Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Won’t You Be My (Nosy) Neighbor?


I don’t know if I told you, Pranksters, but the apartment complex that I moved into was the only other apartment complex I’ve lived in. I moved here with my then-boyfriend-turned-Ben’s-father back in 2000, where we lived until July of 2001, at which time I waddled back home just in time to pop out my bouncing baby boy.

(completely pointless sidebar, why do they bother calling babies “bouncing?” My kid screamed a lot, rarely bouncing, and, in fact, didn’t begin bouncing until he was well over two)

This time, clearly, I’m not living with anyone and I’m pretty sure that while I’m at the age where women ovulate all-the-fuck over babies, my uterus has decided to move somewhere up into my lungs that the idea of popping out another. Can’t say I blame it.

As most of you know, I began moving last Wednesday, piling up boxes as I desperately tried to unpack my house. Keeping busy, I’ve learned, staves off The Sads for awhile until you’re no longer busy and then you suddenly feel run over by a truck, but alas, I digress. Sometime over the weekend, The Guy Formerly On My Couch began to bring the piles of boxes out to the recycling area of the complex while I carefully placed each pair of shoes into one of those clear plastic shoe boxes, because, well, I no longer have the option to leave my crap strewn about without looking like Slob Bob.

Later that evening, as we sat on opposite ends of the couch, panting and smelling like we’d just managed to move everything I owned – and unpack the majority of it – in the span of three days, Ben spoke up:

The Guy Formerly On My Couch: “Totally met your neighbor when I was carrying out boxes.”

Aunt Becky: “Oh yeah? Is it the dude named “Buts?” Because that would be awesome. I wanna have a friend with that last name.”

The Guy Formerly On My Couch: “No, it was an older lady – a redhead.”

Aunt Becky: “She nice?”

The Guy Formerly On My Couch: “She was out there breaking down every box I’d put into the recycling bin.”

Aunt Becky: (gapes)

The Guy Formerly On My Couch: “Yep. She then told me all about WHY she was doing this – apparently the boxes have to be a certain size and you share the complex with a bunch of other buildings, blah blah blah.”

Aunt Becky: (gapes)

The Guy Formerly On My Couch: “Then she told me AGAIN.”

Aunt Becky: “Woah. She watched you carry out boxes? I WISH I had that kind of time on my hands.”

The Guy Formerly On My Couch: “No, you don’t.”

Aunt Becky (attempts to make neurons fire at the same time): “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

The Guy Formerly On My Couch: “I’m always right.”

Aunt Becky: “I SAID PROBABLY.”


The following morning, I woke up in my new house, and was greeted with utter silence, which is, of course, a new thing for me. I’m accustomed to the noise that goes along with three kids and the silence was somewhat deafening, if not mildly pleasant. It was quiet, of course, until I rolled over in bed, at which point in time, my back cracked like a bag of microwave popcorn, my legs actually groaning in protest.

A cacophony of various creeks, cracks, and pops followed me out to the kitchen, where I began a pot of coffee, wincing when I had to reach for the filters, which helped combat the silence. I curled up on the couch with a heating pad and watched a few episodes of White Collar before the dawning realization that my laziness had taken a whole new meaning and I’d better get some more of those damn boxes to the recycling before my ass became permanently affixed to my couch and they’d have to cut out a wall to get me out if I died or something.

I grabbed a box full of other, broken-down boxes, groaning a little as I bent over, and lugged them out front.

There she was, standing at the recycling area, just as The Guy Formerly On My Couch described, standing over some boxes she’d pulled from the recycling bin, which, I should add, is as deep as I am tall (5 foot, 5 inches); a tiny thing, ripping apart cardboard boxes like it was her job or something. I stood watching her a spell before I snapped out of my daze and into the lion’s den, waiting for my own lecture. I considered inviting her into my apartment to break down boxes, since she seemed to be enjoying it so very much, but decided that it would be best if I left well enough alone.

Aunt Becky: “Hi! I’m Becky and I just moved in.”

Cardboard Lady (not unkindly): “Hi, was just explaining to your husband that cardboard has to be broken down into small pieces or they won’t take it when they pick up the recycling. Didn’t you get the sheet about that when you moved in? Because the office told me all about it when I called about something else. You should get one of those sheets, because you want to make sure you know what you can and can’t throw into these bins.”

Aunt Becky (chokes back laughter the word “husband” referring to The Guy Formerly On My Couch): “I’ll have to pick up one of those sheets tomorrow. Thanks for the info!”

Cardboard Lady: “Yeah, for some reason they just won’t accept the cardboard if it’s bigger than two feet, and well, you want to be sure you break down all of the boxes so they take them and if you can’t or they’re too big, throw them into the dumpster because you want this stuff gone. They only pick up trash twice a week and you should really get that sheet.”

Aunt Becky (cowers): “Okay, I will. Thanks again. Nice to meet you!”

Cardboard Lady: “Nice to meet you too! Don’t forget that sheet!”

And just like that, I met my first nosy neighbor.

posted under Free To Be You + Me
31 Comments to

“Won’t You Be My (Nosy) Neighbor?”

  1. On October 5th, 2012 at 11:47 am Aunt Becky (@mommywantsvodka) Says:

    I have a neighbor. She watches paint dry. I’m kinda jealous.

  2. On October 5th, 2012 at 4:53 pm Joel Frieders Says:

    she hot?

  3. On October 5th, 2012 at 12:05 pm Mommy Unmuted Says:

    You absolutely crack me up. I love your blog. Your neighborhood sounds similar to mine. We have a self-appointed recycling monitor that sits next to her front window every Monday. Congrats on the new house!

  4. On October 5th, 2012 at 12:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Aww, thanks, lovie! The recycling monitor. I LOVE it!

  5. On October 5th, 2012 at 12:15 pm Shelley (@momma_oz) Says:

    I believe they refer to babies as bouncing because of that one time when the youngest fell and quite literally bounced… wait, that makes me sound like a bad parent… let’s go with the idea that you are to bounce them on your knee because apparently some kids like that… not mine though – just pissed them off more…

  6. On October 5th, 2012 at 12:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  7. On October 5th, 2012 at 12:26 pm injaynesworld Says:

    Wishing you well in your new home and new chapter of your life, my friend. Hopefully, the other neighbors will be better.

  8. On October 5th, 2012 at 12:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    She was luckily quite nice about it, if not a bit OCD.

  9. On October 5th, 2012 at 12:46 pm Sandy Says:

    You took that lady better than I would have (she may have been taking a leap in the dumpster).

  10. On October 5th, 2012 at 12:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwaahahahahah! I thought about it, but she was just so damn EARNEST!

  11. On October 5th, 2012 at 12:46 pm The Comedy Ninja (@ComedyNinja) Says:

    Won’t You Be My (Nosy) Neighbor?

  12. On October 5th, 2012 at 3:11 pm Grace Says:

    Oooh! Now you have to save ME some boxes! I wanna meet the Cardboard Stalker!!

  13. On October 5th, 2012 at 3:38 pm Jolie Says:

    Really. Become her bff so she’ll not rat you out when you don’t remove the plastic lids from your glass vodka bottles that you throw in the glass recycle bins. πŸ˜€

  14. On October 5th, 2012 at 3:59 pm Julie Says:

    Next, she’ll tell you that unbroken cardboard boxes are a government conspiracy. Or that pants are so NOT bullshit.

    We kept all our boxes. Broke em down flat and the nice neat stack is put up in the garage because I don’t want to spend more money for Uhaul boxes ever again if I can help it. We also saved the twine and bubble wrap. How’s that for frugal πŸ˜‰ (Moving is expensive, yo.)

  15. On October 5th, 2012 at 4:52 pm Cindy Says:

    Some people have way too much time on their hands.

  16. On October 5th, 2012 at 5:59 pm Melissa Says:

    I live in an apartment building too. And I had one of those as well (she has died since I moved in). Anyway, I will never forget when she stopped me to chat (she stopped EVERYONE to chat) and started complaining about the recycling thing to me too. And when she started grumbling about how some people just dont know how to do it, all do you know WHAT THEY DID? And I was about to crack up because she was talking about ME and she didnt know it lol.

  17. On October 6th, 2012 at 6:43 am Triplezmom Says:

    I don’t think I”ve ever actually had a neighbor like this. Probably why I break all the rules still.

  18. On October 6th, 2012 at 12:30 pm Pamela Palmer Says:

    Yay!!! You used your coffee pot. (yeah, that's what I got from that whole thing)
    Just kidding. Not a fan of nosy neighbors and I've seen a few things by simply glancing out my windows that have scarred me for life.

  19. On October 6th, 2012 at 11:59 am Kristin Says:

    I’ve known people like that but, luckily, I’ve never lived near a person like that.

  20. On October 6th, 2012 at 12:07 pm Julie Says:

    Dear Beckster,

    I just found out in my last therapy session that my therapist is my neighbour. Which stinks because that means he can’t be my therapist anymore. Completely unrelated, but it’s so weird that I wish I just had my nosy neighbours that live between us and that my therapist would have never even realized. / :

  21. On October 6th, 2012 at 4:50 pm Eliza Says:

    Aloha AB –

    Ah, no, that’s not a nosy neighbor. A nosy neighbor would be asking around about you. Another nosy type could knock on your door, barge in and look through every nook & cranny without your ok. Then go back and tell everyone they know about you and your life – all deduced from what they think about your decor, neat and tidiness, etc., etc. Malice wrapped in smile.

    The redhead at the cardboard bin is the person in the apartment community who’s chosen to be the ‘recycling monitor’. A self-assignment for the good of all there. A benign presence.

    Peace to you amongst your community.

  22. On October 6th, 2012 at 8:37 pm Delfin Joaquin Paris III Says:

    Chicks who don’t get laid turn out weird.

  23. On October 7th, 2012 at 4:06 am alexis (You can call me Al) Says:

    Delfin Paris Joaquin III summed it up perfectly.

  24. On October 7th, 2012 at 4:55 pm alexis (You can call me Al) Says:

    P.s. I, too, am weird, though I don’t expect my weirdness to be as permanent as that of your box-compacting-obsessed and sex-deprived neighbor.

  25. On October 7th, 2012 at 8:41 pm Sarah K. (The Mama Pirate) Says:

    Yikes! You better get the sheet! She should be friends with my nosy neighbor. When I moved in a week ago, she told me everyone who lived on our (very long) street including their spuses, jobs, kids names and ages and what type of pets they all had, including the names. She also knew who was a homeowner and who was a renter. I’m still traumatized and I can’t help but wonder what all she knows about us already.

  26. On October 7th, 2012 at 9:58 pm Jen Says:

    Nosy neighbors can be okay. At least someone would notice if you DID happen to become molded to the couch and died. Even if it’s just because nobody is messing up the cardboard bin anymore…

    Also – I think they call them “bouncing babies” because way back in the day when we all worked in fields, the women would go around doing chores up until they popped. Literally. Babies were being born in fields every day while their mother’s were harvesting grain, or milking the corn. (yes I said that) If the baby came out and it bounced, it usually survived and was taken as a sign of good health and was immediately put to work in the fields. If it didn’t bounce, well then it was probably stillborn or challenged and was shunned to the barn to chase mice with the cats and goats. Because goats chase mice too. But probably not though…

  27. On October 8th, 2012 at 5:02 am Kimberly Warren Says:

    Have you picked up the sheet yet?

  28. On October 8th, 2012 at 11:40 am leanne Says:

    Ah, neighbors. Sigh. Also, first impressions with/of neighbors. Reminds me of when we first moved into this house and the lady next door thought my husband was my boyfriend (though it may have had something to do with the fact that the cops came to our house looking for a boyfriend who had beat up his girlfriend. Turns out the cops had the wrong house. Good times.)

  29. On October 9th, 2012 at 10:22 am The Tiniest Caped Crusaders - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] And now? They’re ready to fight crime. Just like the recycling lady. […]

  30. On October 9th, 2012 at 5:21 pm Ewokmama Says:

    OMG I totally want to slap that lady.

  31. On November 16th, 2012 at 2:38 pm Vanessa H. Says:

    By any chance was her first name Mary? Sounds exactly like the old c…*smiles* elderly lady who leaves across from me. Right down to the red hair.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...