Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Because I Am Too Tired For A Proper Post


*While my daughter is proving herself to be an excellent sleeper–by which I mean she’s only up 2-3 times a night versus her brother at that age who was up 5-274 times–my darling middle son is making up for all that sleep I’d be getting by refusing to sleep in.

*The plus side to sleep deprivation is that it makes me almost calm. No longer am I annoyed by the constant watching of Wow, Wow Wubzy DVD’s or my 7 year olds smart mouth (please tell me this is an age/stage thing? PLEASE?). No. Now I am downright placid. Serene, even.

*Just spent my kid’s college fund on buying a swing set for the backyard. One of those that will probably take up most of my backyard. My neighbors will thank me, I’m sure. It’ll make the party on APRIL 19th even cooler, right? (the keg will help, I’m sure)

*For the past week and a half, Alex has woken up from his nap hysterical (Back story: kid takes one 45 minute nap a day. Period) where even the promise of his beloved chocolate doesn’t help him get through it (because bribery = awesome parenting!). He screams and he cries and nothing helps and I feel just horrible for the hour or so that it goes on. I don’t know what to do.

*Rather than find someone to come to my house and watch Alex in the mornings for me so that I can listen to him whine for me from the other room, we started him in some in-home daycare for three hours a day. While he wasn’t thrilled initially, he now loves it.

*Thanks in no small part to the in-home daycare, we are all now sick with the first of many, many colds.

*Although I see a multitude of doctors (no, I do not have Munchausen’s. Just crap-matic genes**) my favorite waiting room is at my endocrinologist. There is no better place to people watch than this waiting room, I’m convinced. It’s like watching animals in the zoo. I’m also pretty sure that this means that people are probably looking at me while I sit there and thinking the same thing. Sweet ass.

*I’ve stopped swearing as much as I did before. This is kind of making me feel not only old, but lame. On the upside, though, Ben has stopped yelling “DAMNIT!” when he drops things.

*I spent some time yesterday in my garden for the first time since I was very slightly pregnant with Amelia and I have a special piece of advice for you: after tying up your climbing roses to a trellis and receiving more than a few pokes in the process, it is not wise to then go inside and douse your hands with alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

*If possible, tie up your climbing roses the winter BEFORE. I was too big to do so last year and I’m seriously paying for it now. Also: my roses can kick your roses ass. They’re unreal.

*Why yes, I do garden.

*Why no, I am not an old woman. I will be 29 in July. SHUT UP, THAT IS NOT OLD.

*Chalked up to the I’m So Suburban It Hurts category, The Daver and I are seriously considering buying a mini-van. Because yeah. Trying to cram 3 kids in my CR-V is laughable at best and futile at worst. Anything I should know (besides the fact that I am suddenly even lamer than lame when I buy one.)?

*How flipping cool would it be to put flames on my mini-van? Don’t answer that one.

*Another word to the wise: STEP AWAY FROM THE SCALE. IT WILL ONLY DEPRESS YOU. Also: I SO need to go on a diet.

*My daughter, oh she of the cradle cap and acne, will only fall asleep while someone holds her. Normal people might be annoyed by this as it takes a good long while and often makes your arms fall asleep. But after dealing with Alex’s sleep issues, this seems like a cinch. Perspective, it is invaluable.


So, Internet, what’s on YOUR mind today? Spill your beans.

**I initially spelled this jeans.

Down and Dirrty


Rather than sitting around in a Tylenol 3 haze (yeah. Tylenol fucking 3. They might as well have given me snake oil and Skittles. And boy, OH BOY, were they harsh about handing that out) and feeling acutely sorry for myself, which is actually what I have been doing since Saturday, I decided to turn that frown upside down, motherfucker, and take care of some motherfucking business.

Even I have my limits of feeling so sorry for myself and I hit it yesterday in the ER while I wept openly and loudly as the poor insurance dude tried to extract the handy Blue Cross from my grubby hands. I was unable to get it for myself as the nurse practitioner thought it fit to elevate my shame level to Extreme Shame by inserting a foley catheter into my delicate bladder. WITH NO PAIN MEDS. If you’ve had one before while you were able to feel it, you’ll know the excruciating pain that this causes.

This was before they realized I had a massive bladder infection.

So yes, if you were sitting in the ER in the room next to mine (you’d know mine because it had one of two bathrooms on the floor entrance in it. Which made things EVEN better. Nothing says “I LOVE life!!” like having to sit writhing in pain WHILE LISTENING TO SOME GERIATRIC BLOW ASS!) I apologize for the weeping and moaning. You see, I was ALONE and IN PAIN and full of THE SHAME.

I’m still fairly under the weather as far as pain and general malaise goes, but I refuse to sit around moping and groaning. So I did the only thing I could think to do: I hoisted my swollen guts up from the computer (I look about 5 months pregnant right now), I planted some patches on the lawn and once the sun goes down I’m going to plant me some motherfucking roses.

The people that we bought our house from appeared to be allergic to any yard work, something we didn’t realize when we moved in during February (not this year, thankyouGod), and left us with some awesome chores. Like a rose bush so overgrown that my next door neighbors put up some trellises to block the view. And massive patches in the back lawn from a trampoline and rabid (I can only imagine) dogs that I could safely have moved my queen-sized bed into. And bridal bushes so wild that they killed the grass for 7 feet in front of them.

The latter is what was taken care of today and I feel pretty pleased with myself (when don’t I?).

I’m not going to call this a comeback or anything, well, maybe I am, but it looks like the Universe is righting itself again for me. Must have been the bourbon and hot dogs I promised it.

What do you guys do to make yourself feel better when you’re down in the dumps and feeling rather pathetically pathetic?

Under My (Green) Thumb


Finally, FINALLY after many years months of winter (you know, every single winter, towards the end, I wonder what the hell we’re thinking living here. Winters are long and frigid, summers are sweltering and unbearable) we had our first nice weekend since the fall. It was funny, all of my neighbors trickled outside while I was out front with the kids, we all looked a bit doughy and larva-like, squinting in the sun, and we very nearly assembled a block party to celebrate the oncoming spring (FINALLY).

And I was able to realize a 2 year old dream: I was finally able to get down -n- durrty in the garden.

It’s shocking to most people that I know, and I imagine the Internet drawing in a collective breath when I inform you that I am an avid (but novice) gardener and that I don’t just pay someone else to do it for me (much, MUCH more my MO for stuff that involves work and stuff) AND that I don’t burst into flames when presented with direct sunlight.

Apparently, this love of gardening runs in my family. My grandfather had his own greenhouse, I spent most of my spring, summer and fall as a child at the local botanical gardens (Aptly called The Chicago Botanical Gardens), my mother has always tended and grown nice gardens, and there is very little that makes me feel more alive than walking into the warm, wet humidity of a greenhouse. If I could bottle that smell up and wear it (much to Dave’s dismay) I would do it in a second.

The past two years have not afforded me much gardening time, first I was hugely pregnant last spring THEN I gave birth to what my father calls “Devil Boy” who is not only an albino (not really) but was a complete dick head last summer so that I couldn’t get out and do my thang. Sure, some of my (pathetic) bulbs from the previous year did come up, but I spent almost no time weeding or playing them Brahms urging them to grow as I normally would.

Although I have a knack for it (and not a black thumb like The Daver), I am still puzzling certain things.

Mainly, do I buy bulbs in bulk (I’m planning a cala lilly/rose garden) from the hardware store OR do I shell out more cash and buy cala lilly bulbs from The Internet (which not only costs a bit more, but denies me the instant gratification of going and buying them right away)? Or is it just a scam for eager novices such as myself?

What do I need to know about standard roses? Partial sun? Fertilizer? I’m not planning to cross breed them or anything truly interesting (I need my own greenhouse before I can do this), I just want one to three rose bushes to intermix with the cala lilies (I’ve completely given up on the annual thing for anything but the many, many hanging baskets I will eventually have).

Any advice? I’ve tried to read up on it on my own, and have gotten absolutely nowhere. Apparently, the books and articles are written in a language I can’t possibly understand (maybe it’s ENGLISH).


(P.S. Ross, please put on a diaper)

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