the Internet (much), I feel that you may have PTSD. It makes perfect sense, having lived through hell already, that you’d suffer such an anxiety disorder. Frankly, I’d be surprised if you DIDN’T.

If you burned your hand REALLY BADLY on the stove, you’d probably be eleventy-billion times more cautious in the future while using the stove. Raising a child after losing two children is like that, only magnified a quadrillion times.

So yes, your reaction is completely normal and expected. The good news is that while you’ll probably always be more cautious with your daughter, PTSD is a completely manageable illness. If you can find the right help, you’ll be able to work through some of the anxiety you’re experiencing. And may I invite you, AND everyone reading this to post over at Band Back Together. We have a large amount of baby loss parents who work with us who, I’m sure, understand your feelings entirely.

Sending you love and light. Please, please, please, all of you, Pranksters, please write your stories for us.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I recently joined a group of amazing ladies, we’ve been pregnant together and now we’ve started to have our babies. One of these women had her baby, a beautiful little girl and found out soon after birth that something was wrong. Her red light reflux in one of her eyes was wrong. It’s looking like right now that her daughter has a cataract, which is a huge deal for infants.

She’s waiting to get word on when they can travel to start surgery and treatment since there are apparently only a handful of surgeons who can operate on this. She’s scared, and we’re scared for her. I would love it if you could put this out there and see if there’s anyone else that has some positive stories and has been through this.

There’s so much information out there and so much of it is terrifying that it’s hard to even know where to begin.

Dear Prankster,

I’m hoping that by posting this, we can find some people who understand and have been where your friend is. I’m making it a prerogative this week to create a resource page for you on Band Back Together. Hopefully, we can collect some stories for you and your friend so people facing this scary diagnosis have somewhere to go.

Thank you so much for being such an incredible friend. She’s lucky to have you.

Much love to you and your friend.

—————–

As always Pranksters, please fill in where I left on in the comments. And let these two Pranksters know that they’re not alone. Because, we really are none of us alone.

Dear Aunt Becky:

I am married (no kids).

I am from NJ living in the South; where people typically don’t like to speak their mind. I have some single gals (some recently divorced) who make horrible decisions with men! They date guys many states away, date the wrong guys, bring new guys around their kids on first dates, move waaaaaay to fast with creepers.

I am not conservative, but watching them spin their lives around even more is painful. So here’s my question Aunt Becky: do I sit back like everyone else and see what happens or do I speak my mind?  

These gals are fragile and I fear I may not help the cause much!

Ah Prankster, this is a conundrum that many of us find ourselves in from time to time. Been there, done that, proudly worn the t-shirt.

So you’re wondering if you should continue to shut your (un)whore mouth and see which shit rises to the top or you should attempt to dissuade your friends from making horrible decisions.

But here’s the problem with opening your presumably un(whore) mouth: a lot of times, people don’t want to hear the truth, no matter how obvious. I remember distinctly when people warned me away from the person who would become the father of my first child. They were clearly in the right, however, what I remember is being hurt that my friends simply couldn’t be happy for me.

When you’re in the middle of a bad idea streak, it’s hard to see what’s what.

As hard as it was for me to hear, my friends were, as I stated, right and I respect (now) that they opened their (un)whore mouths.

So, the question, dear Prankster, is this: can you handle it if your friends tell you to fuck off no matter how politely you phrase it? If the answer is yes, then I say speak up, Prankster! If the answer is no, I’d say to shut your (un)whore mouth, grab a vodka and sit the fuck back and watch.

Good luck, Prankster. I’ll be sitting here, wearing my t-shirt and, like you, waiting to see what happens.

————-

Dear Aunt Becky,

I know this is probably a question asked allll the time, because what teenage girl DOESN’T (at one point) fall for their best guy friend?

He’s been my best friend since early middle school – six years now. We’ve gone through all the stages together: from sweet and innocent to hanging out to watch PG-13 movies, talking on the phone for hours, growing into rebellious teenagers, smoking pot together, stealing pills from our parents, and having amazing bonfires together.

Everything that I’ve done and grown into – or out of – was with him. He taught me stand up for myself when guys were dicks.

Then the day came, when all of a sudden, he wasn’t just my best friend – he was the guy I fell head of heels for. Now we’re both close to adulthood.

People encourage me to get over him, because there’s no chance we’ll be together, but I remember when he went to my uncle’s house (while I was in school) and sat and cried to my aunt; worried about my pill addiction. How he was “too in love with me” to see this happen. He never told me.

I dated his roommate. He told me he CAN’T be around me unless I break up with him. All the boyfriends I’ve had, he’s found a reason to hate. I don’t understand.

Recently, my other best friend died and it feels like my best friend died with him. I don’t know what to do. He’s changed – has his own life now – over-medicating himself and hanging out with horrible people.

I don’t miss the guy he is today, I miss the person I know he is.

Do I stay and see if he makes it through? Or do I move on with my life? For three years, I haven’t found an answer.

Prankster, I’d like to start this answer with a story. Once upon a time, Young Aunt Becky was In Love with her best friend. Only he wasn’t QUITE my best friend. And Young Aunt Becky, being a shyish (shut UP Pranksters) young thang, was nervous to tell him. So she didn’t.

And?

Turns out, he was gay.

But that last bit is extraneous information. So let’s ignore it and focus upon YOU again.

Prankster, if I could go back in time and save Young Aunt Becky YEARS (yes, YEARS) of heartache by opening my whore mouth and spilling mah feelers to this (gay) guy, I would’ve. Why? Because saying something beats the FUCK out of wondering…for years.

So I suggest that you grab the balls I never had and tell him. The worst that can happen? You find out he’s gay. Or um, wait, that’s me again. The worst that can happen is that he doesn’t feel the same way you do. And then? At least you don’t have to spend a second longer wondering about it.

Grab those balls, Prankster. Grab ’em and use ’em.

Let us know how it goes.

—————–

Dear Aunt Becky,

I have been dating this guy off and on (mostly on) for 5 years now. Recently while waiting for him to get off work I over heard him tell they guys “I’m never getting married again..” which I thought was funny because just last April he told me that once we got some things worked out he would buy me THE ring and I could start planning a wedding (Yes, he used THOSE words).

Now, he denies that, and says he’s never getting married.  

We could possibly have the same address but never the same last name.

Am I just wasting my time here? Is it time to call it a day and move on? I really need an impartial opinion here and frankly I trust you the mostest.

Dearest Prankster,

This is the question you have to ask yourself: is it more important to get married or is it more important to stay with this guy?

If the answer is “it’s more important to get married, DUH, AB,” then you know what you have to do. You have to call the relationship off, tell him to piss off, and find someone who shares your desire to get married. There are dudes out there who will happily get married.

If the answer is “it’s more important to be together, DUH, AB” then you stay, forget about the comment he made about getting married and settle into a life wherein you do NOT share a last name. There’s no reason that marriage has to = commitment (although I do understand it’s a deeper level of commitment).

Either way, this is your call, my dear friend, and I wish you the very best of luck.

————

Pranksters, please help me help these brilliant question askers out by giving them better advice than I did. Please? PLEASE?

*wrings hands*

WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?

*wrings hands*

Hello Aunt Becky!

I have a stupid, crazy, but amazing boyfriend that I have been with for almost a year now. We get along really well most of the time, but for some reason or another we ALWAYS end up fighting over the stupidest shit EVER! Seriously, stupid.

Last week, he got mad at me because at 5AM, after talking and hanging out all night, I passed out in the middle of a conversation. Okay, if it’s 5AM, and you’re talking to me laying in bed after a bottle of wine, expect me to fucking fall asleep!

So, we constantly have these stupid fights that turn into 3 or 4 days of yelling at each other, ignoring each other, or whatever, until I end up being a total fucking pushover and admitting EVERYthing I do and say is WRONG! And I’m sick of it! I’m not always wrong.

I don’t know if he really thinks that I’m that fucked up, or if he’s just trying to overpower me.

I really am in love with this man, and I don’t want to end it, but my self-esteem is about to hit rock-fuckin-bottom! He treats my spiritual views with respect, and he is a very sweet, and understanding man. I just can’t handle him yelling at me anymore! I’m a strong-minded woman, and now I feel like I can’t even make up my mind without disappointing him.

I don’t want to make him sound like a total ass-hat, because he isn’t – he’s truly an amazing man. He’s okay with me being a weird tree-huggin hippie. It’s a challenge to find a man I can get along with, because I live in Utah, where having an opinion that doesn’t match “the church” is evil, so he’s a breath of fresh air.

I can’t handle the fighting anymore, but I love him.

AB, what the fuck do I do!?

-Rainn

Dear Prankster Rainn,

You may have the coolest name ever. No, seriously, can I become “Aunt Rainn?” Because that would be FULL of the awesome.

Anyway. I’ve been in this relationship before (see also: my eldest’s father) and it’s not worth it. Not unless, of course, you can meet somewhere in the middle.

So that brings me to my point: can, Prankster Rainn, you bring this up to your boyfriend and actually have a civilized conversation about why the fighting bothers you? If you cannot, if he is that convinced of his Rightness and Your Wrongness, then I would move the fuck on.

You don’t need to spend the rest of your life bowing to the alter of Your Wrongness. It will only shatter your ego and frankly, there are better men out there.

So sit your boyfriend down, tell him that this fighting is not okay; that it cannot continue and see what happens.

Good luck, Prankster.

Hello Aunt Becky-

I must say I find your blog to be hysterical and awesome.

Talk to me about morning sickness. How bad is it? Just found out that I am knocked up and will soon have my own crotch parasite 🙂

So if you’re pregnant Prankster, does that make me Great Aunt Becky? Because I’m only 31.

Anyway, congrats on the crotch parasite! I love babies. Especially babies that don’t have to be shot out of my own girly bits.

I’m also hesitant to mention morning sickness to any pregnant person because it’s sort of like trying to describe how much labor sucks. Because it TOTALLY does. So why bring up the unpleasantness, unless it’s to torture pregnant women with. I remember the particular glee in which older women bestowed their most horrifying pregnancy tales upon me while I was gestating. Right, because I really wanted to know how you tore hole to hole during delivery.

Anyway.

Here’s the down-low on morning sickness: it sucks. It sucks a lot. It’s a continuum of suck that varies from pregnancy-to-pregnancy and person-to-person.

However.

It dos not last.

Pregnancy is a finite experience. There is a beginning, a middle and and end. And while you’re going through it, you may, at times, wish you were dead, but believe me, that baby cannot stay in there forever.

Best of luck. And stock up on starchy things and mint gum. That’s how I survived.

P.S. Please name the baby Aunt Becky.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I find it silly that I’m writing to you for advice, because I think that deep down I know the answer.

Let me start off by saying I’m a people-pleaser. I spend my life making sure that everyone else around me is content. It’s what I do, it’s who I am.  

My husband of 8 years has been diagnosed with Bipolar and Intermittent  Explosive Disorder. In the last 8 years, he has “blacked out,” becoming violent with me several times. I have given ultimatums, told him he needs to get help, threatened taking away the kids, life, everything… and until 6 months ago, he refused help.

Since then, he’s been on medication and undergoing therapy. 2 weeks ago, I received a text message from him that was supposed to go to a “friend” alluding to selling his medication. I didn’t say anything at the time because I knew he would lie.

When I got home, I snooped. I know it’s not kosher but if he’s partaking in illegal activity, I figured it was an exception. While looking through his text messages, not only did I find evidence that he was selling his medication, I also found loads of texts between he and a girl he’d met on a recent vacation. He mentioned possibly moving an hour a way to move in with her, dirty pics to and from each other. He even professed his love for her.  

I was devastated.  

So I confronted him. I got bullshit excuses like, “oh it was just flirting. She’s been helping him with our relationship,” more crap that I didn’t believe. Once again, I let it go, figuring we’d try counseling.

That brings us to Sunday. Sunday, my oldest son’s father called me at work and told me that he’d gone to pick up our son and my husband was freaking out on our 2-year old daughter. From what my son’s dad said, my husband spanked her several times very hard, smacked her hand on the floor and then threw her on to the couch.  

He threatened to notify DHS if I didn’t take care of the situation. I left work as so as possible, went home and kicked him out. With much protest, he left.

Last night, he came over to talk. Once again, he filled my head with the “I regret this so much” “nobody hates this as much as I do” “I am so sorry” bullshit. What do I do? Should give him a second chance, even after all the chances I’ve given him. After all, I cannot afford a divorce. I have no one that can help me. I have nowhere to go. Without his income, I will get evicted from our house. (He won’t give me any money unless its court-ordered) I cannot let my kids move to another school again.

Then again, I cannot let this happen to any of my children ever again. 

I don’t want to completely fuck him over. 90% of the time hes a good dad. He loves our kids more than anything. I know this. He says he loves me, but I don’t believe that. When the IED gets out of control, it’s terrible. 

I don’t know what to think or do or feel or say. I am totally lost. My son said, “Mommy please don’t divorce daddy. That would be sad.” What do I do with that?

What do I do, AB? I’m stuck!

Oh Prankster, I’m so fucking sorry. What a terrible, unenviable position you’re in.

However, no amount of apologies can change the facts. Your husband abuses you and your child. It doesn’t matter why he’s doing it. It simply matters that he does and he has and he will again. If he genuinely cannot control himself during these attacks, I advise you to get as far away from him as possible and STAY there.

He’s not taking any personal accountability for his illness or trying to get better; he’s just feeding you lines of bullshit to keep you around. And for what? So you can be his punching bag?

You, Prankster, deserve loads better than what you’re getting. You don’t deserve this bullshit, you don’t deserve his abuse, and your children deserve better. Please get the hell out of there before the Pranksters have to come and get you..

I’m linking you to the Band Back Together resource page for domestic abuse, which has many different resources, including a state-by-state resource list, to help you get out of this situation.

And please, Prankster, keep us in the loop.

Let us know what happens.

We’re all rooting for you.

——————–

As always, Pranksters, please correct my shitty advice with your brilliant advice in the comments.

Pranksters, the time has come. Oh yes, it is time. Time to come to InterventionCon in DC and hang out with Your Favorite Aunt Becky. September 16-18, I will be hanging at the Con, selling my shirts and talking about how to be cool on the Internets. Or why Mommy Needs Vodka.

Which means, of course, I need to figure out HOW to be cool in the first place.

Any tips?

P.S. I’m driving from IL to DC, so maybe we can meet up along the way?

Dear Aunt Becky,

Saw these, thought of you, started rolling on the floor laughing, may have peed a bit, took a picture and attracted the attention of security. Not necessarily in that order. I mean, I cannot believe someone would have given up their entire collection with only ‘Mystic Throat Ripper’ and ‘Mystic Mark My Territory’ left to find.

Prankster, I’m only bitter that I wasn’t there.

You have no idea.

Dearest Aunt Becky,
A few months ago my sweet baby niece was diagnosed with a particularly bullshit form of cancer.

Long story short, I want to auction off some of her bad ass drawings online. Where should I get started? Suggestions please? Thank you.

Much love,
Megan

Dear Megan,

I’m so sorry about your niece and her bullshit cancer. Cancer is a fucking hot steaming pile of bullshit and I hate it hard. I think auctioning off her drawings is a lovely idear.

However, I am not entirely certain how online auctions go. If I did, I might, you know, SELL my nice DSL-R rather than simply let it gather dust.

So instead of telling you where to do it, I’m going to tell you where NOT to. My Pranksters will certainly know more about this stuff. (my only shitballs suggestion is to do it from your blog).

• ebay. Why? ebay is creepy. I am afraid of it. Like, deeply afraid of it.
• Craigslist. Why? Because Craigslist = Uncle Pervy. You don’t want her adorable drawings up next to someone’s penis picture. Because ew.

I don’t know about Etsy or anything, but I’d wait and see what the Pranksters come up with. They’re clever AND sexy.

Hey Aunt Becky,

You’re a pretty awesome woman-of-the -world or even just woman-in-general so I was wondering if you could give me some boy advice.

See, I started University this year coming from a school where I’d known all the boys from their grubby kindergarten days and now I see boys who I don’t know EVERYWHERE! And I have no idea how to talk to them.

Then 6 weeks ago (if you need the days and minutes as well I’d be happy to provide them)I saw this boy…sigh. I finally managed to speak to him one day on the bus (despite my nearly overwhelming urge to throw up) and at the time I thought it went well, but now what? How do I speak to him again without being weird? and what do I say? And how do I stop my voice from going really deep? (not cute husky deep, like weird deep).

Even if you could somehow teach me husky-deep that would be fine. Help me Aunt Becky!

your loving neice 🙂

Oh my sweet niece, how could I let you down? I cannot.

So here is Aunt Becky’s Advice for How To Deal With Boys:

1) Smack them across the head with something.

2) Bat your eyelashes at them.

3) Say, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to whack you with a 2×4”

4) Then they fall in love with you.

Or, you can always just do what my daughter does when she’s feeling shy. Cover your eyes and say, “Hi.”

Either way, the end result is TOTALLY the same.

Pranksters? Any thoughts?

————

As always, please submit your questions to Go Ask Aunt Becky and I will lackadaisically answer them with advice you should never take.

———–

I am at The Stir with two columns: Bowling for Babies and Stickers are the Minions of Satan. If nothing else, you should read the comments and report back because I can’t. Read them, I mean.

Also, if you want another side of me, you should read this: Meet Becky Harks. It’s a decent interview with probably non-hateful comments. P.S. Now you know my name.

Also, also: I hate to ask you about the whole “liking” me thing, but it would mean SO MUCH to me if you did. I hate myself for even asking.

Well, I never thought I’d have a question to ask Aunt Becky, but go figure. Although this may be a novel instead of a question.

Exhibit A – Nice divorced guy, friendly terms with his ex. My age. No apparent mental disorders (other than his last choice of girlfriends). Grown kids. Steady job that he’s been at for years in his chosen career field, doesn’t make a lot of money but it has nice perks. Thinks I’m gorgeous even though he’s seen me in a swimsuit.

Exhibit B – Nice guy. 23 years younger than I am. Single dad of a 18 month old daughter, baby momma is slightly psycho. Excellent work ethic with a good job. On probation for possession. Suffers from depression, anxiety disorder & panic attacks, OCD, bipolar disorder, probable borderline alcoholic. Thinks I’m sexy beyond description even though he’s seen me in flower-print cotton granny panties. Did I mention 23 f’in years younger than I am?

Guess which one I’m dating? Yeah. Exhibit B.

My question, you ask?

Why am I not making the logical, practical choice here?

A is a nice guy and a good friend…so is B. Both say I’m special and treat me like I am (and not the creepy ‘you can’t function without me’ sort of special).

But B makes me weak in the knees. Even better, we can sit in the same room and talk for hours, or not talk and all, and it’s still good.

So, WTF is wrong with me? IS there something wrong with me?

Signed,
Mrs. Robinson.

Well, I WOULD like to know a little bit about you for our files.

Sorry, couldn’t resist, Prankster. So, I’ve got a little bit to say about it, and I’m sure the other Pranksters will, too.

But it sounds like (I cannot believe I am about to type these words) you’re following your heart. And, in my opinion, that’s seldom a bad thing. Love is messy. It’s confusing. It’s fucked up. It has you do things like hitchhike across the country with a knapsack on your shoulder to be with The One, because that’s what you do when you’ve found The One.

Certainly practical Man A would be, well, practical. But life isn’t practical. And practical people are often dull as toast (says the woman who owns 800 Coach purses because you never know when you’re going to need another kicky purse).

I’d say, follow that heart of yours and remember that love isn’t a practical thing you can put in a box, quantify, and file away for later. It just is.

I wish you the best, Prankster.

Here’s to YOU, Mrs. Robinson!

——————

Dear Aunt Becky,

After 3 years of back-to-back shittastic relationships, I’m single for the first time. It’s great and fine and dandy. I’ve gone on dates with multiple guys and had fun with each of them. I’ve told them that I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now since I’ve been doing that for so long and only ended up getting hurt.

So ANYWAY. I recently went out with a former co-worker for drinks. We both had a great time, got flirtatious, but nothing happened. On Saturday he asked me to come over to his place to hang out. Once again, we had a great time.

This time, I put out. I usually don’t give it out to anybody, but I’ve known this guy for three years.

So now this is my problem: I like him, but there’s an age gap. He’s 39 and I’m 21. He has 3 sons who are 15 years old. How do I make these stupid feelings for him go away? It’s been established that we have a good time when we hang out, so can I keep dating him but leave those stupid feelings out of it?

Please help a poor girl out!

As it turns out, you probably can’t. Leave your feelings out of it, I mean. Since I’ve been doing work with these things called “feelings” myself, I’ve learned that they’re kinda tricky shit.

So I suggest that you sit down and be honest – really honest – with yourself. How will you feel if it turns out you were a booty call? Can you handle dating a guy with kids? Will you be okay if this truly becomes a casual dating thing and not True Love?

Once you know the answer to these, you’re off to a better start. But until then, I’ve recently learned these feeler-thingies can’t be turned off.

Good luck, Prankster.

——————

Hi Aunt Becky!

I was wondering if you and you kick-ass Band of Merry Pranksters could help me out.

I recently made a new friend who is going through a tough time. She recently went through a divorce to a man who isn’t worth the shit in my toilet. He cheated on her and left her for a woman who was over ten years younger with more children.

It’s just her and her child now and she’s completely heartbroken and devastated. I’m happily married so it’s hard for me to relate. I think she’s a great person and we really get along well, but I don’t know what I can say or do to go above just being a good friend and listener.

So help?

What else can I say to get her going on the right track?

Thank you so much for your help!

All right Pranksters, Your Aunt Becky needs your help with this (and the other two).

I don’t think there’s much you can do to ease her pain, besides letting her talk (and listen like a true friend) and being there for her when she needs you. It’s clear she’s devastated and needs someone to be a friend.

I’d suggest staying away from platitudes and advice, because I know how infuriating it is to hear advice when you’re really just looking to be comforted. There’s nothing you can do to take away her pain – unfortunately – and sometimes the best thing you can do is to be A Friend. Bring her meals, take her out sometimes (DO NOT TRY TO FIX HER UP WITH SOMEONE), arrange for help with the kid.

Because the betrayal of being cheated on, then left to be a single parent is something that only gets better over time. And I cannot imagine how gutted she must be at the moment.

I wish you luck and I’m sending her love and light.

—————-

Pranksters? Any advice? What should these (lovely, talented and drop-dead gorgeous) people do?

Dear Aunt Becky,

Just a quick one… can I block a site from looking me up.  I was checking out my stats (well… my blog stats) and found, much to my utter horror, that some porn site in Russia is sending quite a bit of traffic my way.

Now I’m all for traffic but I don’t know if I want some porno Russian reading up on my life… how do I do the Internet Protect thing?

It’s my NAME! I’m Working Mom… BUT NOT THAT KIND OF WORKING MOM, you Russian Nit!  I’m a Mom that works… at a job… full time… Maybe I should just change my name… But I’ve always been Working Mom…

Wails…

Oh, Dear Prankster, do I feel your plight. Here, let me show you:

You may have to click that to make it a bit bigger.

But this, this is taken from the Band Back Together stats thingy I use and there’s a zillion more like it. Now, Mommy Wants Vodka? Perhaps that would make sense. But Band Back Together is like, um, GOOD shit, and my blog, well, let’s be honest with ourselves here.

ANYWAY.

Now, I don’t ever block IP addresses. And if I did, it would require much hand-wringing and teeth-gnashing before I gave it over to The Daver.

But I’m going to do my best to help you. I will assume you run Windows Vista Firewall or Norton Anti-Virus Firewall. Let’s start with Norton, because I like the name better.

How To Block an IP Address if You Run Norton Internet Security:

1. Open Norton Internet Security and hit, “settings, under the field “internet.”
2. Hit, “advanced settings: configure” under “smart firewall. “
3. Hit “general rules: configure,” and the button, “add.”
4. Choose button, “block” and hit “next.”
5. Choose, “connections to and from other computers,” and hit “next.”
6. Choose, “only computers and sites listed below.”
7. Hit, “add” and type the IP address you’re blocking in the space.” Hit “okay” then “next.”
8. Hit “next” two times as the default settings are fine.
9. Give this firewall a nice name, like, “Russian porn,” and hit, “next” then “finish” to block this IP Address from stalking you again.

Then buy Aunt Becky a nice cup of coffee (read: vodka).

Blocking IP Addresses From Windows Vista:

1. Login to the admin account in Windows vista and hit “start.”
2. Type in “firewall,” and hit, “windows firewall with advanced security” located under “programs.”
3. Choose “inbound rules” on the left side of the firewall window.
4. Choose “custom” then hit “next.”
5. Choose “all programs” and hit “next.” And hit “next” again.
6. Choose “these IP addresses” in the area, “remote IP addresses.”
7. Hit “add” and type your Russian Porno site’s IP address in that area.
8. Hit “OK” then “next.”
9. Choose “block the connection” then hit “next.”
10. Type in a nice descriptive name for this firewall rule (Russian Porno Site) and hit “next,” then “finish” to block ’em.
11. Choose “outbound rules” on the left side of the firewall window and repeat steps four through ten.

Then buy Aunt Becky thirty cups of coffee or at least one.

Good luck, Prankster. And if it’s any consolation, they’re probably NOT reading your archives.

Dear Aunt Becky,

How come in your new schmantzy pants website you no longer link to We Know Awesome? Also, what on earth are schmantzy pants?  I think I made up a word. By pants I mean underwear as I am English btw!

Ah, Prankster, I’m glad as hell you pointed it out. I’d thought there WAS a button up for We Know Awesome and seeing that it’s not sent me into a “THAT’S BULLSHIT,” rage. Having my designer work something up so we can fix this.

Thank you for letting me know!

Dear Awesomest Aunt Becky;

I have been dating a man for 4 years, after being divorced for 1.  Every 6 months or so he decides that he has “loving feelings” towards me but he doesn’t have desire for me physically.  So we break up, during which time we fuck like bunnies.

So we admit that we are really still together and go back to being BF/GF.  So we are in yet another “slump” and I’m not sure what to do.  Do I tell him that I am done with this even though I love him to death as does my 6 y/o son?  Or do I wait it out knowing he’ll swing back the other way soon enough?

Thanks for your advice!
Lisa

Oh Lisa, I’ve been with That Guy before and he kinda sucks. But he’s kinda awesome, too.

So here’s my advice: do you like this limbo? Do you like not knowing whether you’re going to be dating or not? Can you handle the back and forth of it all? Is it worth it?

Because if the answer to any of those is, “no,” I’d suggest moving on. Love or not, you deserve someone who loves and desires you all of the time, not someone who keeps you in limbo.

That’s just my two cents. Which probably make zero sense.

Pranksters?

Dear Aunt Becky,

Wanted to know where my shirt was! I ordered one of your awesome shirts and it hasn’t arrived! HALP!

Oh Prankster, you made my day. I love it when you guys buy my shirts. Because I think they’re full of the awesome.

I spoke with my shirt guy (who currently stocks my stuff) and he’s mailing out a number of the shirts on Monday. They screen print the shirts and I know they’re done now, so, you know, thanks for your patience.

Email me at becky.harks@gmail.com if you don’t get it by Wednesday of this week (or so).

And send me a picture of yourself wearing it for my Gallery of Awesome Shirts! Doing something wacky, you know? I like wacky. And if you have a blog, send me the URL so I can add it.

Dear Pranksters,

What do you think of a “Mommy Drinks Because You Cry” shirt?

Love,

Aunt Becky

—————

As always, Pranksters, please pick up where I left off in the comments! And tell us your creepiest stalker IP addresses.

OH and stalker stories. I love stalker stories.

Dear Aunt Becky,

First let me say I fucking LOVE this place. I see myself in you, but not in the creepy way. As in we have the same personality and I tend to respond to things how you do :). I love ya!

Anyway. I have 3 living children – all girls. I’ve lost two pregnancies in the third trimester. One was eight years ago and one was two months ago. I do not want any more children. But my dreams are filled with being pregnant, hearing babies crying, etc. Even during the day, I hear a baby cry. What do I do? Is this normal? My worldview eight years ago was different and I kind of never dealt with the loss. So I didn’t have to feel the pain, I suppose. And I guess I’m doing that now….

Why am I doing this?

Thanks Aunt Becky,

LW in Misery (Missouri)

First, Prankster, let me tell you how sorry I am for your losses. I have a number of friends who have lost babies and there is nothing more devastating.

I’m no shrink, but two third trimester losses sounds like a hell of a stressful thing to live through, so props to you for surviving. Seriously.

Your last loss was two months ago which means you’re still in the postpartum period, so I’d venture an unprofessional guess that you’re experiencing a bit of postpartum depression AND PTSD WHILE grieving your losses. The nightmares and flashbacks are classic post-traumatic stress disorder and your losses, well, they’re significant.

(I’m linking you there to the resource pages on Band Back Together. I hope they help a bit)

Prankster, I’m going to say this and I don’t want to be preachy or peachy or anything fruit-flavored (purple is a flavor. NOT grape), but I think you should see someone. Just talk to someone. You need to get this grief out because it’s eating you up.

And, because we see a lot of baby loss on the site, maybe you should write your story for Band Back Together. Getting it all out, well, it could help you, or someone else reading.

But please, talk to someone.

Much love to you, Prankster. I wish you nothing but healing and light.

Dear Aunt Becky,

First off, LOVE the blog, and the fact that my mother told me I should read you because you sound like me makes me come to your site every day.

Aaaannnyway, so my ex-dipshit and I have joint custody of our 9 year-old son. Said son is usually with his dad (multitude of reasons, mostly because I’m in school), but with me this summer.

Now, I’m not a hardass, but remember when we were kids and our parents told us to, “Go play in the street,” or some other shit like that?

Well, apparently now it’s “the thing” to sit on your ass all day and hop from gaming system to gaming system, and that’s their exercise.  I call BULLSHIT!  So when I suggest my son go on a bike ride with me this morning, he threw a hissy fit.  I basically had to MAKE him come with me, where the whole time he had a major melt-down and finally when we got home, I sent him to his room to calm the hell down.  Well, actually, it was so I could calm down before I had my OWN temper tantrum.

So, after all that rambling there, here is my question: Short of beating your kids our the door with a wooden spoon and locking the door, what the hell do we do with kids these days?

Thanks!
Short-tempered in Minnesota

See, I have a nine (almost ten) year old son too. Did you know what a complete and total motherfucking idiot I am? He does. Did you know how much I suck at life? He does. Did you know how much I fail at breathing properly? He does.

And he’ll motherfucking TELL your ass about it. He tells me constantly, with the eye-rolling and the “you shut your whore mouth, Mom,” attitude.

I think ages nine through twenty-two are a lost cause for our kids. I’d expected to have him not loathe the very oxygen I’m forced to inhale a little longer, but apparently *feet stomp* not.

So just grin and motherfucking bear it. When in doubt, there’s always vodka.

P.S. Lock his whiny ass outside.

Hi Aunt Becky:

I’m wondering if you’ve ever waxed the hair in your nose.

It’s actually pretty painless.  And as I approach 39 years, I hate the hair in my nose more and more.
However, my friend recently told me I am risking sending those pesky staph germs that my nose hairs supposedly catch straight up the 3 inches to my brain.  Which leads to all kinds of bad shit.
Your thoughts?

Piper

OHHOLYFUCKNO.

I’ve never waxed my nose hairs. I’m actually sitting here with one hand over my nose (a total lie) because that sounds epically painful. Like worse than having to sit through a Celene Dion concert.

Your nose hairs do serve a purpose (some of ours a bushier purpose than others), and that’s to catch germs. Kinda like pubic hair.

But I doubt you’re waxing high enough up there to worry about that. I mean, you’d have to go pretty fucking high.

And I’d have to BE pretty fucking high to do that. If I were that high, I’d probably think listening to Leonard Skynard and eating six soft shell tacos from Taco Bell was a good idea, not pain.

But that’s me.

———–

As always, Pranksters, fill in where I left off in the comments. Because, as my son would gladly tell you, I suck at life and probably should never answer another question again.