Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Your Roses Really Smell Like Poo-Poo


As someone who very recently professed that she not only wants to make babies with likes hardware stores and wants desperately to join a roller derby, but also plans to learn how to properly box (the sport, Uncle Pervies, the SPORT), you may find the following statement to be at odds with who you think that I may be.

I’m heavily into gardening. (and not just bush-wacking. Which, dudes, have you SEEN that razor commercial where the unruly bushes turn into perfectly landscaped pseudo-crotches? There’s the classic triangle, the landing strip, and uh, I forgot the third one, but I don’t think it’s a Brazilian but maybe it should be. It’s almost obscene, yo.)


I know, I know, it’s about the least hardcore thing to profess a love for, but I figured since it’s Saturday and the only people bored enough to peruse my blog are a number of spam bots looking for “mommy punish my ass for i have been bad girl” (my search terms would likely turn your hair grey. They make me want to shower in a bucket of bleach), most of my readers will never see this statement. And if this turns the creepy spam bots away from me, well, the world will be a brighter place for us all.

Nor, I hope, will they see the longest run-on-sentence in history (see above).

I don’t grow, of course, vegetables, herbs or anything else that might serve much of a purpose. Partially because no one (besides ickle Aunt Becky) in Casa de la Sausage would dare TOUCH a vegetable, and partially because the rabbits eat the shit out of those fuckers. Also, I tend to use pretty heavy fertilizer on my roses, and I can’t grow stuff that you eat in that flower bed.

My post-miscarriage therapy for #2 was three rose bushes, all of which were sorely neglected when my last crotch parasite came on board last year, but ended up faring just fine. In fact, one of my roses deserves a prize or something for being just absurdly awesome. Also, it’s radioactive, which adds, I’m sure, to it’s awesome factor. Because radioactivity = RAD.

It’s a lucky break, I suppose, for The Daver that I enjoy getting down and dirty in the garden, as he has about as much interest in going outside as he does to get a hot coffee enema. He’s pasty, Internet, which is a kind, kind way of saying that he sort of combusts when in direct sunlight, and, as a geek, he’s pretty much allergic to anything that does not operate Linux.

I’ve been sort of on hiatus from the garden lately because the garden in August in the Midwest = wasps and wasps + Aunt Becky = anaphylaxis. I do have an epi-pen, well, I have two, but I’m under strict orders to call 911 after I administer the first dose. Apparently, many people need two doses. And you know what? I don’t really have the time, energy, or babysitters enough to manage an ambulance ride to the ER these days.

And the recovery? HA. I only wish I had the chance to think about laying around on a couch while my children sweetly served me grapes, while fanning me with large ficus branches. Because yeah, if I ACTUALLY laid down on the couch? Alex would try peeling out my eyeballs while Amelia teethed on my nose. Ben, though, I’m sure would be happy to feed me grapes in exchange for some Wii time because bribery is TOTALLY the way to go.

So, banished from my garden–I will be braving it tonight, Internet, which I am sure is very, very thrilling news, and you will be biting your nails on the edge of your seat just waiting for me to return to tell you of the weeding I did–I turned to the one thing I could safely do indoors: grow orchids.

(shut UP)

Try as I might, there’s just no cool way to talk about how fucking wicked orchids are. Because nothing about the phrase ‘I repotted my orchid’ gives me anything other than Epic Dork Points. It’s almost as Full of The Dork as ‘I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM.’

Now if you’ll excuse me kindly, Internet, I’m off to do dorky things like….reprogram my Linux box* or um, play World of Warcraft* or uh….[insert dorky thing to do here*].

Please tell me that I’m not the only one with a dorky hobby. Please tell me that the lot of you aren’t sitting somewhere Worldly or Continental drinking fantastically chic drinks with very yuppie garnishes and being all cool and fanciful and shit while I muck around in the, well, MUCK, I guess you could really call it.


*I totally don’t do any of these things because I am NOT a dork. No matter what my orchids say. Or my roses. Or even my peonies, those wily bastards.

102 Comments to

“Your Roses Really Smell Like Poo-Poo”

  1. On August 8th, 2009 at 2:34 pm Your Roses Really Smell Like Poo-Poo Says:

    […] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptAs someone who very recently professed that she not only wants to make babies with likes hardware stores and wants desperately to join a roller derby, but also plans to learn how to properly box (the sport, Uncle Pervies, the SPORT), you may find the following statement to be at odds with who you think that I may be. I’m heavily into gardening. (and not just bush-wacking. Which, dudes, have you SEEN that razor commercial where the unruly bushes turn into perfectly landscaped pseudo-crotches? […]

  2. On August 8th, 2009 at 2:43 pm Caron Says:

    Yea, I garden. I got two rose bushes with the house when we bought it. I can’t believe they haven’t died b/c I completely neglect them. I have a garden, but the only stuff that grows well are the HUGE peonies and the effing enormous rhubarb plant that, again, came with the house. I have no shade and I get pissed every year when the perennials I have to buy to replace last year’s dead perennials say ‘full sun’ but they don’t, apparently, mean full-on, Midwestern sunshine for 12 hours with no relief. I planted leeks…too close together. They got ‘weeded’ by a 10 year-old who was helping me, but they came back.

    What was the question? Do I have a hobby? Yes, I spend way too much time playing Scrabble on Facebook. Oh and I walk marathons & half-marathons.

  3. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:00 pm Kelly Garner Says:

    just cuz…me too likes gardening

  4. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:01 pm Kelly Garner Says:

    ok…no links allowed?

  5. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:02 pm Kelly Garner Says:

  6. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:05 pm Sarah Says:

    I long to garden, looooooong for it. So, like, how much more awesome are you if I am desperate to do your dorky thing but can’t? Cause I live in freaking Death Valley. No, not really, but close enough. And just as I was about to fully begin to appreciate CONTAINER GARDENING -wtf- we’re moving again. So… maybe next spring I’ll bond with your midwestern issues. *sigh*

    I do like to crochet though. Seriously. And reading, not bodice-rippers even, just real, live books.

    I could take up decopage if it would make you feel better.

  7. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:17 pm bri Says:

    I crochet. And quilt. Nuff said.

  8. On August 8th, 2009 at 2:28 pm Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy Says:

    I love gardening too! But I also love to be indoors during the summer because I too live in the Midwest – and even though the wasps don’t get to me, the humidity does! So I have the dorky habit of cultivating houseplants (hee hee … I mean the legal kind, although I’ve been thinking about buying one of those Aero Gardens for … ahem.) Anyway.

    My husband brought me a surprise houseplant the other day and I got all gushy like it was a dozen roses and a box of chocolates or something. (Although don’t get me wrong, I totally would’ve taken the chocolate.)

  9. On August 8th, 2009 at 2:31 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    I had some really beautiful rose bushes before we moved. I have none now and it makes me sad. So what I did instead of getting roses, I got pepper plants! Oh yes, I’m attempting to grow FOOD! I had 9 plants and now have 7..oops. Apparently you’re suppose to put them in the ground ASAP and not leave them on the back porch to SCORCH in the sun. Duly noted, peppers. Out of those 7 plants, a few of them actually have BLOOMS! (Is that what they’re called when they’re suppose to produce fruit?) I might, JUST might be able to get a pepper or two (if I’m VERY lucky) before the frost hits. This is Oregon and The Frost could hit ANY day. One just never knows. So I think you being able to grow more then one beautiful rose bush and an orchid id impressive! I’m jealous beyond all get out of your mucking ability. Have fun! And post pictures, DAMMIT!

  10. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:36 pm Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    /sigh… I build houses on the Sims 3… I don’t even play the game- I search different house plans on the interwebs and then try to build them in simland…. and then I play WoW….

    I’m renting right now- so the only “gardening” I get to do is a bush and a potted mini-rose that I’m not 100% convinced is entirely dead- because just when I think about getting rid of it- it bounces back and get buds and leaves and blooms on it again… I dunno- I’m SOOOO not a green thumb. Orchids are WICKED cool- but I am a plant killer.. I can’t even grow a damn cactus!!!

  11. On August 8th, 2009 at 2:41 pm Bobbi Says:

    We have rosebushes, but they belong solely to the hub. I do houseplants and veggies. Two things about growing veggies in the Northeast. 1 – apparently this year we’re having an invasion…infestation….whatever…of the same blight that caused the potato famine and it’s wiping out tomatoes. I have my best crop of tomatoes ever so it should be hitting my area tonight. And 2 – you can’t kill zucchini with a freakin’ blowtorch so why the hell can’t a get a single stupid squash? Why! Not 1!! I do have a couple of pumpkins, but damn it I’m waiting for zucchini bread.
    And did you know if you overwater aloe it gets incredibly mushy, brown and smelly? I do now.

  12. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:47 pm Chibbsy Says:

    Okay, first of all, I’ve seen those commercials a bajillion times and never noticed the ‘pseudo-crotches’. Now I’m sad, but eagerly looking forward to seeing the commercials again.

    Second, I find it somewhat disturbing that it is a bad girl that wants mommy to punish her. Not that girl on girl action is wrong, just that it’s usually the bad boys that want mommy to spank them. **wink**

    And thirdly, I want to knit, but I haven’t even found the time to go out and buy supplies and instructions since my 3rd born was born. So instead I sit in my front room looking out the window at my sadly neglected garden.

    I’m so lame.

  13. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:48 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    What can I say? You know me- happiest out in the garden or yard, covered in dirt, a few fire ants and with sweat running down my face.
    Well, except that I’m REALLY happiest with my chickens.
    I just like to think of myself as an old southern lady with a strong yard-working gene. That is not dorky at all. Right?

  14. On August 8th, 2009 at 4:07 pm Your Roses Really Smell Like Poo-Poo Says:

    […] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptAs someone who very recently professed that she not only wants to make babies with likes hardware stores and wants desperately to join a roller derby, but also plans to learn how to properly box (the sport, Uncle Pervies, the SPORT), you may find the following statement to be at odds with who you think that I may be. I’m heavily into gardening. (and not just bush-wacking. Which, dudes, have you SEEN that razor commercial where the unruly bushes turn into perfectly landscaped pseudo-crotches? […]

  15. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:23 pm Nissa Says:

    Ok I am worse then everyone here because I wish I could crochet, knit, or quilt but I cannot so alas I am stuck playing SIMS 3. Now that my friends is pathetic.

  16. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:35 pm Sara Says:

    I knit. Currently I am making dish rags. I am a dork, I know…

    I too like to garden, and cannot wait to move back to Indiana so I can get starters from my Auntie’s garden…

  17. On August 8th, 2009 at 4:43 pm Jessica Morgan Says:

    I *love* orchids! They are my fave flower. I wish I had a garden, but with my small apartment (and my brown thumb) sprouting wheat is the best I can do 🙂 You know what I do that makes me kind of a dork? Have a farm on facebook.

  18. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:44 pm Betsy Wuebker Says:

    Heh. I got y’all beat. I’m a gardener, a knitter AND a birdwatcher. Duchess of Dorkester.

  19. On August 8th, 2009 at 3:46 pm Empresso Says:

    No, I’m the dork. I had to Google Heidi, Fez, Kitty and something else to find out what the heck someone had written on my FB page.
    I love orchids! I can grow outstanding plants but then I can also kill them. I don’t like gardening outside so much, I outsource the mowing and trimming but I do put the containers where I want the plants to go and if the ground is turned enough, I’ll plant the small ones.
    I also knit, crochet, sew and then the dorkiest of all, I needlepoint. I’m straight out of Jane Austen, but already married so maybe not.

  20. On August 8th, 2009 at 4:51 pm Your Roses Really Smell Like Poo-Poo | Linux Articles Says:

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  21. On August 8th, 2009 at 4:30 pm Katrina Says:

    Hi! I’ve been lurking around your ol’ blog for a bit now, but I have to tell you I’m also a gardening nerd. We grow vegetables though. And I about wet myself when I discovered peppers starting to grow.

    My other dorky hobby? Crocheting. Because I’m an old lady.

  22. On August 8th, 2009 at 4:44 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    Gardening isn’t dorky, you dork!

    I was picking blackberries last night and wasps were everywhere. I’ve never been stung so I have no clue if I’m allergic or not. But they didn’t bother me. I was in perfect harmony with nature. Now THAT’S dorky!

  23. On August 8th, 2009 at 4:46 pm Kim Says:

    I can’t believe you mentioned WoW. I don’t just play — I’m a semi-hardcore raider with a cadre of alts. I play *way* too much and am still searching for ways to play more. When I’m not playing, I engage in my other ultra-cool hobby: scrapbooking. Hey, it came from SLC, Utah so it must be cool, right?

    BTW, For the Horde!

  24. On August 8th, 2009 at 4:49 pm C @ Kid Things Says:

    I am reading you from my IPhone on a Saturday night. Is that dorky enough?

  25. On August 8th, 2009 at 4:53 pm M Sabine Says:

    I just returned to crocheting–which I used to do back when I was a dorky little kid–and I’m also teaching myself to knit. I realize that yarn-based crafts have somehow become chic among our generation, but I still find it difficult to get past the feeling that it’s pretty…well, grandma-ish. So I stand by my dorkiness.

  26. On August 8th, 2009 at 6:22 pm RJ Flamingo Says:

    Well, you know I grow orchids, only mine are outside. If they, or any other houseplant or fresh cut flowers spend 5 minutes inside, they become instant kitty salad bar. And in the fall / winter, I have a small vegetable garden that I have dreams of expanding (because that’s the only time of year we can grow veggies in South Florida). And I watch my mango trees. Oh, yeah – I also bird watch and have 5 – count ’em 5 bird feeders. And I just finished watching a cat show on Animal Planet. How dorky is that?

  27. On August 8th, 2009 at 6:26 pm Jessica Says:

    I spend far too much time reading Pride and Prejudice over and over. That must count for something.

  28. On August 8th, 2009 at 5:41 pm birdpress Says:

    Wow, I was looking for Mommy Wants Vodka and this grandmommy blog came up…

    Kidding! I think it’s great that you garden. What’s dorky about that? I don’t garden because we rent, and it really is not my thing anyway I guess. I’m totally dorky though in that I spend way too much time reading or researching things online. Anything that interests me becomes an obsession. I’m currently reading “The Secret Life of Plants” though, so see? It’s not that I don’t like plants. 😉

  29. On August 8th, 2009 at 5:44 pm Mimi Says:

    “repotting your orchid” does NOT make you a dork. It makes you an old lady. Seriously, don’t forget to slap on the depends and take your metamucil before bed, Great Aunt Becky. 😉

  30. On August 8th, 2009 at 5:57 pm Nichole Says:

    I hear all the cool kids are repotting orchids these days. Fer real.

    I love to watch Antique Roadshow. On PBS. Go ahead, let the dorkiness sink in for a minute.

  31. On August 8th, 2009 at 6:23 pm IrasciblePlatypus Says:

    Heck, I wish I had some mad crazy gardening skills. That’d actually be a useful hobby, considering how many vegetables I eat.

    It would be far more useful than the spinning yarn, knitting, and making chainmail that are my current hobbies. I figure if we’re ever blasted back to the Middle Ages, I’ll have at least three marketable skills.

    Is sleeping considered a hobby? Because I am so all over that like white on rice.

  32. On August 8th, 2009 at 6:25 pm Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    I have 2 tomato plants and 2 green pepper plants that I spend an inordinate amount of time tending. I’m all “miracle-gro”, bug spray, flinging mothballs all over to keep the squirrels away. It’s almost an obsession at this point. Sad.

  33. On August 8th, 2009 at 6:32 pm Angie the Anti-Theist Says:

    Once you’ve been a Dungeon Master (not the kinky kind, the Dungeons and Dragons kind) you really can’t call anyone else a Dork with a straight face.

  34. On August 8th, 2009 at 6:42 pm Kyddryn Says:

    I quilt…nuff said…

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  35. On August 8th, 2009 at 6:46 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I crochet. I bake muffins & am perfecting my flat bread recipe. I’ve been reading up on canning, because that is my next project. I used to quilt. I’m not just a dork, I’m Grandma Dork and don’t even have grandkids.

  36. On August 8th, 2009 at 6:47 pm tangeria Says:

    as far as dorky hobbies are concerned… i cut pictures out of magazines. then i put them in catalog envelopes, or file folders. i do not do ANYTHING with these pictures, beyond thinking to myself, i really ought to do something with these pictures. i wish i was cool enough to knit/crochet/sew/needlepoint, or even carve topiaries into psuedo-crotches. (the third of which i believe is a sphere, which makes me think of poodles, and the fact that with a round ball attached to the front of my crotch, none of my pants would fit right.)

  37. On August 8th, 2009 at 6:49 pm Kerrie Says:

    I do garden…but just because I like to see pretty things instead of shit. But I would rather be playing my Xbox…. But..And this is a bit of a brain fart…and maybe I’m a bit drunk – But I always read all of your comments, assuming that there aren’t like a hundred of them – and I REALLY don’t get the one’s that start with the […] thing…. There are like three of them, and they seriously don’t make sense to me…Am I SUPPOSED to get those? Or am I missing something? Help a tipsy woman out!?!?!

  38. On August 8th, 2009 at 7:50 pm Your Roses Really Smell Like Poo-Poo | Gardening Tips and Info Says:

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  39. On August 8th, 2009 at 8:06 pm kyslp Says:

    I tried container gardening this year and the results have been so-so. I’m thinking of getting Earth Boxes next year. I sew a little, too. I would love to learn to knit but haven’t done that, yet. Sounds like many of us readers are old ladies…..,

  40. On August 8th, 2009 at 7:15 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    Dude no one who has ever read “The Orchid Thief” (which is actually about Orchids and the growing of them ect) would think Orchids are dorky. I actually think it is kind of cool.

  41. On August 8th, 2009 at 7:24 pm Jackie Says:

    I think I can up some dorkness points here. How about a family trio who have an acre property dedicated to what ever edible organic plant life has the balls to grow in South Florida? As I have just moved back down with my family for the remaining of my degree, I have been enlisted in the war against weeds! Having only been here for a week so far, I have unintentionally reenacted the shower scene from Arachnophobia, gotten my ass handed to me by a pine apple plant and it’s two sisters, been consumed by a dead potted plant falling on me after I was freshly showered and still nude, and had kudzu vines thoroughly kick my ass into an ant mound. The sickest thing of it all is…I keep coming back for more!

  42. On August 8th, 2009 at 7:53 pm Lisa Says:

    Hobbies? I remember when…

    Reading this blog in between diapers, playdoh and homework is about the closest I get to a hobby. Seriously, if orchids do not give a shout out when they need a drink they would never last around here!

    (OK, I really love my life, so this reads a lot whinier than I meant it. Think casually funny – oh and picture me gorgeous too as I say it. There, that’s better.)

  43. On August 8th, 2009 at 8:19 pm DG at Says:

    ummmm. Sad to say, blogging is the closest thing that I have to a hobby and I’m pretty sure that’s dorky and sad.

  44. On August 8th, 2009 at 8:29 pm Tara Says:

    I’ve just recently taken up gardening myself, it’s not an easy or fun task, but hey it does give me some time to myself as my hubby will watch Ian while I do my thang! Other dorky hobby…crocheting and cross stitching. Yeah I’m a 80 year old woman in a 27 year old body.

    Flowers are gorgeous. Bees not so much!

    I’m still trying to think of a clever way to hand out your cards.

  45. On August 8th, 2009 at 8:36 pm Alicia Says:

    I saw a trailer for a movie today and thought of Becky Sharks. (Whip It with Ellen Page, Drew Barrymore, Marcia Gay Harden, and that great new woman from SNL – it looks good, and it’s got roller derby. Yeehaw!) 🙂

    I have no real hobbies. But I do actually play World of Warcraft. Because I’m a total idiot. My husband looked at me the other day and said (and I’m almost quoting verbatim): “Hmm. You have absolutely no craft skills whatsoever. I never really thought of it that way until now.” Coooooool.

  46. On August 8th, 2009 at 9:08 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Yeah, orchids are pretty dorky. But they are so pretty!

    I wish I was a gardener….I manage to kill plastic plants, because I am awesome like that.

    As for dorky hobbies, I use to play WoW, occasionally play D&D and enjoy video games. Don’t really have much time for it now, so I’ll keep my dorky hobbies to photography and loving on the Adobe programs on my computer.

  47. On August 8th, 2009 at 10:14 pm Kate Says:

    My husband is a major gardener. You & he could talk shop for hours, I’m quite sure.

    Me? I’d be off talking to The Daver. Computer stuff interests me much more than flowers.

    My dorky hobby is cross-stitching. I don’t get as much time to indulge in it as I used to, but I still love to do it.

  48. On August 8th, 2009 at 10:52 pm kcihc Says:

    I used to do roses, and crochet. I tried knitting but I just can’t make both hands work at one time. All of that was before kid number 3 and my world of warcraft addiction. 😉

    Both the boy and I play wow and my kids enjoy watching it when they aren’t running around the apartment pretending to be animals or iCarly.

  49. On August 8th, 2009 at 11:04 pm kalakly Says:

    I have an orchid plant that is sorely neglected and lives outside, here in effing hot ass socal and every year it mocks me by blooming lovely stalks. I never know how many I will get but I know they will come. I love that it has taken on it’s own survival and especially that last yeart, after the shitstorm, it gave me 4 glorious stalks. One for each of my children.
    Orchids rock.

  50. On August 9th, 2009 at 12:16 am lauren Says:

    You are a dork. I’m a shitty gardener.

  51. On August 9th, 2009 at 4:36 am Swistle Says:

    Ha ha—teething on your nose!

    I think my bargain shopping is a dorky. There I am, rummaging around in clearance piles like a squirrel looking for nuts.

  52. On August 9th, 2009 at 4:51 am Nina Says:

    If you can grow orchids and have them thrive, then you are a hardcore bad-ass miracle worker to me, since those babies perish under my care like armies of lovely kamikaze.

    It was excellent to meet you at BlogHer. 🙂

  53. On August 9th, 2009 at 5:10 am June Says:

    I recently got into gardening, too. And I feel bad about weeding because I see the bunnies out there eating my clover and wild strawberries, and I feel like I am depriving them out of their food. I see you do not share my bizarre sympathy for the bunnies.

    We need a gardener’s gang sign.

  54. On August 9th, 2009 at 5:31 am Kelley Says:

    I used to garden, but then we moved east of the Mississippi and I don’t do humidity. Now I have a lovely crop of weeds.
    How’s this for a dorky hobby – I sing in my church choir. Dorky and way too goody-two-shoes for my taste…but sooo much fun!

  55. On August 9th, 2009 at 7:06 am IB Says:

    I am a dude who blogs. You can’t get much much dorkier than that.

  56. On August 9th, 2009 at 6:06 am Michaela Says:

    Another dork here, reporting for duty. I knit, crochet, quilt and do needlepoint. I quit smoking and had to do something with my hands besides strangling people. Yarn fit the bill nicely.

    It’s a huge old lady hobby, though. One that strangers love to point out to me when they see me buying yarn. Family, too. They all laugh and call me grandma, but you should see the list of requests I have for afghans and quilts. Prices on my blankets go up 25% if you’ve ever called me Ethel, pointed and snickered while I was stitching or just generally aggravated me. Heh.

  57. On August 9th, 2009 at 6:57 am Crystal Says:

    Don’t fret. Not only am I a total Garden dork, but I do stained glass too!
    P.S. I just turned 30 two weeks ago…you would think I’m 60.

  58. On August 9th, 2009 at 7:09 am Stella Says:

    Stamp collecting. Although I wish I was a philatelist because that sounds so dirty and not dorky at all. But alas, I merely collect them like they’re going out of style….oh wait.

  59. On August 9th, 2009 at 7:33 am Kristin Says:

    I’m a major dork , geek, and nerd all rolled into one. I love to watch the history, science, and discovery channels. I crochet, quilt, sew, and cross stitch. And, I read enough to fill a library with my books.

    As for getting the sausage wearing part of our species to eat veggies…buy a food processor. Feed the veggies through it and once they are chopped/diced/pureed into oblivion, mix them in the meat for meat loaf or tacos or whatever. I snuck a whole bag of cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots into a meatloaf an d everyone loved it. If you shred zucchini and mix it into cake or bread, or quick bread or anything, it takes on the texture and flavor of whatever it is mixed into and it helps the baked goods retain moisture.

  60. On August 9th, 2009 at 7:34 am Shannon Says:

    I don’t garden because it would be considered cruelty to plants. I get excited when one of my plants lasts longer than a few weeks.

    My sneaky hobby that I don’t regulary tell people that I do, while I watch oh-so-funny British sitcoms, is cross stitch.

  61. On August 9th, 2009 at 8:47 am LAS Says:

    I think it’s awesome that you love gardening. If I didn’t live in a condo, I would probably give it a try, although I seem to be better at killing plants than keeping them alive!

  62. On August 9th, 2009 at 7:55 am R Says:

    I’m reading this while sipping my latte at my favorite outdoor cafe here in Vienna. Off for a mani/pedi later, and then an art showing! Ta-ta!

  63. On August 9th, 2009 at 9:03 am The Daver Says:

    I’m totally typing this from my Linux box. ’nuff said.

  64. On August 9th, 2009 at 8:36 am Jenn Says:

    Orchids rule.
    That is not sarcasm.
    I wish I could make things grow but I am much better at killing them.

  65. On August 9th, 2009 at 9:40 am BeccaNOTBecky Says:

    I have a black thumb, and therefore, gardening is not happening for me. But counted cross stitch is about as dorky as it gets, and I LOVE it!

    That an I scrapbook…and sew, but only non useful things.

    So yeah, I wish I was cool enough to grow something!

  66. On August 9th, 2009 at 8:42 am Inna Says:

    I love gardening. If I actually had an outside I would totally have more plants. Right now I only have windowsill plants, and the orchids I did have all passed away. I think they didn’t like the lack of sunlight/heat in my north facing apt.
    I’m a big big dork. I knit, I attempt to sew, and I always bring science home… 🙂

  67. On August 9th, 2009 at 9:11 am Nel Says:

    My geeky habit = Reading blogs on a Sunday morning in bed. 🙂

    Best. Habit. Ever.

  68. On August 9th, 2009 at 9:13 am Jennifer Says:

    I did the whole gardening thing, but I did veggies. After months of waiting, I finally have a couple red tomatoes, a green pepper, and some other stuff I can’t figure out. No one told me to actually mark what I planted, plus the whole “weeding” thing sounded too much like work, so now I don’t know what’s a weed and what’s a carrot. Good luck with the flowers!

  69. On August 9th, 2009 at 10:15 am Lola Says:

    Honey, if gardening makes you a geek, then I’m the biggest geek you’ll ever meet!!!

    I’m so not a geek, though.

  70. On August 9th, 2009 at 10:46 am Carrie @ Who Knew? Says:

    Ha, you only wish you were as big a dork as me. I don’t garden but it’s on my 30 before 30 list of goals. AND it’s posted on my blog. That’s right, baby.

    PS I love, love that song. Better come back down from Mars. . .

  71. On August 9th, 2009 at 11:51 am amber Says:

    If garden is dorky (and I’m sure it is), then I’m probably queen of the dorks…we built a new house a coupla years ago, and sure, the new carpets, freshly painted walls and walk-in closet (you could sleep in there, really) were exciting, you know what I was jumping up and down about?

    The prospect of creating brand new gardens.

    Which I promptly did. Right now, they’re sadly neglected, but next year? Next year I’m going to grow me some radioactive roses…

    But I don’t re-pot orchids. So I guess you are dorkier than me.

  72. On August 9th, 2009 at 10:52 am S Says:

    Orchids ARE wicked cool and I don’t care who knows it. Also Linux is da bomb. I used to run Red Hat on my old laptop and it was so stable and the GUI was mmmmmggggaaaaaaaaggghhhhh drool.

  73. On August 9th, 2009 at 11:39 am Anita Says:

    I garden (just set up a 6×8 greenhouse! Yipee!), raise chickens and sheep, and buy 90% of my food locally. The rest I grow or raise. Dork. Or Hippie. Or Hippie-Dork.

    I’m a 38 year old mother of 3 and I’m sitting here eating a peanutbutter, honey and banana sandwich while catching up on blogs. Is that dorky?

  74. On August 9th, 2009 at 12:56 pm Maggie Says:

    ZOMG! I totally dig pwning grey n00bs at the Crossroads! ROXERS BOXERS FTW! I’m Alliance, but I’m thinking you’re probably Horde, since that’s where all the cool kids play. *sigh*

    And.. I TOTALLY get bribing kids with video games. Both of mine have to earn their PVP time during the week. I dunno wtf the school systems problem is. The teachers last year were upset that my son played such a ‘violent’ video game.. UH HELLO! Anyone heard of Grand Theft Auto?? They think that just because ‘war’ is in the name of the game that it must be guts and glory…. and for ppl that PVP, it is. But my kids have learned to read maps, socially interact (OMG, we’re nerds like Dave, direct sunlight KILLS us) and use logic to solve quests.

    I just went on a small rant about Warcraft. 😐 Why did you have to mention it?!?! I wanna be BFF on Facebook now, DAMNIT! I’ve always adored you, but you *sniff… YOU had me at Warcraft.

  75. On August 9th, 2009 at 2:01 pm Kristina Says:

    I am bored enough to read your weekend posts, and most of the time, they are one of the highlights of my weekend. Pathetic and stalkerish? I don’t know….

    I would actually love to garden but I have the blackest of black thumbs and kill every living thing in my house or outside of it. It’s actually amazing my child has made it this far….

  76. On August 9th, 2009 at 1:02 pm flutter Says:

    peonies totally are wily little bastards!

  77. On August 9th, 2009 at 1:02 pm alex Says:

    Yeah…..I garden. In fact, I have a degree in Horticulture. Gotcha all beat!

  78. On August 9th, 2009 at 1:07 pm Betty M Says:

    I garden. My parents garden. My grandma even opened her garden to the public. Very sad but also very British.

  79. On August 9th, 2009 at 2:14 pm beth Says:

    First off, I think with this post I must up my stalking to the next level. I keep a mental list of goofy things I want to blog about and that commercial with the snatch bushes has been on it for weeks. I just keep forgetting about it when I go to actually type a post.

    I used to garden when we lived in town (you can still see my beautiful work when visiting Pottowatomie Park) but when we moved out to the woods I tried but kind of let it get away from me. Now I have beds full of Jurassic weeds and small trees. As far as dorky, I was a nerd before it was even vaguely cool. I sew, knit, used to scrapbook and know how to make pie crust from scratch. Some may call it dorky I call it growing up in the country.

  80. On August 9th, 2009 at 1:21 pm PeteInAz Says:


    I googled “mommy punish my ass for i have been bad girl” and this post is the only thing that came up.

    Have you ever tried growing African Violets? As long as you keep them watered, they do well.

    I garden also. Roses, veggies, flowers, water lillies, fruit trees and indoor plants also.

    I bake (breads cakes, stuff like that).

    I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I go to the lava’tree… ( oops, got carried away on that.).

    I’m not much of a geek, but then I don’t have any kids to take care of eather.

    Try the violets… they’re neat.

  81. On August 9th, 2009 at 1:36 pm Margaret Says:

    I like to play with essential oils. I’m not sure if that makes me dorky or witchy. I’ll let you pick.

  82. On August 9th, 2009 at 6:54 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    I spent the day rendering all of our images from May to July (a few hundred, easy) into captioned slideshows with supporting audio (music), then processing those along with any AVI clips into MPEG-2 and authoring and burning DVDs. That’s my hobby.

  83. On August 9th, 2009 at 7:32 pm Dorothy Says:

    I stalk my “Aunt Becky” on facebook.

  84. On August 9th, 2009 at 8:06 pm mumma boo Says:

    If the sun didn’t shine and the rain didn’t fall, I’d have no living green things in my yard. And since I don’t like rain in my house, there are no plants inside. Loser, I know.

  85. On August 10th, 2009 at 12:36 am Mwa Says:

    Choir singing. Gardening (more upkeep than hobby, really). Blogging. Dorky enough? I don’t need my hobbies to certify my dorkiness, though. I am secure in my dorkiness.

  86. On August 10th, 2009 at 4:51 am TheBeerLady Says:

    Dorky gardening? Man, I’m a Lifetime Member of the National Gardening Club. (Although I have an apartment and absolutely no yard, and the only plants in my house are one of those lucky bamboo things and the most pathetic philadendron in existence.)

    But man, not only do I indulge in most of the dorky hobbies mentioned here, at least on occasion, I’m totally into scrapbooking. I rate beer for fun. And, now, major dork alert – genealogy.

  87. On August 10th, 2009 at 7:01 am Madame Queen Says:

    Well, if I *HAD* a hobby, which I don’t really, it would be cross stitching. Yes, I said cross stitching. See, the thing is, I love to do it, but don’t really want to hang the results in my house on account of they look kind of dorky. So. I do all this work (or I DID all that work since I don’t really do it anymore) and then have nothing to show for it. At least you have gorgeous roses.

    By the by, know anything about transplanting roses? ‘Cause there’s a GORGEOUS Seven Sisters rose near my house that I’m dying to either transplant (it’s in the middle of the woods) or take a cutting from.

  88. On August 10th, 2009 at 8:16 am Dot Says:

    I’ve never been cool, so don’t worry, I have plenty of uncool hobbies. One of which I’m planning to blog about once I get some photos. I used to read a lupus publication (before I got rediagnosed with Sjogren’s) and read about someone who was so sun-sensitive (lupus gets much worse with sun exposure) that she had to always garden at night, so you’re not alone in that. I love flowers and used to garden, though I never learned much about doingit right. Orchids are awesome and being able to keep them ailve is even more awesome.

  89. On August 10th, 2009 at 8:26 am SCY Says:

    I also love gardening and am not a dork at all – so never fear Aunt Becky you’re still ok in our eyes 😉


  90. On August 10th, 2009 at 7:54 am Anna Says:

    Dorky Hobbies?

    I love gardening (but rarely find the time) and jump up and down when something I planted months before FINALLY buds – even though it ends up dying.

    I’m a quilter. It’s becoming more “cool” now but there was a time when I sheepishly admitted that it is my favorite thing to do. You know, like keg parties at the Univ. of Toledo back when I was 18. I would’ve gotten my red cup confiscated and kicked out of the party if they ever knew I did anything other than beer pong.

  91. On August 10th, 2009 at 8:13 am leanne Says:

    I cross stitch. Though not so much these days… as kids and needles don’t mix very well.

    I, too, like to garden (my request for Mother’s Day is always to go to a garden store to buy plants and stuff). Though not sure I’m that good at it. My tulips come back for a few years and then don’t. So I buy more. And the same thing usually happens. I’m better with annuals. Eventually they’re gonna die anyway. But I did manage to get some cukes and some tomatoes to grow this year (still waiting for the peppers). The beans were a bust… not a good enough “contraption” (as my son calls it) to keep out the critters.

  92. On August 10th, 2009 at 8:16 am Lo Says:

    I can’t garden. I dream of someday having an herb garden* but so far have only been able to keep one basil plant alive. I do have a geeky baking hobby. I troll baking websites like a 15 year old boy trolls for free porn. I went to a cake decorating shop on Sunday and bought three pens that write with edible ink and I have to say it filled me with more joy than is really healthy. Someday I may actually get around to making something.

    *I think one of the factors that contributes to my not having a herb garden is that I live in England (I’m American) and everyone calles them herbs with an “h” and everytime I hear it I think of a row of fat balding guys sitting in the dirt.

  93. On August 10th, 2009 at 9:43 am Wendy Says:

    I knit better than most grandmothers I know, and I’m under 30. To further up the dork factor, I have been babying my pumpkins and squash in the backyard and perfecting my pumpkin muffin recipe for the happy day when I can chop up aforementioned pumpkins and eat them. Basically, my hobbies mirror that of a 70 year old woman, but it’s FUN dammit!

  94. On August 10th, 2009 at 11:14 am Karin Says:

    I’m in the midatlantic and don’t have a huge problem with wasps but heat is a factor. I love gardening and in the summer usually try to get it done before 8 but my little patch of earth is all too tiny and lacks sunlight (huge tree in the front that’s community property and fenced 12×12 backyard that only gets sun for about 2 hours/day in a 6 ft square by the door). I managed to kill my hard to find shade rose last year – went away for 2 weeks in the high heat and forgot to have someone water my garden – but my wintergreen groundcover in the beds has taken over like mad and all my perennials come up thru it so it looks really nice! I’m battling SmartWeed which along with my dog’s pee, killed my grass (it’s pretty about knee high w/ rich green pointy leaves and pink flowers but it takes over everything!). So now I have 2 tomato plants and some basil growing where my rose used to be (smells so nice back there!) and a hydrangea along with the wintergreen, hostas and a bunch of impatiens.

    So my other dorky hobby is making hair bows and homemade bath stuff. I have a great time, can do most of it with and/or for my kids but it’s so Susie Homemaker. I get a lot of “you make your own what? shampoo, bath mixes and handsoap? Why? Are you kidding me?” I would do everything from scratch but since said tiny piece of earth contains one tiny townhouse to house 3 kids, 2 adults and a dog, I buy soap (castile and melt and pour varieties) and color, mix and shape them. My goal is to be able to buy a house with a lot large enough to have a soap shed out back. the bows are cool though! YES! I have one cool hobby!!

  95. On August 10th, 2009 at 11:17 am Katie Says:

    Dude, I’ve totally seen that commercial. I’m not easily shocked, but my mouth was literally agape.
    (Is agape a word? It sounds right, but looks all sorts of wrong.)

  96. On August 10th, 2009 at 1:39 pm Kendra Says:

    I would love to be able to grow orchids. Rather than making me think you’re a dork, it makes me think you’re better at keeping things alive than I am–which considering I have three kids, I feel like it’s something I really ought to be reasonably good at.

    I have numerous semi-dorky semi-hobbies. I like to knit, crochet, cross stitch, bake, scrapbook… But I think they’re all the things that I do when I realize I have three spare seconds in a row and I feel like I should do something productive with it. After seeing the curtain I spent literally weeks making for the bathroom, my husband pointed out that I really shouldn’t have Martha Stewart aspirations if I’m going to be a crazy Martha Stewart.

    He gardens. I just take credit for the 15-foot sunflowers. (Literally. They’re amazing.)

  97. On August 10th, 2009 at 3:55 pm Nicole Says:

    I look out my kitchen window at least a dozen times a day and wish that I was a gardener (because I don’t think the fact that I have blossoming weeds in my flower beds makes me a gardener – it just means my backyard is capable of growing things without my help.) I am impressed with the orchids, and I wouldn’t call it dorky. Eccentric, maybe, but not dorky.

    And I have no real hobbies, but I just admitted to cyberspace that I cut my husbands toenails for him . . . enough said.

  98. On August 10th, 2009 at 5:35 pm TeDiouS Says:

    I so do not have the green thumb. Plants do not thrive in my presence. If I stick a seed or plant in the ground and then proceed to ignore it for three or four months it may stand a chance, but anything I actually tend to is a goner inside a week.

    I do, however, cross stitch. I had a needle habit of ten-plus hours a day at one point. Shoulder surgery sort of took care of that level of enthusiasm, but I still love to stitch. It’s like coloring. With thread! *tries not to blind everyone with my enormous dorky grin*

    Yes, well…I am a dork and proud. I have Linux on my laptop, do number and word puzzles for fun, own more coloring books than my niece…but also have a punk/metal music collection, love funky clothes, and have my future mother-in-law thinking I am turning her son into a goth. So there you are.

  99. On August 10th, 2009 at 7:48 pm Hilary Says:

    I quilt. I read. I’m a scientist. I sew. I garden. I game. and….
    I make my own SOAP. from lye. and fat.
    and I’m under 30.

    I prefer to think I’m fully prepared for modern society to end 🙂

  100. On August 11th, 2009 at 8:59 am Bluebird Says:

    I killed my peony and am intimidated by orchids. Seriously, as in I love them, but yet I fear them. Do share your wisdom 🙂

    Actually, I’ll trade you your orchid knowledge for a big ass bundle of parsley, cilantro, sage, mint, and basil. Now those, I can grow. Go figure.

  101. On August 11th, 2009 at 9:48 am lydee Says:

    oh yeah, i like gardening. it’s all good.

  102. On August 11th, 2009 at 1:51 pm Misty Says:

    My husband used to play world of warcraft and now “flashes” his phone (installing new systems because he is King of Geeks).
    I, however, am glad we are moving because I have space now to grow cat grass. yes, cat grass. I’m afraid to try growing anything else b/c Punk will definitely eat it. (punk is the cat, not a child…)

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