Mommy Wants Vodka

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When I Rule The Universe: Part Number B

November24

Weddings shall be banned unless people are wearing something from my newly-minted gallery of Fug Wedding Dresses. Because obviously.

Everything shall be renamed in fanciful (likely rude) terms. Like the “Shut Your Whore Mouth Pie*” I’m making today. MUCH more tasty sounding than “Bourbon Vanilla Pecan Pie.”

I will ban the word “literally.” Most people MISUSE it (myself included). You are not “literally shitting your pants” unless you have a pile of dookie in your drawers. So let’s just call it a white-flag and remove the word from the English language before I grind my teeth into nubbins from hearing it.

You will be able to SAY what you’re looking for into the computer and the proper web page will be pulled up. That way, I can end my Ugly Cardigan Of Doom Campaign** and focus on the more worthwhile pursuit of staring at my wall.

Bloggers – no matter the size of their blogs – will be rock stars. We shall rise from the ranks of the fumbling nerds to snort cocaine off hot models and party into the night with our entourage of hangers-on.

Anything that’s undecided by a traditional argument will be taken to a dance-off. Especially in political forums. The White House will have a fucking sweet House Band and a disco floor to host these dance-offs. It will, of course, make the world interested in politics.

Speaking of that, the White House will be renamed “The Sequined House.” Why? White is drab and dull. With Richard Simmons as our mascot, we need fabulous. Plus, then we can finally put an end to people who make jokes about the color of the damn house.

Pain shall be outlawed and sent to the “Alot” island. Pain is fucking bullshit.

I will set the top scientists in the country to work on something to measure seriousness. Anyone who is too serious for too long will have to listen to ABBA Β and watch dancing cat videos until they are smiling again. Even if they are smiling because they are now certifiable from listening to ABBA.

Abdominoplasty’s will be available to everyone who wants one.

Bret Michaels: Rock Of Herpes Love will come back on the air and NEVER LEAVE. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss that show.

Band Back Together will form a real band. I’ll totally play triangle. Or be a backup dancer. OBVIOUSLY.

**where the hell do you buy cardigans if you hate cardigans?

*am totally (fake) photoblogging it

——————

What are you going to do when you own The Universe?

78 Comments to

“When I Rule The Universe: Part Number B”

  1. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:01 pm Miss Grace Says:

    I LOVE weddings! Everyone is drunk and happy and you get to see your out of towner college friends.

  2. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You’re SO much nicer than I am.

  3. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:04 pm CycleNinja Says:

    When I run the Universe? Two words: no speakerphone. Speakerphone is bullshit.

  4. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:06 pm Gen Says:

    Dance off. Yes. Upon deep contemplation, I think this is a really effective means of solving problems. I’m literally serious on this. But not too serious. Don’t make me listen to ABBA or watch cats dance. Just politicians.

  5. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:39 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    NO LITERALLY. NOOOOO LITERALLY. GAH. GAH. GAH. I’m sending you to the alot island.

  6. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:07 pm CycleNinja Says:

    That’s what makes the movie “Wall-E” so funny–it’s pathetically true.

  7. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:08 pm Shell Says:

    I’d love to see the dance-off.

    And yes, bloggers = rock stars!!!

  8. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:39 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Rock stars are overrated. We bloggers get no credit.

  9. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:10 pm Sam Says:

    I’m going to name Heather-from-Brett Michael’s Rock of Herpes Love as my official Duchess and party with her ass every day. Because she totally should have won. A. She can spin on a pole like a pro, because she is a pro. B. She has the baddest ass 80s hair EVER. C. She face-punched everyone on the reunion show.

    And, Coke Zero will be the official drink, to be followed by rum.

    Then, Heather and I will get matching new implants. SWEET.

  10. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:38 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I looooooved Heather. MAN, I loved her. She was SO BADASS.

  11. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:12 pm Jana A Says:

    I can’t wait to snort coke off strippers! Sounds like something that should stay in Vegas though! Also, can I have a piece of that SYWM pie for my husband? He’s pissing me off already and we are nowhere near home. And? Lastly? I’ll handle the cowbell for BB2G! Like I already do!! Smoochies xoxo

  12. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:37 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think we’ll have a cowbell section on BB2G.

  13. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:12 pm Jana A Says:

    I can’t wait to snort coke off strippers! Sounds like something that should stay in Vegas though! Also, can I have a piece of that SYWM pie for my husband? He’s pissing me off already and we are nowhere near home. And? Lastly? I’ll handle the cowbell for BB2G! Like I already do!! Smoochies xoxo

  14. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:17 pm Erin Says:

    When I rule the universe, use of the term “furbabies” will be punishable with a prison sentence. No time off for good behavior, either.

  15. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:32 pm CycleNinja Says:

    Can we add the term “paw-rent” for people who treat their pets as furbabies, also?

  16. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:33 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OH MY GOD. I have never EVER heard that. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

  17. On November 24th, 2010 at 5:47 pm Erin Says:

    I’ve never heard that one. Wow. I hereby state that the law should cover paw-rents, too.

  18. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:36 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I honestly thought “furbabies” was a kind of stuffed animal for like 2 years. Seriously.

  19. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:53 pm CycleNinja Says:

    I think it’s what you get when “furries” don’t use protection.

    BRAIN BLEACH IN THE TRAUMA WARD, STAT!

  20. On November 24th, 2010 at 3:20 pm Josefina Says:

    I also thought it was a kind of stuffed animal. Very confusing.

  21. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:19 pm Maile Says:

    The only cute cardigans (in my opinion) are at anthropologie and as such cost about $20000000 each…

    So I continue to wear my crappy old navy too deep of a v neck, poorly placed tie waisted short sleeve(I sweat a lot) cardigan because the only shirts that fit over my milk bags(even though I am totally not Canadian) are my Target maternity tank tops….

  22. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:37 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I found a cardigan I like. Over $350 dollars. What. The. Fuck? I don’t understand how my taste can be so BAD and expensive at the same time.

  23. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:20 pm leanne Says:

    “Basically” needs to be banned as well.

    And I’ve now got “Dancing Queen” in my head. Though it does sorta make me want to get up and dance. But not as much as “Take a Chance on Me.”

    Oh, and family holidays will be FUN. Or at least much more tolerable. Whatever that means to you and your family. For starters I’d like my 8-9 hour drive to visit family to be accomplished in mere seconds.

  24. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Take A Chance on Me is a FABULOUS song, isn’t it?

  25. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:25 pm Lisa Says:

    Why do you *have* to buy a cardigan?

  26. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I bought a sleeveless top that needs something to layer on top of it. Dressier than a hoodie. If there’s something besides a cardigan, I’m all ears. Okay, I’m not ALL EARS. That’s creepy sounding.

  27. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:27 pm Tershbango Says:

    Let me know when we get to the part about snorting blow off naked models, mmmmkay?

  28. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:28 pm Andie Says:

    I want to live in this world.

  29. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:34 pm Bob Says:

    Skorts! Skorts are bullshit

  30. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:44 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Skorts are total bullshit.

  31. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:36 pm a Says:

    How can you hate cardigans??? I love cardigans. I don’t know where you buy nice ones, but I generally find mine at Marshall’s and Nordstrom Rack.
    When I rule the Universe, no one will be allowed to drive when I’m on the road. Especially the two idiots who couldn’t work an entire parking lot today at lunch. How hard is it to find a spot and pull in when the lot is 2/3 empty?

  32. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:38 pm a Says:

    Also, when are you running for Congress, so we can get this dance-off thing enacted?

  33. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know? I bet people would vote for someone on this platform alone. Not ME, but someone else.

  34. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:39 pm KC Says:

    Okay so first of all…. Aunt Becky for President. Let’s get behind this campaign guys.

    Secondly … if we form a band I will totally join. I even sing, tap dance, play keyboard, and play guitar. Soooooooo I’m down to be in a band. All of my high school dreams will come rushing back in all their glory … except maybe the bangs. Definitely not going to bring back those bangs … too many bad memories.

    Also, can I just say that I also miss Rock of Love? That show was my blow. So maybe I can snort Rock of Love off of some hooker’s body? Please? Maybe? … please?

    Also, I love you.

  35. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You’re SO in the band, baby.

  36. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:41 pm Erin Says:

    1) Madonna’s rendition of “Santa Baby” will be outlawed.
    2) People will not judge me for eating a Happy Meal whenever I friggin’ want to.
    3) The aforementioned Dance-Off idea will be enacted, as long as it’s not skills that win but ENTHUSIASM. Because I can’t dance.

  37. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, enthusiasm is ALL it will be based upon. And Madonna sung Santa Baby? AWFUL.

  38. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:45 pm Tweets that mention When I Rule The Universe: Part Number B | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Topsy.com Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky and Badasian, Sue Rock. Sue Rock said: Genius. RT @mommywantsvodka Things I will ban when I rule the universe: http://bit.ly/f6JyJp […]

  39. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:46 pm Lisa Says:

    Ok, how about:
    http://bit.ly/eZp5tY (trendy/pricey, but you’re worth it), or
    http://bit.ly/fmt60G (not quite as pricey, a little more leopard-y)

    I started looking elsewhere in case AT’s not your bag, and found myself in your mood of cardigan-disgust. I feel your pain! Remember, one day to go before VTs with orange and cranberries…

  40. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:56 pm The Mommy Says:

    People will be banned from telling mothers, “You certainly have your hands full!” Really? Like I have NEVER heard that before? Come up with something original and then I’ll acknowledge that you’re talking to me, mmkay? (Sorry. Rough errand day.) OOOH! Maybe they should have to dance!! I love the dance-off, especially if it’s merely enthusiasm that counts!

  41. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh I HATE that comment. I think my Fuck You gaze normally scares people from saying that to much any longer, but I used to hear it frequently.

  42. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:57 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    I am LITERALLY peeing my pants right now. Aw, crap. I have to go change.

    Ok, I’m back. What would I do if I were in charge of the universe? I’d make every student walk into my classroom and apologize to me every day for existing, and for overusing commas. And I’d stop assigning papers — I’d give grades by having them all take part in cage fights. One survivor, one passing grade.

  43. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    But commas are full of the AWESOME. I haven’t taken a college English class since my freshmen year in college. I’m pretty sure my professors hated me. I’d have kicked anyone’s ass in a cage fight, though.

  44. On November 25th, 2010 at 8:46 pm cuz I'm the mommy Says:

    I’d have totally taken the cage fight over a paper any day! I too despise comma abuse.

  45. On November 24th, 2010 at 1:58 pm Andra Says:

    When I rule the universe, which I am hoping will be next week, I will be making it an automatic death sentence (to be carried out immediately) to anyone that abuses a child, or an animal… because abusers are lower than pond scum…. in my humble opinion……

    On a brighter note….. I am outlawing those pants that the kids wear that let half of their ass show… I hate those! Anyone that wears those will be subjected to watching a marathon of The Waltons…. and The Lawrence Welk Show…. I am evil….

    Chocolate will be the national food… And have zero calories… πŸ™‚

  46. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:01 pm Sandra Says:

    Always enjoy my read here…literally!
    I was reading your profile (’cause I’m creepy that way,) and even that was entertaining!
    Thanks for your consistency, I needed that.

  47. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:15 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    *blushes* I heart you.

  48. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:19 pm jessica Says:

    The following words: scab, moist, clot, jeggings, jorts. But just to clarify, I dig jeggings. Just not the rediculous word.

    And I’m totally with you on the cardigans.

    And obvs the word alot. You woudnt write abunch or aton……

  49. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:23 pm Meg Says:

    I’m banning people who say ‘Walmarts’ and ‘anyways’. That drives me insane. Also, mullets are banned, and any woman caught sporting one gets twat kicked.

  50. On November 24th, 2010 at 3:24 pm Josefina Says:

    How about Reesey’s Pieces? Did the way I wrote that make sense? REESEY. sob.

  51. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:29 pm Lynn MacDonald Says:

    I already rule the Universe. Did you not get the memo? All stupid and irritating people will be expelled…or at least kept out of my way. Especially while driving and in grocery stores. Speaking of grocery stores, baggers who put bread underneath anything will be exterminated immediately. That is all!

  52. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:29 pm Vanessa Says:

    I am so glad I stumbled back across you blog. You so make me laugh!
    I too hate wedding .. thus maybe why I have been living with the love of my life for the past 5 yrs but haven’t broke down & married him! When I do I am totally wearing flip flops!

  53. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:52 pm Eric Says:

    When I rule the universe the Imperial March from Star Wars will be the soundtrack for wherever I go. I will appear cruel, smacking my gloved fist into my open palm, but privately act kind to kids and dogs and to my lady, with whom I will rule the universe together. People in my universe will never say “sammich.” If they do I will choke them with my mind (an exception to the not-cruel part). Also people will never criticize or be disappointed with me except for things I don’t care about. “Eric you would be a terrible accountant.” Good. That’s actually a complement. Also I will have the Mercedes SUV I secretly hardon about, surrounded by so many goddamn liberals, and the Mercedes will be black, but I’ll build a hybrid death star.

  54. On November 24th, 2010 at 2:53 pm CycleNinja Says:

    People who pronounce the word “wash” like it has an R in it–“warsh.” It’s a midwestern thing.

  55. On November 24th, 2010 at 3:02 pm Erin @ Mommy on the Spot Says:

    I love the dance-off idea! I got Just DAnce 2 for my birthday, and I think I will use it in all future mediations. Not only does this game help me loose weight, it will help me win at life. SCORE!

    And we listen to all ABBA all. the. time. Ever since my mom let my 4 year old watch Mama Mia about four months ago, that’s pretty much been a staple in our house. She even wants to have a Mama Mia birthday party. Not so sure the other moms would appreciate it, you know?

    Have a great Thanksgiving!

  56. On November 24th, 2010 at 3:22 pm Josefina Says:

    J. Crew for a cardigan? I don’t know…I can’t relate because cardigans are my favorite thing EVER.

  57. On November 24th, 2010 at 3:25 pm Amy @ RenderMeMama Says:

    Hrm. Also: Calories at Thanksgiving. Well, any holiday really. If the fucking bank gets a day off, why don’t calories? Calories are BULLSHIT.

  58. On November 24th, 2010 at 4:23 pm Dr. Cynicism Says:

    “Bloggers – no matter the size of their blogs – will be rock stars. We shall rise from the ranks of the fumbling nerds to snort cocaine off hot models and party into the night with our entourage of hangers-on.”

    ^THIS. omg… this.

  59. On November 24th, 2010 at 4:35 pm Stephanie Says:

    I love love LOVE that you are calling your pie “Shut your whore mouth pie” because, I too name my concoctions. I made a cherry pie INSIDE a chocolate cake the other day and named it Jenna. Last night I made a dutch apple pie inside a spice cake and we are calling that one Eve.
    ….and yes, we are dirty minded and named the cakepies after porn. cause thats how we roll.

    I am also going to insist my children dance-off all of their disagreements. Should make them exhausted & less cranky.

    brilliant!

  60. On November 24th, 2010 at 5:28 pm Bell Says:

    Can I be in the band? I can play the marimba!

  61. On November 24th, 2010 at 5:37 pm KaraB Says:

    Holy crap, I’m starting a blog immediately! I want to be a rock star and I’m pretty sure everyone would LOVE to hear about my epic clumsiness (broke a finger picking up a box), my many cats (but they aren’t furbabies, creepy!), and that I pee a little if I sneeze to hard. Yeah, I’m totally full of awesomeness and should be a rockstar!

  62. On November 24th, 2010 at 6:05 pm Ann Says:

    Possums. When I rule the Universe all the possums that frolic on our property will have to wear sparkly collars and be pretty. No sparkly collar, go sleep in someone elses trashcan.

  63. On November 24th, 2010 at 6:28 pm McGilli Says:

    I will make everyone happy… come on!!! and thou shalt be permitted to swear whenever the fuck you want to in front of whoever the fuck is around.
    I will also mandate longer chords on the charger for the Droid.
    vodka will become the drink of choice for everyone and wine will replace sweet tea all over the South.
    Thank you and good night.

  64. On November 24th, 2010 at 7:16 pm katrina Says:

    Fuck yeah! Dance Offs!! –the answer to all arguments…..i AM serious.

  65. On November 24th, 2010 at 7:38 pm katrina Says:

    oh, i forgot…”literally” and “basically” are (basically and literally) fuckin useless! But happy thankful day anyway!

  66. On November 24th, 2010 at 7:21 pm Tia Says:

    http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=8993&vid=1&pid=802760
    http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=8993&vid=1&pid=789197
    http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?searchCID=25781&vid=1&pid=788155

    http://www4.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?GrpTyp=SIZ&ItemID=1a10a94&Ntt=cardigan&hdnOnGo=true&Ne=840+4+877+878+5+961+6+29+3+598+11+15+12+506+10+23+585+596+1031+8+18+904+903+969+949+833&submit%20search.y=0&SearchString=cardigan&submit%20search.x=0&N=4294959029&Nao=0&SO=0&PSO=0&CmCatId=searchresults

  67. On November 24th, 2010 at 8:21 pm Maria Says:

    I totally want to live in your universe. Free tummy tuck! Wheeeee!

  68. On November 24th, 2010 at 8:39 pm Andra Says:

    I forgot, when I rule the universe, again, next week, it will be perfectly legal to drag the person tailgating you, out of their vehicle, and beat them to death with their own fucking leg!! Grrrrrr…..

  69. On November 24th, 2010 at 8:39 pm Andra Says:

    I forgot, when I rule the universe, again, next week, it will be perfectly legal to drag the person tailgating you, out of their vehicle, and beat them to death with their own fucking leg!! Grrrrrr…..

  70. On November 24th, 2010 at 9:42 pm Choleesa Says:

    Oh Aunt Becky, can the dance floor in the White House be like the dance floor in Saturday Night Fever?? You know, with the color changing lights?? Please Oh please?

  71. On November 25th, 2010 at 2:16 am Angela Says:

    “Take a Chance on Me” is my ringtone. ABBA.is.awesome.

    I would put aside any morals and disregard embarrassing my family and friends to be on Rock of Love or just to be near Bret Michaels for a day. Sadly though, I’m very, er, under qualified to appear on that show.

    I have a blog with 3 followers, but I can be a rockstar too!!??

  72. On November 25th, 2010 at 2:27 am Angela Says:

    I’m real!!

  73. On November 25th, 2010 at 7:10 am Anna aka Gots2noJohstono Says:

    Weddings are the devil. You are a brilliant angelic devil. Also, everyone wins at a dance off. ; )

  74. On November 25th, 2010 at 10:05 pm Dana H Says:

    I was planning to wear a wedding dress made entirely out yards and yards of itchy red tartan for my first wedding. My to be husband said all starry eyed – yoo can wear anything you like to our wedding, even if it’s a black wedding dress, ah lurve everythin about yooo.

    His first mistake in our marriage was that he was lying about all of that. Sucka! Prolly why he’s an ex.

    Anyhoo – I think I’d be happy as a clam in whatever it is that clams are happy in, in your universe. πŸ˜‰ Where can I buy me some stock in your universe??

  75. On November 26th, 2010 at 9:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I laughed for like twenty minutes at this comment. Not because you had to get divorced or anything, but this comment needs to be framed. The mental picture was too much. I love you for it.

  76. On November 26th, 2010 at 7:22 am ChopperPapa Says:

    Want to know what is really fucking bullshit?!?! ABBA is fucking bullshit, if I ever hear “Dancing Queen” again I’m literally going to take a baleen hammer to my kneecaps..HA!

    sidebar- may want to check your commentluv, doesn’t look like it showing any love. And I think you’d appreciate my bit of roadkill post today OR, I can shut the hell up and mind my own business…:-)

  77. On November 26th, 2010 at 10:28 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Of COURSE I want to read it. Is it working now? I updated CommentLuv. The plugin was outdated (just like my version of WP, which I need to update, too)(EW)(Updates suck).

  78. On November 27th, 2010 at 3:09 pm ChopperPapa Says:

    I’m gonna guess not, but I’m a technical neanderthal, so take that for what its worth.

    http://www.chopperpapa.com

    Word!

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