The End Is (Probably) Nigh!
So I read somewhere on the Internet (and we ALL know that the Internet doesn’t lie) that the end of the world is coming, which reminds me of the OTHER time the world was supposed to end and WHOOPS! everyone woke up the next day all, wait, I thought I was supposed to be all raptured and shit. AND MOTHERFUCKER, I HAVEN’T PAID MY BILLS BECAUSE I THOUGHT I’D BE DRIVING A BUS WITH JESUS TODAY.
Since I’m not subscribed to Hysterical Hysteria Quarterly, I decided that it was time for me to do a little digging about this whole “world ending” stuff. I mean, why scoop cat poo if I’m going to be raptured or eaten by a gigantic alien or something? I started at the most logical place I could think on: the weather. I mean, if they can predict that next Sunday will be warm with a chance of dry air, they should be able to see that THERE IS NO WEATHER AFTER WE ALL DIE BY MASSIVE MAYAN ZOMBIE ATTACK.
Huh.
Okay, so I can expect it to be partly cloudy with a chance of nosebleeds. At least someone is FINALLY thinking about the fish. Well, that was yesterday’s weather. What’s coming up? THAT’S THE QUESTION.
They have NO idea how many cereals I am aware of.
And frankly, I want to be the one who names storms. Draco? C’mon, we can do better than that. How ’bout, “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES winter storm?” Far more hysterical sounding. I appreciate that.
Okay, let’s get on with the ten day forecast. I bet that’ll tell me whether or not I should pay my cell phone bill.
Okay, that’s just disappointing. I need to fix this.
Wow, that’s so much better. I think the monsters really add something to this weather chart.
Now I’m feeling scared!
But really, I didn’t get the info I was looking for. It was time to turn to alternate sources. Like the gossip blogs.
Okay, now I not only feel out of touch, but any of that awesome fear-mongering is totally gone. Shits. Time to turn to The Twitter – certainly THEY know something I don’t about this end of days and shit.
Um.
James Franco? Is he part of this “end of days” shit? I think not. Then again, I can’t recall a single movie he was in, so there’s that.
The Twitter, you failed me. That’s shameful, considering you’re my only source of news out there.
Shit, even my archenemy Pinterest, where I go when I want to feel bad about myself, has nothing beyond some adorable ways to turn random household shit into a particle ring.
Well, the Internet has been absolutely no help in my search for the answer to this burning question: will I need to buy more cat food?
The End Is (Probably) Nigh! http://t.co/EAVLeerE It took a shamefully long amount of time to make those pictures.
Do Maya zombies eat cats? If not, buy cat food.
I’d suggest paying yer bills AND buying the cat food. Oh yeah, and scoop da poop. Cuz if Jesus comes, you’ll wanna be all “hey, i kept up my chores, let’s GO!”
The End Is (Probably) Nigh! http://t.co/lAFfSuRs via @@mommywantsvodka
i’m gonna buy cat food b/c that mother jumping pussy of a cat of mine will most likely eat my face off if there isn’t any kibble and the mayan aliens get all stabby and shit. also, i’d like to make sure there’s snackies (besides the cat) when i survive the apocalypse.
Oh and make sure you have clean underwear on!
Great… Juuust great…
A couple of Mayans can’t count past 26000 and we all have to die because of it.
There goes MY week, Shot to hell…
With the lows at 10, 11, and 13 degrees, I think you’re gonna freeze to death. How do you cope when it’s so cold? When our lows hit the 50’s we’re all “I’m fucking freezing. Turn on the heat.” You don’t have to worry about any Mayans – you’ve got seriously cold ass weather.
P.S. I really like your calendar upgrades. Very classy. 🙂
RT @mommywantsvodka: I write shit sometimes. The End Is (Probably) Nigh! http://t.co/EAVLeerE
this is the Mayan weather forecast you are looking for.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151115272786362&set=a.10150201214141362.303133.528526361&type=1&relevant_count=1
don’t buy cat food unless you plan on eating it yourself. unfortunately, we are here for a long fucking time!
I want those cute little 3 eyed chomping monsters to be part of my e-mail signature at work!
You know I got all excited the last time the world was going to end. I was all ready to loot and riot! I was gonna steal me a car, and drive it like I stole it. I had all my looting and rioting gear ready and NOTHING!! And I had to pay all my stupid bills. Well I am not paying a single bill until I get to loot and riot.
All I can say is that we stocked up on cat food, cat litter, and toilet paper at Target over the weekend. We are ready. For something.
I made myself a foil hat with a tag that says FUCK ZOMBIES. Then my husband said his research shows zombies can read. Damn. Everybody has to be better than Earthlings. First China…
Thanks for being anal enough to create these pictures for our entertainment (as I eat more popcorn and worry about James Franco’s trending. The fuck, internet?).
This is so hilarious! I can usually stifle my laughing at work but I could not this time. The cereal thing is awesome! LOL!
On the Mayan end of the world?? Even tho it’s past…I had a friend, and I literally mean ‘had’ cuz she’s a scuz-bucket, she was actually worried or depressed, like she wasn’t depressed every damn day, she told me about the Mayan Calendar Predicting The END OF THE WORLD and I just thought, “What an IDIOT” but I still thought she was my friend at the time, and so I said out loud, “No, the calendar dude who had the fucking worst job in the Mayan world, died…that just happened to be the date.”
The RUN FOR YOUR LIFE winter storm came to my muthatruckin’ house today. Really, it did.