Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Pranksters, the time has come. Oh yes, it is time. Time to come to InterventionCon in DC and hang out with Your Favorite Aunt Becky. September 16-18, I will be hanging at the Con, selling my shirts and talking about how to be cool on the Internets. Or why Mommy Needs Vodka.

Which means, of course, I need to figure out HOW to be cool in the first place.

Any tips?

P.S. I’m driving from IL to DC, so maybe we can meet up along the way?

Dear Aunt Becky,

Saw these, thought of you, started rolling on the floor laughing, may have peed a bit, took a picture and attracted the attention of security. Not necessarily in that order. I mean, I cannot believe someone would have given up their entire collection with only ‘Mystic Throat Ripper’ and ‘Mystic Mark My Territory’ left to find.

Prankster, I’m only bitter that I wasn’t there.

You have no idea.

Dearest Aunt Becky,
A few months ago my sweet baby niece was diagnosed with a particularly bullshit form of cancer.

Long story short, I want to auction off some of her bad ass drawings online. Where should I get started? Suggestions please? Thank you.

Much love,

Dear Megan,

I’m so sorry about your niece and her bullshit cancer. Cancer is a fucking hot steaming pile of bullshit and I hate it hard. I think auctioning off her drawings is a lovely idear.

However, I am not entirely certain how online auctions go. If I did, I might, you know, SELL my nice DSL-R rather than simply let it gather dust.

So instead of telling you where to do it, I’m going to tell you where NOT to. My Pranksters will certainly know more about this stuff. (my only shitballs suggestion is to do it from your blog).

  • ebay. Why? ebay is creepy. I am afraid of it. Like, deeply afraid of it.
  • Craigslist. Why? Because Craigslist = Uncle Pervy. You don’t want her adorable drawings up next to someone’s penis picture. Because ew.

I don’t know about Etsy or anything, but I’d wait and see what the Pranksters come up with. They’re clever AND sexy.

Hey Aunt Becky,

You’re a pretty awesome woman-of-the -world or even just woman-in-general so I was wondering if you could give me some boy advice.

See, I started University this year coming from a school where I’d known all the boys from their grubby kindergarten days and now I see boys who I don’t know EVERYWHERE! And I have no idea how to talk to them.

Then 6 weeks ago (if you need the days and minutes as well I’d be happy to provide them)I saw this boy…sigh. I finally managed to speak to him one day on the bus (despite my nearly overwhelming urge to throw up) and at the time I thought it went well, but now what? How do I speak to him again without being weird? and what do I say? And how do I stop my voice from going really deep? (not cute husky deep, like weird deep).

Even if you could somehow teach me husky-deep that would be fine. Help me Aunt Becky!

your loving neice šŸ™‚

Oh my sweet niece, how could I let you down? I cannot.

So here is Aunt Becky’s Advice for How To Deal With Boys:

1) Smack them across the head with something.

2) Bat your eyelashes at them.

3) Say, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to whack you with a 2×4”

4) Then they fall in love with you.

Or, you can always just do what my daughter does when she’s feeling shy. Cover your eyes and say, “Hi.”

Either way, the end result is TOTALLY the same.

Pranksters? Any thoughts?


As always, please submit your questions to Go Ask Aunt Becky and I will lackadaisically answer them with advice you should never take.


I am at The Stir with two columns: Bowling for Babies and Stickers are the Minions of Satan. If nothing else, you should read the comments and report back because I can’t. Read them, I mean.

Also, if you want another side of me, you should read this: Meet Becky Harks. It’s a decent interview with probably non-hateful comments. P.S. Now you know my name.

Also, also: I hate to ask you about the whole “liking” me thing, but it would mean SO MUCH to me if you did. I hate myself for even asking.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
13 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On August 21st, 2011 at 8:53 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Oh! You are going to be near me!! Well, 2 hours away from me but still… I could totally meet up with you but it would be in northern Virginia close enough to your destination you probably won’t want to stop but I think there are other Pranksters in the area. What interstate are you coming in on? I70, I66, up I64?

  2. On August 21st, 2011 at 9:56 am Aubrey Says:

    How are you driving to DC? I am jealous I wish I could go. Not sure which route you are taking but if you take 80 south towards peoria I could be on the way. Also why do you want to sell your DSLR? That is crazy talk! I am in love with mine, seriously I think I am going to plan a wedding. But then I see others and I envision long walks on the beach with them and know I can not commit to just one DSLR.
    I really don’t have any advice to help anyone out but I am waiting to hear how to get boys to fall in love with you because I need one too…

  3. On August 21st, 2011 at 10:00 am sarah p Says:

    WHAT? I’m so there. I’ll Metro in.

  4. On August 21st, 2011 at 10:30 am Michelel Says:

    I would suggest ETSY. I sold on there for a great many years. the listing fees are low, and it has a better user interface than artfire. You’re supposed to sell your own wares, unless the artist is under age, so I’m sure you’re just barely in the clear there.

    As for chatting up strange boys, I’m still trying to figure that out myself, and I’m 28! Hence why my lame ass is a member of 2 free online dating sites. šŸ™ pathetic, I know.

  5. On August 21st, 2011 at 1:49 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:

    i don’t know what the fuck this conference shit is about. all i know is how much i am seething with anger that you didn’t tell me you were coming to DC. you’re a cuntbag and i will be there with my STWM tshirt to hump your leg upon arrival.


  6. On August 21st, 2011 at 3:02 pm Alexis Says:

    Megan, I know nothing about auctioning anythingm but if nd when you decide to prt with the drwings, I’ll buy one or two if they’re not way out of my price range. I don’t have a credit card, but one of my aunts will help me by letting me use one of theres, i’m sure, as long as I pay them back. I’ll even buy an extra one if I can for my cousin (I didn’t know she was my cousin until i found out today that she is also a niece of Aunt becky, which automatically makes us related) who posted here today who’s going to college, so she can put one in her dorm room to help her feel less lone;y. She’ll have tp give her address to someone in order for that to happen, but maybe she’ll give it to you.

    Whatever you decided to do, please come back to this site and keep us posted so we know where to find the aunction of your niece’s priceless artwork.

    Wishing you and your niece the best fortune God, the universe, or anyone else can provide,

  7. On August 21st, 2011 at 6:47 pm Taube Says:

    Goo Gone will dissolve sticker messes. Also good for removing duct tape. : )

  8. On August 22nd, 2011 at 6:43 am onecookieshort Says:

    I think Etsy is a great place to sell the drawings, since it does tend to be an artsier site, rather than an auction site.

    Also, I have never heard of the Interventioncon before, but now I want to go just to meet you.

  9. On August 22nd, 2011 at 7:02 am The Daver Says:

    So let Uncle The Daver share a little bit about boys:

    We’re morons. Most of us will be just as tongue-tied and deep-voiced (or squeaky-voiced, which is how I was) as you say you are. Fear not, and try your best to just be yourself: the boys you don’t know were once just as much grubby kindergarteners as the boys you knew. So be YOU, say hello, give the one you like a bigger smile than the rest, and have fun with it. Pretty soon they’ll be writing Aunt Becky asking how they should talk to you, too.

    And for peeps between Chicago and DC: email me or Tweet at me and let me know where you’re at! It’s BEST if you come out to Intervention and find us there, since we’ll have more time to hang out, but if we can find spots to stop in the middle, then we’ll see what we can hook up.

  10. On August 22nd, 2011 at 2:30 pm stephanie Says: is a great site for charity stuff, they ‘adopt’ a person a month and help them out. The readers are also hilariously snarky witty and fun. sometimes, but mostly.

  11. On August 23rd, 2011 at 7:43 pm Manda Says:

    Oh, Aunt Becky, I just laughed so hard at your tips on talking to boys that I cried and snorted. And Amelia covers her eyes and says hi?? That’s unbelievably precious.

  12. On August 24th, 2011 at 11:24 am ArykaNotErika Says:

    OMG!!!!! AB IN CHOCOLATE CITY !!! ( well actually a suburb of DC, i know this because I got the info from THE DAVER) So when are we meeting up ya Slore ?

  13. On August 29th, 2011 at 3:55 pm Michy Says:

    Oh HELLO I will totally meet you along the way – so like I’ll email y’all when I remember and you tell me when and where. Muahaha. I totally wish I could jump over to DC.

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