In college, I had to take what I called, “Bible Class” and it was the first time I actually cracked open the Bible. Well, other than the times I read aloud random passages from the hotel rooms I was staying in (much, I should add, to the chagrin to whomever I happened to be staying with). Thank you I say now, oh wily Gideon’s, for supplying me with Bibles to read from to annoy my fellow travelers with.

I read the book cover to cover and learned a lot about what the rest of the religious world was talking about. Things that most of you probably just inherently knew, but for someone like me who grew up saying “Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat” as a bastardized version of Grace, I simply was flabbergasted. There really is, I should add now, no fucking separation of church and state.

Anyway. I married someone who grew up in a family who is so religious that they’re probably still reeling from the PTSD from meeting me and finding out that yes, their son loves a heathen.

For Ash Wednesday one year, I was working on the floor and the pastor happened to be walking around giving out the cross on the forehead, and in the name of Trying Something New, I had decided to give up using “fuck” for Lent. It should go without saying that I am not Catholic, but I was reading the Bible and figured that it was a good idea to TRY it out.

Aunt Becky Gives Up The Eff Word:

The Daver: “What’s on your forehead?”

Aunt Becky: “Ashes.”

The Daver: “From?”

Aunt Becky: “I gave up using “fuck” for Lent.”

The Daver: “You know that means you can’t say it, right?”

Aunt Becky: “FUCK.”

Lent FAIL.

Aunt Becky Goes Crucifix Shopping:

The Daver: “Shit, I need to pick up something for the Christening on Sunday. Can you pick up something for my new Goddaughter?”

Aunt Becky: “Something…?”

The Daver: “Just go to the religious store in town and get her something.”

Aunt Becky: “Bwahahahahahahahahaha!”

The Daver: “You know, like a pearl something.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m going to go and get her a gigantic crucifix.”

The Daver: “No.”

Aunt Becky: “Like a gigantic BLEEDING crucifix for them to hang in her room.”

The Daver: “NO!”

Aunt Becky: “I want it to have like realistic blood and everything. I’m thinking something in the market of…8 feet tall and 6 feet wide. That should take up at least part of the wall of the nursery.”

The Daver: “Becky, that’s not funny.”

Aunt Becky: “Maybe they can hang it over her bassinet! To keep out The Devil. I think it would be lovely to watch over her.”

The Daver: “Becky, that’s really not funny at all.”

Aunt Becky: “Neither is sending me into a religious store. I don’t know FUCK about this shit, Dave. Besides, YOU are the Godfather, not me. Also, YOU are the heavenly one.”

The Daver: “Please?”

Aunt Becky: “Do you think this sort of crucifix is a custom job?”

Christening FAIL.

(ed note: Dave didn’t speak to me for an entire week. Also, I bought the kid a nice bracelet with a tasteful non-gory cross on it.)

What religion will Aunt Becky mess up next?

It’s like Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? except with RELIGION.

Anyway, in order to redeem myself, I made YOU, my Pranksters, some new cards for Easter. I think there are also some other ones in my Love, Aunt Becky line on my sidebar. Feel free to take as you see fit because I am a giver.

Now, enjoy the cards, Pranksters.

Last night after Dave and I watched a very nail-biting episode of American Idol (and by “nail biting” I mean, I do not know why I don’t just punch myself in the face with lemons until they really start singing instead of watching the auditions), I sat down nearish to him.

(pat pat pat) “The back of your head is entirely flat at the top.”

The Daver (ignoring me entirely)(duh): “Yeah?”

Aunt Becky: “Yeah. And the top kinda makes you look like Predator.”

The Daver (still absentmindedly pecking away on his Blackberry): “Yeah?”

Aunt Becky: “I bet your mom dropped you on your head a lot.”

The Daver: “That explains a lot.”

Aunt Becky (giggles): “You know, we could get you one of those helmets they put kids in now to reshape your skull! Those kids look so CUTE!”

The Daver: “NO.”

Aunt Becky (laughing): “Can you IMAGINE walking around with one of those helmets as an adult? I’d decorate it for you! I could write your NAME in glitter! Or put some CHICAGO FIRE emblems on it!”

Aunt Becky: *bwahahahahahaha*

The Daver: “I think my skull is done being molded.”

Aunt Becky: “Oh.”

The Daver: “So don’t get any ideas.”

Aunt Becky (small voice): “Oh.”

The Daver: “Becky? You didn’t buy me a helmet, did you?”

Aunt Becky: “….Define BUY.”

The Daver: (buries LUMPY head in hands)

Aunt Becky: “It’s okay, I’ll love you and your misshapen head no matter what! Because THAT’S WHAT I LOVE YOU MEANS. TO HAVE, HOLD, AND OBEY…

(pauses)

….Your lumpy head!”

The Daver: “You made the priest take out the ‘obey’ part. Remember?”

Aunt Becky: “That’s because I never obey you.”

The Daver: “That’s for DAMN sure.”

Now that he’s remembered that I never obey him, he won’t be as mad when he finds out that I ordered him a plagiocephaly helmet for Valentine’s Day.

I think the “I love my wife” decals and hearts will make him change him mind and he’ll decide that wearing a helmet 23 hours a day is a very good idea indeed.

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Today over at A Mother World, I talk about The Mommy Club and how I’m desperately vying to join it.

I wrote Fear and Loathing at the Post Office here. It’s funny. Please hump me because I’m feeling insecure and neeeeedy. Also, it’s my first post for Skirt!

And then, When Good Holidays Go Bad about what a pain in the ass holidays become when you become a twosome (or, heh, a threesome).

Rounding it out is my interview with the person who stole my daughter, my friend, Mrs. Soup (our daughters look THE SAME).

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Dude. Dude. Dude. DUDE. This is like having THE POPE guest post for you:

I asked Becky if I could do a guest post and she most graciously obliged. I am Lauren Leto from Texts From Last Night and TFLN has a book coming out on January 26, 2009.

You can pre-order the book for just $10 here:

We have all sorts of features in the TFLN book, most notably a “Relationship Timeline”, a “Choose Your Own Adventure” chapter and a “Hookup Flowchart”. Also, we have texts grouped into hilarious categories, such as “The Morning After” and “Grubbing Out”. Many of the texts have never been seen on the site before!

Best of all, for Mommy Wants Vodka readers, we have a category called “Don’t Let These People Near Children”.

Some of the funniest ones from that section:

(201): When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called “Myspace” and how strangers could lure you into their “den of love” thanks to clever quotes and graphics

(206): Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

(404): In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.

(972): **i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

(704): We’re pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese’s.

(919): If you’re joking I’m going to be sad

(785): I wonder what percentage of toys r us merch ultimately becomes a sex toy…

(1-785): In my case? 100%

Some funny ones that I like from other sections of the book are:

(705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

(330): I don’t know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

(215): i keep telling myself in the mirror “get undrunk”

Thanks!

Lauren Leto is the creator and co-founder of the site http://textsfromlastnight.com and http://momsmsgs.com

Today is Beaver Talk With Aunt Becky day over at Toy With Me and I’m doing a companion piece to last week’s Girl Crush. The topic? FRENEMIES. I’d love it if you’d weigh in. It’s also shockingly safe for work, because besides rocking a couple of f-bombs, I don’t even think I talk about humping or my vagina at all.

Also: what the hell is WRONG with me?

It’s called “With Enemies Like This, Who Needs Friends?”

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THEN, I guest posted on my friend Jen’s blog, “Maybe if you Just Relax,” because she is funny as shit and sweet and we have children who are roughly the same age. It’s an old post that I sent her because it’s so full of The Awesome that it needs re-running somewhere else. But, you need to go love on it and her because it’s hilarious.

I never posted the epilogue and I will do it in the comments because I will do anything for you o! Internet, my Internet.

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Tomorrow the winner to my Open Your Whore Mouth contest will be announced and THEN! I have a new contest which will be even easier to enter and it’s going to be ridiculously fun.

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And lastly, a blast from the past:

Aunt Becky: “Dude, I’m STARVING. I can’t wait to finish buying this car so we can eeeaaaattt.” (rubs stomach dramatically for effect)

Daver: “Me too.”

Aunt Becky (jokingly): “Are you saying I’m fat?”

Daver (rolls eyes, voice dripping with sarcasm) “Yes. You’re a damn beached whale.”

Aunt Becky (laughs): “Ass.”

Car salesman eyeball go back and forth and eventually become as wide as dinner plates.

Car Salesman: “So, heh-heh, how long have you been married?”

Aunt Becky begins to count on fingers as The Daver looks on, amused.

Aunt Becky: “Uhhhh….”

The Daver: “I can’t believe you don’t remember our anniversary.” (sniffs loudly for effect) “Four and a half years. We’ve been married for four and a half years.”

Aunt Becky: “No shit?”

Daver: “No shit.”

Aunt Becky: “It seems like a freaking eternity.”

Daver: “You’d better mean that in a good way…”

Aunt Becky: “Uh, heh-heh, of course, dear.”

Car Salesman looks acutely uncomfortable and makes up an excuse to get up and walk away.

Daver: “We scare people.”

Aunt Becky: “Hehe.”

Months ago, I was asked by my friend Megan who is the editor of Canadian Family Magazine and she asked if I would be down with posting on their blog, The Family Jewels. With a name like that, how could I possibly say no? I confessed to her that I wasn’t actually Canadian because I am full of honesty and integrity (unless there are diamonds involved) and she assured me that this was okay, they’d welcome me anyway.

Canadians are nice like that.

Given my choice of weeks, I chose the first week in December because I am kind of in love with the holidays and I figured that I would lose My Hardcore Edge if I told you guys how much your Aunt Becky squealed during the first snowfall. Or how misty-eyed I got every time I heard “Silent Night” or “Ave Maria.” Or how maybe how I begged The Daver to put up the Christmas tree in July.

But whatever.

I’ve written three posts for them. Satan’s Little Helper (which if you haven’t read, you should), one that will air later in the week and the one that I am most proud of. Here it is.

Just don’t tell anyone that I have feelings, okay?

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Because I am full of The Holiday Cheer, I have bugged my friend Chris Mancini to give you a copy of his book, Pacify Me, which is a great read. Even though I am not a father or in possession of a penis, I read it and loved it. Plus, it’s the holidays and you can totally give it to someone.

So, it’s giveaway time. Which makes EVERYONE happy.

Especially since this giveaway comes with an extra-awesome idea. AN INTERVIEW.

Oh yes, I am interviewing you. ALL OF YOU.

So, if you want to be entered into this giveaway, and I don’t know why you wouldn’t, because obviously, you have one week from today–December 9–to answer these questions and post my rocking button on your blog. Then come BACK here and leave a comment saying that you did so with a link to your entry. If you don’t have a blog, just answer in the comments, yo.

On December 9, at midnight, random number generator will choose a number and Chris will send you a book. Merry Christmas to you! THEN, I have another person tapped to give you stuff next week. I AM SO GENEROUS WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S STUFF!

It’s very simple.

Let’s get started, shall we?

I’m always telling you to shut your whore mouth. Now it’s time to open it.

1) Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?

2) If you had to choose one word to banish from the English language, what would it be and why?

3) If you were a flavor, what would it be?

4) What’s the most pointless annoying chore you can think of that you do on a daily/weekly basis?

5) Of all the nicknames I’ve ever had in my life, Aunt Becky is the most widely known and probably my favorite. What’s your favorite nickname? (for yourself)

6) You’re stuck on a desert island with the collective works of 5 (and only five) musical artists for the rest of your life. Who are they?

7) Everything is better with bacon. True or false?

8 ) If I could go back in time and tell Young Aunt Becky one thing, it would be that out of chaos, order will emerge. Also: tutus go with everything. What would you tell young self?