Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

You Might Be A Douche Bag If…


(for the record, I can think of at least two of these that fit me. Prolly more. So don’t be TOO offended, Pranksters)

Your last name is Winlkevoss.

You write a blog called “Mommy Wants Vodka.”

You actually LIKE the taste of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

You believe that your i(can’t fucking)Phone screen says something about you:

You still own a beeper.

“Hey, watch this” makes up 75% of your vocabulary.

You actually think energy drinks are good for “energy.”

You UN-ironically call yourself a “hipster.”

You wear your collar popped up.

You back in to parking spaces.

You require at least two spaces to park your car.

You bought Snooki’s book.

You use more product than your wife.

If you claim you can tell the difference between Hardee’s burgers and Carl Jr’s.

You say, “Happy Friday.”

You wear Ed Hardy – non-ironically.

You still use the phrase “Girrrrrlllllllllll” or “Wasssssupppp!”

You leave an open book of poetry on the coffee table all the time, just in case someone drops by, even though you haven’t looked in it since 2004.

You have a liberal arts degree, work in a coffee shop and hate all of your customers for constantly ordering in Starbucks terminology.

You like the band Nickelback.

You drive any car that you’ve put more money into upgrading than you did into buying it.

You have any apparel on that gives out the name of a restaurant, band, comedy troupe, radio station or manufacturer (besides FCUK, because that stuff is awesome).

You every dated someone from Craigslist.

You are a guy and you like to drink Appletini’s. (sorry, iHubby)

You’ve ever used the phrase “kernel panic” in conversation.

You’ve ever been to a Miley Cyrus ANYTHING.

You own anything that says Kardashian on it.

You’ve ever been to tryouts for American Idol and NOT gotten on camera.

You’ve ever been to tryouts for American Idol and GOTTEN on camera.

You’ve ever been to tryouts for The X Factor, at all.

You subscribe to “Walking” magazine.

Your Facebook wall is littered with semi-meaningless quotes, random snippets of unattributed conversation and song lyrics that make you seem “deep”. Don’t worry, Friday’s post about “CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU GUYS DOWN AT THE CLUB TONIGHT!!!1! WOO!!” removed THAT illusion for us.

You’re unemployed, but refer to yourself as “looking for the next step.”

You try to take photos or movies with an iPad or Galaxy tab.

You still use the terms “Winning” or “Tiger Blood.”

Then again….maybe not.


Tell me, Pranksters, what other douchebaggy traits can you think of? I’ll add ’em to the Master List.

82 Comments to

“You Might Be A Douche Bag If…”

  1. On December 21st, 2011 at 11:29 am KJ Collard Says:

    …..if you brag about how you spent $6.00 a gallon for organic goat’s milk because it’s SOOOOO much better for you right after you light up a cigatette and tell me “Oh, I only smoke when I’m drinking.”.
    (true story)

  2. On December 21st, 2011 at 6:40 pm Nate Says:

    I also love the Prius owner driving around with the window cracked smoking a cigarette.

  3. On December 22nd, 2011 at 8:42 pm Super Red Says:

    HAHA– this is hilarious to me because I can totally picture myself doing it. I haven’t, mind you, but I can picture it.

  4. On December 21st, 2011 at 11:30 am Nancy Says:

    You deposit your used grocery cart in a parking space.

  5. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:33 pm Inelegant_Life Says:


  6. On December 21st, 2011 at 11:31 am Luna Says:

    You insist that the word “retard” is not offensive.

  7. On December 21st, 2011 at 11:35 am CycleNinja Says:

    You watch Fear Factor.

  8. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:33 pm Inelegant_Life Says:

    I am so a douchebag! I love that show.

  9. On December 21st, 2011 at 11:37 am Heather Says:

    You subscribe to Netflix so you can watch BBC comedies anytime you want.

  10. On December 21st, 2011 at 11:39 am Illya Kuryakin Says:

    You are a member of Congress.

  11. On December 21st, 2011 at 11:45 am Tricia Says:

    I took my daughter to a Miley Cyrus concert but spent the entire night at the bar which makes me a lush and NOT a douchebag πŸ™‚ You are also a douchebag if you walk around with a bluetooth.

  12. On December 21st, 2011 at 10:18 pm Jamie Says:

    Yes, yes, YES to the bluetooth. Definite douchiness going on there.

  13. On December 21st, 2011 at 11:47 am Rene Says:

    While shopping for your clothing at Walmart, you brag about spending $200+ monthly on your toddler’s wardrobe.

  14. On December 21st, 2011 at 11:50 am Redneck Mommy Says:

    I must be a total douchebag.

    I love Nickelback (bite me, bitches) and I’d totally bone Miley Cyrus’s dad.


  15. On December 22nd, 2011 at 2:52 am Devan Says:

    LOL!! This almost made me pee!
    Nickelback – YES, Billy Ray?? Girlllllllll, come’on, puhleeeease….no chance!

    Fellow Douchebag.

  16. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:03 pm Uncle Grayhawk Says:

    You go into the express line at the grocery store with far more than the posted limit, unload your car,t, say “excuse me” and then run off to the dairy aisle to get 4 more things.

    (Sadly, true story. I went over to the community bulletin board and grabbed an ad for a math tutor and left it on the stupid cow’s groceries. When she got back and saw it, she asked the cashier how it got there. I looked her dead in the eye and said “I got that for you. You seem to have a problem with counting.” I think the poor cashier almost hurt themselves trying not to laugh)

  17. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:50 pm Ewokmama Says:


  18. On December 21st, 2011 at 1:35 pm amy Says:

    LOVE IT!

  19. On December 21st, 2011 at 6:41 pm Nate Says:

    Nice. I salute you.

  20. On December 22nd, 2011 at 9:33 am Andie Says:

    You sir, are my hero.

  21. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:04 pm Megaboo Says:

    People who make the “duck” face in pictures. Especially men who post nothing but duck face pics to FB. Men like that are dubers! (ΓΌber douchebags)

    I love that you had nickleback on there. And the kardaahians! I don’t understand the fascination with those people. Am I the only person who detests them with every fiber of my being??! And Kim kardashian perfume totally smells like cheap hookers and tampax scented tampons.

  22. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:11 pm Luna Says:

    Dear Redneck Mommy, I almost submitted “You’re from Alberta” but I didn’t know if anyone here would know what I was talking about. πŸ˜€

    Anyway, you’re a weird exception. You can do most of these things and somehow still not be a douchebag.

  23. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:59 pm Terry Says:

    I ‘d have known what you were talking about! I can honestly say I remember when Nickleback was a bar band! (yea, I’m from Alberta)
    The people who park their rolling condominiums in the loading zone because they’re “just running in” at Wally World or Costco on a Saturday are my favorite douchbags. I mean yeah, so are the rest of the tree trillion people here.

  24. On December 21st, 2011 at 4:09 pm Luna Says:

    Oh ugh! The loading zone people! I hate them. They’re almost as bad as people who park in handicapped spots. They make me want to give them a reason to use the spot!

    You’re from Alberta? My condolences. πŸ˜€ (I’m from Saskatchewan originally and in BC now. I need *something* to help me feel superior. *grin*)

  25. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:16 pm Haven Says:

    If you drown yourself in any, ANY, kind of AXE body spray/scent/odor/nuerotoxin.

  26. On December 21st, 2011 at 1:33 pm SarahT Says:

    Really, if you drown yourself in ANYTHING “scented”.

  27. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:35 pm AmyBlam Says:

    So many thoughts..head might explode. Here’s one-everytime someone asks you to do something instead of saying no, thank you-you list IN DETAIL how you will be somewhere better, more expensive, etc.
    Also? You think it’s hip and cool to wait in line to go to “exclusive” clubs.

  28. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:50 pm Jenn Says:

    You give parenting/breast feeding advice when you have no kids no experiance with kids and no one asked you for it!! Now if you are a child psychologist, lactation consultant, or I actually ask for your advice then you aren’t a douche bag.(Sorry I can get pretty ranty on this subject I hate when people who don’t even know how to change a diaper try to tell me how to raise my kids)

  29. On December 22nd, 2011 at 8:54 am nicki Says:

    You give ANY advice about ANY topic you have never experienced yourself! Yes, the breastfeeding but also the parenting, losing weight, dealing with loss, and even the never smokers who LOVE to tell me to “just chew gum” or “take Chantix” to quit smoking.

  30. On December 21st, 2011 at 12:52 pm Erin K Says:

    You tell someone the reason they don’t like Seinfeld is because they are too stupid to understand it.

    (Also a true story. I was told that.)

  31. On December 21st, 2011 at 1:00 pm Jughead Larue Says:

    1. You use special grooming attachments on your razor to shave little thin strips and intricate designs into your beard (a la every MLB pitcher).
    2. When dancing at a club with a woman, you keep peeking in the mirror to check out your own ass and see how awesome you look.
    3. You go to a health club solely to ogle women.
    4. You think Axe cologne will get you laid, and using more Axe cologne will get you laid more.
    5. You have rims that cost more than the car.

  32. On December 21st, 2011 at 1:07 pm Melissa Says:

    Ok, I say Happy Friday. I think its an office thing.

    And the biggest douchebag backing into parking spots are the ones that do it in a full parking lot and take 10 minutes to do it. Makes me want to scream WHY!!!!!

  33. On December 21st, 2011 at 4:18 pm Luna Says:

    I do the backing up thing. It’s because in my province, it’s legal for anyone in a parking lot to slam into anyone backing out of a spot. They do not have to stop for you if you’re backing up. And if you can’t see, then too bad. So, if I’m pulling out frontwards, I have a lot better chance of seeing someone and not getting hit.

    However, I can back in fairly quickly. πŸ™‚

  34. On December 21st, 2011 at 6:43 pm Nate Says:

    I think we should replace “Thank God It’s Friday” with “Thank God It’s Not Monday”.

  35. On December 22nd, 2011 at 7:01 am Caroline Says:

    I recently observed a Japanese diplomat in a jaguar backing up in an empty parking lot for 12 minutes (I was sitting in my car drinking coffee on the other side of the street). I just staired and laughed the whole time…….I mean, there was nothing around him……he didn’t even have to follow any lines (because it was a courtyard turned parking lot for the weekend).

  36. On December 21st, 2011 at 1:11 pm Jughead Larue Says:

    You have a tattoo with Chinese characters, but you aren’t Chinese, don’t speak Chinese, and have to rely upon the tattooist’s good nature not to have etched “Sum Yung Cum” on your bicep.

  37. On December 21st, 2011 at 4:21 pm Luna Says:

    YES! I know someone who thought she had “Peace” but actually had “Dog”. Hahahaha.

  38. On December 21st, 2011 at 1:15 pm Jughead Larue Says:

    And finally, you adorn your vehicle with truck nutz, garter/panty rearview mirror ornaments, and/or Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes) pissing on anything.

  39. On December 22nd, 2011 at 9:36 am Andie Says:

    OMG Truck Nutz. I wrote a huge rant on Truck Nuts once. I hate them with a passion.

  40. On December 21st, 2011 at 1:36 pm Colleen Says:

    I absolutely LOATHE people who stop walking in the middle of a crowded isle in a store/festival/other crowded place. GTF out of the way before you deal with your kids’ tantrum!

  41. On December 21st, 2011 at 2:29 pm Brianna Says:

    “You eat pizza with a knife and fork” is the ultimate sign of a tool

  42. On January 2nd, 2012 at 5:22 am Mary L Says:

    My XMIL ate donuts with a knife & fork. Douchebag Queen!!

  43. On December 21st, 2011 at 2:50 pm Shelly Says:

    You ride the escalator and come to a dead stop at the end to have a chat to your companion about which way to go from here, while the people following you have to quickly skirt around you to avoid a pile-up.

  44. On December 21st, 2011 at 4:05 pm Barbara Says:

    I read this list at first with a smug sense of self satisfaction. Then I realized I’m just too damn old to be relevant and/or ironically relevant. Kind of a freeing yet has me thinking I should start looking for assisted living options.

  45. On December 21st, 2011 at 4:51 pm Melanie Says:

    Before I quit drinking I totally loved Pabst, with a lime in it. I called it ghettoweizen.

    I think it is really douchey to act like you’re dead broke, when mommy and daddy pay your bills and you’re 30. Why try to “act” poor? I never got that.

    At 37 I know I’m a douche for having trololo and honey badger t-shirts. I just can’t stop buying t-shirts that make me laugh. I don’t think I’ll ever grow up.

  46. On December 21st, 2011 at 5:05 pm IASoupMama Says:

    You pretend you didn’t drop a stinky-ass load of crap in a public bathroom even though we all heard ya squirtin’. Bonus points if you lined the toilet seat with TP before sitting down and then left it there when you slunk out of the stinky ass stall.

  47. On December 21st, 2011 at 6:04 pm Lori (aka Bubbe) Says:

    Like Luna, I back in to be able to exit more safely. I drive a honkin’ big Suburban, but I can back it in quite efficiently. If that makes me a douche, so be it. What the heck is a Kardashian?

  48. On December 21st, 2011 at 6:33 pm Joules Says:

    Wait, Snooki wrote a book?!

  49. On December 21st, 2011 at 7:06 pm Jughead Larue Says:

    . . . you spell “douchebag” as two separate words πŸ˜›

  50. On December 22nd, 2011 at 9:37 am Andie Says:

    Or hyphenate it.

  51. On December 21st, 2011 at 7:10 pm Caroline Says:

    You begin or end your sentences with “duuuuuuuuuuude” “totally, bro” or “OMG!”
    You claim to be Mother Natures #1 fan, but drive a gas guzzler.
    You lay claim to inventing the Internet.
    You smoke flavored cigarets.

  52. On December 21st, 2011 at 8:38 pm Carri Says:

    You take your little dog everywhere with you.

  53. On December 22nd, 2011 at 8:47 pm Super Red Says:

    or you OWN a little dog.

  54. On December 21st, 2011 at 8:50 pm Wombat Central Says:

    Heh heh. You said Winklevoss.

  55. On December 21st, 2011 at 10:21 pm Jonah Gibson Says:

    Holy shit! I am so not a douche bag. I have to say I was worried about it because I’ve been unemployed for so long and not looking for the next step that my self esteem is at an all time low. I went down the list carefully, and the only item that I’m even close on is that I occasionally back into a parking space at church, but only because my wife makes me. Big sigh of relief. Thanks for the check list.

  56. On December 22nd, 2011 at 3:00 am Devan Says:

    If you don’t use cruise control and drive 45 up hills and 92 down.


  57. On December 22nd, 2011 at 7:34 am Cindy Says:

    yeah, a couple of these describe me. ouch.

  58. On December 22nd, 2011 at 7:34 am Cindy Says:

    yeah, a couple of these describe me. ouch.

  59. On December 22nd, 2011 at 7:36 am alfred lives here Says:

    Ed Hardy? Snooki’s book? saying Tiger Blood? No maybe about it, that is a total douche…

    and uh some of the others yes I do…. oops…

  60. On December 22nd, 2011 at 9:38 am chrisinphx Says:

    My friends keep an eye on me if we’re out drinking, I have a habit of fixing popped collars for people and then telling them You’re Welcome and walking off.

  61. On August 31st, 2012 at 10:09 pm SLK41 Says:

    YES! I love this!

    And my contribution: people who are on the phone when ordering at places like Starbucks. Should the barrista interrupt your convo? Should she talk real quietly so as not to disturb your call? Should she stand around and wait for you? I think this is so douchey and I will go in front of the idiots standing there on their phones while ordering.

  62. On December 22nd, 2011 at 9:39 am Andie Says:

    You sit it parking lots with your car stereo so loud that the thumping bass rattles the windows of the office two stories up. And stand outside your car drinking coffee.

    Or, if you stand directly in front of doors that people are trying to get out of. Bonus points if the door has a ‘No Loitering’ sign.

  63. On December 22nd, 2011 at 10:10 am Jughead Larue Says:

    Ditto standing in front of doors, with bonus points for smoking, and super bonus points for blocking entrance/exit, smoking, and doing so in front of a place children frequent (i.e., Chuck E. Cheese, etc.)

  64. On December 22nd, 2011 at 10:10 am Meg at the Members Lounge Says:

    Your neighbor is one because he runs every gas powered piece of yard equipment he can cram into an eight hour day – ON THE WEEKEND. I’m convinced that leaf blower must be more gratifying than any sexual arousal a short man could experience.

  65. On December 22nd, 2011 at 10:27 am Blazngfyre Says:

    If you own/bought a Snuggie.
    If you wear Crocs (yes …. the “C” word)
    If you let your teenager wear PJ’s to SCHOOL!
    If you say, “I’ll be there to help after your surgery” and then DON’T.

    I know I’m a douchebag as I back into spaces.
    But like Luna, i’m quick about it! =)
    (it’s more for safety as I drive a honkin’ van)

  66. On December 22nd, 2011 at 10:57 am Illya Kuryakin Says:

    If we keep adding to this list, it will become…

    “Everyone is a douchebag, some of the time.”

    I’m actually content with that.

  67. On December 22nd, 2011 at 2:08 pm Amelia Says:

    I agree. I think as long as you realize you were a douchebag at some point, it’s ok. Like the some asshole driver, as long as he gives me the “I’m a douchebag” wave, I’m ok.

  68. On December 22nd, 2011 at 8:52 pm Super Red Says:

    “everyone’s a little bit douchy sometimes….
    that doesn’t mean we go around
    busting douche rhymes

    if we all could just admit
    that we’re all douchy a little bit
    even though we all know that it’s wrooooooong
    maybe it would help us get along.”

    on second thought… I don’t want to get along with a douchebag. πŸ˜‰

  69. On December 22nd, 2011 at 12:40 pm Jenn Says:

    If you use your stroller to run over poor unsuspecting strollerless people at Disneyworld or any other theme park. One of the things I was excited about when I was preg with my second child was that I would finally need a stroller again and therefore could exact my revenge!!! Oh and the people who stop in the entrance/exit of a store or street and roll down their windows to chat to their buddy on the opposite car on the other side therefore blocking a roadway. Double points if there is no way around.

  70. On December 22nd, 2011 at 1:43 pm Melissa Says:

    Oh, that goes for the people that ride those carts in the store, I”ve been hit twice by those (mostly) lazy ass people

  71. On December 22nd, 2011 at 2:00 pm Luna Says:

    And what gives you the magical ability to judge whether someone is lazy or actually needs the cart?

    You hit a hotbutton on this one. I am SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of the dirty looks that people give people who use carts in stores. You can see pain? You can see herniated disks? You can see arthritis? You can see fibromyalgia? You can see chronic fatigue? You can see when people are recovering from surgery? Or cancer? Or have muscular issues? Or mitochondrial issues?

  72. On December 22nd, 2011 at 3:58 pm Illya Kuryakin Says:

    I won’t speak for everyone who rides those carts. I’ve been run over by folks who use them and I’ve seen lazy folks use them. I understand the anger.

    Having said that, my wife uses one because she can barely walk. She hates that she has to use the thing.

  73. On December 22nd, 2011 at 1:58 pm Dr. Cynicism Says:

    OMG that list is sooo winning! Oh wait….

  74. On December 22nd, 2011 at 8:49 pm Super Red Says:

    I love this post. Half of them apply to me and I kind of take it like a badge of honor, because I’m seriously not a douchy person. πŸ™‚ (I bet all DBs saying that..)

    OOH! And I just started drinking PBR this week… a friend (from Ohio who was drinking it before the hipsters were) introduced me to it, and I’m kind of addicted. I”m not normally a beer person but it’s tasty.

  75. On December 26th, 2011 at 8:58 pm Dominic Says:

    If you’re over 25 and you still wear your hat backwards.

  76. On January 2nd, 2012 at 5:29 am Mary L Says:

    People who talk on cell phones, loudly, in public bathroom stalls. I always invite myself to the conversation: WHAT? You need paper? No, I don’t have any extra paper! I can’t help you! what? What? WHAT?!!!!

  77. On January 2nd, 2012 at 5:29 am Mary L Says:

    People who talk on cell phones, loudly, in public bathroom stalls. I always invite myself to the conversation: WHAT? You need paper? No, I don’t have any extra paper! I can’t help you! what? What? WHAT?!!!!

  78. On January 8th, 2012 at 3:46 pm Kristin Dunning Says:

    The “Hey, Watch this!” one is now going into my “Hi I’m your new guidance counselor and here’s what you need to know to succeed in high school/life” routine.

  79. On February 21st, 2012 at 1:56 am Ramon Atwaj Says:

    If you have ever owned a hanging balls trailer hitch…

  80. On March 3rd, 2012 at 5:47 pm Eric Says:

    If you own a handicap Packard, and their are handy cap spaces open, but you park in the Fire lane.

  81. On November 20th, 2013 at 9:01 pm solid Says:

    How does backing into parking spaces make you a douche bag? When you back into a space, you leave pulling forward. It’s a responsible and safe thing to do. Especially with trucks and utility vehicles.

  82. On November 27th, 2013 at 9:15 pm Mike Says:

    I take offense to the “kernel panic” symptom of douchebaggery. Knowledge, the pursuit of knowledge and understanding computers isn’t a douche-like mannerism. Nerdy , sure, geeky, of course, douche-like nyet.

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