Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Can’t Blog, Spam’ll Eat Me


I was entirely shocked to find not a single Mountain Folk in Assville, NC, where I spent the weekend. I’d been hoping for some banjos, a dog named Blue, or perhaps, a fuckton of toothless yokels.

I saw none. I was mildly distressed by this.

In fact, Assville, NC, is a HIPPIE town. An EXPENSIVE Hippie Town. Who knew? My parents would have felt right at home.

(I did, however, eventually see a guy playing a banjo)

(that pretty much ruled)

Anyhow, I woke up Sunday morning and checked my email because I cannot possibly function if my email remains unchecked. I mean, what if TODAY is the day that House, MD calls me and begs me to write for his show?

My email was, as per usual, full of stupid sites whose email lists I cannot manage to remove myself from, and a curious thing. I had at least fifty new posts for Band Back Together. That’s, um, out of the ordinary. But, I congratulated myself, perhaps it was all the people I’d just MET. Maybe I had, in fact, strong-armed into writing for us and/or working WITH us.

So I clicked to see what the title of one of the posts was:

“The Many Benefits Related To Obtaining Superior Mortgages.”


I clicked through and saw that all of the fifty new posts were, in fact, spam. Well, that’s not so fancy. Spam users I’m used to. Spam posts? That’s a whole ‘nother ball game.

That put me in a not-so-sparkly mood.

As bloggers, we’re all familiar with spam. I currently have 500 spam comments that are awaiting my glistening eyes to sort through. That’s just from yesterday.

But Band Back Together is different than a personal blog because it’s not just my ass blathering away at you. See, everyone who posts must first create their own account – email, username, password – so really, it’s their blog too. Same goes for Mushroom Printing.

Spam users: I expect. Spam posts? Not so much. But these posts just kept rolling in. I deleted over a hundred and thirty of them before installing a simple capcha for anyone registering. (It’s a math problem, not those stupid letters, because those letters are BULLSHIT.)

I was Furious George until I came across this gem in my inbox:


And then I felt my life was, in a word, complete.

Perhaps I should publish it. I’d bet that would help MORE than a few people.


I wrote this about Special Needs Parenting, over at Cafe Mom. You should read it.


What are you feeling ranty about, Pranksters?

(you can publish any snarky rants over at Mushroom Printing, too)

40 Comments to

“Can’t Blog, Spam’ll Eat Me”

  1. On June 28th, 2011 at 10:17 am amber Says:

    Are you serious? How the heck did that happen? Those spammers better get some bad, bad karma for this…

  2. On June 28th, 2011 at 10:47 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Just *headdesk* all day.

  3. On June 28th, 2011 at 10:18 am Andie Says:

    Last week I was ranty about ignorant mofos who stand right in front of the door of my office building making exiting impossible without slamming someone with said door. I may have to parlay it into a mushroom print, because that shit still pisses me off.

    And now wordpress is giving me a hard time about commenting. Again. My ninja-like commenting skills are too much for them.

  4. On June 28th, 2011 at 10:47 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    WordPress is a fuckwad.

  5. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:05 am Penbleth Says:

    I think there might well be a market for the anti-farting post.

  6. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:14 am VEG Says:

    I’m not saying that *I* would read that fart post. But you bet your ass (!) my “friend” would. I’m just sayin’.

  7. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:15 am Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    Wait, you went to a place called Assville? Really? I thought that was a joke at first.

  8. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:16 am Brandon Says:

    I’m still in that young naive blogging phase where I find spam amusing. To an extent.

    Maybe one day I’ll craft my own spam post? Just to throw off the masses? I’ll talk about my penis enlarging pills and how I made billions thanks to a distant cousin from Nigeria.

    Oh wait, the penis pills aren’t a joke…

  9. On June 29th, 2011 at 12:22 am Val Payne Says:

    Me too.


    Yeast infection for you! it the best thing that can happen to you

  10. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:38 am Libby Says:

    At least it wasn’t the “I hate American women” dude. He needs help.

  11. On June 28th, 2011 at 12:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, now, he’s my boyfriend.

  12. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:42 am Selzach Says:

    Yes, Assville is a hippy town. I went to college there and loved it. If ya go an hour or so west of there things are a looooot different. Places with names like “Booger Bottom”.

  13. On June 30th, 2011 at 2:46 pm shelly Says:

    LOl im from tricities in TN not far from there, and yea you don’t have to look far thats for sure. Hell what am i saying half my family falls into that catagory, wouldnt have it any other way though.

  14. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:45 am Emily Says:

    You were in NC? Why wasn’t I informed. I live in NC- I’ve been to “Assville”. We haven’t met, but we’d totally be BFFs if we did. Next time you’re coming to the mountains of NC let me know and I’ll introduce you to my moonshine friend.

  15. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:45 am chimomwriter Says:

    Holy shit – that’s unreal. How does someone even control that…?

    I am ranty about having the stomach flu at home with 2 kids who won’t sleep at night while my husband travels. Who hasn’t called to see if we’re alive or not.

  16. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:45 am chimomwriter Says:

    Holy shit – that’s unreal. How does someone even control that…?

    I am ranty about having the stomach flu at home with 2 kids who won’t sleep at night while my husband travels. Who hasn’t called to see if we’re alive or not.

  17. On June 28th, 2011 at 12:20 pm Vanessa Says:

    Hey I live in Assville, why was I not informed earlier of the greatness of Aunt Becky here? I totally would have taken you to the little known mullet central parts of this town.

  18. On June 29th, 2011 at 2:52 pm Liz Says:

    I live in Assville too! Work an hour west…really close to the mullet areas.

  19. On June 29th, 2011 at 4:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I need some mullet pictures NOW.

  20. On June 30th, 2011 at 11:13 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. How did we NOT hang out? This is fucking bullshit.

  21. On June 30th, 2011 at 2:52 pm Vanessa Says:

    Dude this weekend I will take mullet pictures and send them to you. I’m quite the mullet aficionado. There are categories of mullets after all. We also have an area of town knows as Weavervegas (not kidding its been referred to as that since I can remember and I was born her in Assville)

  22. On June 30th, 2011 at 2:58 pm Liz Says:

    Vanessa–I work in the ‘whee. I just need to hit up Wal-Mart tomorrow!

    Aunt Becky–I’m working on getting you some pictures too. I gotta go buy a tv tray and a lamp tomorrow, so I’m bound to get some then.

  23. On June 28th, 2011 at 12:21 pm Darktouch Says:

    I’d be good with some simple guidelines for willing myself to stop snoring… or to convince the dog that her breakfast time is sometime after 5:00 and not 3:15 like her brain told her this morning. Farting… whatever.

  24. On June 28th, 2011 at 1:35 pm magpie Says:

    Wow. Spam posts, huh? Will wonders never cease?

  25. On June 28th, 2011 at 3:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. And here I was, thinking I’d seen it all.

  26. On June 28th, 2011 at 4:49 pm Kelly Says:

    Well??? What IS the easiest way an individual can easily stop farting? I NEED TO KNOW!!!

  27. On June 28th, 2011 at 10:48 pm PottyMouthMommy Says:

    I am feeling super-ranty over the other chromosome contributor of my oldest daughter… it actually falls along the lines of your father’s day post… and I would totally get all up in the biznass of the band and write a post right now if I wasn’t currently trying to coordinate a move half way across the country with things going completely batshit fucky at EVERY. STINKING. TURN. but let me just say this- if you are a born-again christian, and you get all up in my face about God,and forgiveness and how you’re all holier than thou while being FOUR GD MONTHS behind in your child support payments and having missed SIX out of the last ten visitations with your ONLY child- I WILL CUT YOU!!!!!

  28. On June 28th, 2011 at 11:57 pm Malachi Says:

    I visited Asheville….I remember seeing a metric fuckton of lesbians, my sister was in heaven. Everyone seemed far more accepting of my gay self’s attraction for men who look like Gerard Butler than down here in Dixie Flagville…. =) So much amazing organic and vegetarian food!!!

  29. On June 29th, 2011 at 12:19 am Jacinta Says:

    I’m ranty about the fact that your new layout is making it near impossible for me to read your blog.

    The message that is coming up includes this script:
    Not sure if that helps at all. Also, I’m on Firefox and using Windows 7.
    Hoping I can get back to looking through your archives soon!

  30. On June 29th, 2011 at 12:22 am The Daver Says:

    Yes. We are troubleshooting this right now. Sorry for the interruption!

  31. On June 29th, 2011 at 1:34 am Varda (SquashedMom) Says:

    That is just … weird. SpamPosts, yuck!

    Love the look of the new blog design. Even if it is repeating the post 100 times in a row on my browser tonight (still working the coding kinks out, huh?)

  32. On June 29th, 2011 at 1:38 am amvth Says:

    Snarky? NO!!! truthfull yes!

  33. On June 29th, 2011 at 4:05 am wagthedad Says:

    Never had any spam posts, but another site I’m working on (haven’t promoted it yet) with scary stories for kids, got hacked. So totally hacked I went in there and my header was “Hacked By So-and-So.” Then all of my cute little scary kid stories were filled with ads for Viagra and whatnot. I wrote to about twenty of the linked sites complaining but no one wrote me back.

    So I’m planning on hacking them and putting in a bunch of stuff about kids taking Viagra. I think that’ll get them.

  34. On June 29th, 2011 at 7:17 am John Says:

    I’d read that post.

    I’m really, really, really surprised that you were getting spam posts. It seems like a ton of work to program such a bot that would complete the registration & automate a posting.

    If only the bot authors could turn their work toward good.

  35. On June 29th, 2011 at 8:04 am KJ Says:

    It just now dawned on me where you were… the “hippie town” part cleared it up for me. Yeah, that place is all rich-ass preppy wannabe hippies and baby boomers who think they’re cool. I should know, bc my MIL lives there. I assume, since you enjoyed yourself, that you didn’t run into her. I hope you made time to have authentic NC bbq!

  36. On June 29th, 2011 at 9:37 am Tina Says:

    Aunt Becky…all you needed was for me to drive less than 2 hours to pick you up from Assville and I could have taken you to the super-major hotspot of toothless hicks: GASTON COUNTY. (not the county I live in, thank you very much, but right next door…our county has it’s share of hicks, but the Gas House is full of them.)

  37. On June 29th, 2011 at 6:01 pm Lola Says:

    Hi Aunt Becky! I’m new to your blog and I now have a huge girl crush on you!

    So, are you saying that when I received THIS in my inbox that it was SPAM?

    “Thank you for giving superb informations. Your website is consequently cool. I am astounded with the important points that you’ve achieve with this blog.”

    I was POSITIVE it was from one of my Uzbekistanian readers, as I would imagine I have many.

    Now I’m sad.
    But happy that I found YOU!

  38. On June 30th, 2011 at 11:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! Mine normally insult me. Your spammers are POLITE!

  39. On June 30th, 2011 at 2:45 pm shelly Says:

    OH Aunt Becky had I known you were gonna be so close!!! assville lol is just about an hour from me. And if your ever down this way again, give me a yell. I live in East TN and can take you to the hillbillys lol
    in a hurry like!

  40. On June 30th, 2011 at 7:19 pm Ashley Says:

    We live in NC… about an hour and a half from Assville. Thats a hour and a half drive into HICK country. Dog named Blue, a Bango and a WHOLE bunch of toothless people? Come on over. We are from Michigan and Ive had to really adjust.

    For example…. ‘Y’all’ is singular. ‘All y’all’ is the plural.
    Ive also come to realize that ‘Bless ‘Em’ or any form of ‘Bless your heart!’ actually means ‘SUCKS TO BE YOU.’

    The south… you just have to hit some back roads, get out of the city and you will meet plenty of toothless people with dogs named Blue.

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