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Go *wheeze* Ask Aunt *cough* Becky


Dear Aunty Becky,

So I finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up, and how I want to get there.  I’ve found the perfect college to go back to, enrolled, and am now trying to figure out how to pay for it.

This is where I need help.  I have anxiety issues and money is a HUGE trigger for me.  I’m at the point where I dream that I can’t fall asleep because I’m too busy thinking about how I can pay for my dream to come true.

I’m 33, I have 4 kids, I’m married, I’m recently laid off…. I don’t know how to make this work!  It’s what I want to do more than anything (except maybe live) but I don’t even know how to pay for it?  What can I do, besides drink more before I go to bed?

Yours truly,

The Neurotic One

Oh Neurotic Prankster, you are SO not alone in this one, and for good reason. The cost of college is damn daunting especially if you look at it from a beginning-to-end perspective (which I was smart enough NOT to d0)(or stupid enough)(whatever)(let’s not nitpick, Pranksters, I have the FLU).

Here’s where I’m going to veer away from the smart financial people who will no doubt rail on me in the comments and suggest that you will FIND a way to pay for your dream. If this IS what you want to do, Prankster, then you MUST do it. You’ll know in your bones if this is It, and if It is, then you simply must find a way.

There are always college loans, work-on-campus programs and ways to pay for the tuition. You can buy text books used from rather than take it up the butt from the bookstore. Take some of the prerequisites from a junior college (MAKE SURE THEY TRANSFER INTO YOUR FUTURE COLLEGE, FIRST. THIS IS MY WARNING TO YOU)

Go in and make an appointment with the admissions counselor and have them walk you through how you can pay for it. I assure you that most people don’t have hundreds of thousands just laying around to throw at college.

So, DO IT, Prankster. You only go around this crazy planet once. Might as well be doing something that fulfills you.

I’m considering going back to school to become a RN.  Only because I want to be a lactation consultant.

Would I kill myself?  Is it horrible?  Do I have to learn stuff with needles?

Any advice is appreciated, yo.


Aw, ZAK, this brings a tear of joy to my eye! I’m so proud of you for wanting to go to school to fondle boobies! Also: I will send you my scrubs so you have some to start with because, obviously.

Anyway. No, you totally won’t kill yourself, because you’re going to nursing school because you want to, not as a Long Suffering Aunt Becky who hated every moment of it because I really wanted to be somewhere (anywhere) else.

The things I have to say about nursing school are this:

It’s exhausting. The pace they put you at was a new class load about every 8 weeks, which meant that we were on the quarter system. It was a semester’s worth of material in half the time, but that’s pretty indicative of how the medical field works (sink or swim) so you do get used to it. I swear.

No one will coddle you. But I know you and I think you’d punch someone in the cock if they tried to, so this is good. Just keep it in mind that you’re on your own and you’re going to be doing a lot of work. Again, you get used to it. I’m pretty sure if I tried to go back and take a normal college class I’d be disgusted by how easy it was.

It’s satisfying. I never wanted to be a nurse, but a lot of what I did learn was highly satisfying even if I only use that knowledge to gleefully correct televised medical dramas and/or solve the mystery on House, MD before his team does. I bat a pretty good average on that one, actually.

Actually, you probably won’t have to do much with needles in school (which, ROCK ON). Not only is a hugemongeous liability for the school because y’all could be throwing around blood-borne pathogens thanks to poor needle practices, but every hospital uses different needles AND has a different set of standards for the way that their staff handles needles.

Needle work comes once you get hired somewhere or work somewhere as a patient care tech.

Other than that, I have a huge amount of respect for nurses and anyone who wants to become one. So to you, I take my hat off. Or I would if I were wearing one. Actually, I might be wearing one, but the flu has made me hallucinate.

Was my mother right: Does the white stuff around oranges have nutrients like iron? Is it good for you? I’ve gone my whole life choking on the stuff and/or painstakingly peeling it off. I have to know!


The white stuff around the oranges is called “pith” which sounds very properly English, doesn’t it? I can only picture English people saying it dressed in fancy 18th century garb (like those gigantic headdresses) while sipping tea, but THAT, Pranksters, is the drugs talking.

Anyway, my parents were always saying the same things to me, although they never quoted iron specifically. But it was always “nutritious things” in that pith. And when I went to look it up, the only word among the many, many I found, that made any sense whatsoever was “fiber.”

The rest sounded like New Age made-up words. Which, maybe they were. Because I’d never heard of them before. And clearly, if *I* hadn’t heard of them, they were fake words.

Either way, the pith of an orange tastes like butthole, that we can all agree on. And generally, the things on this planet that aren’t lethal that taste like butthole are really good for you. So my guess is that the pith is probably really good for you.

(I still peel it off. I like bitter things–like my heart–but that shit is WAAAAY too bitter for me)


As always, Pranksters, please feel free to fill in where I left off in the comments.

P.S. This probably makes no sense because I’m still hallucinating.

P.P.S. I am going to punch the flu in the cock.

P.P.P.S. I wish the flu had a cock so I could punch it there. Hard.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
17 Comments to

“Go *wheeze* Ask Aunt *cough* Becky”

  1. On May 23rd, 2010 at 1:40 am Katherine Says:

    I’m in a similar situation as the first questioner, I want to go to grad school, and still am not sure how I’m going to pay for it. But, since my undergrad degree’s in humanities, and I want to get a PharmD (and you can go straight from a Bachelor’s to Pharmacy school!), I have a buttload of science-y type pre-req’s I have to take. Thankfully, they are offered at my local community college, so I’m working on that while I work on the grad school funding. Although with the way my life/job is going, I’ll probably qualify for free student aid here pretty soon!

    Anyway, what gets me through is two things: one, the time is going to pass anyway, I might as well spend it working towards where I want to be, this way, everyday, I’m one step closer; and two, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! I can’t think about the fact that I need a couple hundred grand for pharmacy school. Right now, I need next semester’s tuition and books. (I do think about long term choices, loans, scholarships etc, but not day to day)

    I also hear there’s good money to be made in a home webcam porn business… 🙂

  2. On May 23rd, 2010 at 3:53 am Brianna Says:

    Because I am weird and know strange things, I can actually answer the orange question. (Mock me not! I rule Trivial Pursuit, damnit!) Besides the fiber Aunt Becky mentioned (I’d rather eat my own arm for fiber than eat pith, thankyouverymuch) the highest concentration of Vitamin C in an orange is actually contained in the peel and pith. So, uh, add the grated peel to a smoothie or a pasta dish or some such creative shit, and call it good. Because EWWWWW, pith!

    Also? I assume Zak to be male. Male LCs are fucking awesome and deserve a hearty good blowjob for taking on the preconceptions that only women can fondle other women’s boobies in a helpful manner. Hooray for boobies!

  3. On May 23rd, 2010 at 8:31 am V Says:

    Sweet! Thanks! I just was wondering if I should stop wasting all that time trying to peel it off!

  4. On May 23rd, 2010 at 5:42 am Paige Says:

    To the first person, if you got laid off, your first stop needs to be the unemployment office. I know here in WV, they’ll pay part of your tuition when you’re laid off. In some cases, they’ll pay a pretty good chunk of it.

  5. On May 23rd, 2010 at 7:39 am The Daver Says:

    If you have any concerns about paying for school, and you live in the US, go here:

    Once you do that paperwork and, start searching for grants & scholarships. Being a ‘nontraditional’ student, it’s likely that you’ll qualify for a variety of things that you won’t have to compete with ‘traditional’ students for.

    Most importantly, remember that interest on student loans is tax-deductible up to a certain income level, and the education/qualifications to do what you really WANT to do every day is PRICELESS.

    Good luck!!!

  6. On May 23rd, 2010 at 11:48 am mepsipax Says:

    Aw the drugs…..much better than working on Sunday….which I am …..after 13 hr days all week. It is a good thing I love my job.
    About the college thing….just do it. You can find a way if you talk to enough people. There are scholarships for single mothers. I came out with some debt (and by some I mean a lot) but I am now doing what I wanted.

  7. On May 23rd, 2010 at 12:49 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    I don’t think you have to be a nurse to be a lactation consultant. I think it’s a separate course of training.

  8. On May 23rd, 2010 at 1:08 pm TeacherMommy Says:

    I’m one of the crazy people who loves the pith on an orange. In fact, I’ll take the orange peel (you know, the nice thick ones with about a quarter inch or more of pith mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) and just gnaw that stuff right down to the little orange oil nubs on the underside of the skin.

    But then, I’m weird.

  9. On May 23rd, 2010 at 12:23 pm Katie Says:

    My midwife told us that pith contains lots of potassium and suggested that hubby (who has high blood pressure) make a point to eat it. As long as you don’t go too deep into the pith it’s not really bitter. Not peeling it off the orange is probably good for you. And a lot less time consuming!

  10. On May 23rd, 2010 at 12:30 pm Regina Says:

    I like to scrape the pith off of the orange peel with my teeth, So did my Dad, so I guess it’s genetic.

  11. On May 23rd, 2010 at 12:46 pm GP Says:

    Luckily, I am allergic to citric acid so I don’t have to deal with “pith issues.” Pith is a runner-up for the “ugly words” list, but just doesn’t quite make the cut. Chaunch, weenus (elbow skin), girth, snark and quim are always in the top ten.
    Punching the flu in the cock makes me wonder….where would you find the flu’s cock? Maybe the flu’s cock hangs out with the “turkey boob?” The other day, my son asked, “Mom, when we eat turkey breast, does that mean we’re eating the turkey’s BOOOOBS?” Nice visual son…thanks. He definitely enjoyed the sound of BOOOB coming out of his mouth and continued to say it. My brilliant response was, “no, it’s just different.” He says, “how is it different? A breast means BOOOOBS…so we ARE eating the turkey’s BOOBS.” I really didn’t even have a come-back. I just started wondering if turkeys had nipples….sick.

  12. On May 23rd, 2010 at 3:55 pm pattypunker Says:

    neurotic one – do what the daver says! go to the fafsa website. you can get low-interest loans. this is the good debt to have! well worth it in the long run. do it, you’re still very young.

    aunt becky – i hope you can punch flu in the clock soon! xoxo

  13. On May 23rd, 2010 at 8:50 pm carrie meadows Says:


    I am not sure that you have to go to nursing school to become a LC. To work in a hospital, yes. But, to work with a private, outside service, such as partnering with a doula or post-partum nurse, I don’t think you have to be an RN, as long as you meet the requirements for becoming a certified lactation consultant.

  14. On May 23rd, 2010 at 9:13 pm michele Says:

    For the first questioner – I am 40, married with 2 kids, one of which is diabetic, have a full time job and a mentally ill (MAJOR depression) husband. I knew it all at 19 and dropped out of college. I too wondered how I would pay for the paper that proves I know everything. Two words – Student loans. I didn’t want to overmortgage the house, we don’t make *that* much, and I *really* need that paper. I rationalize it by equating it to the mortgage. Hopefully in 30 years when its paid off, I’ll have made money – hopefully when I get that degree, I’ll be able to make more money.
    I took a whole bunch of general ed courses at my community college, and the 4 school year took me in as a junior. All of my classes are online. This give me time to do stuff when the kiddies are sleeping – most of my assignments are submitted after midnight. The best part is that these classes are easy – I have a 4.0 average and I am *not* a 4.0 person. I don’t know if expectations have been lowered, but I’ve gotten A’s on papers that would have gotten me a C in high school. Or it could be that age and experience have made me smarter.
    Bottom line – Do It!

  15. On May 23rd, 2010 at 10:19 pm Zakary Says:

    1. I’m not a man, but it would be cool if I was.

    2. I know I don’t need to be an RN to be a LC, but I really want to try and go all out so I can work in a hospital. Most importantly, I need a fucking skill.

    3. Thank you, Aunt Becky. I knew you would give me answers. I will be bacl.

  16. On May 24th, 2010 at 11:25 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Pith is disgusting and dreadful and a good representation of all that is wrong with the world.

    That is all.

  17. On May 24th, 2010 at 5:56 pm BB Says:

    For The Neurotic One from the first question. I received an e-mail about this today. Maybe it is worth a try.

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