Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Phase One: Bringing Aunt Becky Back


Apparently I am the last person on the planet to realize that 2010 = the next DECADE. Okay, so I never claimed to be a particularly bright person, but this takes the cake for even me. Especially since I turn 30 in July and I was born in 1980 and…yeah, I should have seen the BIGGER PICTURE, but apparently I was too deeply ensconced in my nervous breakdown to see out of my butthole.

I’m not much of a New Year’s person, so I suppose it’s not entirely shocking that I wasn’t all HOLY FUCK, PEOPLE!


New Decade, New Aunt Becky abounds which makes me think that I should get some Moon Boots and a flying car. Because obviously.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to dragging myself back out from under the piles tiny fucking Playmobil pieces and I’ve been making steps in that direction. When I do something, I tend to go balls to the wall, which is why an itemized list of resolutions isn’t really necessary. Plus, even as neurotic as I am, I hate making lists almost as much as I hate cream based condiments *shudders* but I’m making myself accountable.

To you. The Internet.

Ima check in now and again just to let you know how I’m doing in my progress to reclaim myself. You can let ME know what YOU’RE doing or how you think I can do better, or shit, you can just fucking tell me how awesome you are in the comments.

(Because you guys are full of the awesome. You were so nice to my formula-feeding friend–the Go Ask Aunt Becky questions all come in anonymously–yesterday and I was so grateful because she doesn’t need anyone to attack her when she’s feeling low. Also, have you lost weight? Your ass looks HOT in those pants. Let’s make out.)

1) First, I bought an elliptical. I know, I KNOW, it sounds like a BAD IDEA because it’s one of those things that you can easily ignore and use as a clothes hanger and what better to remind you of your failures? But this one was effing cheap and time is kinda precious right now. So ANYTHING is better than nothing.

Ima get my ass on it as soon as I can wear a bra lest I knock myself out with a rogue boobie.

2) I bought more clothes. I’d all but stopped buying clothes when I realized how depressing it was to do it because, well, I’m still rocking the baby weight. The elliptical will help that. But new clothes help me feel better about myself, which will make me feel EVEN BETTER about myself and so on and so on.

3) I started listening to music again. Because I’m home with the kids so much, I’d stopped jamming out with my clam out to things that made me happy because if any of them get a whiff of music coming from my computer, they’re all over me to watch stuff on my computer. Which, hi, TOTALLY NOT MY THING.

I do important stuffs here like surf porn and write on my blog, not watch CARTOONS (for the record, I hate cartoons).

But I love music. It’s one of the things I love dearly and since I stopped commuting every-fucking-where it’s something I stopped doing: humping on my music. Music makes me Aunt Becky again and it makes me feel alive.

4) I’m going out to California next weekend with The Daver even though we couldn’t find anyone in my family to watch my kids. There’s a certain baby shower that I’m pretty stoked to go to and to miss that would be like gnawing off an arm, but getting anyone to watch my kids is always like pinning Jello to a wall.

I know they have sitter sites out there, but I’m not entirely comfortable leaving my kids overnight with someone I don’t know. By the grace of God, my friend from high school is going to do it for me and I owe her SO MUCH.

5) I’m back to looking for places to submit my work (let’s agree that “work” here is a very loose term) and expand My Empire.

Most importantly, I’m allowing myself the opportunity to make progress without expecting perfection. I tend to expect things from myself that no one really should expect of themselves and I’m going to stop.


I may never own Moon Boots, because maybe I DID own them when I was a kid and maybe they weren’t NEARLY as cool as I thought they’d be. But slowly, I’m digging myself out of the hole I’ve sunk into and rediscovering who I am. Turns out, I’m the same person I always was.

Progress, not perfection. Unless I’m listening to Britney. Which is total perfection.


And if you’re looking for me elsewhere, I’m talking about the time I got courted by (no shit)(seriously, why would I lie?) Wife Swap.

Over at Skirt! this is the link to the post I threw up yesterday (Sunday = The Internet is closed) about Finding Myself Among The Dirty Diapers.

106 Comments to

“Phase One: Bringing Aunt Becky Back”

  1. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:21 am ainebegonia Says:

    Actually (please don’t shoot me) the next decade will start in 2011. There was no year 0. Also this millenium (sp?) began in 2001.

    Also you are awesome and I am sorry I have not been here more often.

  2. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:25 am KeepingYouAwake Says:

    What? Are you serious?

  3. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:33 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s okay. I’ll make this last decade count then. HA.

  4. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:54 pm Karren Says:

    It IS the new decade. Just like a child born isn’t one until he’s lived a year, the year before the year 2011 is the beginning of the new decade. When we reach the year 2011 the first year of this decade will be over. I don’t know why people can’t get this concept. Idiots.

  5. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:24 am KeepingYouAwake Says:

    I went with a list of stuff I wouldn’t do, because I can’t be trusted to follow through on stuff that doesn’t sound fun. Back when I was going to the gym regularly, I *loved* the elliptical. I bought a Gazelle Freestyle for home, which turned out to me useless for actual exercise and way to awkward for a sex-swing. Fitness is a bitch.

    I love your metaphors, and will be re-using them. Just FYI.

  6. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:33 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahaha! I bought the Freestyle! That’s okay. I’m so out of shape that ANYTHING will be better than nothing right now.

  7. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:36 am Nicole Says:

    Aunt Becky – I am sooo in the same place as you right now (well, not literally, that would be creepy!) I just recently discovered your blog, and love it so much, I decided to start my own! Here’s hoping we all find ourselves in this new DECADE!!

  8. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:39 am Why Is Daddy Crying Says:

    And awesome you are dear lady! Way to reclaim yourself and for motivating a big-eared moron like me who’s also on the upswing of sitting in his own filth trying to find the courage to reclaim my stake in rocking this fucking world again!

    And share your music woman!!! Lovers of the tunage like are always looking for good new eargasms.

  9. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You can fucking do it, too. Midwestern Bloggers UNITE. Or UNTIE!

  10. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:39 am Maria Says:

    Dude I am so with you on all these things. Also LOL I am three months older than you.

  11. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m going to call you OLD BALLS from now on. OBVIOUSLY.

  12. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:59 pm Maria Says:

    The balls are a little worse for wear. But the boner is still fit as a fiddle.

  13. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:40 am Shell Says:

    I was in denial that this is a new decade. Otherwise, I’d feel the need to be all deep, and I wasn’t in the mood.

    I want an elliptical. I might even use it once in a while.

    Congrats on findin a sitter. That would be quite a feat for me. My boys scare people.

  14. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    This elliptical was cheap and can be put away. ROCK ON.

  15. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:51 am Ivory Says:

    Um, are we the same person??
    1. I bought a treadmill
    2. I bought more clothes
    3. I’m also working on listening to real, no radio music again.
    4. I too am going to CA this weekend with my husband sans the girl 🙂

  16. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  17. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:54 am Dawn Says:

    Gotta to back to the Y. Gotta go back to the Y.

    Yep. Is time. Before an opera company sweeps me up to be their closing act. If you get my drift…

  18. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! I love going to the gym, seriously. MUCH BETTER. But if I can’t actually MAKE it…you know.

  19. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:55 am inannasstar Says:

    “Jam out with my clam out” hahahahahaha! that was in Harold and Kumar too!!! LOVE IT!!!

  20. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:56 am Weekly Bite Says:

    Love that you bought an eliptical!

    I thought the new decade started this year too 😉

  21. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:56 am Karen Says:

    Rushing right over to read you Wife Swap post since that show is one of my guilty pleasures in life…

  22. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Rock of Love was mine. If they could bring that show back, I’d be SO HAPPY.

  23. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:57 am Angie Says:

    Well it looks like you have really made some progress or at least stepped toward it, also congrats on the sitter, everybody will take my girls since they are older but lil man won’t stay without mom so no luck there. We will be trying this again soon though since me and the hubs need a night out.

    Not much progress in the fitness area here although my organization is really coming along. YEah me! Looking forward to more progress. For me for you hell anyone that needs it

  24. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    (this should be VERY interesting and I’m trying not to think about it. I’m scared. I’ll miss my babies SO MUCH. Which, PATHETIC)

  25. On January 4th, 2010 at 11:57 am SciFi Dad Says:

    I personally like rogue boobies, just for the record.

  26. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You might hork if you saw mine. They’re VERY rogue.

  27. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:02 pm Nona Says:

    I am *cough* years older than you and in much worse shape. I am still rocking baby weight and I gave birth to my daughter when you were were watching Sesame Street with your kindergarten classmates.

    So do not be me.

    If you want to get in shape, now is indeed the time to do it. Gets much harder as you mature, believe me. Music will help the workout, so be sure to have some jammin’ tunes playing when you get on the elliptical.

    Rock on, Aunt Becky. Rock on.

  28. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The thyroid problems I have make getting into shape fucking hard, so it’s going to be tough to do it. Doesn’t mean I CAN’T, just that it’ll be doubly hard as it is for others. Oh well. PROGRESS, not perfection right?

  29. On January 4th, 2010 at 7:36 pm Nona Says:

    Progress is better than perfection because it’s attainable. Damn, that sounded like some self-help mantra shit. Cheeezy.

    Doing something kicks doing nothing’s ass.

  30. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:07 pm Ed Says:

    Dude, you were born the summer after I graduated high school. If my finger had real bullets in it right now my brains would be splattered all over my wretched cubicle walls.

  31. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:10 pm Mary Sue Says:

    Screw this New Year’s Resolutions stuff, I’ve got me a New Decade resolution. Since I am in magnificent shape (I look just like a goddess and I treat it thusly), my life is following its usual path of constant quick turns and dropping me into adventures wherein I get to fly by the seat of my pants (yay!), I’ve only got one thing left to do.

    Which is, of course, to BE MORE AWESOME.

  32. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:13 pm Emilie Says:

    I bought an elliptical last year and I used it twice a week for 5 months straight. I was pretty pleased with myself. I put it in front of the TV and picked two weekly half-hour shows. I walked/ran/pedaled (what is it you do on an elliptical anyway?) as I watched them and took breaks during the adverts! It helped me stay (relatively) committed to it as well, when “my” shows came on, I knew it was time to get on the machine, and the more I did it, the more programmed I became. The cool thing about having a low-ish goal of doing it twice a week was that I would sometimes surpass it, which would make me feel like a goddess of exercise. For a while there I had the goal of doing it four times a week and that never happened, so I felt like shit. Aiming low – best strategy ever.

    Then I started a new job which completely messed up my routine, so I pretty much stopped (I also stopped commenting on blogs – sorry!). I was thinking of starting again tonight actually, as it’s a new year, and I’ve gained what feels like 20 pounds from a three-week turkey and mashed potato fest. Now you’ve motivated me to do that, so thanks! I’ll also try to log on more often, to cheer you on!

    Oh yeah and a sports bra is a must. Them titties can fly.

  33. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:54 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I totally need a sports bra. I fucking HATE buying bras. Why do I hate buying bras? WHY?

  34. On January 4th, 2010 at 1:39 pm Emilie Says:

    Check out for a kickass sports bra for women with flyaway boobs. It’s the opposite of sexy – it kinds of looks like it was developed by NASA – but it WILL hold those suckers in. No black eyes, no concussions, guaranteed. And bonus! you can only buy it online, which means that you don’t have to get annoyed/embarrassed/sweaty in a department store as you try on 30 bras that just don’t fit right.

    (I swear I don’t work for the bra company)

    And yep, let’s do it together. Yay!

  35. On January 4th, 2010 at 1:44 pm Emilie Says:

    I tell a lie – just checked, you can buy it in stores too, if you want to try it on first!

  36. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:54 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Also, let’s do it together.

  37. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:16 pm moonspun Says:

    I wish I had room in my house for an elliptical, so enjoy that for me, ok??
    And enjoy yourself in California! Oh and I am with you…I don’t like cartoons very much either. Never did.

  38. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    This is a cheap ass fold-up elliptical. I should have mentioned that. It’s like the elliptical, lite.

  39. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:17 pm existentialwaitress Says:

    As a kid my mom always used to tell me, “Progress not perfection.” I love that saying b/c it really does make me feel less spastic about NOT SEEING RESULTS RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW! And it’s funny how much music can make you feel like your old self. It’s also funny how children seem to want to do everything in their power to prevent you from enjoying that little bit of “me time.”

  40. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m planning to try and get on the machine this afternoon. Which means…no one will nap. Period. Fucking kids.

  41. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:17 pm Marie Says:

    I think buying an elliptical is a great idea. Not only will it help you get in shape, the exercise will do wonders for you mood. Good for you Aunt Becky!

  42. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I *love* working out and have been really sad that I haven’t carved out the time for it. This will help tremendously.

  43. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:25 pm SuperDixieKitten Says:

    Dear Aunt Beckster:

    There was a time when I was so full of the Mommy-yuck (I say that with affection) that I forgot who and what I was. I was terrified of breast feeding nazis that poked fun at my DD boobs that didn’t work, afraid that cookies would ruin the brain power of my crumb crunchers, and equally terrified that somehow, if I didn’t choose just the right set of friends for my 1 yo, she’d be a stripper by the time she was 16. Some women are meant for staying at home, I’m not one of them. Like you, I go balls to the walls when I’m ‘into’ something and have a hard time finding a stopping point when enough is enough. There’s so much damn mommy pressure! I lost myself to diapers, binkies, blankets, puke, and poop. I also lost my husband (unrelated…. sorta).

    Anyway, while I was trying to figure out WTF I was going to do with my new single life, 2 kids under the age of 4, a failed marriage and an empty checking account, I had the bright idea that I should move home and go back to school. So I did.

    While I was packing, I found a box full of letters (remember when we didn’t have IM and we actually WROTE and FOLDED notes to one another?!?) from high school. See, I was somewhat anal even way back then, so I would often find a ‘rough draft’ attached to the response. My GOD, I cracked myself up! I was a spitfire!

    So, anywe, whenever I’m feeling like I’m losing myself to Mommy-maryrdom or Work-a-Holic bitch-hood, I take out those letters and laugh at the person I was so sure that I was back in (mumbles the year). It keeps me balanced.

  44. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:25 pm BigSis Says:

    I think you are awesome the way you are, but all the great things you are doing for yourself will make you feel even awesomer and that it what really matters, not what I think 🙂

  45. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:27 pm amber Says:

    I’m a fan of the elliptical myself. Even had one…till I moved. Then in a cleaning frenzy, I gave it away to the Goodwill. What I wouldn’t give to have it back.

    Good luck. With everything. But we all think you’re fabulous just the way you are.

  46. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:35 pm Rebecca Says:

    The whole decade thing is always debated by teams of scientists and mathematicians every time a new one rolls around. Some say…SOME say that it starts with the “0” year and some say it starts with the “1” year. I say do what makes sense to you…..I’m a “0” year girl…but I’m mathematically challenged….Math. Is. Hard. Very. Hard.

  47. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:38 pm Emily Says:

    Oh, Aunt Becky, you are so awesome right now that I’m not sure I could handle any further levels of awesomeness. But I’ll try.

  48. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:41 pm erica Says:

    You are fucking awesome.
    That is all.

    In other words of wisdom… I am still rocking the nursing boobs… but I am not nursing… and I still have to wear two brars to make sure no bewbs slap me in the face when I run. My advice? Wear three. Make them tight.

    Ah, my post-baby bod.

  49. On January 4th, 2010 at 2:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    (I am still lactating. I haven’t nursed anything in…months)(let’s not tell anyone this lovely factoid about me)

  50. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:49 pm Lisa Says:

    It would not be so bad if my boobies at least went in the same direction. Coming down the stairs braless anymore looks like someone let two slinkies fly. Not. Pretty. I miss my “old boobs”, you know the ones I had when I was “young”. Do do I miss my old new boobs?

    Do they botox boobs? Sort of freeze them in a higher plane? If so I am totally making an appointment…

  51. On January 4th, 2010 at 2:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Shit, I’m getting a boob job. Shamelessly. I can’t WAIT.

  52. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:53 pm linlah Says:

    And when my mind is free
    You know a melody can move me
    When I’m feelin’ blue
    The guitar’s comin’ through to soothe me.
    Mentor Williams

  53. On January 4th, 2010 at 12:53 pm Lisa Says:

    OH I FORGOT – you totally need to download the Pandora app for your iPhone. Put in your favorite song and Pandora will create a commercial free “station” for you playing songs that are similar to the one you like. It was created by some music genome project or something, and is great. Great for getting in the workout mode!

    No iPhone you say? Trade in your eliptical for one, they are that cool! This coming from someone who does not even program numbers into speed dial on the home phone. If I love it, any “normal” person will FLIP! 🙂

  54. On January 4th, 2010 at 1:05 pm Chris in Phx Says:

    Have you given any thought to what your going to name your ever expanding Empire? Beckyopolis perhaps…or Wenisville, that one just rolls off the tounge.

  55. On January 4th, 2010 at 1:08 pm Tiffany Says:

    Congrats Becks – My “machine” holds clothes and yep you guessed it, I have a muffin top or you can call me buffet queen whatever. I to was going to bring “sexy back” but I over did the beer last night and I’m feelin kinda guilty. I guess I’ll work on the other option and spend all my husbands money. Seriously, I will get on the “machine” and wait for the weather to break so I can kick some ass to.

  56. On January 4th, 2010 at 1:30 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Awesome plan! I totally agree with feeling better with new clothes. I helped support Kohls in 2009 while I was loosing my baby weight. I’d loose some weight, buy more clothes, loose a little bit more, buy a little bit more, and didn’t feel so bad since they were dirt cheap.

    What is it about music that just makes you feel better? Good idea, I’ll try that, too.

    I love your plan! Can’t wait to hear the updates!

  57. On January 4th, 2010 at 1:38 pm leanne Says:

    I’ll be joining you on the elliptical. Well, you’ll be on yours and I’ll be on mine. But it’ll be good.

    And I bought myself new clothes, too. I’ve been shopping for my kids and not for me for far too long.

    And music… definitely listening to more. And dancing with my kids. Does my soul good.

    Next on my list… get my hair cut.

    Feeling better about the new year already…

  58. On January 4th, 2010 at 1:50 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    I’ve missed you! I have 11 unread posts of yours, so I’d better get reading. Good luck with the re-make! I got an Urban Rebounder (sexy cool mini-trampoline) for my new workout non-resolution.

  59. On January 4th, 2010 at 1:57 pm Gail Says:

    Becks, as far as #1 and #2 on your list – make them work together and buy yourself some fun workout clothes. It helps more than it should.

    I think it was Jackie Joyner-Kersee (spelled totally wrong, but I’m too lazy to look it up) who said:

    “dress good to look good. look good to feel good. feel good to run fast.”

    so true.

  60. On January 4th, 2010 at 2:05 pm Kathleen Says:

    I just wanted to offer my congratulations that the first phase of “Bringing Aunt Becky Back” is going so well. It is good to see your work popping up across the internet. Have a good time in California!!

  61. On January 4th, 2010 at 2:22 pm bashtree Says:

    Bring it! I found a pair of those moon walk shoes at the Goodwill the other day. Let me know if you’ll be needing them for your comeback.

    You know what I really want? One of those goofy Nordic Track things. I would actually use that beast. I never could master the elliptical – I always bounce around like a fool child on it.

  62. On January 4th, 2010 at 2:24 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    You go girl! Rock out the Moon Boots with some MC Hammer pants. You won’t need the elliptical that way.

  63. On January 4th, 2010 at 2:38 pm Maniacal Mom Says:

    Go Groove Aunt Becky! You are ONE HOT AUNT! Make sure you blog and tweet WHILE on the elliptical…it’s way more fun then!

  64. On January 4th, 2010 at 2:39 pm Krissa Says:

    Aunt Beck, I am thinking you are well on your way to a bright new decade and am impressed with all of your resolutions.
    Uh, about number 4…. Do you think your friend from high school would watch Henrietta for me? 😉

  65. On January 4th, 2010 at 3:01 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    And all this time I thought Aunt Becky was right here.

    In my pants.

  66. On January 4th, 2010 at 3:12 pm Melissa Says:

    “Progress not perfection” wonderful, my new mantra. In fact, I am going to go right now and put that as my status update on FB, because yes, I am that dorky. But, thank you Aunt Becky. BTW, I love lists. I make lists like my life depends on it. It is like just writing down all the shit I need to do is an accomplishment. It is the only organization in my life right now.
    Yes, strap those boobies down cause it fucking hurts when they bounce all over. In case yours don’t droop to your waist already like mine do after one kid, trust me, strap those suckers down and enjoy what perkiness is left cause when it is gone, omg you will miss them. My first, and so far only, kid caused mine to fucking balloon and the deflation, (while welcome because no one wants to be a fucking E), left me with D cup sized floppy lumps of flesh that no 31 year old should have.
    Melissa in Durham

  67. On January 4th, 2010 at 3:26 pm centralillinoisian Says:

    You totally rock. And so do the rest of us. Why yes I did lose some weight,and thanks for noticing that my ass is hot, I’ve been working at it for a few weeks now. I started my new years resolutions of working out a little early. My suggestion is to have a buddy that makes you accountable. I know that I have to get up and go work out with my pal on Tues and Thurs morning- at 5:30 am no less- so I have no choice, she is waiting on me. And I am waiting on her. We haven’t missed one yet because of it. Cuz you know working out is a four letter word. ANd totally rock those tunes. We all need some good music in our life. And I love my big bewbies. When you started out with none, it feels great to have those mounds sitting there on your chest, or swinging around the room, whichever fits.

  68. On January 4th, 2010 at 3:35 pm Laura Says:

    When I was trying to lose baby weight I worse tighter clothes, not disgusting, fat popping out all over clothes, but tight enough to remind me that I wanted them to be loose!

    Music rocks!!

  69. On January 4th, 2010 at 3:35 pm Kristine Says:

    I’m working on myself this year too. It’s harder than I ever thought it would be.

  70. On January 4th, 2010 at 3:57 pm Badass Geek Says:

    I’d offer to watch your kids, but I’m not qualified. Nor really responsible enough.

  71. On January 4th, 2010 at 4:00 pm Chris Mancini Says:

    How can you be for rocket cars and against cartoons?! That makes NO sense! And the problem with self improvement projects is that there is no end date. Think of it more of a series of upgrades.

  72. On January 4th, 2010 at 4:09 pm Tr8ce Says:

    Go Aunt Becky! You are obviously more together than me – it’s taken me until 2yrs after the birth of my first to decide I need to get my groove back too. A wardrobe full of clothes that are 3 or 4 sizes too small for me, only 2 pants and 3 shirts that currently fit me (yep – I stopped buying clothes too – and no skirts either!), and feeling sooooooo unsexy. So I’ve started losing weight (high protein low carb eating – and eating 6 times a day – yay!), I’ve bought a couple of pieces of new clothing that will allow me to wear some of my fantastic high heels that I haven’t worn since I was 6 months pregnant, and most of all, I’m doing my hair before leaving the house instead of just pulling it back into that “I’m a mum and too busy to look after myself” ponytail/bun. Heck, some days I even manage some basic makeup! I have a friend’s wedding in March and I want to be at least a whole size smaller so I can buy some nice clothes to celebrate with. Of course, we are trying to fall pregnant with number 2……but for right now I’m feeling much better about myself!

  73. On January 4th, 2010 at 4:09 pm Erin Says:

    (sheepishly) I love my pink moon boots. Wear them as slippers around the house. Clearly, I take myself wicked seriously 😉

    It’s fantastic you’re taking the steps to make 2010 the Year of Becky. Nicely done, woman!

  74. On January 4th, 2010 at 4:36 pm dg at diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Jam out with your clam out…get that on a tshirt pronto. I was in the east village NYC over the weekend and the male version of that saying is all over hats and tees and wallets. Don’t be robbed of your brilliance – copyright, copyright, copyright!

  75. On January 4th, 2010 at 5:24 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Take great big loves to that mama in California from me. I mean it- do it, Aunt Becky or I’ll sic a rooster on ya’.
    Love…Ms. Moon

  76. On January 4th, 2010 at 5:51 pm kys Says:

    I got on the Wii Fit yesterday and it told me I gained `100 lbs and made the sad face Mii with the pity party music and everything. I found out one of the kidlets had been impersonating me. I’m pretty sure that’s a crime.

  77. On January 4th, 2010 at 9:39 pm Coleen Says:


    Stupid Wii Fit was disappointed in me today that I was the same weight that I was on Saturday (which was the first day I did the stupid thing!)

    It’s progress, not perfection Wii Fit 🙂

  78. On January 4th, 2010 at 9:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Stupid judgmental Wii Fit.

  79. On January 4th, 2010 at 6:50 pm gaylin Says:

    Enjoy going nowhere fast on your elliptical . . . Me, this year I am going to learn how to Hoop. No apparently it is not cool to call it a Hula Hoop, Dude – it is Hooping. But I have to wait until March because the stupid effing Olympics are slowly turning downtown Vancouver to a non-accessible zone. I love the Olympics but why do they have to be HERE!

    My boobs are still a small B-cup, whew. I miss my A cup mini-boobs. Can’t wear a bra right now, sore shoulder, wearing layers, lots of layers.

    I know you will find your inner and outer hotness again this year, see it was right where you left it, in the drawer with the old thongs with no elastic left in them.

    I would babysit your kids anytime! My passport is in order, fly me there and voila a babysitter . . . Just don’t make me go clothes shopping ugh.

  80. On January 4th, 2010 at 7:14 pm BrilliantSulk Says:


    Put on those fucking moon boots and get your groove on lady! You’ll be a size zero in no time. Just make sure to wear a bra or your boobies might knock you out…

  81. On January 4th, 2010 at 7:30 pm mumma boo Says:

    Have fun in CA! If Boston was on the way, I’d say drop those kidlets here, but, yeah, um, it’s a heck of a detour from Chicago. *sigh* Someday I will smooch those cheeks in person. Just you wait.

  82. On January 4th, 2010 at 7:37 pm Mama Cas Says:

    Wait a second. You’re not even 30 yet?! WOW! Somehow I assumed you’re an old bag like me (just turned 36). Huh. You’re still a BABY!

    *ahem* You don’t KNOW HOW LONG I’ve waited to say that to someone cuz I’m generally the youngest person WHEREVER I GO or so it seems and there’s always some goddamned old smelly uncle telling me how I’m STILL JUST A BABY.

  83. On January 4th, 2010 at 7:43 pm Nancy C Says:

    So with you on the music. Just bought the husband a docking station for “his” birthday present, so I can get back in the music game.

  84. On January 4th, 2010 at 7:48 pm Anjali Says:

    We listen to a lot of music here during the day. It’s the only thing that keeps my kids (read: me) sane. If you like the show Glee, get thee to the store and get vol. 1 & 2 of the show’s soundtrack. It’s so good it makes me cry.

  85. On January 4th, 2010 at 9:42 pm Coleen Says:


    The iTunes store has the songs from the show that didn’t make it onto the soundtracks (like the boys vs girls mashups from the “Vitamin D” episode and Quinn’s “Papa Don’t Preach”) I downloaded them today and made my almost 2 year old sing along with “Somebody to Love” during dinner. It RULED 🙂

  86. On January 4th, 2010 at 7:54 pm injaynesworld Says:

    Man, I hate birthdays with zeros in them…

    My favorite rock out tune: “Layla” – the electric version. Yes, because I’m that fucking old.

  87. On January 4th, 2010 at 9:49 pm Kristin Says:

    Go Aunt Becky Go! I need to get back on my Gazelle and I’m hoping to get a Wii Fit Plus soon and I want to start using that.

  88. On January 4th, 2010 at 9:49 pm Lucy Cooper Says:

    I realized it this year: New Year’s Day has moved into the slot of my official FAvorite Holiday. It’s the Get Out of Jail Free holiday- even if you were a turd all last year- tah dah!- here’s your chance to straighten up and fly right. My resolution is to stop being a pussy, and stop telling people what I think they want to hear, even when it’s not really truthful.
    But I CAN truthfully say- Aunt Becky rocks.

  89. On January 5th, 2010 at 12:32 am GingerB Says:

    Moon boots are not as compfortable as they look, as I recall from my pair in thrid grade. Maybe they are better made now? Better living through science? I loved my pre-parenting eliptical trainer. I really did use it some and I only unloaded it in my current life to make way for kids and their unending toys. Your ass will thank you for this purchase. Really? Hey, have you lost weight? You look awesome!

  90. On January 5th, 2010 at 1:11 am Zakary Says:

    I didn’t realize it was the start of a new decade either until like uh, 8 p.m. on NYE. When I read it on Twitter. I wish I had known, I think I would have done more with 2009.

    Also, I bought new Nikes and I’m totally getting into shape. Seriously. And I bought new socks. Socks make me feel better about myself.


  91. On January 5th, 2010 at 4:54 am Little Miss Hopeful Says:

    dude. Its freaky how much I feel like I’m reading about myself in some of your entries. Your “resolutions” are just like mine with the music and the work and the baby weight…good luck 🙂

    also, my kim turns 30 in july as well (what date is your birthday?) I’ve been teasing her for a year about getting old. Luckily she has the mentality of a 14 year old boy so she doesnt feel old yet 🙂

  92. On January 5th, 2010 at 5:09 am pixielation Says:

    Allowing yourself more latitude is always a good idea. We should never be too hard on ourselves, that just defeats the purpose.

  93. On January 5th, 2010 at 8:24 am christina Says:

    Good for you for finding time for yourself. Someone said something to me yesterday that totally rocked my perceptions. She said “not taking care of myself is selfish”. I was all, whoa, I think you got that backwards but ya know I think she was right. Because when we moms get all hung up on our mommy cross of “I have no time for me because I am too busy taking care of everyone else” we’re basically saying “look at me, look at me, I’m a better mom than you because I sacrifice EVERYTHING for my kids”. And none of that is true. So I’m glad you are able to selflessly give yourself some time. You totally deserve it!

  94. On January 5th, 2010 at 8:44 am RhoRho Says:

    Dudewoman, I haven’t been here or anywhere else in a while but glad you’re bringin the Becky back. And good fer you the porn surfin (my husband would worship you), and the elliptical (in this world, an ass just can’t be small enough it seems, so go girl), and I wish i was goin back to Cali with you. It’s like 4 degrees here.

  95. On January 5th, 2010 at 9:39 am Dot Says:

    I had no idea things were getting to you so much. Sorry to hear that. It sounds like you’ve got your head on straight, though, so I’m not worried about you — you’re doing the right things to fix it.

    You’re only 29? I guess I knew that, but I’m 32 years older than you? No way.

  96. On January 5th, 2010 at 10:10 am Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt Says:

    Moon boots are only cool if you line them with your Wonder Bread baggies.

    I rocked moon boots…bags and all.

  97. On January 5th, 2010 at 10:44 am Heather Says:

    I LOST weight while I was pregnant (fuggin GD) and I’m breastfeeding but NOW I’ve started to get fatter and jigglier! I was looking forward to guilting my daughter for making me fat and I’ve been robbed of that chance! At least I still have the broken tailbone during childbirth guilt to throw at her.

  98. On January 5th, 2010 at 11:27 am Jennet Says:

    If it helps, I make goals and not resolutions. Resolutions seem too ongoing for me. I like to have simple goals I can break down into little bitty parts and check off one at a time. Yes, I’m a wee bit anal. About some things. Not housework. 🙂

    You can do it!

  99. On January 5th, 2010 at 12:21 pm Kendra Says:

    My brother is getting married in May, and I wasn’t totally jazzed about being the fat sister. Now I’m going to be the fat bridesmaid (although really, how sweet is that, to ask your fiance’s sister to be a bridesmaid? She’s awesome). We got a Wii for Christmas, so in addition to my previously decided-upon “have some frickin self-control” approach, I’m going to try to add at least an hour a day of Wii Sports. I know they have a Wii Fit, and that’s great, but did you know they make a caricature of you based on your weight? My current Fitness Age is 61 (I can’t seem to putt to save my life), so caricatures aren’t going to help. But I’m all sore from Wii Tennis and have brought my Fitness Age down from 67 already, so I’m hoping it will work. Maybe not a size 2 by May, but maybe I won’t be freaking out about my fat calves.

    And I’m totally in the market for moon boots for my kids (all I can find are “High School Musical 3” horrible creations), so I’ll buy them if you come across any!

  100. On January 5th, 2010 at 1:14 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    I <3 you so hard.

  101. On January 5th, 2010 at 10:07 pm MommyNamedApril Says:

    ok, i totally didn’t get the decade thing either. whatever. technically EVERY SINGLE DAY is the start of a new decade. so, there. i must be pms’ing. that sounded cranky even for me.

    happy new year and all that jazz 😉

  102. On January 6th, 2010 at 2:04 pm Another GE Girl Says:

    Not to put too fine a point on it, but actually, the new decade starts NEXT year, 2011. Because 2010 is the end of the first decade – the tenth year of 10. Otherwise we would have to start counting things with zero & where would that lead?!?!?!

  103. On January 7th, 2010 at 12:58 am Bobbi Janay Says:

    I love me some Britney too. I wish you the best of luck with 2010.

  104. On January 19th, 2010 at 2:04 pm Jen Anderson Says:

    As far as finding places to submit your work, you should check out If you get a premium membership, you can see articles about how to pitch to different magazines, which magazines take personal essays, etc. They also have online classes. I’ve been meaning to tell you that I think you should write an essay about how when you needed support during Amelia’s problems, you found it from your blog readers and then submit it to Self magazine. They do Happiness essays and I think it might be a good fit. E-mail me for deets if you’re interested (jenumlas at gmail dot com) and I can go into detail. I just had an essay rejected by them, but they did say I should submit more. Freelance writers need to stick together.

  105. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:21 am Bringing Aunt Becky Back (Part Number C) | Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] the past decade to raising my adorable crotch parasites, I thought that it was high time to unearth who I was again. As excited as I was by this prospect, I’m going to be honest, Pranksters, I was terrified. […]

  106. On January 8th, 2012 at 8:29 pm - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] the past decade to raising my adorable crotch parasites, I thought that it was high time to unearth who I was again. As excited as I was by this prospect, I’m going to be honest, Pranksters, I was terrified. […]

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