Go Ask Aunt Becky
Dear Aunt Becky:
I am married (no kids).
I am from NJ living in the South; where people typically don’t like to speak their mind. I have some single gals (some recently divorced) who make horrible decisions with men! They date guys many states away, date the wrong guys, bring new guys around their kids on first dates, move waaaaaay to fast with creepers.
I am not conservative, but watching them spin their lives around even more is painful. So here’s my question Aunt Becky: do I sit back like everyone else and see what happens or do I speak my mind?
These gals are fragile and I fear I may not help the cause much!
Ah Prankster, this is a conundrum that many of us find ourselves in from time to time. Been there, done that, proudly worn the t-shirt.
So you’re wondering if you should continue to shut your (un)whore mouth and see which shit rises to the top or you should attempt to dissuade your friends from making horrible decisions.
But here’s the problem with opening your presumably un(whore) mouth: a lot of times, people don’t want to hear the truth, no matter how obvious. I remember distinctly when people warned me away from the person who would become the father of my first child. They were clearly in the right, however, what I remember is being hurt that my friends simply couldn’t be happy for me.
When you’re in the middle of a bad idea streak, it’s hard to see what’s what.
As hard as it was for me to hear, my friends were, as I stated, right and I respect (now) that they opened their (un)whore mouths.
So, the question, dear Prankster, is this: can you handle it if your friends tell you to fuck off no matter how politely you phrase it? If the answer is yes, then I say speak up, Prankster! If the answer is no, I’d say to shut your (un)whore mouth, grab a vodka and sit the fuck back and watch.
Good luck, Prankster. I’ll be sitting here, wearing my t-shirt and, like you, waiting to see what happens.
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Dear Aunt Becky,
I know this is probably a question asked allll the time, because what teenage girl DOESN’T (at one point) fall for their best guy friend?
He’s been my best friend since early middle school – six years now. We’ve gone through all the stages together: from sweet and innocent to hanging out to watch PG-13 movies, talking on the phone for hours, growing into rebellious teenagers, smoking pot together, stealing pills from our parents, and having amazing bonfires together.
Everything that I’ve done and grown into – or out of – was with him. He taught me stand up for myself when guys were dicks.
Then the day came, when all of a sudden, he wasn’t just my best friend – he was the guy I fell head of heels for. Now we’re both close to adulthood.
People encourage me to get over him, because there’s no chance we’ll be together, but I remember when he went to my uncle’s house (while I was in school) and sat and cried to my aunt; worried about my pill addiction. How he was “too in love with me” to see this happen. He never told me.
I dated his roommate. He told me he CAN’T be around me unless I break up with him. All the boyfriends I’ve had, he’s found a reason to hate. I don’t understand.
Recently, my other best friend died and it feels like my best friend died with him. I don’t know what to do. He’s changed – has his own life now – over-medicating himself and hanging out with horrible people.
I don’t miss the guy he is today, I miss the person I know he is.
Do I stay and see if he makes it through? Or do I move on with my life? For three years, I haven’t found an answer.
Prankster, I’d like to start this answer with a story. Once upon a time, Young Aunt Becky was In Love with her best friend. Only he wasn’t QUITE my best friend. And Young Aunt Becky, being a shyish (shut UP Pranksters) young thang, was nervous to tell him. So she didn’t.
And?
Turns out, he was gay.
But that last bit is extraneous information. So let’s ignore it and focus upon YOU again.
Prankster, if I could go back in time and save Young Aunt Becky YEARS (yes, YEARS) of heartache by opening my whore mouth and spilling mah feelers to this (gay) guy, I would’ve. Why? Because saying something beats the FUCK out of wondering…for years.
So I suggest that you grab the balls I never had and tell him. The worst that can happen? You find out he’s gay. Or um, wait, that’s me again. The worst that can happen is that he doesn’t feel the same way you do. And then? At least you don’t have to spend a second longer wondering about it.
Grab those balls, Prankster. Grab ’em and use ’em.
Let us know how it goes.
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Dear Aunt Becky,
I have been dating this guy off and on (mostly on) for 5 years now. Recently while waiting for him to get off work I over heard him tell they guys “I’m never getting married again..” which I thought was funny because just last April he told me that once we got some things worked out he would buy me THE ring and I could start planning a wedding (Yes, he used THOSE words).
Now, he denies that, and says he’s never getting married.
We could possibly have the same address but never the same last name.
Am I just wasting my time here? Is it time to call it a day and move on? I really need an impartial opinion here and frankly I trust you the mostest.
Dearest Prankster,
This is the question you have to ask yourself: is it more important to get married or is it more important to stay with this guy?
If the answer is “it’s more important to get married, DUH, AB,” then you know what you have to do. You have to call the relationship off, tell him to piss off, and find someone who shares your desire to get married. There are dudes out there who will happily get married.
If the answer is “it’s more important to be together, DUH, AB” then you stay, forget about the comment he made about getting married and settle into a life wherein you do NOT share a last name. There’s no reason that marriage has to = commitment (although I do understand it’s a deeper level of commitment).
Either way, this is your call, my dear friend, and I wish you the very best of luck.
————
Pranksters, please help me help these brilliant question askers out by giving them better advice than I did. Please? PLEASE?
*wrings hands*
WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?
*wrings hands*
Oh to be in love with your best friend. I was with mine in high school. FOR YEARS. We dated- for four months and then we did not speak again for another 8 years and he found me on what was the then-cool myspace. He is once again one of my “people”- you know those that you can go for years without talking to and when you do it is like no time has passed. I have not seen him in person in over a decade, but he will be getting an invitation to my marriage in a month to my current/forever best friend.
High school and early college are tough years because you are changing so much and trying to figure everything out. Follow your heart, and you will have no regrets. If it does not work out then at least you tried and even if you can not be in-love with him, that does not mean the you can not love him. Good luck!
To the first writer:
I was a transplant from Jersey (born and raised) to the South as well. After six years of that repressed bullshit I moved back to Jersey. But I digress. I have never been able to keep my mouth shut and due to that fact didn’t make many friends down there. The one I did make for 5 years ended up getting sick of my shit too. My friends in Jersey….different story. A true friend speaks her mind and lets her friends know how she feels. What I’ve learned is to speak it and then drop it. I get my message across and let them wear their big girl pants to make their own decisions. If these women are making bad choices after bad choices and you are tired of hanging around with a bunch of wimpy door mats, I say get out of there. I’d rather go to a movie alone and have coffee afterward with myself than with a doormat who is just going to annoy me with her constant stories of some idiot guy walking all over her.
Are you seeing why I’m back in Jersey now? tee hee hee.
You gave awesome advice to all three. I couldn’t even begin to top it.
To the NJ transplant: I’ve been in a similar situation with a couple of my own friends and I recently was chastised by one of them for being so bossy to her when she’s out for a good time. I told her that maybe her other friends would pat her on the back and cheer her on while she made stupid decisions, but I was a real friend who would rather tell a drunk friend when to say no and go home. No one likes to be told what to do so I understand your worry, but if your heart is in the right place I think you should speak your mind and maybe save them some heart ache.
I don’t have a sarcastic, obnoxious comment for this one. I honestly, honestly thought your answers were perfect. And I’m not even drunk!
Like Dark Mother said….”a true friend speaks her mind”…..because she cares.
My answer to the first question varies depending on the specifics. I actually got rid of a friend many years ago over a similar situation. I was going to college and got involved with a guy who was a mess. My friend told me he was no good and I needed to get rid of him. It would have been good advice from her if she’d EVER MET HIM. She hadn’t. She was never supportive of any of my relationships unless she had a part of setting me up with a guy. I never told her anything bad about this guy, and she had no way of knowing anything weird about him. That wasn’t the only problem with our friendship, but that was the start of it’s official destruction – I felt like her job was to support my decisions, and she couldn’t do that. But if you’ve seen firsthand what the guy is like, that’s different. I think you need to be gentle with what you say so you don’t insult your friend’s taste and emotions, but do say something in that case.
As for dating best friends? I did that. In our case, it didn’t work. While we’re amazing as friends, we make a horrible couple. But that’s not the case with everyone. When you’re married, your spouse should be your best friend, so why not start with your best friend?? Finding out if there’s a mutual attraction and seeing if something good can come of it could definitely be worth it!
Great advice!
To the woman with the boyfriend who says he won’t get married, I’d add, that if you say you want to get married, ask yourself why. If the answer is anything close to “because that’s what’s supposed to happen,” think a little harder. If you want children and want the legal protection that marriage provides, if your religion necessitates marriage in order to live together, etc. You, or others in your situation may find that there isn’t a compelling reason for marriage, and it’s not settling, or giving up anything to go without. On the flip side, if you go through this exercise and come up even stronger on the marriage side, then you have solidified your position and can break up with more conviction and less remorse. Just don’t make major life decisions based on taking for granted the way relationships should work!
For the second Prankster, I wanna second Aunt Becky’s advice about grabbing some balls (preferably your own) and letting him know how you feel.
My advice comes from being in your shoes-ish when I was your age. I was, in love with one of my very good guy friends, who remains, to this day, the coolest guy I’ve ever known. I knew he didn’t feel the same way, but I wish like hell I’d told him how I felt. He died 10 years ago. I’ve never gotten over him, and I miss him like crazy and regret more than I can say that I never told him exactly how I felt. And now, I never can. You don’t get to go back, and while I’ve said a whole bunch of stupid shit in my life, what I regret most is what I didn’t say.
Maybe you telling him how you feel can give him a reason to stop self-medicating…or it might not, but at least you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering and thinking you should have said something.
For #1 – tell the girls they’re being titty-babies and to SNAP OUT OF IT. They need to learn about boundaries and balance and being HEALTHY. Also, being alone for a period helps get you to a healthy place where you’re able to date prooperly and make good adult choices.
For #2 – tell him you’re in love with him. You’re young enough to be able to move on if he says he’s gay. Or if he stays addicted or sick and he can’t be with you.
For #3 – what’s the damn fascination with being married? So many people want the wedding, but forego the actual relationship. Why is being married to him so important? If he’s worth marrying and it’s REAL TRUE LOVE, then no ring will make any difference. You’ll be together regardless.
Just my 2-cents…and i’m sticking to it.
For #3, I see a giant red flag, and it’s not about differing marriage desires. This guy told YOU he wanted to get married, then he told someone else that he never would, and then he told you he never said that. He’s gaslighting you, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he did it in other areas of your lives as well. In fact, I would be extremely surprised if he didn’t. I’m really sorry you are going through this, and my suggestion is to cut and run. You’ll save yourself a lot of grief. I agree that the question boils down to whether you want to be with him or get married, and would suggest that the real question is whether you want to be with him at all. Try to spend some time, instead of wondering if he will ever marry you, thinking quietly about whether he is really the guy you want to spend your life with. What are your desires, rather than what are his desires.