Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Year One


I spent the last couple years of my twenties praying for the moment that I’d turn thirty. It’s like I genuinely thought being thirty somehow meant that “things would be easier” and yet they have. I was just happy to put my twenties behind me.

In Year One of my thirties, I’ve managed to begin eking out my way. Whereas my twenties felt like I was always fighting fire with gasoline, my thirties have found me thoughtfully, carefully making decisions, choosing the right way, and learning to become, well, me again.

Year One certain had it’s ups and downs and still, the down’s didn’t feel like they were the bottomless pit variety. The ups were even higher.

I have, in no small part, you, Pranksters, to thank for this. You’ve watched me fail, fall, and start again, cheering me on when I needed it and wiping my tears when things seemed insurmountable. You’ve been the one constant in my life and more than that, you became my family.

I cannot tell you how much that means nor can I thank you enough.

This year, I’ve watched my daughter lose her words, then find them again, and now, she spits them at me with a side of sass thrown in. Because she’s my girl.

My middle son has grown from a toddler to a child, all arms and legs and sweetness and light. Someone who hugs away my tears and makes me laugh from the bottom of my leg bones.

After so many years of believing that I was probably a child prodigy, I realize that the one who earns that title is my (almost) ten year old, the one who has found his way in his music.

This year, I founded not one but two group blogs (happy birthday to YOU, Mushroom Printing! who happened to be founded on my birthday last year).

Once I saw the need for a safe, moderated space on the Internet where we could share our secrets, reduce the stigmas of mental illness, abuse, rape and all the other skeletons in our closets, I created Band Back Together. I thanked my parents for the nursing texts as I began to create resource pages for the site. Now the site is a combination of knowledge and power, just like School House motherfucking Rock.

I created shirts (you should buy one. It’s my birthday, after all and you have to do what I say) and shattered my own expectations.

Today, Year One ends and I’m onto Year Two (I’ll be thirty-one). I’ll close this year out while gorging on tapas and drinking champagne.

I can hardly wait to see what happens next. Assuming it’s something good like a pony and not something shitty like a meat tornado.

Because nobody expects a meat tornado.

63 Comments to

“Year One”

  1. On July 15th, 2011 at 11:54 am Avitable Says:

    Happy birthday, fucker. Love you.

  2. On July 15th, 2011 at 11:56 am swalumni Says:

    Happy Birthday AB!!!! I love you too!!!!

  3. On July 15th, 2011 at 11:59 am hubbit Says:

    Happy birthday, Aunt Becky!

  4. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:09 pm SmartOneKym Says:

    Your year has indeed exploded goodness all in your face.

    Which ummm…yeah. I’m just going to back away and leave that one alone now.

    May this year be even better.

  5. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:10 pm HumorSmith Says:

    Happiest of b’days babycakes!!!!

  6. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:13 pm Molly Says:

    Happy birthday, my friend. It’s been an honor to share this year with you, and watch (I totally don’t mean this in a stalker kind of way) the transformational process. YOU IS A BUTTERFLAH!

  7. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:16 pm jess Says:

    I hope you have an amazing birthday! I hope the same theory, that being in your 30’s, holds true for me because I could really use a change of scenery.

  8. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:22 pm Jamie Says:

    Happy Birthday! Was wonderful to find/start reading you in this first year–looking forward to reading all of your stories and watching where you go in year two.

  9. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:29 pm leanne Says:

    What a year. Also, you are amazing. Happy Birthday, Becky!

  10. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:34 pm Titanium Says:

    Happiest of Happy Birthdays to you, Aunt Becky! Welcome to your thirties and may they treat you WELL (or else).

  11. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:41 pm ColinP Says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky!

  12. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:54 pm Maria Says:

    Happy barfday to youuuuu
    Happy barfday to youuuuuuuu

  13. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:57 pm Maria Says:

    ….barfday Dear Aunt Beckyyyyyyyyy

    Happy barfday to youuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

    *Aunt Becky smiles through tears with runny nose. She is very polite, trying to smile, but the pain in her ears was really awful. She wipes her nose with her sleeve, and shakes head to remove tears*

    Oh, barfday is tomorrow? Today is Burpday??? I’m so sorry. Have a good one anyway.

  14. On July 15th, 2011 at 12:58 pm Tracy Says:

    Happy Birthday to an Awesome woman. Later I’ll have a margarita in your honor!!!!

  15. On July 15th, 2011 at 1:02 pm Marta Says:

    How is that you’re making me look forward to my 30s? I had a complete quarter life crisis at 25.

    Happy BIRTHDAY! Make sure you get drunk, slay a few zombies and pass out before dinner.

  16. On July 15th, 2011 at 1:06 pm Beth Says:

    We actually pray to avoid meat tornadoes… but either way, HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY! We look forward to seeing your sparkly pony face tat 😉

  17. On July 15th, 2011 at 1:08 pm Vinobaby Says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky. It sounds really freaking weird calling someone years younger than me “Aunt.” How about a meat dress instead of a meat tornado?


  18. On July 15th, 2011 at 1:25 pm Kelly Says:

    A very Merry Un-Birthday to you, my dear Aunt Becky.

  19. On July 15th, 2011 at 1:25 pm Cindy Says:

    What the fuck is a meat tornado? I love you.

  20. On July 15th, 2011 at 1:29 pm Vanessa Says:

    This year I found your awesome blog and then the even more awesome Band Back Together which has helped me heal some of my battle wounds. Thank you for both. Happy Mother Humpin Birthday yo!

  21. On July 15th, 2011 at 2:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Thanks, homie!

  22. On July 15th, 2011 at 1:37 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    Birthday leg humps all around!

  23. On July 15th, 2011 at 1:40 pm badbadwebbis Says:

    The 30s are always good, unless they aren’t. But usually they are. They were my Divorced Person decade, which was pretty awesome.

  24. On July 15th, 2011 at 3:15 pm badbadwebbis Says:

    by the way…NOT advocating that you spend your 30s being divorced. The Daver sounds like a pretty good plan.

  25. On July 15th, 2011 at 2:02 pm Alfred lives here Says:

    Happy happy birthday. You are awesome. And young. Awesome and young!

  26. On July 15th, 2011 at 2:09 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    HUZZAH FOR 31!

  27. On July 15th, 2011 at 2:16 pm tracy aka @mamacreates Says:

    Happy birthday, you youngster! Can I just whine for a moment & say I feel fucking ANCIENT at (soon to be) 36?? Oy.

    You do awesome work (like you didn’t already know that, but everyone needs to to be reminded of their awesomeness from time to time), and I’m sure that sentiment resounds in the safe little Prankster world you’ve created.

    I’ve been meaning to send you an email for, oh, MONTHS now, to see if there’s a particular hole I can fill for you in BBT…..because I feel in my bones that it’s something I need to be a part of. E-mail me if you want to chat.


  28. On July 15th, 2011 at 2:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    HELLS yes I do! Email me:

  29. On July 15th, 2011 at 2:43 pm Tracy Says:

    Will do. And have a birthday cocktail (or 12) for me!

  30. On July 15th, 2011 at 2:21 pm Brooke Says:

    Happy Birthday, Aunt Becky!!

  31. On July 15th, 2011 at 2:43 pm Mj Says:

    Happy birthday aunt becky! You truly are an impersonal person, and I absolutely love your blogs, they bring so much hope to me and so many others!

  32. On July 15th, 2011 at 2:46 pm Mj Says:

    Oops, inspirational, not impersonal!

  33. On July 15th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Kori Says:

    My life improved exponentially every year I got past 30; it really DOES get better all the time. You are proof.

    And look on the bright side: even if the next year brings a meat tornado, at least you’ll not be hungry. 🙂

    Happy day.

  34. On July 15th, 2011 at 3:27 pm Abigail @ Skywaitress Says:

    Happy Birthday, Dear! I hope your day is as fabulous as you are!

  35. On July 15th, 2011 at 3:53 pm Satan Says:

    now, i’m going to wish you happy birthday, without swearing at you!
    what do you mean, you didn’t get a kitty shitter? are you gonna fire your husband over this, or will you be firing us? oh nooo!

  36. On July 15th, 2011 at 4:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    But you’re SATAN! You’re supposed swear and shit!

  37. On July 15th, 2011 at 4:34 pm Satan Says:

    well, sure! and i swear ALLLL the time (as you must know, since you follow my crazy ass on The Twitter, and i hope you might occasionally check out my blog), but i’m not usually calling someone a whore on their birthday.

    plus, you’re really not a whore. unless i’m mistaken, and you get paid to screw, in which case, good for you! wouldn’t it be nice if we all got money each time we got it on?

    i’m rambling, perhaps i should shut my OWN whore mouth!
    : ]

  38. On July 15th, 2011 at 4:42 pm Piparina Says:

    Happy Birthday! I have a horrible habit of reading lots of blogs but never commenting because it a)seems a bit scary b) I never know what to say. However I wanted to say ‘Thank you’. This has just made me feel so much happier and less terrified about turning 30 next month
    All the best for next year and all the blogs. Px

  39. On July 15th, 2011 at 5:36 pm Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    I’m still in my twenties… and I’ve subconsciously convinced myself that my 30s are going to be similar to 20s just more serious.

  40. On July 15th, 2011 at 5:38 pm Elise Says:

    I’m new to the whole blogging thing and have already experienced that same kind of support and community you’re talking about. I’m so glad you decided to put yourself out there–our lives would have a lot less laughter without you! We love you. Happy Birthday, Aunt Becky!

  41. On July 15th, 2011 at 6:43 pm KaraB Says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky! You’re an inspiration! Drinks all around, well except for the little ones of course (someone has to drive)

  42. On July 15th, 2011 at 9:10 pm Sandy Says:

    Hope you had a wonderful Birthday, Aunt Becky! I found your blog this past year and have been a faithful stalker ever since. My present to you is that I will continue to visit your site faithfully throughout the next year, and I can’t wait for what is in store!

  43. On July 15th, 2011 at 9:16 pm Erin@MommyontheSpot Says:

    Happy birthday!! Hope you have a big, puffy pink heart kind of day!!

  44. On July 15th, 2011 at 11:41 pm Frelle Says:

    I love you. <3

  45. On July 16th, 2011 at 12:18 am Dave Says:

    Happy Motherfuckin’ Birthday! You are wise beyond your years. Thanks for the humor and the outlet (Band Back Together) – you’ve helped me more than I’ve helped you, that’s for sure – so have a great day!

  46. On July 16th, 2011 at 1:01 am Joules Says:

    Yeah meat tornados suck, especially whe you’re a vegetarian. Although not quite as much when they randomly hurl encased meats in the general vicinity of your mouth.
    You are one badass bitch and I hope you had one badass birthday with stacks of awesome presents up to the rooftops.

  47. On July 16th, 2011 at 7:37 am Sarah P Says:

    Happy happy 31!

  48. On July 16th, 2011 at 8:06 am Bird Flu Says:

    Happy birthday! I, too, turned 31 this year. And I, too, have a 10 y/o son with Autism. I_love_your brutal honesty, especially when it comes to such a fucked up thing like The Spectrum. Hope your birthdays continue to get better every year. I think I’ll go have a wee dram to help you celebrate.

  49. On July 16th, 2011 at 8:16 am natalie Says:

    happy birthday! i love your ass.

  50. On July 16th, 2011 at 8:52 am Dorothy Says:

    I have it on perfectly good authority that your birthday has been moved to July 28th.
    So quit pretending.
    Happy fake un-birthday.

  51. On July 16th, 2011 at 10:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha. I should have changed FB, huh?

  52. On July 16th, 2011 at 10:40 am Dorothy Says:

    Or you could have remembered that we talked on google the other day. Remember we discussed the penis issue?? That and that I am telling Pop I am living with you when he dies because is scared that the dogs will eat my fingers when no one finds me because they will get hungry??

  53. On July 17th, 2011 at 8:11 am Dorothy Says:

    And on your cursed un-birthday I fell up two stairs and probably broke two toes, have a black but (which is normally white) and bruises on both thighs. Thanks for passing on the curse wench.

  54. On July 17th, 2011 at 8:14 am Dorothy Says:

    Totally sober I should add.

  55. On July 16th, 2011 at 10:06 am Barbara Says:

    I’m a day late, but happy birthday!

  56. On July 16th, 2011 at 11:06 am MamaRobinJ Says:

    I dunno. I think a meat tornado could be all kinds of awesome. Just a short one, though.

    I said it before elsewhere, but I’ll say it again: happy birthday (for yesterday).

    This next year is gonna be full of amazingness.

  57. On July 16th, 2011 at 11:14 am Cristi Comes Says:

    Love it. 30s are so fab. I’m so glad to have found your blogs. You make me laugh and make me think. You are so fabulously YOU. A meat tornado would suck. Here’s to lots of ponies.

  58. On July 16th, 2011 at 11:14 am Cristi Comes Says:

    Love it. 30s are so fab. I’m so glad to have found your blogs. You make me laugh and make me think. You are so fabulously YOU. A meat tornado would suck. Here’s to lots of ponies.

  59. On July 16th, 2011 at 4:55 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Hot dam…

    Fire up the barbeque, we’re havin’ a meat tornado.

    By the way…Congratulations on the start up (It was a dark and stormy night…).

    At 30, you’re way ahead of me. I’m well over 50 and am still whacking my head on stupidity.

    May you have a happy birthday.

  60. On July 16th, 2011 at 9:03 pm Kristin Says:

    Happy (belated) Birthday to the one, the only, the truly amazing AB! Love you to the moon and back again.

  61. On July 16th, 2011 at 11:17 pm Liz @ Six Year Itch Says:

    Happy Birthday!

    I am about to hit Year One in October. I feel exactly the same way as you: my twenties have been absolute dog shit. My hopes best not be dashed by a meat tornado. If so, I’m bringing PETA HARD!

  62. On July 17th, 2011 at 12:08 am Angie Says:

    Happy birthday Aunt Becky! Wishing you all the very best year two has to offer! Thank you for the laughs and the hours of endless blog stalking you provide me!

  63. On July 17th, 2011 at 12:22 am MaryPoppinSertraline Says:

    Belated felicitations on your glorious natal day!!

    [Because nothing says ‘you’re getting older’ like bloody pretentious pseudo-intellectual adult-speak. That, and you’re now too mature to punch out those of us who may or may not actually BE bloody pretentious pseudo-intellectuals. Especially if they want to buy one of your t-shirts. 😀 ]

    Seriously though- Happy Birthday to kickass you. Go all Eye of the Motherfucking Tiger on 31, and may all your candles be hot dogs! Love on ya! 😉

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