Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Dear Aunt Becky,

A little more than a month ago I found out my best friend, who is only 16 like me, was cutting. After my initial shock, with a lot of arguing and tears, I managed to convince her to tell her parents and get help. Since then she has been diagnosed with depression and has begun seeing a therapist.

Just recently she was talking about how she is sort of relieved that it’s out, but that she feels like any therapist can’t really help her, and she is anxious about getting medication.

I know that this process is really rough in the beginning and that over time she might find a combination of therapy and/or medication that works for her, but for now I want to help her in anyway that I can. I’m always try to listen to her, but she says that talking about it doesn’t really make her feel better.

How else can I help and support her?

Prankster, can I just tell you how proud I am to know you? What an amazing friend you are to your friend? Because you are. I hope that one day you, too, will be MY friend. You’re a good soul.

As for what you can do for your friend, just be patient. Listen when she needs you to. Acknowledge that her pain is really real. Suggest alternatives to cutting. Offer gentle, quiet support every day, and remind her that she is loved. Being stuck underwater with depression, well, that means it’s often hard to see the surface; remind yourself that there ARE people above holding out there hands.

So stand by her, encourage her as best you can, and remind her that she is so, so loved.

All of us should be so lucky to have a friend like you.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I need some advice. First let me just say that you are hilarious and when I grow up I want to be just like you 🙂
Now, some background information. I’m 25, married to a wonderful man and mother to a wonderful 3 year old. We both have steady jobs and work full time. Currently we are living paycheck to paycheck, just scraping by. My husband wants another baby. I don’t.

At least I don’t think I do.

I do a majority of the housework, dishes, laundry all that jazz on top of working 40 hours a week. Due to my husband’s hours I also do the majority of the child-rearing. Add three dogs and a cat to the mix and by bedtime I am completely exhausted. Not to mention the fact that we have very little family support. My biological mother is incarcerated and the woman who raised me passed away two years ago. So that leaves me an orphan. My in-laws are fantastic but they are in their late 60’s and 70’s.

I am terrified that if we have another child we are going to drown. I was raised poor, so as long as we have a roof overhead (we do) and food for our bellies (we do), I’m happy. At this point, the only thing that is keeping me on the birth control is money. We just don’t have enough of it.

Is it ridiculous to want to wait until we are more financially stable? Please help Aunt Becky!


Less Money, Mo’ Problems

Ah, the old quandary: when to have another baby.

I’m afraid I can’t answer that question easily, but I can say this: waiting until the time is easier financially is much less stressful on your life. I’ve had a baby when I was so butt-broke I couldn’t even buy him a single thing myself. I relied on the kindness of strangers, who were unbelievably kind to me. That didn’t make it less hard. Then, I’ve had babies who I can – without thinking too much – buy formula, diapers, and clothes for. While I’ve managed both sets of circumstances, it’s much harder the first way.

However, that does not mean it is impossible.

But you should wait until YOU are ready to have a second child. Spending nine months waddling around is hardest on you, not anyone else.

I wish you the best of luck, Prankster.

Dearest Rockin’ Aunt Becky,

I’m due soon with my very first crotch parasite.  So I’m doing all my first time parental duties and reading the books, checking out the websites and generally preparing.

Why is it that in every book or website the people post how “magical” and “wonderful” this whole pregnancy thing is?  I’m sorry, not one bit of this has been “magical” for me.  I gained 10 lbs of bloat during the first trimester, have zits the size of jupiter, was sick for 15 weeks,  and am generally unhappy.  I have a child growing inside me who has been kicking me so hard since 16 weeks I jump out of my chair at work.  Typical posts online are “oh i loved it when my baby kicked it was such a wonderful feeling”.  

What? Really? How is it wonderful? I feel like my insides are being pummeled into tenderized meat.

I’m wondering when I’m going to feel the “magic”.  Is it a drug women take? I feel really alone in feeling like this and everytime I post something about it on Facebook or The Twitter people think I’M the crazy one.  I’ve learned to just shut up and take it b/c my lonely “miserable while pregnant” island has a pretty small population, of One, me.

So in conclusion, Aunt Becky, Please tell me I’m not the only one who can’t WAIT for this stage to be over and to hold my little girl.  

If I am the only one who feels this way, please mail me some of those “I Love Pregnancy” drugs everyone seems to be taking (along with a Shut Your Whore Mouth t-shirt).

Truthfuly yours,
Knockered up in RI

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Are you kidding? ARE YOU KIDDING? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I love my children dearly, but I will be the FIRST to admit that I was the most miserable, unhappy, fat, and unpleasant pregnant woman on the plant. Maybe you’d have sat on MY misery island with me.

Read THIS.

Feel better? You should.

P.S. Better name the baby “Aunt Becky.” Just, you know, because.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
19 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On October 16th, 2011 at 12:39 am Jaime Says:

    I think that last part scared the crap out of me so badly I will never have children ever….. lol

  2. On October 16th, 2011 at 10:31 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  3. On October 16th, 2011 at 8:56 am Amanda Says:

    Knocked up in RI…

    I feel the same way. (I just reached the 7mo mark with my first.) Especially when people tell me that it will all be worth it. It probably will be. But I’m reserving judgement on that for later.

  4. On October 16th, 2011 at 10:32 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I totally understand that.

  5. On October 16th, 2011 at 12:50 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Sounds like caller number two already has four kids and a cat. Have hubby take care of the “little darlings” for a week and then they can talk.

    …how “magical” and “wonderful” this whole pregnancy thing is…
    Probably written by a guy.

  6. On October 16th, 2011 at 1:43 pm Maria Says:

    Knockered UP, I also felt like a total asshole for not being all “OMG a life inside of ME!?!?!”. You are not alone. She’s totally kick-ass now and ended up being worth it, but I’m not doing that again.

  7. On October 16th, 2011 at 2:12 pm Liz Says:

    I did have a great pregnancy the first time. I did not the second. I loved being pregnant with my first. With my second, I was ready to be done from the moment I got the BFP+. It sucks when you are expecting that perfect preggers paradise vacation, and instead you are fat, bloated, sick, tired, and feel horrible. After my second, I was done. I knew I was done. I could not do that again, especially while raising the two I had, plus the dog and husband. It was too much. Husband had himself snipped when #2 was 2 weeks old. He said he couldn’t handle me pregnant again either. (No, don’t hate him for that – I was so miserable, and combined with bed rest, a toddler, and his office mate due at the same time, dude.)

  8. On October 16th, 2011 at 4:33 pm christine Says:

    Aunt Becky, Did you know its John C. Mayer’s birthday? And? His fans put together a video. No joke.

  9. On October 16th, 2011 at 5:50 pm Johi Says:

    @Knockered Up-
    I love my children, I really do. Even on those days that I thank God that he made them so cute to prevent me from eating them, I still love them
    However, I loathed pregnancy. I was exhausted, ill-tempered, unstable and HUGE. I just sat around growing extra chins and watching the Gilmore Girls because everything else made me cry. If anyone comes up to you and tells you all about how much they loved their pregnancy, look them right in the eye and say dryly “Good for you.”
    You can still love your baby without loving being pregnant. Just sayin’….

  10. On October 17th, 2011 at 4:16 am Archaeogoddess Says:

    Dear God me too! I have seen every episode of GG – twice! It was the only thing that kept me from bawling like a complete idiot! Cat food commercials? *sob* “Look how much that man loves his cat! He bought Whiskas!!” *sob*

    I hated pregnancy. And I hated all the people who said “I hate people who say they hate pregnancy!” One of my close friends actually said this and I was about 6 or 7 months preggers at the time and the rage that flashed through my veins – my God it was like liquid lightning – I actually saw the red haze descend. That I managed to not kill her at that moment is the REAL miracle of procreation.

    That said, I absolutely adore my little girl, enough that I’ll do the 9 months again to bring her a brother or sister to fight play with. So even if you never feel that “magic” moment of “wow, a life inside me!” (I sure as hell never did. I had moments where I felt like that scene in Alien, where the creature burst through John Hurts’ chest. Magic? MAGIC?? There are two of us occupying the same time/space – THIS IS UNNATURAL!!) – it was the greatest relief and joy to be able to hold her. And point her little kicking legs at Daddy, instead. Heh heh heh. Take that sperm-bag!

  11. On October 16th, 2011 at 10:22 pm Kate Says:

    BWAHAHA! Man, I am SO glad I’m not the only one having raunchy sex with every person I’ve ever met.

    …In my dreams, mind you. No such luck in real life.

  12. On October 17th, 2011 at 8:08 am Stephanie K. Says:

    I hate pregnancy. I just had my third baby two weeks ago and I hated pregnancy worse each time I was crazy enough to do it. I’m not sure what part of that horritude to supposed to feel wonderful and magical. The best part was the time from when I found out that I was pregnant until I descended into the abyss of all day sickness….a whole 5-6 days. The rest of the time I was an angry pregnant woman.

  13. On October 17th, 2011 at 8:28 am anne Says:

    to the first prankster: You did a lot already. I think just being a normal friend will already be invaluable. Now it’s time to the psychiatrist to do its job, she needs a specialist.
    to the second prankster: you are so young! you can wait until you want to have a second child. There is no rush here!
    to knockered up: I love my girl and want a second one, but I don’t want to be pregnant again. Even if my pregnancy was not complicated at all and I wasn’t that sick I can’t say I liked it!

    Good luck girls!

  14. On October 17th, 2011 at 8:56 am Dusty Says:

    Knockered up in RI,

    You are SO not alone. I was miserable all 4 times I was pregnant. Small beings inside practicing for the World Cup or possibly seeing if they could make Mommy stop breathing by kicking repeatedly in the diaphragm is not ”magical.”‘ I LOVE my boys to death but promptly get my tubes tied at 25 hours after spitting the last one out just so I wouldn’t have to go through that crap again. That being said it is your hormonal and pregnant right to gripe, bitch and moan about anything if you aren’t feeling the magic. Pranksters will back you up.

  15. On October 17th, 2011 at 10:12 am Knockered Up in RI Says:

    thanks everyone! you make me feel sane! as only fans of AB could!

    i KNOW i’ll love my kid. i’m very maternal. i hate (with a firey passion) the stupid fish tank my boyfriend bought but i still insisit on coddling the dang fish like they’re little children. i take great care of my house, my dogs, and my boyfriend. i know a kid is ALOT harder than all that but i know i can do it, and i know i’ll be in love right away, esp b/c she’s OUT OF ME. sometimes i look down and just say “get out, get out, get out.”

    to the first prankster,
    i think what you did for your friend was WONDERFUL. and people in pain/anguish can be hard to deal with. it’s better she gets help NOW before the problem intensifies. sometimes, when mom and dad know something is up (such as this case) that’s the ONLY thing they can talk about. so she might not want to talk to you b/c she’s talking to Dr. Therapy, and she’s got to hear mom and dad blathering on all day long as well. They mean well but sometimes kids/teens just need a BREAK. so, i’d say, just be there for her! do regular stuff, go to movies, the mall, hang with buddies. and if she decides she wants to talk to you, she will. other than that, she knows you’re her friend and you can be her escape from the seriousness of her home life at this present time. once in a while you can toss in a “you know i’m here for you if you ever need a frirend to talk” but as a teen, normalcy is what you crave most. and you can give that to her.

    To Less Money,
    um, YEA! kids are fricking expensive! i’m going thru the same thing right now. but with #1. totally unplanned. but if we HAD planned it would it EVER have happened? who knows. being finacially stable is SO important for a kid. let alone 2. we were litterally shocked into looking at our $$ and spending habits and makling changes. i’m not sure theres ever a good time to have a kid to be honest. you keep putting it off and putting it off and then you’re 50 with one kid and saying, i shoulda had a second.
    also, i appreciate a husband who works, but some are just CLUELESSSSSSSS as to what a mom truely does! i guess what i’m saying is, if you want another baby, DO IT! don’t wait. it will work out, it might be hard, but it’ll work out. but god speed being pregnant again. it blows monkey butts.

  16. On October 17th, 2011 at 2:28 pm Ami Says:

    Dear Pregnancy Island – OMG I AM SO RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. I have friends who just think its this wonderful, magical time and I look at them, repress the profanity and wonder where they got the chit they’re smoking and why was I behind the door when they were handing that out?! B/c while I LOVE and adore my son and think he is the sun, the moon and the stars I HATED being pregnant. I was fat and hot and uncomfortable. And I puked, CONSTANTLY, and I had such mixed feelings about being kicked b/c on the one hand – it hurt, its uncomfortable, and I’d give anything for a break and yet the paralyising FEAR I had that something would go wrong demanded that it did not stop for more than 2 minutes b/c then something might be wrong. And labor? Labor sucks ass. I didn’t know I could hurt that bad and not die or at least pass out. Once I had the epidural? Hell I could do that all week. But before that? Holy fing elephant balls! No thank you. So no, you’re not alone.

    So no, you’re not alone. Its a big island. I promise. I know me and my sister are right there with you. *hugs*

  17. On October 18th, 2011 at 9:42 am Manda Says:

    I blogged thru my entire pregnancy and it was mostly about how much it sucked…plus a couple posted about John Stamos.

  18. On October 18th, 2011 at 4:50 pm allie h. Says:

    oh, pregnant in RI, I. FEEL. YOUR. PAIN. i have two girls, neither a baby anymore, but i still proclaim my disdain for pregnancy anytime the topic comes up. there ARE tons of broads who talk all dreamily about how AMAZING it is to be pregnant, but i believe they are either lying or crazy. possibly both. having no control over your body for nine months is NO FUN. sleep sucks, walking sucks, doing stuff sucks, hell even sitting sucks because as you now know, that little bastard will kick the shit out of you any chance she gets. when i have friends who are just starting to have kids (i started VERY early) i always tell them how much more willing i’d be to go through labor and delivery before i’d deal with pregnancy again. at least at the end of labor you get a cute, squishy baby! pregnancy just gives you heartburn, hurty feets, and cranky moods. know we’re out here, badmouthing pregnancy right along side you. (even 5 and 9 years later).

  19. On November 3rd, 2011 at 10:58 am Lynette Says:

    My first pregnancy was not so bad, except for the displaced rib 😛 My second one though? GAH, totally fucking miserable all the time. I was too sick to eat for the first 4 months and felt too awful for most of the pregnancy to eat much at all. By the 3rd trimester I had trouble standing up for more than a few minutes at a time and I woke up every couple of ours because I couldn’t turn over while I was sleeping and my legs had gone numb from nerve pressure. SO NOT ALONE.

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