Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Yeah, Well I See URANUS.


I’m sorry, Pranksters, because I have to inform you of something.

I just won the Mother of the Year award. Certainly it’s better than my You’ve Been Blogging Since You Rode A Dinosaur to School award (highly UN-coveted, by the by), but it is no less an honor.

But nothing will replace the Mother of the Year award I just won.

Since Back To School stuff is long put away, it seems that Halloween is right around the corner. I myself can not actually read a calendar, so Halloween could be next year for all I know it could be tomorrow, which WHOOPS! SURPRISE! But I think I have a month to determine what, specifically, my children would like to be for Halloween.

I’m still pushing for the whole Land Shark thing, but if I don’t get any takers, I may be that myself….or the Twitter Fail Whale (which would be so much awesomer if I were pregnant this year. I could totally leash up my kids as wee birdies).

(for the three of you who haven’t seen it, I suggest taking a minute of your life and devoting it to basking in the glow of this)

Anyway, I’ve been trying for about thirty-five-niner years to get ONE OF MY KIDS to dress themselves as the Land Shark for Halloween. My kids are generally all, “PISS OFF MOM,” probably because they remember that I’d dressed them up as (in no particular order) a Grumble Bee, a Hot Dog and a Hedgehog.

Honestly, I think that ONE YEAR of being the Land Shark is WELL within my rights as someone who birthed these children out of my vagina, but NO. Which means that I will, one day, have to do it myself.

And I plan on eating many people. Just say we were together if anyone asks, okay, Pranksters?

Last year, Benjamin was a pirate (boring), Mili was a pirate princess and Alex was a Flutter-By. He won the award that year for having the best costume. I, myself, was pretty jealous of it.

This year, however, not one of my other children has decided what they would like to be for Halloween. Save for Alex.

Alex has his heart set upon being Saturn.

No, not the now-defunct car company, the PLANET.

The car, at least, I could’ve understood. But the planet? Um. Hi. How the FUCK do I make a Saturn costume? No really, I’m asking you. Because otherwise I’m going to stuff a yellow sweatshirt and call it a motherfucking day. And I’m sure that by not having the proper patterns around Saturn, I will be berated and probably cried upon for failing as a mother. Which, actually is not much different than any normal day around Casa de la Sausage + Mimi.

I really, really do not know how I am supposed to live through all of these creative-ass costume idears. I mean, I? I was a pirate as a kid. And potentially a Land Shark. Maybe a Fail Whale. Possibly wanted to be crazy pregnant Britney and K-Fed one year (but Dave wouldn’t have it). NOT CREATIVE, PRANKSTERS.

So until I come up with a better solution, I’m going to dose my coffee with Almond Extract and wait for the inspiration to strike. Probably in the form of “I NEED TO BE BILLY MAYS FOR HALLOWEEN!!”

Send vodka, Pranksters. Send lots of vodka.

P.S. How do I make a Saturn Costume? While drunk.

44 Comments to

“Yeah, Well I See URANUS.”

  1. On September 20th, 2011 at 11:50 am Andie Says:

    hmm.. hula hoops. I guess?

    My kids are wanting to go as characters from Sonic the Hedgehog… and since no one except my weird assed kids and a few 20-something gamers give a shit about Sonic anymore that means I get to try and MAKE these costumes some way.


  2. On September 20th, 2011 at 11:51 am ArykaNotErika Says:

    I feel like you have an in house expert on the planets with Ben. Of course the down side of that is you have an in house expert on planets with Ben and he may kick your ass if you screw it up. Hmmmm.

  3. On September 20th, 2011 at 11:52 am KJ Collard Says:

    Ask GaGa….. ASAP.

    I’ll think on this and get back to you.

  4. On September 20th, 2011 at 11:59 am Jamie Says:

    A paper lantern. There you go!

  5. On September 20th, 2011 at 2:38 pm Joules Says:

    That is badass.

  6. On September 20th, 2011 at 3:09 pm Suzie Says:

    That is AWESOME.

  7. On September 20th, 2011 at 5:19 pm katrina Says:

    VERY cool!

  8. On September 20th, 2011 at 8:38 pm ScienceGeek Says:

    I love the look on the kid’s face. He’s so chuffed to be a planet!

  9. On September 21st, 2011 at 2:08 am Veronica Says:

    That is SO cool.

  10. On September 21st, 2011 at 7:26 pm KaraB Says:

    Now I want to be Saturn for Halloween!!!

  11. On September 20th, 2011 at 12:01 pm Rach W Says:

    hmmmm, how about this one:

    seems like it might be easy?

  12. On September 20th, 2011 at 12:02 pm Meg Says:

    I asked google…it gave me the sailor moon saturn as answer, but I told it, no, the planet. I always have to repeat myself *sigh* Anywho, found a website where a woman used a very large paper lantern (like the kind you see at summer weddings) and cut holes for her kid’s arms, head, etc…and then cut a cardboard circle and painted the apporiate looking rings on it. I’m aguessin’ that Ben would be able to tell you the right number.

  13. On September 20th, 2011 at 12:06 pm leanne Says:

    And this is why I show my kids costume catalogs and tell them to pick something. Because I will gladly spend money for someone else (or a company) to create something for me. That’s it — find someone to make you a Saturn costume — surely someone on Etsy would know what to do.

  14. On September 20th, 2011 at 12:10 pm starle Says:

    EASY Just do the clear trash bag thing, use coloured balloons for the planet, add hula hoop. Done. Maybe his head can be one if the moons!

  15. On September 20th, 2011 at 3:09 pm Suzie Says:

    That’s what I was thinking of too.

  16. On September 20th, 2011 at 12:13 pm j Says:

    You could use a big pumpkin costume and sew swirly fabric on it.
    (oh wait, you said drunk. I mean DUCT TAPE swirly fabric on it)

    Or make the kids paint the swirls on some fabric. Then you won’t have ruined it, they will!

  17. On September 20th, 2011 at 12:19 pm VicLM Says:

    I love the balloons in a clear trash bag idea. 🙂

    Andie- Sonic wasn’t bad to make at all. 🙂 they have fleece character hats on eBay. For Sonic, we did the hat, a royal blue sweatsuit, red shoes (crocs were awesome) and white gloves. Took a piece of white sticky felt and cut into oval and stuck to shirt for belly lol My son was sonic, my hubby Knuckles and I was of course Amy. 🙂

  18. On September 20th, 2011 at 12:25 pm Caroline Says:

    Hey, no fair! Slore Starle stole my idea! Well, I guess great minds think alike!

  19. On September 20th, 2011 at 12:53 pm starle Says:

    LOL, i’m sure you have the greater mind 😉 I cant wait to see what she chooses to do!

  20. On September 20th, 2011 at 12:49 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    Just keep saying things like… “Remember when you said you wanted to be a (insert easy or awesome idea of your choosing) for Halloween? That was so dumb.” He will immediately say, “No, YOU’RE dumb and I’m going to be (whatever you just tricked him into being) whether you like it or NOT!!”

  21. On September 20th, 2011 at 1:01 pm Kizz Says:

    I was going to give you a half assed idea for how to do it but that paper lantern link looks kind of fucking brilliant so I’m going to shut up.

  22. On September 20th, 2011 at 1:13 pm Grace Says:

    I can’t add any more suggestions to the Saturn costumes, but I can TOTALLY support the idea of a Land Shark costume! I may to have do that some year!

  23. On September 20th, 2011 at 1:22 pm MKP Says:

    I second the hula-hoop idea, suspended with wires. You could also just make a Saturn-looking helmet, Gaga-style and dress him in all black with glow-in-the-dark stick-on stars 🙂

  24. On September 20th, 2011 at 10:33 pm Cara Says:

    I like this one.. Saturn head, paint face w glitter stripes!

  25. On September 23rd, 2011 at 8:06 pm Sister SIster Says:

    I second this idea

  26. On September 20th, 2011 at 2:07 pm Tracie Says:

    I think you visit me for Halloween, therefore leaving the Daver in charge of costuming the little ones.

  27. On September 20th, 2011 at 2:58 pm magpiemusing Says:

    Land Shark! (I will now date myself and tell you that I saw that episode when originally broadcast.)

    Saturn’s ring: get some big ass sheets of cardboard – like from a new dryer – and cut it out. Hang it from his shoulders with straps. End of story.

  28. On September 20th, 2011 at 4:39 pm Melissa Says:

    Oh hell yeah. Same year Jaws came out

  29. On September 20th, 2011 at 3:12 pm Triplezmom Says:

    I make drinks, not costumes. Would you like a tequila sunrise? But Meg’s solution sounds doable, I think. .

  30. On September 20th, 2011 at 4:22 pm Andrea Says:

    Would you believe we got a catalog today with a shark costume…complete with sneakers and short legs hanging out of the mouth?!?! Sorry. I think the hula hoops were a good idea way back up there. What if he was a land shark EATING Saturn?

  31. On September 20th, 2011 at 5:24 pm katrina Says:

    Ha! That SNL clip is a classic! Aunt Becky, i’m thinkin you and Gilda were probably soul sisters.

  32. On September 20th, 2011 at 6:37 pm Jen Says:

    I keep trying to convince my kids how much fun it would be to dress up as a homosexual and an abortionist and trick-or-treat in the Mormon neighborhood, but they’re not going for it. Pfft! Cowards. . .

  33. On September 20th, 2011 at 6:55 pm Jessica Says:

    I vote for chicken wire and paper mache with some crazy cool paint to finish the job!

  34. On September 20th, 2011 at 10:42 pm Cara Says:

    Ok.. So I’m thinking adult size crew neck sweatshirt… Over paper latern, sweatshirt wrapped in glue gunned fabric strips with something hoopy around the middle. Logistics pose an issue… Saudring wire maybe for the ring? If u tilt it shoulder to waist it might stay in place better?

  35. On September 20th, 2011 at 11:58 pm Dave Says:

    Candy gram!

  36. On September 21st, 2011 at 1:25 am Kolchak & Jodi Says:

    However you do it…I’m pretty sure it’s only *awesome* if it looks like this:

    Alternatively, i wonder if you could find a giant ballon to paper machee?

  37. On September 21st, 2011 at 1:28 am Kolchak & Jodi Says:

    Here – buying an orange paper lantern will make it *even easier* This costume just practically made itself.

  38. On September 21st, 2011 at 2:09 am Veronica Says:

    We don’t do Halloween here. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. (No costumes: Bonus! No lollies, downside)

  39. On September 21st, 2011 at 8:25 am Dani Says:

    I probably could have won “Laziest Mother of the Year On Halloween” award for the 21 straight years I had a children living in my home. The costumes I threw together are embarrassing. One year I went to a thrift store, bought three old graduation robes, threw a bunch of make-up on their faces and told them they were zombies. I’ll probably wind up on Dr. Phil’s couch one day facing three pissed off accusatory kids and be forced to explain myself because “You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge!” Let Halloween be a changing day in your life.

  40. On September 21st, 2011 at 11:10 am Tershbango Says:

    I wanted to be a roller skate one year. Not a skateR, a skate. My mom vetoed the idea as ‘too hard’. I’d like to say I’ve gotten past it in the last 30 years, but I’d be lying to you.

  41. On September 21st, 2011 at 11:40 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    You have just introduced me to the wonder that is land shark. I thank you.

  42. On September 24th, 2011 at 11:58 am Nick Says:

    Um, we did a giant eyeball from a Google pattern, but you could easily take the basic “ball” part of it and make it a planet.

    rings? Cardboard with spray-paint, perhaps?

  43. On September 25th, 2011 at 8:49 am Jenna Says:

    One of my friends dressed his kid up as “cloudy with a chance of rain” one year. Grey (or blue) sweatsuit with cotton balls glued on, and a supersoaker (chance of rain…).

  44. On October 16th, 2011 at 3:16 pm Betsi* Says:

    Ok, totally late on this one and I see you’ve already got lots of great ideas. But I had to say that my Ben was Saturn when he was six (our costume was born of chicken wire, paper mache and carboard and looked like a horse’s arse) and New York Motherfucking City when he was seven. By far NYMFC was the hardest costume I’ve ever had to make. It involved cardboard interstate changes and recycled juice bottles on a platform around his waste and paint and a ton of hot glue and blistered fingers (mine). And it was worn for two seconds for pictures then tossed in the corner of his room. Ok, it was uncomfortable and not something you could really move in. Instead he had to wear an orange vest and glow tape on his all black ensemble so he wouldn’t get hit by a car. And he still claimed to be NYC.
    I’ve learned my lesson….or maybe not. This year he wants to be a Lego minifig.

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