Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Through A Lens, Fuzzily


One of the first things I did after buying my house in Saint Charles was to marvel that two people could – simultaneously – poo at the same time. Going from the condo in Oak (no) Park (ing) which had one wee bathroom to a house with three bathrooms was like the ultimate in luxury…until I realized that the first floor bathroom looked like it had been decorated by Granny, On Meth.

Now That's Fucked UP

This was pre-moving in. I don’t do angels. Ever.

But the three-patterned wallpaper remained until, in stunning fit of bad judgment, I decided I wanted to remodel the bathroom “for my birthday.” Which meant that I spent the next four months scraping tiny bits of the wallpaper off the drywall with a putty knife in the moments I wasn’t holding my incredibly fussy baby boy. It’s no wonder I hate my birthday.


Before the wallpaper was removed, I couldn’t stand to be in the bathroom for any longer than necessary, because, well, it looked like Little House On The Prairie barfed all over it. This was especially bad news for my eyebrows, who require constant upkeep lest they turn into unruly, beastly caterpillars perched nattily atop my face. Eventually, all the wholesomeness of the bathroom got to me and I broke down and bought one of those makeup mirrors that magnifies your pores like 8000000 times.

I opened the box, pulled out the mirror and about passed out. What the hell? When did my pores become the size of Texas? And when did I get to be so BLOTCHY? Look at those ROGUE hairs! It was disgusting. I was just GROSS looking. How had I not noticed how nasty I’d become?

I was about to rechristen myself “Sasquatch,” when I realized that I might be able to find photographic evidence of when I had become so haggard. I needed to know when this change had occurred, for my own peace of mind.

First I found this, from my old camera, which, I’d seen immediately, looked as though it had been dipped in Vasoline before the shot had been taken.

Old Digital Camera

I was also horrified to see that the green walls – the same shade of green that I hate like mayo, in fact – followed me everywhere I went. Even to the Caribbean, where, in this picture, I am on the phone with Delta, arguing over my lost luggage, I am stuck in front of a green wall.


In fact, in EVERY picture I could find, I appear to be out of focus, underwater or in a Soap Opera.

Or rocking my sweet, sweet corn rows:

(let’s make out)

Also: could that dress, which I had to buy in the gift shop because Delta lost my bags, have made my boobs look any saggier?

So my photo expedition didn’t help much. I couldn’t figure out when I’d become Sasquatch so I had to assume that I’d always BEEN Sasquatch.

I did the only thing I could think to do: I bought a DSLR and got pregnant.

rabbit humping cat

Then, I forgot about my Sasquatch-ness (rib-spreading seemed much more pressing an issue) until recently when I realized that I was rocking some pretty dark circles under my eyes. It was time to address my Sasquatch-ness with a facial.

Lady Giving Me A Facial: “OH MY GOD.”

Me: “….”

Lady Giving Me A Facial: *offendedly speaking in Russian*

Me: “…”

Lady Giving Me A Facial (picking at my face)(rolling eyes): *sighs deeply*

So, apparently, I am in such dire shape that even the Facial Lady was both offended and saddened by the state of my face. NOT ENCOURAGING, PRANKSTERS.

Immediately, I went home, my face all swollen, blotchy and sore, and asked The Twitter about eye cream.

The Twitter + The Pranksters = Smarter Than Anything Else. How did people make decisions before The Internet?

Then, I ordered a whole bunch of stuff. I need to combat the Sasquatchness in a MAJOR way.

Problem is, it’s fucking annoying. Who the hell enjoys putting 87 different kinds of cream on their face three times a day?

Hm. I wonder if I can just install mood lighting wherever I go.


Here’s where I turn the tables, Pranksters. What do you use to combat Sasquatchness? Do you enjoy slathering your face with creams? Is this something I’ll get used to? Can I install mood lighting at your house and come over?

85 Comments to

“Through A Lens, Fuzzily”

  1. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:18 am Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    OMG the people who decorated my bedroom all Little House on The Prairie Style decorated your Bathroom. I am just to lazy to fix my bedroom. I’m moving I HATE wallpaper I figure it’s just easier to move.

    And I vote for mood lighting. Go for the All My Children mood lighting, I don’t know why I don’t watch the show but every time I flip past the channel it confuses me so I think if people are confused they will NEVER notice anything else going on.

    BUT you are NOT Sasquatch you are BEAUTIFUL!!

  2. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Who the FUCK likes wallpaper? It should be fucking OUTLAWED. I am OUTRAGED by wallpaper. FUCK WALLPAPER.

  3. On February 23rd, 2011 at 1:50 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    AMEN to that. After the last Wallpaper debacle I had to endure seriously the people put it up with Super Glue. I will NEVER do it again. And we moved into this house and the whole fucking thing is wallpaper who the fuck likes this much wallpaper???? I want to find them and murder them! FUCK WALLPAPER AND the people who put it up ON PURPOSE!!!

  4. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:21 am Amy Says:

    Hey I just used cream to burn the gross hairs off my face, and you know, I washed that crap off and it still freaking burns. And I put the “soothing” cream on and that made it worse. I’m sitting here wondering why the hell I worry about it. I really kind of like myself and I even mostly like my face, so why am I burning it off? OH YEAH, because face hair is GROSS. Sheesh. – Also I’m a freak about washing off my makeup at night (i don’t wear that much makeup to begin with) and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. Beginning to wonder if the moisturizer is a face hair growing fertilizer. You know some dumbass man planned that shit.

  5. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


    I did that last week. You know what happened? I BURNED MY NOSE.

    Yeah. MY NOSE. I wasn’t even trying to remove HAIR from my nose. I just managed to put some NEAR my nose and WHOOPS!

    So I looked like I had meth face for the auto show. Pretty much, let’s make out.

  6. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:24 am Alex@LateEnough Says:

    First of all my eyebrows are just one united caterpillar trying to make it’s way to it’s friends in my HAIRLINE. But I digress…

    I tried a super-regimen. And failed. So I’m tried to make blotchiness and dark circles trendy. You in?

  7. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My eyebrows, when unattended, aren’t quite a Burt (of Burt and Ernie) but close.

    Let’s SO make blotchiness and dark circles trendy! I bet we can even make a Twibbon for it.

  8. On February 23rd, 2011 at 2:52 pm Kelly Says:

    Oh for sure! I will do whatever I can to help move this forward 🙂

  9. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:29 am DallasDiva Says:

    First, for the record, you do NOT look like Sasquatch, well except for that last picture which I’m pretty sure you used the computer to create. (If that is not the case, ignore the rest of this and remember God loves you no matter what.)

    Second, I have not EVER, not ONCE gone to get a facial without being told I have rosacea (which in another side note I just completely jacked the spelling up and my friend Google still figured out what I meant.) They also tell me every single time how dry my face is. Don’t care if I just slathered vitamin E on my face, they cluck, mutter and comment.

    Third, I can’t even go into the trauma I have endured courtesy of Godawful bathrooms and wallpaper. Not always together, I might add. Even separately they can cause nightmares.

    Fourth, I HATE having to check luggage. I swear the more you want to arrive with your shit the less chance you have of it happening.

    Fifth, you rocked the towel, and I didn’t notice the girls hanging until you said something. So delete that part and no one will ever notice.

    Sixth, yeah, I got nothing, I’m just on a roll and I told myself I would comment and then go back to work. Sigh.

  10. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


    I’m framing this comment. I love you so hard that it hurts.

  11. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:29 am Suzie Says:

    Skin regime? Baby Shampoo. Yep – you read it right. Baby shampoo for washing my face. I also you Oil of Olay lotion or Aveeno lotion. That’s. IT.

  12. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    REALLY? Is baby shampoo good for your face? If so, I’M ALL OVER IT. I have GALLONS of that shit left over.

  13. On February 23rd, 2011 at 1:26 pm Suzie Says:

    I had a dermatologist and an eye doctor recommend it. It works like a CHARM for removing eye makeup.

  14. On February 23rd, 2011 at 4:16 pm The Resident Bitch Says:

    DUDE so not even kidding here … Baby Shampoo is the tits. I do theater and I have a shit TON of skin problems because stage makeup isn’t like regular makeup … it’s for mood lighting. So you wear (no joke) about 90 pounds of that shit.

    I used to break out and have dry skin and people were avoiding me in hallways with good lighting … until my theater professor informed me that the makeup would come off in like two seconds if Iused baby shampoo. Nothing has ever been better to my skin. Ever. Also, it means I don’t have bright colors stained on my face anymore. AND I don’t look all weepy and strung out because it’s no more tears! You would think at my age this wouldn’t be an issue but I’m dumb.

  15. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:30 am onecookieshort Says:

    That bathroom looks like my in-laws house. It’s scary. I too must use lots of creams and pluck or else all the eligible Sasquatch bachelors come calling. No, I haven’t gotten used to. I get my eyebrows waxed once a month, avoid magnifying mirrors, and use a night cream, day cream, and eye cream. However, I am trying something new at night for my eyes, that supposedly, Hollywood starlets swear by – olive oil. Apply it around your eyes at night and it’s supposed to reduce dark circles. I’ve only been doing it for a week, but I think it’s helping. Also, straight lemon juice is supposed to be great as a toner and reduce pore size, fade sunspots, and reduce redness… I can’t tell if I’m supposed to be taking care of my face or making salad dressing.

  16. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Olive oil? Hm. Good call. I like that. Also: I love salad dressing. EXCEPT THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING WHICH IS BULLSHIT.

  17. On February 23rd, 2011 at 7:56 pm Heather Says:

    Becky, olive oil has the same chemical properties as the oil your skin makes, so it is the healthiest and best thing that can use for skin softening, hair conditioner, wrinkle prevention. Basically if your skin needs it olive oil is the answer.

  18. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:31 am Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    I totally understand unruly eyebrows. Although, I have an unfortunately placed scar, so if I pluck, it always looks like I have THREE eyebrows. So I gave up, and just make sure I don’t look like Bert.

    As for skin creams, I’ve got a LOVELY case of adult acne, so my “routine” is merely to use white vinegar as an astringent a million times a day, and on days I need make up, I use a foundation that’s supposed to clear this shit up. Which it doesn’t. So I still look like a 13 year old. No matter what I try.

  19. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:13 pm TrillianM Says:

    I have nothing to say except I feel your pain.

  20. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude, vinegar works for acne? GOOD CALL.

  21. On February 23rd, 2011 at 2:11 pm gaylin Says:

    Try organic apple cider vinegar – much easier on your skin. I use Spectum brand, also works on hives.

  22. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:33 am Tweets that mention Through A Lens, Fuzzily - Mommy Wants Vodka | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky and JennaFarelyn, Truthful Mommy. Truthful Mommy said: RT @mommywantsvodka: Who're you calling Sasquatch, Sasquatch? […]

  23. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:34 am Mermama3 Says:

    I’ve decided it’s all the fault of cameras and mirrors. Let’s face it, even the celebrities get doctored up by computer programs for photo shoots. Clearly no one actually looks the way professional photos do, hence I refuse to accept that I look right in undoctored, unprofessional media of any kind. And mirrors are too subjective because of lighting, background colors, etc. (Plus lots of creepy boogeymen hide in mirrors in movies and tv shows, so I suspect they are inherently evil.) So I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be properly documented for posterity, but in real life I am a hot piece of ass. So are you! 🙂

  24. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You are so hot. And this? PERFECT.

    Candyman ruined mirrors for me.

  25. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:37 am Summer Says:

    Omg, my sasquatchness has reached an all time high lately. Most of my personal grooming habits have gone out the window since having my child. Pretty soon I’ll be able to braid my face hair. The bright side? My boyfriend has pretty much given up even trying to have sex with me because he does not find my chin braid at all hot. My Sasquatch is closed for business!

  26. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:50 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


    I love you.

  27. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:48 am Chris in PHX Says:

    I dont have a single bulb over 40 watts in my house, come on over, and feel free to hump a lamp…cuz thats how we roll in the PHX yo’

  28. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m all over this shit.

  29. On February 23rd, 2011 at 11:51 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    I combat sasquatchness by not looking at my pores too closely. Though since they’re huge it’s hard to miss them when I look at myself in mirrors.

  30. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You could fall into my pores right now. It’s BULLSHIT.

  31. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:01 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Shortly after I turned 40 I grew a chin hair. I noticed a second about a year ago. I’m almost 44. If I live long enough & fail to pluck I will have a decent goatee for my funeral.

    I use some generic “You are Over 40 & Your Skin NEEDS Help Desperately” face cream. I also have a small jar of generic “Holy CRAP! Look at Those Crow’s Feet!” eye cream.

    Both with SPF15

  32. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahahaha! I think you should totally dye your goatee.

  33. On February 23rd, 2011 at 5:43 pm Mermama3 Says:

    True story – after giving birth to all 3 of my kids, within 24 hours I sprouted an inch+ long hair just under my chin. Wasn’t there before, didn’t come back until after kid number 3… now I have a freaky, twitchy habit of rubbing the place under my chin where it appears because it’s too blond for me to see it in the (evil) mirror. When my husband catches me doing it he teases me by snickering, “Looking for the rogue hair?” Then I punch him. Jerk.

  34. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:09 pm Lynette Says:

    I just don’t give a shit. When the choices are “makeup and crap” or “10 more minutes of sleep”, I will pick sleep EVERY TIME. Anyone who has a problem with that can BLOOOOOOOOOOOW MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 🙂

  35. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s about how I feel. How do people ENJOY this crap? I HATE going to the salon/spa/torture chamber.

  36. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:55 pm Lynette Says:

    No doubt; the only spa I go to has hot tubs and does facials and massages and whatnot, but mostly, hot tubs and NO KIDS (and no, it’s not a kinky place, it’s HAWESOME). I totally get going to something like that for a little personal alone/pampering/me time, but ugh, I can’t imagine wanting to have to *schedule* that kind of thing regularly?

  37. On February 23rd, 2011 at 5:24 pm Sunday Says:

    Sleep wins every time! But lately I’ve been breaking out on my chin and have these huge, glowing red spots (6 AT ONE TIME!!!?!) that I tried to cover up with makeup. Still looks horrible! :-/

  38. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:12 pm JoJo Says:

    I flat out refuse to go overboard combat gravity/age/sasquatchness. Who has that kind of time? Basic anti-aging eyecream in the morning and night. Moisturize after cleansing. Wax my brow(s) every couple weeks. If it requires more attention than that…it’s just gonna have to wait yo.

  39. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Hahaha. I figure that facelifts are probably okay…right?

  40. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:20 pm Kori Says:

    But at least the brows, they are natty. As opposed to slatternly. Which mine are. I dont wear makeup unless I plan on getting lucky, so you know how often I wear THAT. My “regimen” is Dove face soap and Olay moisturizer with SPF. And Burts Bees shiny stuff for the lips, when I remember where it is. Clearly I don’t have bright lights OR one of those horrid mirrors. I do, however, have angels in my bathroom.

  41. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My brows are SO natty.

  42. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:35 pm Tershbango Says:

    “Little House on the Prairie barfed all over the walls…”

    Best. Line. EVER.

  43. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:47 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude, I wish I had a better picture of how fucking hideous that bathroom was. It was so fucking bad.

  44. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:44 pm Maria Says:

    Mostly, I just try to avoid looking in the mirror.

  45. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:47 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Mirrors are bullshit.

  46. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:45 pm SarahT Says:

    I’m supposed to put shit on my face?

    I, uh, wash my face everyday. And then I put moisturizer on it–Lubriderm with spf, because not only am I a redhead, but my skin is so dry it flakes off if I forget for a day.

    Olive oil, somebody says? I own that already, and my dark circles are competing with the dry flaky patches for control of my face, so I may make that effort.

    I also firmly embrace the “tousled” hair style….I am SO good at looking like I just rolled out of bed.

  47. On February 23rd, 2011 at 12:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I like to think that the just-rolled-out-of-bed look makes you look sexy, because, uh, YEAH (me too).

  48. On February 28th, 2011 at 5:13 pm Allanah Says:

    Olive oil rocks my life. I recently began an all-natural personal care kick and olive oil is amazing for just about everything. I live in a high, dry, and fucking COLD mountain range, and my skin flakes everywhere…even under the boobs. You can imagine how sexy that is. “Oh look honey…you scratched and now it’s snowing INside!” <–what my bf must be thinking.

    Olive oil makes my hands feel like butter and gives my face the mediterrarian glow…'cause Lord knows it hasn't seen the sun in months.

    If you want other ideas, I suggest picking up the book "There's Lead in your Lipstick" by Gillian Deacon. I'm not sure if it's readily available in the States, but it's in every major bookstore in Canada.


  49. On February 23rd, 2011 at 1:16 pm Samantha Says:

    this is a new discovery for me as well … somehow after 25 my eyes have decided to carry around giant suitcases and carry ons all at once. I’ve tried creams, gels, vibrating balls that roll on your face, and nothing thus far has seemed to work … then again I’m not much for upkeep because I’m too lazy. I’m good if I put on a moisturizer in the morning and a toner at night.

  50. On February 23rd, 2011 at 1:22 pm Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    I love to slather my face and hands in that Garnier Anti-Wrinkle Pro lift or something other cream. I still maintain that I do not look 40 or even 42 (actual age). Then again, I tend to be delusional.

    Our house looked like Pepto Bismol threw up all over it. It was PINK. I remedied that situation as soon as I could and now, there is no evidence of pink, peach, or muted mint green. We’ve even taken the carpets out and replaced. It was very scary.

  51. On February 23rd, 2011 at 1:30 pm Ami Says:

    Slathering with creams used to annoy the hell out of me until I moved to Phoenix and my face decided to protest the dryness of my new environment by trying to flake off. Now the cream slathering is a LOVELY experience that makes my face go “Ahhhhhh” like a tall cold glass of water when you have the worst cotton mouth of your life.

    Now I finally get why my Mom was always so dedicated to her cream slathering.

    And if you just go w/ a couple really good products (big fans of clinique in my house) then you don’t have to use as much or as many so its less annoying. Also when I compare my Moms face w/ those of other women/relatives her age I’m always in awe of how amazingly good that woman looks. I wanna age like that. So I’m all for a few, worth having creams. But I only do them morning and night. Not sure I can handle 3x a day. 🙂

  52. On February 23rd, 2011 at 1:38 pm Carrot Top Says:

    OK, I feel your pain. At 43, crow’s feet, the 11s between the eyebrows, AND I break out every month right before my period. So I’m in line at the the drug store: Moisturizer – check; sunscreen (yeah, the redhead thing) – check; wrinkle-be-gone – check; and zit-be-gone – check.
    We aren’t even going to talk about the effects of gravity and breastfeeding, and wondering if my boobs might someday get lost in my naval overnight.

  53. On February 23rd, 2011 at 2:15 pm Coleen Says:

    My darling husband changed the light bulb in the bathroom this morning. Instead of using a “daylight” one, he put in a YELLOW lightbulb. Thanks, sweetheart; now I look like I’m going to puke at all times. AWESOME.

    I use the Target generic Aveeno with SPF and that’s about it. I have a goatee from 2 pregnancies (got worse with the second one). I love how pregnancy hormones gave me luxurious, fast growing hair ON MY CHIN. w00t

  54. On February 23rd, 2011 at 2:35 pm Margaret (@goodbadfamily) Says:

    Each day I get out of the shower and the layering begins. Under eye cream, apply serum to face, then 1st face cream, then hydrating cream, then yellow concealer under the eys, then green concealer on red spots, then concealer, then foundation, then powder, then blush (WHY do I add blush after 14 layers of crap to get rid of the color?!)then make up. It’s redonk. I got tired of paying for facials and just sent my best friend to school to be an facialist (couldn’t spell the real word). I hope that bitch is paying attention cuz there’s work to do here.

  55. On February 23rd, 2011 at 3:04 pm Amelia Says:

    Over the past 6 months my skin has gone straight to shit. Not only do I have way too much facial hair that seriously creeps me out, I also have wrinkles and MORE ZITS THEN HIGH SCHOOL!! WTF?!!! Yeah, I’ve tried 700 things and I’m shopping for a burka now, there’s just no hope.

  56. On February 23rd, 2011 at 3:22 pm ColinP Says:

    I think your Russian speaking lady giving a facial was offended because you were having the caterpillars trimmed down.

  57. On February 23rd, 2011 at 3:47 pm Sarah S Says:

    Never, EVER use a magnifying mirror. It only leads to tears and heartbreaks and worries about facial hair.

  58. On February 23rd, 2011 at 4:21 pm The Resident Bitch Says:

    I think my new plan is to grow a handlebar mustache and tell people I think I look regal. Then I can dress like an early wartime general and talk in an obnoxious accent that tells people I think I’m sophisticated.

  59. On February 23rd, 2011 at 5:00 pm monica Says:

    i’m combating a stache, beard, and mono-brow and recently noticed laugh lines and crows feet. plucking and wax just can’t keep up. AND the pores on my nose are HUGE. i avoid sunlight and prefer to slink in the shadows, where my kind feel safe. it’s nice [sniffle] not to feel alone…

    i’d say what i use, but i don’t think it’s working.

    and, i’d kill [or give up my first born son – takers? he’s 2] for a rack like yours!

  60. On February 23rd, 2011 at 6:00 pm steph gas Says:

    i’m 30. about to be 31. but we won’t talk about that.

    ANYWAY. i also have adult acne which SUCKS. i use proactiv because it works MOST of the time. i only use bare minerals face makeup and i’m a whore for it. i fucking LOVE IT. i have recently been introducted to mac eye pigment and also heart that. almay ultra calming moisturizer with spf 15. AND i’ve just started a regimen of clinique anti-gravity eye cream which seems to be helping with the dark circles… they’re more like twilight circles.

    and you can take that to mean either my under eye circles are less dark than they used to be, how twilight time at night is like less dark than night. OR that my under eye circles now make me look like a sexy teen vampire.

  61. On February 23rd, 2011 at 6:02 pm April K. Says:

    If it makes you feel ANY better, my friend bought a house that had a two story entryway with pink, blue, and gold FLOCKED wallpaper. Who the hell flocks anything, much less their walls??? That shit was a bitch to get off, too. 🙂

    P.S. Due to the fact that I HATE changing light bulbs and, therefore, at any given time can easily have 1 out of every 3 lights burnt out, we have ‘mood lighting by default’ in our house. I guess whatever works, right?

  62. On February 23rd, 2011 at 6:28 pm Claire Gregory Says:

    Becky, I’ve just been forced to concede that Sasquatchness is creeping up on me, and those under-eye bags are the worst worst worst. Toddler waking up through the night doesn’t help.

    My mother put me onto this roll-on caffeine under-eye stuff by Garnier- and it’s AMAZING. I don’t “do” makeup, face creams, anything, but this stuff has worked so well- my eye bags are just about gone. Being a scientific type, I applied it only under one eye for the first weekend I was using it, just to make sure it was really working, then asked husband which eye he thought looked better. He picked it straight up. So, go! Look! It’s a little green roll-on stick called Garnier Nutritionist Caffeine Eye Roll-On, and it’s MAGIC.

    Other than that, my mother-in-law helpfully bought me a whole suite of face scrubs and creams from a fancy makeup corporation for my birthday last year (subtle message, anyone?). I tried ’em out to see if they made a difference, and they *kinda* did, but they also made me breakout in all kinds of ways. So, for now Imma stick with my eye thing and my new haircut.

  63. On February 23rd, 2011 at 6:34 pm Melissa Says:

    I just discovered threading for the facial hair thing. I have dark circles and puffiness, but so does my mother, my aunts, my grandmother so I think that its a losing battle. Genetics. Nothing has EVER worked.

  64. On February 23rd, 2011 at 7:10 pm tangeria Says:

    i just draw my eyebrows on, with a color that is hopefully dark enough to distract from all the stray hairs that are meandering all over the rest of my face. my husband says i must be russian, because of my “peasant farming hands” (?), but i think it must be my beginner’s babushka mustache. AWESOME.

  65. On February 23rd, 2011 at 7:12 pm Qcmama Says:

    “I think I can see your scalp”-Chandler I <3 FRIENDS. I can almost always resort to a friends quote for all things in life. 🙂 anyway. That wallpaper is crap. I used to have a closet that was papered in mossy bricks. yep moldy looking crap in the closet! who the hell locks themselves in a closet long enough to wallpaper it anyway? ugh.
    As for my face. I should do more than I do. My rosacea is showing and I do not like it one bit. Nothing seems to help though. So pranksters I am listening very carefully..

  66. On February 23rd, 2011 at 7:27 pm a Says:

    The last picture I took is hideous. My skin is so discolored that I appear to be a nice, shiny terra cotta orange color. I think I need a long series of cosmetic procedures…

    I look back on my old pictures and marvel at how pretty my skin was before I messed with my hormones (via birth control or pregnancy). Sure, my bras were awful, but my skin was pretty. Sigh.

  67. On February 23rd, 2011 at 8:52 pm Brooke Says:

    OMG…you have not seen terrible bathroom decor until you have witnessed my husband’s Grandmother’s bathroom….that Angel wallpaper is magnificent compared to the BLACK felt like wallpaper with weird gold designs. BLACK. I’m not even kidding.

    As for creams…I cannot comment on that either as I am still trying to avoid it. And I detest lotion…even though right now as I type my legs are dry and itchy…I would rather suffer instead of put lotion on. Gross.

  68. On February 23rd, 2011 at 10:31 pm Julia @ Boredom Abounds Says:

    The worst thing for me (besides my giant pores and errant facial hairs) is looking at photos of myself in my early twenties and realising how fat my face is now. Like, it’s just filled out in the past five or six years and is all chubby and doubly chin-ish and just awful.

  69. On February 24th, 2011 at 3:06 am Maria Says:

    So, there I was, four years old, showing off to Nana and Papa: Look, I can jump off the chair! (Kitchen chair, ancient linoleum floor in their 1861 house.) Three times successful, fourth time: trip and fall on chin.
    Chin split open, sporting a little bleeding bib of skin. Nana applies cotton wool to absorb the blood. (Lesson: Do NOT use cotton wool. Fibers stick to wounds like cat hair on a fancy sofa. Grab a towel.) ER put in four stitches, and it heals.
    35 years pass. The scar is still there, and now grows a pretty row of coarse black hairs. Which is compensated by whispy black hairs on my upper lip. Which you won’t see, as you are busy holding back a YIKES at my dark undereye circles. I have photo evidence of black circles from preschool, so nothing new there. The horizontal line of fur between my temples, across the forehead, is daily kept in check with tweezers, and now you can actually see the red creases above the nose.

    If I remembered, I’d use the olive oil more, to keep the scaling in check, but no.

  70. On February 24th, 2011 at 5:42 am JennJenn Says:

    Ha! I found the Grizzlies arrived outta nowhere too – deciding I needed IMMEDIATE treatment I started looking at products – HELL NO!!! I became an Avon Sales Rep so I could pay cost price for my products! Have you seen the prices out there?????
    Anyway, for eyes – Avon Anew Clinical Eye Lift – solves all baggy eyelids, dark rings under the eyes and almost illiminate wrinkles around the eyes. Astounding stuff. And it has two creams in one jar, so less crap on your table.

  71. On February 24th, 2011 at 6:07 am Jolie Says:

    1. wallpaper is bullshit. LOVE the “little house threw up” line. Pure genius.
    b. your “where’s my luggage” photo is gorgeous. And the girls didn’t look low until you pointed it out in the giftshop dress.
    III. I believe that lightbulbs should be replaced by the dozen, so I wait until at least a handful go out throughout the house before replacing. Instant mood lighting that hides my “flaws” and the dust. double bonus!
    Fourth, I have NO magnifying mirrors in my house. I refuse. Anybody looking THAT close at my face deserves what they get and I don’t deserve that kind of torture.

  72. On February 24th, 2011 at 6:32 am Neeroc Says:

    That bathroom would give me a seizure.

    As for the circles? Go full Spackle. I love ConcealFX, it’s the only thing I’ve found that’ll tame those puppies. Now I just need to figure out what to do with the bags and wrinkles. How the fuck do you end up with both bags and wrinkles? You’d think the puffiness of one would negate the crinkliness of the other.

  73. On February 24th, 2011 at 6:35 am Neeroc Says:

    Oh, and you can totally come over, I’m forty so the mood lighting’s been installed for a while now. Crap – forty-one. *sigh*

  74. On February 24th, 2011 at 6:51 am jess Says:

    Maybe it’s just me, but I think the green tinge enhances your awesome skin tone. Clearly, you don’t think so, so it’s probably just me. But you look great, anyway. (:

  75. On February 24th, 2011 at 8:33 am MamaRobinJ Says:

    First, I don’t really have the dry face/cream problem. Hey look, one thing I don’t have to complain about!

    Second, I second (ha) the threading thing. Magic! Crazy painful but it’s really fast (and cheap, bonus!). I don’t go often enough so when I do I have to endure the comments about whether I’ve been plucking in the meantime (yes, I have. Sue me). But if I don’t->Sasquatch.

  76. On February 24th, 2011 at 9:43 am Kristy Says:

    Magnifying mirrors should be banned! Ack! I’d rather be dumb about what is going on with my face.

  77. On February 24th, 2011 at 10:49 am JLK Says:

    OMG. Best. Eye Stuff. Ever.

    For dark circles – DHC’s Eye Off-Shade. You whisp it on with the little applicator and it basically injects caffeine into the skin under your eyes. I tested its effectiveness when I first got it by putting under one eye and not the other and then asking a bunch of friends and my husband if one eye looked different. Everyone said “yes, your left eye is way less puffy and the dark circle is pretty much gone.”

    So now it’s my go-to product. Bonus about DHC – they send you free samples with every catalog and every time you place an order you get to pick 4 samples of whatever you want for free.

    Also, they make a cleanser called Deep Cleansing Oil that is basically olive oil for your face. It gets rid of makeup and doesn’t dry your skin out. Plus, it feels freakin cool to slather your face in oil, rinse it off, and have it not be greasy. That’s what drew my attention to them in the first place.

  78. On February 24th, 2011 at 11:13 am katrina Says:

    My mother died at 83 and her face was almost completely wrinkle free! Her secret was….she never used soap (on her face), she used baby shampoo.

    Also, don’t you think losing your eyesight as you age, is nature’s way of saying…”you don’t need to see that shit on your face…or on your partner’s”…??
    That way we can continue to live in the illusion that we are beautiful. Glasses are bullshit!

  79. On February 24th, 2011 at 11:54 am Daniel White Says:

    Nice bathroom you got there. Is that the hand towel right above the toilet?

  80. On February 24th, 2011 at 9:59 pm Kyddryn Says:

    I don’t do anything…in part because I can’t be bothered and in part because who cares?

    I hear cucumber slices work wonderfully for eye bags, for what it’s worth.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  81. On February 25th, 2011 at 9:42 am Christa Says:

    I have like 0 patience for face creams and magic potions. I use 2 product to get it done and get it done fast. Proactiv because my face is tempermental. And Clinique Moisture Surge because it makes my skin feel like heaven. Plus it wears extremely well under make up.

    Don’t be frightened by the name Clinique. Yes, you spend $45 on one jar of Moisture Surge, but it lasts you 4 months.

  82. On February 25th, 2011 at 3:47 pm Misguided Mommy Says:

    Wait wait WAIT WAIT. We don’t get to see a picture of what the bathroom looks like now?

  83. On February 25th, 2011 at 4:28 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Good call! I should really put up a snap of that, huh?

  84. On February 25th, 2011 at 10:40 pm karen Says:

    You know that Russian woman was swearing because you had NO BLACKHEADS and NO PIMPLES she could lance, right?! Cuz that’s why they go into that line of business. They’re pickers!

  85. On February 25th, 2011 at 10:43 pm karen Says:

    Oh, and !!! Why is it that when one of my kids poop, at least one (if not both) of the others produces too? Glad I put in that second bathroom!

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