When I Become Supreme Master of the Universe
People who use “alot” rather than “a lot” will be banished to a small island where they will be forced to listen to the collective works of Captain and Tennile until they can demonstrate that they know that “a lot” is not, has never been, and never will be one motherfucking word.
Comic Sans will be banned to the alot island for being the stupidest looking fucking font, ever.
The commercial that begins “I have genital herpes….and I don’t!!” will be burned for all of the times it’s made me choke on my breakfast cereal because I then had to spend the rest of the day thinking about diseased genitals. STD’s aren’t something we should be ashamed of. Commercials that make me think of weeping sores are.
People who write blogs like Mommy Wants Vodka shall be exiled to star in erectile dysfunction commercials.
Any commercial that tells me to “have a happy period” should be forced to donate all profits to women’s shelters around the world. No one has a “happy period.” Even all those times I was like, “WOO HOO! GOT MAH PERIOD! I’M NOT KNOCKED UP!” It lasted for .04 seconds until I was all, “oh…my period. Ew.”
The word “Hubby” will be banished from the English Language for being too cutesy and making me nauseous.
All email programs will come with a Passive-Aggressive filter, and any that have a passive-aggressive tone will be immediately sent to cyber trash.
The Braggy Facebook Status Offenders shall be banished to MySpace.
The DMV will stop requiring a goat, three pails of milk and a kidney to renew your driver’s license.
All government employees will have to be polite and courteous or they will have their sassy mullets shaved as punishment.
Naptime shall be mandatory for every single person, every day of the week.
Pants will be optional.
Narcotics shall be manufactured to be non-addictive.
Anyone who regularly uses corporate speak with buzz-words shall be banished with the “alot” people to the very same island.
Mayonnaise* and thousand island dressing shall be napalmed off the planet for being an abomination.
Random ZOMBIE ATTACK! Drills shall be practiced.
The entertainment industry will stop making vampire-related movies and television shows. The trend is kinda played out, people.
Email programs will come with a “translate” feature allowing you to translate your email into:
- Zombie
- Pirate
- LOL! Cats
- Porn Speak
- Old Englishe
- Hipster
- Hippie
- Cheech and Chong
Richard Simmons shall be the national mascot.
Gladiators will make a fierce comeback.
Apple will make all of its products affordable to everyone.
All internet reference sites will have to be reputable with credible sources used as references for any statements said as facts.
People will stop arguing about breast v bottle feeding because they will finally realize that it’s really fucking boring.
APA format will be blown off the scholastic map. Or an actual reference guide will be invented.
*You Lovers of Mayo win. I won’t ban it.
——————
Your turn, Pranksters. What will you mandate when YOU rule the world?
One person will be in charge of all blow jobs for my husband and it won’t be me.
Can I hire her for my husband, too?
or him… (just sayin)
I like your idea a lot, thenextmartha!
So Right! And hand jobs. I’ve got carpal tunnel.
I would first make my hubby buy alot of thousand island dressing for me! (hahahaha)
Then I would make it a law that pizza places were open for breakfast because, dammit, people want pizza for breakfast! (don’t they?)
Absolutely!
Fabulous as always!!!
Hilarious!!! (Even if I’m guilty of using “hubby” on occasion.)
OMG @ richard simmons at mascot.. MY GOD that would be… an adventure to say the least… lmao
can you imagine the fashions trends going around in the mens department after that… we might want to rethink that one……
lol imagine a thousand million napollion dynamites…. on meth… in short shorts… lol
i have to say…this is an ingenious post. hopefully the universe listens to you and makes you supreme master.
i liked this post “really alot”! (just poking the bear)
and i kind of liked “thenextmartha”‘s response / suggestion. but then i’d have to smack the bitch that touched my man’s long-duck-dong. but it’s still a good suggestion in theory!
ok I was already working on an island for myself and those I deemed “worthy” because I thought it would be easier to select the very few humans I can tolerate and just move them to my “new” country. But if you are going to rule the universe I could possibly donate the use of the island for the “alot” and “buzz word” people. I am sure they will trash my place so if you could please send along all zealots they can just do a lord of the flies eat the pig type thing. The island should be vacant in 3 or 4 months and we can go back to using it as a “retreat” ( that’s code for place to drink and have 1/2 naked sexy men wait on you).
Good post.. one thing I absolutely hate is when people type noone when they are trying to say “No One”.. ugh!
When I see someone type noone I get excited thinking I’m gonna get lucky over the lunch hour!
SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/
Am I allowed to vote for you to become SMotU? (Ha ha, just realize that looks like “Smote you”! Which I think could be your tagline. You know, for after you smite an asshole.) Because I think I would like your Universe.
That all delicious food be healthy. Salad would be BAD, cheeseburgers would make you svelte and sexy. Beer wouldnt give you a belly, green tea would!
Melissa for SMotU!! I’m campaigning and jumping on your bandwagon. Ooooh, that sounds hot!
A block that keeps all people unable to sense satire off one’s blog (and out of the comment section, because yeah, Russell I. Crowe has some vapid, sensitive fans.
Mandatory 6 weeks of vacation. (And I’m so down with the nap thing).
Co-workers who talk (and/or sing and hum – OMG are my ears BLEEDING?!?!?) to themselves all day should be banished with the buzz word people and the alot people.
Beef stew should go the way of mayonnaise and Thousand Island Dressing. Except without the mayonnaise… because I like it.
HM
Can I banish the co-worker who eats LOUDLY at his desk across the cubewall from me to that special island too?
He also berates his wife on the phone daily.
So yeah everyone who eats loudly at their desks and berates their wives. I officially add.
And the co-workers who whistle, they need to go too.
Any commercials that deal with anything in the nether-region (male or female) should be stricken from the planet.
Also, Kenny Loggins will be played 24/7 in grocery stores and it will be a mix of “Danger Zone”, “Meet Me Halfway” (theme from Over The Top) and “Conviction of the Heart”. I will perfectly time my trip to the frozen meats with “HIGHWAYYYYYYYYYYYY TO THE DANGER ZONEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
Also Wednesdays will be “Pants Optional” day. BOOY YAH
Also I would ban the words: Woot, Woop and Moist.
I seriously always thought it was I WENT TO THE Danger Zone! Man I’m bad with lyrics! Kenny Loggins is the king of theme songs though. Can you include the one from Caddy Shack too? I’m alright, nobody worry ’bout me!
Possibly. I was going for the “hat trick” though. But I think we can squeeze it in. Hell, it’s Kenny Mofugga Loggins!
You know the song “Down on the Corner” by CCR?
When I was little, I thought where he sings “Willie and the Poor Boys are playing” he was singing “there’s a pawpaw and a clam”.
The Man always though the chorus to the Cold Chisel song Cheap Wine went “cheap wine and a three-legged goat”. I still haven’t stopped giving him shit for that one. I dunno what he thought Barnsey was gunna do with a three-legged goat and knowing my darling Kiwi, I don’t think I want to know what he thought.
Dearest Aunt Becky,
I have been compelled to finally comment on one of your posts, because well, it’s fantistic.
But can we please keep mayo when you are supreme master of the universe? I do kind of like it. Please and thanks 🙂
Your Prankster Truly,
Megan
I want you to be the Supreme Master of the Universe. (Though sadly, I have become used to APA formatting. The horror.)
Oh, I’m guilty of a few of those things. 1. Hubby. I use hubby instead of his real name, because calling him asshole all the time just doesn’t seem kind. 2. Mayonnaise is okay in my book…as long as it is in something..like apple salad.
I totally agree with the first poster too. I need her at my house.
Great list Aunt Becky!!!
Which btw. I have a “real” Aunt Becky, that’s her name, but she is a total psyhco nutcase bitch. So from here forth, you are my one and only Aunt Becky. Now in family situations, when someone mentions Aunt Becky, I’ll picture your face, and smile. My family will think I have finally came to peace with the Aunt Becky I no longer have, and get off my back! YAY!! It’s win win.
Miley Ray Cyrus and her perv-o daddy, Billy Ray Cyrus need to be on that island with the alots and buzz-word people!
Also, I would like to have mandatory executions for people who use “You and I” incorrectly. And people who say “ATM machine” and “PIN number”.
and people who say ‘www’ before site names. because even if it TECHNICALLY has a www at the front, you don’t need to type it in.
i hate people with the ‘atm machine’ phrase. kills me.
can we add the people who say “yous” too please?
That would be most of Chicago.
Yay! Someone else who feels the same way about “hubby” as me! I’ve been rallying to get rid of that word for a long time!
Alcohol would have no calories. Along with dessert.
Outlaw pictures of actresses in bikinis who have had plastic surgery, stomach stapling, personal chefs and/or trainers that come to their homes.
Outlaw people endorsing “cleansing” systems. If you’re not pooping enough, I don’t need to know about it.
Pranksters would run the country.
TGIF would not just be a restaurant name but a mandatory holiday which involves alcohol and bacon.
Free wi-fi and TIVO for all.
People who complain that they gained 5 lbs. will be shot.
The hate-mongering liars at Faux “News” will stop making millions of dollars pretending to give a crap about average struggling Americans. And their penises will fall off, too.
One of my co-workers says “expecially” and it drives me nuts. Can we add that to the list?
Ugh. YES, I so agree. And “EX-presso”? It’s fucking espresso people!
the coffee shop at my work is named Expresso! It’s horrible! It’s reinforcing the wrongness!
When I become Queen of the Galaxy (or at least Princess of the little corner in my mind) I will:
Banish all narcissistic people to their own island so they are forced to deal with themselves-types & hopefully realize what douchebags they are.
Sex will be everyday!
Nutella will be redefined as a health food.
It shall be deemed that masturbation is perfectly healthy and fun. (Take that Christine O’Donnell!)
Flip-flops will be ok to wear to the office.
Jon Stewart will be my love slave.
Wait…Nutella’s not a health food? Fuck!!
A sarcasm font will be created and it’s use will be mandatory for all sarcasm related internet & text statements so there will no longer be an ambiguity about who was being sarcastic about what. If you don’t use the font initially, you cannot later claim sarcasm when people are offended. You will instead be beaten with the surplus of zucchinis every gardener in the nation currently has on hand.
Hahaha! That’s awesome! And yes, there is a surplus of zucchini this year! We’ve had a TON!
At the risk of not knowing who is reading…
All obese people needing wheelchair b/c they are too fat to walk will only be allowed lettuce and green tea until they can ditch the wheelchair and hike the Ding Dong aisle on their own two feet.
The word “cream” will be no more. From here on out its Redi-Whip, Face Wash, … ice cream can stay because its really like one word in my head.
Incessantly happy and upbeat people will be forced into negativity at least one time per day until they realize that their life has shit in it just the way everyone else’s life does.
Twitter accounts will be required for all messages and questions < or = 140 characters.
TheTameOne for president!!
I am banning Taylor Swift from ever singing again. And all her songs will be deleted from history.
DWTS will actually have stars on the show. Scratch that, the show will just be permanently banned, along with all of the other reality tv shows that make people think they are famous.
And chocolate would contain all of our nutritional needs.
That is all.
My daughters rode in an elevator with Richard Simmons once…he was dressed in a patriotic spangly workout tank top and short-shorts, on his way to address a Presidential Council on Fitness (this was in DC).
That was the highlight of the trip.
Along with the ‘alot’ people go the ones who use the word ‘plethora’. And those whose say ‘alright’ when they mean ‘all right.’
And the people who decided that the best way to advertise Cialis was to put people in bathtubs. SEPARATE bathtubs. No one is gettin’ it on in separate bathtubs, guys.
I am very jealous. Richard Simmons makes me weep, I love him so.
He is so peppy! He delights everyone who meets him.
And picture him in a patriotic spangly workout outfit…it is just perfection.
Chocolate would be a major food group.
Daily naps for sure.
Also, birthdays should be paid holidays. No one should need to take a vacation day to enjoy their birthday. Except maybe those people that use “alot.” They should work their birthday and not get paid.
Great minds think alike. I currently have a blog saved to drafts titled “When I Become President”… dammit! I fucking hate mayo, especially from fast food places. I mean, really? You know those bastards just went in the back room and squeezed out their own special sauce and called it mayo. *gag* Speaking of which, apparently I’m the only woman in the world that likes giving my “hubby” blow jobs! lol
When I post my “When I Become President” blog, I’ll let you (and John C. Mayer and Kate I. Gosselin) know!
http://blogyouraoff.blogspot.com
i did a post like this a couple of weeks ago. i think mine was a bit more controversial than yours, aunt motherfucking becky. but i’m only looking to take over the country, not the universe.
so i bet we could coexist peacefully as rulers. and i would adopt your daily nap routine into my plan for domination.
here’s the one i did:
http://justanotherwastedday.blogspot.com/2010/09/what-i-will-do-when-i-run-country.html
I…have to think about this.
Anybody that looks as good or better after giving birth to a child should be banned to a small island, too.
Where can I vote for you to be supreme master of the universe? If only you would ban ketchup, too. I know, I’m completely strange, but ketchup freaks me out. I can’t even touch it.
Um. I adore you Aunt Becky, but if you’re going after the “alot” folks, you might want to include folks who use “it’s” when they mean “its”. Um. Like you did above, with Apple and its products. Hem. 😉 (I’m sure it’s totally your spell checkers fault. Or John C. Mayer’s.)
People that are dicks will have to walk around with a giant dick tattoo’d across their foreheads…or maybe their cheeks would be better!
Oh hell yes. I’m so sick of them. SO sick of them. It has been a week of assmunches, hasn’t it?
or at least a mushroom print tattoo?
Oh hell yes Aunt Becky. I thought of you today and wondered if you’d mind putting the fucking POST OFFICE on the List of Things That Are Bullshit. I was in line forever and they have like 2 lines open. Idiots.
Also, my sister and I have an imaginary bus. On it are people we hate, (celebrities mostly, but we do include annoying family members) and when we come across one, we say, “Put them on the bus.” That bus is headed to your remote island with people who say Hubby. I also hate people who say Preggers or Prego.
I wonder if we can somehow get you on an election ballot where we can vote for Aunt Becky, Master of the Universe.
LOL! I had to laugh at “the bus” comment. My friend and I do the same thing, only it’s “the ship”. That ship will eventually be shot into the center of the sun (we totally copied it from that one episode of Southpark).
As soon as I read to ban the word “hubby” I immediately thought of “preggers.” We’re grown women. Preggers? Really?!
Bwahahahahahahahaha!
This is why I call my kids “crotch parasites,” actually. It’s in direct response to the “hubby/preggers” phenomenon.
“CROTCH PARASITES” is full of the awesome, AB. There is a girl in my office who is PREGNANT/KNOCKED UP/EXPECTING twin girls and if one more person says “Anyone heard from Prego? How’s Preggers doing?” I will punch someone.
So far the bus, or ship!!! 🙂 Contains Kirstie Alley and other annoying celebrities.
Some fucking jackass in my office just said SUPPOSE-A-BLY. I hate her.
Oh, how I HATE the “supposably” and “liberry” and “alot” people. I just found this blog (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html) this week and it had me howling with laughter. I love grammar/spelling/apostrophe abuse rants!
In the workplace, flip-flop sandals shall be securely attached to the person’s heel by use of a nail gun so the incessant smacking against the foot won’t disturb people who are trying to concentrate. This will hopefully make the offenders better understand that thong sandals are NOT proper footwear for the office.
Yes! I nominate you for Secretary of Supreme Footwear. Whenever I hear the smack + thwack of flip-flops, I want to fling X-ACTO® knives at their Achilles heels. Also, there should be fierce repercussions for people who don’t pick their feet up when they walk. (Folks with walkers, canes and/or crutches get a pass.) I’ve noticed that the lazy shuffle usually coincides with feet clad in flip-flops.
I’ll freaking ban mayonaise. I don’t give a crap about mayonaise lovers. That’s nasty stuff.
All people who pronounce “often” with the “t” sound will be banned with the “alot” people. Seriously, it’s a silent T people!
I’ll ban the mayo too. Ga-ross.
Holy CRAP! I have always pronounced the “t” in often, and never knew that it wasn’t correct! I have always thought that I was reasonably well spoken, double crap!
(I assure you, I speak for more clearly and eloquently than I write. And I totally just did spell-check on “eloquently”.)
Thanks for teaching this middle-aged dog a new trick!
Not fair! English is not my mother language. I got made fun of for saying the T in often and the L in Salmon!!!!! 🙁
But in the same way, I will ban people who dare prononce the L in cul-de-sac…….it’s a silent L people!!!
No thousand island dressing?? Gasp … WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO BIG MACS?
Added to the “alot” (it pains me to type it that way) and buzz word island will be people that end sentences in a preposition. Learn your grammar people!
But, Stacey, that’s a grammar myth. I know because Grammar Girl told me.
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ending-prepositions.aspx
I’m sorry you were lied to.
😉
Let me clarify, it’s the “Where are you at?” type sentences that kill me. Even grammar girl agrees with that one.
I’m with you there, though I hate, “Where you at?” more.
People who smack/pop chewing gum will have their jaws sewn shut for no less than six months. The penalty is twelve months if offense is committed in the workplace, class, movie theater, library, book store, et al. Also, people who spit/hocker in public will be chained to a pole on the town square and pelted with balloons filled elephant jism.
“…balloons filled WITH…”
I’m with you on the “alot” crew and the passive-aggressive filter. The one thing I’m really glad you said, though, was the “hubby” thing. It drives me batty, but so many bloggers use it!
It’s always good to have a forward thinking plan with real metrics to realize vision and ensure your ideas aren’t just blue sky. Alot of people don’t do this and negatively pass as a result.
I am so going to live in your kingdom, but please consider also banning the words “hoagie,” “webinar,” and the dreaded “chillax.”
Justin Bieber will be forced to attend an all girls high school. With any luck, the constant ear-piercing screams will damage his hearing and we will never have to hear another “baby” from him again.
I love this.
I think not only the Braggy Facebook Offenders should be banished to My Space, but also the “Whiney, My Life Sucks Offenders” should be banished to My Space as well, they drive me nuts.
I shall banish all packaging that says “tear here” but in fact doesn’t actually tear there.
OK, here’s my 2 cents…
I say that if you have any of the following: a cell phone, salon nails, cigarettes, an ipod/iphone/ipad/iwhatthefuckever and are on any form of public assistance and/or claim that you can’t pay any of your bills because you don’t have any money then you, too, shall be bansihed to the Island of Alot. There really are people out there who can actually USE the assistance that these dumbasses are so blatently abusing.
I totally agree with you on that braggy Facebook status bullshit! It is especially annoying when I know the opposite to be true. So I want to call them out, but in the end, I know that I look like the jerk. And no one likes a whistle blower.
And thanks for letting us that like mayo stay. I “heart* mayo.
Amen to both the braggy Facebook users and I too *heart* mayo!
First, thanks for unbanning mayonnaise. I love that stuff. Miracle Whip should be banned, though.
Second, Fuck you! I am a government employee and I will be neither polite nor courteous! But that’s why I work in the lab and not with the public! I can keep it together for the few minutes a year that I actually have to deal with people.
Finally, I’m not sure banishment is severe enough punishment for the alot people, even if they have to spend eternity with the buzzword people. I’m certain that banishment for the buzzword people is not severe enough.
What wrong with APA? MLA may be superior, but the real Evil is Chicago style. I speak the truth.
Also? Can we send people who say fustrated instead of frustrated off with the “alot” people? And most like the people who say “and I” because they think it’s fancier even when completely incorrect?
And if narcotics are going to be non-addictive, can we make alcohol non-caloric?
Just a few thought…
My ex-husband used to say ‘flustrated’ — he probably still does — and it drove me bat shit crazy. He actually argued with me once (once!) that it was a real word.
My ex-husband used to say ‘the cat calling the kettle black’ instead of ‘the pot calling the kettle black.’
Never would back down. Drove me nuts.
As my dad would say, “They call them exes for a reason.”
Also, my ex’s father mispronounced everything. E.g., carafe = \kr?f\
That ‘?’ was supposed to be a long ‘a’. (Darn character encoding.)
Oh! I almost forgot to mention that the ex-husband slathers mayonnaise on his hot dogs/metts/brats and also dips French fries in it. Ewww! (I like mayonnaise, but not like that.)
When I become master of the universe, I’ll have to immediately repeal your ban on 1000 Island dressing. That would have to be the very first thing. 🙂
Thank goodness you’re not going to ban mayonnaise because really, that would be sad for me. Otherwise- I like your list. Ms. Moon approves. Now let’s see- if I were Queen of the Universe I would…um…well, if you want to know the truth- I think I might start out with allowing any two adults who want to be married to each other to do so. I know, that’s not funny. Okay, how about this- If I were Queen of the Universe, I would make people quit bleaching their teeth until they are blue. How’s that? Because really, there are people out there whose teeth are like glow-in-the-dark. It disturbs me.
ooh, can we also ban the use of “hun” “hunny” and the like unless you can prove you are Winnie the F’ing Poo?? 🙂
I’d vote for you!
But should I, the dark horse, win as a write-in candidate, I would ban the excessive use of adverbs that make no sense as adverbs. Instead of wiping their foreheads sweatily, the adverb fanatics will just wipe their sweaty foreheads with the Alot and Synergy crowds.
Complete background check and psychological testing before procreation is allowed.
Oh I’m with you on this one LiLaL
I’m with you in theory, but I’m pretty sure it would negate my existence, so you can’t really can’t my vote (because then I wouldn’t be here to vote, ya know?).
Anyone who writes meaningless fluff responses should be banished to that little island with all of the other mindless jerks. They can be kept with the facebook crowd, where they can click the ‘Like’ button to their heart’s content.
Also, everyone should be required to own a Heath’s Grammar and Usage book. Anyone who doesn’t know how to access dictionary.com will be required to own an Oxford English Dictionary. There should also be a test on the pronounciation of the word ASK. Don’t ax me a question, ASK me.
Imma ax you a question. Bwahahahaha! Man, I said that aloud and it made it alot funnier.
fuck anyone who says happy period. fuck them all
I looooovvvee my hubby alot. He bought me a 43 carat diamond ring while we were in Paris. And he hid it in a mayonnaise sandwich. Delish!
And then I made out with Richard Simmons (ummm…that part I would totally do. He wears lots of sparkles.)
I HATE YOU SO HARD. (with love)
Kids would never taunt each other with “na na na” and no one would ever use the word stupid.
When I become master of the universe, I will designate the following:
1. Punishment for cruelty to animals will be meted out via animal cruelty. Native environment be damned.
2. Tweezing, pruning and shaving will be executed magically during sleep on a subscription basis through a sushi-like menu.
3. “Crunchy” and/or “crispy” will be available for any food or flavor, while delivering the day’s complete nutritional value.
4. Watermelons bring summer with them whenever you eat them.
5. Frying, for those who feel compelled to work, will deliver Ph.D. status among those who qualify.
6. Everyone comes home to puppies.
7. You get to watch a movie of anything, at any point in history, and listen to the Robert Osborne narration of it.
8. Lifetimes are delivered through media players. You can rewind, fast forward or stop at any point.
9. There is no yesterday, today or tomorrow. The present is what you want it to be, and how long you want it to last.
10. Everything makes sense.
Brilliant! *applauds*
You sir, get a standing ovation.
I will mandate that all people who don’t pay their child support because they are total douches will have to be isolated so their is no more breeding!! Woman or man, pay your effing bills yo!!!
I will mandate that all people who don’t pay their child support because they are total douches will have to be isolated so their is no more breeding!! Woman or man, pay your effing bills yo!!!
I have to hop on the hire husband blowjober bandwagon. I like that idea alot….I mean a lot.
I have to hop on the hire husband blowjober bandwagon. I like that idea alot….I mean a lot.
“The entertainment industry will stop making vampire-related movies and television shows” and “Richard Simmons shall be the national mascot” both equal absolute and total WIN. Simmons is just a natural mascot, and I’m so god damn sick of vampires it’s not even funny in the least bit. Pick another creature/disease/thing PLEASE.
So when you running for president????
Robots. I vote for robots to replace vampires.
And I’m pretty sure that this blog would ban me from ever -EVER- taking office. Unless I changed my identity.
metric system. please.
YES! Along with burning APA, the metric system shall make a triumphant return!
The state should legislate that DMV’s hand out a double dose of Seraquel to all who enter AND a double dose of amphetamines to all the clerks.
When I rule the world:
Anyone who uses the phrase “om nom nom” will be force fed whatever food they’re describing until they puke, just because that’s the image that pops into my head whenever someone uses “om nom nom”. Think the movie Se7en, just not as deadly (I mean, I won’t force feed them linoleum or anything).
If you put me on the phone with your 3 year old because (s)he is driving you nuts & you don’t have the common sense God gave a goat to just hang up the phone, rather you put the child on the phone for me to entertain, I’m going to tell said child the most embarrassing story I can think of starring you from our high school years, and I will embellish the shit out of it. I don’t mean “One time mommy got her period while wearing white pants” – I mean “One time your mommy drank had too many shots and she puked so hard her tampon came flying out….of her nose!”.
Hal Sparks will be President of the United States.
People on the Metra having long conversations loud enough for me to hear over my headphones will have to go on Dr. Phil for treatment of their obvious attention-whore and/or hearing loss problems.
And last but certainly not least, my 6yr old son will learn to either pee in the toilet or I will make good on my 3yr-ongoing-threat of waking him up early every morning to mop the bathroom floor. I haven’t yet done it, but if I ruled the world maybe I could get away with it.
Love it – HILARIOUS! Your hatred for alot made me think you might enjoy this post from Hyperbole and a Half….
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html
I promise I am NOT a robot…
All food would be non fattening.
Also, Valium would be socially acceptable.
Hubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubby…whew, now that I got that urge out of my system, I want people who don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re to join the people who type prolly instead of probably to go to the same island of banishment as the “alot” offenders.
I’m with you on the there/their/they’re. Also? Know the difference between your/you’re and to/too/two.
right? I want to live on your planet.
and a happy period? really? fuck you, kotex. my period isn’t happy. it’s never happy. and a tampon sure the fuck isn’t going to make it happy. my period is an all consuming mountain of suck. (I may be on my period right now.
the same goes for midol commercials. remember the ones? forget about your period? realllly? I’m never going to forget about my period. never.
Don’t be hating on the Kotex — even though their new ad spots are bullshit. Always is the brand with the “Have a happy period. Always.” tagline. Barf. (Full disclosure: I work on the Always brand identity/packaging at times and it’s painful.)
Look kiddies! Beautiful wallpaper for your computer:
http://www.always.com/images/extras/green_800x600.jpg
Also, I would like people to stop LOL when they attempt to make a funny. Just knock it off already.
LOL. Alot.
“APA format will be blown off the scholastic map. Or an actual reference guide will be invented.”
I’m sorry, but unless being supreme master of the universe gives you time travel privileges and you can go back to the mid-90’s to rescue me from this abomination BEFORE I WRITE MY GODDAMNED MASTER’S THESIS, I can’t get on board with this one. EVERYONE else will have to suffer as much as I did.
My bitterness about that is the stuff of legends and dissertations.
You and I should sit down and BURN the fucking APA style guide to pieces while we dance around screaming about what a piece of SHIT it is. GAH. I HATE that fucking thing.
Oh, yes….THAT I can get on board with.
I’d even bring some goddamned marshmallows.
Fucking APA! I had erased the memory of it ever since leaving grad school.
Please put French dressing out with the Thousand Island.
Finally, anyone caught confusing “Your” with “You’re” and “Their” with “They’re” needs to be sentenced to death by 1,000 cuts. The paper kind.
The end.
I would like to, with every fiber of my being ban people who say things like “blessings in disguise” and “maybe its for the best” when some really shitty stuff happens to you. I mean, honestly, really.. is that helpful?! NO! Off you go! Enjoy digging a hole in the sand to shit in.
I second the alcohol having NO calories and non-addictive narcotics, abso-frickinlutely.
I would also totally ban people who eat with thier mouths open (ugh) and close talkers, seriously I DO NOT need to feel you talk.
I will forever and always hate 2 (now 4) things: 1. The word “panties” and 2. People I don’t know with big enough hair to touch me. (3). I hate alot too and (4). sentences that start with And
I will forever and always hate 2 (now 4) things: 1. The word “panties” and 2. People I don’t know with big enough hair to touch me. (3). I hate alot too and (4). sentences that start with And
Hehehehehe. Funny that a friend showed me this roughly 10 minutes after I read this post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSSQe6vsSw&feature=player_embedded#
I flippin’ hate the word hubby. sometimes i use it on twitter because it’s shorter.
I am not a fan of mayo on its own, it’s better when you add something to it!
Maybe when some types “alot” instead of the red squiggly line (chrome) under it, people’s fingers will be zapped for typing it incorrectly? That’ll learn ’em.
(Mine’s a serious one. Sorry.)
If I dork and forget to wear my wedding ring when I go out, people will not need to pray for me and my poor son with Down syndrome. He’s a great kid, his little sister, his dad & I love him tons and we don’t feel that Down syndrome is a cross to bear or evidence of our sins. Those people would accept that even their God thinks that my son is just the way he was intended and is a blessing just like any other son. And if they didn’t, then their vengeful God would give them herpes.
So there.
When I take over the world, 11 year-olds will be required to take a maturity test. If they fail, they are not allowed to talk except for an hour on Saturdays. Texting and tweeting is allowed, as I don’t have to see it. To regain the power of unrestricted speech, they may prove their maturity at the next test, as maturity testing will be an annual occurrence until they pass.
People who mix patterns or wear inappropriate clothing for their age and/or size. I don’t need to see muffin tops peeking out.
Makers of spandex over size XL
Supersized anything.
Old fat guys with long greasy hair who like to walk around with their shirts only buttoned on the bottom button and their nasty guts hanging out. Ban them. Put them in the landfill. Turn them into canned cat food. It just doesn’t matter, just get rid of them.
Also, Heidi and Spencer Pratt or whoever the fuck they are, get their asses on the island, the bus, the ship, whatever. GONERZ.
1) Pants are legally optional and strongly discouraged at my place (get over here).
2) Can we not only banish the word hubby, but smother it in lighter fluid and set it ablaze, to ensure it never returns to activate my gag reflexes ever, ever, ever again? Please?
And also, I’m confused. What do you mean When you Become Supreme Master of the Universe?
Well…SHIT! First off, I just threw props to you in my blog this morning. Cause I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU!!!
Second, you are now forcing me to go back through all of my posts to make sure I don’t have the imaginary word “alot” in any of my shit, because being banished by Aunt Becky would not be cool…not cool at all!!!!
Third…I like the blow job idea, except..yeah…I sorta (not a word either, right?) don’t mind giving them. 😀
I would ban the words “dollop” and “tummy” and anyone who talks above a certain decibel level.
Seriously. Can we also ban the word “preggo”? It makes me want to hurl a little bit in my mouth everytime someone says it. What? Am I making a spaghetti sauce? No. I’m harboring fugitives in my belly. It’s called pregnant. Assholes.
And mayo is gross.
If you hate “alot”, this blog will crack your shit up.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html
Now when people say alot in coversations with me, that is what I picture.
I will mandate that everyone’s clothes be tailored for their body. Ick.
Education on witty geek t-shirts from Woot and ThinkGeek will be mandatory.
People who can’t use a keyboard are only allowed to check their kids out from school when there is no one waiting behind them.
Rednecks with trashy yards and obscene kids automatically consent to a 24/7 paintball game.
The news will be broadcast in auto-tune version from start to finish.
Kids programming will ensure that the slut actresses keep their clothes on at all times.
The Princess Bride will be declared a national treasure.
All congressional bills must be approved by 4chan before going up for vote.
People who let their kids cuss must teach them more interesting phrases. Swearing is an art form and should be respected!
I <3 you Cyndi…can we be friends?! LOL!
Friends! Yay!
I’ll stalk you though. It’s kinda what I do. 😀
Uh…ok. I don’t have “alot” of friends anyway, so it’s totally cool!
p.s. I’m like a reverse stalking ninja…so we’ll see who sends who dead puppies first. LOL!
(Ok, that may have gone too far, but I totally warned you…NINJA!)
BRING IT! I’m hardcore PIRATE so I probably wouldn’t notice the dead puppies from all the rum I ingest.
But ya know, if pirates and ninjas joined forces to take over the world we’d just fail horribly due to lack of giving a damn.
Mayonnaise is vile and makes me gag. Preach it, don’t let the mayonnaise demons get you down.
awesome post, oh how I dream of living in your world lol
You HAVE to see the newest Kotex commercials. You’ll love them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRf35wCmzWw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOM4AMV050A
Don’t worry, they’re each less than a minute and totally worth your time. 🙂
Oh, no, I’m addicted to those now. Overnights with a beaver sleeping more comfortably? Are you kidding? Thanks for sharing!
Great list. You forgot the commercial about my “itch I can’t scratch”. BANISH-ED! If I can’t motherfucking scratch it then I don’t want to watch a commercial about it. Otherwise, I have free reign to scratch my itch whenever the hell I please.
Dear Aunt Becky,
First and foremost, thank you for not banning the mayo. I solemnly promise to never use it in your royal presence.
I totally agree with establishing an “Alot Island”. Poor grammar is my major pet peeve. Please give first class tickets to those morons who continually use “irregardless” – that word sends hot pointy spears up and down my spine and causes massive pain in my cerebral cortex! It’s REGARDLESS people, get it right!!
And finally, your choice of Richard Simmons is an amazing one! That put a smile on my face to be sure! Thanks again!!
I want to live in your universe!
This post is most awesome.
Could you also ban people who use the word literally incorrectly? Perhaps we could pair them up with people who also are guilty of excessive use of air quotes.
I agree with everyone above who mentioned expecially, fustrated and libary.
I’d also like to ban jeggings on people over the age of 20.
I’d like to force all women to wear a bra in public – unless you really are that small that you don’t need one.
Tom Cruise would suffer a serious case of depression and have to take lots of drugs.
In all seriousness, ALL marriages would be recognized – it doesn’t matter if you love a man or a woman – love is love.
And as a proud aunt to a now three year old preemie (25 weeks, 14 oz), all babies would be born healthy!!
Thanks Aunt Becky – you rock!
Woohoo! Optional pants!?!
Hell yes to all the above!!! Aunt Becky for mayor! I’ve never known anyone else love gladiators so publicly!
Hell yes to all the above!!! Aunt Becky for mayor! I’ve never known anyone else love gladiators so publicly!
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Food will be priced by the calorie so that healthy foods are encouraged and candy bars will be astronomically expensive. No wait, the other way around maybe.
I’m with you AB on the “a lot” folks. But the “everyday” people will have to go there too. This is TWO words people. (Yeah, there is an exception, but most people are not using this word as an adjective and it is frickin annoying!) But really, what is so bad about Comic Sans font? I am not all cutesy with it in bold flashy colors. I just like it so much better than ugly fonts. When dong anything official, I always use a standard like Times. Is that ok? Please don’t send me to the island with all the grammar dopeys!
In my universe, blow jobs don’t exist, no need. Husbands clean up after themselves and do helpful things around the house without being asked! Caffeine comes in a constant drip, like an insulin pump, and you can just press the button when you need a boost. Vegetables make you fat and hideous and pizza and cheeseburgers contain all nutrients for life. Music is part of everything and you are allowed to dance everywhere. Jobs pay you based on how hard you work, not on some unreasonable set of values that doesn’t make sense. Teachers will make way more than lawyers and business execs and nasty politicians. Umm, there’s a ton more, but I’m sleep deprived and brain dead. Must install caffeine drip now!!!
So… From this I assume we can no longer be friends. I will have to delete you from my read list and I can no longer be one of your pranksters… Why? You hate me.
I use the word Hubby. Mainly because fuck buddy started to confused people.
I work at the DMV. Now I will try and help you as best I can. I will take the time to explain things slowly and even write them down for you. All while wanting to bang my head against my desk. And i promise to make sure you leave before asking my co-worker if I was speaking English.
I will only get snarky if you start yelling at me first. “It’s not my fault you got a dwi and now have to pay $700” and “no I will not write you a letter saying you were here but didnt have any money to buy your tabs so you don’t get a ticket” “I’m sorry your tabs cost $500, next time don’t buy a $60,000 car” “Sir, telling me that your going to shoot your DR. for taking away your drivers license because you have been around longer than cars and couldn’t even walk up to the fucking counter, might be a bad idea… Just a thought.”
I do not have mullet though. If I ever get one, please shave my head.
I have both mayo and thousand island dressing in my fridge.
I love all vampire shows. Unapologetically.
Oh, and we only want a piece of your liver, not a kidney, for your drivers license. It grows back so we can take more next time.
Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! I love you. I love you more than anything. I needed this laugh.
Fuck Buddy sounds RAD. We should bring that back into vogue.
So… From this I assume we can no longer be friends. I will have to delete you from my read list and I can no longer be one of your pranksters… Why? You hate me.
I use the word Hubby. Mainly because fuck buddy started to confused people.
I work at the DMV. Now I will try and help you as best I can. I will take the time to explain things slowly and even write them down for you. All while wanting to bang my head against my desk. And i promise to make sure you leave before asking my co-worker if I was speaking English.
I will only get snarky if you start yelling at me first. “It’s not my fault you got a dwi and now have to pay $700” and “no I will not write you a letter saying you were here but didnt have any money to buy your tabs so you don’t get a ticket” “I’m sorry your tabs cost $500, next time don’t buy a $60,000 car” “Sir, telling me that your going to shoot your DR. for taking away your drivers license because you have been around longer than cars and couldn’t even walk up to the fucking counter, might be a bad idea… Just a thought.”
I do not have mullet though. If I ever get one, please shave my head.
I have both mayo and thousand island dressing in my fridge.
I love all vampire shows. Unapologetically.
Oh, and we only want a piece of your liver, not a kidney, for your drivers license. It grows back so we can take more next time.
[…] even on days like today, when my funny has been banished to the ALOT Island, when I’m frazzled and running around like a zombie chicken, I know that we’re making a […]
[…] “sustainable,” and/or “nosh” in the same paragraph will be banned to the ALOT Island along with anyone who substitutes ellipses for […]
[…] would most commonly be “funny.” Take one look at Easter According to Aunt Becky and When I Become Master of the Universe and you’ll see […]