Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

You Look Like A Monkey, And Smell Like One Too.


So I woke up today a whole year older and I feel…exactly the same. When I was a kid, I always thought that I should feel somehow different, older and wiser, or at least, have my boobs grow a size or something to ring in the New Year. Sadly–or is it thankfully, since I’ve already surpassed the Maximum Boob Size I’d Wanted years ago–I’ve never noticed an appreciable change in me.

However, in response to my pathetic pity party post (alliteration much?) I did manage to procure myself my very own Blog Troll, something I’d wanted very, very much and am counting as my Own Personal Birthday Present. Thank you, o Blog Troll, for coming by to reflect upon my general state of self-pity and inability to be pleased by what I have.

But despite being openly berated by someone with bad grammar, the rest of The Internet deserves a massive Thank You from my heart to yours. I’d send you a present if I could, sweet Internet, whom I love so very much that it hurts.Seriously, you made me blush a little bit and maybe my nipples got a little hard when I saw that everyone else refrained from telling me how obnoxious I was being (oh, don’t get me wrong, the Blog Troll was RIGHT. I was whining.) and some of you even understood what the hell I was blabbering about.

Will you marry me, Internet?

So today, I ask you, my sweet Internet, something I’ve always wondered and never thought to ask (primarily because I am dumb). Zodiac signs, hoax or dogma? I’m a Cancer, born a couple weeks early–supposed to be a Leo–and although I suppose some of the traits fit (like throwing shit onto a wall?) I don’t really see it. What do you think?

posted under It's Becky, Bitch
68 Comments to

“You Look Like A Monkey, And Smell Like One Too.”

  1. On July 15th, 2008 at 10:54 am PiquantMolly Says:

    As I told you yesterday, zodiacs are shit. However, I always read mine. Guess that’s the self-centered Leo in me, heh.

  2. On July 15th, 2008 at 10:59 am electriclady Says:

    Happy birthday!!!

    I am a Capricorn (a double Capricorn, in fact, for those who care about such things–Capricorn sun sign and Capricorn rising) and I am SUCH a Capricorn. Anal, conservative, slow-burning, meticulous. My hubby is SUCH an Aries–impulsive, headstrong, passionate. BG has yet to fully form her personality but she already seems pretty Aquarian–verbal, quirky, cool. (Can you tell I used to be REALLY into astrology?) So yeah, I guess I do kind of believe it.

  3. On July 15th, 2008 at 11:19 am magpie Says:

    Happy birthday you monkey you!

    (I think the zodiac thing is wack…but that’s me.)

  4. On July 15th, 2008 at 11:26 am T Says:

    Happy Birthday you beautiful big busted baby!

    (Just had to carry the alliteration thing a little too far – didn’t I?)

    Hope your folks help to make the day a little less ordinary!


  5. On July 15th, 2008 at 11:39 am DOC Says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky !!

    (I don’t pay attention to zodiac signs ’cause I heard they had something to do with some serial killer)

  6. On July 15th, 2008 at 11:40 am chicory Says:

    well, I am very much a pisces, Sassa is so Leo it’s amazing (and her little friend that I watch is ALSO a Leo and they are so very much alike in personality), and Klove is so scorpio that I don’t know why I married her sometimes.

    So yeah, I think there’s something to them.

  7. On July 15th, 2008 at 11:41 am Ames Says:

    Happy Birthday!

    As for me, I think the whole zodiac thing is a hoax.

  8. On July 15th, 2008 at 11:57 am giggleblue Says:

    zodaic? you mean that movie??

  9. On July 15th, 2008 at 11:57 am Backpacking Dad Says:

    Happy Birthday, fellow crab.

    Zodiac schmodiac. Lunar tides are where it’s at. And numerology.

  10. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:03 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    Happy Birthday Lady!

    And I dispatched with your troll quite nicely. Send her over, would you.

  11. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:03 pm Heather Says:

    Happy Birthday! I hope it is wonderful and full of cake you don’t have to bake for yourself!

    As for zodiac, I say hoax. It’s always so general… you could make anything fit it’s predictions!

  12. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:06 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Happy Birthday Auntie B.

    And zodiac? Hmm… let’s see… I’ve got a zodiac calendar tattooed on my left shoulder… I wonder what that means…

  13. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:10 pm Frozen Star Says:

    Happy birthday Becky!

    This Leo is convinced that astrology is bull. It’s trying to tell me that I’m outgoing.

  14. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:14 pm Kristen Says:

    Happy Birthday Sweetie! Hope you get out and enjoy the day. And just think, you can eat all the cake you like you sausage incubating mommy you.
    and astrology and I do not cross paths, I have no idea what my sign even means.

  15. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:18 pm Mumma Boo Says:

    Happy Birthday! Zodiac? Nah. Even if I wasn’t a Taurus, I’d still be a stubborn control freak. Heh.

  16. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:19 pm Candid Engineer Says:

    Happy birthday, Aunt Becky. 🙂

  17. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:24 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Umm…when it comes to astrology, I never know what planet is having tea in whose house, or who’s not speaking to somebody else, or when it’s time for them to stand in line with their field trip buddy…

    I’m sure it has relevance to someone, but mostly I just know that Aquarians tend not to have favourite things and are generally easy to get along with…until we’re not.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K, the continually bewildered

  18. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:37 pm heather Says:

    I know crap about zodiac symbols. I just think it’s cool we’re both Cancers.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, you gorgeous bitch, you.

  19. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:47 pm heather Says:

    You have WAY too many heathers reading this blog dangit. When I go through the comments I think did I already comment on this? WTF? Have I been in my mother’s pills again?
    I’m a Sagittarius and my hubby is a Leo. We are perfect for each other, and if you believe in that stuff, our signs are attracted to each other, and the signs of my exes were incompatibles. Also, I am very much like a Sag, and my husband is a total Leo. So maybe?

  20. On July 15th, 2008 at 12:57 pm gingermagnolia Says:

    I’m a cancer, too, through and through. I like to make rhymes, some of the time. And…you are entitled to have a pity party. You have been through a lot in a very short time. This is the day you should be treated with care and love!!!

  21. On July 15th, 2008 at 1:01 pm Tricia Says:

    Happy Birthday.

  22. On July 15th, 2008 at 1:06 pm birdpress Says:

    Happy birthday again!
    I read my horoscope every day but I only believe it if it is good. If it is bad then the whole thing is crap.

  23. On July 15th, 2008 at 1:10 pm Lola Says:

    Happy day! I never pay much attention to astrology, but I do know that I live up to the Aquarius stereotypes completely. It never ceases to amaze me with even famous people how much we all seem to be alike.

  24. On July 15th, 2008 at 1:15 pm Denise Says:

    Happy Birthday my dear sweet Becky!

  25. On July 15th, 2008 at 1:15 pm Kymberli Says:

    Masses of birthday wishes to you. I’ll never forget your birthday, because today is also my nephew’s birthday.

    I’m an Aquarius. Aquarians are supposed to be forward, avant-garde, ahead-of-their-time thinkers. The saying goes, “The way an Aquarian thinks, so will the world in 50 years.”

    I hope that’s not true, because if it is, considering the things that go through my mind, the world is going to hell in a gasoline-soaked handbasket.

  26. On July 15th, 2008 at 1:45 pm g Says:

    Happy Birthday Sista! I will drink some Vodka for you tonight. It’s the least I can do.
    No really.

  27. On July 15th, 2008 at 1:50 pm Kelly Says:

    Happy, happy birthday! I tend not to buy into the whole sign thing, unless it will get me out of something. I am a Gemini, so I like to blame things on my evil twin…

  28. On July 15th, 2008 at 1:53 pm Betty M Says:

    Happy Birthday!
    Zodiacs – rubbish in my opinion. I reckon if you give someone a random sign profile they would find it matched them.
    Hope you got some better pressies than the Troll.

  29. On July 15th, 2008 at 2:13 pm deb Says:

    oh its for realz aunt becky. virgo the virgin in the house! what?… you doubt me?…i am….seriously….what?…

    happy burfday!

  30. On July 15th, 2008 at 2:48 pm Edward Says:

    Happy Birthday!!!! Now what did your horoscope say for the day?

    Libra….all the way. Always looking and striving for balance or is that ….I’m just unbalnaced as in “crazy.” I read my horoscope every chance I get which happens to be about once or twice a week. I hope the stars and planets really don’t know what I’m thinking cuz I’m in big trouble. Don’t truly buy into it but I do think it is amusing.

  31. On July 15th, 2008 at 3:25 pm Jenn Says:

    Oooh a blog troll, yay you! You know you’re awesome when even people who claim to dislike you can’t wait to leave comments! 🙂

    Happy actual birthday to you!

  32. On July 15th, 2008 at 3:43 pm Heather Says:

    Sagittarius, here — same as the other Heather, and I’m in total agreement, WTF? with all the Heathers; when did this happen?

    And a blog troll? Could your birthday possibly be any better?! This is all you’ve ever wanted, Becky!

  33. On July 15th, 2008 at 3:58 pm Melissa C Says:


    I’m too far to bring you cake… but pick any one off my web site and I will re-name it for you…k? 🙂

  34. On July 15th, 2008 at 4:15 pm TROLL Says:


    BWHA HA HA HA!!!

    & um trollish stuff
    (I’m trying here!)

  35. On July 15th, 2008 at 4:17 pm c. Says:

    Happy birthday, B. XO.

  36. On July 15th, 2008 at 4:20 pm andria Says:

    Happy Birthday!

  37. On July 15th, 2008 at 4:31 pm honeywine Says:

    *turning on the bubble machine and disco ball* Happy Birthday!!!!

    I think it’s a matter of getting the right one. My Leo horoscopes are usually pretty darned on target. Some of the better magazine horoscopes are in Marie Claire and All You (the Walmart magazine…they’ve got a Brit astrologer who’s supposedly pretty famous across the pond). Maybe you’re on the cusp!

    I’ve actually done my own horoscope and M.’s and our marriage horoscope. It was VERY enlightening! Our marriage horoscope said we’d travel a lot, have plenty of cash, and there’d be a tendency toward affairs. Sadly, it sort of all fits. I’ve traveled more since we’ve been married than I had in the 30 years previous (ok that’s not saying much since we didn’t go anywhere before) and although on the po’ side, we always seem to have enough to get by with nice checks showing up whenever we’re getting desperate. As for the affairs, well, let’s hope that we’ve gotten past that part. But, It did make me want to delve more deeply into the subject.

  38. On July 15th, 2008 at 5:33 pm ste Says:

    Happy Birthday!! Congrats on the troll! He/she can go screw!

    I will marry you, my birthday twin and we will have a huge bash every year.

    I, too, was supposed to be a Leo! I was due on July 23, I believe. Ca-razy!

    Have a drink for me tonight, okay? And I’ll eat one of my fabulous supermarket cupcakes with orange frosting for you. Or would you prefer one with blue frosting?

    All my love, Becky. Here’s to a new year much better than the last!


  39. On July 15th, 2008 at 7:21 pm Jenn Says:

    Happy Birthday, my friend! I hope you have had a wonderful day!

  40. On July 15th, 2008 at 7:28 pm mandy Says:

    Yes, my name is now “Internet” just so I can accept this proposal. I will marry you and take you out for your b-day. I think the other stuff is a hoax. (imho)

  41. On July 15th, 2008 at 8:24 pm Emily (Apron Strings) Says:

    Happy Happy Bird-day too yews … That’s what my nephew always says to me on my birthday.

    As for the Zodiac thingy … being a Cancer myself, I can see we share some similar traits … well, at least what I’ve read about you anyway.

    Hope you have a wonderful self-centered, spoiling yourself kinda day. You deserve it!

  42. On July 15th, 2008 at 8:52 pm Sara Says:


    I hope your day was full of great stuff, or lots of whining to make people feel guilty about not treating your birthday like it’s the best holiday, not including Christmas.

    I’m a Leo, and if it didn’t fit so damn well, I would say it was all hogwash. But, since it does, I say there might be something to it!

  43. On July 15th, 2008 at 9:06 pm Marly Says:

    Happy Birthday, dear Aunt Becky! 🙂

  44. On July 15th, 2008 at 9:11 pm -Seraphimred- Says:

    Happy birthday to youuuuuuuu!
    Happy birthday to youuuuuuuu!
    You look like a monkeyyyy
    and ………ya smell like one toooo!


    Hope you have had a greatttttttt day Aunt Becky!

  45. On July 15th, 2008 at 9:21 pm DrowseyMonkey Says:

    Umm … and what’s wrong with looking & smelling like a monkey? Hey there missy? 😉

    Happppppy Birrrrrrthday!

  46. On July 15th, 2008 at 9:23 pm tash Says:

    Happy Birthday! (I’m the anti-troll — so slammed that I can’t comment, grammatically or ungrammatically correct, anywhere. Sigh.)

    You do resemble a Leo, now that you mention it. And I live with two of them. And I used to think it was crap, but they are the most independent, stubborn, forthright people I know. Smart, too.

  47. On July 15th, 2008 at 9:57 pm Amanda Says:

    LOL about your troll.

    The astrology thing…I’m not sure what to think. I kind of think it’s crap, but I am also soooooooo the stereotypical Virgo. And I read this baby horoscope yesterday, for Brooklyn, and it was pretty dead-on too. So hmmmmmmmmmm.

  48. On July 15th, 2008 at 10:04 pm a- Says:

    Happy Birthday to my favorite Aunt! Hope your day was full of wet makeup kisses!

  49. On July 15th, 2008 at 10:12 pm sara Says:

    Thanks for the sweet comment…it’s funny how pregnancy makes you feel the least attractive you’ve ever felt in your whole life. And it’s still so early on for me! As far as the zodiac sign…hmmm that’s a tough one. I’m a cancer too as I mentioned. I’ve always gotten along really well with other cancers, and also other water signs like pieces and scorpios. Funny enoough, my dad (a cancer) married my mom (a pieces) and me ( a cancer) married my husband (a scorpio). But heck that’s about all I know. I’m a cancer through and through though I think – a little sensitive, a homebody, etc….

  50. On July 15th, 2008 at 11:21 pm theramblinghousewife Says:


  51. On July 15th, 2008 at 11:39 pm pamajama Says:

    I love, love, love the zodiac & believe in it completely! However, you have to have your entire natal chart completed & find out what your rising sign (ascendant) & moon are to explain the whole package. I’m a Gemini, but my moon is Cancer & Rising is Pisces which completely change everything. You know how sometimes you meet people & it’s easy & comfortable & other times you meet someone who should be friend potential but you get no vibe at all? There’s your astrology!

  52. On July 16th, 2008 at 12:09 am Natalie Says:

    Happy birthday!!

    And oh, you always crack me up. I admire people who can laugh at trolls instead of your head popping off… which is what happens to me. Le sigh.

  53. On July 16th, 2008 at 3:34 am Lannie Says:

    As a fellow kid that’s born in summer, I can totally relate to your pity-party-post… being born on 28 July meant that there was no one ever coming to my birthday. Can you say childhood trauma? 😉
    Also, I try to make it a good day, always. Even if it only comes down to lazing in the sun and eating strawberries or sushi or something.
    In my case it helps that the husband is born two days after me, so we usually both take those days off.

    And from what I’ve read on your blog (yeah, secretly stalking you for a few weeks now! don’t worry, I won’t fly over to kill you in your sleep) you have some cancer-traits… but mostly in how fiercely you love your kids and your husband and how much you value family. Also, one of my best friends is a late cancer like you (birthday in a week) and she has the same bluntness that you do… you remind me of her.
    Being a Leo myself, I’ve always liked Cancers 😉 We’re like zodiac neighbours, you know… 😀

    Anyway, nice to meet you, happy HAPPY birthday, and you’re getting birthday wishes from Europe, isn’t that fun?? 😉

  54. On July 16th, 2008 at 7:41 am sara Says:

    I forgot to say that if we get married (or if you marry the internet) you just can’t tell my husband, okay? Hehe!

  55. On July 16th, 2008 at 8:01 am Kristine Says:

    Happy Birthday!

    I’m a Scorpio…and I’m like a textbook Scorpio. I think it’s coincidence though.

  56. On July 16th, 2008 at 8:08 am LAS Says:

    Happy birthday! I’m a Taurus – but close to Gemini. I think Taurus mostly fits me, but I have a little Gemini in me also.

  57. On July 16th, 2008 at 8:56 am Amy Says:

    Sent you a late card…it can say it so much better than me! Happy Birthday late my dear friend…oh, wait you get a whole Birthday week don’t you?! Much love!

  58. On July 16th, 2008 at 9:40 am Ashley L. Says:

    Let ole Kendra have it! You go! I do understand the whine from your previous post. Whine on..whine on. And I’m a cancer too, but I think I kind of buy into it. I have a lot of cancer traits.

  59. On July 16th, 2008 at 10:41 am Maria Says:

    Star sign stuff is fun for me. I don’t live by it or anything, but I do feel like I have Aries traits. I don’t fee like my husband does, but he’s much closer to being a Pisces or Libra or something. Whichever feel-good gentle non-asshole sign is before mine. My son is also an Aries, and I feel like a lot of his personality aligns to that sign (and to my personality.) Which is terrifying.

    Yeah all three of us are Aries.

    If Alvin arrives according to schedule, he will be a Scorpio. All the girl Scorpio’s I’ve known well have been raving bitches. So in this respect, I’m glad he’s a boy. I don’t know much about that star sign but it certainly sounds badass and kind of scary.

  60. On July 16th, 2008 at 11:07 am Badass Geek Says:

    Happy Birthday!

    I’ll have to return what I got you, seeing as you got a Troll already. The one I got you probably isn’t as cool.

  61. On July 16th, 2008 at 2:49 pm kbreints Says:

    Happy birthday- late!

    seems to be story of my life lately… hope all is going well and you had a great one! Or at least one that did not suck? 😉

  62. On July 16th, 2008 at 3:14 pm Vered Says:

    Happy Birthday!

    I’m a Gemini but I don’t believe in these things. 🙂

  63. On July 16th, 2008 at 4:17 pm Lisa Says:

    Happy Birhtday to you, Happy Birthday to you,

    Hope this one is better than last year!!!
    Zodiac signs…I am a Leo through and through…yep have to say I believe there is something to them.

  64. On July 16th, 2008 at 8:12 pm niobe Says:

    Happy B-day. With much love and many good wishes.

  65. On July 16th, 2008 at 9:44 pm Holly Says:

    Happy the day after Birthday.

  66. On July 16th, 2008 at 10:52 pm Emily R Says:

    Happy birthday! I think you can probably guess what I think of zodiac signs.

  67. On July 17th, 2008 at 11:59 am quietgirl from work :) Says:

    Ah I forgot we had the same birthday! Tho I turned “only 30”. (Next year I will turn “only 31″…) I’ve decided when I look in the mirror, rather than compare myself with what I looked like 1, 5, or 10 years ago, I will compare myself to what I think I’ll look like at 70. Then I will always be thrilled by my youthful appearance. I started this morning- and I’ve got to say- my skin is looking the youngest it has in years!

    Happy Birthday Cancer!

  68. On July 18th, 2008 at 2:44 pm A Soldier's Girl Says:

    Sorry I’m late (I’ve been on internet strike ~ actually my computer decided to stop working for me :()

    But HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY!!! And if you weren’t pregnant, I would send you a bottle of the best vodka money or whatever can buy! 🙂

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