Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I Love You Baby, But Get Out.


Full Moon Tonight: Check (unproven scientifically, but as nurse and former waitress must agree with it, as have experienced it)

Cervix Softening: Check

Baby Full Term: Check

Number of (documented by hospital records) Times Baby Has Tried To Kill Me: Twice

Dreams of Gigantic 18 lb Babies Being Ejected by Crotch: One (which beats the 60 lb baby dreams I had with Ben. Wait, that was a fantasy)

Hospital Bags Packed: One (last time, simply threw pile of cheeseburgers haphazardly into plastic sack and hoped for the best)

Baby Settling into Pelvis (thereby making me have to pee 1 tbsp every 4 seconds): Check

Increased Need for Semen in Vagina Because Someone, Somewhere Promised that Semen Brings on Labor: Check (poor husband is home from work for exact purpose. Was considering donor sperm if husband not available until it was made clear that you HAVE TO PAY FOR DONOR SPERM. Totally unaware that people could CHARGE for SPOOGE)

Mucus Plug/Bloody Show: Likely intact, although may be coming out of nose

Emotions Range from Stark Raving Mad to Weeping Uncontrollably: Check

Number of Times Husband Has Threatened Divorce: Miraculously, none, although am sure will be summarily paid back when shoulder surgery occurs.

Laundry Piled Up, Needing To Be Put Away: Currently two baskets. Hoping that if labor occurs, husband will have to do it himself for the first time in three years. Scratch that, as I will end up with 5 year old son’s clothes in my closet. Mental note: must put away laundry today.

Desire For Whole Bottle of Beer: Growing by the minute. Know it is bad as Icehouse is sounding tastee.

Jealousy of People Who Have Scheduled C-Sections Before Actual Due Date: Growing by the second.

Disgust with Pants with Elastic Waistbands: Almost epic proportions. Cannot wait to leave them behind. Cannot believe that once thought that they were ‘Å“comfortable’ and ‘Å“kinda cute.’ Annoyed with previous naivety.

Plans For Evicting Baby, Beginning Today:

Sex, or alternately, turkey baster insemination.

Getting involved in huge, massive, messy project, knowing that this is likely the time water could break (would normally have lit cigarette, but have quit smoking)

Locating trampoline and jumping (likely injuring self)

And my favorite:

The Branch Davidians Method: Planning to loudly play Alice Cooper, Corrosion of Conformity, Peter Fucking Frampton, Rush, Any Smoove Jazz I Can Find, Phil Collins, etc to belly. Hoping he will take the hint and decide to come out and turn that motherfucking shit DOWN, motherfucker.

Anything else?

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