Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

You can call me Uncle Avitable


Hey there Pranksters.

My name’s Adam Avitable. Some of you may already know me, whether it’s from my writing on, the epic soul portrait that Becky and I had done, or from that one episode of “To Catch a Predator”.

Today is a very special day. A day so momentous that it could only be celebrated by a post by me. A day so amazing, so fucking unbelievable, that there’s no other way to say it.

Happy Elderly Men Day to all of those readers from Kiribati!

How awesome are Elderly Men? They pull off that awesome plaid/stripes combo when they go to Walgreens, they can wash their testicles just by sitting on a toilet and letting those bad boys drop, and they have a license to get mad at anyone, anytime. They can steal, lie, cheat, and they get away with it because they’re cute. Hooray for old fogeys!

There’s something else.

Is today the day I have to pick up my Chinese baby from Fed Ex?

Is it my brozilian appointment?


Oh, that’s right!

It’s Becky’s birthday!

Happy birthday, Becky. You have empowered so many people, inspired thousands, and made so many laugh until they cried. Or puked. That’s always a good laugh if it ends up with puking. It may not be the easiest time for you, and it may not be the most fun, but fuck it. You’ll get through it and you’ll be better than ever. I know it, and so does everyone else who’s ever met you.

Pranksters, won’t you join me in wishing Becky a wonderful birthday filled with love, friendship, and free from ninja attacks?

Adam Avitable wishes Becky a happy birthday!

posted under Guester Poster
67 Comments to

“You can call me Uncle Avitable”

  1. On July 15th, 2012 at 12:06 am Liz Says:

    Happy birthday, Aunt Becky!

  2. On July 15th, 2012 at 1:10 am Amelia Says:

    Happy happy birthday! Thank you for all you have done!

  3. On July 15th, 2012 at 1:11 am Chelle Says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky! You have done so much good for the world. Thank you.

  4. On July 15th, 2012 at 1:40 am Sam Says:

    Happy Birthday AB! I know you’re having the most shit-tastic month ever but I really, really hope that you’ve had a great birthday! Xoxo

  5. On July 15th, 2012 at 1:42 am Carol Anne Says:

    Happy birthday Aunt Becky!

  6. On July 15th, 2012 at 1:53 am alexis Says:

    Happy Birthday, Aunt Becky!


    p. s. Thanks, Uncle Avitable, for the reminder.

  7. On July 15th, 2012 at 2:53 am Janis Says:

    Wishing you good things. Happy Birthday, Aunt Becky!

  8. On July 15th, 2012 at 3:19 am Lynda M O Says:

    Well, Birthday on top of all the rest of it, eh ?~! Hope it comes with growth, spiritualism that actually helps your soul heal and friends close enough to give you a hug that will last until YOU feel ready to release. Wish I were there for you, Beckster.

  9. On July 15th, 2012 at 3:33 am Kim Says:

    Happy Birthday!!!

  10. On July 15th, 2012 at 5:52 am Kate Says:

    Happy Birthday! Here’s to a new year and new beginnings πŸ™‚

  11. On July 15th, 2012 at 6:31 am Sherry Says:

    Happy Birthday. It will get better. It always does.

  12. On July 15th, 2012 at 7:13 am Kay Says:

    Happy birthday, Aunt Becky! πŸ™‚

  13. On July 15th, 2012 at 7:47 am Jolie Says:

    Happy Happy Birthday!!! I agree with Kate – Here’s to a new year and a new you!! Much love to mah Phoenix friend on her special day! xoxo

  14. On July 15th, 2012 at 8:03 am Heather Says:

    *flinging glitter* Happy birthday, you fantabulous human!

  15. On July 15th, 2012 at 8:08 am Lady Estrogen Says:

    Wow. That’s a shit load going on today.
    Can’t tell by your portrait if you go the brozilian or not.

    Happy birthday, Aunt Becky!

  16. On July 15th, 2012 at 8:12 am Io Says:

    Happy birthday lady!

  17. On July 15th, 2012 at 8:15 am Canadian Brat Says:

    You have made me laugh, when I wanted to cry, and given me moments of sanity in an otherwise vortex of misery. You rock! Flinging glitter, and lots of unicorns, and kittens in bubbles at you ! Have a great birthday–eat all the cake.
    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky!

  18. On July 15th, 2012 at 8:20 am Jennifer Says:

    Happy Birthday AB! I’ve blog-stalked you for years and though we’ve only spoken by email once (I was like “ZOMG, I talked to AUNT BECKY!!!), I swear I feel like I know you. You can’t possibly know all the good you and your work has done for me. Lots of love, hugs and glitter to you on your b-day–keep rockin’ hard!

  19. On July 15th, 2012 at 8:39 am Jana Says:

    Happy birthday, B.

  20. On July 15th, 2012 at 8:48 am Kelley Says:

    Happy Birthday, B! And here’s to many, many more happier birthdays, my dear. It’s all gonna get better and better. You R-O-C-K!

  21. On July 15th, 2012 at 9:09 am sashalyn Says:

    Happy birthday AB.
    Happy new haircut. Happy new tattoo. Happy road trip. Happy self discovery. Happy new horizons.
    He’s right, you know… You will get through this. Shit- if you can keep it together after the suicide hotline drops your call- you can make it thru anything.
    We’re lucky to have you. You’ve made the world a better place for being here. I am happy to celebrate your birth in a way I hope will do you proud… with John C. Mayer blaring as I drink loads of vodka.
    Cheers, AB.

  22. On July 15th, 2012 at 9:16 am Natalie Says:

    Happy Birthday Becky! Hope you get smothered in love by all who surround you!

  23. On July 15th, 2012 at 9:27 am Tonyacrazycatlady Says:

    Happy Birthday AB! I just started reading mommywantsvodka, and I have to say I love it! I can relate to so many of the topics. I hope you have a good day. I have learned that they are possible even in not so good times in our lives. I mean there’s always

  24. On July 15th, 2012 at 9:28 am Tonyacrazycatlady Says:

    The rest of the post: vodka!

  25. On July 15th, 2012 at 9:32 am Liane Greathead Says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

  26. On July 15th, 2012 at 10:12 am SherryH Says:

    Happy birthday, Aunt Becky! And many happy returns!

    We may not ever have met, but I’m one of the many out here pulling for you. You are awesome, and don’t you ever forget it.

  27. On July 15th, 2012 at 10:20 am Fallah Says:

    Happy birthday Aunt Becky! Take your new haircut and your new ink and tear up the town! Which town you tear up I shall leave to your discretion.

  28. On July 15th, 2012 at 10:21 am Jenny, Bloggess Says:

    Happy birthday, gorgeous. Thinking about you and sending you good thoughts and vodka.

  29. On July 15th, 2012 at 10:27 am Liz Says:

    Lots of love, hugs, and better birthdays to come wishes… and maybe a little vodka.

  30. On July 15th, 2012 at 10:32 am Phoenix Says:

    Happy birthday!

  31. On July 15th, 2012 at 10:39 am Anne Says:

    Happy birthday! I’m a lurker, but I felt I had to de-lurk to wish you a very happy birthday and to give you this song: ‘Vodka’ by the folk metal band Korpiklaani. It makes me smile every time I listen to it, and I hope it does the same for you! =D

  32. On July 15th, 2012 at 11:22 am mommabird2345 Says:

    Happy Birthday!!

  33. On July 15th, 2012 at 11:37 am Andie Says:

    Happy Birthday!

  34. On July 15th, 2012 at 11:37 am Niki Says:

    Happy MOTHER FUCKING Birthday Aunt Becky!! YOU ROCK!!!

  35. On July 15th, 2012 at 12:05 pm Becca Says:

    Happy birthday love!! I hope that your new birth year is full of blessings and opportunities. I know you will succeed and pull through, like you said there are no other options for you. Tight hugs!!

  36. On July 15th, 2012 at 12:18 pm Christine Says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt B! Show us the new ink!

  37. On July 15th, 2012 at 12:30 pm krlr Says:


  38. On July 15th, 2012 at 12:50 pm chrisinphx Says:

    Happy birfday AB!!!!!

  39. On July 15th, 2012 at 1:41 pm Karen Says:

    Happy B-day, AB. I hope you get whatever you want, whether it’s pants, peace and quiet, or a pepperoni pizza!

  40. On July 15th, 2012 at 1:48 pm Jen Says:

    Happy birthday, AB!

  41. On July 15th, 2012 at 2:07 pm Leslie Says:

    Happy Birthday, AB! Hugs from Dayton.

  42. On July 15th, 2012 at 2:07 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Happy Birthday Young Miss Aunt Becky!!!11!!1!!!11!1!1!!!!111!!1!!!!


  43. On July 15th, 2012 at 4:01 pm Frubs Says:

    Happy Birthday. Really hope the next year is a better one for you.

  44. On July 15th, 2012 at 4:28 pm Eliza Says:

    Greetings from Orchid Land –

    Hau’oli La Hanau – may this day be a RE birth day for you.

    Peace to all ~

  45. On July 15th, 2012 at 5:17 pm Julie Says:

    Happy, Happy Birthday! Altho I am a mere blog stalker, as I type I am having a gin and tonic in your honor. (I’m sad to say, we are out of vodka ~ but a girl has to do what a girl has to do, right?) You make me laugh and I adore your blog. Happy Birthday!

  46. On July 15th, 2012 at 6:38 pm a Says:

    Happy Birthday, Becky! (And if it’s not happy, I hope it’s at least tolerable)

  47. On July 15th, 2012 at 9:01 pm Alex@LateEnough Says:

    Awesome. Happy birthday Aunt Becky

  48. On July 15th, 2012 at 9:36 pm Chickaboom Says:

    Happy Birthday AB! Only the bestest, coolest, most ass-kicking people are born in mid-July. I’m totally not saying that because my bday is tomorrow. I know things are tough, so seriously – you can have my wish if you want it. I’ll just throw a raving bitch tantrum to get the stuff I want. I hope you got some love today. πŸ˜‰

  49. On July 15th, 2012 at 9:40 pm Lisa Says:

    Happy Birthday!

  50. On July 16th, 2012 at 12:04 am Jess Says:

    Happy birthday! Wish I could say I was having some vodka for you, but vodka and me… well.. we haven’t yet come to terms with our disagreement from a few years ago. I am having a beer, and I’m toasting you right now… I hope you have an amazing day, and I hope that the light and the love that you are receiving from the internet makes you smile and helps to cut through some of the darkness. Have an amazing day.

  51. On July 16th, 2012 at 8:14 am Cindy Says:

    Happy Birthday AB! You are my idol.

  52. On July 16th, 2012 at 9:29 am Aunt Looney Says:

    Happy birthday! I hope you have a fantabulous day! πŸ™‚

  53. On July 16th, 2012 at 9:35 am Lisa Says:


  54. On July 16th, 2012 at 9:48 am KAY Says:

    Happy Birthday! I’ll have a few vodkas for you, okay? You should indulge also since it is your birthday.

  55. On July 16th, 2012 at 9:53 am leanne Says:

    Happy Birthday, Becky!!

  56. On July 16th, 2012 at 11:13 am Cindy Says:

    Happy Birthday!!!

  57. On July 16th, 2012 at 11:49 am Sue J. Says:

    with that chest of hair, it will be nothing less than a perfect celebration.

  58. On July 16th, 2012 at 12:11 pm caroline Says:

    happy mofo bday AB. thanks for empowering so many, including myself. don’t ever forget all the good you’ve done and no doubt, will continue to do. xo

  59. On July 16th, 2012 at 12:57 pm Carla in CA Says:

    Happy Birthday!

  60. On July 16th, 2012 at 1:14 pm Cindy Medina Says:

    You so know I heart you Bex. Happy birthday do it your way if I may be Frank.

  61. On July 16th, 2012 at 1:20 pm Ms Dreamer Says:

    Happy birthday Bex! Heart you like something fierce!

  62. On July 16th, 2012 at 2:19 pm Adina Yoffie Says:

    Hi, Aunt Becky,

    Sorry I’m a day late, but Happy Birthday! I’m also sorry that things suck right now, but we love you out here in the blogosphere, and we know you’ll get through it. We’re rooting for you!

  63. On July 16th, 2012 at 2:32 pm Jester Queen Says:

    Aww. Happy birthday. How cool that you get a nekkid man card on your birthday. That’s special, right there, I’m telling you.

  64. On July 16th, 2012 at 6:21 pm JodieGirl Says:

    Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Aunt Becky, Happy Birthday to youuuu! (Sung very loud & off key, but with great enthusiasm!) A day late, but that’s how I roll lately. Hope your day was awesome (At least in compasison to recent days)

    Love ya,


  65. On July 16th, 2012 at 10:36 pm Ami Says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky!! I hope, in spite of everything its wonderful, magical and otherwise involves unicorns farting cupcakes and rainbows out their rears!

  66. On July 21st, 2012 at 11:13 pm Tracy Says:

    I know I’m late to the party…as usual …but HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL FRIEND!!!!

  67. On August 31st, 2012 at 12:00 am How Do You Feel About Princess Diana Jokes? - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] here – you may remember me from Becky’s birthday post and the most epic motherfucking soul portrait EVER. The reason for my post today is thatΒ I just […]

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