Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Not For Mere Mortals. Like My Abs.


The January Theme for Band Back Together’s Bringing Happy Back Project/Make 2011 My Bitch is “Looking For Small Things To Make Ourselves Happy.”

I’d petitioned for “Kicking Things In The Crotch,” but was vetoed. AGAIN. SIGHS.

There are many small things that make me happy. Rocks, for example are small and make me happy. So do snails. Because they’re fucking cute.

But what made me extra-Happy-Dance-Booty-Shuffle-Around-The-House-After-I-Stopped-Laughing kind of happy was this:

3 Epic Wolf Shirts on Amazon

See, after I’d gleefully showed you that my soul does, in fact, look like an Epic Fucking Wolf (also: Adam has a pretty lady hand), I’d gotten a comment from Dustbag saying that if I read all of the reviews on Amazon for something called a “Three Wolf Shirt,” he would buy me this Epic Fucking 3 Wolf Shirt.


How could I resist a shirt that would cure cancer? And baldness? And WORLD FUCKING HUNGER?

This shirt simply had to be mine, Pranksters. It had to be!

My migraines could vanish! My laziness would be a thing of the past! Why if I could simply own this shirt, I would be a SUPERMODEL with MY OWN REALITY SHOW! (side note: I do not want a reality show) No longer would I have to suffer in mediocrity any longer!



So I read the reviews, and Dustbag, Dustbag knew what the fuck he was talking about. HILARIOUS. I told him so, as I scrounged up loose change from under the dryer and behind the couch so that I too could become one of the pack. I didn’t actually assume Dustbag would follow through on his Offer Of Awesome.

But he did. On Saturday, bright and blurry, this wee nugget of awesome fell into my inbox.

And now, now I know my destiny involves this Epic 3 Wolf Shirt.

I wonder not if, but WHERE I should get the matching tattoo. And who can possibly put together a new Wolf-Themed Blog Design. And if it’s too late to rename my kids “Canis” and “Lupis.” I wonder if I should change my name to Mommy Wants Epic Wolves. Or what I will do once I conquer the Internet with my Wolf Pack.

What I do know, is that in addition to my “Thinking Hat,”

Ms. Justin Timberlake

I’ll be wearing this when I blog (You may want to put on sunglasses, lest you be BLINDED by the AWESOME):

Three Wolf Shirt

My only complaint is that it’s not bedazzled.

When I was nearly burned by the awesomeness of the “Order Now” button, I saw this. And I think I may have to buy it. For special occasions, like when my Epic Wolf shirt is being washed (twice a year):

Purple Unicorn Shirt

*the next time I get a blobber asking me how to be a Famous Blobber, I am simply pointing them to the Epic 3 Wolf Shirt.

55 Comments to

“Not For Mere Mortals. Like My Abs.”

  1. On January 17th, 2011 at 11:22 am Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Says:

    Honest to god, my kids will quote reviews from the 3 Wolves shirt when they think I am yanking their chain on the relative merits of something.

    If I tell them that the meal I have laid before them is a quality nutrition product, they will ask, “But will it keep zombies away? Like the three wolves shirt?”

    I should never had goddamn taught them to read. Or, let public education teach them how to read.

    What the hell was I thinking?

  2. On January 17th, 2011 at 11:22 am My Man's Belly Says:

    For full blob world domination the 3 wolf shirt MUST be bedazzled. Its magic powers can only be fully revealed when the moon crystals (left boob) are rubbed and caressed in a counter clockwise direction. This is not a myth….what I speak of is truth.

  3. On January 17th, 2011 at 11:29 am Tiffany @ MomNom Says:

    Oh gawd, that shirt. That fucking shirt.

    I’ll be haunted by it now. Thanks for that.

  4. On January 17th, 2011 at 11:30 am DailyCrane Says:

    I’ve been looking for little things that make me happy and writing them down, folding them into cranes, and photographing them for my FB page. It’s harder than you’d think, some days, to come up with even a small thing that makes you smile, but it’s worth it. Good luck with your January project! I have 39 down, 961 to go…

  5. On January 17th, 2011 at 11:53 am Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    I think that shirt needs Bedazzled!!! Cause it is EPICALLY AWESOME!! And it is NEVER to late to name our children. I am considering name changes myself. I thinking Shaddrach Meshach and Abendago just cause.

  6. On January 17th, 2011 at 11:53 am Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    And I meant to say rename our children

  7. On January 17th, 2011 at 1:00 pm Melissa Says:

    Hah! I had a black lab named Shadrach. I was going to CCD at the time he came to us.

  8. On January 17th, 2011 at 12:16 pm seekingelevation Says:

    Wow. Those are really pretty. Natch, they need to be Bedazzled.

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  10. On January 17th, 2011 at 1:10 pm Kristin Says:

    Fucking AWESOME…and, lets have a bedazzler party at BlogHer11. You bring the shirts and I promise I’ll find a Bedazzler.

  11. On January 17th, 2011 at 5:55 pm Deanna Longo Says:

    I have one… Can I Come? I’ll also bring the drinks… You can’t bedazzle without drinks!!!!

  12. On January 17th, 2011 at 1:19 pm TheTameOne Says:

    You need a crystal dream catcher.

  13. On January 17th, 2011 at 1:31 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    So does one need an Epic 3 Wolf Shirt in order to be part of this Wolf Pack For World Internet Domination? Because that can be arranged.

  14. On January 17th, 2011 at 1:39 pm Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) Says:

    Bedazzling a tshirt is a very simple step involving fabric glue and glitter. There is no way you could actually fuck this up soooo (1) buy glue (2) buy glitter (3) put glue on shirt (4) put glitter on glue (5) Epic 3 Wolf Shirt made EVEN MORE EPIC!!

    Just helping ya out girl! (as somebody who used to paint clothes)

  15. On January 17th, 2011 at 1:41 pm Erin@MommyontheSpot Says:

    That shirt is all kinds of wow! I’ve been also looking for things that make me happy. You know what? Besides the funny things that the kids say, TV is going a pretty good job of making me laugh. Like the REal Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yeah, I might be a little blue, but at least I’m not a hot mess like Camille.

  16. On January 17th, 2011 at 1:54 pm AngieM. Says:

    holy son of a bitch!!! my boss has the EXACT same shirt, and she wears it to work regularly.

    also, the unicorn shirt= EPIC!

  17. On January 17th, 2011 at 5:04 pm Cerahsee Says:

    The only question I have for you is… How do you think she got to be your boss? (Answer: The three wolf moon shirt of course.)

  18. On January 17th, 2011 at 2:05 pm Darktouch Says:

    My abs are sooo awesome that I hide them under a fairly thick layer of fat lest they cause mass pregnancies when I go to the pool.

  19. On January 17th, 2011 at 2:12 pm Brandi Cortes Says:

    I’m freakin’ crying, I’m laughing so hard. *ahem* I mean, I’m blinded by the sheer awesomeness of your Epic Wolves. Please, please, please for the love of all things blobber holy, put the thing on and take a pic for your most loyal fans, Aunt Becky. We deserve to see these magical beauties howling glory cries up at your magnificent face. LMFAO! Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

  20. On January 17th, 2011 at 5:00 pm Jolie Says:

    YES! Aunt Becky you MUST take a pic of yourself in your thinking hat and wolf shirt. MUST….
    however I wonder, do you order a shirt to cover or reveal your new abs…decisions decisions.

  21. On January 17th, 2011 at 2:50 pm Jayme (The Random Blogette) Says:

    That 3 wolf shirt is amazeballs! Someone showed me that last year and I actually had to read all of the reviews too because I needed to understand the awesomeness that is the 3 wolf shirt! And that unicorn shirt…holy monkey balls of awesomeness!

  22. On January 17th, 2011 at 4:13 pm Dustbag Says:

    Wow! This made my day! I have to admit I never expected to see THIS in a blog post. I kind of assumed that you were routinely showered in gifts by your adoring fans and others held in the spell of you and your spirit animals, and that this would simply be another token on the large pile of swag you routinely accumulate.

    It makes me glad that: 1) I almost made you pee yourself from laughing reading those reviews of the shirt; and b) I can then make you ‘extra-Happy-D-B-S-A-T-H-A-I-S-Laughing’ with a t-shirt (granted, a too powerful for mere mortals with flabby abs t-shirt).

    Also, in case you missed it, the ‘Kid’s Drawing’ card template from Amazon also has Spirit Wolf! And snakes (I think). And what is either a large fish, bug, or purple vagina on a tree trunk.

    Anyway, you now owe us all a picture of you at work with your Thinking Hat and your 3 Wolf T-Shirt. It is an awesome power and responsibility you now have assumed, and it must be repaid (its the rules of the shirt, disobey at your own peril).


  23. On January 17th, 2011 at 4:16 pm Jill Says:

    oh.em.gee. I am crying from laughing at those GD reviews. SO FUNNY. thanks for that.

  24. On January 17th, 2011 at 5:16 pm Jolie Says:

    HOW can you narrow it down to just one shirt? or even TWO??
    There’s this one that has the whole aura thing going on:
    and the first review of this baby
    shows that you can be a lone wolf who CHOOSES to be around others. I mean, how true is that?! You don’t NEED others, you. are. THE. wolf.
    Eye of the tiger baby.

  25. On January 17th, 2011 at 6:42 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I think have the wolves howl at a moon just below your phoenix would be awesome. Get the moon right below your neck.

  26. On January 17th, 2011 at 8:36 pm Neeroc Says:

    Does Dustbag understand what they’ve done? I’m fairly sure that shirt has just made you unstoppable! An unstoppable blobber of sparkling epicness if you have your way with the bedazzler! Where will it end?

  27. On January 17th, 2011 at 9:46 pm teri Says:

    LOVE IT!!! My husbands Softball team last year had the same wolf shirts. The guys loved them, so did my 1 year old. She would start barking when she saw her daddy wearing the shirt. hahaha! The unicorn one is AWESOME!

  28. On January 17th, 2011 at 11:58 pm katrina Says:

    Fuckin Awesome! and just in time for the full “wolf moon” this wednesday–you are always one step ahead mz. becky!

  29. On January 18th, 2011 at 2:46 am Lenette Says:

    OMG! My daughter has that same wolf shirt!

  30. On January 18th, 2011 at 2:46 am Lenette Says:

    OMG! My daughter has that same wolf shirt!

  31. On January 18th, 2011 at 3:22 am Laura Says:

    I may never forgive you for not posting a link to the unicorn shirt that is made of AWESOME! I need that! And I need to cut my bangs again so I can curl them and tease the fuck out of them and use a full can of Aqua Net on them. I’m off now to search for that awesome shirt.

  32. On January 18th, 2011 at 6:12 am C Says:

    This post made me so gleeful that I’m commenting from my phone- from bed, at 4:11am. Which is a pain in the ass- but so worth it!

  33. On January 18th, 2011 at 6:12 am C Says:

    This post made me so gleeful that I’m commenting from my phone- from bed, at 4:11am. Which is a pain in the ass- but so worth it!

  34. On January 18th, 2011 at 7:58 am mcSarah Says:

    you like snails too!? It’s really just their cute-ass shell since their slimy bodies are gross.

    that’s why I am sharing this alltime high level cute shell video with you. Because 1. it fits your theme of things that make me happy (shells/snails with no gross slime bodies) AND 2. because it rocks the house.

  35. On January 18th, 2011 at 9:41 am Archaeogoddess Says:

    OMG! I dated a guy who had that shirt! See, the Epic 3 Wolf Shirt *does* get you women! Alas, he was too full of the awesome (his Diablo skillz, man, outta sight!) and I had to leave, demanding bitch of a girlfriend I was, wanting attention and The Sex all the freakin’ time. Epic 3 Wolf Shirt Men deserve better!

  36. On January 18th, 2011 at 10:31 am Kelly Says:

    Our admin wears wolf vests. No, I’m not lying. Like super needle pointed ones. I’ll have her make you one for your un-birthday.

  37. On January 18th, 2011 at 10:39 am JLK Says:

    OMFG. I could easily spend all day reading those reviews. How have I never heard of this before???

  38. On January 18th, 2011 at 11:12 am leanne Says:

    Best of all… you could get t-shirts for your whole family — they come in kids’ sizes, too!!!!!!! Then take a picture!!!! How awesome would that be? You’re welcome.

  39. On January 18th, 2011 at 11:35 am Liz Says:

    My daughter would never take that unicorn shirt off. Seriously. Those are totally epic shirts. So awesome. Purpley pinkish rainbow unicorn awesomeness… I may gag all the way to the store to buy one. My daughter is the only way I can stand pink girly things. Oh what I put up with for the sake of motherhood and all that.

  40. On January 18th, 2011 at 1:51 pm Keri@GlamorousArmy Says:

    I keep waiting for those bitches on “Jersey Shore” to bust out one of these little babies:

    Ah..takes me back to the 80’s.
    Beaded fringe is the shit!

  41. On January 18th, 2011 at 3:10 pm Marian Allen Says:

    You need to get some fabric glue and a shit-ton of glitter and glitterize those shirts! I think it’s against the law or something to have a unicorn shirt without any glitter on it.

  42. On January 18th, 2011 at 4:30 pm RealMommyChron Says:

    Oh dear. Why did my husband totally have that wolves shirt when we were dating….

    but in PURPLE! (Actually, kind of like a combo of the two shirts you put up!)ha

    Ohhhh, memories.

    Sadly, it doesn’t fit him anymore. 🙁

  43. On January 18th, 2011 at 9:33 pm Sandra Says:

    I think you need to use that Mrs. Timberlake hat in a giveaway! Wouldn’t that be a terrific idea?????

  44. On January 19th, 2011 at 10:28 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    But! BUT! MY HAT! It’s my THINKING CAP! How could I give it AWAY!?!

  45. On January 18th, 2011 at 10:32 pm Marie Porter Says:

    Good lord. I NEED that unicorn shirt.

  46. On January 19th, 2011 at 10:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I just ordered the Unicorn Shirt. When it comes, I’m assuming my life will be turned into one Awesome Fest after another.



  47. On January 19th, 2011 at 10:32 am Marie Porter Says:

    Only thing I could see as being more epic would be a 3 UNICORN shirt. With glitter. AND the aforementioned bedazzling.

  48. On January 19th, 2011 at 9:01 am kat Says:

    you are too freaking hilarious. had to comment even though i lurk you on the regular.

    apparently those 3wolf shirts are popular among the masses. not sure why. but you need to get that unicorn shirt. like, now.

  49. On January 19th, 2011 at 3:50 pm MamaSkates Says:

    i got my son the 3 wolf shirt (in blue) for Christmas…his latest obsession is werewolves & he’s constantly howling at the moon! ~lol~ his Halloween costume was pretty bad-ass too…

  50. On January 20th, 2011 at 9:06 am The Wolf Shirt Phenomena takes to the road. — We Know Awesome Says:

    […] Awesome Images,Awesome Internet,Awesome Stuffs The Wolf Shirt is a phenomena. Our own Aunt Becky is inspired every day by the Awesome that is the 3 Wolves […]

  51. On January 20th, 2011 at 1:07 pm kckarla Says:

    Yo Aunt Becky….has anyone told you about the tshirt that features the keyboard cat in the epic 3 wolf theme? It is …well, in the words of a friend of mine… ‘a whole lot about not right’ Translation: priceless, funny, twisted and only makes sense to a small wedge of the population that I happen to relate. If you are interested you can find it at a website called . I’m not affliated with them in anyway…I just think they have some funny stuff and happen to have the keyboard cat tshirt there.

  52. On January 27th, 2011 at 5:40 pm Chantal Says:

    *snort*! I passed that link around my office a few years ago. I loved my workplace of construction types. Until they laid a lot of us off. But still I loved my boss and my guys and they loved me back (probably because of the internet memes in their inboxes, but still….it’s a talent). So much, that when I got a NEW job, they called me on “Admistrative Professional’s Day” and wanted to take me to lunch. My new douchebag bosses hadn’t offered, so I rolled. And I arrived to find all 3 of them standing there waiting for me….WEARING THESE SHIRTS. Yes, I broke bread with *THREE* men wearing this. One wouldn’t take his sunglasses off because “The awesome would be too much”.
    I <3 those guys! 🙂

  53. On January 27th, 2011 at 8:44 pm Heather Feather dressed In Leather Says:

    OOOhhh I found you a wolf shirt!!!!

  54. On January 28th, 2011 at 8:29 pm MamaCas Says:

    Dear GOD you have cheesy taste in clothing. But I love you anyway!! And so what if that shirt isn’t bedazzled? Get busy, woman! You have tons of free time on your hands, right? Right???

  55. On July 15th, 2012 at 12:00 am You can call me Uncle Avitable | Mommy Wants VodkaMommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] Avitable. Some of you may already know me, whether it’s from my writing on, the epic soul portrait that Becky and I had done, or from that one episode of “To Catch a […]

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