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You Know What This Week Needs?


More passive-aggressive behavior!

Between a certain *ahem* subset of my family not taking NO for an answer around the holidays and showing up uninvited to crying into my toast this morning because my mother–who is mad at me–let my milk rot (long, long story).

I’m in dire need of some hilarious (and not so hilarious) passive-aggressive stories. Seriously, y’all. Maybe I’ll even send something to the most hilarious and passive-aggressive story of them all. Will a contest entice you to entertain me?

32 Comments to

“You Know What This Week Needs?”

  1. On January 8th, 2009 at 12:29 pm Kristine Says:

    Passive aggression runs in my family. I have so many stories, I don’t even know where to start. Although none will probably win prizes.

    My in-laws used to stay in the guest room of our house when they came into town (more on this later) and when we moved into our new house we didn’t have the TV set up in that room. There is no cable run to the room and we decided to sell our extra TV. MIL “needs” the TV on in order to sleep. They stayed a few times at our house without the TV, and then when we went to visit them, they had mysteriously given away the TV in their guest room, I think it was a way of getting even. (Husband prefers the TV on at night as well, but I actually prefer dark silence. I WIN all around!)

    Nearly 2 years ago, my mother in law drove backwards down the driveway with my son in her lap. Rather than lean in the house and let me know that she needed me to hold him while she moved the car. As a freshly post-partum first time mom it infuriated me, things exploded (not so passively) and the fight ended with them leaving a day early and with her telling me that they would not spend the night in my house again until I expressly invited them myself and her non-apology of “I’m sorry you feel that way.” I have not invited them back. I love that they stay at a hotel and I get to get away from them each night when they’re in town. And they come less often now.

  2. On January 8th, 2009 at 12:44 pm Miss Grace Says:

  3. On January 8th, 2009 at 1:04 pm a Says:

    Got this email from my mother when I invited her to come to my daughter’s 2nd birthday party. We live 300 miles apart, and last Christmas, my husband asked me not to drive that far in winter with our daughter. So I didn’t because he gets a say too. Then my mom sent a t-shirt for my daughter that said Cute as a button (in very stylized text), so my husband jokingly misread the shirt and said S. couldn’t wear a shirt that said “Cute ass butt.” I think that explains all the references…please enjoy this masterpiece of passive-aggressive writing.

    “I ordered 4 books from Amazon which should arrive after 10.06. I was thinking of driving out for her birthday but it doesn’t seem as though I am welcome at your home. If I send S. clothes, J. doesn’t like them, if I request that you visit me, J. doesn’t want you to come here so I guess that just means J. wants nothing to do with me and you must feel the same. I am not looking to hurt you or argue with you, but I am very sad that I do not know your child and can’t be included in her life. And I am not trying to put any guilt trips on you, but I wonder if things would be the same if your father was alive. I have held this in for some time and just feel now is the time to tell you my feelings. You don’t have to answer; I just wish things were different. I will send a check with her birthday card. I just wish I could do something right as far as you are concerned…………………mom”

  4. On January 8th, 2009 at 1:09 pm Coco Says:

    Recently, my husband’s nutty brother pretended to be dead.

    Dude, I can’t make this kind of material up.

    He had his wife telling the family he was DOA and then claiming, “No you can’t come to the services, we don’t want anything to do with you.” His daughter called everyone crying.

    My FIL was frantic and even my hub, who hasn’t spoken to this dick in about ten thousand years (Are you wondering why? No, you’re not.) had a major case of the guilts and was actually looking to buy a plane ticket before hub’s sister & I said “Whoa! Let’s call the cops and possibly the medical examiner’s office before we start ordering urns, people!”

    Finally the police called on his family rather forcefully (they are on a first name basis with him…imagine!) and he was forced to ‘fess up.

    We still have no fucking idea what possible motivation he had.

    P.S. If this doesn’t win I’ll be truly scared. Whose story could be worse than this one?

  5. On January 8th, 2009 at 1:31 pm Laura Says:

    I used to work at a daycare where we used a notebook to communicate with one another about the kids. So if you worked in the mornings and noticed that little Emily was having an off day or say, Emily and Megan were not getting along then you could leave a note in the notebook to let the people who came in for the afternoon shift know what was going on.

    However, my boss used this notebook as her passive aggressive outlet. She would walk into the daycare center, smile and say hello to all of us and then head straight into the office for the notebook. There she would furiously scribble down all the things we were doing wrong or hadn’t done that she noticed as she breezed through the center. Never once could she say any of these things to her face.

    Finally, one day I had it and as she was walking back out of the office and past us, I said loud enough for her to hear, “Well, I better go check the notebook and find out what I have done wrong today.” She just kept right on walking and acted as though she didn’t hear. I finally quit that job, but I guarantee she still uses that notebook to this very day.

  6. On January 8th, 2009 at 3:05 pm heather Says:

    I got lots, but for starters..

    E has two sisters. One lives out of state and chooses not to visit ON Christmas (everyone else is local so we gather Christmas Day). Local Sister (LS) decided amongst HERSELF to schedule an “alternate” Christmas. She even checked everyone’s schedule AHEAD of time to ensure they were available for alternate Christmas so Out of Town Sis (OTS) wouldn’t have to miss the gift exchange. She missed us; E called her and told her his work party was that night and could we do it in the afternoon. She says “no, only between 5-7, if you have to miss it, you have to miss it.” Sort of pissed us off, but anyway. We go about our business and she calls us the afternoon of the party and asks if we could please bring her children’s gifts by so they have something to open. Skank.

    His family owns the copyright on passive aggressive behavior; makes me want to throttle each and every one of ’em.

  7. On January 8th, 2009 at 3:18 pm Betts Says:

    I am the one with passive-aggressive behavior, so I cannot embarass myself by telling stories here. I can proudly say that I’m a P-A scorpio, so the person on the receiving end doesn’t even realize they’ve been gotten. I’m mean and sneaky. (Mostly, I’m a nice person!)

  8. On January 8th, 2009 at 3:27 pm Badass Geek Says:

    How about driving really slow and hugging the center line when the asshole behind you really wants to pass you?

    That usually makes me feel better.

  9. On January 8th, 2009 at 3:56 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    Sorry, I have no stories of my own that would compete. I vote for Coco.
    As soon as I figure out how to do it, I’m going to block my craziest cousins’ phone numbers, so she can’t call me, that hardly compares to pretending to be dead. Then I’m going to do the same to the future-ex’s mother’s nursing home – at this point, I don’t think the admin. staff is calling me, but she still is. She keeps asking for Shelly. I don’t even answer when I see their number come up anymore, but she leaves messages. I have no idea who Shelly is.

  10. On January 8th, 2009 at 4:30 pm Wabi Says:

    Once when I was home from college on a semester break I went to visit my grandmother with my dad. She smiled and handed me a gift box with a card attached. It was some bricabrac from the attic. I was touched she wanted to give me something, since before this she never expressed much interest in spending time with me. In fact, she pretty much ignored me as a kid.

    But then I opened the card, and it said “Your Oma and Opa are very old and going to die soon. You are a bad grandchild for not writing or calling us more often. When we are gone you will regret it.”

    Just as I finished reading the note, my grandmother snatched it from my hands and put it in her pocket, so my father couldn’t read it. “That’s just a little something between us that I thought you should know,” she said cheerfully. And to my father’s eyes, it seemed like a touching, albeit odd, moment.

    It wasn’t until we got in the car to go home that I told him what the note said.

    And that’s the story of the first time I ever heard my father call someone a bitch.

  11. On January 8th, 2009 at 6:05 pm dora Says:

    I would say when my sis-in-law wanted me to buy her bridesmaids dress AND her flight to my wedding. Did I fail to mention that –
    a. I was no longer working at the moment cause of medical reasons.
    B. I didn’t ask her to be in the wedding. she bitched at my husband til he asked her to be in the wedding.

    Last but not least…..

    C. I hadn’t even met the bitch yet?!

  12. On January 8th, 2009 at 6:08 pm dora Says:

    Oh, I forgot one.

    My grandmother.

    Everytime we go to visit, she tries to give us something of hers. Which, I know a lot of old folks do, but my grandma is a doozie.

    Her parting comments are always,’Well, you don’t forget about me and come and see me. you know I’m gonna die soon. Any day now!’

  13. On January 8th, 2009 at 6:42 pm baseballmom Says:

    My grandpa, whenever I used to call and say, “Hi grandpa, how are you?” would say, every time, “Oh, NOT GOOD.” and then proceed to tell me why he was not good, and try to guilt me into coming over. When we did come over, he’d complain about the kids’ running around by saying, “What’s the problem?” or “Boy, they sure are busy.” I HATED it, and as a result, didn’t see him as much as I used to. My grandma also loves to end every conversation on the phone with, ” Well, come over when you can. I don’t think the boys like visiting me, it’s too boring.” Ugh.

  14. On January 8th, 2009 at 6:45 pm Sus Says:

    How about this or this?

  15. On January 8th, 2009 at 7:22 pm RhoRho Says:

    I swear to you I’m not trying to gain readers with this (i mean shit i have like three, that’s a lot right?), but here’s a relevant link to my post last May…on my MIL’s passive-agressive gift-giving. Just to preface or if you don’t have time – she is an importer of Balinese stuff, and has given me awesome things from her store in the past…jewlery, belts, teak wooden bowls, all good stuff…and last year, after a year of sortof unspoken conflict, what do i get? A g-damn CLEOPATRA hat, that’s what. WTF? There is a photo. It’s scary.

    actually I can’t link it but whatev. how did Sus do that???

    Ummm yeah your pregnancy seems longer than mine and mine were both like fifteen months long.

  16. On January 8th, 2009 at 7:23 pm RhoRho Says:

    hey look at that it linked. duh.

  17. On January 8th, 2009 at 7:40 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    My MIL bitches at my FIL and I whenever we talk about politics because she says it isn’t polite, but in reality it’s because she isn’t part of the conversation and doesn’t want us enjoying ourselves.

  18. On January 8th, 2009 at 8:45 pm Kristen Says:

    Sounds like most people have in-law issues. My hubby’s great aunt is a piece of work. She tried to manipulate the whole family by telling them about what she is leaving them in her will and how they need to fall at her feet and do what they want.
    This Christmas, we had been told that they weren’t going to come for dinner. So my hubby called and chatted with her and let her know we were having dinner and they were welcome but he understood they weren’t coming. Well she was calling hsi mom every day, complaining how we hadn’t invited them. So finally hubby got sick of it and called her up and said and made it very clear that they were invited. She told him that they might come. Christmas day, they were still saying that they might even though she had a turkey in the oven. Just to make a point, so I couldn’t plan properly I guess. They never come when invited.

    Hope you are doing alright, thinking of you.

  19. On January 8th, 2009 at 9:16 pm Elizabeth Ann Says:

    My husband’s grandmother HATES me mainly because I am a tree hugging granola crunching bleeding heart liberal. I couldn’t care less. This Christmas she sent my hubs one of those cards with the curly fruity script “To a Special Grandson blah blah blah” under which she wrote in ” and that wife of his”. I shit you not. I laughed heartily and wished there was some sort of mail order VD delivery service. It would be The Syph for her!

    When he and I were first dating I was visiting his family (the rest of whom are delightful) they kindly asked if there was anything I didn’t like to eat or was allergic to. Yes, I am freakishly allergic to mangoes he tells them (oh dear! no mangoes for her then!). After I had been there for a few days and his grandmother prepared a chicken dish for dinner with some sort of chutney sauce thing. While I think fruit and meat shouldn’t be mixed I politely ate a few bites and stopped puzzled at this rather exotic flavor…what is this I think. F*ck me! Dear Grandmother I ask calmly what is in this delicious sauce? “Why mangoes dear” she smiles benignly “oh thats right….you’re allergic aren’t you, thats a shame”. An hour later I was puffed up like the Michelin man covered in hives and frantically driving through Sacramento looking for a 24 hour pharmacy so I could buy some Benadryl and perhaps a hit man.

    Ahhh memories! Sorry about your crap day, sounds like you’re getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop today.

  20. On January 8th, 2009 at 9:30 pm Lola Says:

    I tend to lean more towards the aggressive side of life, but I have been known to make my husband a nice hot cup of Smooth Move tea when he’s been particularly obnoxious.

    The dumbass has no idea why he’s shitting his brains out, and I just walk around laughing like the evil genius witch that I am!

  21. On January 9th, 2009 at 6:12 am Jessi Louise Says:

    I lived with my grandma growing up and she is very skilled with passive-aggressive behavior. I have picked up some of it from her and sometimes I have to make a conscious effort to be more direct.

    When we were living in Colorado, about 800 miles from my family in MN, I made a surpise trip to visit with my two boys. Only my aunt knew we were coming and we showed up to a family barbecue with no one else expecting us. I thought it was going to be a fun surprise. My grandma reacted happily for about 5 minutes, until she realized that my aunt had known all along and that we were spending the first few days at her house. She barely spoke to me for the rest of the party.

  22. On January 9th, 2009 at 7:15 am Em Says:

    My mom comes with her own passive aggressive slogan…

    “Expect nothing and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”

    This is usually followed by a plastered smile, then a sigh.

    Have you seen “The Ref” with Dennis Leary? You know the part where Kevin Spacey tells his mom they’re going to get her a cross for her birthday?

    Yeah, that thought has crossed my mind, many a time.

    Happy Weekend!!

  23. On January 9th, 2009 at 7:22 am mumma boo Says:

    Yeesh, I thought my in-laws were bad. They haven’t tried to kill me or pretended their dead yet. I guess I’ll be grateful that the only thing they do is turn EVERY event into something about my SIL. My daughter’s birthday party? Turns into a lovefest for SIL’s kids, with my daughter wondering why her grandparents love her cousins more than her. My son’s birthday party? Turns into a weepfest because SIL feels insulted that her daddy doesn’t like her singing, and storms off in a huff. Christmas party? Turns into a screamfest because BIL (husband of said SIL) insults MIL, but SIL defends him and SIL gets bent because MIL is mad at her dear hubby. Ah, good times.

  24. On January 9th, 2009 at 7:23 am mumma boo Says:

    Ok, I can’t spell. I meant “pretended they’re dead yet”. Pass the caffeine, please.

  25. On January 9th, 2009 at 8:06 am Jenn Says:

    I WISH my in-laws would pretend they are dead, haha. Okay maybe not but they are driving me insane this week.
    Sorry, I suck at stories. BUT at least I’m FINALLY caught up on your bloggypoo. I’ve missed you bunches. xoxo

    Oh yeah… did you have that baby yet? hahahah

  26. On January 9th, 2009 at 10:10 am honeywine Says:

    Does subconsciously passive-aggressive crap work? Because I was just getting into the car to head out for weekend-long date when I discovered that my sister had taken the car keys with her to town (about 50 miles away). She NEVER DOES THAT! She leaves the keys in the car everywhere in town even. Of course, she’s with the boss man who seldom gets out anymore and who must go to every freakin’ store on the planet when he does instead of spending 30 min. doing what he needs to do and coming back (of course he read us the “but I can do it in 10 seconds flat” crap yesterday when we pointed out that it takes a couple of hours to get his stuff done). This is all after the boss tried to get snippy with me for asking what was going on because I got a call saying we must be in town in an hour without any other explanation (apparently it was because Manjina’s ho needed to see the doctor…undoubtedly about her impending VD). I could put all this down to bad luck, but they all spend a fair amount of time making little remarks about my dating habits. I know far too many passive-agressive people!

  27. On January 9th, 2009 at 10:17 am a Says:

    Boy, how timely – yesterday, my MIL went all passive-aggressive on my husband. Normally, I like her very much, but this was unsettling.

    My husband has 2 sisters who have children already. SIL #1 has 2 boys and 2 girls. The girls’ closets have more clothes than mine. So she purges occasionally, and SIL’s #2, and #3 and #4 (3 and 4 do not even have kids yet!) usually go through and take what they want before I take anything girly left. SIL #2 is currently pregnant with an unknown gender baby. Yesterday, DH was at his mom’s house and SIL #1 told him that she had sent over a big tub of clothes for S (our daughter). So DH gets a bag and starts loading all the 3T, 4T, 5 girl’s clothes into it. As he’s doing it, his mother starts pulling stuff out of the tub and putting it to the side for SIL #2. Who’s still pregnant. With possibly a boy. Who will not need 3T clothes for at least 2 years. So my husband tosses all the clothes back in the tub and tells his mother that he and my daughter were leaving. He was sooo pissed.

  28. On January 9th, 2009 at 3:32 pm Pamajama Says:

    When I found out I was pregnant at 25 (also unmarried) I did not want to tell my mother. So I sent her a cryptogram, a letter & number puzzle she had to put together to read. It looked like this fantastic surprise. I still laugh, just thinking about it, the balls I had from 2,000 miles.

    So when I got pregnant with #2, 12 years later, her response: “Well, THEY’RE A LOTTA WORK.”

    The mother/daughter relationship is a gold mine.

  29. On January 10th, 2009 at 2:21 am Sarah Says:

    Hmmm. A weird and sort of passive-aggressive thing: Recently on a networking website, a whole mess of people from my high school have reconnected. Quite a few of them have reconnected with ME, which took me completely by surprise, but, I’m almost embarrassed to say, I kind of liked it. One of these people was one of closest childhood friends – we were totally unseparable from 5th -8th grade, when we drifted apart primarily because I could no longer trust her, I was changing schools, and it seemed like a fairly clean break.

    Smallish town, though, so we all went to the same high school, and I had gone to two jr highs, and three elementary schools there, so I know way too many people. We aren’t friends, we just know each other’s names.

    T-Bone, I’ll call her, has developed a “thing” with another old sort-of-friend, and they’re going to Vegas to hook up apparently. Nice. They’re both married. They ASKED ME what I thought about that. BECAUSE they ASKED ME what I though, I foolishly told them that while I understood how lonely and misunderstood one can end up feeling in a marriage, I felt like they owed it to themselves and their families and the *choices they had made* to explore rebuilding their marriages before they did something they may totally regret and not be able to change.

    T-Bone then “sent me” a drink called an “adios mothereffer” on this site, saying “Haha, just for the irony”. Yeah, I bet. I mean, if you want to tell me to fuck off, then by all means, tell me to fuck off!! We’ve already blown off our friendship once, what’s the harm in doing it again? Silly woman. And she tells me her husband is the passive-aggressive member of her marriage. I had to laugh out loud. It reminded me of all the reasons we “drifted apart” to begin with.

    I just hope they’re the only ones they hurt with their sad foolishness.

  30. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:35 pm Pookie Says:

    Our mutual friend Luna recently bought her parents a durian as a gift. I believe she has discovered the very essence of “passive-agressive.”

  31. On January 16th, 2009 at 6:17 pm Dreamybee Says:

    Okay, I’m a little late to the game here, but my maid of honor scheduled her wedding for the day after mine, which meant that her rehearsal dinner was on the evening of my reception, so I had to leave my reception to attend her rehearsal dinner. I know this was a bit of dumb-assery on my part. Looking back, I should have graciously declined her last-minute bridesmaid request, but we do a lot of dumb things when we’re 20.

  32. On January 20th, 2009 at 11:16 am Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » I Almost Got Killed This One Time Says:

    […] Coco, you sexy bitch, you won my impromptu contest about passive aggression. No one can top faking a death. NO ONE. So let me use my 3 remaining brain cells to come up with […]

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