Dear Aunt Becky,

Why are people, relatives at that, so damned mean?  My sister-in-law has thrown me aside like a dirty dishtowel time and again and never apologizes or explains what came over her. As she is such a mercurial person, people tend to accept her back into their life in some fashion rather than not have her at all.  This is the third time I’ve been burned and I’ve HAD IT!!!!

She’s my husband’s sister, but I don’t ever want to see or hear from her again.  I wish, in fact, that I’d never met her.  The hurt and agony I suffer every time she does this is more than I or my family want to deal with.  So Sage Aunt Becky, what do you recommend, should I kick her to the curb, or should I just call myself a sucker and sign myself up for more hurt and misery?

Frustratedly,
me.

Ah, Prankster, how I wish we could choose our family members like we choose our friends and just be able to cut people off when they treat us like dogshit. Sadly, it doesn’t work that easily without causing major drama with people choosing sides and split up holidays and all of that boo-yang.

What I would do, Prankster, in this situation, is to accept her back into your life and trust her as far as you can throw her (and with YOUR BUM KNEE, Ed, you shouldn’t be throwing anyone)(Ferris Bueller, man, HILARIOUS). I mean that in a “put up with her when you have to and ONLY THAT MUCH” sort of way.

There’s no reason you have to be the sucker in this situation or deal with her bullshit or get suckered back into it over and over. You can smile politely, nod, grit your teeth and think to yourself “yeah, whatever, bitch” and then move on when she’s out of earshot. You do yourself no favors by being sucked back into it time and time again.

Good luck, Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky,

This is a weird question, be warned.

I am in minimal contact with *any* of my family outside of my brother. I used to talk to my mother, 2 years ago. Before that, we’d see our extended family maybe…once every 2-3 years, if that. Pretty distant.

I got married last spring. My husband is from a *very* tight-knit family. His mom and dad are divorced, so that just means TWICE the amount of in-laws: they get together as often as possible.

I love that my husband is close to his family, but DAMN, I can’t handle spending our (rare) 3-day weekends with HIS family. It’s all we ever do when we have more than 2 days off together.

I’m just not used to such frequent trips spent gawking at cows or dominoes, when we could be at home watching movies or playing video games, or enjoying the nooks and crannies of our current town.

Also, his mother doesn’t like me and tells me in subtle comments, but that’s another question for our dear Aunt.

I’m on the verge of punching myself in the proverbial dick. I’ve tried explaining my weird family situation to the hubs, but he gets all butthurt and makes me feel weird for “not getting it.” I already feel weird about it, you know?

Halp me, Aunt Becky!

Love,
Douchey McInlaws

Oh Prankster, this situation just makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork except that it would do ME no good except make me blind in one eye and that wouldn’t exactly help me track down Mick Jagger and make him impregnate me. But it’s DELICATE and I’m about as good at being delicate as I am at refraining from saying “motherfucker.” SEE? It just SLIPS OUT.

So you clearly have to approach this one with DANGER WILL ROBINSON blinking all over the place because you can’t hurt your husband’s feelings about this and you’re not going to make him understand your childhood any more than you understand his (dominoes? REALLY? WEIRD!).

I’d probably tell a wee white lie if I were you. A “you know what, honey, I’d really like to spend some time with YOU this weekend because I’m so tirreeedd because work has been SO stressful.” Or maybe plan something for just the two of you at home to show him that maybe it’s time for you two to have a life together alone, too.

Clearly, it’s not going to work if it’s all his way all of the time or all your way all of the time and because marriage should actually be called “you’ll never get exactly what you want again,” maybe it’s time he learn that lesson, too. Not in a MEAN way, just a, you know, “my wife has needs too, that don’t include dominoes and my parents.”

Marriage = compromise. Marriage also = biting your tongue about your in-laws.

P.S. I don’t think ANY mother-in-laws like their daughter-in-laws. Awesome, isn’t it?

Dear Aunt Becky,

I got drunk.  I made out with my best friend’s husband, whom I might add is my husband’s best friend.  So, in one stupid night, I damaged a whole slew of relationships that have all lasted over a decade.

I told my husband right away and he has forgiven me.  I have cut off all contact between myself and his best friend.  I opted to let my friend’s husband tell her in his own time and way because (as if I’m not enough of a bitch already) she’s pregnant and no one wants to upset the pregnant lady.

She eventually found out via an e-mail between my husband and hers and called to get the story from me.  I told her all and accepted all of her anger and hurt because, well, that’s how it goes.

I have no idea how things are for her and her husband right now because I’m not speaking to him and she’s not speaking to me and my husband avoids drama like the plague.

My marriage is doing just fine and I know I should be happy for that, but here’s the thing.

Even though it’s all my fault, I still miss my best friend.  I can’t call her.  I can’t reach out to her.  And I can’t complain to my husband that I’m hurt and lonely because, well, duh.

So, Aunt Becky, will you just tell me it’s going to be okay and that you’re sorry that I lost my best friend, even if I did it to myself?

Oh Prankster, I AM sorry that you lost your best friend. It always hurts to lose someone you love, no matter what happened to cause the loss. I can tell that you feel guilty and awful about what happened–as you should–and I know you want to make it right. I wish I had any words of wisdom for you other than that you have to forgive yourself and accept that she may never forgive you and move on.

Easier said than done, I know.

—————–

As always Pranksters, please pick up where I left off in the comments.

(I know, how can you handle the DOUBLE posting?)(it’s not a glitch in the matrix)(I can’t believe I just quoted that)

If you’re having any problems with error message or see any obvious problems with my new design, could you send an email to aunt.becky.sucks@gmail.com? The comments ARE being posted, but there was some sort of redirect screen in place when certain people posted.

(don’t ask me, I just write here)

Hi Aunt Becky.

I would have put an exclamation point after my greeting, but I’m in such a funk- that I can’t even type excitedly.

My second daughter is just over 2 months old. She’s positively amazing and her 8 year old sister is a wonderful helper. My husband also does his best to try and help too. The problem is, as great as things are, I can’t stop crying or feeling like garbage. I don’t even want to talk to my best friend (frankly, she’s starting to annoy me) and that, in itself tells me something is up.

All I want to do is lay in bed or on the couch and do nothing. It’s hard to do when you have a newborn to deal with. All the nighttime feedings, colic, growth spurts and so on are starting to wear me down. I literally dream about running away for a few days, just to be alone.

I think I need to get help. I have absolutely nothing to be upset about and yet, I walk around like someone ran over my puppies.

The thing is, I feel like I should be able to just get over it. It should just pass like all the other ridiculous phases I’ve seen. I feel like I’m letting everyone down by having to go to the doctor for it. My husband seems to think that all I need to do is take a walk and get some fresh air. I know he wants me to feel better, but I don’t think he truly understands the way I feel.

Does it make me a bad person to have to go to the doc? What if he suggests medications?

Sincerely,
Desperate, Depressed Momma

Oh Prankster, I’m willing to bet that 150% of us are nodding are heads while we read this (parents or not) because that’s the thing about any sort of depression: that pervasive feeling of “why the shit can’t I just SNAP out of it?” I call it the “Other People Have No Feet Syndrome” i.e. “how can I possibly be sad when other people have no feet?”

It’s also bullshit.

It doesn’t matter why you feel the way you feel, what matters is that you feel the way you feel, and I’m saying that as firmly as possible. Anyone who tells you to “buck up” should be told so “shut the fuck up” because it doesn’t matter how good you have it if you feel like your dog just got run over 95% of the time (assuming your dog is, in fact, alive and well).

I had pre-AND post-partum depression (prepartum depression would be depression WHILE pregnant) and it didn’t matter how joyful I was about having any of my babies, I was miserable. A lot of it was hormonal because pregnancy is kind of a motherfucker on the body, but really, it didn’t matter one way or another WHY, it mattered that it was happening.

I reasoned it away with “it’ll get better” for probably 8 or so months.

Probably the stupidest decision of my life because you know what? IT DIDN’T GET BETTER. I wasn’t ready to drive my kid off a bridge, but I certainly had thoughts of how best to kill myself. I’m not proud to admit it, but it’s true.

Once I admitted to myself that I was, in fact, fucking miserable and made the call to the doctor, you know what? I FELT BETTER because I’d finally admitted that I had a problem.

Smartest decision I ever made for myself and for my family, all of whom prefer me as a non-depressed person.

So no, absolutely not, I don’t think there’s any reason to feel like you’re letting yourself or your family down by going to the doctor. Your husband clearly doesn’t understand why you feel the way you feel because he’s never experienced it. He’s well-meaning, but he’s clueless and that’s okay. Dave told me to “get a hobby” after I had a miscarriage, like that was going to make me feel better. Shockingly, I threw a lamp at his head.

Go to the doctor, Prankster, and if see what he or she has to say about it all. I started taking some Vitamin W (Wellbutrin) and trust me when I tell you that it saved my sanity. Your mental health is every bit as important as your physical health and there’s no shame in anti-depressants.

Make the appointment and go and see your doctor, please. You deserve to be happy. You’ll find your happy place again, I promise. And soon, the light will be back inside you.

Lots of love to you, Prankster. There’s never any shame in taking care of yourself, ever. You matter too.

xoxo,

Aunt Becky

————–

Pranksters, I know many of you have struggled with post-partum depression (or just plain old depression), too, because I’ve shared my struggles, and you’ve talked about your own. If you have any advice for this Prankster, please share. I separated the posts today deliberately so that you could talk to each of these Pranksters individually.

This Prankster could use your some love and some advice if you have any to offer.

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY, I’m doing things a little different today since I have two very important but very different questions that both could use your undying attention and/or love. Rather than combine them into one post, I split them into two separate posts.

CAN YOU HANDLE IT? (yes, you can).

I’ve been seeing the same guy on and off for the last 2 1/2 years. I really care about him but his actions and words throw me off. So much so that my mental health is suffering. I’ve been on more anti-depressants, anxiety meds, and therapy than any other time in my life.

I know he’s abusive. He doesn’t use physical violence anymore, since he’s not in my home but the verbal shit is killing me. At least, that’s what everyone keeps telling me when I call, again, in tears. Or when after succeeding in every aspect of my life, the moment I anticipate him calling, I want to drive into the median.

I’m having a super hard time just *quitting* him. It’s like I’m hooked. I’ve only successfully left his physical presence, but somehow he still holds a place in my head and heart, no matter how painful. How do I get past this relationship without being sucked back into it again?

Oh Prankster, there’s very little that I hate more than hearing about another Prankster in an abusive relationship. Not because I hate you, of course, but because I hate hearing that someone I heart is suffering.

Let’s start at the beginning. It sounds like you are addicted to this man and this relationship. I’m willing to bet that a good portion of us have been in abusive relationships before at one point or another–I know that I have–and I know that part of the abuse starts small, like you said, they get into your head and erode your self esteem.

There are people out there–like this guy–who prey on people to do exactly this sort of thing, so before you start blaming yourself for being an asshole to fall for it (that will come eventually. It always does, trust me on this), just know that it’s not your fault. It happened to you, it happened to me, and it’ll happen again to other people.

But this relationship is toxic, Prankster, and you must quit it. You must love yourself more than you love being with him. At the end of the day, you must love yourself. You know that Your Aunt Becky loves you and her Band of Merry Pranksters love you, but YOU must love you.

That love will be what sustains you and what has to get you through this, at least initially. If you want some solid, concrete reasons, go here. Then, if you’d like, read my story, here.

I won’t pretend it’s going to be easy or that you’re not going to hurt like hell because you will, but I guarantee that you’ll come away from this situation a better, stronger person.

Perhaps you should treat this like an addiction, because that’s what it is, an addiction. One of the things that addicts do is to make a list of all of the reasons that they quit their drug of choice and put that list somewhere safe, like their wallet or their purse. When they feel like breaking down, they pull that list out and remind themselves of why they’re doing it. It could be something as small as, “because I like to listen to MY music” or something as important as “I love ME more.”

Maybe you can get one of your friends to act as a substitute to call when you’re feeling weak and anxious and want to call him to talk you through it, a fake-boyfriend type of friend. You’re going to need an emotional support system to get you through this because you’re going to have to go through the grieving process, just like you would with any relationship.

Your self-esteem will creep back in, you can fake it ’til you make it, and you’ll find your way again. We human beings are resilient as hell and I can tell by the tone of your email that you’re a smart person and you’ll do well at finding someone who genuinely loves you.

Because someone who loves you does NOT hurt you. Someone who loves you does NOT call you names. Someone who loves you does NOT make you feel badly about yourself.

There is a difference between co-dependence and love, Prankster.

Perhaps you can take a 12-step approach and work it that way, if that helps, but whatever you do, you must get away. I cannot stress that enough.

Lots of love to you, Prankster. Let us know how it goes. We’ll be waiting to hear the progress you make.

————

All right, Pranksters, time to love on this Prankster. I know a lot of you can relate to this and it’s time to help her out. Give her some advice, some compassion or just a *hug* in the comments.

Hi Aunt Becky,

My husband and I just found out we are having a boy, so our house will be a sausage factory too. After recovering from hearing the news, I picked a fight with the husband about circumcision. He’s pro sausage casing removal, and I’m kind of anti. He is “jewish” (mom is catholic dad is jewish), but he doesn’t have any religious reasons for his feelings.

He’s worried the little snot will get teased in the locker room and also thinks they look better. I think there isn’t a good medical reason to do it, they don’t look THAT weird, and circumcision rates are falling, so by the time he gets to school more boys will look like him. I would love it if you could please be our tie breaker.

*ducks*

*looks frantically around for cover*

*hides*

*sighs*

Oh Prankster, how I am afraid to touch this question beyond all others before or after it because circumcision is the new abortion in terms of making people want to hurl things at each other at maximum velocity. But you asked and I can try and help you here.

First, let me start by saying this: I do not court controversy on my blog because, well, I don’t like it. Second, I am neither pro nor anti-circumcision in terms of what you do to your child because frankly, I have better things to get worried about, like why Househusbands of Hollywood got canceled.

That said, there are a WHOLE LOT of people who feel beyond strongly about it and I have no doubts that they will come and discuss it here. I have hopes that my Pranksters, being the awesome people that they are, can keep this discussion civil. Because opinions are like assholes (everybody’s got one) and what’s good for the goose may not be good for the gander.

I think that means that this decision is personal and personal attacks don’t need to be made against one another here. In fact, I will not tolerate it.

Lengthy disclaimer aside, I decided to go ahead and do some research for you, Prankster, because I do not like to give emotional responses to such a topic. Specifically, I went to the Centers For Disease Control’s Website to see what THEY said about the matter. They tend to have good, non-biased EVIDENCED-based material, and they did not disappoint.

I was looking for the medical reasons to circumcise, because while it used to be a standard procedure for all male infants in the hospital, that’s come under fire recently as being medically unnecessary. I wanted the FACTS. Here is what I found (information can be found here):

*Male circumcision has been associated with a lower risk for HIV infection in international observational studies and three randomized controlled clinical studies performed in Africa.

*The reason for the lower risk of HIV infection is due to the makeup of the skin of the foreskin which may have a greater susceptibility to tears during intercourse, providing an entry for pathogens (including HIV). The space between the foreskin and the penis may also provide an ideal environment pathogen survival as most flourish at normal body temperatures.

*Male circumcision has been proven effective in reducing the risk of HIV infection through insertive vaginal sex.

*That said, there are risks associated with male circumcision, which is generally performed in the hospital by the obstetrician before the mother and infant are sent home.

*The most common risks are bleeding, pain and infections and those are very rare. No long-term complications have been noted in the studies the CDC was referring to, and because the Internet is a vast and oftentimes incorrect place, I wasn’t about to Google it.

*The results of effects of male circumcision on penile sensation and sexual function give us a mixed picture: there is a report of decrease in sensitivity to fine touch. But several studies among adult circumcision patients report that there is no change or an improvement post circumcision.

From the American Medical Association (will open up a PDF if you click on it, but has a TON of information about it), here are the numbers for you number people, updated January, 2010:

*Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) was reduced by 53%
to 60%.

*Herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2) was reduced by 28% to
34%.

* Human papillomavirus (HPV) was reduced by 32% to 35%.

*Among female partners of circumcised men, bacterial vaginosis was
reduced by 40% and Trichomonas vaginalis infection was reduced by 48%.

(many of those studies were done in developing countries so the numbers may be lower in the US)

Probably the best, most medically sound information I could find was here, on the National Library of Medicine’s Website. The links are sound and up-to-date. Plus, none of them involve the same emotional tone that I so hate when it comes to this topic.

*The American Academy of Pediatrics takes this stance on circumcision: “The American Academy of Pediatrics believes that circumcision has potential medical benefits and advantages, as well as risks. The existing scientific evidence is not sufficient to recommend routine circumcision. Therefore, because the procedure is not essential to a child’s current well-being, we recommend that the decision to circumcise is one best made by parents in consultation with their pediatrician, taking into account what is in the best interests of the child, including medical, religious, cultural, and ethnic traditions.”

The Center’s For Disease Control and Prevention are launching an evidence-based study into the topic of male circumcision and have made no final recommendations.

And as for you, Prankster, I find it to be a very personal decision that should be made once you know all of the risks and benefits. Education is key here, and I hope that I’ve done an okay job gathering the facts for you.

————

Now I turn the table to you, my Pranksters, to discuss this topic. She asked for a tie-breaker, and I’m not giving her one because, well, that’s not my style. So have at it. Just be nice, yo.

Dear Aunty Becky,

So I finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up, and how I want to get there.  I’ve found the perfect college to go back to, enrolled, and am now trying to figure out how to pay for it.

This is where I need help.  I have anxiety issues and money is a HUGE trigger for me.  I’m at the point where I dream that I can’t fall asleep because I’m too busy thinking about how I can pay for my dream to come true.

I’m 33, I have 4 kids, I’m married, I’m recently laid off…. I don’t know how to make this work!  It’s what I want to do more than anything (except maybe live) but I don’t even know how to pay for it?  What can I do, besides drink more before I go to bed?

Yours truly,

The Neurotic One

Oh Neurotic Prankster, you are SO not alone in this one, and for good reason. The cost of college is damn daunting especially if you look at it from a beginning-to-end perspective (which I was smart enough NOT to d0)(or stupid enough)(whatever)(let’s not nitpick, Pranksters, I have the FLU).

Here’s where I’m going to veer away from the smart financial people who will no doubt rail on me in the comments and suggest that you will FIND a way to pay for your dream. If this IS what you want to do, Prankster, then you MUST do it. You’ll know in your bones if this is It, and if It is, then you simply must find a way.

There are always college loans, work-on-campus programs and ways to pay for the tuition. You can buy text books used from Amazon.com rather than take it up the butt from the bookstore. Take some of the prerequisites from a junior college (MAKE SURE THEY TRANSFER INTO YOUR FUTURE COLLEGE, FIRST. THIS IS MY WARNING TO YOU)

Go in and make an appointment with the admissions counselor and have them walk you through how you can pay for it. I assure you that most people don’t have hundreds of thousands just laying around to throw at college.

So, DO IT, Prankster. You only go around this crazy planet once. Might as well be doing something that fulfills you.

I’m considering going back to school to become a RN.  Only because I want to be a lactation consultant.

Would I kill myself?  Is it horrible?  Do I have to learn stuff with needles?

Any advice is appreciated, yo.

Zak

Aw, ZAK, this brings a tear of joy to my eye! I’m so proud of you for wanting to go to school to fondle boobies! Also: I will send you my scrubs so you have some to start with because, obviously.

Anyway. No, you totally won’t kill yourself, because you’re going to nursing school because you want to, not as a Long Suffering Aunt Becky who hated every moment of it because I really wanted to be somewhere (anywhere) else.

The things I have to say about nursing school are this:

It’s exhausting. The pace they put you at was a new class load about every 8 weeks, which meant that we were on the quarter system. It was a semester’s worth of material in half the time, but that’s pretty indicative of how the medical field works (sink or swim) so you do get used to it. I swear.

No one will coddle you. But I know you and I think you’d punch someone in the cock if they tried to, so this is good. Just keep it in mind that you’re on your own and you’re going to be doing a lot of work. Again, you get used to it. I’m pretty sure if I tried to go back and take a normal college class I’d be disgusted by how easy it was.

It’s satisfying. I never wanted to be a nurse, but a lot of what I did learn was highly satisfying even if I only use that knowledge to gleefully correct televised medical dramas and/or solve the mystery on House, MD before his team does. I bat a pretty good average on that one, actually.

Actually, you probably won’t have to do much with needles in school (which, ROCK ON). Not only is a hugemongeous liability for the school because y’all could be throwing around blood-borne pathogens thanks to poor needle practices, but every hospital uses different needles AND has a different set of standards for the way that their staff handles needles.

Needle work comes once you get hired somewhere or work somewhere as a patient care tech.

Other than that, I have a huge amount of respect for nurses and anyone who wants to become one. So to you, I take my hat off. Or I would if I were wearing one. Actually, I might be wearing one, but the flu has made me hallucinate.

Was my mother right: Does the white stuff around oranges have nutrients like iron? Is it good for you? I’ve gone my whole life choking on the stuff and/or painstakingly peeling it off. I have to know!

Thanks,
V

The white stuff around the oranges is called “pith” which sounds very properly English, doesn’t it? I can only picture English people saying it dressed in fancy 18th century garb (like those gigantic headdresses) while sipping tea, but THAT, Pranksters, is the drugs talking.

Anyway, my parents were always saying the same things to me, although they never quoted iron specifically. But it was always “nutritious things” in that pith. And when I went to look it up, the only word among the many, many I found, that made any sense whatsoever was “fiber.”

The rest sounded like New Age made-up words. Which, maybe they were. Because I’d never heard of them before. And clearly, if *I* hadn’t heard of them, they were fake words.

Either way, the pith of an orange tastes like butthole, that we can all agree on. And generally, the things on this planet that aren’t lethal that taste like butthole are really good for you. So my guess is that the pith is probably really good for you.

(I still peel it off. I like bitter things–like my heart–but that shit is WAAAAY too bitter for me)

—————–

As always, Pranksters, please feel free to fill in where I left off in the comments.

P.S. This probably makes no sense because I’m still hallucinating.

P.P.S. I am going to punch the flu in the cock.

P.P.P.S. I wish the flu had a cock so I could punch it there. Hard.

I’m back — Did you miss me? Let’s raise our coffee mugs and beer steins and whatever else you have to Aunt Becky, who is out of Internet coverage and has recruited me to fill in as only your friendly neighborhood The Daver can. Thanks to all who sent Daver-friendly questions! Now gather ’round, gather ’round, and let’s all use our inside voices today, because The Daver is trying to catch up on his sleep thanks to being on Mr. Mom duty for several days.

Dear The Daver,

-Manda

Hi Manda,

I know that when people thought Ben was mine, I was always kinda flattered. I mean, I didn’t want to take credit, but he and I were Best Buds from the day we met, so I was perfectly happy to be in pictures or have someone guess wrong. I mean, sure, it was a little disconcerting at first — here I was, walking in to this person’s life, and I wasn’t expecting to become a capital-D-Dad so quickly, but in a way it just…happened. I loved him and wanted the best for him, and my biggest fear was measuring up to that.

Changing the way others perceive things is impossible; we had to put my last name on Ben’s school records because otherwise the school calls and asks for “Mrs. Ben’s-last-name” (NOT what she wants to be called, thankyouverymuch), and the mailman marks mail for him with a “here?”. To this day people comment on Ben’s resemblance to me. If I tried to correct all of them, I’d never have a conversation that didn’t involve explaining my ‘special’ relationship with my son. So I just say, “He sure is good looking, isn’t he?” and laugh later on.

So I’d say the only person you need to worry about is your boyfriend — talk to him about those awkward moments, have a laugh about the way people assume stuff, and tell him what YOU expect. Then when it happens again — because it WILL — you can give him a knowing look and he can play the role as much or as little as he’s comfortable doing, because he knows where you and your daughter stand — and those are the people he’s most concerned about anyhow.

-d

Hey, The Daver!

Love,
The NOT girlfriend.

Oh, NOT girlfriend,

Alas, I don’t have psychic powers and I can’t see into his head to tell you for sure, but I have to ask you this: what do YOU want? If using the terms ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ to describe your relationship is important to you, then it’s important to understand why he’s so adamant not to be called those terms. Perhaps a previous relationship went too fast into those terms and it spooked him? Maybe he doesn’t want to jinx a good thing? Getting guys to talk about this stuff can be tricky, but if it’s upsetting you then he needs to know, and he needs to know why. Rather than just asking him to go ‘formal’, sit him down and share with him how it makes you feel, how he makes you feel, and what it would mean to you to use those terms, and give him an opportunity to open up about it. If he shares honestly, give him a BJ as a reward*, to encourage further sharing. 🙂

What you don’t want to have is the doubt you feel about this seemingly minor terminology issue turn into doubt about the relationship as a whole. If the terms don’t match the usual terms, that’s one thing (Becky calls me “fart-face” or “asshole” more than “husband”) but if the commitments you expect aren’t there on both sides, that’s another, and you don’t want that to cloud the good stuff, or fester into something more serious.

He’d better not be waiting for a ‘better’ chick, though. Besides the fact that he’ll be waiting a long time, because OBVIOUSLY, that’s just a dick move, and we may need to put his balls in a jar.

-d

*that one’s for you, SciFi Dad. But I’m only half kidding. Less than half.

Dear The Daver,

-MiniPeds-

Hey -MiniPeds-,

From personal experience being this very boyfriend, let me tell you: make him an appointment, and take him to it. This is not something that gets better on its own, and while depressed, it is unlikely that the idea of getting better registers enough to stir real action in him. Obviously, if you make the appointment and he outright refuses or gets upset with you, you can take a step back, but chances are pretty good that he’s not doing it because he’s just…not doing it. We depressed people tend to feel like making appointments not mandated by jobs or life is an awful lot of effort, and we’re already spending most of what we’ve got on the other stuff, so maybe next week I’ll feel better…

Now that my symptoms are managed, I’m so thankful that Becks made me go. And that she called me an idiot for stopping my meds when I felt better, and took care of me when I crashed after stopping my meds (even though she told me I was an idiot), and got me back on them. I learned my lesson, as most people who face this kind of thing do: the hard way. Having her to get me through the consequences of my mistakes changed everything.

So good luck. He’s lucky to have you.

-d

As always, agree, disagree, and help these kind folks out better than me in the comments!

So, I’m due any day now with Baby #2 and I have a girl name that I LOVE…but other people look at me and say, “What?” whenever they hear it.  Then they sit there and say it under their breath several times while looking confused.  And?  Since I’m 9 months pregnant, it totally pisses me off.

The name is Elodie.  (El-oh-dee)  Seriously, it’s not that different from Emma or Olivia!  It’s French!  It’s not like I snagged the name of some random elf from The Lord of the Rings or something.  It’s a real name, with a real history and real meaning.

So what is up with the weird looks?  And am I dooming my daughter to a lifetime of constantly repeating her name to morons who can’t think outside the name box of Jennifer or Emily?

Oh Momma, you poor thing, when I was nine months pregnant, people breathing near me made want to stab them in the eyeballs with forks, mostly because I was always holding a fork so it was handy as a weapon. Otherwise, I would have thought of something that would cause more damage.

Now Your Aunt Becky thinks that Elodie is a lovely name for a wee baby girl, but I’m afraid that your summation is correct: you are dooming yourself to a lifetime of repeating her name to hapless morons. I say this because my name is Becky and people call me Rachel. CONSTANTLY.

Elodie is an exotic for the US and exotic names are full of The Awesome, but they’re also not common enough that people are going to–off the cuff–say, OH RIGHT!

That said, if you love it, you’ll just have to get used to spelling it and then sounding it out and then spelling it for people. Your daughter will have to do the same. People aren’t always very bright.

Funky names are getting more common, so she won’t be alone in spelling out her name and having people butcher it. Maybe you can make up cards to hand people who don’t get it. Just try to be patient with them.

And remember that people with even the most common names get it, too (RACHEL? I mean, really?).

Good luck, Momma.

Something strange has been going on in my head.  I’ve been chewing on a little nugget of an idea for awhile now.  I’ve been thinking about nominating my child for Make A Wish.

Anyway, one day, I was reading a community blog for my child’s condition and an older child had mentioned she had recently been granted a wish from the make a wish foundation.  She was excited to get a wish because she didn’t think her condition would qualify her for anything special. (Her condition won’t kill her, just require yearly medical examinations by a few ‘ologists’, and treatment as they see fit.  And I thought to myself, wow, I was just thinking about Make A Wish.

A few days later, I was thinking about approaching my husband with the idea of starting the Make A Wish nomination process, but I chickened out thinking that he’d think I was dumb for thinking we should do Make A Wish cause our child is only 3 (will be 3 VERY soon).

The very next day, we got a Make A Wish packet in the mail (fund raising thing asking us for money)  So, I used that as a starting point and mentioned to my husband how I was wanting to tell him about what I had been thinking about and asked what he thought.  He said “The Kid is too young and won’t remember the trip anyway, besides, it’s not like the kid will talk and say anything to the people if they come out”

So, I left it at that….but yesterday, we got something from the grocery store that we normally buy, and it was labeled with Make A Wish advertisement.

Is this a sign that I should just donate to Make A Wish, or nominate my child?

My child was born with a few problems.  It seems that more problems are on the horizon.  Nothing that will kill the kiddo, but will definitely make life quite difficult for awhile.  It’s also pretty much a lifelong problem(s).

You know what? I’d say if it’s something that you think you want to do for your kid, I’d say that you should. The worst that the Make A Wish Foundation will do is turn you down, and in that case, well, you’re out nothing.

So I’d say onward, Prankster, ONWARD. And let us know what happens.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I’ve been blogging for about a year and a half, and most of the time I really love it. But right now? I am completely. burnt. out. I spend way too many hours (hours I should be using to tame the laundry pile, clear the toxic waste out of the fridge and tear my hub away from his internet porn) brainstorming, blogging, commenting, and otherwise pimping my virtual self out, trying to attract more eyeballs (because, let’s face it, I am nothing without comments), and feel like I’m getting nowhere fast.

Have you, in all your awesomeness, ever found yourself at this crossroads? How do I get past it? I am not a quitter, and do not want to become one now, but the thought of writing another post right now makes me want to light a match and burn my blog back into binary code.

Help me.

Sincerely,

Considering Committing an Act of Bloggy Arson

Are you kidding, Prankster? Of course you are teasing Your Aunt Becky, because anyone who has been blogging for more than six months has experienced blogging burnout. If they haven’t, they’re delusional, or they haven’t actually felt The Pressure yet.

This is what I do when I feel The Pressure is to remind myself not to take myself so seriously. It’s hard because I’m supposed to be funny, and when I’m not feeling particularly FUNNY it makes for a post like dressing up a turd in a tutu. Not everything in my life is for public consumption.

Then I take a step back and remind myself not to take it all so seriously. If I miss a couple weeks of keeping up with everyone, well, I’m only one person. I cannot possibly do it all and make myself happy at the same time. Anyone who drops me because I need some time to myself isn’t exactly a friend, are they?

So don’t be so hard on yourself, Prankster, and remember it’s okay to need your space. Take the time you need and come back to your blog if you want. Anyone who loves you for you and not for the comments you leave on THEIR blog will keep you in their reader and welcome you back with open arms. Like Your Aunt Becky.

———————

As always, Pranksters, please feel free to fill in where I left off in the comments.

So, I’m getting married this summer, and was struck with the realization that, while I am looking forward to taking my fiancee’s last name as my own, I’m going to miss the complete absence of my maiden name from my life.

After giving it some thought, I decided I like the idea of dropping my current (boring) middle name, and changing it to my current maiden name. I like the way it looks and sounds.

My fiancee doesn’t seem to thrilled by this new name, but the only thing he’ll actually say is “do whatever you want.”

What do you think, Aunt Becky? I need your wisdom as a second opinion.

Also! Do you think it would end up being weird whenever the question came up of my middle name being the same as my maiden name? Is it going to be a pain in the ass? This is starting to make me a little crazy.

Well, o! Prankster my Prankster, pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name. If you didn’t, it’s not actually listed as Aunt Becky on my birth certificate (which, by the by, if you’ve seen it, I kinda need it). My given name, Prankster, was Becky Elizabeth Sherrick.

When I got married, like you, o! wise one, I didn’t want to change my name. I liked being Becky Sherrick. I’d been Becky Sherrick for 25 years and I didn’t really LIKE the sound of Becky Harks. In fact, it sounded like a venereal disease.

But, my husband-to-be was slightly aghast by my reluctance, AND I had a kid with a different last name then my own, and I thought about all of the confusion that we’d suffer with subsequent kids and decided to change it.

I would be: Becky Elizabeth Sherrick Harks (NO HYPHEN)!

Then the Social Security Office called and took a massive shit all over my parade. Turns out, you can give a kid 4 names (all of mine have 4 names)(preemptively, you’re welcome, children of mine), but the sea hag at the SS office said no to adding a name, unless you hyphenate.

Stuck with a choice of dumping the Elizabeth or the Sherrick, I dumped the Elizabeth.

Like you, I became a First Name, Last Name, Last Name. Happily. That’s what I go by everywhere. The full three names.

This is my advice to you: if that’s what you want, and it helps you to feel connected to your past (which, I mean, I totally get.) as you’re turning in your old name for a new one, do it.

So fucking what if your fiance doesn’t like it? HE is not changing his name. Because his name clearly means enough to him to fight you to take it, he should respect that yours means enough to you to let it go.

He’ll get used to it.

Marriage does = compromise. Heh. Just ask The Daver.

If Mississippi lends Missouri her New Jersey, what will Delaware?

I don’t know but Alaska.

When my son died last May, my insurance company decided to show everyone why insurance companies are the devil…but refusing to pay for basically any & everything relating to my son, delivery, etc.  I’ll spare you all the details, I’ll just direct you to the blog I’ve wrote today about my recent appeal & denial.

http://yaycowsyay.blogspot.com/2010/04/help-dead-baby-family-convince.html

Anyway, if you read that I’m asking if anyone who is willing to help me provide letters as “evidence” I can use in my claim.  Knowing you care about fellow loss moms & loss moms care about you, I thought you could help me out by spreading the word of my letter effort.  I feel like I’m asking for a cheap blog plug or something, but I hope you realize I’m not.  I’d just like the chance to blow the company’s mind.  Even if I don’t win, I want them to know people know they suck.

So would there be any way you’d be willing to talk about my issue & let people know if anyone would like to help we’d truly appreciate it?  Again, I feel lame asking you, but I’m kinda sorta desperate & want any help I can get.  Can’t hurt to ask, right?

Consider it done, my friend. Baby Loss Mommas, if you can help, please do.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I have been working at a new company for a year. I am the highest seniority person there since I was hired right after the company was formed. My problem is with the secretary. She hasn’t even been there a year yet, but she is driving me insane. I often hear her steal my ideas and claim them as her own. She also tries to blame me for her shortcomings.

I’ve spoken to my bosses twice about this, and they do not see it. Everyone that works under me has come to me with complaints about her. It’s my job to take take those complaints to our bosses, but they don’t see it so they don’t really do anything about it. To add insult to injury I recently found out that my bosses have given her two raises in the eight months she’s been there, and I have never received one in over a year (though I have to admit I get more perks than she does)!

I make this company a lot of money, they know I am valuable. When I returned from vacation recently I found out this secretary was bad mouthing me to my bosses. She lies about me, but they just don’t see it.  How do I show my bosses the true colors of my co-worker?

There is nothing–and I mean nothing–more discouraging than a shifty coworker (I think the word “shifty” needs to make a comeback, don’t you?). Been there, done that and it’s a fucking bitch. Literally.

If I were you, Prankster, what I would do is this: get some sort of documentation that you can take to your bosses. Because without it, you’re never going to convince them that she’s not some sort of saint or Jesus or something. With the rest of the staff on your side, it shouldn’t be quite as much of a task as it sounds. But you need real proof to get her in your cross-hairs.

People like this tend to eventually dig their own graves. So if you don’t get proof in time, eventually she’ll fuck up so badly that even your bosses will see what an assbag she is. In the meantime, you need to make sure you’re on your best behavior around her so that she doesn’t try and throw you under the bus.

Also, you should start bringing Ginsu knives to work. Not because you’re going to ACTUALLY cut a bitch, but just to have them and look threatening. You never know when you might have to cut up a nice stir-fry.

—————

As always, Pranksters, fill in where I left off in the comments.

And I wanted to thank all of you who have supported Amelia and I. Today, we’re walking for March of Dimes and Team Mimi and I’m beyond touched by how many of you have chimed in over the past year to tell me how you’ve read her story.

Without you, I really don’t know where I’d be. I certainly don’t think I’d be in one piece.

Thank you, my Band of Pranksters. Thank you for everything.

Team Mimi FOR THE WIN!

Dear Aunt Becky,

Girl, I need advice.

I’m 28, have never married, and do not have any children – although I am hopeful for both in the future. So here’s the dilemma. I have been dating the same fellow for the last 3 months. Pretty early on I picked up from his conversations with other people that he had a daughter from a previous relationship, but he never spoke about her with me.

I should clarify that it was apparent who this mystery person X was, although she was never referred to by her status as his child, only by her first name, so it took a few instances of her being brought up before I caught on who this person X really was.

Although I don’t have children, I understand that being a dating parent must come with complications I don’t have to typically face as a childless dater.  So I tried to be patient and let him tell me in his own time.  However, after 2  ½ months of exclusive dating my patience had worn thin. We had become physically intimate; he had introduced me to his parents;  he had dropped the L bomb. But he still hadn’t brought up his daughter.

So I did. I tried to do so gently, and with an open mind. I asked him why he never mentioned his daughter. His excuse? He had meant to, but had apparently procrastinated too long. And within a week of that conversation he was planning a whole Easter weekend with me meeting not only his daughter (who he was seeing for the first time since Christmas), but his whole extended family over the course of 2 days. I expressed my discomfort with the speed of meeting everyone – particularly his daughter — but he ignored it.

And now I am disenchanted with the whole relationship. To top it off, his custody situation is changing and he will have his daughter every second weekend, so I feel I should decide whether or not I want to continue dating him asap before I establish a significant relationship with his daughter.

Please stop me if I’ve just hopped on the crazy train, but really, shouldn’t the child have come up sooner? I am having a hard time letting go of this.  He never explicitly denied having a child, but I still feel lied to.

And seriously, how do you just forget that you ought to mention you have a child? Seriously? (My head is spinning here, a la the exorcist.) And now that the dynamic of our relationship and how  and when we spend time together is going to change pretty drastically as his daughter becomes a bigger presence in his life. I’m not sure if I should continue to be a part of his life.  What makes me really sad is that I’m actually ok with dating someone who has a child in principle. But I’m not sure I want to date someone who feels the need to ‘hide’ them from prospective partners.

Advice please!

Many, many years ago I met someone who had The Sex with a random girl in a tent at a party. Later, when asked if he was going to call the girl he said, “Absolutely not.” She had a kid, you see, and she didn’t mention it to him, and in his words, “anyone who doesn’t bring up their kid before having sex isn’t someone you call later on.”

That girl wasn’t me, because the kid was like 8 or something and she was some ho-bag  (per this guy), but to me, I can’t imagine why the hell someone wouldn’t choose to bring up their child. I got your email and rolled it around in my pea brain and simply couldn’t think of a single good reason why this could happen with someone I’d want to continue dating.

My kid wasn’t something I was ashamed of, even when I was 21 and freshly single. Like, my kid is cool, you know? Sure, it maybe didn’t make me the world’s most eligible co-ed, but you know what? THEIR LOSS. My kid and I, WE were going to be fine with or without you.

(and we were)

And really, that should kinda be his attitude.

If I were you, I’d probably sit him the fuck down and tell him that this is really bothering you. Make it clear that it’s not that he has a kid, but that he didn’t mention that he had one. That should have been a Date 1 or Date 2 conversation. I’m sure the relationship with Baby Momma is rough because hi, they always are, but you know what? If he loves you and you love him, you’ll work it out.

So my advice is to have an honest heart-to-heart with him before his daughter moves in because you owe it to that child to have the slate wiped clean before you meet her. Her dad was the one being a dip-shit, not her.

I still don’t understand his logic and it makes me uncomfortable, but I’m also willing to discuss my bowel movements with The Internet, so maybe I’m Captain Overshare over here.

Pranksters? Your thoughts?

Dear Aunt Becky,

What do you do when you are too tired to live properly, let alone find joy?  I mean, do you ever have those days when you sit on the toilet longer than necessary because you are too tired to even wipe your own ass?

I have a great life, and I’m already on Zoloft…so more pharmaceuticals are out.

What do YOU do?

Sincerely,
Sleepy Sarah

Fuck, girl, you’re talking to the person who is considering a recreational speed habit just to make it through the day. Between the Topamax (street name in MY house “The Max”) and the screaming children, I’m counting down the moments until I can go on my cruise.

(aside, it’s mostly the Topamax that causes, per my neurologist “cognitive impairment.” Street name: “makes you dumber-er”)

Your Zoloft might actually be making you sleepy. You might want to consider a change to a different drug because so many of the SSRI’s are similar enough to provide you with relief from your depression (I’m assuming it’s depression) while reducing the unwanted side effects. It’s something worth mentioning to your doctor because I know that feeling well. I considered napping at Target today!

If it’s not that, or if you don’t want to tweak it, which I TOTALLY get, try giving yourself a wee time-out in your bedroom. Just 5 minutes. Alone. Lay down, turn off the lights and listen to some music and just relax. It’s quite rejuvenating.

Barring that, have some more of The Sex because OBVIOUSLY. Wait, no, just have more of The Sex, anyway even if it’s with yourself.

Also, make sure to cut some time out of every day for yourself. I don’t mean like plan an extravagant spa day or something because really, who has the fucking time? (answer: no one I know) but, you know, something you can look forward to.Something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Buy some makeup that makes you feel pretty and wear it, or paint your toenails, or go and walk around Target alone for half an hour. I have this thing that I do, where I try and buy myself something that makes me feel good about myself every week. Baby steps, girl. Baby steps.

It’s hard, and I’m sorry. Anyone who ever says that life is always easy is full of bullshit or so heavily medicated that I want the name of their doctor RIGHT NOW.

If none of those work, I’ll go halvesies on some speed with you.

——————-

As always, Pranksters, please pick up where I left off in the comments. Because, OBVIOUSLY.

At 32 years old isn’t it a little to old to have a school girl crush?

Oh but I do, it is a big crush this guy makes my heart go pitter-patter. I’ve known him for a while but I have had so much chaos in my life with my ex sperm donor I never really thought of it, yeah I noticed he was attractive but you know I did not really know him that well. I only still know him a little but he and I have had some conversations and well I’ve realized that I want to see him more.

But see the problem is me, I know I have pretty low self esteem and although he is nice and he seems to like me, I am confused to weather he LIKE likes me like I LIKE like him. I am just to chicken. Maybe if I lost like 50lbs I would feel more comfortable in my skin. In my brain I know that should not matter if people LIKE each other that just do… Plus that I have two kids..he has none and for me I just don’t know what he thinks about the kid thing… maybe he don’t date people with kids? I don’t know really.

But what if I tell him I like and and then it makes things weird?

so background I am a single mom of 2 a almost 16 yr old and a 3 yr old..there sperm donor is a jerk and has put us through a lot and i am just scared about a new relationship… also I am now a full time student trying to better my little family;s life and also trying to be healthier because my mom was recently very ill with renal failure and now its important to me to lost weight and get healthier.
help me

signed I got a crush at 32

First off, Prankster, I have to say that I find you adorable. Like I want to pick you up and put you in my pocket and carry you around with me everywhere because I think you’re fucking cute. You’re what I call a Pocket Pal. That’s like my highest compliment.

And here’s my advice to you: you never, ever know until you give it a try. I mean, after being in a shitty relationship for so long is bound to wear down your self image, so of course you’re shy about getting back into the dating pool. Who wouldn’t be?

But if he makes your heart all gooey inside, that’s a sign that maybe there’s something there worth seeing about. If nothing happens, well, you tried. At least you can’t say that you didn’t try.

I’d say, just ask him if he wants to catch coffee or a drink sometime and try to see him on a friendly level. From there, maybe you can see how things go. You don’t need to go balls out and pour your heart out to him immediately, you know?

Good luck, my friend.

I started bloggin, recently as a way to de-stress. Instead of writing in a diary. I am a artist so I paint also. But that just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. Anyways, I started bloggin, still don’t know much. have a few ppl who read me.  My question is I’m sure very simple for you. How do I set it up so that I know when ppl comment on my blog, without having to login to my blog to see? Reading you info on bloggin for dummies was very enlightening. thank you.

Aw, thank YOU. I’m so glad you liked the Blogging For Dummies post. A lot of you seemed to really find that useful. Maybe I’ll do another one of those soon.

(pithy aside, I felt SO STUPID writing about that because really WHAT THE SHIT DO I KNOW ABOUT BLOGGING. Plus, blogging ABOUT blogging seems so…stupid coming from me. There are so many people who do that much better than I do.)

Anyway.

So, you want to know how to see your comments in email form. Got it.

I operate a self-hosted WordPress blog (options should be the same for any WordPress blog, though), and I don’t actually get my comments emailed to me. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA.

Here’s what you do:

Go to settings—>Discussion—>Email Me Whenever (third option down)—>check the box that says “anyone posts a comment.”

As for Blogger/Blogspot blogs, I really don’t know. I tried to Google it for you, but my brain started to burn. Pranksters?

Aunt Becky,

Our sitter is a wonderful lady! After all, she watches our daughter for 10 hours a day 5 hours a week. I don’t know how the lady does it frankly. And we are high maintenance moms, you know, because we are lesbos and everything. She loves the cloth diapers and even feeds our daughter our homemade baby food.

But there’s one thing: she insists on giving us hand me downs for our daughter that her family members have given her. Only, the hand me downs usually are splattered with little phrases like “little hot mama” and “sexy baby phat ass”. Of course, outfits like this only come in stripper colors.

Now, we aren’t all high class – but our daughter wears a full on collection of Carter’s clothes for young baby girls – complete with innocent girly prints like flowers and butterflies and dots and hearts. Hell, I didn’t think I would have to debate why she couldn’t wear the sweats with SEXY blasted across the ass for at least another 10 years.

So I have 2 questions: 1. How do I get these lovely donations to stop without being offensive (I mean, after all, she does watch our girly all day which is no easy task – I barely make it through Saturdays alive)? and 2. What shall I do with our daughter’s new found stripper collection. Passing it down to our little niece just seems wrong (or does it?)?

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Can I tell you how hard I laughed when I got this? I’ve been there, with the hand-me-downs that are so butt-ass-ugly that I’m all, do you actually dress your OWN child in this?

This is what you do. You cannot very well say respectfully, “thank you, but no thank you” because any way you slice it, it comes across as rude. What I’ve always done is said VERY SWEETLY, “OH! Thank you SO MUCH!” Then, if they no longer want it, I donate it very quickly to the Salvation Army.

If they do want it back, I leave it in a closet somewhere until they ask for it back.

Works like a charm EVERY TIME.

——————–

Pranksters, as always, fill in where I left off. And feel free to submit any of your burning questions to Go Ask Aunt Becky (the linky-poo on the sidebar).