Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Bringing Aunt Becky Back (Part Number C)


After devoting the past decade to raising my adorable crotch parasites, I thought that it was high time to unearth who I was again. As excited as I was by this prospect, I’m going to be honest, Pranksters, I was terrified. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to think about myself in terms more than “do I have to pee?” and if so, “how long can I hold it before my bladder explodes, bathing my guts with a fine mist of pee?”

It’s the part of parenting that’s hard: the loss of self.

I love my children, but I lost myself along the way. It’s not hard to do. Kids are loud and annoying and shit, it’s easier to think about their needs because they’re so damn demanding about what they want because that’s what they’re designed to do. It’s survival of the most annoying and kids win that hands down. I know this because I was a bloody irritating kid, too.

This past month has probably been the hardest yet for me. A number of unrelated issues have blindsided me; my PTSD from Amelia’s traumatic birth has resurfaced as the scar on her head is stretching and bleeding. The precancerous cells on my cervix are back. Ben’s autism has become so difficult to manage that we need more outside counsel.

The issues aren’t insurmountable, but some days, it feels like it. But, not one to dwell on the negativity, there are good things afoot as well.

I went back on Weight Watchers and am now living my life in 2-point increments. It’s not a glamorous diet, and while I’ll never lose the baby weight like those people on The Biggest Loser or my cohorts doing the South Beach Diet, it works. Since I get overwhelmingly chubby when I gestate, I’ve used it before.

Turns out, we need depressingly little to eat to survive.




In addition to counting every motherfucking calorie I put IN-to my mouth, I’m also exercising like a fiend…when I’m not wearing next to nothing thanks to my new tattoo, that is. Turns out, I have to restrain my sweater kittens, lest I knock myself out cold when I’m jogging. And yes, I am using my TONY LITTLE GAZELLE. Imma have to get myself one of those hats with the fake blond ponytail hanging out the back of it just because.

In less boring news, I bought some new make-up. Now, I like make-up, so I know that when I say things like “DAVE BETTER GET ME A CHAINSAW FOR MOTHER’S DAY” you probably think that I’m a gigantic Beefy Mc-Manstick, but no, I like Chanel and Prada and MAC and diamonds and all kinds of sparkly stuff. But it’s been ages since I’ve gone out and spent a bunch of money on girly stuff just because I wanted to. So I did. And it felt great.

Probably the best thing that I did for myself was to book a vacation with my home girl Angie. I was just going to go visit for a weekend, but she was all, “come on a cruise, whore!” and I was all, “fuck yes!” So I’m going. By myself. On a real vacation. In May. Not a long one, but still, I am going on vacation by myself. Me! The person who can’t manage to drop a deuce alone is going to be alone for days. I might hurt myself relaxing.

I can’t wait to have more exciting news like, “I became President of Target” or “I’m having an Uncrustables baby” but maybe next month, Pranksters. Maybe next month.

How are you doing, my Band of Merry Pranksters?

131 Comments to

“Bringing Aunt Becky Back (Part Number C)”

  1. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:26 am avasmommy Says:

    Aw, sweetie, I am SO glad you are doing something JUST for you. You deserve it and you are going to have a blast.

    I have a weekend like that planned in the fall. Two of my very best friends in the world are coming to visit and we are going to get a hotel room, and shop and eat and play. I might actually squee outloud. Well, ok, I probably won’t. But it’ll be a close call. πŸ˜€

  2. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You need to squee out loud for that. If you don’t, I will. Okay, I just did.

  3. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:16 am meagan Says:

    i can’t seem to drop a deuce either… like 1/4 to 1/2 but not a whole. it was great sharing.
    have fun being a real person for a while. i wish you many nights of fun and many mornings with no hangovers.

  4. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:22 am Stacey, with no E Says:

    …. as I sit here with my plate of Munchies snack mix that is coupling as breakfast AND lunch! That’s not ALL I’ve eaten … I also had a crouisant (really can’t spell that word), a 2-bite brownie, and multigrain crackers with spinach dip. And I’m down 4lbs … seriously. I’ve been sweating like a pig at the gym for 2 weeks and have “reduced” my calorie intake …but I’m splurging for another hour though because it’s Friday. Good luck. Vacations are always good motivators to put down the bucket of ice cream and throw away the cake icing when there’s no more cake! I have to shed a good 25 to fit into my summer clothes for Texas … I think I can! I think I can! ….

  5. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Of course you can! I love the gym. People are always like, “you’re full of shit, Aunt Becky” but it’s true. I do. I’m on a hiatus from working out thanks to the tattoo (no bra) but man, I miss it.

  6. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:26 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    Fucking fantastic. I get married two weeks from tomorrow. Unbelievable sometimes.

    I’m a Weight Watchers lifetime member. Though you wouldn’t know it by the amount of junk I’ve been throwing down my piehole in the last week because, hello!, I’m a stress eater which is how I became a Weight Watchers member in the first place. And wedding planning? Pretty fucking stressful. Sigh.

  7. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Weight Watchers is an incredible diet. I’ve done it several times before and while it’s slow-going, it also works. Also? YAY WEDDINGS!

  8. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:26 am Sam Says:

    As soon as I read the part about an all-adult cruise (no not THAT kind of “adult” cruise), I began to weep openly with envy. (I weep for everything else including that Sarah McLachlan SPCA ad, so why NOT weep with envy?) Seriously. I must live through you. That is AWESOME. I would hold on to that and every single time my son made a (hypothetical) sculpture out of fridge food, I would think “I’m going on a cruise thousands of miiiiles awayyyyy” and I’d probably make up a pretty hip song about it too. Because I’m smooth like that. Congrats to you Aunt Becky; the rest will sort itself out. You’re going on a cruiiiiiiise!

  9. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:47 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I have a fabulous idea. We should do a Pranksters cruise next year! Cruises are DIRT CHEAP.

    It’s on like Donkey Kong, yo!

  10. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:30 am Anna Says:

    I don’t know if you get the Babycenter (spam) emails, but one a little earlier this week involved a coupon for Uncrustables.

    Congrats on loving yourself. Read that how you want.

  11. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think I blocked Baby Center, because they STILL think I’m pregnant, but I’m ALL about finding that damn coupon. Then I can feed the FOOD baby.

  12. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:32 am denise Says:

    ooohhhhh………………..on the bright side, maybe youll get to join us over here in hystersister land πŸ˜€ done with the lady parts? get rid of em!!!!!!!

    and as for ww and less food………….i know, right??? who’d have thought that 18pt was even livable, much less enjoyable???????

    good luck on this “journey” (piece of shit saying). it really does work if you work it, but bleh!!

    ill be your ww buddy if ya want.

    im down 5lbs in two weeks and havent weighd yet this am………….i live by the scale, will it be a good day or a bad day??????

    love ya!!!!! youre the best aunt ever!!!!!!

  13. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Aw, I love you too!

    Also: 18 points is just SAD. But you know, it WORKS, so we work it. I’m also down 5 pounds! Let’s DO it together, baby.

  14. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:39 am Kisha Floren Says:

    Good for you Becks! I went to San Fran for three days by myself for the first time in Jan, and it was liberating. And not only because I let drag queens take body shots off me. πŸ™‚

  15. On April 9th, 2010 at 1:14 pm Stephanie Says:

    Kisha, I need to vacation with you! πŸ™‚
    I’ve never been on a vacation by myself. If I did, Mr Realist would think I’m leaving him. Boo.

  16. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We’re all going with Kisha. She sounds like a freaking BLAST.

  17. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:43 am A Vapid Blonde Says:

    Yay, I love vacations…sadly it has been over two years for me. And pooping on vacations is something that does not happen, ever!

  18. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I totally won’t shit for 5 days. It’s gonna be epic!

  19. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:44 am Delicia Says:

    That is AWESOME! I’m so excited for you.. esp for you going on a cruise WITHOUT THE KIDS. I did WW for awhile and it works, but so sick of counting every single bite so on South Beach now instead. It works too, esp if I ever got motivated to exercise. >.<

    You'll have to give me make-up tips, I suck at figuring that stuff out, plus super-sensitive skin makes for no makeup most times. I don't even own any mascara..

  20. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:50 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Counting points makes me insane, but it works. Plus, South Beach made me nearly shit myself. No, really, like I almost shit my pants. It was hot.

    Also: make-up tips. Hm…I can do that.

  21. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:46 am Leslee Says:

    Ooo! A vacation! Seriously? I am COMPLETELY jealous. If you look closely at your screen, you just might be able to see me drooling a little at the mere THOUGHT of a vacation.


    What’s going on with me? Um… Doctors and tests. Trying to rule out MS, so that’s fun. Still not working again, but I still have my job. For now, at least. And I decided to go to school online and have been procrastinating like an asshole in regard to doing my first assignment. Like, right now? I’ve totally been fucking around on teh intarwebs since, oh, 0730 or so? I had every intention of beginning and FINISHING my assignment, but apparently intentions? They’re not quite the same as doing.

    Damn, I am gonna SUCK at school. o_O

  22. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Doctor appointments and ruling shit out sucks ass, duder. I’m sorry. Here’s hoping that they find out it’s NOT MS and soon.

  23. On April 10th, 2010 at 2:04 pm Leslee Says:

    Thanks, yo. πŸ˜› I am all psyched up to take my coveted Xanex so I don’t flip my shit in the MRI machine tonight. Is it sad that THAT is going to be the highlight of my evening? Cuzz if it is? I’m totally ok with that. Hehe!

  24. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:49 am a Says:

    Apparently, my husband spent a little too much time learning about the scary microbes and not enough time learning about the beneficial microbes while obtaining his degree in Biology. Thus, we can never go on a cruise, because WE WILL BE POISONED BY THE FOOD!!!! Let’s not even get into breathing the same air as 1000 other people (or more, who knows?). I am envious! (I do have to give my husband a bit of a break – he is currently being investigated for Crohn’s, so any bacteria in his food means instant diarrhea. I’d stop eating entirely, if it were me.)

    Yikes on the precancerous cells! I hope you can get that resolved quickly. You know Amelia will be using the stretching/bleeding thing as a party trick when she gets to college, but how frightening. I hope that stops soon! And I hope Ben gets the right help quickly – I know you’ll be hunting down the right person, but sometimes they’re slower to turn up than we would like. Good luck on WW – please get the hat with the ponytail and take pictures for us. Please?

  25. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I need to find this hat. IMMEDIATELY. I’ll vlog with it. In fact, it’s the only way I’ll vlog. Also, then you can’t make fun of my voice.

  26. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:50 am Jamie Lee Says:

    I’m so happy for you and your cruise. You’re an amazing aunt, and you deserve some excitement! We need pictures of the blonde ponytail hat.

    I’m doing alright. Freaking out about graduating next month and finding a job. Also, I’ve only been married 7 months, and I think the spark is gone or something.

  27. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The hat seems to be a must now, eh?

    7 months sounds about right for losing the spark. *sighs* What can you do? (answer: nothing) What’s your degree in?

  28. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:52 am Ed Says:

    Dude, Weight Watchers is the shit. 35 pounds in 6 weeks and I’m never hungry. And I’ve been working out like a fiend lately, too. Was thinking about taking a vacation but decided to just stay home and bounce quarters off my ass.
    Good thing you have tattoos or people may not be able to tell us apart.

  29. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Weight Watchers is fucking awesome. I mean, the counting points gets old, but it works. Also, I think the boobs would be a dead giveaway, but then again, if you get some pecs, maybe not.

  30. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:02 am Jessica Says:

    That’s damn awesome you are going on a trip. By. Your. Self. I totally and completely admire that. The most I’m getting is a trip to Lubbock, Texas (dirt, prairie dogs, and cow shit smell) in May for a legal education seminar. Woo.

    Happy Weight Watching. And I use “happy” very loosely. I’m totally an emotional eater and it makes me real happy. Probably not helping…

  31. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:54 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m an emotional NON-eater, which is bad because I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM, PEOPLE. That joke never gets not funny…to me. I’m sure you’re annoyed. But TOUGH. HEH.

    I’ve always wanted to go to Texas. Seriously.

  32. On April 11th, 2010 at 7:32 am Jessica Says:

    Haha not annoyed. I really can’t complain. I’m lucky I’ve got good genes, and I like to run to escape the demons. Heh. Now you’re annoyed!

    Come on down! If you like music, come visit me in Austin. It’s the place to be. If you wanna shop, Dallas it is. Just don’t go to Lubbock. Or El Paso.

  33. On April 11th, 2010 at 9:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m comin’ down. One of these days. I swear it. PRANKSTERS ROAD TRIP.

  34. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:04 am Amanda (Wikked Wit) Says:

    Misery loves company…and CHEETOS! I sit here in this trailer in AL with my brain rotting and stomach in post baby melt, while my baby daddy is on tour with his band. Nothing cool ever happens. Going to Walmart is the highlight of my day. I’m starting to place bets on what color the baby’s 7th poo will be in a day. Vacation??? Whats that?!?


  35. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh dude. Do I remember those days or what? Also: I changed 98 poopy diapers yesterday and went to Target today. That was probably the most excitement I’ll see for a month.

  36. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:20 am Chris in PHX Says:

    wow parasite free vacation….will you know what to do with yourself? I bet 10 dollars the first time someone near you sneezes you try to wipe their nose.

    Things are looking up at my house, my other half narrowly dodged a bullet that would have made him the guardian to his 16 year old nephew, needless to say I’m thrilled that he wont be staying with us lol. Although, isn’t 16 about the time they start to get entertaining?

  37. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    At 16, you can make them do the REALLY annoying chores you don’t want to do, so that’s a huge plus. Also, you’re spot on. I’ll enjoy vacation for 4 hours until I get overwhelmingly bored and work out for 6 hours straight. Because who the hell has that kind of free time normally?

    Not me.

  38. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:20 am daisybv2 Says:

    Hey… so glad to hear you are spending money on you! And takin a vacation I am UBBER jealous.. as I feel ya on the dropping a duece alone

    I literally hold my son while I pee and have to put him in the baby sling to get ready for work it sucks sometimes!

    Have a Great Time on the Cruise You Rock!

  39. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m usually stuck peeling Amelia OUT of my undies while I drop a deuce while Alex unrolls the toilet paper. Ben stands in the door of the bathroom talking to me while this goes on. It’s always party time in MY bathroom.

  40. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:22 am Fran Says:

    I just started the “Insanity” workout in a hopeful bid to rid myslef of 35 pounds…I may not survive, but I will read your blog every day as it is one of the bright spots for me! I heart my Aunt Becky!

  41. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Awww! I heart YOU!

    The Insanity workout, huh? I’ll have to check it out. I love The Shred, but it hurts my bad foot/bad knee. I have to go really easy on it because I don’t want to re-injure it and get stuck in Das Boot again.

  42. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:23 am Fran Says:

    When will I ever learn to proofread?!?!? * rid mysELf of 35 pounds* I hate it when that happens πŸ™

  43. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:29 am Mommakiss Says:

    I’ve been on ‘girls only’ vacations. And adults only. We make it a priority in the calendar. Because seriously – when Momma’s happy – everybody wins!
    Now, who’s gonna watch my kids while I try to crash this cruise?
    (and fuck you to those precancerous fucking fuckers)

  44. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The precancerous cells can kiss my ass. Good thing I don’t need my cervix any more, right?

  45. On April 9th, 2010 at 12:48 pm amber Says:

    I’m trying to be happy for you and your vacation, but really, I’m just insanely jealous. I told the universe I needed a vacation and you know what I’m getting? My third abdominal surgery in a one-year span…just six weeks after my second one.

    That’s not exactly what I meant…but at least I’ll have an excuse to sit in bed and watch HGTV. Right? Sure.

  46. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Good LORD, woman. You enjoy those painkillers, okay?

  47. On April 9th, 2010 at 11:52 am pattypunker Says:

    i’m praying for you, amelia and ben. so long as you realize that i’m praying for you to you cuz you’re my own personal jesus (as you well know). and it looks like you got this shit well covered. gettin your girly on and taking a motherfucking cruise!

    be good to yourself and good things will come to you and yours.

    now kick this motherfucker out!

  48. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We’re all over this. I think next year, a Pranksters Cruise is in order.

  49. On April 9th, 2010 at 12:00 pm Melissa Says:

    First off, ((((HUGS)))). All of that does suck donkey balls, big time. And you are right, it will all work out. You will freeze those fuckers off of your cervix (I know, no fun), Amelia’s skin will stretch, but ouch (I no, know fun) and you will find a counselor that rocks the house for Benner! ( I know, no fun).

    I wonder how many points a baconater with fries and a coke come to? If I was on your diet I imagine I just ingested my points for the whole weekend!

    And yay cruise! You totally deserve it! Who is going to stay with the rugrats? Or is the Daver going to attempt to work from home with kids around? (rolling on the floor laughing at the attempt, that REALLY does not work)

    I am jealous. I havent cruised since I was in my 20’s, which was more years than I like to admit to. Make sure that you dont accidentally book a cruise for OLD people. Like rocking around the pool with your friend and a bunch of geriatrics. Its been know to happen.

  50. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:00 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahaha! I’ll BE the geriatric at the pool. Seriously, I’m planning to a) tan and 2) workout and that’s about it. Hopefully, I’ll manage some writing. That’s really all I’m going to do.

    And I once looked up the points for the Baconator and it’s something absurd.

  51. On April 9th, 2010 at 12:09 pm Kelly Says:

    It is very easy to get sucked into “Mea and/or Mack’s Mom” thing….you start to feel like that’s your only identity. Whenever I go to pick Mea up from the sitter, one of the kids inevitably says something to me about my being, Mea’s Mom. I know they are 3-5, but I usually say, “I am Mea’s mom, you may call me Kelly.” I’m sure that it’s stupid, but it is something that has always driven me crazy.

    What cruise line are you going on? What are your ports of call? Keep an eye on your luggage!

  52. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think we’re going to the Bahamas, but I can’t be sure. Honestly, I don’t care. I’m going to be tanning and working out for 3 days straight. Got to get in game shape, you know.

  53. On April 9th, 2010 at 12:11 pm Rebecca Says:

    How am I doing? Which story do you want? It’s always such a tough question to ask. How am I doing….well, it’s sunny and warm today and I’ve managed to get in vacuuming the carpet, sweeping the kitchen, wiping down all surfaces in the kitchen, all the laundry washed and dried (most of it folded and put away), took an hour and a half for Joey’s speech therapist and then later his care coordinator came by to review his IFSP so that we could FINALLY add physical therapy (woo hoo!). I’ve made and cleaned up after breakfast and lunch, changed 2 diapers because my son still poops in his diaper, scrubbed the bathrooms, spoke with my mom (always a highlight, yes!), played a few rounds of hide and seek, played a short stint of tag you’re it, fed the cat, scooped her litter box and now I’m treating myself to you. So, I’m good because all is well in this house!

  54. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That sounds like a GREAT day!

    Also: Alex is going to be in diapers until he’s in college. Because that’s how desperate he is NOT to go in the toilet.

  55. On April 9th, 2010 at 1:26 pm Cara Says:

    Wow, you have a lot going on right now!

    The precancerous cervical cells can be really scary to deal with, but at least they caught it in the “pre” stage.

    Just tell your self the Amelia’s scar stretching and bleeding means that her healthy brain is growing!

    On our front, a house of unfinished projects, taxes to pay, and a trip to New York right after taxes drain our bank account.

  56. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    *sighs* TAXES. Joy!

    I’m feeling a bit better now. Just had to let it out and realize that sometimes it’s okay not to be the strong one. I’m a master of being all “it’s FINE!” until one day I realize that hey, it’s actually not. You know how it goes.

  57. On April 9th, 2010 at 12:37 pm Nancy C Says:

    I am happy for you. It’s hard work to take care of yourself, because sometimes we (well, I) think I’m not deserving of it.

    That self-talk is pernicious, and robs you of your joy.

  58. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know what? You’re seriously brilliant. Thank you.

  59. On April 9th, 2010 at 12:51 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I’d love to go on a cruise with just girlfriends. That’d be…. all kinds of weird but fun and we’d no doubt spend half the time talking about the kids.

    Things here are fine. I’m plotting a self done French manicure, assuming I can find an hour where I don’t need to touch anything while it dries

  60. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We’ve got to do a Pranksters Cruise. That would be all kinds of awesome.

  61. On April 9th, 2010 at 12:57 pm injaynesworld Says:

    Personally, I’ve found the poverty-and-stress diet to be highly effective. πŸ˜‰

    Hey, girlfriend… so glad to here that you’re taking care of you. You can’t really nourish others if you’re starving yourself — figuratively speaking.

    The makeup, the bling, the cruise are all things you so richly deserve. Savor every moment, my friend.


  62. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:03 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know what? I do savor it. I’m proud of myself. Thank you.

  63. On April 9th, 2010 at 1:13 pm Stephanie Says:

    Oh honey, I am right there with ya…sans the vacation. After 2 failed marriages and 2 kids it gets to be time to re examine yourself and not by squatting over a mirror. Who cares if I want to do yoga poses while drinking a vodka cranberry while reading the bible?? Have a great time on your vacation!!

  64. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:03 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Best comment ever. If I had a comment award, this would win it. Love you.

  65. On April 9th, 2010 at 1:25 pm bashtree Says:

    Dude. Leave WW behind when you cruise. There’s a freaking MIDNIGHT BUFFET. Food 24hrs a day. I’m just saying.

    Also, cruise ship pizza sucks, in my experience.

    But there is duty-free shopping, which I think means low-cost booze maybe?

    And finally, I am doing a happy dance in my mind for you and your vacationing self!!

  66. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:04 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Did someone say SHOPPING? I cannot WAIT!

  67. On April 9th, 2010 at 1:42 pm Kim - In Search of Me in Mommy Says:

    being blindsided S U C K S! and I agree…”kids are loud and annoying” and finding time for self, is seemingly impossible. GRRRR… Sorry about the “stuff”…that’s hard…I can’t imagine. But good for you for taking the time for a vacation! I am in awe and love, love the idea of going someplace all by myself, except I think I’d a bit shell shocked by the choices I’d have. What are you going to do with yourself?!!??

  68. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:06 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think by hour 4 I’ll be anxiously missing my babies. But it’s good for me to get away from them, I think. This is the first time I’ll be away from them for so long!

  69. On April 9th, 2010 at 1:51 pm GingerB Says:

    I am almost pleased with my trip for a mandatory conference that takes me away from my crotch parasites, because I am getting extra sleep and lots of knitting and blog reading during sessions. The sun is shining in southern Utah, the sky is blue and if I could hug my children then all would be right with the world. However, my children’s needs are overwhelming me, my neck and knee are killing me from doing PT and crawling around after my baby to make her crawl which will hopefully rewire her little CP brain, and I have to take pain pills just to function because my failure to exercise has debilitated my fused neck and related muscles and I am fat as a freaking whale. Like you, I have lost myself and I need to find myself again, particularly my investment in weight loss and health improvement. I did buy some new clothes, even in this huge size, and that helped me like your makeup did you.

    Come visit my blog and see videos of my crawling baby. My proudest achievement yet.

    I’m sorry to hear about your sweet girl’s noggin. It sucks to think you dodged a bullet only to find it might have ricocheted back.

  70. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s just so hard to have all of those feelings flooding back, you know?

    I’ll be by to see your baby later today! can’t wait to see her crawling!

  71. On April 9th, 2010 at 1:59 pm sarah Says:

    I have perpetual “precancerous cells” on my cervix too. I was SO UPSET the first time I had a LEEP procedure, but now it’s just an annoyance. Next time it happens I’m just going to ask to have the fucker taken out.

    And I would give good money to see a video of you on the Tony Little Gazelle.

    Buck up, Aunt Becky! You are doing fine!

  72. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The awesome news is, I don’t need the cervix any longer! WOO-HOO!

    I require one of those hats with the blond ponytail immediately, if not sooner.

  73. On April 9th, 2010 at 2:37 pm kalakly Says:

    Hang in there Becky, May is not that far away:) I hoe things settle before then tho. I know it all seems to pile up and smack you at the same time. Usually when you are least able to deal with it too.
    You know where (and how) to find me if you need some extra, um support, but sadly, no, I won’t help in the sweater kitten area. You’re on your own there.

  74. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:08 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m already feeling better. Sometimes, all I need to do is admit to myself that things ARE hard and then suddenly, I feel better again. It’s just the acknowledgment that I need. That probably sounds nuts, but it’s the truth.

  75. On April 9th, 2010 at 2:48 pm Ali R Says:

    Hope everything turns out okay with all life is putting you through. I once had precancerous cells too and it freaked me out but they took it up and now it’s okay again so hope that works for you too!!

    When I was about a year out of college I was a FAT ASS and when I mean fat, I mean fat. I am only 5′ 3″ so fat doesn’t wear well on me. So I did WW and loved it and I became a lifetime member and I went to a meeting once and they said I had gotten “too skinny” to attend and had to get a doctor’s note like insinuating that I was all anorexic and shit (and I totally was NOT, I was literally 1 lb. less than my weight range) so I got all pissed off and left and never went back. But then I thought they maybe were just mad b/c I looked all skinny so it does work and I still follow the points just not as carefully as I used to when I was a biggun’ once I pop out a few kids I am sure I’ll be right back at some meetings!

    Good luck!!

  76. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’ve always done the online WW because I’m just not a fan of sitting around in meetings. It’s not that I don’t believe in them, I just know I’d zone out. So, online works for me. I’m accountable to myself because I’m weirdly anal.

    It just takes so long to lose the weight.


  77. On April 9th, 2010 at 3:52 pm Amy Mayfield Says:

    Since my hubs is going to Iraq, again, for a brief visit-I am going to leave bratchild with my parents and go to the beach for a long weekend with our best friends and the girl half’s parents. I am going to eat and drink margaritas and lay in the sun and possibly not bathe the whole time.
    I had the whole precancerous cervix cells and was TERRIFIED. The most annoying part? My ob’s office does a lot of medical research and they were all up in my grill about paying me like $50 for me to do a 6 week test with various cremes up in my who-ha.
    I mean, I may be a cheap date, but not THAT cheap.

  78. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! That sounds like a lot of fun with your doctor! I can’t believe you didn’t go for it πŸ˜‰

    Also, beach vacation FOR THE WIN!

  79. On April 10th, 2010 at 2:42 pm Amy Mayfield Says:

    NO beach trip after all. My friend’s hubs had asked someone to go when they didn’t think I could and even though I said yes, when the guy decided he could go I got the whole bad news-you’re uninvited.
    I mean, I know I don’t always behave and occasionally cause scenes in public but at least I am entertaining.

  80. On April 9th, 2010 at 3:54 pm Maniacal Mom Says:

    That’s AWESOME! It is high time women took back being women!!! so proud to read about your journey! Hubs and I booked a 4 day vacay in Los Angels!!! Just us, no kids! Know what that means????? HOTEL SEX!

  81. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We both know how awesome hotel sex is…*wink wink, nudge, nudge*

    My only regret is that The Daver won’t be there to hump. I’ll miss the shit out of him.

    And you’re right: women NEED to take back being women and stop feeling so damn guilty about being themselves.

  82. On April 9th, 2010 at 4:28 pm Betty M Says:

    Sorry to hear of the sucky stuff which I hope resolves soon. Jealous of your getting away alone I feel lucky to get an hour for me. But that’s a brand new baby for you.

  83. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Brand-new babies are a breed unto their own. Luckily, the harder parts of having them pass soon.

  84. On April 9th, 2010 at 4:56 pm Becca Says:

    That’s wonderful, you totally deserve it!! I still feel lost among my kids sometimes, and mine are older than yours. I don’t know if that feeling ever totally goes away, but good luck!! πŸ™‚

  85. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I bet it never does fully pass, but I’m hoping that I can coexist alongside them.

  86. On April 9th, 2010 at 5:10 pm Lippy Says:

    So excited about your cruise, it sounds heavenly. I hear you on the losing yourself in parenthood. I bought new shoes and have considered buying more make-up. Tell us what you bought.

  87. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Ooooh! So, I bought some funky colored nail polish (there’s a Stones song, “She’s a Rainbow?” That’s my song, baby) and some fancy lip plumping stuff. I also bought a regenerating facial mask that’s supposed to be a mini-peel. Because OBVIOUSLY.

    And mascara, although I’m not terribly keen on it. It’s supposed to make your lashes longer by having 2 coats, but really, it’s just sort of weird. Not too happy with it.

  88. On April 9th, 2010 at 7:06 pm Angela Christensen Says:

    Always happy to hear about you being happy. You do a considerable amount to brighten the light of those in your weirdly virtual circle of (what are we? friends? online buds? pranksters?) peeps, possibly more than you even know, now and then. Have a good time, wear some blue eye shadow and tell us all about it. XXOO
    Angie at Eat Here

  89. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You guys–like it or not–are my friends. And happiness is wonderful. We should all be happier.

  90. On April 9th, 2010 at 8:17 pm ann Says:

    Man, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with the stress of PTSD and precancerous cells and getting counseling on working with Ben’s autism. It’s SO GOOD that you’re doing these good, happy-making things for yourself amid all this stress. Hopefully it’ll make dealing with all the rough shit a little easier. Big, big hugs to you. You are the bomb dot com.

    Things here are going pretty well. We’re having our first cookout of the season this Sunday, and I am seriously stoked for it. Two words: mini crabcakes. Two more: with aioli. Which means I have to learn how to make an aioli, but that’s cool, because I’ve been wanting to learn how to make an aioli, because it’s so fucking tasty. So, y’know, that’s my exciting life. My kid’s almost 9 weeks old, so I’m sort of starting the identity-loss slide. So aiolis and other random cooking geekiness are all I have to myself right now. That’s okay, though. For now.

  91. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:15 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think you’re doing well, duder. If your kid is 9 weeks old and you’re cooking? AWESOME. At 9 weeks, I was always blearily swimming through life. ALWAYS.

  92. On April 9th, 2010 at 8:21 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    You know I love your posts on Bringing Aunt Becky Back!

    A vacation?! Yeaa!!! Have a blast and plenty of Rum Runners for me!

    Me, I’m OK. Trying to nail down a routine that will give me 4 hours a week I can blog and write. Kind of hard due to all the reasons you mentioned above. But I’m no quitter, damn it! I’ll figure it out.

    Have a great weekend!

  93. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Of course you will! Most of my posts are written while my crotch parasites are grabbing at my legs and sitting on my lap, banging on the keyboard. You can DO it.

  94. On April 9th, 2010 at 8:54 pm Barbara Says:

    It’s sometimes hard to think about ourselves, but it’s gotta be done every now and then. I’m happy you’re treating yourself Aunt Becky. Have fun on that cruise!

  95. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s so easy to forget that we’re people, too. xoxo

  96. On April 9th, 2010 at 9:35 pm Megan Says:

    Q-Tip is 17 mo old now and I swear to God…for the last 17 mo I feel like I’ve been white knuckling it trying not to lose “me”.

    UGH…it’s freakin killin me!

    And oh the mommy guilt for holding on.

    Kudos to you for going on WW and for going on a vacay by yourself!

    Someday I will…someday!


  97. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The older they get, the more you can reclaim you. I swear it.

  98. On April 10th, 2010 at 7:02 am Alice Brody Says:

    I’ve been Momin’ it for 9 years and am about to go back to work, too. I’m skeered but it’s necessary. I’m getting a divorce and I have 4 kids…..sooooooo, there’s that:). I’m actually as excited as I am terrified. New chapter and all that crap.

    LOVE Weight Watchers. It helped me lose the 50 pounds of baby weight after all 4. I have a ridiculously vast knowledge of how many points obscure foods are. I don’t go to the meetings anymore, though. I got shunned when I stopped going to the meetings during the pregnancies and I was like “fuck you, mother fuckers”. So now I just work the points and I’m good.

    I’m glad to hear you’re going on vacation. Last Spring my girlfriend and I traveled all the way from our beautiful Arkansas (I’m serious…..Arkansas is B-U-tiful, yo. No haters) to Laguna Beach. It was bliss. We need that shit to keep us going. Yeah, yeah, yeah….my kids smiles and giggles are awesome too but every once in a while Momma needs to watch the sunset on the beach with a glass of wine and her buds. Good for you;D.

  99. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I do the online WW because seriously, not a meetings person. I’m kinda a lone wolf anyway and I don’t really need the support. Or if I do, I’m too stubborn to take it, heh.

    New chapters, new beginnings. Sounds like all good things for you!

  100. On April 10th, 2010 at 10:38 am Sabreena Says:

    I commend you. I am waiting for the opportunity to find myself again as well. My search may start back in college but I’m not sure yet.

    I am so jealous of your vacay. I have friends but no one I like enough to go away with so I get stuck with hub-cations or worse yet family vacations. Sorry to hear about your cells. It seems no matter what bad always seems to be right on the heels of good in our lives. Stay strong girl.

  101. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    College is awesome. I MISS school desperately. Like, with all my ickle heart. You should DO it. (what are you going back for?)

  102. On April 10th, 2010 at 11:10 am Katie Krank Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your set backs with your health and the kids…sometimes they are more emotionally draining than the original problem.

    Sounds like you’re well on the way to getting your groove back! We’re all behind you and know that not only will you get through it’ll kick ass Becky style!

  103. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Acknowledging that I was struggling seemed to do the trick and I’m already feeling much better. Thank you so much.


  104. On April 10th, 2010 at 10:35 am Kristin Says:

    Man, that has been a rough month.

    Overall, I’m doing pretty damned good. I don’t get my vacation alone until August (BlogHer, bay bee) so I am seriously jealous! I hope you have a fantabulous time.

  105. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We are gonna ROCK BlogHer!

  106. On April 10th, 2010 at 11:05 am Gadgerson Says:

    You fucking rock!! I just have to say that to you. Much love. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  107. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Aww *blushes*

    Thank you!

  108. On April 10th, 2010 at 12:04 pm katrina Says:

    awww, shit, aunt becky ( i love that!!– you are the only aunt i have)….sorry about all the heavy negative hurdles life has thrown in your path. i know it will all work out. for many years i have worked with students with autism, and really, the most important thing is to start early….(don’t be discouraged, there’s a lot of crap information out there—-each child is an individual little human, with or without autism…they will amaze you and go so much farther than you ever thought possible!!) And finally, taking a vacation alone is the BEST IDEA !!! You deserve it, you need it, and i’m JEALOUS—-currently my life is consumed by a contaminated well…..(giardia is NO fun) and most recently we’ve discovered our septic is leaking……….yuck

  109. On April 10th, 2010 at 1:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Giardia SUCKS. We found out that we had it RIGHT after I brought Alex home from the hospital (we fostered kittens for a local rescue). Wow. WOW. Not fun to treat. Holy fuckballs.

    And I’m thinking Prankster Cruise next year!

  110. On April 10th, 2010 at 2:07 pm Leslee Says:

    And also? I’m an insensitive asshat who forgot to say that I hope everything with the precancerous cells gets worked out SOON and that it never evolves itself into anything more. You must be flipping out w/worry. :-/ And if you’re ever in the mood to worry about life threatening crap that doesn’t involve your hoo-hoo, you can totally come stay with me in Flint for a while. My cats can entertain you with their awesomeness. πŸ™‚

  111. On April 10th, 2010 at 2:23 pm Mystern Says:

    Awesomeness for going on the cruise! Marque and I scheduled our first for this September. Mainly cause that’s when I’ll have the time off work and the tickets were DIRT (laced with gold nuggets) CHEAP.

  112. On April 10th, 2010 at 2:23 pm Mystern Says:

    As a side note, WTF is with the avatar I always get when leaving a comment on your blog?

  113. On April 10th, 2010 at 2:45 pm Paul Lundgren Says:

    I’m sitting in my living room with the World’s Sweetest Cat in my lap, I ran 3 miles earlier today, and I’m below 280 pounds for the first time in about 12 years. Life is awfully good. Your most loyal pranksters send you big, sloppy kisses: be well, Becky.

  114. On April 10th, 2010 at 4:22 pm Shin Ae Says:

    Aunt Becky, I am excited for your good stuff and the hurdles, well, I, for one, am glad you’re scrappy. Keep going, girl. You are going to get through this.

    You know what? My cervix is all high-needs, too. Totally stressful.

  115. On April 10th, 2010 at 4:26 pm Shin Ae Says:

    I agree with the other commenter who said it’s good to do the good things for yourself in the middle of all this. Yes. I very much agree.

  116. On April 11th, 2010 at 9:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Stupid high-needs cervix. We should punch them.

  117. On April 10th, 2010 at 3:43 pm Jessi Louise Says:

    So jealous about your vacation! But I’m happy for you. You deserve a chance to relax! So is Richard Simmons going to be on this cruise? That would make for some great blog material.

  118. On April 10th, 2010 at 7:42 pm MamaCas Says:

    Doing great over here! My boy turned TEN today. Yes, folks…we’ve hit the double digits! Puberty is JUST around the corner. Whoopeee!

    Anyway, to celebrate his big milestone birthday, we are headed to DisneyWorld next month….I can’t WAIT!

  119. On April 11th, 2010 at 12:43 am Kate Says:

    How I’m doing isn’t going to be discussed publicly. You, however, have a never-ending invitation to my private blog, so get your little behind over there & read it, for criminy’s sake! I know, I know, if it’s not on google reader, you forget, and 99% of the time, that’s fine ‘cuz I’m not saying anything important, anyway. But the post that went up yesterday? Pretty effing important. Please read it.

    Thanks, Aunt Becky.

  120. On April 11th, 2010 at 4:01 am Cass Says:

    Im doing alright thank Aunt Becks
    Tired from work
    Had an awesome bitch session on the phone with a girlfriend
    Cooking dinner now
    Pooooppp have work at 6:30am tomoz
    Argued with my BFF. Well not really but kind of
    Listened to a friend tell me some problems
    My ribs still hurt from a tattoo i got yesterday before work which meant i couldnt wear a bra to work
    Yeah im hot like that
    Annndd ahhh thats it
    Im also on a quest to loose some poundage, which would be easier if i was getting some actual poundage (Ooo)
    I guess the alcohol diet just isnt workin for me, ha

  121. On April 11th, 2010 at 9:43 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    “Im also on a quest to loose some poundage, which would be easier if i was getting some actual poundage (Ooo).”

    Bwahahahaha! I love you. Madly.

  122. On April 11th, 2010 at 9:01 am moonspun Says:

    I am more and more convinced that life is just one blindside against another that challenges us in between our actual plans.

  123. On April 11th, 2010 at 9:47 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The older I get, the more I agree with you. At first, I thought it was just bad luck. Now, I just think it’s life.

  124. On April 11th, 2010 at 5:03 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Don’t worry about the scar stretching; that’s just her being too full of THE AWESOME for her own good. Let her listen to some Air Supply and her levels will go down enough to stop the expansion.

  125. On April 11th, 2010 at 5:03 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Don’t worry about the scar stretching; that’s just her being too full of THE AWESOME for her own good. Let her listen to some Air Supply and her levels will go down enough to stop the expansion.

  126. On April 12th, 2010 at 2:04 am Manda Says:

    Last week I threw out my baby’s father for good. It was white trash-tastic complete with a big scene and the police.

    It’s officially just me and my daughter.

    Today, to celebrate my last day of maternity leave, I did a topless burlesque photo shoot with artist Herb Ascherman Jr. If that’s not egocentric I don’t know what is.

    (I missed my baby the whole time.)

    Yep, we’re gonna be just fine.

  127. On April 12th, 2010 at 10:13 am Amanda Says:

    Found it for ya πŸ™‚

    Can I just say I do believe the very best part of the description is the:
    “Each adjustable baseball cap has an attached ponytail of hair sticking out the back for extra warmth and extra awesome-ness!”

    Because 1.) who the heck gets this for the warmth!? and 2.) extra awesome-ness?! YES PLEASE

    ps fuck the cancer fuckiddy fuckers…we should throw our cervix’s (what’s the correct plural of cervix?!) overboard on that shanzzy trip of yours!

  128. On April 12th, 2010 at 11:30 am anne Says:

    Chere Tatie Becky

    I am so glad you are taking these vacations.
    With all the things you are dealing with, most people wouldn’t have only lost themselves, they would have totally lost it too! You are doing a wonderful job. Good luck with everything xxxxx

  129. On April 14th, 2010 at 2:57 am Mwa Says:

    Well, I’m doing great after reading that marvellous post of yours. Sounds like you are hatching some excellent plans there. I am ridiculously jealous of your holiday, though. May need to get one of them for myself.

  130. On April 14th, 2010 at 7:40 am thefightingmonk Says:

    Hiya Becks! What’s shakin’?

  131. On April 15th, 2010 at 9:31 pm Amy Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,

    Been silently stalking, AHEM, reading you for quite some time now, but was forced to break the silence at the mention of the Uncrustables baby. Seriously, I would love to see you make the Guiness Book of World Records for first Uncrustable baby. You could go on a world tour and be a big star. I smile at the thought of it.

    PS: I can’t go to Target and look at Uncrustables without thinking of you. Thanks for making life on the Internetz merry!



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