Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Glamor Shots


Sorry to leave you hanging, Pranksters, but I knew a 2500 word story would make half of you fall asleep and the other half of you throwing shit at your computer in horror. How! Can! A! Blog! Be! So! Long!

Part I

We arrived at our destination, which had both wrought iron bars on the windows and the door – apparently one is not suitable – and had a five minute debate over who had to knock. In the end, we insisted The Guy On The Couch was the unlucky one. We made him knock – hey, we’re small white chicks; if someone opened up the door high on Special K, I’d rather not be the one directly in his or her punching radius.

Lo and behold, it was, in fact, the right address so we were greeted by my photog, Josh Hawkins, who looked tan and fit, which made ME want to take some Special K and beat him ugly. He lives in Vegas, lucky asshole.

Inside the place was like nothing I’d expected. Where I’d expected to see a couple homeless guys camping out and sleeping off their 40’s from the night before, possibly a couple of hookers looking for blow, I found it was a nice, roomy studio. It even had a working bathroom and fresh paint on the walls. (sidebar: you know you’re on the wrong side of the tracks when you’re happy the place has a bathroom) I was thrilled. I hadn’t yet changed from my Happy Pants into my outfit, and while I’d change in front of all three of them, I’d rather, um, pretend to be modest.

(three vaginal births later, I’m just as apt to take off my pants and “assume the position” as I am to shake your hand. I can possibly do both AT THE SAME TIME, but that is neither here nor there)

I’d caught Josh as he finished up a photo shoot with an old friend of mine, Janet, who once had a blog, but like most of the sane world, disbanded it many years ago. This gave Dawn, The Guy on my Couch and I some time to sit on what turned out to be the world’s most uncomfortable sofa where we chattered on about the Band Back Together 2013 calendar, which we were actually risking life and limb for.

I was nervous as hell.

Every time I panicked a little, I talked myself down: “the stylist would be here soon. The stylist would be here soon.” I hadn’t looked as bad as I did since, oh, the last time I went to Chuck-E-Cheese (read: the day before).

A refresher course on what I happened to look like walking into the place.

Yeah. That. See? Eye Slugs (or some weird thingy you put on your eyes if your eyes are puffy and/or have circles underneath them. I got them as swag one year and they totally burned my eyes (talk about swag promotional materials backfiring)

But I sat there on the couch, pretending to “work” (which involved a lot of Tweeting) as I waited for the stylist. An hour past the time she was supposed to show, Josh finally said, “Um, I can’t get a hold of her. I am not happy.” Then he went on about some other stuff as my brain melted out of my nose.

fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

I hadn’t brought any makeup. My hair was still damp from the shower. I wasn’t even wearing real pants.

Josh pointed me at a room he called the, “You Look Fine, Honey” room. Dawn and I made a beeline for it – it had a mirror, some awful props and, BINGO! A button of makeup. I said a quick prayer to the gods of theatre that Dawn had worked on stage in college as she went to work on my face.

Ten minutes later, I slithered into what is easily the ugliest item of clothing I own, threw on some fishnets, and said, “Oh FUCK. What am I gonna do with my HAIR?”

Oh yes, Pranksters, it even comes with the beret. Talk about winning! P.S. That is not me. P.P.S. Anyone want the outfit?

My hair hates to be forced to curl. My hair is a “I don’t need no stinkin’ curling iron telling ME what to do” independent kinda hair. My hair hates the color pink, any given Sunday, life, liberty and the pursuit of happyness. THIS was why I needed the ever-loving stylist to show up and save the day.

She didn’t.

So while Dawn got to work fixing the hair on The Guy on the Couch, I was left to my own devices. I found a studded masquerade mask, a bottle of red liquid that claimed to take makeup off, and some bizarre three pronged hair curler.

After I decided that it was not, in fact, a dildo, I plugged it in and began to work on my hair.

Rather than actually making me appear both chic, stylist and ready for the camera, I looked like a bastardized version of Beyonce. Or Diana Ross.

Frankly, I preferred the Eye Slug look.

Especially since it meant that there was no way I could leave without being mistaken for a particularly bad hooker. And shit, I didn’t want other hookers assuming I was there to take their bizness away.

The only comfort in all of this is knowing that I have a graphic designer on hand to fix whatever I did wrong (read: all of it)

Thank the Good Lord of Butter.

18 Comments to

“Glamor Shots”

  1. On April 3rd, 2012 at 11:55 am thepsychobabble Says:

    I’m sure it turned out utterly amazing. I mean, how wrong can it go w/the whole sparkles thing going on?

  2. On April 3rd, 2012 at 11:59 am leanne Says:

    Can’t where to see where this story goes!

  3. On April 3rd, 2012 at 12:00 pm leanne Says:

    I mean, can’t wait. CAN”T WAIT.

  4. On April 3rd, 2012 at 12:31 pm JMomma Says:

    You look gorgeous, Becks.

  5. On April 3rd, 2012 at 12:38 pm Rachel Says:

    Well, you look simply stunning… the dress is a wee bit too sparkly for my taste, but I’m curious to see how the whole shoot came out!!

    sidenote – my hair has its own opinions on what it wants to do, too! Looks like you tamed yours!!

  6. On April 3rd, 2012 at 1:01 pm Fallah Says:

    I would have died if the stylist didn’t show. DIED. Oh gosh. All my crazy-making catastrophizing come to life. Then again, I probably would have brought a shit-ton of my own makeup “just in case” like a crazy person. But my hair would have been fucked, for reals.

    I can’t wait to see where this story ends…

  7. On April 3rd, 2012 at 1:19 pm Grace Says:

    My mom’s hair is like yours – it laughs at curling irons. My hair will tolerate curling iron curls for about a half hour. Then it goes flat. Pin curls on the other hand, my hair seems to LOVE!

    Looking forward to Part 2!!

  8. On April 3rd, 2012 at 2:25 pm Starle Says:

    This is going to be awesome. I cannot wait!

  9. On April 3rd, 2012 at 4:46 pm Lynda M O Says:

    Hair with opinions, yep, got a headful of that myself. This mop just cracks up when it sees rollers or curling irons or straightening combs. So I wrestle it under/into a beret or shove it thru the back of my baseball cap collection and out the door. It’s hair, fer christ’s sake, leave it have its way. Does wonders for the inside of that head too to be able to be at Peace with something we will have for many years.

  10. On April 3rd, 2012 at 5:38 pm Cousin J Says:

    I might have to steal “The Good Lord of Butter”

  11. On April 3rd, 2012 at 7:51 pm Jenn Says:

    I’m sure you looked pretty! … eye slugs… I think i might have peed… Also do they work? I has terrible dark puffy circles.

  12. On April 3rd, 2012 at 8:19 pm stephgas Says:

    i think you look nice.

  13. On April 3rd, 2012 at 8:49 pm Sherry Says:

    First of all in the first pic you look about 12 in addition to very perky and cute. Secondly, In the second pic you are stunning (not withstanding the sparkly outfit and my obvious redundant nature in this comment). Therefore…you shall be heretofore referred to as The Stunningly Cute Bitch That Writes The Blog (TSCBTWTB for short).

    I hate you. No really I do.

    But I also can’t wait to read the next installment.

    Okay I don’t really hate you but I am very jealous.

  14. On April 3rd, 2012 at 10:03 pm katrina Says:

    Everytime you post a pix you look prettier and prettier. seriously.

  15. On April 4th, 2012 at 5:19 pm Marta Says:

    You look like the best hooker I’ve ever seen.

  16. On April 4th, 2012 at 6:51 pm Mrs. One Day Says:

    You look beautiful before AND after. It’s gonna be awesome! I can’t wait to do my shoot. I know what I’m gonna do for makeup, but I haven’t figured out the hair part yet.

  17. On April 5th, 2012 at 12:33 am Michael Rochelle Says:

    First: You look great in the “after” shot.

    Second: What?1? People don’t like long blog entries?!?! Even when they’re entertaining?!?!? But they read books, right?!?!? Certainly “Twilight” and “The Hunger Games” are longer than 2,500 words and nobody complained about that!!! :>)

    Third: “High on Special K” and “assume the position” will be on my mind all day.

  18. On April 25th, 2012 at 1:06 am Brooke Says:

    Ohhhh my this cracked me up. I photograph primarily women, and have had stylists flake on me too – it can be horrifying! I can’t wait to see the finished shots. 😉

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...