Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

We Don’t Even Charge Admission To The Freak Show (et. all)

December8

Today is Beaver Talk With Aunt Becky day over at Toy With Me and I’m doing a companion piece to last week’s Girl Crush. The topic? FRENEMIES. I’d love it if you’d weigh in. It’s also shockingly safe for work, because besides rocking a couple of f-bombs, I don’t even think I talk about humping or my vagina at all.

Also: what the hell is WRONG with me?

It’s called “With Enemies Like This, Who Needs Friends?

——————–

THEN, I guest posted on my friend Jen’s blog, “Maybe if you Just Relax,” because she is funny as shit and sweet and we have children who are roughly the same age. It’s an old post that I sent her because it’s so full of The Awesome that it needs re-running somewhere else. But, you need to go love on it and her because it’s hilarious.

I never posted the epilogue and I will do it in the comments because I will do anything for you o! Internet, my Internet.

——————

Tomorrow the winner to my Open Your Whore Mouth contest will be announced and THEN! I have a new contest which will be even easier to enter and it’s going to be ridiculously fun.

——————

And lastly, a blast from the past:

Aunt Becky: “Dude, I’m STARVING. I can’t wait to finish buying this car so we can eeeaaaattt.” (rubs stomach dramatically for effect)

Daver: “Me too.”

Aunt Becky (jokingly): “Are you saying I’m fat?”

Daver (rolls eyes, voice dripping with sarcasm) “Yes. You’re a damn beached whale.”

Aunt Becky (laughs): “Ass.”

Car salesman eyeball go back and forth and eventually become as wide as dinner plates.

Car Salesman: “So, heh-heh, how long have you been married?”

Aunt Becky begins to count on fingers as The Daver looks on, amused.

Aunt Becky: “Uhhhh….”

The Daver: “I can’t believe you don’t remember our anniversary.” (sniffs loudly for effect) “Four and a half years. We’ve been married for four and a half years.”

Aunt Becky: “No shit?”

Daver: “No shit.”

Aunt Becky: “It seems like a freaking eternity.”

Daver: “You’d better mean that in a good way…”

Aunt Becky: “Uh, heh-heh, of course, dear.”

Car Salesman looks acutely uncomfortable and makes up an excuse to get up and walk away.

Daver: “We scare people.”

Aunt Becky: “Hehe.”

73 Comments to

“We Don’t Even Charge Admission To The Freak Show (et. all)”

  1. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:42 am igster101 Says:

    My wife and I do that too. We both put on serious faces and in unison say 13 lonnng years.

  2. On December 9th, 2009 at 12:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! Yes. And people never know if they should laugh or look very serious

  3. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:45 am Julie Says:

    haha I have no ball and chain yet, but FRENEMIES are such an interesting topic…If I had to have one, it’d be Lindsay Lohan

  4. On December 9th, 2009 at 12:04 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I don’t THINK I have any frenemies any more, but I never can tell. I guess I’m a pretty lousy judge of character, huh.

  5. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:47 am Rachel Says:

    I think it’s fun to scare people, especially salesmen trying to sell you expensive shit like cars. I’m hoping you at least got a good deal.

  6. On December 9th, 2009 at 12:04 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We got a free DVD player AND the installation.

  7. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:50 am Marie Says:

    You are so awesome. 3 great posts in one. I am not down with the bitchy girl time. I just don’t have the energy.

    My husband is really my best friend. I can’t think of anyone else I have as good of a time with. We ALWAYS play good cop/bad cop and the car dealership and we scare people too. I LOVE IT.

  8. On December 9th, 2009 at 12:03 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s because you’re awesome. Who is the good cop? Dave is our good cop, did you guess? Because you totally should have.

  9. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:54 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Any good, money hugry car salesman worth his salt would have been unphased by the bickering bickersons routine and would have kept the Glengarry Glen Ross motto of ABC (always be closing)in his head. You found yourself one wuss of a salesman.

  10. On December 9th, 2009 at 12:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    He really was kind of a wuss, now that you mention it.

  11. On December 8th, 2009 at 12:10 pm Angie Says:

    can I just say that I LOVED the car salesman thing. Jim and I are so like that, in front of just about everyone and most people don’t get that we aren’t seriously out to kill each other. Our poor kids don’t have a chance at normal. Love that someone else does the same thing.

    Oh and yeah I should win that contest cause I should. LOL

  12. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My kids are going to hate us. I should really just throw any money I ever make (like $5) from writing into a therapy fund.

  13. On December 8th, 2009 at 12:15 pm Heather Says:

    We get those looks when I tell Kev to knock up his girlfriend already so we can have a baby.

  14. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! I bet you do. You’re in the South, too, aren’t you? Oh, that’s got to be good.

  15. On December 9th, 2009 at 12:05 am Heather Says:

    No, I’m in Utah. I think you’re thinking of Shake Shake Heather. I’m pretty sure she’s from the South.

  16. On December 8th, 2009 at 12:16 pm Ivory Says:

    I have started using the term “dude” again after a 15 year hiatus. I’m pretty sure it’s your fault 😉

  17. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. It SO is. I’ve revamped ‘yo’ and it needs to die again. HELP ME MAKE IT GO AWAY.

  18. On December 8th, 2009 at 12:18 pm Priss Says:

    Do you make bets ahead of time on how long it’ll take for the target to split, or is that just me and gorb?

    Ehhh…

  19. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Depends. This one was unplanned.

  20. On December 8th, 2009 at 12:21 pm Estela Says:

    My husband LOVES making sales people uncomfortable! He’s good at it, but I don’t have the poker face for it 😉

  21. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m amazingly good at it. Dave’s always turning red, but I’ll just keep going. Too fun!

  22. On December 8th, 2009 at 12:29 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Hopefully you frightened him enough to give you a good deal so you would go away. Mayhem terrorized the guy who sold us the mini van. I think he gave us the deal we wanted so we would not go on any more test drives with him.

  23. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT ALEX. DAMMIT!

  24. On December 8th, 2009 at 12:42 pm Shandal Says:

    LOL! That poor car salesman!

  25. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! Right? I wish I had a picture of his face. Seriously.

  26. On December 8th, 2009 at 12:44 pm carissajade Says:

    I love that you’re in the middle of a big purchase and just want to eat… i do that too… I’ll probably want to rush my wedding so I can eat.

  27. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:47 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We had a break in our wedding, right? Went back to our hotel for bacon cheeseburgers. Oh yes, yes we did.

  28. On December 8th, 2009 at 1:00 pm BigSis Says:

    I think it’s awesome to make salesmen uncomfortable. That’s what they do ALL THE TIME.

  29. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I like the way you think.

  30. On December 8th, 2009 at 1:05 pm Jaime M. Says:

    You sound like my husband and me. We constantly pick on each other like that. To most people it probably sounds like we hate each other, lol.

    Oh, and I posted a LONG reply to your Frenemies post. I have a doozy of a story there and most of it isn’t even told because it would take at least two pages to tell all of the crap this girl pulled.

  31. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I edited out a HUGE part of the frenemies post because I had to. It was really, really hard to write. Gah.

  32. On December 8th, 2009 at 1:24 pm excavator Says:

    When I used to do home care I was treating a woman and her husband was present. They were obviously a tasing kind of couple. At one point the husband said, “I loved my first wife better.” I was a little shocked by this, and probably kind of like that car salesman. Then they both laughed and revealed that SHE was his first wife.

  33. On December 8th, 2009 at 1:25 pm excavator Says:

    When I used to do home care I was treating a woman and her husband was present. They were obviously a tasing kind of couple. At one point the husband said, “I loved my first wife better.” I was a little shocked by this, and probably kind of like that car salesman. Then they both laughed and revealed that SHE was his first wife.

    Oops! TEASING kind of couple. NOT TASING!

  34. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:44 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! My kind of people. I hope we can be like that when we get older.

  35. On December 8th, 2009 at 1:33 pm mepsipax Says:

    We are so alike. I believe I scare people too. I try to say the most outrageous things at work. I work in a crazy place. I have not hit the limit and I have dropped the cunt punt phrase.

  36. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I am pretty sure I am your female equivalent. I’ve toned it down, but trust me. I am your female counterpart.

  37. On December 8th, 2009 at 1:43 pm gaylin Says:

    Just wait, in a few years you can have those kind of conversations in public AND embarrass the crap out of your children at the same time.

    Because isn’t that the reason you have kids, to embarrass them in public.

  38. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, they are getting PAID BACK for every single dirty butt I wiped, TRUST ME.

  39. On December 8th, 2009 at 1:47 pm swirl girl Says:

    Hubby walks out of office after having a colonoscopy this morning…Swirl Girl standing there with ‘It’s A Boy’ balloons from hospital gift shop.

    we get you, Aunt Becky.

  40. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Just wait until Daver has his vasectomy party. Penis favors EVERYWHERE.

  41. On December 8th, 2009 at 2:03 pm Bobbi Says:

    Went to lunch with a male co-worker and we both sat on the same side of a 4 person table because we were going to actually do some work and needed to both be able to look at the same piece of paper. None of our various work stuff was out yet as we had just managed to sit down and Perky the waitress bounced over and said, “You two are so cute sitting together like that!” I looked her right in the eye and said, “We have to both face the door so we can watch for his wife. Last time I was facing away from the door and she managed to hit me in the head with a rock before he could tell me to duck.” The look on her face was the best!

  42. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! I was ROLLING on the floor with this one. Seriously.

  43. On December 8th, 2009 at 2:07 pm WebSavyMom Says:

    –>I got my first ever brand new car earlier this year. We had been on the lot for almost a hour with the dealer before I realized my husband was in shorts on a cold day in mid-February. Not too bad til I realized he was wearing his SLIPPERS.

    We’re those people too.

    ~deb
    http://www.WebSavyMom.com

  44. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:39 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    And there is NOTHING wrong with being those people, I’ve decided. It’s more fun.

  45. On December 8th, 2009 at 2:15 pm moonspun Says:

    That’s awesome that you scare people! I love it…

  46. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:33 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dave and I are excellent at scaring people. I am also excellent at acting very stupid or very bitchy. Probably because I am both.

    I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT, DIDN’T I?

  47. On December 8th, 2009 at 2:55 pm Krissa Says:

    This was all a ploy to get him to give you a better deal, right? I say, scare the bastards into submission!

  48. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, I punched him in the nards. I always do.

  49. On December 8th, 2009 at 3:05 pm Kristine Says:

    Glad you could scare a car salesman – they need it.

  50. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know what? You’re totally right.

  51. On December 8th, 2009 at 4:11 pm Kristin Says:

    OMG, I swear my hubby and I have had exchanges exactly like that! I knew I loved you for a reason.

  52. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Great minds think alike!

  53. On December 8th, 2009 at 4:19 pm JennyMac Says:

    Cant wait to see who won my new favorite contest!!!

  54. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    ME EITHER. My fat ass is staying UP to choose a winner.

  55. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    RANDOMLY, I should say.

  56. On December 8th, 2009 at 4:30 pm Cybercris2 Says:

    on a cruise my husband told the emcee we had been married for 65 Million years!

  57. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha!

  58. On December 8th, 2009 at 4:32 pm Delisha Says:

    I thought me and my husband were the only ones lol. This doesn’t make me feel so bad now.

  59. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:26 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! No, we annoy everyone. Really. Maybe we should hang out with you.

  60. On December 8th, 2009 at 5:02 pm Melanie Says:

    You guys are so funny. 🙂

  61. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:25 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    And annoying!

  62. On December 8th, 2009 at 5:53 pm blueviolet Says:

    That conversation at the car dealership was hysterical!!!

  63. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:25 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The look on the dealer’s face, I wish I’d had a camera. He was SO uncomfortable. You could tell he didn’t know if I was going to throw down and beat the SHIT out of Dave or not, which made me wonder how many times people had done that before, you know?

  64. On December 8th, 2009 at 6:15 pm mumma boo Says:

    That is one of my all-time fave stories about you and the Daver. You two are perfect for each other. 😉

  65. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:24 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We are totally perfect for each other.

  66. On December 8th, 2009 at 6:33 pm Mad Woman Says:

    I want to come live in your house just so I can watch you and The Daver interact.

  67. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:24 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s probably pretty awesome or pretty annoying. I call it “The Becky and Dave Show.”

    Just try and leave before I start singing.

  68. On December 8th, 2009 at 9:52 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    I freakin’ love you guys.

  69. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    And we love you back.

  70. On December 8th, 2009 at 10:23 pm Em Says:

    Aunt Becky! You are a riot. Please…pretty please, can you be a guest blogger on my blog? My poor little blog needs life, snark and a subject matter thats friggin funny. No rules, no boundries, no cencorship. I need a some fun on my blog. Interested?

  71. On December 8th, 2009 at 11:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I may just have to do that! You were so sweet, how could I say no?

  72. On December 10th, 2009 at 10:04 pm Andrea Says:

    well…at least you didn’t tell The Daver to “shut his whore mouth!” That might have may the situation a little more awkward. But if the car guy can’t take a joke…well F him!

  73. On December 10th, 2009 at 11:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. I SO SHOULD HAVE. MENTAL NOTE.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...