Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

You Might Want To Demand A Recount, Internet


Most of the essays went out last night for signing up for Das Book. If you haven’t gotten yours, shoot an email to and you can tell The Daver your woes (or offer him a marriage proposal. Whatever.). If you haven’t Pledged Your Allegiance to the Book, you should! FREE! ESSAY!


Somehow, I managed to score the nomination AND won the pick for the Hot Blogger Calendar, Pranksters. Now. I have no doubt that this will be pretty hilarious, because I’m hoping to be dressed like a gigantic Uncrustables for the shoot. Really, there’s nothing hotter than a chick dressed as a peanut butter sandwich, am I right?

(please don’t answer that)

Anyway, as I was looking for a different, yet equally humiliating picture to share with you, I came across another stash of ridiculous shots. I thought today would be a perfect day to share with you some more shameful pictures. Pretty sure you can’t take back your vote now.

*rubs hands together evilly*

I’ll even throw down a Mr. Linky for those of you who want to play along on your own blogs, because Your Aunt Becky is a giver of all kinds of wonderful things. Like headaches! And VD! But that is neither here nor there.

First, we’ll start here. This is my brother and I (you can call him Uncle Aunt Becky) when I was in college. While I know my hardcore-ness might be freaking you out THROUGH THE COMPUTER and causing you to perhaps pee in your pants, I assure you that I am safe around children.

And for the record, we were leaving to go on a motorcycle ride.

Oh, shut up.

Fresh from listening to Mambo #5 for the 804,746 time in a row while short Mexican men poured gaily colored tequila down my throat from industrial sized plastic jugs, I stopped to take a breather. This picture was snapped before I had to go do the motherfucking Macarena AGAIN.

And while that appears to be a pair of Tighty-Whities next to me, I genuinely have no idea what the hell it is. Knowing me, it probably is.

I liked this picture for 2 reasons.

a) it looked like I was either going to have sex with the camera or punch it (which is how I take most pictures)(watch out, BlogHer).

2)It shows off what a gigantic fucking nerd I am.

This is a shot of me in college taken from behind the bar where I worked. I don’t know if I was working or not, but clearly I was studying my balls off while drinking MILK. Lest anyone think I was exaggerating what an overachieving freak I was, there is the proof.

Also, if you look closely, my hair is highlighted pink! WHIMSICAL!

This is the best picture ever, and not just because you can clearly see my hot pink bra through the white shirt (what did I say about looking like I either want to have sex with the camera or beat the shit out of it?).

Okay, let me back up a second for anyone who doesn’t know the story behind this. When nurses graduate nursing school, they’re pinned (and no, sadly, not like in WWE Smackdown or like a porno) and there’s this big ceremony. A couple of days before, they get their pictures taken.

Except, I wasn’t all that excited, you see, so I was blowing off the whole thing. Really, I didn’t give a shit about it, so I showed up the day of the picture shoot looking like cat shit in a bag. I mean, who the hell was I gonna send my nursing school picture to? I don’t exactly have the sort of family that would happily display my picture on their wall.

My friends didn’t approve so they hijacked me, sat me down with some crusty old makeup they found lying around and made me take the picture. Wasn’t even my shirt, yo. And I was pissed because I couldn’t see a fucking thing because I didn’t have my glasses (or contacts) on.

So, I took the damn picture, paid roughly $500 for it, and still have the entire set of them in my room. I mean, really, who the hell wants a reminder that I was a nurse for like .005 seconds? I guess I could send them out as gag gifts to people or something. “Remember when I thought I was gonna be a nurse? PSYCH!!”

Now that I think about it, maybe it should be my Christmas Card pictures this year. It beats the one of the inside of my colon I was going to send.

Also, I don’t think that even based on these pictures, you can recant your vote for the hot blogger calendar. SORRY.

Alright, pranksters, for anyone who wants to play along with humiliating pictures on your OWN blog, here’s Mr. Linky:

75 Comments to

“You Might Want To Demand A Recount, Internet”

  1. On March 8th, 2010 at 9:15 am Stone Fox Says:

    you and your brother really do make a beautiful couple.

    i’m just sayin’.

  2. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    *throws up* *vomits*

    YEAH. I can see that. EW.

  3. On March 8th, 2010 at 9:22 am blueviolet Says:

    So are these your submissions for the calendar? lol

  4. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! No. Thankfully they make us take real pictures.

  5. On March 8th, 2010 at 9:27 am Maria Says:

    I’m going to take so many pictures of you at BlogHer. And then use them as my profile photos on the various nichΓ© porn fetish sites for chicks that like to have sex fights I’m registered on.

    Gots me a plan, I do.

  6. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s a killer awesome plan, baby!

    Wait a minute…

  7. On March 8th, 2010 at 9:43 am Jenn Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,

    You are absolutely gorgeous, and your nursing picture is lovely. I don’t know what you are going on about, girl. Big dark eyes, nice skin, glossy hair – sheesh. Quitcher bellyachin’! (I meant that in a nice way, really.)

  8. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    *blushes* You? YOU, I love.

  9. On March 8th, 2010 at 9:44 am Alison of a Gun Says:

    Aunt Becky I got your chapter and I love it, but I also started getting a bunch of spam in that email account. I know you would never knowingly spam us, but…did you?! I seriously never get any and this morning I woke up and had 15 messages of meat-in-a-can. Anybody else?

    Also you’re hot even when you didn’t mean to be. DAMN WOMAN.

  10. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I can’t believe that I’d spam you, considering it only came from my own server. Hm. Will ask The Daver.

    Meat in a can…mmmmmm….meaty.

  11. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:55 am Alison of a Gun Says:

    I know, I didn’t think you would either but I can’t remember anything else I’d signed up for. I don’t mean to blame you, I’m just confused. And I typed “foncused” first, because I haven’t had coffee yet, which only further cements my point. Thank you!

  12. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:13 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’ll ask The Daver if it’s possible, because I actually dunno. Like for reals, I don’t know. But, I’m not very smart AND I am high on cold meds, so I’m even stupider than usual πŸ˜‰

  13. On March 8th, 2010 at 9:56 am Mary @ Holy Mackerel Says:

    I think peanut butter sandwiches are hot.

  14. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:53 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s because they totes are.

  15. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:02 am Melissa Says:

    Is it bad that I totally want to make out with your brother?

  16. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:52 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Everyone does. It’s cool.

  17. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:26 am Chag Says:

    Nice motorcycle jacket, Fonzie!

  18. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:52 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Don’t even MESS with the combat boots you can’t see that I’m wearing. (thank God no leather pants, though)

  19. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:33 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Uncle Aunt Becky is quite the looker, and Regular Aunt Becky is, too.

  20. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:52 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’ll tell him you said that. Hehe.

  21. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:41 am Lavender Luz Says:

    Steamin hot, you are. In all the weird phases of your life.

    Dudette. You should switch over to MckLinky next time. So much more reliable.

  22. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:58 am Maria Says:

    I’m having trouble deciding whether you are hauntingly beautiful, achingly beautiful, or breathtakingly beautiful. Hmm…especially in the motorcycle getup.

  23. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    How about “breathtakingly dumb?”

  24. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:59 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    Did you get cornrows in Mexico??? SO hawt!

  25. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Don’t I look ridiculous?

  26. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:00 am melissa Says:

    you’re so pretty!
    i’m going to blogher too. just sayin.

  27. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    *smiles happily* HOORAY! We’re gonna hang out, lady.

  28. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:32 am melissa Says:

    well, duh!

  29. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:01 am melissa Says:

    p.s. your brother. um…hot.

  30. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:07 am KeepingYouAwake Says:

    I *already* followed your lead on this, jeez. I posted my link above too.

  31. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:10 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m a demanding whore, what can I say?

  32. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:26 am Jen14221 Says:

    Enough about you…Jesus. Tell me more about that brother of yours.

  33. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:34 am Mwa Says:

    I’m in love with you AND your brother. Kinky.

  34. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:37 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I think the biker one should be the calendar photo. Or at the very least you should wear leather in it. My husband thinks you should definitely wear leather, which coming from him is kinda pervy actually, but he swears the calendars will sell like …well like calendars with photos of leather clad hot women in them..

  35. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:46 am Zakary Says:

    Um, I love you. And your goddamn book is going to be amazing.

  36. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:46 am soccermom Says:

    Yeah I think I am with everyone else, the one of you and brother looks totally kick ass!

    PS I had the peanut butter and honey uncrustables for my mid morning snack today. Y U M M Y!

  37. On March 8th, 2010 at 11:55 am Rebecca Says:

    Polluting your page with your photos……..makes me feel insecure. You are way too pretty. And your brother is kinda cute in that photo……………Loved them all…….

  38. On March 8th, 2010 at 12:14 pm The Only Girl Says:

    Congrats on the calendar!

    I just reviewed an embarrassing picture of myself the other day – so I’ve linked away. Enjoy.

  39. On March 8th, 2010 at 12:19 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:

    what i emailed you last night… yeah, read that again.

  40. On March 8th, 2010 at 12:31 pm Sharon Says:

    My kingdom for a scanner!

  41. On March 8th, 2010 at 12:43 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    1. Uncle Aunt Becky made me snort-laugh. Thank you.
    b. While said Uncle Aunt Becky *is* hot, I’d rather make out with his sister.
    * Sad story? First person in BOTH sides of the family to graduate from university. Paid umpteen zillion dollars for pictures. Gave away one (teeny, tiny wallet-sized, as requested). I don’t even know what I did with the other 199 – I believe I blocked the painful memory of burning them in a dumpster from my mind to protect my fragile self.

  42. On March 8th, 2010 at 12:54 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    Got your chapter yesterday….HILL.AIR.E.OUS!!!!!
    Also…..Nurse Aunt Becky is a total hottie!…that should totally be the picture of you on the jacket to the book.
    Ill patiently wait next to my mailbox for a signed first edition, so tell the publishers to hurry the hell up!

  43. On March 8th, 2010 at 1:16 pm mumma boo Says:

    Woman, you are gorgeous. It’s no wonder you’ve got such beautiful babies. Is it weird that I want to slobber on your cheeks now, too? *smooches*

  44. On March 8th, 2010 at 2:49 pm Dual Mom Says:

    Ok, Uncle Aunt Becky is a hottie. Just sayin….

  45. On March 8th, 2010 at 3:43 pm Barista Says:

    Loved the first chapter – thanks for sharing.

    And the pics are just fab. You could have picked way worse, dude.

  46. On March 8th, 2010 at 3:51 pm Emma Says:

    I totally took an achingly hot pic of me in my bathroom mirror the other day, but can’t show it too anyone because it looks like I’m pantyless (I’m totally not pantyless, if u squint really hard at my crotch u can see a smudge of black panties but still… Would never work as a facebook photo).

  47. On March 8th, 2010 at 4:17 pm statia Says:

    I need to get a new fucking scanner, because the shit I have is fucking EPIC.

  48. On March 8th, 2010 at 4:38 pm gaylin Says:

    I am so glad I don’t have a scanner. The humiliation.

    I love the look on your face in all your photos, You have a certain way of speaking with your eyes, it says “Really you are trying to sell me What?”

    You should now be crowned Aunt Hot Babe and Uncle Aunt Hot Babe.

  49. On March 8th, 2010 at 5:46 pm Aunt Juicebox Says:

    You know, people always tell me how sweet and innocent I look and that I could get away with murder. But you win the contest, hands down. Sweetest lookin’ thing I’ve evah seen. And I want my copy of the book thingy, dang, how you gonna leave me out??

  50. On March 8th, 2010 at 5:55 pm Andrea Says:

    You look like you could be one of my sisters. That’s not really saying anything because the eight of us look as different as can be. But if you ever need to be adopted, there’s room for you here — no one would even notice we had an extra sister. I’ll start signing your name on gifts from the sisters, ok?

  51. On March 8th, 2010 at 6:26 pm edenland Says:

    Uncle Aunt Becky is a motherfucking HOTTIE.

    I’m off to google Uncrustables …. I think I would like them, considering their wacky zany name. Congrats on the calender shoot!!! You know, much as you try to deflect with your witty humour and sarcasm ….,. you are a beautiful woman. XOX

  52. On March 8th, 2010 at 6:48 pm Melissa Says:

    Dude – I have my computer back. Well, I dont have my work computer on top of it like I did this weekend and just got my e-mail. Loved the chapter. I want MORE.

    Also, sorry for saying that I wanted to make out with your brother. The gross factor if someone said that to me would kind of get to me I guess. Then again, seeing as how my older brother looks like a chubby Larry Byrd and my younger one is 13 years younger I never had an issue of girls I knew wanting to make out with them. Did you have girls want to be friends with you just so they could go to your house and see him?

  53. On March 8th, 2010 at 6:50 pm Wombat Central Says:

    Girl, you’d be a-freakin-dorable as a human uncrustable. A camera humpin’ sammich. πŸ˜‰

    I’ll dig up old pix and post ’em if your McLinkity fun is still going on tomorrow.

  54. On March 8th, 2010 at 7:39 pm Vinomom Says:

    You like a little Alyssa Milano-ey to me in that first one. πŸ™‚ All in all, though, I get why you were nominated. You are one hot chick Aunt Becky!

  55. On March 8th, 2010 at 8:15 pm a Says:

    If those are your embarassing pictures, your good ones must be like a model’s portfolio! I have a high school picture in which my favorite aunt told me I looked like a cow. When your favorite aunt tells you that, you know it’s probably the worst picture ever taken by anyone in all of mankind. And no, I will not post it.

    Liked the chapter a lot, Smurfette!

  56. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:01 pm MommaKiss Says:

    I’d do you.

  57. On March 9th, 2010 at 1:29 am bella leanne Says:

    I have to confess, Aunt Becky…that first hardcore picture of you is hot, and I may be developing a massive lezzy crush on you (like a totally real one because A) I like bitches and B) I ain’t afraid to admit that I’m down with other people’s lady business)
    Don’t worry I’m no more creepy than any other internet stalker….and honestly, probably a lot more lazy than most.

  58. On March 9th, 2010 at 7:18 am Jennifer B Says:

    Dude. The Biker-chic Aunt Becky is super hot. Actually, I like the naughty schoolgirl shot too. And ya know what? The nursing pic is quite pretty. Damn, Aunt Becky, all of your pics are good. But then, I already want to hump you for being so full of the Awesome. The pictures were just confirmation. πŸ™‚

  59. On March 9th, 2010 at 7:55 am Amanda Says:

    Too funny πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  60. On March 9th, 2010 at 8:11 am Cohiba Says:

    mmm embarrassing pictures.. I’d also have to agree I’m sooo glad I don’t have a scanner as my epic nerd photo’s of junior high make urkel look cool. Well maybe not cool but less nerdy than me. Revenge of the Nerds!!

  61. On March 9th, 2010 at 9:05 am Melme Says:

    On a completely unrelated note, you have a blog award waiting for you over at my blog. Thanks for being awesome! πŸ™‚

  62. On March 9th, 2010 at 4:33 pm Wombat Central Says:

    Just did a McLinky to my own pics. They’re far more unflattering than yours. Mostly because yours really aren’t all that unflattering! πŸ˜›

    BTW, I didn’t get my dang chapter. How do I notify The Daver?

  63. On March 9th, 2010 at 5:55 pm Melissa @MBonn Says:

    Haha I’m really digging that leather jacket pic. You look Pretty Bad-ass! I did a post full of my awkward pictures when doppleganger week came around on FB and I got compared to a hobbit. Awesome!

  64. On March 9th, 2010 at 5:57 pm Melissa @MBonn Says:

    And I posted the totally wrong McLink the first time. Ugh, if I were any stupider I’d have to watered daily.

  65. On March 10th, 2010 at 1:47 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahaha! I pretty much DO need to be watered daily. HILARIOUS.

  66. On March 9th, 2010 at 6:47 pm Sadie at heyMamas Says:

    Read the first part you sent out and loved it! Looking forward to the rest….

    Sadie at heyMamas

  67. On August 17th, 2011 at 4:43 am Jayna Says:

    Whoa, whoa, get out the way with that good infrmaoiton.

  68. On March 9th, 2010 at 7:43 pm Shin Ae Says:

    I loved looking at these pictures! You’re adorable. And yeah, you do look like you’d get away with anything.

    P.S. I ogled the PB and honey spread Uncrustables in Walmart the other day for you. They said hi.

  69. On March 10th, 2010 at 1:44 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oooooh! Peanut butter and honey! Ooooooh! HUNGRY. Those are mighty fine.

  70. On March 10th, 2010 at 12:31 am Emily (Apron Strings) Says:

    Love love LOVE the pic of you and your brother. I think I can dig up my old black leather motorcycle jacket somewhere … waaaay in the back of my coat closet!

  71. On March 10th, 2010 at 1:39 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We should get our jackets out and go take pictures downtown. HOT.

  72. On March 10th, 2010 at 3:48 pm Mrs. Muffins Says:

    Me? Have humiliating pictures? Nooo… haha. Yeah right. I’ll work on gettin’ those posted just for you Aunt Becky!!!


  73. On March 10th, 2010 at 6:25 pm BusyDad Says:

    Well, since you’re posing as delicious processed food, maybe I should dress up like a Toaster Strudel for mine. Kind of like kicking the year off as “part of this nutritious breakfast.”

  74. On March 11th, 2010 at 10:38 am gypsygrrl Says:

    uhm. aunt becky. i want one of those nursing school pics. i will trade you one of mine πŸ™‚ for realz.

  75. On July 26th, 2010 at 10:01 pm h game Says:

    I think its nap time for someone.

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