Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Down and Dirrty


Rather than sitting around in a Tylenol 3 haze (yeah. Tylenol fucking 3. They might as well have given me snake oil and Skittles. And boy, OH BOY, were they harsh about handing that out) and feeling acutely sorry for myself, which is actually what I have been doing since Saturday, I decided to turn that frown upside down, motherfucker, and take care of some motherfucking business.

Even I have my limits of feeling so sorry for myself and I hit it yesterday in the ER while I wept openly and loudly as the poor insurance dude tried to extract the handy Blue Cross from my grubby hands. I was unable to get it for myself as the nurse practitioner thought it fit to elevate my shame level to Extreme Shame by inserting a foley catheter into my delicate bladder. WITH NO PAIN MEDS. If you’ve had one before while you were able to feel it, you’ll know the excruciating pain that this causes.

This was before they realized I had a massive bladder infection.

So yes, if you were sitting in the ER in the room next to mine (you’d know mine because it had one of two bathrooms on the floor entrance in it. Which made things EVEN better. Nothing says “I LOVE life!!” like having to sit writhing in pain WHILE LISTENING TO SOME GERIATRIC BLOW ASS!) I apologize for the weeping and moaning. You see, I was ALONE and IN PAIN and full of THE SHAME.

I’m still fairly under the weather as far as pain and general malaise goes, but I refuse to sit around moping and groaning. So I did the only thing I could think to do: I hoisted my swollen guts up from the computer (I look about 5 months pregnant right now), I planted some patches on the lawn and once the sun goes down I’m going to plant me some motherfucking roses.

The people that we bought our house from appeared to be allergic to any yard work, something we didn’t realize when we moved in during February (not this year, thankyouGod), and left us with some awesome chores. Like a rose bush so overgrown that my next door neighbors put up some trellises to block the view. And massive patches in the back lawn from a trampoline and rabid (I can only imagine) dogs that I could safely have moved my queen-sized bed into. And bridal bushes so wild that they killed the grass for 7 feet in front of them.

The latter is what was taken care of today and I feel pretty pleased with myself (when don’t I?).

I’m not going to call this a comeback or anything, well, maybe I am, but it looks like the Universe is righting itself again for me. Must have been the bourbon and hot dogs I promised it.

What do you guys do to make yourself feel better when you’re down in the dumps and feeling rather pathetically pathetic?

32 Comments to

“Down and Dirrty”

  1. On May 6th, 2008 at 2:22 pm Ames Says:

    I usually go shopping and buy myself something nice, or take a nice bath, have a glass of wine and curl up with a good book. I hope you are feeling better soon, bladder infections are just not fun at all. *hugs*

    P.S. Nurses who put foleys in without pain meds should be shot. I almost strangled a nurse for doing that to me once. 🙂

  2. On May 6th, 2008 at 2:52 pm kbreints Says:

    Go get a pedicure! Having someone else clean & rub my feet for half an hour always makes me feel better!

  3. On May 6th, 2008 at 2:52 pm tash Says:

    I usually drink some muthafuckin’ red wine and eat chocolate. But I’m thinking this weekend I’ll try and plant some muthafuckin’ plants myself. Good inspiration, you.

    And geez peez, pain on top of pain. I’m so sorry, it sounds like a terrible day.

  4. On May 6th, 2008 at 2:57 pm b Says:

    YOU GOT A FUCKING CATHETER WITH NO PAIN MEDS? What a bitch. We should wait for that whore to get off of work and gang bitch slap her. I will bring a water hose, we’ll give her a motherfucking catheter too!
    Do? Do something when I’m depressed? Honey, that’s what the zoloft and wellbutrin are for. : ) Or, I can come over here and read your blog.

  5. On May 6th, 2008 at 3:04 pm Five Husbands Says:

    Okay everyone – someone hurt our Aunt Becky – what are we going to do?

  6. On May 6th, 2008 at 3:11 pm Cassie Says:

    I agree with previous posters…I eat tons of chocolate or drink some wine. I also agree that bitchslapping that nurse would probably make you feel a hell of a lot better! I hope you are feeling better soon!

  7. On May 6th, 2008 at 3:12 pm Rayne of Terror Says:

    First I eat the leftovers, then I eat the ice cream, then I’ll make mac n cheese with a can of tuna. Then I feel absolutely sick and watch hours of the worst kinds of television. Before kids (and when I was skinny) I smoked, drank gin and tonics, and cleaned the house. OMG, I am both my parents.

  8. On May 6th, 2008 at 3:14 pm Karen Says:

    um…Margaritas. And a lot of them.

  9. On May 6th, 2008 at 3:15 pm kalakly Says:

    No one messes with Aunt Becky…no way, no how. You give us her name and we’ll give her the enema she has coming, followed by a big muthereffin boot up her ass then see if she wants some pain meds….
    I love motherfuckin roses, they’re my favorite variety:)

    Oh and when I am feeling blue, a nice big Capt & Coke(diet of course) usually does the trick!

  10. On May 6th, 2008 at 3:15 pm sillycakes Says:

    I’m a geek. I play Sims 2 and torture the little bastards until I feel better. It’s cheaper than therapy.


  11. On May 6th, 2008 at 3:15 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    Good music.
    Good books.
    Strong drinks.

    They all work .. . .:)

  12. On May 6th, 2008 at 3:42 pm andria Says:

    PF Changs. PF Changs has ridiculously priced noodles and pear mojitos and some sort of banana egg roll that should be a sin to eat. Of course, the nearest PF CHangs is over an hour away so I have to be pretty dern unhappy to make the drive over there. Or it be my birthday or something.

    And nothing says feeling better more than a six pack of beer and bag of potato chips.

    Oh, and vicodin.

    I still can’t believe you got a freaking foley without meds. I was even told to take meds to have one removed. Yikes.

  13. On May 6th, 2008 at 3:50 pm electriclady Says:

    Box mac and cheese, eaten directly from the pot, while sitting in front of terrible television. Wine. Then half a pint of chocolate ice cream. Shopping used to be fun but that was before I had a kid.

  14. On May 6th, 2008 at 5:11 pm Holly Says:

    You are a beautiful and strong woman. I am glad to “know” you.

    Your angel and mine are playing together.

    I’m honored to be on your blog roll. 🙂

    Oh and I’ll meet you out back to f-up the wench in the ER.

  15. On May 6th, 2008 at 7:13 pm Backpacking Dad Says:

    Write poetry about puppies and kittens and rainbows.

    No. That was a typo. That should have read “drink lots of booze and piss on things.”

  16. On May 6th, 2008 at 7:57 pm Katy Says:

    When I am feeling down and pathetic? And I need to pick myself up? Go to a movie. Then I come home and clean. Hell, it’s better than drinking a case of beer, which can seem like a good idea, until the next day when you are down and pathetic and hung over on top of it. Movies, and comfort food, in a clean house. Movies. Seriously. And some snuggles with my girls. Seriously, the kids help ALOT!

    I’m glad you are finding ways to bring you out of your funk. You’ve had some rotten luck. Go kiss and hug those kids of yours. Then tell the Daver to take them out of your hair while you watch some movies, and eat everything in site, in a Tylenol 3 induced haze!!

    Hang in there. You are doing great.

  17. On May 6th, 2008 at 9:23 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Read, write, quilt, plant, soak, swim, shower, bead, read/write blogs, sing, color, paint, cook, tickle the Evil Genius and soak up the laughter, snuggle with the Evil Genius, crochet a house-cozy, walk in the woods, take photographs, hang out with my girlfriends, pet the cats, play a flute, drum…and mostly…endure. My epitaph (if I have one) will probably read “I’ll muddle through somehow…”

    Keep on slogging…

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  18. On May 6th, 2008 at 9:39 pm Jenn Says:

    I throw myself a pity party online so all my bloggy buddies will say nice things to me. And then I play with the kids and eat a lot of ice cream.

  19. On May 6th, 2008 at 9:41 pm Heather Says:

    Jeez, I’d hire someone to plant the damn gardens while I sat under an umbrella drinking mint juleps! At least take a ridiculously hot bath until your fingers prune to make your tum feel better.

  20. On May 6th, 2008 at 9:46 pm Dolores Schwartz Says:

    I like to make fun of people… ha ha!! Joke… Acutally I pick up a book and read and for a couple of hours… I can escape into a world of romance, fantasy, HARRY Potter…
    Or I read other people’s blogs…
    Acutally I do make fun of people…But, only ONE PERSON I LIke to make fun of my husband’s ex that THINKS she looks barbie and she really looks like a beach whale that tries to stick her ASS into clothes that don’t fit her…. See, I feel better already…. HAHA!!! OK that was mean I am NOT a mean person but, you have NO idea what she has put me through… SIGH… OK this is about you and NOT me!! I am sorry you had to face indignities… And I am sorry you are in pain! I will send you happy healing thoughts!

    All seriousness… I read, garden or run… 😛

  21. On May 6th, 2008 at 9:53 pm c. Says:

    Ouch, hon. I’m doing kegals (sp???) just thinking about the pain that nurse put you in.

    As for what I do to feel better? Fuck if I know. Everything I’ve tried for the last six months has done shit, if truth be told. Even the pedicure high only lasted as long as it took my toenails to dry.

  22. On May 6th, 2008 at 10:37 pm Sara Says:

    I project too. Or go shoe shopping. And if you need more pain meds, they give them out here at the military hospital like other pharmacies give out amoxicillan. (Except to me, cause I’m a pill seeker, supposedly!)

  23. On May 7th, 2008 at 8:09 am heather Says:

    I have a crazy bitch fest with my sister. I tell her all my problems, she tells me hers, and then we lambast our neighbors. Then I make my husband order pizza for dinner. Vegging in front of the tv or computer make me feel worse though, sort of lethargic.

  24. On May 7th, 2008 at 9:26 am Victoria Says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry – what a shitty situation all around. Not that it helps, but I’ve been thinking of you.

    What do I do? Spend money and nap.

  25. On May 7th, 2008 at 9:42 am Dolores Schwartz Says:

    I forgot something… I DRINK and I DRINK a good bit… When I have the perma grin… Yep that is when life is really good!!

  26. On May 7th, 2008 at 10:15 am elthecubbiechick Says:

    I am so sorry to hear about the Cath! Ouch -more like mother-fucking ouch!
    To feel better I like to watch Mel Brooks movies while drinking heavily.
    I hope you kicked the yards booty into shape! 🙂

  27. On May 7th, 2008 at 10:44 am kim Says:


    ramdom bad mouthing of someone I don’t like

    knocking the shit outta the er nurse who harmed my Aunt Becky.

  28. On May 7th, 2008 at 10:56 am Mrs.Spit Says:

    Hey, so with a bladder infection, you need to drink and pee lots. What’s the best way to make this happen, Beer, my friend, beer. And I bet with the T3’s, you might take the edge off.

    Good for you with the gardening!

  29. On May 7th, 2008 at 11:38 am DOC Says:

    Apparently killing kittens….

  30. On May 7th, 2008 at 3:10 pm niobe Says:

    If you figure out anything that works, be sure to let me know. ‘Cause me, I just sulk. Or read books with really big words.

  31. On May 7th, 2008 at 5:39 pm honeywine Says:

    OUCH! Fortunately, I’ve been knocked cold for all my catheters. But hose removal kills me, especially the drainage hose for my gastric bypass. It was like having a snake wrapped in your intestines. Yucky.

  32. On May 8th, 2008 at 12:25 pm magpie Says:

    Gardening is a good one. Wine is another.

    Feel better.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...