Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Yes It Is, It’s The Magic Number


I might have made previous mention that I suck at being pregnant. I probably said it in passing, or made some joke about beached whales and trying to roll out of bed, or maybe I even named a blog category after this sad fact.

I suck at being pregnant so much that I cannot believe anyone who “glows” or whatever is doing anything other than trying to feed me a line of BS. Or to make me feel bad about myself for being such a whiny baby.

Pregnancy #1: Benjamin.

Was knocked up by complete accident at age 20, the same age when no one believes that you have enough of a brain stem to care for a child. The jury is still out on that one, but Ben is still alive and kicking.

This pregnancy was particularly sucky because of all the OTHER shit going on around me.

Take 1 asshole boyfriend who runs and hides his penis in other women when the going gets rough, add 1 mentally-ill mother who is convinced that you’re going to give the baby up for adoption that she asks your brother to take him if you freak out and you have a recipe for disaster. An appetite for destruction if I may (and I always may).

Physically, I was fine when I was pregnant aside from swelling up to the size and approximate shape of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (it was August, man). The only symptom that I had was that I was chronically exhausted, so exhausted that I would sleep 16-18 hours a day.

Escapism anyone?

Pregnancy #2: Alexander

After years of assuming uber-fertility, was astonished when I didn’t get easily knocked up. Apparently you’re more fertile when you’re young and stupid.

Upon being knocked up, became violently ill 24-7. Puked my brains out all day, every day and eventually had to quit my job, as I couldn’t drive 45 minutes in the car while puking. Ended up so depressed that my ever-widening ass made many dents in my couch. May have even worn some of the fabric off.

Was also incredibly paranoid of losing the baby. Worried like it was my job, made matters much worse.

Which brings us to…

Pregnancy #3: Link (aka Sausagebryo)

Pretty much remove the emotional issues, and you have my current pregnancy. I’m unbelievably exhausted, nauseous (but without the vomiting), and just sick. I have no energy for unloading the dishwasher, let alone trying to spend Quality Time with the kids (unless you count turning the TV to Noggin as QT, which of course, I do).

Between this and the spotting, my poor husband may not get laid again for many years.

I suppose that the upside of down here is that I’m finally feeling a bit more relaxed about the Link. I spot occasionally, but I’m fairly sure it’s related to the suppositories (oh, the joy of those bitches), so I’ve relaxed a bit. Between the intense sickness and the ever expanding poo-baby taking up residence in my gut (when someone tells you that they show earlier with subsequent babies, BELIEVE THEM. Especially when they haven’t shat in 3 days.), I’m more calm than I’ve been.

Until, of course, my US on Wednesday in which I will be reduced to a blubbering mess.

31 Comments to

“Yes It Is, It’s The Magic Number”

  1. On June 30th, 2008 at 11:28 am Jenn Says:

    Would that be a good (I’m so happy look at my cute little baby) or bad blubbering mess? I’m glad things are going better (sort of) and having constant nausea (in my experience) is kind of worse than vomiting. As least you feel better for a teeny tiny while after you spew.

  2. On June 30th, 2008 at 12:13 pm trish Says:

    Phew! I’m so glad you’re okay! I haven’t been pregnant yet, nor have I tried, so all of this is rather foreign. I wasn’t sure whether I should just worry or put an all points bulletin out on my blog. 🙂

  3. On June 30th, 2008 at 12:49 pm andria Says:

    Pregnancy just screws with you in all kinds of ways.

    My first pregnancy I bled like a stuck pig for four months and then he was born eight weeks early scaring the life out of me. I think I had PTSD for two years following as a result. To say I just wasn’t right after that was an understatement.

    I was completely convinced the same would happen with number two. I obsessed about it. That’s actually how I found blogs from my many attempts at googling things like “nine weeks pregnant should I feel something?” and the like night and day. I ordered a doppler to check his heartbeat and did so ten times a day from the time I was twelve weeks up until they wheeled me into the maternity ward. That thing was a lifesaver man, I highly suggest it.

    Number three is still a surprise to me and I had too much going on trying to corral the other two I didn’t think too much about it. Of course the constant yakking for the first twenty weeks kind of let me know she was staying put even if she didn’t move a bit until I was 24 weeks.

    I feel for you. All those stressors are why I refuse to have another even though my husband gets that look in his eye when he sees the infants. When they figure out a way for the man to deal with all the crap, then maybe, but now, I’m closed down.

  4. On June 30th, 2008 at 12:49 pm andria Says:

    OMG. Did I really just take over your blog like that?

  5. On June 30th, 2008 at 1:10 pm kalakly Says:

    Oh man, they really should offer PTSD counseling for the US appts.. they are the WORST afer you have had any loss. I shake like a power tool whenI am waiting and cry like a, well, a baby, when I walk into the room. Not too mention the upchuck simmiring just beneath the surface.
    Hate it, hate it, hate it. Hope it all goes well on Wednesday and that the worst thing about it is just the blubbering, cuz that’s enough, right?

  6. On June 30th, 2008 at 1:18 pm Holly Says:

    Oh the “joys” of pregenancy. I myself STRONGLY dislike the whole experience. None of it was joyful (with the exception of the baby at the end. I feel you sister. Right there with you sitting on the couch and not wanting to move AT ALL.

  7. On June 30th, 2008 at 2:20 pm mandy Says:

    You had better post the results as soon as you get home, and I MEAN IT! We all want to know you are OKAY!

    Sorry for the symptoms, but I do so know how that goes. Bleh.

  8. On June 30th, 2008 at 2:27 pm Susan Says:

    I don’t believe anyone truely ‘glows” when they have an alien taking over their body. Ugh.

    Will be waiting to see those US results.

  9. On June 30th, 2008 at 2:33 pm Betty M Says:

    I remember that quality time with L and the TV when I was pregnant with Z. No wonder she totally transferred her affections to her dad when Z arrived. Sorry you are feeling so yukky. Hoping Wednesday goes well.

  10. On June 30th, 2008 at 2:36 pm The Milk Maid Says:

    I think I should get knocked up with #3 JUST to see if your current theory works out. You know, when Big J gets a job and all… :-S

  11. On June 30th, 2008 at 3:07 pm giggleblue Says:

    i wish you could have some vodka. but you can’t… and you shouldn’t. don’t think about it too hard!!!

  12. On June 30th, 2008 at 3:10 pm -Seraphimred- Says:

    I, myself, have had two miscarriages back to back within a few months so the nerve thing….? I get it.

    You, my dear, are perfectly fine. Like someone said above me, get a doppler!

  13. On June 30th, 2008 at 3:21 pm Coco Says:

    Sending you the baby love for your Wed. U/S.

    Also, the rental doppler rocks. It’s all that kept me sane while I incubated Bean.

  14. On June 30th, 2008 at 3:23 pm Heather Says:

    Yeah, well … I suck at it, too, then. Intervention, schmintervention! My first was disastrous, and my second was spent waiting on disaster. Hourly.

    Thinking of you on Wednesday, Becky.

  15. On June 30th, 2008 at 3:36 pm kbreints Says:

    Yeah! Glad to hear you are doing “good”

    And YES I totally showed Early with #2!

  16. On June 30th, 2008 at 3:48 pm birdpress Says:

    Gosh, Becky, you make it all seem so glamorous!

  17. On June 30th, 2008 at 3:50 pm Lola Says:

    I found nothing about pregnancy enjoyable, and I worried non-stop, even after he was out. I did not glow. I was not sick, but there was no glow whatsoever. I am just as neurotic even being around pregnant women and infants. They scare me to death!!

    Glad you’re feeling a bit better, and good luck on Wed.

  18. On June 30th, 2008 at 3:57 pm sara Says:

    Just wanted to wish you the best of luck on Wednesday. As for women who say they glow and shine while pregnant, and have never felt better? Maybe those women are an urban legend you think? Or maybe just insane? Anyways, I hope you are feeling much better soon and can’t wait to hear how Wednesday goes. Sending you lots of good thoughts in the meantime 🙂

  19. On June 30th, 2008 at 5:10 pm Theramblinghousewife Says:

    That’s awesome, Aunt Becky!

    Morning sickness is a beautiful thing! 🙂

    (As weird as that sounds!) 🙂

  20. On June 30th, 2008 at 5:20 pm Trooper Thorn Says:

    Could there have been a more rediculous process devised to reproduce? Even the government, any government, could have come up with something better.

  21. On June 30th, 2008 at 6:45 pm chris Says:

    Aunt Becky,

    Being relax is a good thing. Morning sickness is a good thing…This is so cool…This my first time being a part of a cyber pregnacy…Can’t wait…Can I be a cyber Godfather? 🙂

  22. On June 30th, 2008 at 6:48 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I will be thinking of you Wednesday, and since it’s my birthday, I demand an immediate update – can you bring a laptop to the appointment?

    Also, the showing with #3? I switched to maternity jeans at nine weeks. People ask my due date all the time now, and you can just see they’re expecting me to say “July 9th”, not “November 9th”.

  23. On June 30th, 2008 at 7:39 pm honeywine Says:

    I’m guessing the prune juice wouldn’t stay down then. Sheesh.

  24. On June 30th, 2008 at 8:27 pm CLC Says:

    Good luck on Wed. I drank prune juice like it was going out of style when I was prego. I can’t decide which was worse- the constant sh-tting with UC/Chrohn’s or constipation. They are both evil I guess.

  25. On June 30th, 2008 at 9:03 pm Edward Says:

    Sounds like its time to just submit! Really, I heard this from a lady when I was pg w/ #4 and y ou know it makes sense. Just stop trying so hard to do all the damn stuff you did before, give in, and just do what you have to do. It’s o.k. REALLY…this will pass in oh, about 10 more weeks and then you’ll be in the middle of the pregnancy and thats the part where you GLOW! Really trust me I;ve had 6. O.k. maybe I did nt glow but I did feel better. Your doing fine and damn I wish I had your sense of humor and wit! (You bitch….I can’t stand you…oh did i say that out loud….just kidding!!!) Really I am…you are way too funny and honest. Have I every told you how much I love honest? Oh, and davers will get laid but again….the second trimester…you remember right?

    Every time I got pregnant I could not remember why I wanted it so much as I pucked and felt so similar to what your sharing. Hang in there. You know chips and dip worked great for me but then I ended up bigger than a whale and got a tummy tuck many many children later.

  26. On June 30th, 2008 at 10:14 pm Sara Says:

    So glad you are back. I was getting nervous.

  27. On July 1st, 2008 at 6:15 am SciFi Dad Says:

    I’m glad things are as they are… while you’re sick, it’s better to be sick and know it’s the baby than to be not sick and panic even more.

    Good luck tomorrow. I hope it looks like a kidney bean crossed with an alien.

  28. On July 1st, 2008 at 8:07 am Kristine Says:

    My pregnancy itself wasn’t so bad. Although I tried pretty hard to make a Kristine shaped dent in our bed. What I absolutely hated that people seemed to think they had the right to get all personal on me. And I vow that if I ever get tricked into that shit again, I’m not telling anyone – they’ll just think I’m getting fat. And when they figure it out, I will not be holding my tongue like I did this time.

    No male boss, I don’t think it’s any of your business how this baby arrives, but thank you for mentioning that c-sections suck – I never thought about the fact that being cut in half would suck.

    No mother-in-law, I do not want to discuss the openness of my cervix with you.

    No father-in-law, I do not feel comfortable with you listening to the heartbeat through a stethescope on my pubic hair.

    No husband’s aunt, I will not be cordial after you molest my belly under the table at your father’s memorial dinner WITHOUT ANY WARNING.

    No complete stranger, I do not want you to touch me.

  29. On July 1st, 2008 at 12:14 pm vered Says:

    Pregnancy is hard. Your body is telling you to eat small meals every couple of hours (helps with the nausea) and SLEEP. But how can you sleep when you have 2 other kids? It’s a mystery.

    I hope you feel better soon. I don’t think you suck at pregnancy and I don’t think you suck at life. I think you’re doing great!

  30. On July 2nd, 2008 at 12:26 pm Momma's Tantrum Says:

    Pregnancy BLOWS. All of those people who claim otherwise can #suckit. Seriously. I will kick them in the special place if I hear it again.

    Worrying is like a red badge of courage for Mom’s if you don’t do it and your a mom, then you aren’t doing it right.

    I hope that you start to feel better soon. Although if your pregnancy is anything like mine were that will be when the baby comes out. I will still hope that it is sooner than that, for your sanity.

  31. On July 3rd, 2008 at 9:30 pm RhoRho Says:

    I suck balls at being pregnant. But I got two kickass kids out of it. And I’d never knock it because there are people out there who have a much harder time than I did getting there. Miss your comments. Hope you’ll get past pukey soon.

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