Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Continuing Saga Of Dumbasses In The Ghetto


Part I

Part II

One upon a January afternoon, three dumbasses walked into the ghetto (click to read the story), armed with bags of costumes and more makeup than a stripper could possibly use in her lifetime on the pole, which was a good thing, because we were on our way to LOOK like hookers – BAD hookers, I should add.

We were on our way to a photo shoot, which you’d think would be something that, as a child who grew up thinking the cameras in her face were actually paparazzi capturing her every blunder, I’d have been excited about, but I as I’d had to retake Yee Old Thanksgiving Family Portraits so often that I’d never learned that turkey was actually supposed to be warm, I wasn’t.

I was dead nervous.

Partially, it was the horrifying outfit I was wearing, so unlike the t-shirt and jeans I’d thrown on in the meantime. After Band Back Together had taken over the Blogger Body Calendar, we were all EYE OF THE TIGER about the 2013 calendar. Which I was in. You can call me “Ms. January, if’n you’d like,” or you can call me “Al,” if you don’t.

I’d ordered the outfit from some dance supply company, and it was too big, which meant my boobs flopped around like oranges in tube socks.

Band Back Together 2013 Calendar

While the jaunty, spangly beret came with the awful oufit, I decided that I didn’t particularly want to wear it, perched atop my head like the world’s most ridiculous acorn cap – although to be fair, it may have made me APPEAR to be smarter – we all know that objects in mirror are stupider than they appear. The hat was no exception.

Even my daughter, who loves a good shiny almost as much as I do, decided it was hideous and refused to pose for a picture in it. Guess she’s got better taste than I do. Plus, it appears that if you wear the hat, you lose your calves and feet, and while I’m not entirely sure that WON’T happen with me one day, I’d rather not expedite that particular process. I’m rather fond of my feet, which do things like ensure I can walk into the kitchen to make ridiculously terrible coffee.

Anyway, I’d been waiting and waiting for the stylist to show up before Dawn and The Guy Formerly On My Couch were all, “Fuck, Becks, come here – let US style you.” So I did. What else could I do? Find some hooker and make her apply makeup more expertly? It was WAY too early in the morning for hookers.

Instead, my two “friends,” armed with a crimping wand and some makeup we found around the photo studio did my makeup in such a manner that I appeared to be a hideously BAD Diana Ross imposter, one of those things you just don’t wake up one morning and say, “today? I will do my BEST (WORST) Diana Ross impression.”

The pictures turned out better than expected, and all was right with the world.

Well, until I had to walk back to the car looking like a half-priced Diana Ross imposter, wishing I could stand around taking photos of the area without someone trying to buy a happy ending for 5 bucks.

I sorta forgot about the pictures because I’ve been a little busy with stuff-n-things, until Dawn reminded me, once again, that I needed to pull my head from my bung and LOOK AT THE DAMN pictures. Am I the only one who loathes looking at pictures of themselves? I can’t be. Because I totally do. I was basically all, *covers eyes* “WOW THAT LOOKS, *squinches up face in what I hoped would look like interest and not horror, * AMAZING!”

I can’t believe anyone puts up with me, either.

Anyway, the 2013, Band Back Together: I Am The Face Of Calendars are both ready and on sale – we’re doing a presale right now because obviously, cheaper is better (OR SO I HEAR).

Front Cover:

Band Back Together 2013 Calendar

Back Cover:

Band Back Together 2013 Calendar

If you’d like a pretty awesome calendar, even if it’s so you can hurl darts at my face, you can totally get one here.

Band Back Together 2013 Calendar

So, um, what are you supporting when you buy this?

Keeping the lights on over at Band Back Together. Why? Isn’t that shit free?

Oddly, no. To handle the volume of work the site does, we rely on donations – often out of my pocket – to keep the servers whirring and clicking away.

Proceeds from the 2013 Band Back Together Calendar will be used for outreach efforts in 2013.

Band Back Together runs as a nonprofit, meaning we do not profit from any incoming funds. All proceeds go directly into Band efforts such as server costs or outreach efforts. As of this writing, we have not received a federal nonprofit status, therefore purchases or donations are (unfortunately) not tax deductible at this time.

posted under Band Back Together
10 Comments to

“The Continuing Saga Of Dumbasses In The Ghetto”

  1. On September 18th, 2012 at 10:08 am @mommywantsvodka Says:

    The Continuing Saga Of Dumbasses In The Ghetto

  2. On September 18th, 2012 at 6:29 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Ah, a very cool way to raise money for an awesome cause!

  3. On September 19th, 2012 at 12:10 am Grace Says:

    Yay!! I can’t wait!

  4. On September 19th, 2012 at 12:30 am alexis (You can call me Al) Says:

    In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

    This has absolutely nothing to do with the price of tea in China, but it sounded profound to me and I decoded to share it.

  5. On September 19th, 2012 at 1:43 am alexis (You can call me Al) Says:

    P.S. “Dumbass ” is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful words in the English language. As soon as I am old enough that I don’t have to worry about being sent to my room (which will be in approximately two months, ten days, and sixteen minutes, not that anyone is counting) I’m going to find a way to work it into my conversation at least once every five minutes.

  6. On September 19th, 2012 at 6:21 am @triplezmom Says:

    Buy a calendar, people. The Continuing Saga Of Dumbasses In The Ghetto via @mommywantsvodka

  7. On September 19th, 2012 at 7:16 am Cindy Says:

    this calendar rocks. Photo shoots did not. Well, they did, except for the sitting in the floor contorted into an impossible position. Whatever, it was worth it. I’m #withtheband

  8. On September 19th, 2012 at 10:19 am Aubrey Says:

    OOH! Can’t wait to get mine ordered. Also. Would love to know if I could help with the 2014 calendar. That would be so much fun. Can’t wait to get my calendar. 🙂

  9. On September 19th, 2012 at 5:59 pm Joules Says:

    I cannot wait to hang your sparkly hotness on mah wall, yo

  10. On September 21st, 2012 at 2:40 pm @Diane_Drudge Says:

    The Continuing Saga Of Dumbasses In The Ghetto

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...